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Oh, my God!

Oh, how dreadful!

Poor Clive.

At least he didn't suffer.

Oh, he did? Oh, my!

That much? Oh, well. I prefer

to remember him as I last saw him.

Being fed apple sauce by a Jamaican

woman. Well, it's a reminder: we should…

spend as much time as possible with

those we hold dear while we're able.

Anyway, thank you for calling, Mother.

For a moment, I thought those

high-pitched, piercing shrieks…

were coming from a gaggle of schoolgirls.

But now I see it's just you.

I shan't be able to return to sleep now,

thanks muchly.

Who do you think you are? The Earl of

Grantham? You're from Wigan!

It's better than being

from Leytonstone.

How dare you?

I've been to Oxford.

Yes, for lunch.

Who were you squawking at

on the phone just now?

My mother, if you must know.

Was she calling to tell you

when she'd be dying?

She was very distraught.

Why? Did you finally
tell her about us?

I'm waiting for the right time.

It's been 48 years!

And there has not been a right time!

Please, don't pressure me!

I'm very emotional already.

We've had some frightful news:

Clive is dead.

Your mother is always the first

to know when someone dies.

Is she getting the news

directly from Satan?

I would think you'd be a little more

upset considering your history.

That was a long time ago.

We were all in our early 20s.

What, I was 19.

I wasn't in my 20s.

People used to think

I was your nephew.

Yes, because you told them

you were my nephew.

Anyway, I do feel bad about Clive.

I just hope he didn't suffer.

Apparently, they had to cut a foot off,

so I assume there was some discomfort.

I dare say those thick ankles of his

put up quite a fight.

Who on earth is that?

I have no idea.
Are you expecting anybody?

No!
These aren't calling hours!

This is outrageous! You just don't go

about ringing people's doorbells!

Let's just see who it is, and then

put the whole ugly business behind us.

Well, I'm going to give this intruder

a real dressing down.

Aaaah.
Hello!

Can we help you with something?

Ash.

I didn't even know that was a name.

I was here to see about the flat.

Is this a bad time?

No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, not at all.

Great.
-Yes, great.

Can I get you some tea?

No, thanks.
I'd just really like to see the flat.

You've come to the wrong door, I'm

afraid. The flat for rent is one floor up.

Oh, sorry.

Don't be sorry. I'm Freddie.

This is Stuart, my friend

Freddie Thornhill. You probably recognise

me from the television…
or the stage. Do you go to the theatre
often, Ash? Am I saying that correctly?

Yeah. Ash.
I don't get to the theatre much.
Well, of course, you're a young man,
you do young man things.

I'm quite certain I'm old enough

to be your father.

Yes, I'm quite certain, too.

My father's 46.

Ah, and so am I.

Do you mind if I use your toilet?

Mind? We'd be devastated

if you didn't.

You are making

such a fool of yourself.

Then you should leave.

It's quite clear he hates you.

Do you suppose he's “family”?

Oh, God!
It's so tricky to tell now.

I thought Graham Norton

was straight.

Well, my dear Stuart

I will work it out.

After all, I did spend a year playing

the detective in “The Mousetrap”.

Oh, “play”! Our postman’s

been in “The Mousetrap”.

This is complete lunacy!

It's like Victoria Station!

Who's there?!

It's Violet, darling.

I came as soon as I heard.

Poor Clive.

Yes, it's been a great shock

as you can imagine.

We're absolutely devastated.

Now, I must ask you.

Anything, darling.

Is Leytonstone any better than Wigan?

A bit, darling.
-Bollocks!

I was thinking…perhaps
we should host a small gathering…

…here tomorrow.
Just our little circle.

That will be lovely.

I can't believe he's gone.

Dear, sweet Clive.

Did you hear about the foot?

Yes.
Unfortunate.

Oh, damn!
I wanted to tell you.

Poor Freddie, you were quite close

back in the day.

Well, Clive was very much smitten

with me, that is true.

Obsessed, really…
I was young, handsome, famous.

You were barely one of those things.

I'm just going to use the loo

before I go out.

There has to be somebody

who hasn't heard about that foot.
Oh! He's still in there!
-Who's still in there?

The young man who came

to see about the flat upstairs.

He's been ages!

Go and see what's going on.

No, no, I don't want

to disturb him.

It's very rude

to disturb attractive people.

Well, we can't leave him

in there all day!

You let a complete stranger use your loo?

What if he comes out and rapes me?

Let's cross that bridge

when we come to it, shall we?

Everything all right in there, Ash?

Well, we tried.

So that's it, then?

-I don't see what else we can do!

Try calling him again.

-No, you try.

Somebody do something.
I'm so frightened I'm going to be raped.

Oh, for God's sake, Violet!

Nobody wants to rape you!

What an awful thing to say!

Thanks very much!

- Of course!

Everything…. all right?

-Yeah, sorry. Had to make a call.

Ahhh! A call to your...?

- Mate.
I see.
A close mate?

I guess.
-I see.

And is this your special mate?

Er, dunno. I should probably

go and see that flat now.

Has anybody ever said

you remind them of Zac Efron?

That's a person, right?

Or is it a place?

This is our friend Violet, Ash.

Yes, she's our friend

and Stuart here is my "friend".

Uh…OK?

Haven't I seen you in my yoga class?

I go to yoga. I'm great fun.

I don't think so.

Well, I'm certain I know you.

Have you ever been to Zac Efron?

I'm covered either way now.

I should probably go.

It was nice meeting you all.

And good luck with the flat.

I do hope we become neighbours.

And you can bring round

here anybody you like.

Boys…girls…
whichever you prefer.

Thanks.

Nicely done, Miss Marple!

I only hope his flesh didn't rot off
where you touched him.

I'm surprised you could see it through

the milky film that coats your cataracts.

I'm going to make another pot of tea.

I never know when I'm going too far

but I'm always so glad when I do.

Ejemplo de plantilla con caracteres (por si se prefiere utilizar, en lugar de contra

caracteres):

Me e n c a n t a s u b t i t u l a r !