y z

SwineMole’s
School of
Sorcery for
Young
Sorcerers
and
Sorceresses

“si post fata venit gloria non propero "

A fiasco playset by Joseph Nadler

SwineMoLe’s School of Sorcery for
Young Sorcerers and Sorceresses

Credits

Written by Joseph Nadler

Edited by Joseph Nadler

Cover Art is the “Mythology One” font by Emerald City Fontwerks, also used is “Hitchcock” by
Matt Terich, and “Art’s Polyhedral Dice D6 Pips” by Arthur Braune and Skulduggery Press.

This playset may be used by Bully Pulpit in an anthology of RPGGeek Fiasco Playsets.

Thank you to all my beloved play-testers, Emily, Ben, Tabitha, Michael, Other-Michael, Anestis,
Tom and Roger. The Principal called and he said you’re all fired for being as useless as tits on a
bull, go pack your f*cking cases.

Boilerplate

The playset is an accessory for the Fiasco role-playing game by Bully Pulpit Games.

This playset is copyright 2015 by Joseph Nadler. Fiasco is copyright 2009 by Jason Morningstar.
All rights reserved.

This playset is a parody based largely on the popular fantasy series, “Lord of the rings” by C. S.
Lewis.

For more information of about Fiasco or to download other playsets and materials, visit
www.bullypulpitgames.com

Version 1.8
The Score
Mediocre schooling at
massively inflated prices

Swinemole’s is the most prestigious magical school in the southern hemisphere. It’s also the only
magical school in the southern hemisphere. The buildings may look like a concrete 1970s tragedy,
and the administration may desperately cling to European traditions in order to create some
façade of respectability, but the real treasure of Swinemole’s is its burnt out, bitter staff, and its
appalling and apathetic students.

Firstly, the staff can’t be bothered to teach. Why would they when you have petty staffroom
politics to keep you busy? Fighting over temporary positions, stationary and classroom furniture
is what keeps the wheel of magical academia turning. Staff, like students, will be a member of one
of the four houses (Phlegm, Blood, Gall, Bile) and assigned to a faculty (constantly changing,
possibly meaningless). There’s also a lot of pointless paperwork and potentially fatal workplace
hazards for the unwary educator at Swinemole’s, so keep sharp and trust no one.

Secondly, the students are indulged, indolent and incompetent. Why try when you have
connections? Bad grades can always be fixed by mummy wielding a killing curse in the front
office. So students wisely use their time to create the social hierarchies that will hopefully serve
them for a lifetime. Fatness curses, love potions and endangered animal sacrifices are the bread
and butter of magical teens in a magical school; just make sure you get to the end of the school
year in one piece.

So as you wantonly grasp for power, prestige and/or potions, keep in mind the proud and mostly
legal traditions of Swinemole’s, and disregard the school’s insipid motto “si post fata venit gloria
non propero" (or if you prefer English) “If glory comes after death, I can wait”.

Movie Night
Harry Potter (especially Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix)
Carry on teacher (1959)
The trouble with angels (1966)
Picnic at hanging rock (1975)
Summer Heights High (TV)
Relationships...
A Students
a Identical twins
b Notorious trouble makers
c Goody two-shoes and the only one who knows the truth
d Bestest frenemies forever
e Friends who might as well be related
f House captain and the editor of the student newspaper

B Faculty
a Jaded department head and eager new teacher
b Rival teachers wanting the head of department job
c School inspector and head of department
d Rival heads of school houses
e Teacher and assistant
f School nurse and a problem patient

C The Past

a Were in a cult together

b Lost a loved one to a cult
c Friends, once
d Rivals
e Bound by a dark secret
f A very public argument
D Romance
a Had a Christmas party fling
b Currently having a secret affair
c Divorced
d Friend-zoned
e Engaged, but someone wants out
f Rivals for the same heart

E Crime
a Killed a mortal
b Potion addict and supplier
c Match fixing
d Were in prison together
e Drunkenly killed a unicorn
f Embezzlement

F Magical
a Bound together by a magical contract
b Bound together by a prophecy
c Poltergeist and distant descendent
d Practicing dark magic together
e A summoning spell gone terribly wrong
f Accidental duplicate

...At Swinemole’s School of Sorcery

Needs...
A To get out
a Of your contract
b Of this curse
c Of debt
d Of tonight’s school play
e Of your terrible fate
f Of a promise you made

B To get even
a For what was done to you
b With the people who doubted you
c By destroying something precious
d By taking what’s rightfully yours
e For the good of the school
f Even if they’re “innocent”

C To get Power
a By getting a promotion
b Without anyone knowing it’s you calling the shots
c By fair means or foul
d So you can engineer a cover-up
e To vanquish your enemies
f So you can make the world a “better” place
D To get respect
a From the one you love
b From the one you hate
c From the Principal
d By fulfilling the prophecy
e By putting on the show of a lifetime!
f By raising the dead

E To get the truth

a About the missing teacher evaluations
b About who you really are
c About the lost treasure
d About where all the money has gone
e About the authenticity of a certain prophecy
f For the good of the school

F To get laid
a To continue the family blood line
b To prove that you aren’t the slightest bit gay
c To prove that you’ve still got it
d So you’re no longer a virgin
e To hurt someone else
f As a way of getting something much more interesting

...At Swinemole’s School of Sorcery

Locations...
A The Administration Block
a The Principal’s office
b The stationary supply cupboard
c The printing room
d The library’s forbidden works section
e The staff lounge
f The dungeon

B The Student Halls

a The sick bay
b The house common room
c The dormitories
d The walkways
e The toilet block
f The dining hall

C The Performing Arts

Complex

a The main theatre

b The grand reception foyer
c The music practice rooms
d The dressing rooms
e The Glinda Gobcock memorial dance studio
f The catering kitchen
D The Material Sorcery Wing
a The magical textiles studio and dye house
b The fine arts gallery
c The magical photography darkroom
d The herbology greenhouses
e The golem and enchantments workshop
f Caretakers storeroom

E The Theoretical and

Applied Magics Wing
a Divination laboratory / Careers office
b Transfiguration classroom
c Blood rune laboratory with attached cold room
d The Astronomy tower
e The Alchemy storeroom
f The conjuration courts

F The Great Outdoors

a “The wasted goblin” bar and grill
b The school stadium and broom range
c The rooftop stables
d The dark forest nature reserve
e Lake Tragedy
f The train station

...At Swinemole’s School of Sorcery

Objects...
A Untoward
a A soul stone
b A packet of magically tainted sweets
c A necklace of strangulation
d A “Class A” love potion
e A vial of truth serum
f A set of erotic animated postcards depicting naked water nymphs

B Transportation
a An angry centaur
b A broom in desperate need of reconditioning
c A private train carriage
d An unregistered flying carpet
e A non-functioning wardrobe
f An enchanted moped

C Weapons
a A cockatrice’s talon
b A magical sword
c An unusual curse in the margins of a book
d A prize winning mandrake root in an antique china pot
e A large jar of aggressive sprites
f An exceptionally big snake
D Information
a The draft copy of the next edition of the student newspaper
b A heavily annotated copy of “Transfiguration and Taboo”
c A curious map
d The last existing copy of “The path to power” bound in human skin
e A vial of memories
f The manuscript for the tell-all memoirs of the previous Principal

E Valuable
a Silk collected from a giant spider, still sticky
b A key to a bank vault
c A surprisingly plain golden ring
d A dozen phoenix eggs
e A flask of unicorn piss
f A packet of exceptionally rare seeds

F Sentimental
a A magical picture of two children in a garden together
b A faded school jacket
c A letter sealed with a kiss
d A signed recording of “The Swinemole Sea-Serpents Greatest Hits”
e A school yearbook from 120 years ago
f Someone else’s broken wand

...At Swinemole’s School of Sorcery

The Tilt Table…
A MayHeM
a An out of control rampage
b A frantic chase
c A dangerous animal (perhaps metaphorical) gets loose
d Magnificent self-destruction
e Cold-blooded score-settling
f Misdirected passion

B Tragedy
a Death, out of the blue
b Somebody’s life is changed forever, in a bad way
c Pain, followed by confusion
d Death, right on time
e Confusion, followed by pain
f Death, after an unpleasant struggle

C Magic
a A visit from the department of Magical Education
b A curse rebounds
c A wish is granted, it doesn’t go well
d Something dead comes back
e An illusion fails
f A sudden loss of magical power
D Guilt
a Somebody is not so innocent after all
b Betrayed by friends
c Somebody develops a conscience
d Greed leads to murder
e Someone panics
f A showdown

E Paranoia
a A stranger arrives to settle a score
b What seems like dumb luck isn’t – things are afoot
c Two people cross paths and everything changes
d Fear leads to a fateful decision
e That thing you stole has been stolen
f Somebody is watching, waiting for their moment

F Failure
a A stupid plan, executed to perfection
b Something precious is on fire
c A tiny mistake leads to ruin
d A good plan comes unravelled
e You thought it was taken care of, but it wasn’t
f A sudden reversal (of status, of fortune, of sympathy)

...At Swinemole’s School of Sorcery

Aftermath: Black High
Zero: The worst thing in the universe.
Death would be welcome, but for you there is no such luck. Have you been transformed into a statuette in a
dusty trophy case somewhere, forever looking at the world going by? Or maybe you’ve been made immortal,
but stripped of all your powers and now clean the toilets at the local Burger-Hut with your… hands? Most
people don’t question your methods on account of your smell. Either way, you’re lower than a cockroach and
you’ll have to endure this fate, possibly forever.

Black One: Mythical

Magic is a fickle thing, and when it goes bad, it goes amazingly wrong. You can wish to be the most powerful
magical being in the world, but you might be transformed into a genie, trapped in a bottle, and forced to grant
other people’s wishes forever. You played with the fundamental laws of nature? You now power the school
furnace with your eternally burning body. Magical journals shall make mention of you, and children shall tell
cruel jokes about you to their friends. You’ve become the Helen Keller of magic.

Black Two: Cursed

Every full moon one of your limbs explode, don’t worry though, they always grow back within a month. Or
maybe you erupt in pus-filled boils around people you fancy romantically. Maybe you’re forced to live the same
school day over and over until you get it right; maybe one century you might even escape your curse, maybe.

Black Three: Jinxed

Trousers that always split, milk that is always off when you go to use it, keys that always go missing when
you’re in a hurry, animals that are instinctively frightened of you. Your jinx doesn’t just affect you, it affects
people near you, and localities that you spend any length of time in, and it would be lovely if you kept moving
along thank you. If you were employed, you aren’t now. If you were a student, graduation is definitely off the
table.

Black Four: Marked

You have an aura, a visible tangible aura, and it’s not pleasant. Or maybe you destroy every electronic device
you touch. Your powers are erratic at best and dangerous at worst. The Principal has asked you to consider
leaving Swinemole’s, and here’s a train ticket, don’t let the door hit you on the arse on your way out.

Black Five: Wretched

You have… a vibe, and it isn’t good. You’re the friend in the group who everyone secretly hopes will get the
hint and go away, but everyone is too polite to tell you. The room always seems a little colder when you’re in
there. Your place at Swinemole’s is on a decidedly downward trajectory. You though you had dodged karma,
but…

Black Six: Unfortunate

Your ambition is smashed on the rocks of cruel reality; your magic, for now at least, is weaker than water. At
least you’re still at Swinemole’s, but in a decidedly more uncomfortable, unglamorous and underpaid capacity.

Black 7 – 8: Lucky
You’re alive, and while many suspect your involvement, no one can prove anything, not even magically. Your
luck has held, this time. You’ll live to cast another day.

Black 9 -10: Charmed

You’re alive and thriving. Despite everything, you said, did and casted you’ve come out ahead. People like you,
they really like you, and your schemes have paid off, sometimes in strange and surprising ways.

Black 11+: Uncanny

You’ve done extraordinarily well, the magical press celebrates you, and people name their children after you
hoping that your name itself is charmed. You appear in magical textbooks and your face appears in paintings in
the great hall of Swinemole’s. They may even rename a school house after you.
Aftermath: White High
Zero: The worst thing in the universe.
Death would be welcome, but for you there is no such luck. Have you been transformed into a statuette in a
dusty trophy case somewhere, forever looking at the world going by? Or maybe you’ve been made immortal,
but stripped of all your powers and now clean the toilets at the local Burger-Hut with your… hands? Most
people don’t question your methods on account of your smell. Either way, you’re lower than a cockroach and
you’ll have to endure this fate, possibly forever.

White One: Astonishing

The story of your life is told to children as a morality fable about what happens to people that have done terrible
things. Old people spit after they say your name. You’re certainly dead and your close relatives have changed
their names so they can live their lives untarnished by your shameful legacy.

White Two: Degrading

You’re no longer welcome at Swinemole’s, you are almost certainly imprisoned. You’re probably someone’s
bitch. There are new laws named after you to prevent this sort of travesty ever happening again. You’re going to
spend the rest of your life trying to live down your shameful reputation.

White Three: Shameful

Everyone knows about your particular foibles and people judge you; just not to your face. Well, sometimes to
your face. You can look forward to a future where concerned mothers scoop up their children when you
approach. If you had a place at Swinemole’s, you certainly don’t now, even Swinemole’s has its limits.

White Four: Miserable

You’ve lost everything, Swinemole’s, your dignity and your money. You still have your magical powers, which
are closely monitored through a magical bracelet as part of your plea-bargain. Maybe you constantly see people
you hate having a wonderful life while you suffer. Whatever has happened to you, you’re miserable as an
eyeless newt.

White Five: Desperate

Maybe you’re being blackmailed or maybe you’re on the run. You’re alive but you’re keeping very low, very,
very low. Will you ever live a normal life again? Probably not. Dignity? Not a scrap.

White Six: Sad

Your true love (whoever or whatever it was) is lost to you; your reputation is in tatters. At least you’re still at
Swinemole’s, but in a decidedly more unseemly, underwhelming and unpleasant capacity.

White 7 – 8: Hopeful
Nothing has stuck to your Teflon robe. In fact, your standing at Swinemole’s has improved and you have a bit
more coin in your pocket. You even have a nicer room, one that doesn’t smell of unicorn piss and failure.

White 9 – 10: Happy

You’ve certainly earned a medal, and maybe picked up a lover. If you stay or leave Swinemole’s it’s on your
own terms, and it’s with a mantle of glory covering your shoulders. You’re safe, secure and you got away scot-
free.

White 11+: Triumphant

They’re holding a parade for you; the great courtyard of Swinemole’s now has a statue of you at the very centre.
You appear in magical history books and your picture hangs behind the head of the Principal at Swinemole’s to
impress the punters.
A Swinemole’s School
Insta-Setup
Relationships at Swinemole’s School

For three players...

* Magical: A summoning spell gone terribly wrong
* Crime: Drunkenly killed a Unicorn
* Faculty: Rival teachers wanting the head of department job
For four players, add...
* Romance: Had a Christmas party fling
For five players, add...
* The Past: Were in a cult together

Needs at Swinemole’s School

For three players...

* To get respect… by putting on the show of a lifetime!
For four and five players, add...
* To get even… by taking what’s rightfully yours

Objects at Swinemole’s School

For three or four players...

* Valuable: A dozen phoenix eggs
For five players, add...
* Weapons: A magical sword

Locations at Swinemole’s School

For three, four, or five players...

* The performing arts complex: The main theatre