Querying Marriage and Family

Author(s): Rinchin
Source: Economic and Political Weekly, Vol. 40, No. 8 (Feb. 19-25, 2005), pp. 718-721
Published by: Economic and Political Weekly
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awareness about the perpetuation of un-
touchability and its pernicious effects.
As issues of caste and (religious) com-
munity have gained salience over the last
two decades, they have forced a re-exami-
nation of the very grounds of feminist
politics and praxis. In lieu of a conclusion,
I will merely suggest that some of the most
important experiments in democratising
and modernising social relations, in effect-
ing a fundamental transformation of the
relations of everyday life, have occurred
under the sign of caste. By this I mean that
caste was/is the form of identity through
which gender (and perhaps) sexuality itself,
was re-imagined. This is radically different
from saying that caste is 'bad', or 'tradi-
tional', and must be done away with. Instead
one is saying that like gender, caste is a
form of embodied being, an aspect of one's
personhood that one must think with and
through. Just as one cannot, perhaps, be
fully outside the regulatory world of gender,
one also cannot, at least at this point in time,
escape the caste Hindu order. 13I3
Notes
1 Much of this presentation is drawn from my
introduction to Gender and Caste:
Ideology:
Contemporary Issues in Indian Feminism. Kali
for Women, New Delhi, 2003.
Cambridge
2 The description of his home is significant, "The
beingthen
enclosed copy of printed notices were [sic] in a heterosexual marriage and re-
pasted on the walls of the corners of jecting
streets,
the demands of their families (use
where the brahmins reside. From its commence-
of words like 'shun'), the girls had not
ment up to the present time, 35 pregnant widows
came to this house...." (O'Hanlon 84). been loyal to their families, caused them
3 Waman Jagannath Joshi and Others vs Balaji pain (constant projection of helpless and
Kusaji Patil, Before Charles Sargent, chiefjustice,
pained parents) and brought shame upon
and Justice Candy 21 ILR (Bombay) 167. This
them and the community because of their
was a second appeal, referring to the decision of
the subordinatejudge (Appellate Power), Poona. choices (invocation of guilt - they did not
4 Somavanshiya Mitra, December 1, 1908 for even think about their old parents). The
Shivubai's letter. Somavanshiya Mitra, July 1, family's act of forcibly marrying the girl
1909 for news regarding Shivubai and
Ganpatrao's marriage. against her wishes to a man and the validity
5 There were two conferences of the NFDW in of that marriage were never brought into
Maharashtra (Dhule, Mumbai), three in Delhi, question. The act was seen more as a
and two in Chennai by May 2001. Mentioned desperate and legitimate attempt to plant
in Thorat (2001): 12. There is also the All India
Dalit Women's Forum established in 1994, and the girl within a 'normal' family.
Dalit Solidarity, established in 1995, in addition Speculations about the nature of the
to the many local and regional dalit women's girls' relationship were of course the most
groups. There has also been a session devoted highlighted aspects of the story and gossip
to issues confronting dalit women at the National
Women's Activist Conference since 1994. spread fast. There were many assumptions
6 National Federation of Dalit Women NGO being made. That they wanted to live to-
Declaration on Gender and Racism, Racial gether was clear, that they did not want
Discrimination, Xenophobia and Related the option of the families presented to
Intolerance, World Conference Against Racism,
them, was also evident. Clear too was the
August 28, September 7, 2001, Durban, South
Africa. fact that the police could not and had no
legal right to separate them (both were
References adults) or to make them return to their
families.
Moon, Vasant (1979) (ed): Dr Babasaheb
Ambedkar: Writings and Speeches, Volume I, But what was also assumed was that they
Government of Maharashtra, Mumbai. wanted to live as husband and wife, and
O Hanlon. Rosalind (2002): Caste, Conflict and
their relationship was the same as a mar-
Mahatma Jotirao Phule and Low
Caste in 19th Century, Western India,ried or to be married couple, except that
University Press, UK. both were women. It was also assumed that
the girls placed their sexual relationship
above and over all their other relation-

Querying Marriage and Family ships; their queerness was only in relation-
ship to each other; and the choice of how
they wanted to lead their lives was not a
Although violence within the family is seen as a serious concern, itmatter of self-expression but a result of
sexual and gender confusion. This would
hardly becomes a threat to the validity, relevance and existence of
lead us to believe that if they could marry,
the institution itself. So while we mistrust what we do not they would. We really do not know - they
understand, i e, different lifestyles and choices, there is little might want to, but they might not either.
interrogation of that which we trust, because of its familiarity and But then what are the options - even in
our own lives when it comes to marriage
apparent inevitability. But then are gay marriages enough, given
and family? What vocabulary do we have
the queerfeminist critique of marriage itself? The struggle is to
to speak about alternatives and what gives
broaden the concept of the family, interrogate and dismantle us even a sliver of a concept to build
marriage, or relegate it to one way of living rather than the only one.
another reality on?
While presenting this critique on mar-
RINCHIN so that the two could be together. They riage and families, this paper attempts to
also reported that the girl's parents filed see how families are also a context of
ecently two young girls living ina police complaint against them, and that violence, oppression and restriction;
a slum in Bhopal were in the the police and counsellors spent hours how the overemphasis of family and
news - with headlines like 'Girl- counselling the girls to return to their marriage does not allow for the true ex-
'families' and to have 'normal families'
friends shun family for each other', 'They ploration of any other relationship; how
want to stay together like husband and of their own. the institution of family and marriage
wife' [see, for instance, 'Girlfriends shunWhile the papers went to town talking restricts and denies all other forms of
families', Hindustan Times, August 2004].about one girl's digression of gender norms existence; how other relationships are
The newspapers talked about one girl's and the couple's strange affinity to each actively suppressed; and what other
(forced) marriage to a man, about how herother, many questions were raised but many forms of relationships and families might
'girlfriend' ('who acts like a boy') dis-others ignored. The reports implied that by be as well as the lack of security and
rupted the marriage and brought her back doing what they wanted to, that is, not legitimacy they face.

718 Economic and Political Weekly February 19, 2005

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 Family is seen as a space to imbibe and There are sociological and psychological
(different lifestyles and choices), there is
learn, as also a place for disciplining, studies that talk of 'promiscuity' and
little interrogation of that which we trust
coercion and restriction. Members of the because of its familiarity and apparent'unstable relationships' of 'not of being
family are burdened with the duty of rep- inevitability. Therefore, rape and issues of
able to have fulfilling and meaningful re-
licating the structure, and if that does not family violence, especially dowry, became lationships' of 'infidelity' as some of the
happen, there is guilt for defiance or fail- ill effects of sexual abuse, violence and
major issues of campaigns and concern
ure. The family is also often considered and led to changes in legislation, but theother trauma. These words in themselves
a space for caring, nurturing and sharing, are subjective. A clear understanding and
validity and existence of structures within
and most importantly, the sharing of prop- which they happen did not come intoquestioning of these terms, and their con-
erty. As seen now, the family is bound by question. There have been changes, how- nection with the prevalent perception of
the invocation of loyalty, blood and inher- ever, that saw the broadening of these the stable and monogamous marriage (or
itance and forcibly obliges members to concerns: the issue of single mothers and
similar relationships) as the final actuali-
place it above everything else. All other legitimising of children outside of mar-sation of love and care, will help us to
relationships are seen as feeding into the riage have been some of the positive legal
grasp better other lifestyles that bewilder
family, but lesser somehow. Families are changes in the past decade, in terms of us, and also force us to look for other
also not open for any and everyone as the providing security to those who live
parameters to define what is 'fulfilling'
gates for entry are birth and marriage. The outsides the boundaries. and 'healthy'. This will also help us to
use of force and violence for submission Is marriage changing orare otherrelation-
understand the difference in what we may
and compliance is not unknown. There isships becoming more acceptable and se- actually want and desire, and what we have
cure? Will heterosexual or gay marriages
documented evidence of forced marriages, been taught to want.
unlawful confinement, excommunication,change the structure of the heterosexual
desperate suicides and killings of many
marriage itself? The outcry against gay
Demarcated Roles
who have gone against the prevalent
marriage (one of the issues on which George
norms of caste, class and sexuality, in-Bush supposedly won the elections) and There is also a binary in relationships
cluding lesbian suicides [Fernandez 1999,
the fear that it will sully and destroy the
with clearly demarcated roles of the sexual
Gopal 2002]. and non-sexual. These sexual liaisons are
sanctity of the institution suggests that it
One of the major points of debate/ valued over others and the one sexual
will, in a way, subvert marriage from within.
concern in recent times has been the main- relationship,
The other question that arises is why, when in which sex becomes
stream cultural or community space that there is a strong queer feminist critique of
secondary after a while and 'love and care'
queer/marginalised sexualities have occu- marriage as a problematic institution, are take over, is the culmination of our quest-
pied. The perception has been that these we supporting gay marriages? In the givenmarriage. Non-sexual relationships are
groups have their own different and alien context, where the only legally and so-
looked at as pure, but not potent or fruitful,
culture and that they have to move out of rather as infertile, as seedless or barren
cially sanctioned institution for cohabiting
the 'cultural space of the family' to another is marriage, and family through that mar- fruit - the last resort for those who have
cultural space. But to move out of a struc- riage, it is what people will choose to be failed to have sexually based relationships.
ture is not to move out of a cultural space. able to live legal and secure lives, at least
Therefore, friends, siblings or others
A cultural space can move beyond the in the terms of the law. As for whether sharing home and life together will always
formally recognised structures, unfortu- these moves will strengthen or subvert be seen as living in limbo, waiting for the
nately, just now, the monolith of marriage marriage, we can only wait and watch. real important relationship to happen. The
and a typical family set-up that is born out But then are gay marriages enough? Does importance of these people, and the role
of it dominates the cultural space. If this the queer and feminist critique of marriage they play in each other's lives, and over
is not the only space then why is it the most endjust at the fact that marriage, as an insti- each other's possessions are never
broadcasted and rigidly policed? Because tution, is exclusive? I believe not. If married recognised. Even the census does not give
it is a familiar cultural space, one which gays become the norm, and if the validity such units recognition as households or
has sanctity and acceptance, and seems and purity of relationships are measured families. Their place in each other's bio-
like a natural place to be, 'a comfort zone'. by the normative standards of monogamy, logical families is always that of an out-
Is this why we are unable to seek and find marriage and 'stability', it becomes prob- sider; 'just a friend', 'like family' are words
other moulds, even words to describe lematic. Because our queer experience does that to my ears sound insulting to these
ourselves, and the others whose lives not only place us in a marginalised posi- relationships, marking them as lesser. On
interweave into our own? Who are the tion, but also allows us to recognise the the other hand, relationships based on sex
husband, wife, mother, and father in the
process of marginalisation, it becomes outside of marriage are seen as highly
relationship is the common question? These important for us to examine whether trying sexualised, passionate and consuming,
definitions restrict our lives, term as frivo-
to fit into already existing structures leaves without care and responsibility and, above
lous all other choices, make multiple others out. Even the critique and inter- all, indulgent. Therefore, they become the
partners promiscuous and lifestyles rogation so of these institutionalised systems target of revulsion and disgust. The vio-
precarious that violence within and outside and structures will help us to see other lation of rights of people in such relation-
existing or emerging structures.
leads to the questioning of their very validity ships are unquestioned and violence is
and existence. Within the family, violencePsychiatrists still tell 'confused bi- seen as the natural outcome of such a
is seen as a serious concern but never as sexuals' that to turn heterosexual or to lifestyle. The recent murder of Alexander
a threat to the validity, relevance and marry a person of the opposite sex (because Pushkin and the media outcry and public
existence of the instituion itself. So while they can! they are not totally gay are they!) horror against the 'dark underbelly of
we mistrust what we do not understand is their chance to have a normal family. Delhi's gay culture', 'cruising', 'pickups'

Economic and Political Weekly February 19, 2005 719

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and 'casual sex' being a case in point. Terms for an unmarried person that is not an medical decisions, etc, go to the next of
like 'loose', 'promiscuous' and 'danger- option even if she wanted it to be) itself kin who are defined only as relatives by
ous' lifestyles have been used to justify the can be stifling and thwarting. How would blood or marriage. One would look for
violation of the rights and dignity of people, I create an atmosphere that will allow them spaces, for the recognition and importance
be it extortion, rape, expulsion from work, space to explore and grow bonds? It is clear of all relationships outside and within these,
discrediting their voices or even murder. that relationships have their own paths, but confines. This can happen only with the
Even now we all like to push at long-term the social context and prevalent norms deter- broadening of the whole concept of fam-
relationships, marriage-like unions and mine even what relationships get a chance ily, rather than going back into it, by
fairy tale romances of same- sex- love. In to develop. Sentiments such as loyalty, guilt, interrogating and dismantling marriage or
this way, all other and different forms of legalities of inheritance, insurance, pen- by relegating it to one way of living rather
living and relationships are denied. sion, property, even social gifts (how much than the only one. The more family ties
we spend on whom) are all connected to are loosened, the more air there will be for
the way we perceive family. So while I try other bonds to blossom.
Creating New Families
to create an emotional space for such bonds It is also important to see how these ideas
Rebelling against the family and putting to grow there is another set of matters that and lifestyles are being perceived. Alter-
other people above blood relatives has one confronts: how do I become the native sexualities and families cannot
always been guilt ridden. Not being close nominee on my friend's bank account;
simply be defined in relation to the 'other'
to the family of birth is seen as loss and how does one add someone who is not the or the mainstream, but must be seen as
emptiness and even adoption is seen in the biological next of kin onto a credit card; ways to seek or negotiate relationships
same way, the second best to having your how does a 'non blood' or marital relative based on particular perspectives. They
own biological child. There is a difference become the beneficiary of my life insur- could be seen as interrogating and moving
in the way we see the relationships we ance policy; will my 'significant others' beyond the present structure rather than
cherish and having to measure them or fit get a share of my family property if I die? simply resisting the normative models of
them into the form of structured relation- The gay movement in the past two relationships. When we talk of resistance,
ships or bonds - monogamy and marriage. decades has focused on these issues, of we place one model over the other, but
Many structures that do not fall into any getting legitimacy for the partner in gay what is needed is probably an appreciation
of the familial safety nets like communi- relationships with major victories on issues of the difficulties involved in exploring
ties of sex workers, hijra people, street like health benefits, etc, in countries like and negotiating such relationships. For
children, multiple partner relationships and Canada and the US. Countries like Sweden some, such choices may not be a form of
many others that we may not know of, are already recognise gay unions but these resistance but the expression of a desired
seen as either based on money/material have still not been able to deal completely way of life; they become acts of defiance
needs or the lack of choice. This is even with the larger issues of non-monogamy simply because they go against the norm.
as the most substantial lack of choice and and the unstructured family [Thompson The need may be to understand them, to
question of property (money) remains 2004]. And now, and in the future, these recognise, nurture and make them secure
within marriage and the family, and stands are the questions that we will have to deal rather than to valourise them. I would like
unquestioned. with. In India, we are confronted with a to try to not fall into seeing everything as
While we struggle to find peace with the situation where Section 377 still exists, 'gay resistance' and deny subjectivity and
families we are bor in, we are also cre- and only relationships of blood and mar- agency to individual choice.
ating new families that may not be similar. riage are given legal recognition for social Love and relationships are not political
The objective is to have acceptance of our and other purposes. acts, but for people to live beyond the
gender, sexualities and lives in the former; In literature and in many other hidden boundaries, and for others to be able to
it is also to create, not acceptance or or invisibilised forms, we have seen dif- critique the system and see other options
tolerance, but a rightful space for the latter, ferent kinds of relationships that have through that living, is a difficult path with
as units or non-units that may have strong either been kept hidden because of fear,little social and legal security. The people
bonds, but that may be beyond clearly or ignored and suppressed within the larger who do this unwittingly or wittingly have
defined structures. I am looking for a space canopy of the traditional family. Bhupen the difficult task of making the unfamiliar,
to explore different relationships and would Kakkar's short story of a 'typical family' familiar. The personal is personal, lived
like to see that they get importance and within which multiple lovers exist, but experiences are what start the politics of
social significance. I do not want all my from the outside, is one example [Vanita thought and resistance. Then it becomes
relationships to be confined to blood/sex and Kidwai 2001]. The many descriptions the job of politics to protect all kinds of
binaries or units. It makes me wonder if of Mir Taqi Mir and his unique relation- personal plurality, to ensure its survival
I adopted a child (only married people can ship with his father and his father's disciple and to nurture it with rightful security
adopt as a couple, others would have to [ibid:184], the films 'Tedhi Lakir' and 'A and dignity. BlY
adopt as single women, so no one else could Womb of One's Own' (screened at Larzish
legally be the child's parent or guardian), last year) and many more such examples References
in what way would I allow for my lovers, bring out plural and unique ways of living.
friends and persons who closely support The practical difficulties of trying to live Fernandez, Bina(1999): 'Protection fromViolence,
me to have a role in her life. What would out such relationships come at every level: Joint Suicides Too Many', Humjinsi:A
be their legal and social standing in rela- from nominees on bank accounts, to life Resource Book on Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual
Rights in India, India Centre for Human Rights
tionship to my biological family, and who insurance policies, to who is next of kin and and Law, Mumbai.
would be her next of kin? The description takes charge of your life and death by Gopal, Meena (2002): 'The Time is Now: Need
of parents as being in a set of two (and default. Even commercial transactions, for Liberating Perspectives on the Critique of

720 Economic and Political Weekly February 19, 2005

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 the Family', paper presented at 10th National
Conference, Indian Association for Women's
Studies, Bhubaneshwar, October 17-20.
Thompson, Susan (2004): The Queer Argument
Against Marriage: The End Of Gay
Liberation?, www. Rabble News.org;
Vanita, Ruth and Saleem Kidwai (ed) (2001):
Same Sex Love in India: Readings from
Literature and History, Macmillan India
Limited, Delhi.
feminist ones - continue to ignore. How,
then, might one begin to account for his-
torical shifts in the caste question, espe-
cially after independence, in the face of
the range of earlier concerns? Over the last
decade in parts of north India, there have

The Dialogue Continues been ongoing periodic reports of family

and caste based violence wreaked on young
couples who marry against caste norms.
Rohini Hensman writes What might simply pass off as young lovers
But it is crucially important to the creation
of different types of families with a wider defying an older generation, actually demon-
I thought one of the issues raised byrange of relationships than those which are strates far-reaching economic and social
all the papers on the panel was theonly biological or marital. changes, when, for instance, a jatav boy
relationship between reform (in the Lastly, the vexed question of the per-hopes to build a life with a thakur girl. We
sonal and political. Perhaps the best way
sense of limited changes) and revolution, have yet to assess, from feminist and dalit
to resolve this issue is to acknowledge thatperspectives, the larger consequences of
in the sense of a comprehensive transfor-
mation of social relations. Rather than these everyday assertions, especially since
our personal relationships occur in a social
counterposing one to the other, it seemsand political context, and if we want to it is only the tragic and violent outcomes
have freedom in our personal lives, wethat become newsworthy.
more helpful to ask: where are the reforms
leading? Are they leading to changes that have to work to transform that context in Marriage is clearly a contested site in an
such a way that it will respect our freedomincreasingly multi-vocal gay and lesbian
could be revolutionary, or are they in some
rather than invading it in a destructive
way entrenching existing social relations, politics. I am reminded of the first reports of
making them more difficult to transform? fashion. This refers not just to law and
the policewomen from Madhya Pradesh in
government but also to the civil society1988 whose decision to marry evoked such
For example, the early struggles that Mary
and Anupama talked about did not ques- around us. Moreover, poverty inevitablysharp condemnations from their worlds,
tion heteronormativity. Yet, in challeng- restricts choices, and unless we are only right up to the spate of lesbian suicides in
ing the conception of marriage as an ar-concerned with a small layer of upper- andKerala today. But it is equally the case that
rangement between families and commu- middle-class people, we need to combatgay and lesbian relations are stigmatised
nities, themselves conceived as hierarchi- precisely for not fitting the institution of
the constraints imposed by it. In other words,
cal and authoritarian institutions, they we have to intervene in the political space marriage, or indeed, for actively seeking to
opened up a space for conjugal relation- in order to safeguard our personal space.validate many relationships and friendships,
ships based on freedom and desire rather whether sexual, familial or not, as Rinchin
than convention, which in turn opens up so eloquently attests. There are countless
Mary E John writes
possibilities for the acceptance of same- instances of 'alternate relationships' that
sex unions. In raising the issue of women's Feminism's most obvious debts are to continue to develop alongside marriage, in
different classes and social groups in urban
Marxism - today it is easy to forget that.
autonomy and right to go out to work, they
challenged entrenched gender roles, and some of the earliest public critiques ofand rural India. Not only in the face of
even suggested that not getting marrieddominant norms of sexuality and mono- homophobia and patriarchal constraints,
might be a valid choice for women. The gamous marriage emerged from the politi-but also in the intractable spaces of per-
domestic labour debate, although it never cal traditions of socialism and commu- sonal life that we may wish to protect, it
became important in India, further under- nism, going back to the 18th century. is not always obvious what it is that must
mined the notion of rigid gender roles Having been teaching an introductory be politicised in the conventional sense of
within marriage and the family. The break-course in women's studies, I cannot help bringing it into public debate or the legal
mentioning that one of the most popular
ing down of gender roles in the family once field. Entering the domain of marriage,
feminist activists for students - whether
again makes it possible to imagine partners beyond questions of violence or the law,
who do not conform to the heterosexual gay or straight - has been Alexandrais a journey we have barely begun in the
norm. Conversely, it occurred to me whileKollontai, the Russian communist, whose women's movement. So there might ac-
watching the film 'One Wedding and views, a writings and personal life itself are tually be an opportunity here for those who
Revolution at Larzish', nothing could do testimony to the promises and costs of awish to build positive agendas, one of
more to counteract gender stereotyping radical sexual politics outside the institu-whose dimensions would be imagining
than marriages where there is no distinc-tion of marriage. Along with the waningmore egalitarian marriages and families,
tion whatsoever between the partners. of left inspired counter-cultures in recent while also listening to other forms of com-
However, all this can still be accommo-times, it is worth pondering the absence munity, ways of being together, whose
dated within the framework of families of such legacies today, in spite of the multiple social locations have not (yet)
based on blood and marriage. Here I thinkintense contemporary focus on sexualitiesbeen named.
Rinchin's questioning of the devaluation - mainstream and alternative.
of non-sexual relationships as if they are Anupama's discussion is a reminder of Anupama Rao writes
somehow inferior to sexual ones is impor- the extraordinary ways in which
tant. The existence of innumerable dif- dalitbahujan critiques of caste were simul- Left and feminist critiques of marriage
ferent kinds of love is a subject that by taneously critiques of gender and sexual- and family, both in India and elsewhere,
definition evades analysis, and I, at least,ity, which mainstream records of social have offered a language to address the
have found it easier to explore in fiction.reform and nationalism - including some multiple structurings of power and privilege,

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