The DragonFly Garden

A Grief Support Group for Mothers Who Have Lost a Child

Rebecca Neal
Heidelberg University
 Purpose of The
DragonFly Garden
The purpose of this group is to bring together mothers of all kinds
from biological mothers, to foster mothers, to step mothers, to
grandmothers to come together on the journey they certainly did
c
not ask for in losing a child. The group is intended to help these
mothers who are grieving the recent loss of a child under the age of
eighteen within the past five years. The group is designed to unite
women just starting their grief journey at about 1-2 years and
women who have been on the journey longer at about 3-5 years.
 “Grief never
ends, but it
changes. It’s a c
passage, not
a place to
stay.”
 Rationale
When we speak of grief, rarely are we thinking of children. However, according to

the World Health Organization, in 2015, 5.9 million children under the age of 5

died, all across the globe (World Health Organization, 2016). In data retrieved

from the Centers for Disease Control, in c2014 in the United States alone 3,830

children aged 1-4 died, as well as 5,250 children aged 5-14 died (Centers for

Disease Control, 2016, pp.41-50). The loss of a child is something almost no one

expects or anticipates having to deal with, however, these statistics prove that

children dying is not a myth, though it is often spoken of that way.

 Dispelling the idea of
“Normal” Grief
When people experience a loss, a many emotions, feelings, and cognitions can be
experienced in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead.

c “Five Stages of Grief” Model, which was

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed her famous
incorrectly interpreted by many to suggest that all people go through these five stages,
in sequential order, and once Acceptance is reached, it is over.

Grief is conceptualized as a highly individualized experience, as unique to each person

and the loss experienced (Shallcross, 2009).
 c

The Five Stages of Grief Model:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
 Impact on Children
Depending on the age(s) of the surviving siblings, children will experience different grief
reactions to the loss of their sibling. According to Dickens, the loss of a sibling can be
even more profound in children, who do not necessarily have the ability to express and
process grief in the same way that adults do (2014, p.119).
c

This group seeks to help mothers make sense of their child’s grief reaction and to help
provide them with language to assist their surviving children in understanding what
has happened to their sibling. The group also includes interventions designed to
facilitate effective communication between different family members, which can be
strained following the trauma of the death of a sibling.
 Impact on Couples
Couples who survive the loss of their child as individuals may struggle to survive that loss as
a couple. Rosenblatt contends that when a child dies, parents are suddenly forced to
respond to the changes in themselves, individually, and as partners, and there is evidence to
suggest that these individuals often wind up divorcing
c following the death of their child.
(Rosenblatt, 2000, as cited by Albuquerque, Cunha, Ferreira, Narciso, and Pereira, 2017,
p.1817).

This group seeks to assist mothers who have survived the loss of their child in developing
healthy communication skills to use with their partners and other family members that may
also be grieving, thus putting even more complexity on their relationships.
 c

Grief & The Dragonfly

 Waterbugs & Dragonflies
This story describes a colony of waterbugs living below the still waters of a
pond. When one ventures up one day, never to return, the group vows that the
next to go up will come back down to tell the others what he saw. Another goes
c
up, finds it warm on the lily pad and doses off in the sun, only to wake up as a
dragonfly, unable to return to his friends below the water, unable to keep his
promise, knowing he would not be recognized anyway. The dragonfly flutters
off in his new body, “reborn” in death into a new creature.
Multicultural Implications
The grief reaction can look different according to the different
histories and cultures of the person(s) experiencing the loss.
Grief often inherently has an aspect
c of spirituality to it;
therefore counselors need to be sensitive to the various spiritual
and religious needs of their group members, particularly in a
group like this.
 Goal 1, Objectives
Goal 1: Group members will be more familiar with grief, what “normal” grief
is and the emotions and experiences that one might reasonably expect.
Objective 1: Define grief, loss, and bereavement and what these concepts
c
mean to the members.
Objective 2: Explore “stage” models (Kübler-Ross, etc.) and the benefits and
pitfalls to looking at grief in this way.
Objective 3: Explore emotions and physical reactions members can expect,
normalize their reactions; reject the notion of “abnormal” grief.
Objective 4: Group members will also learn improved coping skills to
manage intense emotions at all various stages of the grief journey.
 Goal 2, Objectives
Goal 2: Group members will have an improved relationship with their
surviving family members.
Objective 1: Group members will explore
c strategies to assist in effective
communication with loved ones following the loss of their child.
Objective 2: Group members will learn coping strategies and
communication skills to deal effectively with well-meaning friends and
family members who may not know exactly what to say.
Objective 3: Group members will learn skills to manage extra emotional
stress on their relationship with their partner or spouse, which can
experience great strain following the loss of a child.
 Goal 3, Objectives
Goal 3: Group members will explore ways to support themselves in
whatever stage of their journey they are in.
Objective 1: Group members will cexplore self-care options that make
them feel good, and will allow themselves permission to feel good.
Objective 2: Group members will explore humor and laughter in the
face of their grief.
Objective 3: Group members will explore their grief in the context of
spirituality.
Note: This is not necessarily religion, but may also include
mindfulness meditation and other forms of secular spirituality.
 Goal 4, Objectives
Goal 4: Participants will be encouraged to continue living their lives, not
free from grief, but with it.
Objective 1: Group members will
c discuss, even a little, future
opportunities, hopes and dreams for themselves and their families.
Objective 2: Group members will be empowered to explore other new
relationships that have meaning and purpose for them.
Objective 3: Group members will explore how their lives have been and
will change with the loss of their child.
 Logistics
The group will take place for 10-weeks, every Wednesday evening
from 7:00pm-8:00pm. The first 50 minutes will be group time, and
the last 10 minutes will be for wrap-up, Q&A, housekeeping
activities, etc.
c
The group will be limited to 10-14 participants, with an emphasis on
keeping an even number of members with the intention of pairing up
members as partners.
Ideally, half of the group membership will have passed the initial 3-5
years after the loss of their child, with the remaining membership
having lost their child more recently. The goal here is to pair
members up who have a fresher loss with those who have been living
with their grief longer.
 Location & Referrals
The group will be a closed, time-limited (10-weeks) group, with
referrals from local counseling agencies, churches, doctors’
c primary set of members for the
offices, and hospitals being the
group. The group will take place on campus at Heidelberg
University, ideally in Campus Center or Aigler Hall, as
recognizable, easily accessible buildings on campus.
 Screening
A screening process will be created to ensure that the people selected to participate in the group are
aware of the type of group that it is and the topics for discussion that will take place, noting the
possible intensity of the discussions.
Screenings will be conducted by phone to secure members who are most suited for the type of
group. The group is intended for adult mothers (age 18+) who have lost a child under the age of
eighteen within the past five years.
c
According to Bain, capturing a definition of the term “child” is complicated, therefore This includes
miscarriages, stillborn infants, and infants that died shortly after birth, as well as grandchildren,
stepchildren, and foster children, the losses of whom can all be traumatic to people who loved them
(2016).
It was decided to run the group for mothers only because discussions may sometimes lead to
complications in marriages and relationships, and the group sessions are not intended to serve as a
substitute for couples’ grief counseling.
 Flyers
Flyer-style advertisements will be placed in area hot-spots such as Phat
Cakes, Bailiwicks Coffee, Sabaidee Coffee, Tiffin-Seneca Public Library and
c
other area libraries, in area counseling agencies, at doctors’ offices,
hospitals, churches, and hospice organizations.
 The DragonFly Group Session 1
Topic: The DragonFly Garden Introduction
Time: 60 minutes
OBJECTIVE: The purpose of Session One is to introduce members to one another and
the group process.
ICEBREAKERS (25 minutes):
c
Introduction to Group and Group Members (10 minutes)
Confidentiality & Group Rules
Activity (25 minutes): “Waterbugs and Dragonflies” by Doris Stickney
WRAP UP, Q&A, HOUSEKEEPING (10 minutes)
 The DragonFly Group Session 2
Topic: Grief, Bereavement, & Mourning
Time: 60 minutes
OBJECTIVE: The objective of Session 2 is to explore the concepts of grief, bereavement,
and mourning, the ways people make sense of death (stage models).
Note: Tonight’s group has been cut a little shorter to allow for a decompression activity
after the Introductions of their child to the group.
c
ICEBREAKERS (15 minutes)
ACTIVITY (40 minutes): Kubler-Ross’s stage model, The Stages of Grief, The Tasks of
Grief, & My Stages of Grief
DISCUSSION (15 MINUTES)
INTRODUCTIONS TO CHILDREN
WRAP UP, Q&A, HOUSEKEEPING (15 minutes):
 The DragonFly Group Session 3
Topic: Grief, Bereavement, & Mourning
Time: 60 minutes
Topic: “Normal” Grief
Time: 60 minutes
OBJECTIVE: The objective for Session 3 iscto explore emotional and physical
reactions to grief and refute the idea of “normal” grief.
ICEBREAKER (20 minutes)- Grief Reactions Yes/No Card Flip
Activity (20 minutes): “Putting Sadness in a Circle” [Video link]
WRAP UP, Q&A, HOUSEKEEPING (10 minutes)
 The DragonFly Group Session 4
Topic: The First Year- Anniversaries
Time: 60 minutes
ICEBREAKERS (20 minutes)
ACTIVITY (30 minutes: 10 minute chapter recap; 20 minutes discussion)
c
WRAP UP, Q&A, HOUSEKEEPING (10 minutes)
 The DragonFly Group Session 5
Topic: Friends and Family Who “Mean Well” & Midgroup Evaluation
Time: 60 minutes
OBJECTIVE: The objective for Session 5 is to explore relationships with friends
and family members who “mean well” but may not know what to say.
c

ACTIVITIES: “Things People Say” (20 minutes)

DISCUSSION (20 minutes)
MID-GROUP EVALUATION (10 minutes)
WRAP UP, Q&A, HOUSEKEEPING (10 minutes)
 The DragonFly Group Session 6
Topic: Siblings and Grief
Time: 60 minutes
OBJECTIVE: Group members will explore strategies to assist in effective
communication with loved ones following the loss of their child.
c
ICEBREAKERS: THROUGH THEIR EYES (20 minutes)
ACTIVITY: Animal Family Projection (Adapted from Pam Dyson, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S)
(30 minutes)
WRAP UP, Q&A, HOUSEKEEPING (10 minutes)
 The DragonFly Group Session 7
Topic: Grief and Intimacy
Time: 60 minutes
OBJECTIVE: Group members will learn skills to manage extra emotional stress on
their relationship with their partner or spouse, which can experience great strain
c
following the loss of a child.
ICEBREAKERS: “I” Statements Worksheet (15 minutes)
ACTIVITY (35 minutes)
WRAP UP, Q&A, HOUSEKEEPING (10 minutes)
 The DragonFly Group Session 8
Topic: Self Care and Grief
Time: 60 minutes
OBJECTIVE: Group members will explore self-care options that make them feel
good, and will allow themselves permission to feel good.
c
ACTIVITIES:
Wellness Wheel and Self Care Discussion (30 minutes)
Using Humor to Cope With Grief (20 minutes) [Video link]
WRAP UP, Q&A, HOUSEKEEPING (10 minutes)
 The DragonFly Group Session 9
Topic: New Relationships and Grief
Time: 60 minutes
OBJECTIVE: Group members will be empowered to explore other new relationships
that have meaning and purpose for them.
c
ACTIVITY (50 minutes): Thai Burial Blanket craft
WRAP UP, Q&A, HOUSEKEEPING (10 minutes)
 The DragonFly Group Session 10
Topic: The DragonFly Garden Wrap-Up
Time: 60 minutes
OBJECTIVE: Group Wrap Up
ICEBREAKERS (10 minutes):
c by Doris Stickney .
Review the story: “Waterbugs and Dragonflies”
What does this story mean for you at the end of the group?
Have your thoughts about the story changed?
ACTIVITY:
Group Evaluation Form (10 minutes)
Termination (20 minutes)
WRAP UP, Q&A, HOUSEKEEPING (10 minutes)
 Group Evaluation
Have you ever received individual counseling? Y or N
Approximately how many group sessions have you attended? ___________
• Before I started group, my overall level of grief was
• 1 (best) 2 3 4 5 (worst)
• Now, after completing group, my overall level of grief is:
• 1 (best) 2 3 4 5 (worst)
• Before group, my understanding of grief has improved
• 1 (very true) 2 3 4 c 5 (not true at all)
• I feel I am better able to understand my grief emotions
• 1 (very true 2 3 4 5 (not true at all)
What was the most helpful part of the group? What was the least helpful?
What materials used in the group did you find most helpful? Least helpful? (E.g. handouts,
videos, poems, etc.)
Before you started the DragonFly Garden, how did you feel?
Now that you have completed the DragonFly Garden, how do you feel?
Would you recommend the DragonFly Garden to a friend? Y or N. (Describe? This step is
optional!)
 References
Bain, S. (2011). Grieving the ultimate grief. Counseling Today. Retrieved from
http://he.opal-libraries.org/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?
direct=true&db=oih&AN=57309182&site=ehost-live
Centers for Disease Control (2016). Deaths: Final data for 2014. National Vital Statistics
Report, 65(4).Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/
nvsr65/nvsr65_04.pdf
Dickens, N. (2014). Prevalence of complicated grief and posttraumatic stress disorder in children
c
and adolescents following sibling death. The Family Journal, 22(1), 119-126. doi:
101177/1066-480713505066
Kübler-Ross, E. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five
stages of loss. New York, NY: Scribner.
Mitchell, E. (2009). Beyond tears: Living after losing a child. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press
Shallcross, L. (2009). Rewriting the ‘rules’ of grief. Counseling Today. Retrieved from
https://ct.counseling.org/2009/09/rewriting-the-rules-of-grief/
World Health Organization. (2016). Children: reducing mortality. Retrieved from
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs178/en/
Thanks for Watching