Hold your breath, folks, and watch the Slacker Hacker writhe in agony!

Months ago, I tackled one of

those Insane Internet Mass-Mailing Questionnaire Thingies! For your exasperation, I give you A Whole
Bunch of Shit You Never Needed to Know About Dwanollah. (Filled out sporadically over a period of
several months.)

1. Who are you?

Hopefully ever-evolving. I’m ambitious, stubborn, a worrywart, weird, dorky, and completely loyal and
devoted to those I love.

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?

o Don’t bullshit me. Don’t even try. No. Don’t.

o My mind is very active and in twelve different places at once, so if I forget you owe me
ten bucks or I misplace my house keys, that’s par for the course. And it’s nothing
personal.

o I don’t give third chances.

3. When you aren't filling out question surveys like this one what are you doing?

Working and studying. Writing. Traveling. Playing. Pondering. Worrying.

4. Where do you live? Describe it: Is it messy, neat, avant-garde, sparse, etc.?

We live in La Casita, a cozy 1920s bungalow in West Hollywood. It’s cluttered with books and photos and
personal things and colors and patterns, but very neat and clean (mostly because we have a weekly
housekeeper, but also because that’s the way we like it). Lots of flower print and chintz and mismatched
fabrics; yeah, The Husband-Type Man picks that shit out, too. We also have lots of antique stuff that
we’ve stolen from our parents, and odd and weird things hanging on the fridge or on a bathroom shelf,
just because. It always smells good, as well, from all the candles and incense. There are lots of flollop-
able places, things to look at and read, and usually some groovy music on.

5. Do you own a car? Describe it.

There’s Adam, a silver Corolla (yes, I know it’s spelled differently than the real Adam Carolla) that I
bought quickly when I moved back here for school. I’m getting ready to trade him in for Alanis when I
can find the time to take some test drives. And then there’s Dita, named after The Husband-Type
Man’s Girlfriend.

6. What is your most prized mundane possession? Why do you value it so much?

I don’t have mundane possessions!

7. What is your biggest goal for this year?

Finish my book.

8. Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Teaching and working and writing someplace – prolly other than Southern California – with a Ph.D.
certificate on my wall.

9. What stage of life are you in right now?

In the great hero-journey cycle, I’m trying to return home with the knowledge I’ve fought for.

10. Are you more child-like or childish?

I play with Barbies. What do you think? I’d vote child-like, I guess, because I don’t pitch fits or act cutesy-
poo, and I’m not a spoiled brat.

11. What is the last thing you said out loud?

“MISTER MAAAAN!” because THTM and I were flirting and yodeling at each other. (He yodels “MRS.
MAAAAA’AM!” at me.)

12. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now?

We’ll go with the ever-popular choice, “Secret Oktober.”

13. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same?

Blissfully, amazingly, miraculously better. And I don’t mean that in an assy, Star Jones “I’m so blessed”
way. When I was young, I lived for the one or two moments of joy that were scattered here and there
amidst drama, depression, frustration, and all sorts of crap. But life has been an incredible joy for the
last decade plus, and I’m thankful every minute of my life. I just spent pages and pages in my journal this
morning making a List of Gratitude, and realizing that I have been truly and wholly HAPPY for the last
dozen years is at the top of the list.

14. Does time really heal all wounds?

Some may never heal completely, but they scab over or scar pretty good. That breathless agony abates.

15. How do you handle a rainy day?

I dress in brighter colors, build a fire in the fireplace, fix cozy food, and enjoy finding nooks someplace to
have cocoa or tea, read, and enjoy the sounds. I love rainy days.

16. Which is worse... losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?

Losing luggage. Luckily, even with as much as I have to travel, it’s only gotten almost lost once
(*knocking on wood*); a person grabbed my bag by mistake, and, as I was reporting it missing, came
back with it. But that’s way worse than holiday lights, because… that’s your stuff!

17. How is your relationship with your parents? Will you miss them when they are gone?

My relationship with my mom went through a real rough spot when I was in my teens and early 20s,
when she was married to Blevins, Stepfather 2. She really subjugated herself to him to the point that it
seemed to me that she had no self-respect, and I’d get frustrated and angry with her for putting up with
his stupid shit and compromising her self. From the time I was 14, in fact, I almost felt like I had to be
the “grown up”… that I was, in many ways, responsible for her happiness. We had some issues to work
out, in general, and, with a lot of talking, our relationship now is great. We can discuss almost anything,
and have tremendous love and respect for each other, and just plain enjoy hanging out. She’s funny as
hell, and we spend a fair amount of our time together cracking each other up. I don’t even like to think
about her being gone.

My dad, on the other hand, is a waste of space, and sadly, his departure from this world will likely only
make me feel relieved that I don’t have to deal with his dumb-shit boundary-trodding bullcrap anymore.

18. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you?

If I’m reading or working, I get completely absorbed. You’d have to light a fire under me to get my
attention.

19. What is the truest thing that you know?

I have Adam Carolla to thank for this: If you do crappy things, you’re a crappy person. Period. You can
tell yourself you’re a good parent or a nice person or a great friend or a really good guy. You can love
puppies and kitties and babies and rainbows. But you’re still ultimately defined by your actions, so if you
abuse drugs or lie to people or scream obscenities at everyone whenever you’re mad or hook up with
your friend’s girlfriend or cheat on your taxes or shoplift or bail on your family or smack your kids, then
you aren’t a good person, no matter what you say.

20. What did you want to be when you grew up?

A marriage counselor, believe it or not. I wanted to understand how to have a successful marriage. That
seemed to me the cornerstone of stability and happiness.

21. Have you ever been given a second chance?

Oh, yes. I’ve made damned good use of it, too. I hate to use phrases like “watershed experience,” but…
yeah. I became, in many ways, a very different person after all that. I became a happy person after that.

22. Are you more of a giver or a taker?

A taker. Especially in my line of work. There’s so much to learn, especially from other scholars. I feel like
an academic leech at times, wanting to absorb all the knowledge others have and learn and understand
as much as possible. My family and friends tell me I’m generous to a fault, but since I’m not deeply
altruistically motivated, I don’t feel like a true giver. There’s nothing altruistic about wanting to make
sure your Gram isn’t driving a junker car and your FiL doesn’t have to work full-time when he should be
retiring due to health reasons.

23. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?

Isn’t that the way one is supposed to make decisions?

24. Who have you hugged today?

The Husband-Type Man. I haven’t seen anyone else in person today.

25. Who has done something today to show they care about you?
THTM ordered dinner to surprise me while I was taking a nap, so it was here when I woke up. My
brother called me to chat. Several of my friends called and/or emailed. Parlance made a dinner date
with me for this weekend so’s we could plan Audience Participation Showgirls. Kendra sent me
a note about being loved. The Slacker Hacker whined about me ignoring him, which means he cares. Rad
wanted to know if we could have a playdate. Sheri sent me a link to nekkid Robbietwiddling his ween!

26. Do you have a lot to learn?

Yes. That’s what life is about, isn’t it? That doesn’t mean I haven’t already learned a lot, though.

27. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?

 Speak multiple languages fluently

 Basic house construction/fix-it stuff

 Literary theory

28. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other
people make you feel?

As if they are three isolated, unrelated incidents…?

29. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?

Honesty. Trust. Mutual respect. Maturity. Equality. True partnership.

30. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?

 Something evil and inhumane, like harming/killing an innocent person or thing. I don’t think I
could torture an animal or harm someone even to save my own life.

 Something that would cause harm to mankind in general, like spreading a disease.

 Wasting away slowly and painfully.

31. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?

Since most of the causes I believe in – pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, social progressiveness, equality and
equal rights, firm separation of church and state, less government, term limits – can all be lumped under
one general liberal heading, I’d have to say the cause I believe in more than any other is fucking
INTELLIGENCE!

32. What does each decade make you think of:

The 19..

 20s : Scratchy jazz and blues recordings, great literature, great art, kewl hats, Paris, “new
women,” rattley autos….

 30s : Rose Wilder Lane, awesome fashions, socialism, fascism, ism ism ism, global unrest and
upheaval, more great literature, art deco, great architecture….
  40s : WW II, swing, more awesome fashions, new roles for women, transition to post-modern
era/contemporary era

 50s : sterility, sexism, racism, pre-fab everything

 60s : Optimism and revolution, first-waves, groovy music, possibilities

 70s : Horrible music, horrible clothing, horrible social conditions, horrible colors, horrible
childhood- Well, and disco.

 80s : New Wave, trashy mirrored clubs, glossy magazines, bright colors, bad dance moves, bad
hair, spectacular music, fashions I wish I’d been brave enough to wear….

 90s : Lousy music, nifty hippie revivals

 2000 (so far): A return to the 1950s, with the added fun of war

 2010s : Please, God, let it involve positive social change from what’s going on right now!

33. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?

Right now, I’d say either the 20s or the 80s. Most of my reading material and a big chunk of my music is
from the 20s, but I’ve also been on an early-New Wave/New Romantic kick and’ve been rocking lots of
music circa 1981-3 and ruminating about club scenes and social changes and such.

34. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?

Just one? Um… right now, I’d say Paul Simon’s “American Tune.”

35. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country?

US of A. And that’d be Führer George W. Bush.

36. If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be?

You really think the rest of us are as fucking stupid as you, don’t you, you smirking chimp?

37. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night?

When I have insomnia bad enough to hit the sofa for some TV, I usually watch the VH-1 shows… those
80s ones or the countdowns of, like, The Top 100 Worst One-Hit Love Songs. I secretly love that kind of
stuff!

38. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?

Fly, usually. But, since I HAVE flown to other continents, I’ve actually had a bit of a yen to take a boat,
all Betsy and the Great World, to Europe. And I don’t mean the contemporary Giant Floating Buffet boat,
but that genteel “we dress for dinner” turn-of-the-century “Great Tour” steamer trunk and steamer rug
thing.

39. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?

Because the 24-hour cycle of day and night reflects the greater cycle of life, of light and dark, of life and
death and rebirth. Or because there’s no sun at night. Take your pick.
40. What does your name mean?

Morning, a beginning, a new day. A professor once told me that I was put on this earth to “enlighten”
others. That was groovy.

41. Would you rather explore the depths of the ocean or outer space?

Neither, really, but since I hate flying, I’d prolly take the ocean. Let’s put it this way… I’d rather snorkel
than hang-glide.

42. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?

One of my favorite authors, likely. Choosing would be hard. Would it be Maud Hart Lovelace or Gertrude
Stein? Louisa May Alcott or Laura Ingalls Wilder? Frances Hodgson Burnett or Edith Wharton? Joseph
Campbell or Rose Wilder Lane? Itwouldn’t be Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner or Scott Fitzgerald,
though. Much as I like their work, I think I’d hate their guts as people.

43. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?

Sir Paul, maybe.

44. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?

No. I’m not a movie person, so the thought of watching the same one – even ones I love, like Mommie
Dearest or Empire Strikes Back – every day isn’t remotely appealing.

45. What small thing annoys you so much it should be a crime?

Email/text message lingo/writing style. People using multiple punctuation marks!!!!! Or people who
“don’t”……… know how to…….. use ellipses or quote “marks” properly!!!!!! What the fuck is wrong with
people????!!!!???? U kNOw wot i meen?????? LOL!!!!!!! ROTFLOL!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!! *insert stupid
emoticons here*

Fucktards.

46. Is it better to be loved or feared?

It depends on the person/people, but loved. Der. Although, after teaching, I’ve discovered it is great fun
to be feared!

47. Are you kinky?

I have my moments. I guess it depends on the definition. I mean, I don’t think threesomes, anal sex and
painful whippings are kinky, but rather, are indicative of highly problematic relationship dynamics.
However, I understand the fun of light bondage and toys.

48. How would you feel if twice a week you could wake up next to the person you love?

Bummed, because only twice a week ain’t nearly enough! I’d miss his cuddles. Starting off the morning
with him snuggling and kissing me and telling me he loves me, and knowing he means it, is the best
feeling!

49. What qualities made you fall in love with your partner?
Intelligence and intellectual curiosity. Genuineness. Honesty. Trustworthiness. Maturity.
Dorkiness. Especially the dorkiness!

50. What is your most cherished memory you share with your partner?

There are so, so many. Lessee…. One winter, about five years ago, when we lived in The Mansion, we
both got the flu, bad. The Mansion didn’t have heat yet, and it got freakin’ COLD in there. I woke up
shivering and icy cold in the middle of the night, and just couldn’t get warm, even though we had
blankets piled on us and I was cuddled up against him and we were both feverish. THTM got my
hairdryer from the bathroom, and stood there for about five minutes blowing hot air on my feet and
under the covers to warm me up, even though he felt just as crappy as I did. He’s the bestest, most
awesomest boy in the world.

A more smoofy choice might be when he asked me to marry him.

51. Are you and your partner more alike or more different?

Way more alike. We’re both typical older siblings: responsible, serious, dedicated, ambitious, and very
analytical; we were both shy and reserved kids with popular/outgoing younger brothers. Personality-
wise, both of us are still somewhat shy and can be tentative and reserved, especially in groups of people
we don’t know; you’re likely to find us sitting quietly observing and/or talking about the party instead of
being the life of it. Both of us are hardcore bookworms, listen to tons of music, and like learning new
stuff and figuring things out. We’re also both very self-sufficient, and like time to ourselves; it’s no
offense if one of us just needs some quiet time alone. We get very absorbed in what we’re doing, and
zone out and daydream a lot. We hoard things, don’t yell and scream, love music, love food and cooking,
love cuddling and being affectionate, have twisted senses of humor, and are very sentimental.

We’re different, though, in that THTM is more optimistic and less of a worrywart. We’re both detail-
oriented and organized, but in drastically different ways. I’m moody, he’s not. He’s great with money
and finances (he thinks it’s FUN to make budgets and analyze financial data, even!), I get tied up in knots
just balancing my checkbook. He likes going to movies, and I hate it. I like painting things and gardening,
and he hates it. I can dance. He totally can’t.

52. What song would you pick to describe your relationship?

“If I Ever Lose My Faith in You” by Sting.

53. Describe your partner in one word:

Loveable.

54. What was your parents’ reaction to your partner the first time they met? What was your partners’
parents’ reaction to you?

After our first date, my mom asked me “Do you think this could be The One?” C’mon, Mom, I don’t even
know what the man likes on his pizza, yet! Calm down!

THTM’s folks were awesome to me, both genuinely interested in getting to know me and letting me get
to know them. To just be wholly accepted by them, with none of the “Are you good enough for our
baby?” bullshit was a novelty for me.
55. When did you know you had fallen in love?

There was no one moment; it was like a slow crescendo. I do remember one instance when we were
talking about classes we’d taken, and he was telling me about a “The Bible as Literature” class he’d
taken, even though he was neither Christian nor an English student, just because it sounded really
interesting. I’ve enjoyed his intellectual curiosity since the beginning. And, although it was well after
we’d fallen in love, but I realized he was pretty special, and valued me as much as I did him, when he
moved into his new apartment and, the first time I visited him there and he was showing me around, he
mentioned that he’d saved me a bathroom drawer to use when I visited. One of those Little Things.
He wanted me to be part of his life. And to be part of mine.

56. What was your wedding like?

Extremely personal. We spent a lot of time, both together and alone, going over traditional wedding
vows, and really considering what we wanted to promise to each other and ourselves. We actually
ended up deconstructing and reconstructing the entire wedding ceremony, and re-wrote the whole
thing, incorporating poetry and elements of the hero journey, with very personal vows. It was a
ceremony in every sense. It felt like a different space in time.

I didn’t cry, but The Husband-Type Man did. That’s another for the “cherished memory” file. I’d never
seen him cry before.

And one of my favorite memories of all our wedding-ing is our dance lessons. THTM is a notoriously (oh
dear) bad dancer. Like, to the point that it’s a family joke. And some months before our wedding, he said
to me that no one was gonna make fun of his dancing at our wedding, so why didn’t we take some
lessons? We ended up having a couple private waltz lessons, with a choreographer who helped us plan a
whole dance routine. And because we lived in an apartment at the time and had no room to practice,
we’d take our portable CD player to the local park on afternoons after work and school, or on weekend
mornings before going out to breakfast, and dance together. Gads, we had fun! So after our expected
first dance, we surprised everyone by staying on the dance floor and breaking into our stylin’ moves
(whispering “ONE two three” to each other under our breaths). My MiL, as reserved as THTM himself,
cracked everyone up when she gasped aloud, “Wow! That’s not my son! That’s not my son!”

57. Recall a date from hell:

My last date with Boy Wonder. He wanted to go to a bar with a group of friends from work and get
drunk. Er, not my thing. And he kept hanging all over a very drunk Airhead, pushing her hair out of the
way and whispering secrets into her ear and laughing intimately. And at the time, I was still insecure
enough to think I was just being paranoid and jealous and petty, but… no. That was when it clicked in my
head, “Hey, this ain’t working.” But when I suggested the next day that maybe we should call things off,
he insisted he was really into the relationship and-

Yeah, right. Trust your feelings, Luke.

<montypython>I got better!</mp>

58. How did you know you had fallen out of love with a person?
Dumb Ass had dumped me about a week prior to the DumbAss’s Birthday incident... which happened
two days after I’d been in a car accident (a guy ran a red light and plowed into me, flipping my car
around). I hadn't yet told anyone that we'd split after 7+ years, and, in a neck brace and on the couch at
Gram’s, I was tearfully begging my mom to take DumbAss his birthday present from me so he wouldn’t
think I was slighting him because he didn’t know I’d been in an accident-

My mom looked at me strangely. “He knows; I called him the night it happened.” Wait, what? "What did
he say?" "He said 'Thank you for calling.'" That was all? He never once even asked “How is she? Is she
okay?” Not even a courtesy phone call to check on me? If the situation had been reversed, no matter
what, I would have at least called to say “Are you all right? Do you need anything?” or asked his mother
about his condition! Instead, he had invited my two best friends (who also didn’t even ask if I was okay
after the accident) to go out with him on his birthday and get drunk. And I finally, finally clued in that, no
matter what he said, he… God, he really didn’t care about me at all. If he did, his actions would’ve been
markedly different. No excuses.

With that, to my surprise, my love for DumbAss just stopped… as effectively as if a faucet had been
turned off. I’d thought I’d spend the rest of my life loving him, no matter what. I thought even if we
didn’t live Happily Ever After, part of me would always love him. But in a matter of seconds, that
"hindsight's 20/20 thing kicked in," and I saw clearly just how incredibly, soul-suckingly selfish a human
being he was. All the stuff I’d made excuses for, rationalized, convinced myself that “No, it’s not that
bad, I’m blowing it out of proportion. Deep down, he really-” Wrong. And the love just… quit. While I
didn’t wish him ill, I didn’t love him anymore, and never had even the slightest pang of “Maybe I still
might…?” ever since.

59. Out of all the people you know who is most likely to be one of the great minds of our time?

I don’t know, but I WISH it were me!

60. Is rubber ducky the one?

Simon fans think so!

61. When is the world going to end?

It already did, but no one’s noticed yet.

62. If you could be famous for inventing one thing what would it be?

The TOTO toilet.

63. Are you crying on the inside?

Not anymore. I used to when I was much younger. I was a true bottle-it-up, don’t-let-the-sun-catch-you-
crying type of person. I had to be happy! Cheerful! Positive! Anything else was selfish! Rude! Mean! (I
totally got that from Mom and Gram.) Until I was in my early 20s, most of my friends had never seen me
angry or upset, much less crying. I was the one everyone with problems turned to, but wasn’t supposed
to have problems myself. After a bunch of therapy, though, I discovered that not only is it healthy to get
angry sometimes, but if you’re always “the rock” or “the helper” or “the fixer-upper,” you can attract
some really sucky people that way.
It still takes a lot to upset me or piss me off, but now I have no problems showing it, any more than I
have problems with those I love expressing their feelings. It’s better that way, it turns out.

64. Are you afraid of the future?

Considering the state of this nation right now? You bet! It’s actually one of the primary reasons why we
haven’t had children.

65. If someone was asleep in the sun and you wanted to play a joke on them by writing a message
into their back with sunscreen so that when they burned the words would be on their skin what
would you write?

OUCH. Not very original, but hey.

66. How do you feel about the 1800's?

Considering that I do a lot of work on turn-of-the-century literature…? I’m more interested in the later
half, I suppose. Industrial revolution and all its effects. High colonialism and imperialism. Victorian stuff.
Social changes.

67. Do you roll your eyes a lot?

No, I’m more of a pained sigh/groan/wisecrack person. Although I write “*eyeroll*” a lot.

68. Do you prefer b-sides or remixes?

B-sides! Who would choose “The Monkey Mix” over “I Believe/All I Need to Know” or “ Silent Icy
River”?! You can either have interminable rehashings of a song, or all new, different material! I’ll take
the new stuff, thank you!

69. What makes the world go 'round?

Genuine love.

70. Is Blink 182 punk or pop?

Pop. Piercings and tattoos don’t make you punk; punk is all about attitude and breaking down existing
standards/boundaries. Besides, look at their song structures, videos and lyrics… ultimately, they’re
about entertainment, not subversion. Pop needs their fans to love them; punk doesn’t give a shit.

71. Do you remember Fat Albert?

Yes! Me and Sugie used to watch it every weekend! It’s still one of the best TV theme songs ever.

72. Do you take things slowly, as they come?

To a point, but I’m also very impatient. It’s my Cancerian crab-dance; I’ll waffle around for a while, trying
to decide, but once I’ve set my mind on something? NOW, dammit!

73. Are you laid back or tense?

A weird mixture of both. It depends on the situation. One the one hand, it takes a lot to anger me or
upset me; I’m not going to freak out about someone cutting me off while changing lanes or dinner
burning, but, on the other hand, I’m a hardcore stress-case with the things that (I think) matter, like
family things, or my work and school deadlines and papers and stuff.

74. Are you insecure?

*falls about in hysterical laughter*

75. Why can't we give ourselves one more chance? Why can't we all just get along?

Because we are, by nature, selfish creatures who look out after our own asses without regard for others,
no matter what we say.

76. How long have you ever gone without sleep?

Not more than a day. Physically, I can’t. I get really sick-feeling, and will eventually just fall asleep,
regardless of where I am. I need eight hours, or I can’t function.

77. What bands do you want to see live that you have never seen?

Leonard Cohen!

78. Do you like raunchy songs?

I love dirty blues, and have quite a collection of old raunchy blues songs. And I like raunchy songs with
kitsch-factor. “My Ding-a-ling” is NOT a raunchy song with kitsch-factor.

79. Do you like the band Squeeze?

Yes. My favorite songs by them are “Cool for Cats” and “Take Me I’m Yours.”

80. When you are angry or upset do you know you're being irrational but you can't really stop?

Rarely. I’m aware that some of my mood swings are irrational, but I’m hardcore analytical, and hold
myself to a high standard of fairness, so I’m unlikely to get pissed off without damned good reason. You
may not agree with me, but that doesn’t make it irrational.

81. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?

Gashing my finger open with a knife.

82. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?

Having to put Mouse to sleep, and holding him and feeling the heart that I’d fought to keep beating for
almost a year stop. I’ve never been able to completely get over the feeling that I should have done
something different in that situation. He was the best cat in the world, such a loving, faithful, awesome
companion. I was so torn about what to do, if it was selfish to keep him alive, or selfish to take the
“easy” way out and have him put to sleep when his heart failure was first diagnosed. Even now, 8 years
later, I can’t think about the night he died. It was unspeakable emotional horror.

83. Be honest… do you generally listen or wait for your turn to talk?

Interrupting is one of my worst traits. I usually get so excited about talking about something that I jump
right in. I have to be very careful in the classroom or at conferences, but I’ll still find myself sometimes
jumping in and babbling, despite my best intentions. I actually made it a point to apologize to one
classmate after a discussion, because she kept bringing up such great points about a text, and making
me think of stuff, and… off I went again. She should have kicked me. Hard.

84. Where are they now:

 Your first best friend in elementary school?

I have no idea. We were best friends in 4 th grade, and last time I saw her after elementary school was
about 10 years ago. She was a cashier at a store, and pretended not to recognize me.

 Your first crush?

He’s been dating Calista Flockheart for a few years.

 Your first boy/girlfriend?

 Your first love?

 Your first lover?

Those last three are one in the same, and, in one of the greatest karmic moves of all time, he’s married
to my ex-best friend, The Sycophant.

85. Do you have a lot of self pity?

Not really. I’ve had my moments at the time when something really bad happens, but usually I just get
pissed off at the situation and determine to make things work. I remember, when I was young, there
was a commercial for some help-line thing that had a woman saying “I’m not a victim of sex abuse; I’m a
survivor.” I feel that wholeheartedly. I’m not a victim of shit; I’m a survivor. There’s a huge difference. I
don’t use shit as a crutch. I don’t deserve a free pass or an easy out because of crap that happened.

86. Have you ever had something really good come out of something really bad that happened to
you?

God, yes. Remember that first love who’s married to my ex-best friend…? At the time, it was the most
brutal betrayal I’d experienced… two people who claimed to love me… then doing something so
unethical and underhanded and shitty? Andknowing it, but trying to turn it around like I was a betrayer
for… being upset about it? What kind of friend starts fucking your ex right after you’ve split up? What
kind of guy does that? The answer is: two extremely selfish and insecure people, one who wanted
“someone to love him” (as he put it to me when he dumped me), and one who wanted to think she got
something someone else wanted. Or, as Gram put it, “Water seeks its own level.”

Sorry, kids. That wasn’t the perfumey-pink call of true love y’all heeded. But because of that, I got away
from selfish, toxic relationships, got therapy, set some standards for future relationships, and grew the
fuck up. That was the up-slope of the aforementioned “watershed.” And they got stuck with each other.
Which is exactly what they deserved.

87. What is one of your secret delights?

When The Husband-Type Man and I flirt with each other. We do it a lot.
88. What gives you a cheap thrill?

Buying toys and/or makeup.

89. What is your biggest guilty pleasure?

Bad food, bad books/magazines and/or bad telly. Usually in some combination with each other.

90. Have you ever misinterpreted song lyrics in a funny way?

When I was little, I used to think that “Tie me kangaroo down, sport” was actually “Tymie Kangaroo,
down, sport!” Like the kangaroo’s name was Tymie Kangaroo, and someone was admonishing him
“down, sport!”

91. Are you under pressure?

I’m in a Ph.D. program. What the fuck do you think?!

92. How well do you know yourself?

Extremely. Between the counseling, the EMDR, the overly-analytical personality, the pressure and the
sense of responsibility, I’m extraordinarily reflective about my personality, my actions, my emotions. I’m
also brutally honest with myself, and I don’t mean all Danny Bonaduce Professional Victim “Lookit me!
Yeah! I’m so fucked up, man!” I mean, like, when I’m inclined to procrastinate something or afraid to try
something, I ask myself tough questions and don’t rationalize shit. And then (usually) I take action. I
actually have some issues I’m working through (religion-based. Thank you, Puritanical Christianity) about
having to be completely honest and ethical and do ___ and ___ and ____ or else I deserve God’s
punishment. So I can’t lie to myself or reconfigure things to rationalize them; I have to face them baldly.

That’s why I have such a hard time taking bullshit from other people, too. You’d really expect me to
believe… that? Really? Lie to yourself all you want to, dipshit, but don’t lie to me and expect it to work.

93. What wins the award as stupidest lyric you can think of?

“Can you taste the summer? I do, I find it in your mouth” What the shit is that, El Nob?

94. Do you have a mentor? Who?

Yes… a children’s/feminist-lit scholar whose work I studied for years. I discovered she taught a summer
program, and I applied, got in, started working with her, and… damn. She ended up retiring two years
later, and gave me her collection of Frances Hodgson Burnett books to “pass the torch” to me. That’s
the greatest academic honor I’ve ever experienced. I still get goosebumps thinking about it.

95. Name a person you love: How do you love them? Let's count the ways...

I’ve banged on enough about The Husband-Type Man elsewhere, so I’m gonna pick someone else that I
don’t often talk about in-depth: Sugarbear. It’s hard to believe that we used to hate each other’s guts,
but as kids, we did. It wasn’t until he moved away and I moved away and we started talking on the
phone and stuff that that changed. I once told him, “You know, I’m the only one other person in the
world who can really understand what you went through growing up,” and it’s true; no one else gets
personally what it’s like to have had The Stepfathers, or to be our Dumb Dads’ offspring, or have lived
under certain circumstances. We also really developed a strong respect for each other, and can be balls-
out honest – “I don’t agree with that, but I respect your decision” sort of thing. He’s the proverbial
crunchy coating outside, soft squishy inside; he really takes things to heart, so it’s hard for me to not
jump in with “STOP THAT! You’re going to get hurt!” on occasion. I admire his loyalty, sense of
responsibility, and his work ethic. Especially, I admire his generosity. He’s the type of person that will
(pick your cliché) bend over backwards, give you the shirt off his back, and do whatever he can to help
someone out. He’s also hysterically funny, and most of our time together is spent having conversations
that no one else could figure out and laughing like loons; we can have lengthy dialogues that are nothing
but non sequitur movie quotes and weird family catch-phrases. Finally, he’s an extraordinarily talented
drummer, like, blow-you-away innovative. I’m so proud of him for taking thatplunge with his music,
finally. He doesn’t want to be a “rock star”; he wants to be an artist. And he is.

96. Does your place have a lawn gnome?

No, but it should! It has several statuettes in the back yard and a couple fountains. Secretly, I’ve always
loved those tacky plaster animals, too. I want a whole menagerie of ‘em!

97. Do you ever wonder, “why me”? When?

Sometimes. I’ve had a few points in my life where everything just collapsed, and I had trouble figuring
out what I’d done to cause all this awful stuff, because I must just be the worstest person in the world,
and-

Well, and, as life unfolds, it becomes clearer that sometimes the painful crap is much like amputating a
diseased limb without anesthesia. Not fun, but overall better for your health… indeed, survival. It’s that
“everything happens for a reason” stuff again.

98. Is rap a form of poetry?

Absolutely. It’s based on rhythm and rhyme. Doesn’t mean I like it, though.

99. How many days until your birthday?

Damn, I dunno… half a year. I’d have to, like, do math to figure it out. *twirls hair*

100. Have you ever MEANT to hurt anyone?

The last few interactions with My Dumb Dad, I knew he’d be hurt by what I said, but that wasn’t my
goal. I have a huge guilt complex, so I don’t set out to cause someone pain. The last time I consciously
WANTED to hurt someone was when I sent that nasty-ass letter to someone I’d been friends with all
through jr. hi., high-school and beyond. I felt like she’d been hurting me with her snippy comments and
overly-critical attitude, so I wanted to, for what I considered the first time, give her some of her own.
I’ve regretted it ever since. It did no good to anyone.

101. Do you usually feel physically well or unwell?

Well. A little tired and stiff in the neck, as usual, but other than that, very well.

102. Why are there hardly ever any fat people in movies?
Because fat people aren’t as good as thin people. And everyone knows the movies are all about what’s
good and right and fun.

103. Are you funky?

Not particularly.

104. Do apologies always make things all better?

No. Saying your sorry means nothing if your actions don’t show it. Or change. Dad.

105. What's the silliest name you can think of?

Jammy dodger.

106. If a cop pulled you over and asked if he could search your car what would you say?

According to my cousin GJ, who’s a cop, I have every right to 1) insist on driving to a well-lit area and/or
the police station, and 2) ask to see ID and examine it carefully. If a cop is unwilling to accommodate
that, I’d be suspicious and call 911 on my cell phone.

107. What has been the greatest invention so far?

Well, the computer and Internet, obviously. And chocolate.

108. Would you wear a thong bathing suit in public?

I wouldn’t wear ANY bathing suit in public!

109. Hello I love you won't you tell me your name?

I love Missing Persons’ version of that. Dale sounds so cute… like she’s gurgling. And Terry… ah, Terry!

110. If you had to be surgically attached at the hip for two years to either Britney Spears, George W.
Bush or an ugly creepy nasty troublesome nice troll, who would you pick and why?

Britney. I’d hope I could help her smarten up, grow a spine, ditch Federshizzle, and bathe on occasion.
I’d kill Dubya before the day was up, and have to spend the rest of my life in jail… with his carcass
surgically attached to me for two years. Hm. Actually, it might be worth it to be stuck with Dubya. I’d
take him to my friends’ Non-Profit Organization for welfare-to-work women, and sic Parlance and Mr.
Larry and my MiL on him. THAT would be fun! The thought of a troll in any incarnation is neither
appealing nor intriguing.

111. Would you rather be guaranteed to have your dream job or never be heartbroken?

Never be heartbroken. Much as I love my work, I still have expended a lot of anxiety about the potential
for heartbreak.

112. Have you thought about death today?

I think about it most days. I’m scared of it. It’s one of my Issues.

113. What is a continental breakfast?

A fancy way of a mid-level hotel serving you shitty pre-packaged muffins and juice from concentrate.

114. Have you ever hit a stop sign or made some other dumb traffic move?

I bumped into the back of Stepfather 2’s truck’s trailer hitch when I was learning to drive. It tore open
the bumper on Mommy’s Hyundai, and we discovered Hyundai bumpers are made of… Styrofoam.

115. Are you the life of the party? Do you wish you were?

No and no. I prefer to observe. I find that most people who have to be the life of the party are usually
pretty insecure.

116. What places do you get energy from? What places drain you of energy?

Physical places…? I get tremendous energy – and peace of mind – from the ocean or a river or lake…
someplace where water is moving. From home, too, with all its coziness and happy places and stuff. Los
Angeles freeways, however, completely drain me of energy. Or anyplace crowded, like malls or airports
or other public places.

117. Is sex an act of magic?

Yes, it can be, in the “two become one” sense. Sometimes the connections when we’re looking deep
into each other’s eyes or kissing are intensely magical.

118. When do you get your most peaceful and satisfying sleep?

With The Husband-Type Man. We sleep all wrapped up together, bundled under our blanket and
cuddled up, and it’s the coziest thing in the world.

119. What gets you going in the morning?

Kevin & Bean and hot cocoa or tea.

120. Are dreams messages?

Of course they are, from your unconscious mind. I always spend a few minutes in the morning before I
get up thinking over what I’ve dreamed and trying to figure out why/where it came from.

121. How many lovers have you had?

Actual sex partners as opposed to romances? I guess it doesn’t matter, because the answer’s the same:
Three.

122. Do you get along better with guys or girls (as friends)?

Girls, I guess. Most of my closest friends are women. There’s no conscious choice about that in terms of
gender, though.

123. Is there anything you think we should NOT do?

Unethical and/or immoral things. Don’t steal. Don’t do things that hurt others. Don’t lie. Don’t be shitty.

124. Do you trust your government?

Gads, no!

125. I am now going to ask one of the hardest questions in the history of the universe.... How are you?

As content and happy as a cat in the sun. *knocking on wood* (You’ll notice by that, that I can never
take happiness for granted, or as a given.)

126. What promise could you never keep?

Something that required compromising my self or my ethics. Thus, I don’t make promises I can’t keep.
And I hate people who do.

127. Was there a time when you were younger and it took less to get you excited? What did it take
then? What does it take now?

I don’t freak out as easily as I used to about stuff going wrong.

128. Would you prefer a movie with great character and story or great special effects (don't pick both,
that's cheating)?

I fucking hate all the emphasis on special effects in movies. I’ll take character development, thank you.

129. Have you ever experienced culture shock?

Multiple times. I enjoy it, actually; it’s a great learning experience. Not always pleasant, though. Like the
racism we witnessed in Namibia. Cold horror, I tell ya, when you can see what possibilities are bubbling
right there under the surface. But it was fun in Japan, because it’s obvious you’re a gaijin and you aren’t
going to know and understand stuff, and if you ask questions, people are usually happy to explain stuff,
and if you can manage to speak even a little Japanese, they’re THRILLED! Man, I thought a couple people
were gonna applaud when we’d say “Arigato gozaimasu” or “sumimasen”!

130. Do you ever go to school or work when you feel like you do not look your best? Does doing this
effect your whole day?

Yes and no. If I didn’t go out when I wasn’t feeling I looked my best, I’d rarely leave the house.

131. What makes someone a patriot?

Right now, I’m cynical enough to think “ignorance.”

132. What's the most interesting object in the room with you?

I’m in my office, so I’m surrounded by interesting things. I have hundreds of books, an awesome collage
of antique photos and postcards, pictures of loved ones, tons of photocopied articles, copies of old
magazines like Delineator and Godey’s Ladies’ Book, my weird pencil collection, all my old journals, a
Hello Kitty notepad that’s a toaster and pops up toast-shaped papers (I’m not a Hello Kitty fan, but this
was so groovy!), my collection of Things I’ve Stolen From Authors’ Houses/Yards – mostly rocks, but a
few leaves and twigs and things, too – the Hemingway Shrine, knick-knacks from various Chinatowns,
and a bunch of Barbies (unusually for me, still in boxes) that friends’ve given me, like California Girl
Barbie, Barbie’s Crippled Friend Becky, Ken’s Gay Boyfriend Steven, and ‘NSync Fan Barbie.

133. Do you believe that everyone who doesn't believe in your religion is going to hell?
No. I think that most religions are various cultures’ manifestations of essentially the same thing: love.
Love your God. Love your neighbor as yourself. Try to be a decent human being.

134. What is the best thing about winter?

Winter! I love it, especially snowy and bitterly cold days. So invigorating. When we lived in Milwaukee, I
enjoyed those insanely icy-cold morning walks where breathing feels like gulping freezing water. I love
thawing out with hot chocolate or tea or a bath, feeling snowflakes melt on my cheeks, and bundling up
in coats and scarves and gloves. I love writing or reading on snowy, cold days. I love cuddling with THTM
in bed on winter nights. I always feel more alive in winter. Hot weather, on the other hand, makes me
feel lethargic.

135. If you don't say what you are thinking isn't that a form of lying because you aren't showing your
true self?

To an extent. But what’s more important is behaving in a principled way, so sometimes it’s best to
refrain from saying anything instead of being an ass or hurting someone. There’s usually something that
doesn’t compromise one or the other, although it may take some time to figure it out.

136. Have you ever looked back at someone you loved and wondered “what attracted me to THEM?”

Uh, yeah.

137. What do you think of Drew Barrymore?

Lispy Potato-face (tm Hissyfit)? I vacillate between hating her and wanting to like her but not.

138. Is there anything you don't do?

Lots of things. Drugs, for one. Threesomes, anal sex, public sex… those things are more about insecurity
and power than sexual health and freedom. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink coffee. I don’t eat black jelly
beans. I don’t watch those medical surgery TV shows or horror flicks ‘cos they completely wig me out. I
don’t hike or jog. I don’t combine fruit and chocolate. I don’t aggro-drive and race people. I don’t go
braless in public. I don’t mosh, line-dance or Chicken Dance. I don’t take things for granted.

139. Pick 3 random letters. Now think of the first 3 things that pops into your head that starts with
each letter.

K, B, M

 Kentucky (Damn you, Birmie!)

 Bollocks

 Mustard

140. Do you dress more revealing or more covered up?

Covered up.

141. What does it take to be a “real gentleman”?

A feminist perspective
142. Where would you go if you were going somewhere you don't usually go?

Someplace wild and loud and smoky, like a rowdy club or a bar or big party. That’s not my usual thing.

143. Who would you talk to if you were going to talk to someone you don't usually talk to?

An idiot, like a right-wing racist sexist homophobe. I don’t usually have extended conversations with
people like that.

144. What would you read if you were going to read a book that you wouldn't usually read?

Prolly chick-lit or sci fi or mysteries or most best-sellers. I never read that stuff. Hell, I don’t read much of
anything published after the 1930s, unless it’s criticism. No time!

145. Why don't you try doing you or ever do SOMETHING unusual for you, just to see what comes of
it?

I do quite often, actually. That’s what most of my travel adventures and food adventures and education
adventures come from.

146. What are your feelings about:

 Picasso?

Fucking stud. I’ve studied a fair amount of his art, since obviously his work was central to the work of
several of my favorite authors. I don’t always LIKE his stuff, but looking at it makes you re-think shape
and form.

 Van Gogh?

He’s responsible for my Fine Art Revelation. When The Husband-Type Man and I first went to the
National Gallery, seeing his canvases in person forever changed the way I thought about art. He
practically sculpted with paint. Seeing a print of one of his paintings can’t begin to do his work justice.

 Michelangelo?

I spent one early morning in Florence just sitting in the Loggia as the sun came up, staring at David (and
several other statues by various artists). Of course, it’s a copy of David, but still…. I was most fascinated
by the hands; because of the perspective, the hands are huge, and it seems to focus not only on the
strength and grace that the figure would (ostensibly) use to hurl the giant-killing stone, but just on the
build of tension and raw human emotion that would fuel the action in the first place.

 DaVinci?

Don’t know nearly enough about him, but looking at his compositions of things like The Virgin and Child
was how I learned how to read traditional art… like, the triangular composition and where the eye is first
drawn to and all that. Some of his drawings were one of the first things I saw at the National Gallery the
first time that just amazed me.

 Einstein?
I know next to nothing about him, but I’m always amused by the pictures of him with crazy hair, wearing
bedroom slippers.

 Tesla?

I hate pussy-rock hair metal. Unless this is supposed to refer to Nikola...?

147. Who else can you think of that made a MAJOR contribution to art or science?

Gertrude Stein.

148. Who can you think of that made a major contribution to modern thought?

Freud and Jung. And Ferdinand de Saussure.

149. Would you ever want to visit Thailand?

Sure!

150. What culture are you fascinated by?

Most of them. That’s part of the fun of traveling. I enjoy experiencing the different culture just by going
to another state or city. I’ve done a fair amount of reading on French culture and Asian – mostly
Japanese – culture. And don’t get me started on historical cultures, because if we start talking about
turn-of-the-century stuff, I’ll never shut up.

151. Have you ever worn a cape?

Yup. It’s a groovy blue wool one I’ve had for about 10 years. A friend gave it to me for my birthday.

152. What makes you who you are?

My weirdness. My stubbornness and fortitude. My sense of self.

153. How do you search for meaning in life?

“An unexamined life is not worth living” – Plato

That and the eternal quest for knowledge provide meaning. The search itself is the meaning. Deep, huh?

154. You are alone with your lover's diary. What do you do?

Nothing. I wouldn’t read his, any more than he’d read mine. It wouldn’t occur to either of us to, actually.

155. What were your favorite things to do in the yard as a kid?

Set up forts in the brush, either as a secret clubhouse, or for my Barbies or Star Wars action figures.
Sometimes me and Sugie and the occasional friend played pretend games, like acting out our versions of
Star Wars or something. But I wasn’t a run-around-and-play-games type of kid. I had a great Barbie
abode for most of one summer under a huge fern in the front yard. My Sindy doll, Annie, lived there,
foraging for berries.

156. Did you ever feel that you were unable to function in society?
Twice, for a very short time, post-DumbAss and post-Boy Wonder, what I think of as my Spring Break in
Hades. I just kinda shut down emotionally in order to deal with things. Cancer = hermit crab, sometimes.
Not fun. I got kind of agoraphobic and panicky about everything, like if I ventured beyond the safety of
my own space it'd feel like I was going to come to Great and Painful Harm.

157. Is it nap time yet?

Yes! I love naps, but it totally fucks up my sleep schedule, so I try to resist them. I’d prolly be at my best
in Italy or Spain, where naps are a way of life.

158. Do you like trains?

Yes, as long as they’re clean and not crowded (and no screaming children… like little Michael!). The
Bullet Train in Japan was kick-ass.

159. What's in Hungary?

Old churches, art, and stuff like that. And the Danube. I’ll let you know after I visit.

160. Have you ever felt like you were holding someone else back? Has someone ever held you back?

I usually was the one who held myself back. And, of course, DumbAss and I should’ve let go of each
other years before we did.

161. What do you think of the term, 'organized religion'?

It makes me break out in hives.

162. What frustrates you?

Stupid people. Not being able to scratch that spot on my back that itches. Shopping. Pokey, bumbly
people. Insomnia. Being sick. Busy signals. People who can’t even be honest with themselves, much less
others. Indecisiveness. Hiccups. Big trucks and SUVs. Airplanes. Traffic. Having to go to the bathroom
when there’s no bathroom available.

163. Where were you the night of... oh hell, last night?

Last night I was hunched over my desk, reading stuff for class and working on a presentation I have to
give next week.

164. Do you pronounce the 'er' sound at the end of words (lookER or lookA)?

Yes. I have very careful pronunciation. On occasion, people ask me where I’m from and am gobsmacked
when I say “here” or “ Southern California” because I usually speak so properly that they think it’s an
accent or something.

165. What’s the best way to learn a new language?

Immersion, where you can both hear it spoken and see it written.

166. Is God in you?

Absolutely. He-She-It is in all of us.

167. Are you in God?

If we are made in the image of God, it stands to reason we are.

168. Do you know which fork to use at a formal table setting?

Yes, you start at the outside and work your way in towards the plate. Dessert silverware is usually above
the plate.

169. Who is the most annoying musical artist EVER?

Pee Diddly Do Daddy-O. Has he ever done anything truly original? He’s a conceited ass. Plus he has no
chin.

170. If you HAD to go to one of the following concerts, which would it be:

 Snow

 Vanilla Ice

 NKOTB

 Milli Vanilli

 BSB

 NSYNC

See, what’s sad about that question is that I HAVE gone to see ‘NSync AND Backstreet Boys. WILLINGLY!
HAPPILY!

I still fucking hate New Kids, Vanilla, and Milli Vanilli, though. Not even for kitsch value.

Never heard Snow.

171. Do you believe in manifest destiny?

No, actually I think it’s one of the biggest problems with our country… that attitude that we can move in
and take over, physically. Because GOD SAID SO! Yeah! It’s totally fucked up the American Mentality.
(This is what happens when you take too many classes dealing with issues of colonialism and
imperialism.)

172. Have you ever fallen for an email forwarding hoax (send this to 13 people and old navy will send
you a $200.00 gift card)? Do you ever think 'well, maybe...' and actually forward those damn things?

Only once. I signed a petition about gay marriage that turned out to be a hoax. I felt like a tard, too.

173. What does this world need?

Peace, tolerance, and economic stability.

174. Is there anything you do just because you want to even though it has no redeeming social value?
Play with my Barbies. Although, considering the emails I still get from women thanking me for my
Blather about my Barbies and how it helped them with their own childhood stuff or just encouraged
them to not feel guilty about their own idiosyncrasies, maybe it DOES have redeeming social value!

175. If you drink what kind of drunk are you?

Pathetic. I have half a margarita, and immediately get sleepy, spongy-headed and dumb. This is why I
don’t drink.

176. If you have any cousins, are you close?

I love them, but most of us have little in common. They think I’m weird for still being in school and
having “all those books.” And I think their children/mall/acrylic nails/TV/no career stuff is weird.

177. Are you desperate but not serious?

I’m serious but not desperate. But your kisses still do drive me delirious. (Did y’all know one of my
friends had a fling with Adam Ant? They still send Christmas cards on occasion.)

178. What was the first movie you got on DVD?

I have no idea. I don’t buy a lot of movies because 1) I think it’s lame for people to buy all these billions
of movies that they keep stacked all over their living room and maybe watch once, and 2) I don’t watch
that many movies, anyway. I do get a few favorite TV shows, though. I have all the Little House on the
Prairie and Felicity episodes, and I’m salivating for the release ofGidget and Beverly Hills 90210.

179. Do guys look good in make up?

Some do.

180. What are 5 things you don't care about?

 “Must-see” TV and movies

 Cars

 Hot nightspots

 Useless faux-celebrities like Paris Hilton

 Most sports

181. What “issue” do you think your opinion is so right about that you end up trying to sway others to
your point of view?

Gender/women’s rights.

182. What age do you hope to live until?

Until I can no longer function mentally or am in constant pain.

183. Do you like to tie others down during sex? Have you ever been tied down?
Sure, as long as it’s not painful. It only works if you truly trust each other, though. When it’s done
because you feel you HAVE to or because your partner is trying to get you to do something you don’t
want, then it sucks. Which is why I refused with DumbAss. It’s an exit, not an entrance, fucknut. And no,
I DON’T have to do it because you reeeally want to.

184. Do you own any "toys"? Do you ever use them?

Yes and yes. THTM’s gotten me some nice ones over the years. And last summer at the dorms, a bunch
of us were discussing various feminist and female issues, and one woman said she didn’t think she’d
ever had an orgasm, and so I ended up ordering Rabbits online for everyone on our floor!

185. Do these questions make you uncomfortable?

No, but the thought of Mommy printing up this Blather and letting my Gram read it sure does!

186. You know those ___ for dummies books (COMPTERS FOR DUMMIES, SURFING FOR DUMMIES,
GOLF FOR DUMMIES, WICCA FOR DUMMIES)? Which one do you need to read?

Time Management for Dummies. Self-Esteem for Dummies.

187. What do your socks look like?

White, plain and boring. Is that supposed to be deeply revealing?

188. So, which one do you express more, your ID or your SUPEREGO?

Superego, all the way.

189. Do you think that people who are alone and depressed are depressed because they are alone or
alone because they are depressed?

It’s a cycle, but I think most people who are alone have made choices in their lives that resulted in their
alone-ness.

190. Can you complete any of the following lyrics:

 I stop and I stare too much, afraid that I care too much...

Oh! That’s… damn. Oh! Depeche Mode, “The Sweetest Perfection.” (Harold, can Dexter sing that in its
entirety too?)

 You're a new and better man, he helps you to understand, he does everything he can, he's....

Doctor Robert! Well, well, well, you’re feeling fine!

 Took the needles from my arms and put them to the sky...

Huh. I have no idea. *looks up on Google* Moby! I dig Moby, but don’t know most of his lyrics.

 Top Gun shut down your Firm like Tom Cruise....

*looks up* Busta Rhymes. I’d’ve never guessed that in a million years.

 Don't you take it so hard now, and please don't take it so bad....
Dunno that one at all, either. Ah. Guns ‘n Roses. No wonder I didn’t know. Fucking HATE.

 From around the way, born in '73, Harcore B-boy named...

Doesn’t sound like anything I’ll know. *looks up* Easy E. Yup. Wouldn’t know.

 And this feeling shivers down your spine, Love comes in colors I can't deny....

That sounds vaguely familiar. *looks up* Huh. I don’t like the Pumpkins, generally speaking. I’m guessing
I’d know this song if I heard it, though, ‘cos THTM digs the Pumpkins.

 Before he hung up the phone he took a deep breath, stopped, and replied....

Sounds like a volume of “Trapped in the Closet.” *looks up* Insane Clown Posse? Like I’d know that….

 When I want you in my arms, when I want you and all your charms, whenever I want you all I
have to do is...

Dre-e-e-e-eam, dream dream dream. Oh, I do the harmonies on this one, too. I rule. I was thrilled when
The Everley Brothers joined Simon and Garfunkel on tour. I sang every song with ‘em, too. In harmony.
The old farts were impressed, I’m sure.

 Silly games that you were playing, empty words we both were saying...

*yodeling* Say you believe it, say you belieeeeeve it…. I fucking love the Spice Girls. Sporty’s the best!

191. Have you ever been to see a ballet?

Several times. I used to dance it, too. Badly, but still, I was on pointe and everything. Les Sylphides is my
favorite, but I haven’t seen that one in person yet. It’s on my List, though. Michael Bourne’s production
of Swan Lake was one of the most breathtaking things I’ve ever seen.

192. What is the difference between Satan and Pan?

Essential evil and malice, desire to be God.

193. What should a poem be or do if it is a successful poem?

It should be or mean or do something different each time you read it. See: Dickinson.

194. When you interpret a poem can each line mean anything you want it to?

Author’s intent should always be considered, but from the second an author is done with a work, it can
and does take on contextual meanings independent of what the author intended.

195. Are you anal-retentive?

Totally, but THTM is worse. He gets it from his mom. They put post-it notes on everything, and have files
for files of files. I tease them both relentlessly about it.

196. What was the last thing you returned to the store?

Two weeks ago I took back a shirt (which I bought without trying on) that didn’t fit right. And I have to
send back two pairs of shoes to zappos.com that didn’t fit, too.
197. Is 'no glove, no love' your STRICT policy?

No shit. Although that doesn’t always work, either.

198. What is the best Epic movie?

Lord of the Rings. Wait, does The Godfather count as an epic…?

199. Have you ever had 'missing time'?

Yeah, and it’s scary. During my hardcore Anxiety Period back in My Spring Break in Hades, when I was
buried underneath afghans on the couch with the TV on for noise, there are quite a few hours and
chunks of days that just slid away.

200. Do you eat too much sugar?

Yup. Not as bad as I used to, now that I gave up the smack- er, the Pepsi.

201. Can you think of anything that is unhelpful, or useless, yet traditional and unquestioned? What?

Most gender stereotypes and the notion of racial essentialism.

202. Can you do 'six degrees of separation' to anyone famous?

Lots of them. One of my friends is friends with John Taylor. Another runs Warren’s website. Another
drew for Spongebob Squarepants. Another used to work for Tim Burton. One books for/owns a bunch of
clubs, including two biggies on the Sunset Strip. One used to work for Rick Dees at KIIS, and now has her
own radio show. One's a Groundling. Sugie's working with a bunch of musicians, both famous and just
"respected in the musical community," at school.

And Marilyn Monroe’s real father was my grandpa’s cousin.

203. What's the oddest thing in your home?

The Husband-Type Man.

204. Do you find it odd when people who are not handicapped use the handicapped stall:

 in the bathroom?

No, because that’s handicap-accessible, not handicap-exclusive. Sometimes, like at airports, it’s the only
stall I can fit my suitcase in. Obviously, if someone who needs it comes in, I have no problem not using
the larger stall.

 in the parking lot?

Yes. Parking is a different story. Of course, lots of people who aren’t in wheelchairs have to park close to
stores for various other ailments: asthma, back pain, whatnot. So if someone has that blue placard in
their car, I usually assume they’re supposed to be making use of that space.

205. Do you sometimes find yourself talking to yourself? Do you answer yourself back?
Yes and yes. According to Abraham Maslow, it’s the sign of great mental health. I’m usually admonishing
myself, though.

206. What is the best excuse for why you haven't done your homework?

Because I was asleep on a 13-hour flight from Tokyo. But I did my homework anyway.

I actually had one student tell me that he didn’t do it because he was too drunk the night before. And
expected me to give him an extension. Sorry. Wrong.

207. Does culture shape behavior or does behavior shape culture?

I’ll be spending the rest of my life contemplating the nuances of this question. Amongst other things.

208. What determines whether a person will be:

 intelligent?

Intellectual curiosity

 pretty?

Attitude

 happy?

A secure sense of self

 successful?

Ambition/inner drive

209. Who REALLY has a higher sex drive, girls or guys? How can you tell?

It’s all media-contrived bullshit. You can’t make a generalization based on gender like that. Some do,
some don’t.

210. Do you generally prefer reading to meeting people?

Yeah. I’m not a small-talk meet-and-greet type of person.

211. Do you often long for excitement?

No, my life is pretty exciting, actually. And during The Years of Drama and Turmoil, I used to long for
stability instead.

212. Are you mostly quiet when you are with others?

With strangers, usually. Not with my friends, though!

213. Do you often do things spur of the moment?

Rarely. I ponder things first.

214. Are you slow and unhurried in the way you move?
Nope. You don’t live and work in NYC and remain slow and unhurried for long.

215. Do you enjoy wild parties?

Not in the least.

216. Have you ever paid for something priced more than $5.00 in only change?

Do photocopies count? I carry huge amounts of change for photocopying, because half of the machines
don’t take bills or the bill-thingie is broken. Other than that, I can’t remember when or what, but I’m
sure I have. It was prolly something like gas or Taco Bell in my Starving Student days or a parking fee I
wasn’t anticipating.

217. Have you told your parents you love them today?

I tell Mom and Gram I love them every time I talk to them, and I usually talk to them a couple times a
week. I tell my in-laws I love them. I tell my friends I love them. I tell THTM I love him a lot.

218. What is the difference between a number two pencil and any other kind of pencil?

Ah, this is one of life’s great mysteries.

219. Is oral sex, anal sex or regular sex more intimate?

It’s (well, most of it is) all intimate. Regular sex when you’re close and face-to-face is pretty intimate, but
oral is, too. However, anal sex isn’t usually about intimacy; it’s about control and/or power. Just ask Dr.
Drew. While I’m well aware that there are a few women who are just wired differently enough to enjoy
it physically, generally speaking-

Wait a sec.

Mom? STOP READING NOW! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

What I wrote elsewhere once ‘splains how I feel best:

I have to admit, I'm increasingly disturbed by the... misogyny, I guess, implied with the whole (pun) anal-
sex thing. Yeah, I know there are some women who truly enjoy it, but generally, it seems you hear
"Well, I don't really like it, but HE wanted to, so-"

What man would do something physically painful, humiliating, degrading and possibly harmful because
SHE wanted it?

I also don't get the appeal of it. I mean, vaginas are warm and wet and friendly and (usually) clean. You'd
think a guy would be more into that than a butt-hole. So again, the degradation aspect disturbs me.
Plus, I can't help wondering about guys who are exclusively interested in the back-door. I'm sure lots of
folks would disagree, but if you have no interest in vagina, that seems... well, closer to homosexuality for
my comfort in a partner.

I guess I tend to agree with Dr. Drew that anal sex is usually about power/control/manipulation, not sex.
Of course, anything that can cause tearing, bleeding, and the possibility of your anus, um, falling outis a
little much for me.
Besides, there's so much other fun stuff to do!

Wow, I think it’s time to shift gears….

220. Apples or peaches or pumpkin pie?

Pumpkin pie! Yummy! That’s my favorite post-Thanksgiving breakkie, even though I now pay for it with
heartburn. Jeebus, I’m old.

221. What was one evening you'll never forget?

A recent one was last month, when The Husband-Type Man and I had been separated for a week. I was
on a research trip, and he had to go up to San Francisco for work, and I flew in to meet him for a half-
weekend before heading home, and his work partner was having an open house and all that. So THTM
fetches me at the airport, and then drives not to Gerry’s house, but to a nearby hotel. He grinned, held
up a room key, and said “By the way… your flight doesn’t get in until seven tonight.”

222. If you had money to burn, what 'toy' would you spend your money on (think monopoly game
with real money, luxury boat, a train layout that takes up a house, etc.)?

I’d want a plush but secluded beach house. With a housekeeper/cook/massage therapist.

223. What are you guilty of?

Feeling guilty about everything.

224. What gives you inner strength?

God, love, and my own resilience. Does that sound like an awards acceptance speech?

225. If you don't like the service at a restaurant would you skip the tip?

It takes a lot to get me to that point, but yes, emphatically, I would and have.

226. When people lose weight, where does it go?

My ass.

227. What kind of bread do you like to eat (white, rye, potato, grain, whole wheat, etc)?

Bread is one of my favorite foods, and I like most kinds… especially when it’s fresh and crusty. I don’t like
it when it has bits and things in it, though, like grains or raisins.

228. Are you emotionally articulate?

I understand myself. Does that count?

229. Does everything happen for a reason?

Yes. Very much so. We may not know why at the time, but over time it can become clear.

230. Can you think of a door that has closed in your life? Can you think of a window that has opened?

Yes, but we’ve already discussed that at length.

231. What helps you to get over a major heartache?

Taking care of my emotional self and well-being. And therapy. A lot of therapy.

232. Can you depend completely upon yourself? Have you ever tried?

Yes and yes. It was actually an important step for me to take before I got involved with/lived
with/married someone. I had to live on my own, handle all my own bills, take care of myself, and be
100% responsible for myself.

233. Do you often make the best discoveries when you really weren't looking for anything (or
anyone)?

Of course! From rambles through flea markets to getting lost walking around a foreign city to meeting
The Husband-Type Man, the best discoveries are usually total surprises.

234. Have you ever been prank called?

When I was in my teens, someone used to crank call me all the time. He knew my name, and would start
talking to me, like “Hi, Dwanollah. Do you know who this is?” and would then start making graphic
comments or just doing the whole “You know who this is” shtick. And because I was such a pussy-ass
spineless wimp, I was too embarrassed and intimidated to say “No” or hang up, because that was RUDE!
And, oh, the horrors of being RUDE to someone who was tormenting me! *eyeroll* Yeah. I finally
started saying “No, who is this?” but he would keep playing the “You know who it is” game. Fucking A. I
should’ve read The Gift of Fear decades ago.

I never found out who it was, but I had some suspicions.

Anyway, now I have no tolerance for that. If I ask “Who’s this?” and the person says “You know who it
is!” and I don’t, and they don’t tell me, I hang up. Period. I did that to one of my great-uncles once.
Sorry, Uncle Bob, you had a chance.

235. What are your favorite games to play?

Anything that involves thinking. I don’t like games of chance, like Yatzee. No skills involved at all. We
have annual Trivial Pursuit marathons every Thanksgiving, and it’s become quite the grudge match
between me and my MiL. When she won several years back, she made herself a button that said “Trivial
Pursuit Champ” and innocently (yet SMUGLY!) wore it at methe next time I saw her. I kicked her ass last
year, though. *cracking knuckles*

236. Are you quick to judge something as stupid just because you don't understand it?

No. This is one of those ways that I consciously rebelled against my mom. She’s very vocal about “What
the hell is THAT? That’s asinine! That’s just wrong!” sometimes. I’d rather struggle to understand it,
even if I don’t like it. Which is why I actually look at post-modern art.

237. Are you obnoxious to others?

Not usually. Obnoxious people are one of my pet peeves. I’m sure there have been incidents, but they’re
few and far between, and I gotta be hardcore provoked first.
238. Do you feel superior to anyone?

Yes.

239. Shouldn't people take a good look at themselves before they criticize others?

Obviously. But “criticism” has such negative connotations. It doesn’t necessarily mean the butt-pipe at
work who spends all day bitching about what so-and-so is wearing and who’s-it is doing. It’s more about
the necessity of analyzing and evaluating information and really reflecting upon the meaning of things
instead of just accepting something as true.

240. Do you apologize too often?

I’m sorry, what did you ask…?

That’s another one of my Bad Habits… apologizing for everything. Even stuff that I have no reason to be
apologizing for. One of the first phrases I learn in another language when I travel is “I’m sorry.”

241. What files have you recently downloaded?

Several articles from JStor, a bunch of music onto the iPod, Sugie’s band’s two new songs, a snippet of
Robbie Williams, naked.

242. What about you is heroic?

My ability to survive, particularly my childhood, and come out intact. “Heroic” doesn’t mean “hero”
though. That word’s thrown around WAY too lightly these days.

243. What is your first memory?

Waking up in the middle of the night with a creepy feeling that everything was terrifyingly wrong. I was
about 3. I also remember when Sugie was born, which must’ve been around the same time. The two
aren’t related, though. But if they were, it’d explain a lot!

244. What was your favorite toy?

My Barbies, obviously.

245. What was your favorite game?

I was big on pretend-games. It usually depended on what I’d been reading. Sometimes I’d pretend that
the clump of bushes in the back yard was an island, and I was like Karana in Island of the Blue Dolphins.
Other times I’d pretend I was an orphan who’d ran away from home and had to build a place to live in
the “wilderness.” Or I was a younger Princess Leia, escaping the Death Star. Or I was Annie Oakley,
hunting in the woods to support my poor family. That sort of thing.

246. Any non-family member adults stick out in your mind? Who were they, and how did you know
them? Why do they stick out?

Aw, Mrs. Crickmore, of course! She was my brother’s preschool teacher, a frumpy, fat, frowzy old
woman who always wore the same purple dress every day. What a nasty, cantankerous old bag! She ran
a daycare out of the home, and fixed things like rice with crushed up potato chips and ketchup for
everyone’s lunch. One summer, when Mom was working, Mrs. Crickmore “babysat” me (even though I
was 7 years old) along with Sugie. It pissed me off that she had a cat who she kept in a small cage all the
time. She wouldn’t let anyone bring their own lunches, so you were stuck with the cold-macaroni-and-
ketchup stuff she provided. And on my birthday, my mom sent with me enough cupcakes for each of the
kids (maybe twenty) to have at LEAST one; Mrs. Crickmore cut them into quarters and served them, and
ate the rest during the daily 2-hour naptime. You weren’t allowed to use the bathroom except during
certain times, and then it was a big room with two toilets and no door, and all the boys would line up at
one and the girls at another with their pants down.

You can see why we named my most villainous Barbie after Mrs. Crickmore, can’t you?

247. Who was your best friend when you were growing up?

I didn’t really have many friends as a child. There were friends-of-family friends who I’d grown up with
and played with. I had a short-term “best friend” in 4 th grade, Kim. She was the one who I saw working
at some store years later. She used to pretend to like me, and then would tell the other kids all the
weird things I did, like making up disco dances with the plans to audition for “The Gong Show,” or
blindfolding myself one day to pretend I was Helen Keller. I stopped being friends with her when I
realized she was doing this, when I realized that someone who did that wasn’t really a friend. I didn’t
exactly attract the best kind of people when I was younger. My weirdness might’ve had something to do
with that, though. Gee.

248. What is your fondest childhood memory?

Making the choral ensemble in 8 th grade. It was a singing group of about 20 girls, and you had to
audition, and I’d tried in 7 th grade and not made it, and practiced so hard for the following year and
summer…. That was the first time Big Loser Me had accomplished anything of merit.

249. What is your worst childhood memory?

Pretty much anything to do with The Stepfathers. I was a sad, terrified, insecure and weak child. I was
easy prey for their shit. Stepfather 1, in particular, had some pretty violent episodes.

250. What do you look like?

Spectacularly average and overweight.

251. How do you dress most of the time?

Professional-funky, I guess. I like things in weird combinations and colors. I’m pissed that “boho” has
become a trend, because I’ve been rockin’ the vintage stuff and hippy drag for years. I like combining
odd things, like a tailored jacket with a hippy shirt, or a couple stripey patterns at once, or an expensive
silk shirt with cheap sneakers, or a spectacular hat. My wardrobe usually revolves around t-
shirts/jackets/jeans/Converse sneaks. However, when I’m teaching, I dress much more conservatively:
black suits, white shirts, very austere.

252. How do you "dress up?"

A lot of black and sparkly jewelry.

253. How do you "dress down?"

When I’m at home studying, I have a whole wardrobe of weird t-shirts and comfy yoga pants. Although I
recently acquired some new favorite at-home-wear! Yes, I actually do flounce around here in bloomers,
a chemise and a petticoat. I rule!

254. What do you wear when you go to sleep?

I’m a wafty white nightgown type of girl. If I’m sleeping by myself, I bundle up in flannel jammies to stay
warm. I also like pj-bottoms and fitted t-shirts or tank tops in colors and patterns I’d normally never
wear out in public.

255. Do you wear any jewelry?

My wedding ring, and, if I’m going out, usually earrings and necklaces. I love combining them like I do
my clothes… in weird combos, with lots of vintage pieces.

I recently received a diamond ring and strand of pearls that Strega Nona had willed to me a dozen years
ago; My Dumb Dad tried to keep from me as, like, ransom, so’s I would call him and “earn” them by
begging him and having a relationship with him, but Sugie pointed out that he wasn’t honoring his
mother’s wishes, which was ironic since Daddy bangs on about how IMPORTANT family is, and finally
browbeat Dumb Dad into giving them to Sugie, who, in turn, finally gave them to me. In fact, I’ve only
had the ring for a month or so. The last time Sugie saw Dumb Dad, Dad was whining again about how
broke and pathetic he is, and showed Sugie a bag of coins and jewelry that he thought he was going to
have to pawn. Sugie saw a diamond ring in there, and asked “What’s that?” “That was your
grandmother’s.” “That’s not yours, it’s Dwanollah’s,” Sugie said. “Well, it’d be nice if she’d call me and
ask me for it-” Daddy started to whine, but Sugie pocketed the ring and said “It’s not for you to decide,
and it’s not yours to sell.” I wear the ring often, and the pearls on special occasions. The nicest thing is
now these pieces are gifts from my brother and have more special meaning than Strega Nona/My Dumb
Dad.

And I recently bought myself a ring. I’d seen a picture of an interesting looking ring in a magazine, and
looked up the jeweler, and saw another ring that I reacted to with an uncharacteristic, breathless, “That
is so … me!” When I discovered that the jewelry store was only a few blocks away from our house, I
stopped in on one of my walks to check it out. And came out less than fifteen minutes as the proud
owner of a moonstone and sapphire ring (Cancer, Virgo rising). Plus a pair of moonstone earrings. I’d
NEVER done anything like THAT before!

256. In your opinion, what is your best feature?

My eyebrows.

257. What one word best describes you?

Weird.

258. Do you believe that you have a strong personality?

Yeah. I’ve been told I do.

259. When Jesus saves souls...does he trade them in for valuable prizes?

No, but the televangelists do.

260. Do you feel like time is on your side or working against you?

It often feels like a constant battle to get done what I want/need to get done, to get to the next point, to
reach the next goal. But I don’t want to ever feel like I’m “done.”

261. What do you do for yourself when you are down to put a little joy back into your life?

Blast great music. Sing. Play, either by myself, with THTM, or with friends. Re-read books I love.

262. How much Tolkien have you read?

The three Lord of the Rings books, and The Hobbit.

263. Do you believe that Jesus existed as a real person?

Yes.

264. Do you believe he was the Son of God?

Yes.

265. What sentence have you heard lately that would sound pretty odd out of context?

“Would you like to make a little boy very happy?”

266. Name one thing that turns your stomach.

Hawking loogies. It gives me the heebies just to think about it.

267. If you had to choose one image to be a symbol of our times, what would you pick?

A giant middle finger sticking up. Or a Big Mac. Same thing.

268. What causes you to panic?

Venturing into The Unknown, or doing something that feels like a huge risk.

269. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?

No. Unless "I'd've died if I hadn't sought immediate medical treatment" counts. Then, yes.

270. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?

Dinner.

271. How many TVs are in your house?

Just one. That’s more than enough. As I’ve mentioned before, I hate it when homes have a telly in every
room, or a telly in the bedroom. That sucks.

272. What is your favorite thing to do outside?

Bask.

273. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?

Lucky.

274. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?

Yeah, I’ve had a couple great experiences. One showed me where my lifeline was forked; my life almost
went one way, but ended up going in another. Plus, Gram is psychic (although she’s really downplayed it
in the last decade or so), and often just knows things that she shouldn’t have any way of knowing. She
used to read our tea leaves whenever we’d go for Chinese food. I wish she still would; it was so
awesomely fun!

Me and a bunch of friends from the bookstore where I used to work used to have what we called
jokingly Pagan Tea Parties. One friend could read auras and cards. I can read tarot if it’s major arcana
only. And I have other stuff… psychcards and transreference cards that are fun – and revealing. I can’t
do readings on myself, though.

275. What is your idea of paradise?

Earthly paradise, or actual heaven-paradise? I expect heaven-paradise to be filled with love and loved
ones, finally knowing/understanding everything, and feeling the overwhelming and indescribable
presence of God’s love. Earthly paradise would be me and The Husband-Type Man on a private island
with no Internet, no phones, a big stack of books, a fully-stocked kitchen, SPF 45, a massage chair, and
pizza delivery.

276. Do you believe in God and if so what is he/she/it like?

Yes. Pure love. Love beyond what we as humans can imagine.

277. Do you believe in Hell?

Yes.

278. What one thing have you done that most people haven't?

Safari-ing in Namibia, where we hiked to watering holes at night to watch elephant herds, followed
giraffes across the plains, found a pride of lions with cubs under a grove of trees, and visited a cheetah
preserve. Amongst other things. That was life-altering.

279. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?

I don’t know. I’m not a naturally altruistic person; I’m too suspicious of others and protective of myself.
But I try to do things for family and friends, both just in the “being there” sense as well as others. I
budgeted an “allowance” for Gram’s house, so she never needs to worry if she needs work on the
plumbing or to paint or anything. We did the same thing for THTM’s folks. It makes me feel so lucky to
be able to spring for someone’s airline ticket. I took Mom to Ireland and got her health insurance, and
Sugie and I bought her a car. We split the cost of a house in Boston with Sugie as a financial investment.
We gave Bro-in-Law our old car. I like knowing that I can take care of the ones I love, after they took care
of me for so long. But one could argue that that’s not pure “kindness.” My therapist disputes this, so I
guess I still have some work to do on that attitude.

280. What holiday should exist but doesn't?

Something non-religious to celebrate coming-of-age for both boys and girls. Like a Quinceañera. Not at
all like a “purity ball.”

281. What holiday shouldn't exist but does?

Valentine’s Day.

282. What's the best joke you ever heard?

"What do you call a fish without eyes?” “FSH!”

283. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?

Tokyo . Between the Harajuku district, the toy stores, the gardens, the restaurants, and the karaoke
place we ended up at on our last night, all drunk… dang, that was awfully fun!

284. Is your hair natural or dyed?

Natural. I tried highlights once, but it was too much hassle. I’m thinking about taking the plunge again,
though.

285. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?

Very up front, especially after I outed all the molestation from my childhood. Plus I stopped apologizing
for everything about me that was “weird” or “different.” Hence, Blathers on my site about my Barbies
and teen poo books and stuff.

286. What is under your bed right now?

Maybe a stray book from the stack by my side of the bed. I should go look….

Yep, indeed, a book by Jean Webster called Just Patty (hardcover, early 1900s), and my eye drops, which
had fallen off the nightstand.

287. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?

I wouldn’t turn down the adventure of Oz, but eventually, I’d want to go home. I’m a Cancer… I like
home. As long as home wasn’t Kansas. That sucked.

288. If you drive do you frequently speed?

Yup. Only if the road’s open, though. I don’t race people, tailgate and flash my lights, or weave in and
out of traffic.

289. What is the world's best song to dance to?

The ear-cracky goodness of that Kylie Minouge/New Order mash-up, “I Can’t Get Blue Monday Out of
My Head.”

290. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?

The Devils, “World Exclusive.” That may actually be the world’s best song to dance to, now that I think
about it….
291. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?

Neither. It’s that whole Corporate Megalomaniac Pig Dog thing.

292. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?

Meerkats.

293. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?

I am in the Victorian Child sense… very dreamy and fanciful.

294. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?

Wouldn’t we all be crushed into the ground by force of gravity or something?

295. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to
do it?

Go to school. I’ve already had to make a bunch of sacrifices: moving, buying/selling a house, working
summers, being away summers, not to mention the average things – like hanging out with friends,
taking a trip or going to a show – that I often skip because of schoolwork. But if I didn’t love it, I wouldn’t
do it. No shit.

296. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone
had to lose, what would you pick?

I’ll go for the obvious right to bear arms. That’d really fuck up the military, too, wouldn’t it (she asked
gleefully)?

297. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole?

Equator, I guess. Even though I hate hot weather, the North Pole is too isolated. Even for me. And after
Iceland, I know I couldn’t handle the fucked-up daylight/nighttime thing.

298. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?

Watching television, easy. I can’t live without music.

299. What do you think makes someone a hero?

Truly selfless and courageous acts, above and beyond basic human nature.

300. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?

The slashy Nick-John one, Fake!

301. What was the last thing you paid for?

I stopped at Bristol Farms on the way home from school and picked up some fruit, a filet, a cinnamon
roll, some crème frâiche, and a few other odds and ends for my Self-Indulgent Weekend.

302. Are you a coupon clipper?

No. I tried for a while, but it was always for stuff I wouldn’t normally buy, so where’s the savings? I'd
rather save the time, thank you.

303. Get anything good in the mail recently?

Always! Between amazon.com and the clothes shopping I do online (because I hate shopping-shopping),
there’s usually something new and fun here once a week. Every time I get a box or boxes in the mail,
THTM announces “It’s Krimma!” I just got a critical book on Harriet Beecher Stowe, a paperback copy of
the first Little Colonel book, a gray beaded cashmere sweater from an online store called Newport News,
a whole bunch of fall stuff from Bloomingdale’s online, and a pair of pants from Macy’s online that don’t
fit, so I’ll have to send them back. THTM got me a bunch of treats, too. And I got a big box of stuff for
mine and Parlance’s Audience Participation Showgirls party from Oriental Trading Company.

304. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?

Dancing. Duh. Karate second.

305. Do you follow the Chinese zodiac ?

I know the signs, but don’t really know much outside of my own and THTM’s: we’re both dogs: “The Dog
will never let you down. Born under this sign you are honest, and faithful to those you love. You are
plagued by constant worry, a sharp tongue, and a tendency to be a fault finder, however.” Yep, that fits.

306. Do you like reggae music?

No. I can handle small amounts of Bob Marley on a hot summer day, but that’s about it.

307. What makes your life worth it every day?

The journey.

308. Do you seize each day and sink your teeth into it?

Almost always.

309. Who decides what behavior is 'crazy' or 'sane'?

I do.

310. Who are the most inspiring artists, musicians, poets, and writers?

The ones who changed their genres. Poetry was forever different after e. e. cummings and Emily
Dickinson. Fiction was forever different after Virginia Woolf and James Joyce. Music was forever
different after The Beatles, Janis Joplin, Beethoven and Billie Holiday. Art was forever different after Van
Gogh and Matisse and Cassatt.

311. Did anything historically significant happen in the year you were born?

The Kent State shootings. Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix died and The Beatles broke up. And there was
lots of Vietnam stuff going on.

312. Besides blowing out birthday candles when do you make wishes?
Stars, eyelashes, throwing coins in fountains.

313. Is it better to be wanted or needed?

Wanted. Being needed creates obligation, which isn’t always good.

314. At what age do you feel it is an appropriate to lose one’s virginity ?

Depends on the person, of course, but generally, at least 18. I regret losing mine at 16. Sex and high
school don’t make a good combination, and plus, I’m pissed I capitulated on something that was
important to me. Some people should wait until they’re much older and more mature, though. I don't
know of anyone who says "Man, I wish I'd lost mine sooner!"

315. Do you feel that the appropriate age for girls and for boys is different?

No.

316. Are you a hard person to get to know?

No, not consciously.

317. What is the craziest thing you have ever done out of anger?

Threw a telephone into the wall. I’d just been dumped by DumbAss, and, for the first time, I called a
friend because I was hurting and needed to talk to someone. My charming ex-best friend, The
Sycophant, told me how selfish and evil I was for being upset, berated me for not remembering that she
was diabetic and going blind (again), and that she and our other best friend/my then-roommate hated
me. (And then, when I got upset and started crying, she recorded me and then called DumbAss and my
roommate and played it for them… which is a super-nice thing for a friend to do… fucking your friend’s
ex mere days/weeks later notwithstanding.) I was hysterical when I finally hung up on her, and then
yanked the phone out of the wall and heaved it across the room. Her deliberate cruelty, dishonesty and
selfishness was beyond the pale.

Luckily, she got what she deserved for it: she got DumbAss.

318. What's the MOST annoying sound you can think of?

Screaming kids.

319. What's the silliest vegetable you can think of?

Kohlrabi

320. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No. You need to know someone to truly love them.

321. What do you see when you turn out the light?

Whatever my imagination feels like conjuring up. When I was little, I used to see a nightly repertoire of
dancing pinpoint lights in various colors and patterns.

322. Do you like jazz, blues and/or swing music?

All of the above. I’ve got quite a stash.

323. Do you prefer gold or silver jewelry?

Silver or platinum.

324. In what ways do you want your children to be like you?

Ambitious, intellectually curious, open-minded, liberal.

325. In what ways would you want your children to be different from you?

I wouldn’t want them to be passive, weak or easily cowed, or unquestioningly traditional in terms of
gender.

326. What was the scariest movie you've ever seen?

Poltergeist . In the theatres. Which should tell you how long it’s been since I’ve seen a scary movie. I get
easily freaked out, and don’t enjoy being scared in the least, so add “scary” to “movie” and there’s
something I have no interest in whatsoever. For, like, fifteen YEARS after that movie, I couldn’t sleep
with my closet door open. *shudder* So yeah, I’m sure Silence of the Lambs is a great film and all, but I
won’t be watching it.

327. What was the funniest movie you've ever seen?

Waiting for Guffman. Saturday Night Fever. The Jerk. Deconstructing Harry. Office Space. This is Spinal
Tap. Airplane!

328. What was the worst movie you've ever seen?

The Grinch , and the three latest Star Wars movies.

329. What is one question that no one can ever truthfully answer 'yes' to?

“Am I a truly good/unselfish person?”

330. Is there more to this world than human beings can perceive?

If anyone thinks there isn’t, they are retarded.

331. If matter is neither created nor destroyed then is it possible that you are made up of molecules
that once made up Gandhi or Jesus or Einstein?

Or Hitler or Pol Pot or- We always carry with us, in some way, literally as well as figuratively, the seeds of
our past. Of course, we’re more than “this crude matter,” to get all Yoda on y’all’s asses.

332. Some say that high school is the best time of your life. Was that true for you?

No, but I thought it was supposed to be. I had an asshole stepfather telling me everything I did was
wrong, and I’d just come from an exalted elementary school and Jr. Hi. career as the Class Loser. So,
using my mom’s stories and my collection of YA paperbacks/Sweet Valley High and my knowledge of
girls on TV and what everyone said, I set out to have the Bestest High School Life EVER! At Hypocrite
High (with a student body of 98), I was a cheerleader. I was one-half of “Cutest Couple!!!” I worked on
the school paper and made ASB and spent an hour every morning with makeup and hot rollers and was
active and involved and bright and bubbly and perfect and-

Funny. That wasn’t the magical formula.

It wasn’t the worst time in my life, but it sure wasn’t the best, either. I wasn’t me yet.

333. What do you find yourself encouraging others to try ?

Getting a fucking education.

334. Which is better: Mel Brooks or Woody Allen?

Woody Allen. A shame he’s such a deplorable human being, but innit that the case with many of our
artistic genius folks?

335. When was the last time you were up all night?

When we flew to Tokyo. Our flight left at 1AM, and we had to connect through Houston, so it was all
honked up for 24 hours.

336. Are people too complex and different to be categorized?

No. I’ll happily make some sweeping generalizations.

337. What fictional story would you like to live through?

The Secret Garden.

338. Are cats or dogs smarter?

Who cares? Cats are better!

339. Have you ever guessed someone's password and broken into their diary?

No. I wouldn’t bother trying, either. That’s just beyond shitty.

340. What teacher, if any, has affected you the most in your life?

I’ve been fortunate enough to have had several… two in community college, one in university, and two
in grad school. Including my mentor. I’m still in touch with several of them.

341. Are you more easily bored or excited?

Excited. Life is pretty exciting, it turns out!

342. What's the bravest or most daring thing you have ever done?

Started over.

343. What do you do only when you are upset?

Shake uncontrollably and cry. When I’m REALLY pissed off, I cry. I hate that… it’s like others use that as a
reason to negate your feelings, and it goes in with that whole “hysterical, emotional female” b.s. But,
there you go.
344. What's the oddest CD in your collection?

Okay, considering my CD collection…? Well, if we limit it to only actual, physical CDs and not mp3s… I
have one that’s all garage bands from Japan in the 60s. I have one called “Hot Nuts and Lollipops” that’s
all dirty/sex blues songs from the 1920s. I have a CD of French 60s girl bands. I have about a dozen of
French cabaret music from the 1920s. I have more obscure German and Japanese electronica than I can
count. I have a Rudy Ray Moore Christmas album called “This Ain’t No White Christmas.” I have three
different CDs of Laura Ingalls Wilder music. I have one of all bad synthesizer Muzak of The Beatles.

345. What's the best diary name you ever saw?

I don’t read any diaries except for a couple friends’, so, sorry, Parlance, but I’ll have to go with Milla’s
“But I Digress….”

346. What would your friends be surprised to learn about you?

That, for, like, years, I wanted my hair to look just like the girl in the “Sister Christian” video.

347. Who owes you an apology?

A couple people, like My Dumb Dad, but my life doesn’t hinge on waiting for that to happen. It wouldn’t
make a difference if it did.

348. Who deserves an apology from you?

The ex-friend I sent the nasty letter to. That was the last time I ever deliberately tried to hurt someone,
and I’m still sorry for it.

349. Who would you like to receive a thank-you card from?

Some of my former students.

350. Who would you send a thank-you card to?

Whoever invented Rice Krispies Treats.

351. Which do you like best: 60's, 70's or 80's fashion?

It ain’t 70s, that’s for damned sure! Actually, 60s, because a lot of what I liked from the 80s revisited 60s
fashions. Plus the 60s had hippie stuff.

352. What is the worst pick up line ever used on you?

There were a couple, and both involved the cretins leering at my breasts. And then there was the skeezy
guy who kept coming into the bookstore where I worked and inviting me out for coffee so I could “read
his manuscript.” “No” didn’t seem to faze him, nor even, “Sorry, but I don’t have time to read
manuscripts, and if I did, I’d be working on my own.” My manager finally had to tell him to quit bugging
me. The most recent was a completely drunk guy outside the concert who started walking around me,
looking me up and down and making “uh HUH” sounds before announcing “I like me the big wimmins.”

And I turned to my friends and said, “Kill me. Now.” (Although, admittedly, "I like me the big wimmins"
has turned into quite the fun catchphrase!)
353. Do you own a record player? Do you use it?

Yes and yes. Medusa has a regular turntable, but I also have an old scratchy one for playing my grotty
old albums I stole from Gram. I usually crank it up at Christmas, ‘cos I have some spectacular Krimma
records.

354. How easily do you make friends?

Now that I trust my instincts and first impressions? Very easily.

355. What is the difference between having character and being a character?

Being yourself for you, versus performance for others.

356. Are there any animals you flat out refuse to touch?

I’m not fond of touching snakes or other creepy-crawlies.

357. Have you ever wanted to date twins?

That may be one of the stupidest questions ever.

358. What one thing would you change about high school if you could ?

Its existence. Instead, everyone would have to go to pre-college tutorial sessions, various self-esteem
building courses, and work together in small groups and in a variety of career-oriented part time jobs
until they went to college.

359. If you came with a warning label, what would it say?

This Windows version not support.

360. Are you artistic and creative?

In minor ways. I have a good eye for putting stuff together, i.e. Foofing. I’m good at combining things, be
it foods or music playlists or just a bunch of stuff on a tabletop. I love to write fiction, but am hopeless
when it comes to plot. I’m useless with things like poetry. I can’t draw anything; even my stick figures
are all unintentionally well-endowed men.

361. What were you (probably) doing on this date last year?

Studying for class.

362. What are you obsessed with?

Right now, it’s with collecting/reading certain books… mostly turn-of-the-century girls’ series. See the
aforementioned Jean Webster. I’ve also recently gone on a music-from-the-Rum-Runner-era-of-Duran-
Duran tear, and am listening to stuff like Japan and Ultravox and YMO in new contexts, as well as some
new (for me) stuff like Eno and Lilac Time.

363. What was the last compliment you received ?

The Husband-Type Man told me he loved my smile and sparkly eyes today. He gives the best
compliments… they’re so heartfelt and sincere. He often gives me deliberately weird ones, though, too.
Recently he said “You have the greatest laugh. It’s like it’s galloping.” Another was, “You’re eyebrows
are awesome. They’re like little caterpillars, except they don’t crawl.” Or “You have root-beer-float eyes.
Except instead of vanilla ice cream floating in root beer, it’s root beer floating in vanilla ice cream.”

364. Do you push people away when you really want them to come closer ?

No, I got over that many, many years ago.

365. Is a prenuptial agreement necessary or does it take the romance and trust out of marriage?

Depends on the people involved. I wanted to make sure The Husband-Type Man wouldn’t get stuck with
the student loans I’d taken out before we got hitched. In many cases, it may involve more trust to have a
prenup.

366. Do you lie your way out of things?

No, and I’d feel horrifically guilty if I did. Even so-called “white lies.” Hell, I can’t even lie to myself, even
to rationalize crap! It’s a damned good thing I wasn’t raised Catholic; the general Christian guilt I feel
over stuff is bad enough.

367. What's the worst thing one of your siblings ever did to you? What's the worst thing you've done
to one of your siblings?

Sugie and I used to beat the shit out of each other when we were kids. He’d lock me in a room or chase
me with a butcher knife. I’d scratch him with my nails or lock him out of the house. We hated each
other.

368. How old were you when you went on your first date?

Almost 16. And, how prophetic… it was with DumbAss, and he took me to a record store, a movie, and a
fast-food place.

369. It is common for one's view of authority to develop in their adolescent years. What is your view
of authority, and what event most affected it?

That was when I started questioning it. Of course, I had Stepfather Two around, who was intent on being
100% right, 100% of the time, and there was no room for anyone else’s viewpoint. To heck with Ophelia;
try Reviving Dwanollah!

370. What "clique" did you best fit in with in high school?

Hypocrite High didn’t really have cliques in the typical sense, but I was friends mostly with the kids who
were into New Wave music… you know, MTV and Star Hits magazine and black rubber bracelets… but
nothing hardcore. HHS pretty much had the “bible kids” clique (who prayed together a lot and listened
to Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith), the “anti-bible kids” clique (whose parents had sent them to HHS,
and listened to death metal), and the rest of us.

371. What were your high school goals?

To be a marriage counselor or maybe a high school guidance counselor, and to marry DumbAss and live
happily ever after, by which I would prove that I was responsible, mature and successful. I remember at
one point in 9 th grade, I even thought I wanted 4 kids! And when I got really daring, I decided I wanted
to write YA fiction. Goals like “go away to college” or “travel” or “publish literary criticism” or pretty
much anything unconventional weren’t even on my radar screen at the time.

372. Who was your idol when you were growing up? Who did you first fantasize about in your life?

Like, hardcore crush? That’d be My Boyfriend, Simon Le Bon. I knew in my heart of hearts, despite my
having waited chastely for him until I was 15, he’d never fall in love with me and marry me. *sniffle* But
my love of analyzing his lyrics is what eventually led to my career. See what happens when a 14-year-old
Jung-obsessed bookworm gets hold of “a dialogue between the ego and the alter-ego” or “ Union of the
Snake”?

373. What is your favorite memory from adolescence?

The nights and summer days I’d spend writing, with what I then deemed “mellow session” music on my
stereo. Or 9 th grade dances, maybe.

374. What is your worst memory from adolescence?

Well, there’s all of Jr. Hi. Or Stepfather Two. But, for single, isolated incidents, it was DumbAss’s mother
calling me to scream at me about what trash I was and that I was going to get pregnant and ruin her
son’s life. Which is awfully funny, considering how things turned out and the numerous phone calls she
made to me after he and I split up.

375. Do you have a job? What is it? Do you like it? If no job, where does your money come from?

I’m a full-time grad student, but I’ve also Professed, and will do so again next year. I love my work,
obviously, because one doesn’t get into this field if one wants to make a buttload of money at it. Other
than grants and loans and stipends this year, which is how most students survive financially, I have a
bunch of stocks and investments that provides my income. So does THTM. We both bought stocks and
stock options and whatnot over five years ago, making several financial/logistical sacrifices to do so
(including me deferring admission to an East Coast Ph.D. program), and, when the company sold last
year, we ended up with… well, an embarrassingly hefty earn-out. Thanks to careful budgeting and
THTM’s geekiness with stocks and commodities trading, neither of us should have to work for the next
thirty or forty years. And after our individual, poverty-tinged childhoods, that’s a fucking amazing
feeling.

376. What is something you had to learn that you hated?

In my field? Semiotic criticism. I hate it. Hate hate hate! At best, it makes me feel stupid, and at worst, it
drains all the life out of literature for me.

377. Do you tend to save or spend your money? Why?

For the first years we were married, I rarely bought anything. I’m horrible with money, can’t balance a
checkbook to save my life, and am hopeless at figuring out percentages, or even how much to leave for
a tip. Money is also a very emotional issue for me, dating back to childhood; I fear having it, I fear losing
it, I fear managing it, the works. When we both were working and had more income, though, I had a few
spending sprees. We both did, individually and together, although we never ever EVER got into financial
binds or spent more than we were earning (which is where the “emotional issue dating back to
childhood” money stuff comes from). We can kiss off money at a Foof Store or on music or books in a
frighteningly short amount of time. We had to have a careful budget, though: only $____ this month,
only $____ this year on ____, so I could keep careful track. Now, though? We both go hog-wild, as long
as we’re always saving/earning more than we spend. But after years of eating Top Raman and wearing
$5 sweatshirts from Ross Dress for Less, being nouveaux riches is awfully fun.

378. What hobbies do you have?

Reading, writing, Foofing, music. Experimenting with food and trying new cuisines. I often do short-term
studies on various subjects, too… like getting deeply into 60s political hippie music, or reading
everything by Elaine Showalter, or researching Edwardian fashion or Great War-era paintings. I putter
around in the garden, pruning and drying herbs. I comb antique stores or junk shops or flea markets for
old postcards and photographs and make vaguely-subversive collages of things. I refinish small pieces of
furniture. I throw parties. I write some more.

379. Who is your closest friend? Describe them and how you relate to them.

I’m kind of amazed and taken aback to realize that I don’t have one “closest” friend… right now, I can
think of over a dozen“closest” friends, each of whom is so special and unique. Weird for the girl who,
throughout childhood, usually didn’t have a “best” friend, and, during adolescence, had a few “best
friends” who treated me like shit (which certainly wasn’t how I treated them). As an adult, I have
numerous “best friends” I treasure. There’s Number One, who I’ve known the longest, and who was the
first friend I could be wholly open and honest with. We talked about everything under the sun, and
encouraged and rah-rahed each other through some tough and scary times. O Nancy My Nancy and I
have been friends for over twelve years; we bonded because we were both young women who intended
to marry our high-school boyfriends and, well, there but for the grace of God…. She’s one of the most
brilliant people I know; when I say I admire people who are intellectually curious, she’s the poster child.
She’s got so many interests and is knowledgeable about such a variety of things. She looks very sweet
and innocent in person, but has an absolutely wicked sense of humor… but we also can and have cried
all over each other when shit has happened. There’re The Chix; most of us have been friends for close to
a dozen years as well. Again, brilliant women… determined, resilient, supportive beyond belief,
successful. We have loud feminist debates or disagree politically, but, bottom line, we love, respect and
trust each other. Between daily emails, phone calls, and visits, even if one or the other of us gets
wrapped up in other stuff, we’re still <cliché mode> there for each other.</cm> There’s Parlance, who
(again) is brilliant (you sensing a theme with my friends here?), talented, and hysterically funny. When
we hang out, we usually end up howling with laughter over something or another, but we also can go to
lectures or film screenings and debate various issues, and rely on each other during emergencies. We’ve
only known each other for five years or so, and it feels kinda like we grew up together. And even Bobby,
the Slacker Hacker…. For all his Attention Whore act, if either of us really needs anything, the other
fawns and fusses all over them. We can tease each other freely, but take each other seriously, too.

After spending the first twenty-odd years of my life with a few friends who constantly put me down,
used me, and told me how stupid and/or selfish I was for, you know, wanting to actually be treated like
a friend by them, my network of “best friends” is one of the greatest joys and comforts. They aren’t
going to constantly berate me in order to make themselves feel better or do other things that, simply
put, friends just don’t do to each other. I know that if I need anything – anything – I can call or email any
of these friends, and they won’t berate me for being stupid or tell me I suck… they’ll listen, offer advice
when needed, and just plain be there. And they know I’d do anything at any given moment for them, as
well. We’ve seen it in action more times than one could count over the last dozen years.

380. What bands do you like? Do you even pay attention?

Gee.

381. Read any good books? What were they?

Well, no shit. I’ve been reading a lot of critical studies on the Restoration, which, while not “good,” are
certainly thought-provoking. I just re-read Uncle Tom’s Cabin, which I hate for a number of reasons. Hm.
What WAS the last truly good book I read…? Must’ve been something last summer, on the Chocolate
Duran Tour. Oh, I know! It was Women of the Left Bank: Paris, 1900-1940.

382. What do you watch on the television?

Not much. My TiVo’s set for a few things. MXC. Monster House. The Daily Show. 90210 reruns. Every
month or so, I’ll have a veg-in-front-of-the-telly night if school’s been particularly brutal and I just need
to wind down.

383. When it comes to politics, do you care? If so, which way do you tend to vote? If not, why don't
you care?

I care, but I’m currently so frustrated and angry that I can’t even bear to hear the news. I vote way left.
FUCK the conservative right! Hell, fuck everyone!

384. What type of places do you hang out in with your friends?

Good restaurants, weird restaurants, Chinatown, concerts, coffee houses, our pads.

385. What would be the perfect gift for you?

Anything heartfelt. That’s one of the best things about The Husband-Type Man’s gifts. He doesn’t get me
a gold chain or ring or a bouquet of carnations or red roses because that’s what women
like/want/expect, or just ask me what I want and then buy it for me…. Instead, he finds wonky and weird
things, special things, things that show he knows me and loves me, be it a goldfish, a piece of antique
jewelry, or a collection of strange toys and trinkets. He thinks, makes an effort, and shows me he loves
me with his gifts.

386. What's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

The first time we rounded a corner in Florence and saw the Duomo, in person, it just floored us. We
actually both staggered to a stop and gasped out loud. But there are other things, like when THTM grins
at me with absolute joy and delight, or when The Kidlet comes running to me for a hug, or even just
when I see a group of friends and/or family, people I love, together and having fun.

387. What time of day is your favorite?

Sunrise and sunset. Times of transition and movement.

388. What's your favorite animal? Why?

I’m a cat person. See, dogs’ll usually slob over anyone, but when a cat deigns to love you, that’s
something you’ve earned! Cats’re more dignified. Plus, purring kitties are the bestest.

389. Do you have any pets? Do you want any pets? What kind?

No, after Mouse died, neither one of us have wanted another pet. I’ve lately had cravings for a cat, but
with as much travel as we do, a pet just isn’t realistic.

390. What do you find most relaxing? (Not as in stress relief, but as something that actually calms you
down.)

Having my feet rubbed. Baths. Listening to certain music. The sound of the ocean. Talking things out.
Naps. Cuddles.

391. What habit that others have annoys you most?

It’s incredibly annoying when someone has to be constantly talking, even if there’s no one to talk to. You
know, like, you’re browsing a bookstore, and there’s this person next to you who has to keep up a
running dialogue – “Hm, what’s this? This looks good. Wow, he has another book out? I’ll bet this one’s
dumb” – and usually you can tell there’s this puppy-dog-like hope that you’re going to respond or
acknowledge their comments so they can jaw your ear off. I had a co-worker once who was big on lots
of deep sighs and saying “Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy,” waiting to be asked what was wrong or what was up,
so he could launch into another 20-minute conversation about nothing. Too needy, thank you.

Actually, most habits that have to do with talking – talking too loudly to friends and/or talking on cell
phones, babbling loudly on a quiet train or subway, talking constantly during a show or movie – are
annoying.

392. What kinds of things embarrass you? Why?

Appearing stupid. Being in a graduate program both helps (because everyone else has the same anxiety)
and hinders (because you’re STILL worried about appearing stupid)! Noisy bodily functions in public are
also embarrassing. I’m prone to getting the hiccups. Loud ones.

393. What don't you like about yourself?

Insecurity and anxiety.

394. How would you like to look?

Like someone out of a Harrison Fisher/Howard Christy/Charles Dana Gibson illustration.

395. Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or something else? Why?

Straight. Because I am sexually aroused by penises, not breasts and vaginas.

396. Have you ever had a same-sex experience? Who with, what was it like, and how did it go?

No. Again, I’m not sexually aroused by breasts and vaginas. I also don’t think sexual identity is something
to be experimented with, in general. I’m amazed at how many people – again, usually women – are
willing to be talked into lesbian experiences because they think it’s a rite of passage or something they
need to try, even though they know, deep down, they aren’t truly interested in lesbian sex. What man is
talked into “just trying” homosexual experiences in our culture?! (Of course, the women’re usually
“performing” for/men in the first place, out of insecurity, but that’s a topic for my Postfem Blather!)
Sometimes, too, it’s really, really okay to let fantasies remain fantasies!

397. What is your deepest, most well-hidden sexual fantasy? Would you ever try it?

Most of mine are pretty tame, actually… the deserted island sort of thing. And given a deserted island…?
Yeah, I would. I also have some of the standard rape-and-bondage ones, but no, I wouldn’t try those. I’m
aware that some of those prolly stem from sexual abuse, so there’s no need to engage them in real life.

398. What was the wildest thing you've ever done, sexually? Who was it with and when did it
happen?

Well, I’ve mentioned the toys and the light bondage and all that. Strip Monopoly with a whole bunch of
toys was fun. Having sex out on our balcony one night was fun, too. We’ve been to our share of sex
stores, too.

I guess the wildest thing, though, would be impulsively having sex with Boy Wonder. It was spontaneous
stemming from insecurity, completely irresponsible on my part, self-compromising, and a total mistake.

399. Is there any sexual activity that you will not, under any circumstances, do?
Yeah, again, it’s an exit, not entrance. No threesomes or orgies. No cheating. No “open” relationship.
Nothing that would compromise the integrity of our intimacy.

400. What is the perfect romantic date?

Something non-traditionally romantic, relaxing and well-thought-out. Not the “I love sunsets and
romantic walks on the beach” bullshit, because really, doesn’t EVERYONE? “Romantic” doesn’t = this
sort of typical shit. Everyone does the “one red rose” or “a romantic dinner” or “a box of chocolates and
a sexy nightie” crap. Come up with something special and unique and that shows you’ve thought about
the person involved!

This is one of the funnest things, as I’ve mentioned, about THTM: he puts so much thought into stuff
that even a quiet dinner at home can be as romantic as the time he surprise-kidnapped me to Florence
for a long weekend. And part of the fun is that he’s so chuffed with himself for what he’s come up with
this time!

401. Do you ever want to get married and have children? When do you see this happening?

Growing up, I always did. That was what you did, what you worked for, what you wanted most: a
husband and family to love and to love you and to live for. I thought, after my mom’s and dad’s divorces,
that having a lasting marriage and raising children would equal stability and responsibility. After the Boy
Wonder debacle, when faced with the hardcore reality of having children, I realized that there was a
fuck of a lot more involved than some rosy-pink notion of “love.” I suddenly rethought everything I’d
assumed or planned on in terms of marriage and children, and actually was more comfortable with the
thought of NOT marrying.

Then I met THTM, and ate my words about that with a big spoon!

402. What's the worst thing you've done to someone you loved?
Inadvertent disrespect via my actions. Like saying or doing something that hurt their feelings. It’s only
happened a couple times, but still… damn.

403. What did you do for your 21st birthday?

DumbAss’s mother gave me a surprise party, which was completely spoiled for me by several friends, so
I had to pretend I hadn’t “gotten” their not-so-subtle hints and blurted comments and had to act
surprised and all that. And while I was really touched that Mother DumbAss made that effort for me, I
was also well aware that she was doing it based on how it “looked” to others. And, quite typical, there
was DumbAss, not having put forth any effort at all for my birthday, yet taking credit as if he’d done
something amazing and special by his mom having the party for me.

That was the year, if I remember correctly, that he had a new car stereo put in the Pimpmobile, and
then mentioned to me in passing that he was giving me his old stereo because he thought the one in my
car sucked. No, he neither wrapped it, nor had it installed.

Anyway, after the party, a bunch of us went to a club called Confetti’s, where I sipped a drink and
DumbAss bitched about how crappy the DJ was, and HE was totally a better DJ, and how the hell did
such a crappy DJ get to work in a club, until I finally said, “Why don’t you go ASK him?” Which led to
DumbAss striking up an acquaintance with the guy and, a few weeks later, starting to come into the club
during odd hours to DJ himself. Then he got a job there. You’re welcome, DumbAss.

404. How old were you when you first got drunk? What was the experience like?

I got the tipsiest I’ve ever been on our last night in Tokyo, and ended up first record shopping for J.Pop
in Shinjuku, then at the bar from Lost in Translation (where we drank some more), and then, when that
closed, at a karaoke place where I belted out “Stand By Your Man” at 2 in the morning, while THTM and
Geoff played tambourine as backup. (That was after Geoff serenaded us with a traditional Japanese folk
song, and THTM -- accompanied by Geoff on tambourine, natch -- yodeled his way through Nine Inch
Nails' "Starfucker.")

405. Do you drink on any kind of regular basis?

No. I can’t handle my booze at all, and don’t see the fun in being drunk anyway. I mean, if you need the
crutch of “getting buzzed” all the time in social situations, that ain’t mentally healthy. I’ve never actually
been drunk… just tipsy about a half-dozen times. Plus, when one takes Zoloft, alcohol ain’t the best thing
for you.

406. What kind of alcohol do you prefer?

Good red wines, or clear stuff like vodka.

407. Have you ever tried any other kind of "mood altering" substance? Which one(s)? What did you
think of each?

I’ve been so firmly against anything of the sort – and generally have bad reactions to stuff like codeine –
that I’d never done any drug stronger than a prescription Ambien. But the last time I went to the dentist
and had to have a crown put on, I got the Nitrous, and… WOW! That shit rocked! I told my dentist that in
a few years, they were gonna find me in a gutter, clutching a helium tank I’d stolen from a party store,
mumbling something about how “it all started when I got this crown put on in 2005….”
408. Is it okay for you to cry? When was the last time you cried?

The last time I cried, really sobbed, was when I was telling my EMDR therapist about the night I had
Mouse put to sleep. And yes, it’s fucking okay for me to cry, gawddammit! In my previous life, my “don’t
let the sun catch you crying” life, my friends had never seen me cry, never seen me upset. I remember
the night my great-grandma died, my boss/friend at Domino’s Pizza wouldn’t let me have the night off,
and kept making comments about “your granny croaking” and I was stifling tears and anger and
pretending it was all really cute and funny of him, because I certainly couldn’t, you know, be UPSET
about all that, now, could I? And how dare I be so selfish when there were pizzas to be made! But now? I
can cry and do freely in front of my family and friends, just as they can with me.

409. What do you think is wrong with MOST people, overall?

They suck. They’re selfish jerks. We all are. We want our burgers NOW, and NO ONIONS! How DARE this
store be closed? That light is green and YOU ARE BLOCKING ME WHEN I WANT TO DRIVE!
UNACCEPTABLE! WHY ISN’T MY DINNER HERE YET?! I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE BUSY! I WANT IT! I WANT
IT! I WANT IT NOW!

410. What is the thing that has frightened you most? Do you think there is anything out there that's
scarier than that? What do you think that would be?

The period of time when I thought I was losing my mind, where I felt that “going crazy” was an actual
place, and I was about to cross over into it. The panic attacks, especially the first one, which was caused
by a reaction to medication in the hospital. But I’m sure it would be even more terrifying to be faced
with death and/or torture without release. To be constantly in the face of death. Or pain. Or both.

411. How ticklish are you? Where are you ticklish?

I’m very ticklish, all over. The bottoms of my feet, especially.

412. What time period do you wish you had lived in? Why? (Looking at this as an attempt to change
history doesn't count.) What appeals to you about this era?

Late 1800s, early 1900s. Or early Jazz era in Paris. I love the literature, obviously, as well as the music
and fashions. There were so many rapid changes, and a kind of sense that anything could happen…
which was both good and bad, obviously. Plus there were a lot of challenges to the Victorian mentality
that’d pervaded things for so long. It’d be a kick to be part of that.

413. How private of a person are you? Why?

Fairly private. I mean, I don’t have a problem discussing certain things openly and honestly, but, on the
other hand, I’m not going to regale everyone with intimate blow-by-blow (no pun intended) details of
my sex life, bodily functions, and neuroses, live and in person.

414. If you were to gain an obscenely large sum of money (via an inheritance, a lawsuit, a lottery, or
anything else) what would you do with it?

Or via stock investments…? I’d help my family and friends, which is exactly what I’m doing. And buy
books and music without thought, travel a lot, and invest more.

415. What would you wish for if you found a genie?

World peace. Wouldn’t you? I already have everything I need and then some.

416. What do you do when you are bored?

I’m rarely bored. There’s always something to read, listen to, write, or think about.

417. What is the most frightening potential handicap or disfigurement you can conceive of? What
makes it so frightening?

Anything that involves losing my mind/cognitive abilities. Anything that makes me… not me anymore.

418. If your man or woman served you breakfast in bed as a treat what would you want?

Oooh, but he has, many times! I always get awesome hot chocolate. Sometimes I get egg-burrito
concoctions. Sometimes I get pancakes or waffles (with cinnamon syrup), or scones, or fresh fruit.

I always get kisses, which are the tastiest part!

419. Name a group of people:

Durannies

420. How many of them does it take to screw in a light bulb?

About twelve: two to screw in the light bulb and giggle about it, while the others all bitch about the way
they’re screwing in the light bulb, that they’re giggling while screwing in the light bulb, what they’re
wearing while screwing in the light bulb, that they know that one of the screwees is batshit crazy and
once stole John Taylor’s collection of paperclips and made a necklace out of it, and they know this
because so-and-so who talks to Andy on her Ouija Board confirmed it, and the other screwee is SO not a
good fan because she wouldn’t give that one roadie’s girlfriend’s brother a blow job to get backstage
passes, and screwing in light bulbs is what STUPID Durannies do anyway, and how stupid the screwees
are for screwing in the light bulb in the first place, because THEY would NEVER screw in a LIGHT BULB,
and they’re gonna send Simon an email telling him so, so ha!

And then three of them would shove the screwees out of the way to get to the light bulb themselves,
despite what they’d just said.

This is why most of my Durannie friends and I stay out of the various online fandoms. We’re feral
Durannies!

421. Do you like the movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie and some muppets?

I never saw the whole thing. Does that really surprise anyone?

422. Do you like the movie The Dark Crystal?

Never saw that one, either. Are these, like, Important Cultural Touchstones for People Who Fill Out
Huge Questionnaires?

423. Metallica or Guns N' Roses?

It pains me to say this, but… Metallica, all the way. I despise Axl Rose’s voice that much!
424. What are the most beautiful words that have ever been spoken to you?

For one, our wedding ceremony. We wrote it ourselves, very carefully, and made some intense promises
to each other, ourselves, and our families. But The Husband-Type Man says so many incredibly beautiful
and sincere things to me, like “I love life with you!”

425. Have you ever read your own writing at a poetry reading?

No. I can’t write poetry. I’ve only written two… for a Creative Writing class I took once. I had to read
them out loud in class… that doesn’t count as an actual “poetry reading” does it? I’m more likely to host
the readings than contribute.

426. What is one simple thing that gives you the happy shivers?

One thing? I can think of dozens! But one? THTM’s kisses and cuddles. He’s so genuinely loving. We
make out a lot.

427. What insects are you afraid of?

Anything that can bite or sting. Anything gross or crunchy.

428. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?

A picture of C’est FUBAR Michael Jackson, with the caption: “ANYONE can be a child molester.”

I’d get Simon Le Bon a t-shirt that says “I’m With Stupid” and has an arrow pointing at his dick.

429. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?

I had a pair of jeans that I’d write on. It started because I needed to write down a verse of poetry, and
didn’t have anyplace else. So I wrote it on my jeans. And just started writing all sorts of stuff on them. I
had a gorgeous crushed-velvet wrap-around shirt with white silk batwing sleeves… very
Renaissance/Juliet. I had a Juliet-cap hat that I’d wear with it… black velvet trimmed with pearls. I had a
Sparklets Water shirt that said “Otis” on it. I had a white dress that looked like a Victorian schoolgirl’s,
and I’d wear it with lace-up black boots, black tights, and my hair in curls and tied back with a big black
ribbon. I had any number of vintage dresses, and used to wear this turquoise chiffon one with a pillbox
hat and pearls. Ditto the yellow brocade dress with the round collar. I still wear plaid blazers and weird
hats and old jewelry. I still wear a pair of brocade silver flats circa the 1960s that I found in Gram’s
storage shed. I have some reproduction Victorian clothing, and, as mentioned previously, wear my
bloomers and petticoat around the house.

430. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how
much you weigh, what food would it be?

Either cheese or ice cream.

431. What are your parents interested in?

Mom likes reading, music – especially DooWop and, to my eternal dismay, c(o)untry – Disney stuff,
browsing antique stores and little trinkets-and-stuff shops, musicals, Ireland, and she’s recently started
more sewing and needlepoint craft stuff, which is awesome. My Dumb Dad is interested in finding
someone to listen to his Poor Me shtick, whining, not taking responsibility for anything ever, feeling
sorry for himself, making excuses, and rewriting history. Gram watches a lot of telly, smokes, plays
pocket Keno (or goes to the Indian casinos to play Keno) and helps people.

432. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?

One of my earliest memories is of catching a butterfly and putting it in a jar when I was about 4, to keep
it as a pet. But I didn’t know you had to punch air holes in the lid of the jar…. "The killing jar" indeed.

433. Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal?

No, but I loved books about stuff like that when I was a kid. Karana’s wild dog in Island of the Blue
Dolphins, Sam’s falcon inMy Side of the Mountain…. Plus I always had a secret yen to have a pet skunk.
De-skunked, of course.

434. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?

For me, finally, they’ve become the same thing.

435. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?

When I’m not zonked by school stress and stuff. Like when I have the time to really wind down and
focus inward and regain my perspective.

436. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you
bring?

My Taser gun, a tent like we had in Africa with lots of zippers and locks, and dinner.

437. Have you ever lost something and never found it?

My engagement ring, which bums me out to this day. It got lost/stolen when we moved from New York.
I also have a small box of single earrings, just in case, 20 years later, the other one shows up.

438. Do you listen to any talk radio shows?

I listen to NPR in the car sometimes, but lately have had trouble stomaching any kind of news. Loveline
is no fun without Adam.

439. Have you ever fired a gun?

No, nor have I actually Tasered someone with my Taser. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t.

440. Who do you trust more, your friends or your parents?

I trust my friends as much as I trust Mom and Gram.

441. Would you ever date someone outside of your race or religion?

Yes to race. As for religion, as long as they weren’t fundamental about whatever religion it was, I’d
consider it.

442. What can you talk about for hours?

My literary areas of interest. Pop culture. Music.

443. Do you talk about yourself, other people, or ideas the most?

Dude, it’s all mixed up together.

444. Are you a fan of The Legend of Zelda games?

No, but I love the name Zelda. Too bad it has nutty-wife-of-Scotty-Fitzgerald connotations

445. What old movie would you go see if it were re-released in the movie theaters?

I go to as many old movies as I do new ones.

446. Have you ever left a mean unsigned note?

It’s possible, but I don’t remember for certain. Prolly something like someone who parked in front of my
driveway or blocked my car or somesuch.

447. Do you think it’s cheesy to paste things you didn’t write into your diary?

I’m assuming, by the nature of this quiz, that they mean online diaries, but I don’t have one of those. But
yes, I do put things I didn’t write into my own diaries… namely, poetry. In fact, I went through a period
of about 6 months where I just couldn’t even find words of my own, and wrote down other peoples’
poems to communicate and express what I was feeling. Lots of Dickinson, Millay, Akhmatova. Lots of
Leonard Cohen lyrics.

448. What are three things that you try not to think about?

Death, losing those I love, and the current state of the government.

449. Is casual sex acceptable for you?

Not for me. I tried it with Boy Wonder, and… yeesh. I need to know a person well before I can have sex
with him. It’s intimacy.

450. What form of sexual protection do you use?

Condoms. Every. Single. Time. I can’t take the Pill regularly, but do have a stash of MAPs in my
nightstand drawer.

451. What is expected of you that you feel is unnatural or not right?

Being a “housewife”… or any kind of traditional “post-feminist backlash” wife, I guess. It always throws
me when someone asks me about where I buy my husband’s clothes (Buy his clothes?!) or how many
times a week I cook him dinner or does he “let” me go out with my friends or do I “let” him go out with
his, or how can I deny him children, or what do I mean “he does his own ironing” or anything else that
implies that I froth over showing My Husband how loving and committed to him I am via all things
domestic such as whiter-than-white-whites and folding his t-shirts and vacuuming, and he is just a big,
dumb oaf who sits around on the couch drinking beer after his hard day at work earning money for me
to run his house. I’m not his mother, his housekeeper, his guardian or his baby; I’m his partner.

452. Do you sometimes place your own expectations on other people?

Sure.

453. Do you sometimes act overeager to make friends when you are around strangers?

Quite the opposite. I’ve been told I seem cold, aloof or snotty sometimes because I’m very reserved
around people at first.

454. Do you have a quick wit?

Medium. Sugie’s, however, is rapid-fire and wicked!

455. Do you believe in the phrase ‘fuck political correctness’?

No, and as I’m writing in my Postfem Blather, I think the notion of what was perceived as “politically
correct” (and the perspective that it was “nitpicky”) versus what is ACTUAL HUMAN DECENCY is part of
the primary problem with our society today. Saying it is “politically correct” to call someone “African
American” or that you can’t call someone at work “hon” because of all that “political correctness stuff”
misrepresents and belies the actual problems at work. But I’ll get to all that elsewhere.

456. Do you have strong opinions and beliefs?

*eye roll*

457. If yes, can you still hang out with and be friends with people who disagree with you?

Absolutely! I enjoy debates (good-hearted ones) about stuff, and people with differing opinions only
expand and enlighten. Just because I think one thing doesn’t mean you can’t think another thing.

458. Are you uptight?

Fuck yes!

459. Do you sometimes do risky things?

Yes. But, while not risky in general, like skateboarding down a hill or cliff-diving, they’re risky for me
because they challenge my personal fears and usual comfort zone.

460. Could just about anyone hold your interest in a conversation for at least ten minutes?

No.

461. Do you enjoy everything from clubs to museums to movies to ice skating… as long as you’re doing
SOMETHING?

I enjoy being quiet often, too, but “an object at rest tends to stay at rest,” so I try to get out just to keep
from stagnating at times. My mind is always doing something.

462. What is Kevin Smith’s best movie?

I’ve never seen a Kevin Smith movie. Again, you surprised?

463. Where do you like to go on Friday or Saturday nights?

Home. Or if I’m in a going-out mood, out to a groovy restaurant with friends.

464. Do you often feel like other people are judging you?

Too often.

465. What do you think other people judge you to be like?

A snob. Narrow-minded. Cold. Aloof. A freak. Stupid.

466. Are you quick to judge others?

Sometimes. But I’ve also learned to trust my instincts; I finally listen to that voice in my head that goes
“Eyuuuuch!” when I meet someone. Every time I tried to ignore it, it proved to be right after all.

467. When you have a fight with someone do you want to talk about it right away or calm down first
and then talk?

Usually calm down. I’ve even said a couple times, “Look, I’m agitated and angry and likely to say
something hurtful. I need to take a breather.”

468. Some say love is a river (according to the old song). What do you say love is?

Never having to say you’re sorry? Kisses in a bean bag chair, the moment that I climb the stairs? Higher
than a mountain, thicker than water? Paranoid?

Actually, I’ll go with 1 Corinthians for this one: “Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is
never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense.” I’m no fan of St. Paul,
but he was spot on with this, and it took me a long time to fully understand and believe it.

469. What is the worst fault a person can have?

Extreme selfishness.

470. Do you have it?

Yes, everyone does to varying degrees. Haven’t we already discussed this before, too?

471. Which do you think has more impact on a person’s character, genetics or environment?

Environment, although I think genetics is an important factor as well. Which is part of the reason why
I’m scared shitless to Breed; it’s kinda a crapshoot.

472. Who have you read a biography about?

In my line of work…? I’ve read hundreds of ‘em. In fact, some of my favorite books are the Reynolds
biographies on Hemingway.

473. What would your own autobiography be called?

Hm. It’s more wishful thinking, but: “She Dealt Her Pretty Words Like Blades.”

474. What do you feel controlled by?

My insecurities and fears. Hence, therapy.

475. What is one thing you are sure of?

That everything happened just the way it was meant to.

476. At what part of the day do you feel the most alert?

Morning. And I usually get a second wind after dinner.

477. Have you ever stared into the ocean thinking 'early creatures crawled outta that'?

Not really, but I will.

478. If not, what do you think of when you are staring into the ocean?

Usually “I’m on the edge of a continent,” “The waves are both wildly irregular and incredibly regular at
the same time” and “Ahhhhh….”

479. If you didn't know that people couldn't fly do you think that you could?

No. But I used to try when I was little. I hoped that if I really really REALLY believed that THIS TIME I
could do it, it might happen.

480. Are you someone that others call when they're having a problem and want to talk about it?

I will happily be there for friends and family if they need to talk or cry, but I’m not the Fixer that I used to
be. I don’t want to give advice or make suggestions or be the Benevolent Helper that both my Mom and
Gram are. And I noticed that as soon as I stopped being the one who would Help and Take Care of
Everyone, I started having much healthier friendships. So yes, my friends can and do call me when
they’re having a problem and want to talk, just like I do with them. But I’m not friends anymore with
people who are ALWAYS in crisis and ALWAYS needing to call with problems… and who don’t
reciprocate.

481. When it comes to literature, do you see beyond the writing and into the meaning intended by the
author?

*major eye roll*

482. If there was a god and you could ask him/her one question what would it be?

WHY?

483. Are you in touch with the earth and nature?

Not as much as I’d like to be. I need more time to really settle down and remember those connections
more often. But I am very much aware of the feel of the air, the cycles of the moon, the smells of what’s
growing outside, the vibrations and palpitations. I just don’t… plug into it as much as I need to or should.

484. Would you rather live simply or extravagantly?

Extravagantly. Actually, I think I mean a more “not settling for less” approach.

485. Can you think of three adjectives that do not apply to you at all?

Cocky, simple, casual.

486. Are you very active?

No, but I’m getting better. I go to the gym several times a week, which I hate in theory, but am
beginning to enjoy in practice; getting my body moving and sweaty is strangely satisfying, and feeling my
muscles strengthen and just shutting down the brain and being purely physical for a while is incredible.
Most of my work involves sitting and reading or writing. Most of my hobbies involve the same. So I’m
making quite an effort to get off my ass, take more walks, stretch, move, and enjoy my physical essence.

487. Is there a city that reminds you of the landscape of your brain?

I actually had to ponder this question for days before I could find a satisfactory answer, and I think it’s
London. ( Chicago ran a close second, but it’s too flat). London is crammed with old and new all over the
place, has an entire other city underground, has places that’re insanely busy, places that are elegant,
places that are seedy, places that are sublime and peaceful. It’s entrenched in history, self-reflexive,
contradictory, exhilarating, exhausting, and can be a hundred different things at the same time. And
that is much like the landscape of my brain.

488. Have you ever loved someone who has loved you back?

The greatest joy of my life is being wholly in love with my equal partner, who wholly loves me back just
as much. That was what I always wanted and hoped for, and thought (and was told) that it was
unrealistic.

489. Is it really being 'in love with' someone if the other person doesn't love you?

I guess, if you want to look at it that way. You can love/care about someone who doesn’t love you back,
but it’s not a loverelationship, obviously.

490. Do you believe that there is someone perfect for everyone or that people just fall in love with
who ever they are with at the time?

I don’t believe in “soulmates,” if that’s what the “someone perfect for everyone” means. No, I don’t
think there is one, ONLY ONE, perfect ideal magical predestined seminally linked person for someone. I
do think certain people are drawn or brought together for certain reasons, and that in that sense they
are “meant” to be together. But I also think lots of people “settle” for whoever they’re with at the time
because they think they’re supposed to.

491. Do you know secret things?

Lots and lots. On the fun side of things, I have Durans’ email addresses and house addresses, and often
find out from friends who are friends of the band about their recording schedules and songs and
infighting and breakdowns and that sort of thing.

492. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have?

No. I was never actually in love with Boy Wonder. And even though it had its problems, my relationship
with DumbAss taught me a hell of a lot, so I certainly can’t say I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him.

493. How do you overcome your fears?

The aforementioned fuckload of therapy and introspection!

494. What can you do better than anyone you know?

Make pig-oink noises. (Shut up!)

495. Does it seem to you like the range of socially acceptable behavior is getting smaller or larger?

Larger.

496. Are human beings becoming more domesticated?

Well, no shit! We buy pre-cut salads in bags now because we can’t even handle the work of chopping up
the lettuce. Actually, I think it’s specifically Americans who are becoming more domesticated: pre-
prepared meals all the time, zoning out in front of flickering screens for entertainment, primarily
sedentary. We suck.

497. Do you follow the lives of the British Royal Family?

Sorta kinda. I will admit to really loving Princess Diana, even though I was aware of her flaws and all
that. I was heartbroken when she died. Wills isn’t as hot as he used to be. Bummer.

498. How did the death of Pope John Paul II affect you?

It made me very happy, actually. While I can respect that he was a well-educated man, blah blah blah, I
think it was incredibly horrid when he insisted on praying for the poor priests who were being accused
of molestation… but didn’t say a word about, oh, THE VICTIMS OF THE MOLESTATION. Obviously, I have
problems with the Catholic Church and its ideologies.

499. Are people becoming more afraid of each other?

On the contrary, I think they’re becoming more rude and belligerent and confrontational.

500. Who or what needs to be stopped?

OUR FUCKING GOVERNMENT! Especially the Terrible Two currently in charge.

(If you made it through this whole fucking thing, congrats and thank you. Now go have a drink!)