c
 



  

By Lisa Christine Christiansen

We depend on the loved ones in our

life for so much. In fact, a large part
of our sense of well-being is derived
from our perception of the state of
the relationships with those closest to
us both emotionally and physically.
Thus, if those relationships are
"÷
÷", we tend to be "÷
÷"
and if those relationships are "",
"÷
", or "
"...well, then, we
tend to mirror those negative states
as well.

That being the case, are we just mere victims to the whims of emotion and
the circumstances or situations in which we find ourselves and our
partnerships? Or can we take a more direct control of this symbiosis and
reverse engineer it...fix ourselves in order to fix our relationships with the
others in our lives?

The answer to all of those questions is actually, "| ."

| , we are victims to a certain extent because as much as we would like, we just

can't control
and
÷. Yet, " " has such a negative
connotation, the mere mention or suggestion of the term in relation to ourselves,
often makes us cringe or immediately get defensive. But what is the real definition -
the unemotional definition - of the word ' '?

Of course, one definition of ' ' indicates p
p


 p 

  . On the other hand, another definition of ' ' is merely:  
p  p    p   
 p  
 
  
p  . º  



÷

If a victim is merely an " 

 
 
" who has suffered from some "

 

 
 ", then I am sure we have all been " " at some point in our
existence. The question then becomes,  
 p    
 p p 

  
 p     p?
Knowing of course, that when this happens,      
 p !

First of all, you need to understand that  that is happening to you -
and ÷
÷

÷
   -   By "
 ", I mean it has
both  and  
 . So, if you are experiencing these "

 

 
 " in your relationships, if handled properly, the recognition of this
situation - and the willingness to address it and work at making it better - can
actually radically transform your partnership for the better!

o, how is this done?

A lot of experts preach " 
" as the key to 


 


÷ . And while communication is a vital and necessary part of this
relationship transformation, it really just helps to get at the heart of the issues -
clarifying and validating the victimization that has occurred. But then it becomes,
"...÷
?"

      p    


 adverse circumstances  p   p 
 


 pp      ! 
pp     "
    
  #

That being the case, here are 4 simple, action-oriented, steps to taking your
relationships from "  " to " 
 ":

D
   
 
There is a reason you and your partner got together. Something about each of you
attracted you to the other. When is the last time you actually sat down and tried to
inventory all the things you like (or even , past-tense) about each other instead
of constantly cataloging what is "
"?   p
 
 pp       p 

 p p 
   p
 sually, this exercise is
 very eye-opening and often, you find out more about yourself than your partner
based on his/her responses. For example, you might not have even realized that you
had lost your playful side that your partner used to love so much. As a result, he
stopped teasing you in the living manner that you once adored. *    
 $    p   p    p adverse
circumstances 
  pp  
   
victim  
 

A
   


By no means am I condoning letting a partner mistreat or abuse you. And by no
stretch of the imagination am I saying that your life should be spent in total service
of your partner if you are not receiving equal - or close to equal - effort. But again,
think back to the beginning of your relationship...  sually, in the beginning, we are
eager to "" things for the object of our affection. We are not near as consumed
with what we are getting back but are more elated by what we can offer to make
ourselves more attractive (and I am not talking about physical attraction here) in our
partner's eyes. In a "" relationship, this was usually the experience of both
persons (º  
 
  ÷ 
    ÷ 
 


÷ 
  ÷

 ÷

 


÷


 ! 


÷




 
"
"  ÷
  
 
 
÷

 ). Ô    !    p

    
   selfless kindness   % 
  
% p   & do    
p   ' p

 
 p  

   
(     p  p  
   happy 

  
Every recovery program that exists starts with    . What are you holding
onto, on a daily basis that is affecting your relationship with your partner? What
have you NOT forgiven?   
 
 p   
 pp  
   p!p  )
 
     
 p p p  

   p  p     

  
 p   I am 99.9% convinced,
for everything you are "

" about - or holding onto resentment for - because of
the way the universe works, something  came from that " 
 "
occurrence. (    p 
  )  p
  
  p 
  good  p
p 
   p       p  
   
  p 

p  " 
 p 
p 
 p*    
  p 

   p        

  

A
 A     !D
"#  $%& 

'(A 
All of us have our own " 

 " and scientists have documented over and
over that these languages are as diverse as the languages spoken by different
countries. Furthermore, this is not a "
#

 " versus a "
#

 "
thing. Just as there a hundreds of dialects for the "

" languages spoken in the
world, each individual has their own " 

 
 " as well. What makes
you feel " " by someone else (and of course, we find it much easier to " "
when we are feeling " ")? Is it hearing your partner say, " love you," or
maybe, it¶s when your partner does an act for you such as putting a straw in your
beverage or cleaning your home? Is it getting random poems, notes in your
briefcase, or when your partner praises you for your efforts and expresses
gratitude? & p 
  
  

   
"  
 p 

      


     +p  
      

 p   
 p ) p 

 It is proven that a partner who meets at least three of his/her partner's
highest valued needs creates so much " " as a response from their partner that it
borders on obsession. Now be careful with that knowledge because obsession breeds
rejection and rejection breeds obsession. It can be a vicious cycle.   
  
 'p ,
,
     p
 p  p 
p