The Myth of the Pink Dragon

In a land far far away and in a time before Cookout and Chick-Fil-A, there lived a small
village filled with simple people with simple tastes and lives. The town was called Philville, in
honor of the late King Philip (or Phil if you were his friend). Life was perfect for the
townspeople of Philville, their horses were fast, their castle protected them, their crops yielded
fruitful harvests of corn and Starbursts. The town had one small problem though, well to be
honest it was more of a very large, flying, pink problem. Their problem was the villainous pink,
dragon that roamed the hills of Rileyland (named after King Phillip’s favorite dog, Riley). Alas,
pink flames engulf the land of Philville! Where is a hero? A savior? King Joe (Phil’s son) sends a
decree out ordering all heroes, knights, and even semi-heroic farmers to go fight and vanquish
the pink dragon (who the villagers fondly named Fuffles). Thus emerges our semi-idiotic hero
Michael Scott and his side kick, Dwight.

“Ah Dwight, here we are, standing in front of the great castle of Philville! We must go inside and
find King Joe and tell him that we are willing and ready to slay the dragon that has tortured this
land for ages.” said Michael,

“How exactly do you plan on slaying the dragon?” asked Dwight with a look of confused
befuddlement on his face.

“Dwight, you simple, idiotic fool. My teacher in school said that there were no stupid questions,
you have made me question this philosophy entirely. Please do not pester me with anymore
irrelevant questions that I will not waste my time by answering.” retorted Michael

“So what you’re saying is that you don’t know how you are going to kill it?” responded Dwight
with an innocent look in Michael’s direction.

“SILENCE, I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCE ANY

LONGER!!!!!” screamed Michael. The pair of heroes than walked into the great hall of the
castle. Dozens of knights, thieves, archery men, generals, tacticians, and princes filled the
gigantic room. Our two bumbling heroes stuck out like a sore thumb in this setting. They were
dressed in plain clothing, that they had not washed in weeks, their hair was long and matted from
not showering, and their beards were big enough to hide a small chicken leg in. Whereas all of
the knights and soldiers were dressed in the finest, most beautiful sets of armor. Their swords
were sharp and shining from being polished, they were all lean and muscular. Michael and
Dwight were not noticed until they were standing at the throne of the rather large, King Joe.

“ Why are you here?” asked the robust King Joe.

“We have come to answer the call of duty to our country sent out by your decree your highness.”
Answered a prideful looking Michael.

“Oh that right, see Sir Freddy on your way out. He will give you directions to the dragon’s lair,
and he will write down your wills that will be sent to your family. Good day.” Said the King
dismissively as he waved his chicken bone at the duo. With that the pair of friends walked out of
the palace, they stopped by Sir Freddy, acquired directions, and some very feeble looking swords
and coats of armor. They rented two brown, short looking horses, and they were off on their
grand adventure to kill Fuffles.

They traversed past the green plains of the countryside, they stopped at towns and villages along
the way. They met several people who were also on a the royal quest. They met Bonny, a middle
aged woman who owned an inn in a town near the coast. She had left her inn behind in search of
adventure and excitement (translation she was having a mid-life crisis and thought a 4 ton, flame
shooting, hungry dragon would cure it). They met Will, a teenage boy who had run away from
home to kill the dragon to prove to his crush that he was much stronger and more macho than her
current boyfriend who was the star of the jousting team. Last but certainly not least, was Peter
Von Lichtenshtien, who was a reporter from a far away land who was in pursuit of a big story to
land a huge contract from his boss. (Peter was eventually mauled by a cow and spent the rest of
the story in a hospital).

“Hey Mike, can we stop in this town to rest some?” asked Dwight who was about to pass out
from exhaustion from traveling for hours.

“Very well, but we are only 50 miles away from the lair of the fearsome, ferocious Fuffles.”
replied Michael. With that the dynamic duo walked into the restaurant, “Dragon’s Den” and sat
down in the corner booths.

“I’ll have the extra large, heart attack burger with extra dragon’s blood on it.” Said Dwight.
“And I will have two of what he is having, we have to bulk up for the battle against Fuffles.”
Said Michael to the waitress. The waitress dropped the tray of drinks, people stopped talking,
everyone was quiet at the mention of Fuffles. Every head turned to the Michael and Dwight.

“If you value your lives you’ll turn around and won’t go anywhere near that lair.” Whispered one
villager at the bar.

“If you value the lives of the people of this town you won’t go either. When Fuffles is attacked
he strikes back, and we are the last village in this region that he hasn’t burnt to pieces. By the
looks of ya you won’t defeat him either, we’ve seen entire legions of the most fierce warriors
you’ve ever seen go to do battle with that dragon, and not single one has come back.” Growled a
burly looking farmer who was staring Michael and Dwight in the eyes.

“Hey Dwight, let’s get out of here.” Michael and Dwight hauled out of there as fast as they
could. Bottles, cups, plates, and knives hit the door as they closed it.

“THEIR TRYING TO ATTACK FUFFLES!!!!!” yelled the villagers from the bar. When the rest
of the townspeople heard this they all started running at the duo all armed with pitchforks or
shovels or whatever they could get their hands on.

“RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN MICHAEL RUNNNNNNN!!!!” Screamed Dwight.

“We have to get to the horses Dwight.” Panted an out of breath Michael. Our heros rounded one
corner and were met by a mob of angry villagers. They made another left and were met by more
villagers. Left, right, right, left, right, left, the duo ran until they stumbled upon their two horses.
They hopped on and spurred the beasts on as hard as they could. They barely out ran the
villagers who were now brandishing swords and spears.

“We lost all of our weapons and supplies, we’re gonna have to turn around and go to the nearest
town to get more supplies for our journey and battle.” Said Michael.

“The nearest town that won’t try to kill us is a one week journey. It will be a huge delay.” Said
Dwight.

“Well we can’t fight the dragon that has eaten hundreds of knights and soldiers without any
weapons or armor can we?” Countered Michael.

“Fine, the nearest town is Scoville. It is far enough from Fuffles lair that they won’t try to stop us
from going, and they will aid us and help us out.” Said Dwight.
Our heros ventured through Scoville, and stocked up on supplies to fight the fearsome dragon.
They acquired swords, spears, armor, food, bows, and knives. Every person that they
encountered warned them.

“Do not go near the Black Mountain,” warned one weary farmer who was tending to his crops.

“Not one person who has dared to go up the steep cliff that leads to the dragon’s lair has lived to
tell the tale.” Said one bartender.

“Y’all dumb for doing that.” Said one rather brazen soldier.

Nevertheless, Dwight and Michael continued their dangerous, and somewhat reckless journey.
They battled bandits, wild animals, hunger, cold, frustration, and horse accidents. They walked
countless miles upon mountainous ranges, cold, lonely plains, and rather depressing towns.
Every town that they passed at this point had been touched by the scorching flames of Fuffles the
dragon. Houses were turned into ashes, crops had been razed, and the sky was perpetually dark,
and ashy due to the fact that Fuffles burnt down scores of towns and forests. The air was putrid
from the smoke, and you could not see twenty feet in front of you.

The heros fought off a score of unlikely dangers, such as snakes with the wings of eagles,
alligators with the legs of horses, and hippos with face of lions.

“What are all these unearthly creatures?” asked a very befuddled Dwight.

“We live in country where a dragon terrorizes towns and hamlets, are you honestly very
surprised that there is hippo lions running?” answered Michael.

No one expected the duo to make it one mile into the part of the mountains that contained these
foul creatures. But they did pass that mile, and they passed another mile, and another, and
another, and another until they had battled hundreds of the crossbreed animals that roamed the
mountains. They passed the remains of many a knight who had thought that he would vanquish
the dragon. They passed many soldiers who thought it would be an adventure. They passed many
people like themselves, who were living in poverty and needed the reward money.

“Man, seeing all these people who have failed and been killed is not very encouraging.” said a
fearful Dwight.

“Do not fear Dwight, we will overcome the dragon and vanquish the plague that has ruined our
fair land for years.” replied a very cocky, arrogant Michael.
“I mean I hope you’re right, but we have passed hundreds of warriors who are far better
equipped and skilled to fight dragons than we are, and we haven’t even made it to the lair of
Fuffles!” said Dwight, who did not seem to believe Michael.

“If you do not trust me than we should turn back now because there is no chance that we can beat
the mighty beast if we do not even trust each other.” said Michael quite fiercely.

“No no no, we have made it this far, we should just keep moving on.” answered Dwight.

Thus, the unlikely heroes continued to venture deeper into the mountains that were filled with
fog, and smoke. At this point there was discarded shields, spears, swords, bows and arrows, and
many more supplies scattered all about them. The mountains had turned to sharp, jagged rocks
that were near impassable. The ground was hard, and black with ash and burnt remains. The
friends barely said a word to each other, they were terrified. Any sensable person would be
scared, every now and then the duo would hear a roar from the Black Mountain (the name that
the villagers around the mountains had bestowed upon the lair of Fuffles). Some of the knights
that they had seen on the road, or in the hall of the King were walking back towards home.

“What are you doing? The dragon is that!” said Michael.

“Look around ya, the land is desolate, the sky is gray, the sun cannot be seen, knights and
warriors all around us have been killed, anyone who thinks that they can conquer Fuffles is a
fool.” replied a very discouraged, and hopeless knight.

Nevertheless Michael and Dwight walked and walked forwards. They reached the base of Black
Mountain, and stared up. The mountain seemed to go on forever. They began their journey
upwards with a very hesitant look backwards. They climbed and climbed, their exhaustion had
reached heights as tall as the mountain they wearily climbed. They passed multitudes of
skeletons, suits of armor with not inhabitants, scattered swords, daggers, spears, axes, lances, and
shields. Each of our heroes were having sporadic episodes of self-doubt, and fear. Yet, they
continued on their fateful journey and continued the rise on the desolate mountain.

“How much longer until we get to the top?” asked Dwight.

“Only a little bit further bud.” replied Michael.

“I don’t know how much longer I can walk.” said an incredibly exhausted Dwight.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be there in a couple of minutes.” said Michael.

They arrived at the top of the mountain, and found themselves to be at the mouth of a dark and
depressing cave. There were dozens of skeletons here, scorched earth and rocks were all around
them.

“I’m starting to think that this whole adventure thing was a huge mistake.” said Dwight as he
was literally trembling with fear and anxiety.

“Well we are already here, so let’s just finish the job.” replied Michael, who was trying to seem
courageous and valiant, but was just as fearful as Dwight on the inside.

They ventured, cautiously, to the mouth of the cave. As they got closer and closer they began to
smell a hideous stench of smoke and sulfur that made them gag and choke. Suddenly a great
flurry of pink movement ran across their line of sight. They both fell backwards and scrambled
to get as far away as possible from the great beast that was coming towards them. From the
mouth of the cave rose an animal so large that it covered the sun.

The pink scales were as large as the shields that were scattered about the land, it seemed
like the wings stretched across a football field, the eyes were as large as the most valuable rubies
and diamonds in the kingdom. Even the dragon’s breath was as hot as fire, and scorched the
ground it touched. It rose up spat out a line of white hot fire at the two warriors. Michael rolled t
the left, and Dwight dove to the right.

“WHAT SHOULD WE DO??!!?!?!?!??” screamed Dwight.

“I SEE A HOLE IN IT’S SCALES IN THE NECK, TRY TO HIT!!!” yelled back Michael.

The two heroes rap, sprinted, rolled, dove, and jumped to avoid the fatal fire of the Fuffles. They
worked their way closer and closer to him, desperate to end the madness that dragon was
causing. Each of our heroes threw spears and daggers trying to slay the beast. Michael worked
his way up onto a rocky ledge and was in prime position.

“Dwight, you need to get his attention and draw him over here, and than I’ll get him to look at
me and then I will jump and you will throw me that sword and I’ll kill it!!!” shouted Michael.

With this in mind, they set their plan into action. Dwight yelled and screamed and clanged his
sword against the shields to draw it’s attention. Michael settled into his final position and got
ready to pounce.

“NOW DWIGHT!!!!” he screamed.

Our hero leapt from his position, while our other hero threw the sword. Michael grabbed the
sword in mid-air, Fuffles turned to face this opponent who was bothering him exposing the one
weakness in his armor. Michael plunged the blade into the beast with one fateful swoop. The fire
and the roaring ceased immediately. Fuffles fell to the ground at once, with one, enormous crash
that made the earth shake. The smoke lifted, the smell left, the feeling of dread, fear, and sadness
that had haunted the land for so long was gone.

“We did it, we actually did it Michael.” said a very astonished Dwight.

“Yes we did my friend, of course there was never a doubt in my mind that we could. So I’m not
very surprised.” said Michael, who was shaking with excitement.

“What do we do now?” asked Dwight.

“Well we go collect the reward and live out our days in luxury of course you imbecile.
Sometimes you just say the weirdest things Dwight, sometimes.” answered Michael as he shook
his head in disappointment.

On that note, our dynamic duo, triumphant team, heroic heroes, and favorite friends rode off
towards the castle in a PT Cruiser that they found among Fuffles loot.

 
 

THE END