College English Paper 2.

docx
by Trevor Goehring

Submission date: 24-Feb-2018 04:23PM (UT C-0600)

Submission ID: 920783721
File name: College English Paper 2.docx (15.58K)
Word count: 1395
Character count: 6932
 I
t
h
a
s
? Proof read
C/S W
e
t
a
l
k
e Great quote, but it
d doesn't actually
a show the idea that
b play helps social
o and emotional
u learning, like the
t previous sentence
g suggests.
i
Strong intro and thesis! v
i
n
g
e
vMissing ","
i
stud d
Missing ","
ents e
No "," n
c
e
o
f
t
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i
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a
 takes

No ","

What is the
percentage of
readers in
kindergarten
today?

Missing ","

Frag.

Overall, this paragraph certainly supports the

idea that Brown is right, but it doesn't obviously
support your thesis focus on experience. What 1
was Curwood's experience with kindergarten?
Since your thesis focuses on experience, your
paragraphs would be more cohesive and
expected if you were to mention experience,
too. That doesn't mean you have to get rid of
 Missing ","

At least in the school where Brown was

researching. That's probably no the norm.
Frag.

Missing ","
2

Missing ","

Good analysis of
what you learned
during play time!

Missing ","

Frag.
 students

But it also supports the idea that play can

be a learning experience. Make that clear.

Missing ","

Alt hough/However

And what is this research? A quick

reference would be sufficient. Or you
could take this sentence out. You don't
Possessive need it to make your point.
Conclusion? Your naysayer isn't you conclusion,
and a strong conclusion leaves the reader with a
strong sense of your argument and the usefulness
of that argument.
It al.

Don't forget dates of access for

online sources!
It al.
date of publication?
College English Paper 2.docx
ORIGINALITY REPORT

15 %
SIMILARIT Y INDEX
13%
INT ERNET SOURCES
7%
PUBLICAT IONS
15%
ST UDENT PAPERS

PRIMARY SOURCES

1
www.eric.ed.gov
Int ernet Source 4%
2
Submitted to Northwest-Shoals Community
College
3%
St udent Paper

3
mvcprofsong.weebly.com
Int ernet Source 3%
4
Submitted to North Harris Montgomery
Community College District
2%
St udent Paper

5
Submitted to St. Joseph High School
St udent Paper 2%
6
Submitted to Trident Technical College
St udent Paper 1%

Exclude quotes Of f Exclude matches Of f

Exclude bibliography Of f
College English Paper 2.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT

FINAL GRADE GENERAL COMMENTS

/100 Instructor

T revor,

Nice work on this essay! You deliver a solid

argument with some strong analysis of you own
experience. A f ew changes to small structural
issues, grammar, and the conclusion would bring the
quality up to the next level, though.

But f irst, let me clarif y that I am looking at the larger

areas of structure, content, grammar/language, and
citation and organizing my comments by that.

Structure: Sometimes, your paragraphs could be

stronger if broken into multiple paragraphs. T he
most obvious example of this is the paragraph on
your own experience (see the comments f or revision
suggestions), but the paragraph about your brother
might also be a good one to restructure.

Content: T his is pretty solid. T he logic of your

rebuttal to the naysayer is a little weak, but nothing
major.

However, you don't have a conclusion right now.

T his is the area that most harm your grade since
"conclusion" is actually a category on the rubric.
Was there a reason f or this?

Grammar: While your sentences are pretty easy to

read and you make your point clearly, you do have
some language error patterns. For example, you
f requently skip commas af ter introductory phrases
and clauses. You also have a lot of f ragment
sentences that begin with "which," indicating that this
word is a trigger f or you and of ten leads to
f ragments. Keep that in mind as you write in the
f uture!

Citation: Your citation looks pretty good. Just a f ew

 little changes on the Works Cited page are in order.

All in all, even if you change nothing else, add a

conclusion and work on the major grammar errors
here in revision. Overall, though, this is a solid paper!

PAGE 1

Text Comment. It has? We talked about giving evidence of this or a quick example to quiet
those who might disagree.

QM Proof read

QM C/S
Comma splice:
A sentence must have both a subject and a main verb in order to be complete, but it cannot
have more than one subject or main verb. A comma splice is a variety of run-on sentence that
occurs when two complete sentences, each with its own subject and verb, are joined mistakenly
by a comma. T here are generally three methods of correcting this problem: 1) Replace the
comma with a stronger mark of punctuation such as a period or semicolon, 2) use a
coordinating conjunction ("and," "but," "or," "nor") to join the two constructions, or 3) make one
of the two sentences a dependent construction by linking it to the other with a subordinating
conjunction ("if ," "when," "so that," "although," "because") or relative pronoun ("that," "which,"
"who," "whom," "whose").

Text Comment. Great quote, but it doesn't actually show the idea that play helps social
and emotional learning, like the previous sentence suggests.

Text Comment. Strong intro and thesis!

QM Missing ","
Missing comma:
T hough it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent a
misreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word that
is logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to your
reader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin with
words like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone was
f ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would be
conf using.

Text Comment. students

 QM Missing ","
Missing comma:
T hough it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent a
misreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word that
is logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to your
reader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin with
words like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone was
f ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would be
conf using.

QM No ","
Unnecessary comma:
Commas have a wide variety of uses: setting of f introductory phrases, separating items in lists,
separating adjectives, enclosing appositives, and preceding coordinating conjunctions that are
used to join two complete thoughts. However, commas should not be used alone to join two
complete thoughts or to unnecessarily break apart long sentences. Caref ul comma usage is
necessary to avoid conf using your readers.

PAGE 2

Text Comment. takes

QM No ","
Unnecessary comma:
Commas have a wide variety of uses: setting of f introductory phrases, separating items in lists,
separating adjectives, enclosing appositives, and preceding coordinating conjunctions that are
used to join two complete thoughts. However, commas should not be used alone to join two
complete thoughts or to unnecessarily break apart long sentences. Caref ul comma usage is
necessary to avoid conf using your readers.

Text Comment. What is the percentage of readers in kindergarten today?

QM Missing ","
Missing comma:
T hough it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent a
misreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word that
is logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to your
reader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin with
words like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone was
f ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would be
conf using.

QM Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
 dawn."

Text Comment. Overall, this paragraph certainly supports the idea that Brown is right, but
it doesn't obviously support your thesis f ocus on experience. What was Curwood's experience
with kindergarten? Since your thesis f ocuses on experience, your paragraphs would be more
cohesive and expected if you were to mention experience, too. T hat doesn't mean you have to
get rid of Curwood's strong stats; it just means that you could place those stats in the context
of Curwood's experience trying to decide what was best f or her son.

Comment 1
Keep this paragraph f ocused on Curwood's ideas. Save this f or a dif f erent paragraph or delete
it. Doing so will keep your paragraph more f ocused f rom beginning to end.

PAGE 3

QM Missing ","
Missing comma:
T hough it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent a
misreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word that
is logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to your
reader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin with
words like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone was
f ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would be
conf using.

Text Comment. At least in the school where Brown was researching. T hat's probably no
the norm.

QM Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
dawn."

QM Missing ","
Missing comma:
T hough it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent a
misreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word that
is logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to your
reader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin with
words like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone was
f ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would be
conf using.

Comment 2
 T his point seems awkward and unexpected until a reader gets to the end of the paragraph.
How could you smooth that over?

I'd suggest making this two paragraphs. T he f irst would be short and would simply explain how
dif f erent your recess time was f rom Brown's essay. T he second would have a topic sentence
that states you see evidence that Brown is right about the type of learning that can happen
during play. T hen, you would analyze what you learned playing sports with your f riends, like you
already do.

T hese changes are minor, but they would help you create a more systematic and logical
progression f or your argument.

QM Missing ","
Missing comma:
T hough it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent a
misreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word that
is logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to your
reader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin with
words like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone was
f ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would be
conf using.

Text Comment. Good analysis of what you learned during play time!

QM Missing ","
Missing comma:
T hough it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent a
misreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word that
is logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to your
reader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin with
words like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone was
f ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would be
conf using.

QM Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
dawn."

PAGE 4

Text Comment. students

 Text Comment. But it also supports the idea that play can be a learning experience. Make
that clear.

QM Missing ","
Missing comma:
T hough it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent a
misreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word that
is logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to your
reader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin with
words like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone was
f ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would be
conf using.

QM Although/However
"Although" and "however" have become commonly conf used words. Remember that "although"
cannot be used as alone as an introductory phrase; "however" can. "Although" has to start an
introductory clause. For example:

"I'm glad you are both want to end cyber-bullying. However, we are straying f rom the topic."

I'm glad you both want to end cyber-bullying. Although many people are concerned about
this problem, it remains a serious threat on social media."

Strikethrough.

Text Comment. And what is this research? A quick ref erence would be suf f icient. Or you
could take this sentence out. You don't need it to make your point.

QM Possessive
T his word is possessive and needs an apostrophe.

Strikethrough.

PAGE 5

Text Comment. Conclusion? Your naysayer isn't you conclusion, and a strong conclusion
leaves the reader with a strong sense of your argument and the usef ulness of that argument.

PAGE 6

QM Ital.
Italicize
 Text Comment. Don't f orget dates of access f or online sources!

QM Ital.
Italicize

Text Comment. date of publication?