IT!

MAGAZINE
Y
THL
M ON

E !
S I V
CLU
EX
THE LATEST DIRT ON ITHACA, FIRST.
ISSUE XXXII • MCLXXXI •5
BC DRACHMAS

TELEMACHUS:
ONLY IN IT! “I’M GAY.”
ODYSSEUS’ HUNKY SON COMES
OUT ABOUT HIS SEXUALITY!

MASS MURDER
IN ITHACA!
Suitors found HOW TO BE
dead in the HOSPITABLE
house of godly AN EXPERT’S GUIDE TO BEING AS

Odysseus!
HOSPITABLE AS CAN BE!

WHODUNIT?
© Edrich Ty
 inside this
issue of
IV Editor’s Note/About the Cover

V Monthly Mailbag
VI Features

VI Know Your Ithacan Leaders

VIII
VIII X Tips on Being Hospitable
IX Telemachus Speaks Out About His Sexuality

X Hundreds Murdered, Is It the End of the World?

XI Royal Hottie, Exposed!

XII The Homecoming Rant

XIII Fun Pages
IX XIII Quiz: Which Greek god are you?
IMAGE SOURCES
http://www.independent.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00034/
homer_34395b.jpg
http://www.hallofheroes.us/img/Odysseus.jpg XIV Crossword Puzzle
http://www.culture24.org.uk/asset_arena/9/45/2549/v0_master.jpg
http://www.victorianweb.org/decadence/painting/moreau/12d.jpg

X
http://www.athleticaid.com/yaquinapress/barcode/barcode13.png
http://www.conservapedia.com/images/1/1d/
Monsiau_Return_of_Odysseus.jpg
http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20070917194109/andromeda/
images/thumb/d/df/Telemachus_Rhade.jpg/300px-
Telemachus_Rhade.jpg
http://collectionsonline.lacma.org/MWEBimages/eps_mm/full/
49_17_4.jpg
http://www.accucutcraft.com/stores/5//images%5C/storeimages/Dies/
std_alphas/GKO.gif
http://www.treffmagazin.de/archiv/html/treff_0804/gix/odysseus.jpeg
http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb21710/common/skins/common/
blank.gif
http://blog.bigwebapps.com/bigpicture/images/2008/02/20/
charlesmanson.jpg
http://www.cbc.ca/arts/images/penelopiad3.jpg
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_IbMG8N7bvBw/SXYsRBTvlCI/AAAAAAAABVc/
5uY9HIoNMwA/s320/Telemachus.jpg
http://www.moyak.com/papers/odysseus.jpg
http://gwenminor.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/
WaterhousePenelope.jpg
http://jb3248.k12.sd.us/GreekGodsPictures/olympian.jpg
 editor’s
letter
A storm subsiding is how I view this month’s issue. Autumn is just around the corner, but Ithaca’s still hot from all the
issues it just encountered! The homecoming of Odysseus had been a surprise to all of us and it’s just right that we devote this
issue to the aftermath of the situation. The tension that hung in the air is decreasing as Odysseus brings order to our peaceful
kingdom, Ithaca but as we near the end of this month, new rumors and issues replace them. Some may be unaware of what’s
happening to the town nowadays, and some believe the rumors that have been passed around. So, what really did happen when
he came back? Learn about the situation in Hundreds Murdered, Could this be the End of the World? (page X)
where you’ll find the aftereffects of his arrival, and what happened inside his house. We’ve your usual interest on the ideal
women in Ithaca in Royal Hottie, Exposed! (page XI). Check this out as we expand on the dream girl of every Ithacan
man, and how they depict the perfect woman.
We’ve got more to offer in X Tips on Hospitality where different tips on being a good host or visitor can be found seen.
Did we mention that you could get to know more about Odysseus and the people around him? Look at Know Your
Ithacan Leaders(pages VI-VII) where we’ve got a profile on Odysseus and his men. The storm truly is subsiding as more and
more facts about our king is revealed and explained to us, but new ones are brewing up as we tackle the other scandals.
Telemachus had not been very honest with us while his daddy’s away, but now, he reveals to us more about himself. Find out
who he really is in Telemachus Speaks About Out His Sexuality (page IX).
Leaves will fall this autumn, but issues won’t so continue to hang around with IT ! Magazine as we to bring you the freshest, the
latest, and the finest dirt in Ithaca. Until the next issue, stay safe and healthy!

Bernell Go
Editor-in-Chief

about
the cover
T he cover was mostly inspired by fellow gossip magazine, OK!, as was the overall layout. What I tried to do was imitate
the design and layout of OK!, and then incorporate the main points of the magazine as headlines. An image depicting the
massacre of the suitors was chosen to be the main highlight of the cover because not only was it the biggest event of the last
few books, but it also served as the overall highlight of the entire Odyssey, so it was really no contest which would be the main
splash for the cover. Other highlights include the coming out of Telemachus, which is a really controversial and hot-button piece
that really had to have a place on the cover, represented by an image of a real-life Telemachus; and lastly, the tips on hospitality,
which would appeal to the more lifestyle-oriented buyers of IT! Magazine, as shown in the painting of the two young .Phaiakian
women being hospitable and offering the nude Odysseus clothes to wear. Thanks for hearing me out, believe me, I had LOTS of
fun designing this one, and hope you enjoy the entire issue, dear reader!

Javier Gamboa
Layouter & Designer

IV IT! MAGAZINE
 the monthly
mailbag
Here's the latest edition of our editor's monthly mailbag. Here, he answers questions and gives advice to
Ithacans who ask him. To be featured on the next Monthly Mailbag, please visit our office at XIV Lysandra
Road, near the seaside, and look for Thalia, our secretary, so that you can submit your questions. Just keep in
mind that not all of the questions are answered, so don't be too disappointed if yours isn't.
How dare you allow your writers to call my
son, Antinoos, a cold-hearted slimy evil
[censored] in your last issue? He is in no way
like that at all! I demand you fix this horrid
mistake immediately and fire the writers
responsible. Until then, I will not be reading
this magazine again any time soon.
Antinoos's father
Well, there is a thing over here called 'freedom
of speech' in case you haven't noticed. Also,
Antinoos (who is now dead so condolences…
awkward) at that time really was behaving
quite less than acceptably that time, so he
deserved being called that. Anyway, I haven't
fired my writers so enjoy not reading IT
Magazine!
Help me, I have a really huge pimple and I'm
about to meet someone on a date! He's cute
and I don't want to mess it up with this giant
pimple! What should I do?
Eudocia
Well I can't help you with the pimple directly
but I might know what to do. I suggest you buy
either Aphrodite's Pimple Cream or Xandra
Anti-Pimple. They've helped me get out of tight
spots in the past. Take care!
Yesterday I think I offended a god! While my
parents were praying at Zeus's Temple, I was
secretly making out with my boyfriend and
today my house was hit by a lightning bolt!
Please help me editor, I'm scared, I don't want
to end up in the Fields of Punishment for all
eternity when I die!
Melanctha
Why were you doing that anyway? It's very
rude to offend a god, especially the great
Zeus. I propose you offer a really big
hecatomb to him immediately because I can
sense he's majorly pissed off. You don't know
what he's gonna do next (the gods are very
unpredictable). Good luck, and I hope it's not
too late!
I've lost my dog, Alexandrukas, and he's been
missing for three days! You may be laughing at
me, but my dog means a lot to me. Any
advice, Mister Editor?
Jeroenr
I think you should leave him alone, no matter
how much he means to you. He's probably
harpy food or cyclops chow already, and if you
wander off to look for him it might happen to
you too.
OMG! You're last issue was awesome! I liked
the part where you guys told the story of
Odysseus's journey! Where'd you get that info
anyway?
Isadora
Well, I'm glad you liked it :) About the
journey… well, I can't tell you where I got the
info, it's confidential.
! ! ! ! ! !
I need advice on how to kill that pesky son of
Odysseus, Telemachus. The nerve of him! The
other day, he insulted me and the other
suitors. Damn him to Tartarus!
Eurymachos
Sorry about the late reply (hey this magazine's
monthly, what can I do?), especially since now
you're dead. Hahaha. So, readers, next time,
no more asking advice on how to brutally
murder your enemies. It may come back to
you in the future. Thanks, guys.
My husband Adolf hasn't returned from his
journey yet and our poor seven children have
been waiting for so long. Do you know if he
made it out alive? I'm really upset now, even
though it has been twenty years already.
Xylia
I am truly sorry but I don't know what
happened to your husband. Our source never
mentioned him, but he did give a hint that
Odysseus was spotted in nearby Phaiakia,
alone. I'm not sure if this is true because no
one has seen Odysseus for twenty years
though.
Help! I'm being married off by my mom to
some guy thirty years older than me! I don't
like him because he's old and ugly and his feet
smell like rotten fish. I don't care if he's rich,
please help me!
Persis
Hmmm. This isn't the first time I've gotten one
of these. Try praying to Artemis because I'm
85% sure she's the goddess of virginity (one of
her many roles). If all else fails, ask Zeus to
blast your suitor to bits with his lightning bolt,
but remember to ask nicely!
Last week, I found a vagabond wandering
outside the house, so I kicked him out. I didn't
think it was a big deal at the time but then my
parents found out and got really mad at me.
They told me about some 'Code of Xenia'
thing. Why didn't they tell me about that
earlier? I'm writing to you now because one of
our dogs drowned while swimming in the sea,
and a while ago our bathroom flooded! Help
me please editor!
Timandra
Ooh, I think you pissed off Poseidon there.
Just like another one of my letters, I think you
should offer up a hecatomb to him, and soon,
before your mom drowns in a rain puddle. I
hope you've learned your lesson now. "Don't
judge a book by its cover."
! ! ! ! ! !
Are you a god in disguise?
Hesperos
No. Is this a joke? I'm in a really bad mood
today, and I don't even know how this got
through the screening process. Next time,
please do not waste my time with this
garbage.
I'm terrified right now! Just two hours ago,
while my friend and I were mock sword-
fighting, a weird bird with an old lady head
came and attacked him! We killed it after a lot
of effort, but do you have any idea what it
was?
Iason
That was probably a harpy. Those things are
very dangerous, so it's a good thing you and
your friend were able to kill it. Most others
aren't so lucky. Something to comfort you
though, harpy attacks are extremely rare, I
think yours is the first in thirty-five years. I
hope they don't come back, good luck!
by Sean Ocier
IT! MAGAZINE V
 know your
Ithacan leaders
ODYSSEUS
He’s the talk of the town and
probably the most popular
person in the region. Here we
see the reasons why and
other basic, as well as
intriguing facts about the
great hero.
FUN FACTS
AGE
Her pretty face tells us that she lived through around
38 summers, although some would argue that she
lived through 48 summers already
HEIGHT
3/4 orgyias
WEIGHT
2 medimnos
HOBBIES, TALENTS AND LIKES
Weaving
Odysseus
DISLIKES
Suitors
Old men who want her body and money
FEATS
Penelope was able to stand more than 20 summers
with the annoying suitors who mostly wanted her for A: I am neither confirming nor denying this,
her beauty and for her wealth and power. but if it were true, I’m damn good! (wink wink)
Rumor has it, she devised a most cynical plan to delay
her marriage with one of her suitors after she agreed
to marry one of them after she’s finished with her
weaving. She secretly unweaved at night, so that her
weaving would not finish. How clever of her!
MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT
During the epic battle between her husband and the
suitors, she was nowhere to be found. IT Magazine
has received confirmation that, of all things, she was
busy sleeping in her own room during the time of the A: I have decided to cut down my intake of
battle. What an embarrassing moment!
THE RUSTY ARROW
Ever wondered why the different suitors stayed in the
palace and waited that long a time, only ending up
dead in the dining area? It was because of Penelope’s
slutty nature.Yes, her body and movements made the
suitors’ eyes marvel over the her. And this made way
for the different fantasies and thoughts that the
suitors had in their minds.
VI IT! MAGAZINE
by Jerome Lim
PENELOPE
She’s the wife of our great hero,
Odysseus, and she is known for having
to bear with a very rough estimate of
500 suitors while waiting for Odysseus’
return from battle. Her waiting
reached more than 20 summers!
FUN FACTS
AGE
Some would say was able to live through 55
Q&A
winters, but looking at his great body, we’d say
Here’s the exclusive interview you wouldn’t
he lived through just 45 winters.
see in any other magazine.You saw it first
here!
HEIGHT
1 orgyia
Q: What is your stand on your most
embarrassing moment, which is being dressed
WEIGHT
up as a beggar?
3 medimnos
A: Well, this was, no doubt, an essential part of
HOBBIES, TALENTS AND LIKES
my life, and it made me realize a new
Playing with weapons
perspective on life. I wouldn’t say that it was
Fighting and winning in wars
embarrassing, and I would say that I’m proud
that this happened.
DISLIKES
Losing in wars
Q: What is your reaction regarding the
Being held hostage
different rumors going around about you
sleeping with goddesses with mystical powers?
FEATS
Odysseus lead and won the war against the
Trojans, making him one of the greatest heros of
all time, perhaps even greater than Achilles or
Perseus who both died in battle!
Q: Has this rumor reached Penelope yet?
Almost 500* suitors who were annoying the
A: I don’t think so. Well, my wife trusts and has
Queen Penelope died in the hands of Odysseus
faith in me that I wouldn’t cheat on her no
and his men.
matter what. But I wouldn’t want this rumor
to corrupt her beautiful mind, so don’t send
MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT
any of my subscriptions to our palace.
Rumor has it, he once dressed
as a lowly beggar and ate the food of the pigs.
Q: Which do you prefer? Pork or lamb?
How embarrassing for a great hero like him!
THE RUSTY ARROW
both foods in honor of my friends. (Long
We have the inside scoop on the different
story) Can I choose fish instead? HAHA!
scandals our great hero had to face.You think
he’s a goody-goody and all? Well, think again!
We have information that Odysseus cheated on
his wife, Penelope.Yes, you read it right, he
CHEATED. Before his arrival in Ithaka, he was
able to make love with several other women
including the magical Circe and Calypso!
* rough estimation based on the eyes of our
very own gossip reporter, Crazy Eyes.

Q&A
We asked Penelope several intriguing questions
on her life. Let’s see her answers!
Q: How do you feel about being crowned this
month’s Dirty Apple?
A: Well, first of all, I am very grateful for this
recognition. I thank my father and mother who
helped me shape my body, my husband Odysseus
for helping me maintain my great figure, as well
as my Pilates instructor, Monica. I also thank the
goddess Aphrodite for making me like this.
I would also say that all these body movements
were just my natural movements, and I had no
idea whatsoever that I would win this kind of
award. Thank you, IT Magazine.
Q: What is your stand regarding the circulating
rumor of Odysseus cheating on you?
A: Well, I trust and love my husband at all times,
and I believe that he would do nothing to hurt
me. I pray that the ones who started this rumor
change their evil ways and intentions.
Q: Which color? Black or white?
A: Definitely white. It symbolizes purity,
cleanliness and all that.
TELEMACHUS
He’s the son of our great hero, Odysseus, and
a lot of people would say that he resembles his
father in many ways. (*Editor’s Note: The
interview was conducted weeks before his
coming out.
FUN FACTS
AGE
He has lived through around 21 springs, and has recently
come of age. Ladies, watch out for this hottie.
HEIGHT
1 orgyias
WEIGHT
2 and a half medimnos
HOBBIES, TALENTS AND LIKES
Fighting alongside his father, Odysseus
Practicing using weapons
DISLIKES
Suitors
Old men who want her mother’s body and money
Being looked down on
FEATS
IT Magazine has received confirmation that he travelled
indeed travelled to great distances wanting to know
more about his father, Odysseus. Having only lived
through around 21 springs, it may be a great surprise
that he survived his journey! Well, the fact that he is the
son of the great Odysseus makes this a not-so-
impressive-feat, but a feat nonetheless. Great job,
Telemachus.
MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT
Rumor has it, while fighting alongside Odysseus against
the suitors, he wanted to get some more weapons from
the storage room to give to Odysseus. After doing so,
however, he forgot to lock the storage room door. As a
result, some of the suitors had access to the room, and
got some weapons as well. How clumsy of you,
Telemachus!
THE RUSTY ARROW
We interviewed one former maidservant of Odysseus’
house about a dirty moment in the life of Telemachus.
And according to her, Telemachus once had intentions
for his own mother, Penelope! We’re not so surprised,
given the fact that Penelope is a real hottie.
This is a very great scandal, and IT Magazine has yet to
receive confirmation regarding the validity of the issue.
But if this were true, imagine the things Telemachus
could’ve done to his mother. Kudos to you, Telemachus.
Q&A
IT! Magazine asked Telemachus different
questions on his life, and this is the
exclusive interview we got!
Q: Is it true that you once had intentions
for your mother?
A: I would like to hold back my comment
for this, so I am neither confirming nor
denying this. But whoever started this
rumor, true or not, would face the wrath
of Telemachus!
Q: Do you think you’d grow up to be like
your father?
A; Well, I already think I resemble my
father even at this moment. We almost
have the same looks, height, et cetera. And
so, I think I would really grow up to be
like my father.
Q: How do you feel about your father’s
delayed return?
A: At first, I was kind of frustrated that he
only returned just now. I was about to
lose hope already. At the same time, I was
overjoyed that he showed up, even after
20 springs.
Q: How would you rule the land of Ithaka
in the future?
A: I already have some plans about my
future reign in Ithaka. I am planning to
make Ithaka a tourist spot for people of
different lands. This would allow it to
fluorish and be known to a numerous
number of people.
Q: Peanuts or prunes? Pick one.
A: Peanuts, of course. I think it’s more
manly.
IT! MAGAZINE VIII
 X tips on
hospitality
by Javi Benitez & Bernell Go
How to be hospitable.
1. When you see a common stranger passing by your
house, say hello! Greet them and entertain them as you see fit. Don’t just
stand there doing nothing, if they ask you questions, answer them accurately. It is
rude to ignore people, much less those in need so don’t be shy and say hi!

2. Welcome them into your house! I’m sure they will appreciate
it if you extend your hospitality and help them out with what they need.You’ll
never know, they may have something to offer or when you meet them again in
the future, you’ll be the one they welcome into your house.

3. Treat them with respect! Ask who they are politely, and if you find
out he’s a murdered from a faraway land who escaped punishment, don’t just kick
him out! Listen to what he says, and comfort him if he breaks down. Some
wanderers are gods in disguise. Treat them well and you may have a prophecy or
something good coming your way.

4. Offer them help! If they ask for something, give them

what they want: supplies, food, shelter for a day or 2, or
any other thing. Use your common sense! If he asks to sleep with your
wife, strike him down or something. When I said give him what he wants, it’s for
his journey, not for his personal pleasure!

5. Just be your usual self, relax and enjoy. It’s not as if they’d >>ABOVE: AN IDEAL HOSPITABLE
wreck your house or kill you while you’re sleeping, that’s just plain rude! You don’t
have to worry about anything, the gods favor hospitable people. It doesn’t matter
HOUSEHOLD
if you’re not able to fully satisfy the needs of your visitor, what matters most is
that you did your best and you were willing to help them.

1. How to be a good visitor.

Be polite in asking for help! If the owner of the house takes you in, that means he/she is willing to help you out. The least you can do is be
polite and ask properly, you wouldn’t want them to kick you out of their house, would you?

2. Be honest! Unless you’re trying to hide your identity, as it is part of your plan, answer what they ask accurately. There’s no loss in describing a bit
about your journey or about who you are.You’ll never know, they may have information on what lies ahead of you, so don’t be afraid to open up!

3. Don’t be overly abusive! These people are trying to help you on their own free will so don’t take advantage of their hospitality to satisfy your
desire.You can ask for supplies or shelter, but don’t steal anything or ask more than what you need. They’ll know how much you need and be satisfied with
what they give you.

4. Don’t threaten the host of the house if they refuse to do something for you! Again, they are helping you on their own free
will so give them credit for it. In fact, if you have something to offer them, just give it to show your appreciation! Don’t say that you’re a god and you’ll
obliterate them if they didn’t give you what you asked for.

5. Leave when you get what you need! As I’ve said before, don’t take advantage of what they offer. Leaving early will benefit both you and
the host because they wouldn’t have to spend more on you and you can continue on your journey. Further more, hosts can sometimes be attached to their
visitors, and the longer you stay, the harder it will be for them to let go.

VIII IT! MAGAZINE

 Telemachus
speaks out about
his sexuality
by Edrich Ty EXCLUSIVE
So brave!

Heartthrob Telemachus has finally

opened up to IT! - to speak out about his
own sexuality and to finally come out of the
closet. Our only questions is: Why did it take
so long?

There are only two constant things in

Ithaca. One of them is Farmer John’s cock
waking everyone up in the morning, and the
other is Telemachus’s promiscuity, or lack of
thereof. Everyone knows of Telemachus’s
non-existent sex life, even with all of the
town’s women throwing themselves at him.

“I’ve tried to fool myself into thinking I’m

someone I’m not, but I’ve finally realized
that I should be true to myself, and it’s the
best feeling in the world. I’ve always longed
to be surrounded by the warm embrace of a
muscular man’s arms.”

We’ve tried talking to his parents, Odysseus

and Penelope, about their son’s coming out
of the closet.
>> IN THIS PHOTO:
“I’m glad that he’s finally come out of the TELEMACHUS,
closet. I wasn’t surprised to be honest. He’s SURROUNDED BY MEN
always had a hard time being a man, and ON THE BATTLEFIELD
without a father-figure for so long, I knew
this was inevitably coming. I just hope that
he won’t get bullied because of this,” says
Penelope.
“I’ve always longed to be
Unfortunately, Odysseus wasn’t as
surrounded by the warm
things going on right now and people trying embrace of a muscular
supportive as the mother. “I have so much

to kill me and the boy decides to tell the

world he’s gay? What is he thinking?” man’s arms.” - Telemachus
IT! MAGAZINE IX
 hundreds
murdered, is it the
end of the world?
EXCLUSIVE by GOSSIP BOY Edrich Ty
Hello, dearies. Gossip boy here.

Did you know a new trend has taken the whole town of Ithaca by storm! You don’t? No, it’s not
those new skinny lambskin jeans.

The new trendy thing to do nowadays is... how do they say this.. DYING! Yes, dying has been the “it”
thing these past few weeks. Well, you see, honey, a bunch of people just died, mostly by indigestion of
food, if by food you mean an arrow and indigestion you mean having it plow through your brains.

The incidents of death have risen from a steady one last month to a whopping 142 this month. This
sudden increase is due mainly to the massacre at the Odysseus household, where 142 people died.
There were no survivors.

Elmer Posadas, 42, who was walking outside the Odysseus manor, was lucky enough to see the
carnage. “It was so disgusting! Bits of flesh were flying out the windows and a stray arrow was kind
enough to stab me on the foot. Wanna see the scar? It’s really dirty and smelly since I haven’t washed
it in a long time,” Elmer recounts the terrifying experience.
He is truly a hardcore person.

“I was there! I was there! Ask me anything about it!”

Proclaimed Ingrid Turkoglu II, daughter of Ingrid Turkoglue I.
We have confirmed that she wasn’t there.

What could be the cause of this madness?

>> ABOVE: ARTIST
Top experts and scholars all have different opinions on this PHILOPYS’ RENDITION
matter. OF THE MASSACRE
Beng, the guy that sweeps the horse poop off the streets, have speculated that this was a foreshadowing of
Ragnarok, the end of the world. He was immediately hanged, and then stoned, and then beheaded since
he’s in the wrong mythology.

Other signs point to global warming. Mass protests are being held all around town trying to convince
Odysseus, the ruler of Ithaca, to implement a new law that criminalizes the burning of wood for leisure.

A newly-formed extremist group, called “The Kobras” has been founded, and their stated goal was to
destroy Odysseus. “HIDE YO’ KIDS, HIDE YO’ WIFE, HIDE YO’ HUSBAND ‘CAUSE THEY BE KILLIN’
>> ABOVE: EVERYBODY OUT THERE!” Screamed Karl Janjalani, leader of The Kobras, at the passers-by on the street.
CULT LEADER KARL “We’ve tried everything, from egging his houses to eating vegetables, and we still haven’t done much damage.
JANJALANI Don’t worry though, we will never back down! I’M WILLING TO EAT A MILLION VEGETABLES AS LONG
AS IT’S FOR JUSTICE!” I am unsure why they are eating vegetables for justice.
& THE KOBRAS

On a lighter note, Crazy Dan, the local psycho, has been repeatedly trying to kill himself these past few days
to no avail. Among the things he has tried are running into a wall, stopping his breathing and looking directly
at the sun. “I think there’s something wrong with the sun,” he says. I’m pretty sure it’s not the sun that has a
problem, Crazy Dan.

That’s all I have for this issue!

>> RIGHT:
XOXO TOWN NUTJOB, CRAZY DAN
You know you love me.

X IT! MAGAZINE
the royal hottie,
exposed!
by Javi Benitez
In the midst of Ithaca, a beautiful white flower is in demand! Everyone
knows the Queen of Ithaca, Penelope, has been sought after for decades.
“Hundreds of the men, following me everywhere, it’s crazy!” she says. We
all know that she has only room for one person in her heart and he is
her long lost King, Odysseus who had been gone for nearly 20 years
now. However, she was rumored to have had a slight crush on Antinoos.

Penelope is well-bred by her family. She’s very gentle amongst her people
and is often referred to as the “White Flower” of the city since she has a
pure of heart, or so we thought. I myself had heard of this rumor from a
friend. He said that he heard it from the brother of his mother's friend's
cousin's uncle's son. He said that that son heard Penelope shouting from
inside her room "Odysseus! Where are you? For so long I have waited,
and your departure deeply saddens me. If you do not return soon, I fear I
will have to give my heart to Antinoos, he who is fair in both appearance
and intelligence. Oh he is so handsome, I fear I will love him as much as I
have loved you and lay in bed with him to ease my suffering." Truly
scandalous, the fairytale princess everyone believed to have been a
model of loyalty was heard lusting for someone else other than her >> ABOVE: ALL THE BOYS GO
husband! GAGA FOR PENELOPE!

“Hundreds of the men, following me

everywhere, it’s crazy!” - Penelope
To expand more on Ithaca's White Flower, she has a son named Telemachus who is going through puberty. Telemachus had
been beside his mother after Odysseus left, but he himself had not heard of his mother's feelings towards Antinoos. Truly
intriguing, is this rumor really a fact, or is it just as it is called, a rumor? Penelope is the center of attention in the city.
Everyone wants to marry her for 2 reasons, one she’s hot and two she’s hot. I’m sure that most people know that she’s also
rich, but being hot is the main reason why a lot of people lust after her. I myself would give up my house to sleep with her in
bed even though I already have a wife. Speaking of rich, she just bought a 70 foot yacht just for Telemachus. Penelope just
loves her son too much. She takes care of his welfare. She really is a very caring and supportive figure. No wonder she is
such in demand!

In my interview with Odysseus on his take on this rumor, he said "Wow, that guy who spread this rumor really has guts! I
wouldn't dare think of my wife cheating on me or lusting on others because I far exceed many men, especially Antinoos on
every aspect." In another interview with the suitors before they died, they said "Antinoos, that lucky bastard! He only has to
wait, surely Odysseus will never return." But as we interviewed Penelope, she refused to expound on this matter, stating that
she would never cheat on her husband, but guilt was evident on her face. So, would you believe this rumor? Or do you think
that brother of my friend's mother's friend's cousin's uncle's son just made it up?

IT! MAGAZINE XI
 the
homecoming
rant
by Seanius of Ocher
If you’re a true blood Ithacan, or at least have good connections,
you’ve probably heard of Odysseus’s homecoming.
You may know the full story, but here’s a summary. In short, twenty
years ago, Odysseus was the king of Ithaca, and he had a wife
Penelope and a little son Telemachus. Life was good for him for a
while, that is, until he had to join the Trojan War and leave his family
behind. He spent ten years battling the Trojans, and he was the
hero of the war, devising a cunning plan which led the Greeks to
victory. He thought he was going to get back home, but life had
other plans for him. He and his companions went on a really long
journey to home, getting drugged, cursed, eaten, sacked (they were
supposed to sack a city but got sacked instead) and turned into
pigs along the way. It’s a long story. Anyway, he returned around a
week ago, and proceeded to massacre 90% of Ithaca’s “Next
Generation,” who were hanging around in his house, eating up
(literally) his household. Now, our king is back, but the majority of
our male population is pretty much, no scratch that, dead gone
(sorry, bad pun). Granted, I didn’t like half of them anyway, but the
question remains. Was it worth it? Is it justified?

We here in Ithaca are left with a puzzling situation. We only have senior
>> ABOVE: ODYSSEUS citizen men and gays (and the rare not interested in Penelope type, like
SHOULD’VE STAYED GONE! me) left so the female population outnumbers the male, 3:1, according to
The Ithacan Bureau of Censuses and Statistics. Consider the implications
for a moment. One, we have almost no leaders left for tomorrow, unless our society goes all Amazon (the remaining male
population and I agree on a resounding no). Two, unless we still have allies, in a war, we’ll get devoured easily. I’m upset thinking
about it. Where was Odysseus’s foresight in this debacle?

I’m sure that Odysseus was really pissed and all about seeing his resources and everything get turned to squat by a bunch of
freeloaders, but was cold-blooded murder really the best thing that he could do, especially as a ruler? Okay, I’m just going to say
that if that happened to me, I would probably brutally murder them as well, but I’m not the king here. Odysseus is. He, of all
people, should be the one to think of our land’s welfare instead of his. He should have just let them (most of them at least) go,
but with some punishment like cleaning duties, harsh taxes or so. Anything would have been good, just not killing! Forgive and
forget right?

I have now lost faith in our king. He no longer shows that he is fit to lead this land, so I say, impeach him! Give him a taste of his
own medicine. We need a new ruler around these parts, one who knows how to actually put his country over self. Oh, wait.
Odysseus killed them all. Right. What a great guy! I hope he gets hit on the head while getting out of bed, and dies of course.

Yours truly,

Seanius of Ocher
XII IT! MAGAZINE
 quiz: which Greek
god are you?
by Aldrich Mayoralgo
1. If you could have one power, what 5. Taste in guys/girls? How do you like 9. Who are your friends?
would it be? them?
A. I have minions.

A. Air and lightning
A. Anyone who looks nice… my
B. Fish and assorted underwater

B. Water
power can get them
creatures

C. Dead stuff
B. Nymph-like
C. They're dead.

D. The power to get my spouse to
C. Dark or a goth chick
D. My spouse's friends are mine too.


stop cheating on me
D. I only want one
E. I have my own group.

E. A bow and arrow are enough
E. I like being single, sorry.
F.Yeah! A lot!

F. Fire and heat
F. HOT
G. I'm well-connected.

G. Stealing things
G. Anyone I guess. They're all nice
H. Party people

H. Making my enemies insane
H. Ones who like to party
I. Farmers

I. Plants
I. As long as he/she likes cereal
J. Nerds

J. Big brain
J. Ones who have strong wits
K. I'm too ugly for friends.

K. Being able to build anything
K. Why would they want me?
L. Friends? I kill people!

L. Super-strength
L. Tough
M. My lovers

M. Power to sway minds with
M. Anyone handsome/pretty


appearance 10. If a guy offends you, what do you do
6. Where would you be found most? to get back?
2. In class/work, what would you
A. On my throne
A. I smite him.
consider yourself to be?
B. The beach
B. I summon an earthquake to swallow

A. The Boss
C. Graveyard :(

him up.

B. Unpredictable
D. With my significant other
C. I send him to Tartarus.

C. Loner or the Emo Kid
E. Forest
D. Well, I have a lot of experience with

D. Jealous type
F. At a concert

this…

E. 'Forever single'
G. Anywhere. I travel.
E. I turn him into a bear.

F. The guy who sings at random
H. At a party
F. I burn him to a crisp.


moments
I. Fields
G. I steal all his stuff.

G. Class-clown
J. Library
H. I send grape vines to strangle him.

H. Life of the Party
K. The forge
I. I throw fruits at him.

I. Environmentalist
L. Battlefield
J. I use my wits to get back at him.

J. Nerd or The Brains
M. The mall (or market)
K. I send my self-made robots to

K. Outcast

mangle him.

L. Bully 7. What is your hobby?
L. I fight him. One on one. Then I kill

M. Everyone's Crush
A. Picking up chicks

him.

B. Swimming
M. Uhhh, I sleep with him?
3. What's your dream job?
C. Talking to corpses

A. Head of a company
D. Oh, nothing. IF YOU GOT MOSTLY...

B. Sailor
E. Hunting

C. Grave-digger
F. Playing my guitar
A you are Zeus

D. Housewife or househusband
G. Running

E. Hunter
H. Getting drunk B you are Poseidon

F. Musician or doctor
I. Gardening C you are Hades

G. Thief! or anything else…
J. Reading D you are Hera

H. Wine-maker
K. Building E you are Artemis

I. Farmer
L. Fighting F you are Apollo

J. Scholar
M. Putting on make-up G you are Hermes

K. Blacksmith H you are Dionysus

L. Soldier 8. Describe yourself. I you are Demeter

M. Hairstylist or beautician
A. Powerful J you are Athena

B. Moody
K you are Hephaestus
4. What would you want as a pet?
C. Mysterious

A. Eagle
D. Jealousy-prone L you are Ares

B. Horse
E. Chaste M you are Aphrodite

C. Dog
F. Cool

D. Cow or peacock
G. Random

E. Deer
H. Fun

F. Raven
I. Caring

G. Snake
J. Wise

H. Leopard
K. Friendly

I. Lion
L. War-like

J. Owl
M. Hot

K. Robot

L. Boar

M. Swan

IT! MAGAZINE XIII

 crossword
puzzle!
by Aldrich Mayoralgo

Answers
on next
page!

© Jerome Lim

XIV IT! MAGAZINE

 Answers! (No peeking ;) )
© Bernell Go

IT! MAGAZINE XIII