Dear Mark,

I am so sorry that I missed your birthday celebration and did not tell you that I could not attend. Commented [AB1]: ‘birthday party’ – you need to paraphrase
the instructions more.
I totally understand how important this celebration is for you, and what a pity it is that I could
Commented [AB2]: ‘go/ come’ – you need a synonym for
not show up. ‘attend’ which is in the instructions.

I was at home on that day of your birthday celebration, preparing for a handmade birthday gift. Commented [AB3]: ‘preparing for a handmade birthday gift’ –
‘prepare’ without ‘for’ means ‘make’.
Suddenly, I felt an intolerable burst of pain in the stomach, which lasted for over five minutes. I
had to stop my work and go to the hospital. After examining my body, a doctor gave me some Prepare for = to put in proper condition or readiness:
e.g. I prepare for class.
medicine and told me that I should rest for a few days. I tried to text you. However, due to the
Commented [AB4]: ‘a full examination’ is a more natural way
effect of the calming medicine I fell asleep before finishing the message. of saying this.
Commented [AB5]: More concise here is – ‘medicine’s calming
In hope that you could forgive me, let me compensate you by an even better birthday gift. I effect’
have been trying to make you a bottle made by china, which was almost done before I fell ill. To Commented [AB6]: ‘In the hope that …’
make up for my failure to attend, I will paint on this bottle an excerpt of the most famous
https://www.macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/british/in-the-
Chinese calligraphy work, Lanting. Wish you feel better after you see the gift! hope-that-of

My sincere apologies again, and I look forward to seeing you soon. Commented [AB7]: ‘compensate you with’ / compensate you
by giving’ – ‘with + noun’, ‘by + verb +ing’
Commented [AB8]: ‘was / had been trying’ – your sentence is
Yours, in the past so you need past tenses.
John Commented [AB9]: ‘made of china’

Comments:
IELTS Marking Criteria
Task Fulfilment
Cohesion and Coherence
My comments
Addresses all parts of the
task with all bullet points
covered. Presents a clear
purpose, with a slightly
variable tone – a little
formal sounding
‘compensate’.
Logically organises
information and ideas;
there is clear progression
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/word-
order-and-focus/made-from-made-of-made-out-of-made-with
Band score
Commented [AB10]: ‘hope’
Wish usually expresses a desire that is impossible or unlikely to
happen.
7.5 To express a future desire, hope usually takes a simple present verb,
and wish mostly follows the pattern of the second conditional (i.e.,
using would and other past patterns).
 throughout the task. 7.5
Sequences information
and ideas logically with
clear paragraphing. An
excellent level of cohesion
between and within
sentences.
Lexical resource Uses sufficient vocabulary
for the task. Flexible and
appropriate use of 7.0
language. The language
consistent with the topic
and there is a good level
of accuracy and
sophistication in language
use. A little formal in
places and issues with
‘hope vs wish’ and not
enough synonyms for
‘celebration’ and ‘attend’.
Grammatical Range Produces some very good
and accuracy sentences with a high
degree of complexity. A
very fluent and 7.0
sophisticated piece of
work but with issues with
prepositions and articles.

Overall score: 7.0 + –The content was excellent with a few issues with grammar and tone.