The Confidence Code, Part 3
David Laing
David Laing is a hypnotherapist
and trainer. He has appeared
on radio, produced CDs and
multimedia products, and hosted
self-improvement and motivational
seminars.
He has worked alongside some of the
UK’s and Europe’s top organizations,
from senior managers and directors
to ancillary staff, and helped them
transform their people into confident,
efficient, successful individuals
and teams.
© Business Expert Press 978-1-63157-826-7 (2018)
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Abstract: In this final part of The Confidence Code, we
build further on the preceding parts to learn further
easy communication skills. We discuss the truth behind
fear and look at practical ways to overcome it. We also
delve into the fascinating world of rapport and influ-
ence, ­silencing our negative self-talk, and the power of
using a person’s name and developing a handshake that
conveys respect and confidence.
Keywords: business tools, confidence, personal
development, personal effectiveness, self-esteem,
self-growth, shyness
Confident People Deal with Difficult Issues
In many societies and settings, people find it much e ­ asier
to tell other people what they “think” about ­something
rather than how they “feel.” Earlier in part 1 we ­discussed
and ­recommended dealing in facts rather than emotions.
However, feelings should not be ­dismissed as irrelevant.
A confident person says how they feel.
Often in potentially explosive situations, we express
our feelings reluctantly or even as a last resort. ­However,
not only is it counterproductive to bottle in feelings but
it can also be detrimental to our health if this contin-
ues over a period of time. Passive people who stifle their
feelings can suddenly explode in a violent outburst if the
right provocation is received, leaving everyone around
them thinking “what just happened?” It is important that
we are able to say how we feel, particularly if it is nega-
tive, before our feelings erupt and we become angry and
out of control.
We can express our feelings in a constructive way
by using Negative Feelings Assertion to tell someone
what is happening and how we feel about it. Both aggres-
sive and passive people can benefit greatly from using
this technique.
Here is an example of Negative Feelings Assertion:
“When we arrange that you will pick me up at 7:30
am but you don’t show up until 8:00 am, that means
I’ve had to get up earlier for no reason. I feel sad
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 The Confidence Code, Part 3
that you don’t value either me or my
time, so I’d like you to stick to our
arrangement or set a realistic time
to pick me up in future.”
Note the crucial “I feel  .  .  .” This means
you are taking responsibility for your
feelings. You aren’t saying “You make me
feel,” which only serves to apply blame to
the other person, who subsequently feels
­under attack.
“When people lose their temper
with me and throw things about, it
becomes difficult for me to listen
to what they are saying. I feel very
­upset and threatened when it hap-
pens, so I’d like us to discuss things
calmly in future.”
Exercise 1
Negative Feelings Assertion
Look at the following scenarios and re-
spond using Negative Feelings Assertion:
A colleague often goes to the coffee
machine and brings back drinks for
some people in the office but not
for you.
Your friend has repeatedly disclosed
things to others that you told him or
her in confidence.
Your boss is communicating aggres-
sively with you.
Your mother insists you drop your
ready-made plans for a night out
in order to visit her. This is not the
first time it has happened, and it is
­becoming more frequent.
Discrepancy Assertion
Discrepancy Assertion is an extremely use-
ful technique in situations where you are
receiving inconsistent communication. It
helps to head off misunderstandings ­before
they become major issues or conflict.
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Discrepancy Assertion highlights inconsis-
tency in a person’s behavior without the
risk of blame or accusations.
With Discrepancy Assertion it is impor-
tant to be as objective as possible. By point-
ing out facts clearly we can clarify their
true intentions and, if needed, work toward
conciliation. Let’s look at some examples:
“Earlier this month, the new r­otas
were compiled and we agreed the
dates I would be required to work.
Today I received an e-mail from
you saying all staff are required to
work on Christmas Eve. I’d like to
be c­ ertain about how this a­ ffects our
first agreement.”
“When we talked last Thursday eve-
ning, we both agreed I was doing
most of the housework and shopping
and it was causing me a lot of stress.
However, the food cupboard is almost
empty, and there is a large basket of
dirty laundry. I’d like to discuss the
effects of this.”
In this last example, we aren’t actually
saying “You haven’t done the shopping or
housework” (although, of course, that’s the
message!) We are saying “The shopping
and housework haven’t been done.” The
other person isn’t being blamed and has the
­opportunity to discuss their side of the story.
Most people take the easiest option and
simply avoid potential conflict i­nstead of
respectfully addressing issues. As a r­esult,
far too often problems that could be ­easily
resolved if tackled early enough are a­ llowed
to continue. Eventually, they become firmly
rooted and can lead to deep resentment and
potentially destroy a relationship.
Confident people deal with difficult
issues.
Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real
The biggest single thing that undermines
our confidence is fear. Fear is always about
the future. Something that happened in the
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 The Confidence Code, Part 3
past isn’t what you’re afraid of. Fear is of
encountering that something again in the
future.
So what is fear anyway? It’s simply this . . .
FALSE
EVIDENCE
APPEARING
REAL
We have a guardian in our brain, our
unconscious. Its job is to keep us safe, and
throughout our lives it does a terrific job. In
many ways it could be said to function in
a similar way to a video cassette recorder.
In the days of video cassette recorders
(VCRs), you would buy a blank tape and
record a TV program or movie onto it. That
recording would then stay forever on that
tape unless you recorded another program
or movie on top of it, in which case that
new program or movie would stay for-
ever—unless you did the same again.
The unconscious can work in a similar
way. When you go into any situation, the
very first thing that happens is that your
unconscious asks, “Have I been here be-
fore or experienced something similar?” It
then searches through its memory banks
and checks. If it can’t find an identical or
similar incident, it makes a memory—a
­ of reference is something that happened
­recording on its tape.
If it does find an identical or similar
incident, then it analyses it. Sometimes
­ to bring themselves to discover the truth.
it says:
“This experience is a bit like that one . . . which
is similar to this other one . . . which is a
bit like then . . . what a fantastic time I had
then . . . now I’m going to feel really good!”
Alternatively, there is the classic phobic
response, in which the unconscious says:
“Oh no . . . it’s a dog . . . this is a bit like
the last time I saw one . . . which is a bit
like that other time . . . which is like that
time when I was four and that dog licked
my dad’s face . . . and I thought it was going
to eat him . . . aaaarrrrgghhhh!!!!”
In the scenario in which an unpleasant
thing happens to us, the recording that the
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unconscious makes gets distorted because
the unconscious is too busy trying to get
us out of the horrible event. It’s dealing
with the important job of keeping us safe—
so the task of recording the details of the
event takes second place.
The result of this is that, because a lot of
the details are missing, we try to fill in the
gaps to make sense of it all, so we then start
to generalize—
“All dogs bite,”
“All spiders are scary,”
“Public speaking is always going to
be horrible,”
“All of the opposite sex think I’m
unattractive”
Very often, however, fear has its basis in
the unknown. How will this turn out? What
will happen if . . . ? People generally react
to fear before an event occurs because the
unconscious makes an assumption about
what might happen if we subject ourselves
to something or take some sort of action.
This assumption is based on the closest
point of reference it can find. If that point
when they were a very small child, an
adult can get caught in the trap and unable
What we actually fear is the fear itself.
This fear is increased only because of our
lack of courage to confront it. Most people,
instead, retreat from the false evidence
they see before them instead of looking for
reasons why that evidence might be false.
Sometimes, we can be fearful of some-
thing because we’ve had little or no
­exposure to it. It’s really quite amazing, for
example, how many people in central USA
have a fear of sharks even though they live
nowhere near the ocean and do not travel
outside their own state!
We commonly use the phrase “fear of the
unknown” to describe the almost automatic
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