Dirty Limericks

There once was a fellow McSweeny

Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

There once was a man Robin Hood

Who lived in a Knottingham wood
He learned how to f**k
from old Friar Tuck
And made Marion whenever he could

There once was a fellow O'Doole

Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

A pirate, history relates

Was scuffling with some of his mates
When he slipped on a cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates

There once was a woman named Jill

Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil

There once was a plumber from Lee

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!

A right twisted wench from Caprees-ed

Orgasmed each time that she sneez-ed
To the druggist she went
And laid down her last cent
Said, "A barrel of snuff, if you pleas-ed."

On the moors Kelly walked in a daze

There she'd bark at the moon and the haze
Still her friends weren't concerned
For by now they had learned
Once a month she would go through this phase.
(author's note to the ladies: "She was a werewolf. Now is it funny?")
A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees
When they'd asked him for money
He'd say "Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves."

Now down in the valley of Shneel

Lived a woman who loved to reveal
With her curtains well drawn
Standing bare as a fawn
She'd do this really neat trick with an eel

Now this right old man was a sick 'un

He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'
He'd chase 'em around
With his trousers pulled down
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

A new farmer's helper named Kull

Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!"
Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."

Twas a crazy old man called O'Keef

Who caused local farmers much grief
To their cows he would run
Cut their legs off for fun
And say "Look, I've invented ground beef!"

There once was a man from Madrass

Whose balls were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass

There once was a man from Havana

Screwed a girl on a player piano
At the height of their fever
Her ass hit the lever
And Yes he has no banana...

There once was a man from East Kent

Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save her some trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming...he went
There once was a man from Bonaire
Who was doing his wife on the stair
When the banister broke
He doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair

On a knoll a young maiden named Molly

Her innocence lost through young folly
His name was Sing Chum
And too soon he did cum
And all he could say was "I'm solly!"

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit

"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

There was a young tease from Mount Chesser

Who'd smile as the men would assess her
So flirtatious was she
Inviting them home to tea
Then allowing not one to undress her

To his friend, Ned said, rather blue,

"My wife Edith just told me we're through,
For she says I'm too fat."
And his friend told him that,
"You can't have your cake and Edith, too."

There once was a girl named Tristan

Whose beer that she ordered was was pissed in
She said "I don't think,"
As she spit out her drink,
"On the menu that this one was listed."

Said a fool whose mind was quite miniscule

As his ignorance reached a new pinnacle
"I don't believe in astrology
It's my ideology
But I'm a Leo and Leo's are cynical.

I had me a wench from East Broint

Who bade me her skin to anoint
The girl had arthritis
And so I decided
She wouldn't mind one more stiff joint.
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it."

There was a Young Man from Kent

Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming – he went!

There once was a man from Bel Air

Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air

A strange young fellow from Leeds

Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were covered with weeds.

There once was a man from sprocket

Who went for a ride in a rocket
The rocket went bang
His balls went clang
And he found his dick in his pocket!

There was a young man from Brighton

Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.
He said, “Oh my love,
It fits like a glove.”
Said she, “But you’re not in the right ‘un.”

There was a young girl of Cape Cod

Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But ’twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie –
‘Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!

There once was a man from Madras

Whose balls were made of brass
In stormy weather
They clang together
And sparks fly out of his ass!
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think –
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

There was a young sailor named Bates

Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

I was thrilled when I went to the zoo:

They allowed me to bugger the gnu!
An FRZS
Informed me, “Oh yes,
It’s a privilege allotted to few.”

On the plains of north-central Tibet

They’ve come up with the weirdest thing yet:
They pour blue enamel
Up the arse of a camel
And bugger the beast while it’s wet.

There once was a girl from Madrid

Who found she was having a kid,
So she held in her water
For nine months and a quarter
And drowned the poor bastard, she did.

There once were two ladies from Birmingham,

And this is the story concerning ‘em:
They hitched up the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop, as he was confirming ‘em.

There once was a fellow from Bicester

Who wanted to bugger his sister,
But, not liking dirt,
He purchased a squirt,
And rinsed out her arse with a clyster.

Said the nun, as the Bishop withdrew:

“This must be our final adieu,
For the vicar is thicker
And slicker and quicker
And six inches longer than you.”
There was a young maid of Shallott
Who lived upon shit, piss, and snot.
When these failed to please,
She’d devour the green cheese
That she scraped with a spoon from her twat.

There was a young fellow from Ankara

Who was a terrific wankerer
Till he sowed his wild oats
With the help of a goat
But he didn’t even stop to thankera.

The was an old whore from Azores

Whose cunt was all covered in sores.
The dogs of the street
Wouldn’t eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.

When gay Irish men go to bed

They don’t fit very well, it is said
For John is too tight
And Michael’s too light
But Thomas Fitzpatrick instead

There once was a hermit named Dave

Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He said, “I admit,
I’m a bit of a shit.
But think of the money I save.”

There was a young strumpet of Lilliput,

Who, into her snatch a dwarf’s willy-put,
When they enquired: "Howd'it feel ?",
She said: "Hmm… a great deal
Like a blue whale, his dick, in a filly-put!"