Adolescent Romantic Relationships PDF

ADOLESCENT ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
by
Brent Baskin
October 22, 2009

TABLE OF CONTENTS
Page
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
Historical Context . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2
Phases of Adolescent Romantic Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Initiation Phase . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Affiliation Phase . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
Intimate Phase . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
Commited Phase . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Summary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
Consequences for Early Adolescent Dating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9
The Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11
Parent Influences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
Peer Influences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19
Religious Influences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
Self-Esteem Influences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22
Media Influences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
Current Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Technology . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...25
Homosexuality . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .30
Hooking Up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..31
Dating Violence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
ii
Female Aggression . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
Theological Reflections . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
Student Ministry Implications . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .41
Appendix
1. FEMALE FLIRTATIOUS BEHAVIORS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .42
BIBLIOGRAPHY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .46
iii
Romantic Relationships
ADOLESCENT ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
Introduction
During adolescence, the number of peer relationships continues to grow.
Coinciding with the onset of puberty, peer interest begins to move towards members of
the opposite sex.1 As students age, the quality of these relationships improve.2 From
within these mixed-sex relationships, romantic relationships often develop.3
These romantic relationships form a part of the students’ overall development.
Students' social, mental, emotional, and spiritual development either influence romantic
development or respond to romantic choices. While most students follow typical dating
patterns, student ministers and others interested in teenage romantic development should
make themselves aware of recent issues facing teens. By using this information, adults
can provide a safe environment for students to develop their romantic skills and
relationships.
1
Duane Buhrmester and Wyndol Furman, “The Development of
Companionship and Intimacy,” Child Development 58, no. 4 (1987): 1105.
2
Ibid.
3
Jennifer Connolly, Wyndol Furman, and Roman Konarski, “The Role of Peers
in the Emergence of Heterosexual Romantic Relationships in Adolescence,” Child
Development, 71, no. 5 (2000): 1405; and Tanja Nieder and Inge Seffge-Krenke, “Coping
with Stress in Different Phases of Romantic Development,” Journal of Adolescence, 24,
no. 3 (2001): 297.
1
Romantic Relationships 2
Historical Context
Contemporary American culture allows students to pick their own mates.4 The
pattern usually follows as dating, engagement, and then marriage.5 However, this cultural
trend did not evolve in America until the 1900’s. Previously, males “came calling” on
females. Males requested permission from the prospective mate’s family to “call” on her.
Couples sat and visited under the supervision of the young woman’s family. The male’s
intent in “calling” was marriage. This usually occurred in late adolescence into their
twenties.6
Urban life lacked opportunities for calling. Many lower income families
crowded into tiny apartments. These families lacked room for males to call upon their
daughters. Thus, interaction between the sexes moved to public places such as dance
halls and movie theaters.7 Upper class youth desired the same relationship freedom as the
lower class youth. As a result, by the 1920’s, dating had replaced calling completely.8
4
Steve Gerali, Teenage Guys: Exploring Issues Adolescent Guys Face and
Strategies to Help Them, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2006), 229.
5
W.D. Manning, M. A. Longmore, and P. C. Giordano, “The Changing
Institution of Marriage: Adolescents' Expectations to Cohabit and to Marry,” Journal of
Marriage and Family, 69, no. 3 (2007): 559.
6
Beth L. Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in Twentieth-
Century America, (Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University Press 1988), 13; and Ginny
Olson, Teenage Girls: Exploring Issues Adolescent Girls Face and Strategies to Help
Them, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2006), 83.
7
Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat, 18.
8
Ibid., 17.
Phases of Adolescent Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships, similar to many other areas of development in teens,
tend to follow a progression. The key research in this area is by Jennifer Connolly of
York University and Adele Goldberg of Princeton University who contend that romantic
relationships form from the context of peer relationships.9 Other researchers contribute to
this foundational work. Their findings and observations will provide additional insight
into the romantic development of teens.
Initiation Phase
The initiation phase of romantic relationships in teens begins from pre-
adolescence to early adolescence.10 While interest in the opposite sex begins at the
initiation phase, most relationship attention remains on same-sex peers.11 Same-sex peers
tend to stay in large groups. Large groups provide security through anonymity as well as
opportunities to observe and make notes about how one should act.12 Within the larger
group, a smaller group forms based on interests and abilities.13
The romantic attention and selection process during this phase is superficial,
9
“Romantic Relationships in Adolescence: The Role of Friends and Peers in
Their Emergence and Development,” in The Development of Romantic Relationships in
Adolescence, ed. Wyndol Furman, B. Bradford Brown, and Candice Feiring (New York:
Cambridge University, 1999): 278-80.
10
S. Shulman and I. Seiffge-Krenke, “Adolescent Romance: between
Experience and Relationships,” Journal of Adolescence, 24, no. 3 (2001), 418.
11
M. M. Moore, “Courtship Signaling and Adolescents: ‘Girls Just Wanna
Have Fun?” Journal of Sex Research, 32, no. 4 (1995): 326.
12
Gerali, Teenage Guys, 216.
13
Ibid.
mainly focusing on physical characteristics.14 Early adolescent students typically choose
romantic partners similar to themselves, which is what they consider appealing and
attractive.15 This is not surprising since, in most cases, early adolescents choose romantic
partners who share similar interests from within the mixed peer group. During early
adolescence and in some cases middle adolescence, the choices in potential partners do
not always lead to actual interaction.16
When interactions do take place, they are usually weak attempts at establishing
a romantic relationship such as text messages or phone calls.17 One potential partner
normally has more interest in a relationship than the other partner does. As a result, these
relationships do not allow for an open dialogue about desired expectations or feelings,
and, thus are rarely romantically sustainable.18
Affiliation Phase
14
Connolly and Goldberg, “Romantic Relationships in Adolescence,” 278;
Shulman and Seiffge-Krenke, “Romantic Experience and Relationships,” 418; and Olson,
Teenage Girls, 85.
15
Valerie A. Simon, Julie Wargo Aikins, and Mitchell J. Prinstein, “Romantic
Partner Selection and Socialization During Early Adolescence,” Child Development, 79,
no. 6 (2008): 1687.
16
Shulman and Seiffge-Krenke, “Romantic Experience and Relationships,” 418; and Rivka
Tuval-Mashiach, et al., “Romantic Fantasies, Cross-Gender Friendships, and Romantic
Experiences in Adolescence,” Journal of Adolescent Research, 23, no. 4 (2008): 478.
17
Connolly and Goldberg, “Romantic Relationships in Adolescence,” 278.
18
Shulman and Seiffge-Krenke, “Romantic Experience and Relationships,”
422.
During the affiliation phase, students often gather in mixed-sex groups.19 As
students age, the number of opposite-sex friends increases.20 This interaction with
members of the opposite sex allows students to take note of behaviors and attitudes of the
other sex. Thus, students develop a more comfortable feeling around the opposite sex and
can begin to engage them. These interactions are not intimate and usually focus on social
settings such as sporting events, parties, and breaks between classes.21
The focus in the affiliation phase is on companionship, rather than intimacy.22
Companionship defines the friendship (although some teens, especially in early
adolescence, believe it to be a romantic relationship). Through companionship, students
have the opportunity to develop trust and confidence without the exclusivity of a
romantic relationship. For girls in middle adolescence, physical characteristics in mate
selection give way to personality and character features such as trust, sense of humor,
kind-heartedness, and good listening skills.23 These are social characteristics rather than
19
Jennifer Connolly, et al., “Conceptions of Cross-Sex Friendships and Romantic
Relationships in Early Adolescence,” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 28, no. 4
(1999): 488; Shulman and Seiffge-Krenke, “Romantic Experience and Relationships,”
422; and Gerali, Teenage Guys, 217.
20
Connolly, Furman, and Konarski, “The Role of Peers in Romantic
Relationships,” 1398.
21
Connolly and Goldberg, “Romantic Relationships in Adolescence,” 278; and
Shulman and Seiffge-Krenke, “Romantic Experience and Relationships,” 420.
22
Connolly et al., “Adolescent Conceptions of Romance,” 489; Shulman and Seiffge-
Krenke, “Romantic Experience and Relationships,” 418; and K. Rambaree, “Internet-
Mediated Dating/Romance of Mauritian Early Adolescents: A Grounded Theory
Analysis,” Australian Journal of Emerging Technologies and Society, 6, no. 1 (2008): 45.
23
Olson, Teenage Girls, 85.
deep moral or ideological issues similar to religious beliefs and values. Boys focus on
physical characteristics until late adolescence.24
Awkwardness best describes adolescent behavior in the affiliation phase.
Students begin to learn the process of interacting with the opposite sex in hopes of a
romantic relationship. Many boys at this stage have trouble communicating with girls and
often feel uncomfortable, especially when communicating romantic interests.25 Girls are
learning how to communicate as well, but their awkwardness comes from learning the
non-verbal cues of romantic relationships: flirting.
Flirting is an indirect female attempt to express interest in a male while
creating the illusion it is the male who is pursing the relationship.26 Flirting is not passive.
A girl sends active and intentional signals to the male in hopes of his showing an interest
in her. Girls learn these behaviors over time. Although adolescent girls do not use
flirtatious behaviors as often as adult females, girls often use them in more exaggerated
movements.27 For instance, teenage girls often use playful behavior such as hitting,
taking food, and pinching. Whereas young women would do this lightly, young girls
might aggressively hit or pinch.28
24
Ibid.
25
Peggy C. Giordano, Monica A. Longmore, and Wendy D. Manning, “Gender
and the Meaning of Adolescent Romantic Relationships: A Focus on Boys,” American
Sociological Review, 71, no. 2 (2006): 272.
26
Moore, “Courtship Signaling and Adolescents,” 321.
27
Ibid., 325.
28
Ibid.
Intimate Phase
During the intimate phase of adolescent romantic relationships, the large group
of peers regroups into opposite sex pairs.29 The focus of the paired relationship is
intimacy and often sexual activity.30 Early adolescents typically do not reach this phase in
their relationships.31 The ability to show intimacy does not develop until middle or late
adolescence. Unfortunately, because of inexperience in this new phase of romantic
development, many teens mistake intimacy for sexual activity.32 Intimacy can be a part of
sexual activity but not exclusively. Intimacy, deep feelings of emotional attachment,
often leads to sexual activity.
Steve Gerali, youth ministry professor at Azusa Pacific and author of books in
youth development and teen issues, believes that in the best interest of a male’s romantic
development, this phase should include another male best friend before a girl friend.33
Unfortunately, in today’s culture, the perception of masculinity does not allow such a
relationship. Gerali contends a male needs the practice of opening up emotionally to
another male whom he trusts. Thus, a male learns intimacy in more than a physical
relationship. This deeply connected emotional relationship (not a homosexual
relationship) serves as a support and training ground for the young man in future
29
30
Connolly and Goldberg, “Romantic Relationships in Adolescence,” 279; and
Shulman and Seiffge-Krenke, “Romantic Experience and Relationships,” 418.
31
Connolly, et al., “Adolescent Conceptions of Romance,” 491.
32
Giordano, Longmore, and Manning, “Adolescent Romantic Relationships,”
282.
33
Teenage Guys, 221.
romantic relationships. Future relationships benefit because the male has a better
understanding of what intimacy truly means.
Committed Phase
In the committed phase, the adolescent romantic relationships are established
and exclusive at times, resembling the marriage relationship.34 This phase is more typical
in late adolescents.35 During late adolescence, students have fewer but more intense
relationships.36 Late adolescents lengthen and maintain a committed relationship because
of their ability to be more caring towards their romantic partner.37 They are also better at
resolving conflict within the relationship.38
Summary
A romantic relationship in students is a continual process from peer groups
towards a committed romantic relationship with an opposite sex partner. It begins in pre-
adolescence and continues through late adolescence into young adulthood. In the
beginning of the romantic process, most mixed-sex relationships occur in groups.39 By
34
35
Ibid.
36
Ann Meier and Gina Allen, “Romantic Relationships from Adolescence to
Young Adulthood: Evidence from the Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health,” The
Sociological Quarterly, 50, no. 2 (2009): 321.
37
420.
38
Nieder and Seiffge-Krenke, “Coping and Romantic Stress,” 305.
39
Meier and Allen, “Young Adult Relationship Formation,” 310-11.
middle adolescence, these relationships begin to move towards companionship, and
eventually, towards emotional and physical intimacy with the opposite sex. Because
intimacy and the ability to maintain a long-term relationship do not develop until late
adolescence, consideration should be given as to whether or not early adolescents should
be encouraged to pursue romantic relationships.40 This concept merits further discussion.
Consequences of Early Adolescent Dating
The purpose of dating is to find a compatible mate for companionship and
eventual marriage. However, intimacy is weakest during early adolescence.41 In light of
this, detrimental ramifications tend to occur in early and middle adolescent romantic
relationships. A young teen (boy or girl) who chooses to have an exclusive romantic
partner risks development in other areas.42
Socially, young adolescents involved in a romantic relationship experience
greater amounts of conflict with their parents.43 The romantic couple also risk alienating
friends for the sake of spending time as a couple.44 As stated earlier, the peer group is an
important aspect of students’ social development. On a more positive note, younger
students considered high functioning (popular and low on depressive symptoms) increase
40
41
42
Ibid.
43
Bonnie B. Dowdy and Wendy Kliewer, “Dating, Parent-Adolescent Conflict,
and Behavioral Autonomy,” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 27, no. 4 (1998): 481.
44
423.
the popularity and lower the depressive symptoms of their romantic partners.45 They also
lower their partner’s level of relational aggression. However, lower functioning romantic
partners have no effect on their partner.46
Academically, romantic relationships in early to mid- adolescence show a
decrease in grade point average.47 A student’s level of motivation to do well in school
also diminishes.48 In addition, sexual behavior decreases grade point average and
academic motivation as well.49
Emotionally, many students have difficulty handling the emotional stress of the
romantic relationship. Romantic stress includes anxiety from not having a relationship or
fear of hurting the romantic partner’s feelings. Students in a romantic relationship report
more depressive symptoms than those not in a relationship.50 Romantic stress reaches its
45
Simon, Aikins, and Prinstein, “Romantic Partner Selection and
Socialization,” 1688.
46
Ibid., 1689.
47
T. Quatman, et al., “Academic, Motivational, and Emotional Correlates of
Adolescent Dating,” Genetic, Social, and General Psychology Monographs, 127, no. 2
(2001): 225; and Meier and Allen, “Young Adult Relationship Formation,” 319.
48
Melanie J. Zimmer-Gembeck, Jessica Siebenbruner, and W. Andrew Collins,
“Diverse Aspects of Dating: Associations with Psychosocial Functioning from Early to
Middle Adolescence,” Journal of Adolescence, 24, no. 3 (2001): 327; and Quatman, et
al., “Correlates of Adolescent Dating,” 221.
49
Rebecca L. Collins, et al., “Watching Sex on Television Predicts Adolescent
Initiation of Sexual Behavior,” Pediatrics, 114, no. 3 (2004): 284.
50
Quatman, et al., “Correlates of Adolescent Dating,” 221; Meier and Allen,
“Young Adult Relationship Formation,” 319; and Zimmer-Gembeck, Siebenbruner and
Collins, “Dating and Psychosocial Functioning,” 327.
highest point at age fourteen.51 One suggested cause is that younger students lack the
ability to cope with romantic stress.52 The addition of sexual activity in a relationship
increases depressive symptoms in the younger and middle-aged students.53
In relation to physical development, students develop at different ages. Some
students develop at earlier ages than others do. Those who develop early have a greater
risk of early romantic involvement, and, thus greater dating experience.54 Accordingly,
the more romantic partners one has increases the chances of a sexual encounter during
adolescence.55
For younger adolescents to continue healthy development, limitations on early
exclusive dating are necessary.56 As they develop the necessary skills in late adolescence,
students are better prepared to handle the emotional and physical aspects of the romantic
relationships.
The Date
Dating is the normal means for a romantic relationship to develop. Certain
51
52
Ibid., 304.
53
Geoffrey Ream, “Reciprocal Effects between the Perceived Environment and
Heterosexual Intercourse Among Adolescents,” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 35,
no. 5 (2006): 777.
54
Zimmer-Gembeck, Siebenbruner, and Collins, “Dating and Psychosocial
Functioning,” 319.
55
Mark Regnerus and Laura Luchies, “The Parent-Child Relationship and
Opportunities for Adolescents First Sex,” Journal of Family Issues, 27, no. 2 (2006): 174;
and Meier and Allen, “Young Adult Relationship Formation,” 326.
56
Gerali, Teenage Guys, 280-81; and Olson, Teenage Girls, 85.
expectations for dating need evaluation to determine what the romantic couple expects
when together. Men and women typically follow understood dating patterns, or dating
scripts. Each sex has assumed roles. The assumed pattern for men is in Figure 1. Figure 2
contains the assumed pattern for women.
1. Ask someone out.
2. Decide on the plans.
3. Call the woman on the day of the date.
4. Prepare car for the date.
5. Buy flowers for the woman.
6. Pick her up.
7. Open the door for her during the date.
8. Pay all the bills.
9. Return partner to her home.
Figure 1: Dating Scripts of Men57
Another dating issue is the defined roles of men and women while on the date.
The most researched are gender roles related to romantic sexual activity. Typically, it is
understood that the male is the initiator of physical contact while the female is the
controller of physical activity.58 Females control the physical activity by setting
57
Mary Riege Laner, and Nicole A. Ventrone. “Dating Scripts Revisited,”
Journal of Family Issues, 21, no. 4 (2000): 493. Sample size was 90% Caucasian and late
adolescent.
58
A.M. Bartoli and M. D. Clark, “The Dating Game: Similarities and
Differences in Dating Scripts Among College Students,” Sexuality and Culture, 10, no. 4
boundaries. These boundaries are set by age (“not until I turn 18”), relational standards
(marriage or in love), or until females feel they are ready.59 Neither men nor women
expect the man to be the one responsible for setting the limit to physical contact.60
1. Wait to be asked for a date.
2. Buy new clothes.
3. Wait to be picked up for the date.
4. Introduce date to her family or roommate(s).
5. Eat lightly at dinner.
6. Primp in the bathroom during the evening.
7. Lead in deep conversations.
8. Call a friend after the date to discuss the date and/or her partner
Figure 2: Dating Scripts of Women61
Regrettably, even boundaries do not stop sexual contact from occurring within
an adolescent romantic relationship. First, the male is often older than the female in the
relationship.62 The wider the age-range, the more difficult for the female to tell her
________________________
(2006): 71; and Elizabeth Morgan and Eileen Zurbriggen, “Wanting Sex and Wanting to
Wait: Young Adults' Accounts of Sexual Messages from First Significant Dating
Partners,” Feminism & Psychology, 17, no. 4 (2007): 537.
59
Morgan and Zurbriggen, “Wanting Sex and Wanting to Wait,” 527.
60
Bartoli and Clark, “The Dating Game,” 76.
61
Laner and Ventrone, “Dating Scripts Revisited,” 493. Sample size was 90%
Caucasian and late adolescent.
62
Tuval-Mashiach et al., “Romantic Experiences,” 481.
partner "no."63 Secondly, substances such as alcohol impair judgment and increase the
likelihood of sexual activity.64
Additionally, requests for greater physical activity (beyond set limits by the
female) often occur during the “heat of the moment.”65 The girl believes physical contact
is an emotional connection, therefore, weakening her guard.66 The female, desiring an
even deeper emotional connection, removes the physical limitations. Subsequently, the
male often plays upon the emotions of the female through verbal requests. He will
associate sexual contact with words such as “if you love me” or “trust me.”67
Finally, if the female still maintains her physical limits, threats of the male
leaving or expressing frustration in the relationship may occur.68 As a result, girls often
forgo their standards in an attempt to save the relationship and please their mate.69
Sadly, many of these relationships end anyway. Physical activity did not
63
Irma T. Elo, Rosalind, Berkowitz King, and Frank F., Jr Furstenberg.
“Adolescent Females: Their Sexual Partners and the Fathers of Their Children,” Journal
of Marriage and the Family, 61, no. 1 (1999): 81.
64
65
66
Connolly, et al., “Adolescent Conceptions of Romance,” 489.
67
68
Ibid.
69
Morgan and Zurbriggen, “Wanting Sex and Wanting to Wait,” 524; and M.
L. Parker, J.M. Bermudez, and R. Neustifter, “Kite in Flight: Girls' Identity and
Empowerment in Dating Relationships,” Journal of Feminist Family Therapy, 19, no.4
(2007): 7.
increase feelings of love.70 As developmental psychology researchers in sexuality,
Morgan and Zurbriggen state, “Sexual experience educates males and females for future
relationships.71 This education ingrains male and female roles in relationships.
Unfortunately, these roles are often negative since most adolescent relationships do not
last and lack the intimacy of a marriage relationship.
Parent Influences
Until adolescence, the only intimate relationship a teenager knows centers on
the parents. Therefore, parents can influence their young teens in the romantic
relationship process. Parents assist teenagers in understanding proper behavior in the
romantic relationship and providing a model of love and support through the parent-teen
relationship.72 Both of these supply a context for the development of future teen romantic
relationships.
Students will understand parental expectations and concerns if parents and
students develop and maintain consistent and open communication about romantic
relationships.73 Communication about proper dating behaviors reduces the likelihood of
70
276.
71
“Wanting Sex and Wanting to Wait,” 534.
72
Wendy D. Manning, Monica A. Longmore, and Peggy C. Giordano, “The
Changing Institution of Marriage: Adolescents' Expectations to Cohabit and to Marry,”
Journal of Marriage and Family, 69, no. 3 (2007): 573.
73
Margaret Baier, and Karen Wampler, “A Qualitative Study of Southern
Baptist Mothers' and Their Daughters' Attitudes Toward Sexuality,” Journal of
Adolescent Research, 23, no. 1 (2008): 40.
sexual activity in teens.74 This communication ideally occurs before the onset of romantic
relationships (early adolescence) and with frequent reminders throughout adolescence.
Unfortunately, many parents wait until romantic relationships begin before
communicating their thoughts and expectations about proper parameters and behaviors.75
Previously, this paper stated the difficulties associated with romantic
relationships in students. Through this emotionally complicated relationship, students
rely on parents for emotional support. Interestingly, relational support is not associated
with peers, only parents.76 Many peers lack full development in the care-giving qualities;
therefore, parents, understandably, provide key emotional support for their students
during romantic relationships. Emotional support is beneficial from both mothers and
fathers. Mothers’ emotional support decreases the likelihood of adolescents (sons or
daughters) becoming victims of dating violence.77 Furthermore, fathers provide their sons
someone to turn to for strong emotional support in a safe environment (free from
homosexual stereotypes and sexual feelings).78
74
Laurie L. Meschke, Suzanne Bartholomae, and Shannon R. Zentall.
“Adolescent Sexuality and Parent-Adolescent Processes: Promoting Healthy Teen
Choices,” Family Relations, 49, no. 2 (2000): 152; Collins et al., “Sex on TV and
Adolescent Behavior,” 285; and Regnerus and Luchies, “Adolescent’s First Sex,” 174.
75
Baier and Wampler, “Mother’s and Daughters’ Attitudes Toward Sexuality,”
40.
76
W. Furman, et al., “Adolescents' Working Models and Styles for
Relationships with Parents, Friends, and Romantic Partners,” Child Development, 73, no.
1 (2002): 249.
77
J. C. Pflieger and A. T. Vazsonyi, “Parenting Processes and Dating Violence:
the Mediating Role of Self-Esteem in Low- and High-SES Adolescents,” Journal of
Adolescence, 29, no. 4 (2006): 504.
78
Gerali, Teenage Guy, 226.
Parent monitoring of students during adolescent romantic relationships
provides another aspect of parental influence Parents who monitor remain more aware of
their students’ behaviors, relationship decisions, and activities. Through monitoring,
parents have the ability to focus their students less on romantic relationships and more on
appropriate behaviors such as academics and peer relationships.79 The students benefit
because parental monitoring reduces the likelihood of sexual behavior.80 On the other
hand, lack of maternal monitoring increased the probability of students falling victim to
dating violence.81
Romantic relationships during adolescence allow students to develop intimacy
(emotional, mental, and physical) with someone other than parents. The guidance and
closeness parents provide during this critical time serve as foundations for developing
romantic closeness and future marriage for their adolescents.
Closeness is the “feelings of affection, connectedness, and warmth.”82 Parental
closeness relates to students’ development of future relationship attachment. For girls, a
close relationship with their mother helps with the girls’ abilities to stay committed
during dating relationships.83 For boys, closeness to their fathers relates to relationship
79
Parker, Bermudez, and Neustifter, “Kite in Flight,” 10.
80
Meschke, Bartholomae, and Zentall, “Adolescent Sexuality and Parent-
Adolescent Processes,” 152; and Collins et al., “Sex on TV and Adolescent Behavior,”
284.
81
Pflieger and Vazsonyi, “Parenting Processes and Dating Violence,” 504.
82
Regnerus and Luchies, “Adolescent’s First Sex,” 161.
83
Sandra Duemmler, and Roger Kobak, “The Development of Commitment
and Attachment in Dating Relationships: Attachment Security As Relationship
Construct,” Journal of Adolescence, 24, no. 3 (2001): 410.
commitment, while mothers’ relationships assist with future romantic attachment.84
Adolescent behavior in romantic relations also relates to parent-teen closeness.
For younger girls, a close relationship with their mothers may reduce the likelihood of
sexual involvement.85 On the negative side, the lack of maternal closeness increases the
likelihood of a male committing dating violence.86 Overall, parent-teen closeness
associates with positive outcomes regarding teens’ decisions about sexual involvement.87
The parental influence upon their students’ romantic relationship may create a
more difficult parent-teen relationship. The students’ pursuit and maintenance of
romantic relationships creates a great source of conflict between parents and teenagers.
Dating students experience more conflict with their parents than non-dating students.88 Of
those dating, the younger students face greater conflicts than older students do.89
Parents and teens should work to resolve these conflicts. Continued conflict
results in an increased likelihood of sexual activity among adolescents.90 As students
mature, conflict reduces because of better communication, greater understanding of
resolving conflict, or greater adolescent independence over time.
84
Ibid.
85
Regnerus and Luchies, “Adolescent’s First Sex,” 175.
86
87
Meschke, Bartholomae, and Zentall, “Adolescent Sexuality and Parent-
Adolescent Processes,” 152.
88
Dowdy and Kliewer, “Dating, Conflict, and Autonomy,” 481.
89
Ibid.
90
Ream, “Reciprocal Effects Between Environment and intercourse,” 778.
Parental influence deserves one final look because of the connection between
parental and peer influence. While the influence of parents on adolescent romantic
relationships is strong, parents do not appear to have the same impact on the mate
selection process. Peers often influence the selection of a mate. More than likely peer
influence in this area results from where selection takes place (church youth groups or
school normally away from parental involvement).91 However, parents have an indirect
influence on mate selection because they have a direct influence on peer selection.92
Parents’ expectations of friends for their adolescents highly influence peer selections
from which peer groups develop. As stated earlier, it is through those peer groups that the
romantic relationships develop.93 Romantic expectations develop from the expectations
of peers. Therefore, parents indirectly can influence romantic expectations by setting high
peer expectations, which eventually affect future romantic relationships.94
Peer Influences
As students enter adolescence, their personal relationship focus transitions
from parents to peers.95 Teenagers begin to spend more time with their peers than they do
with their parents. It is within peer groups that ideas and concepts for romantic
91
92
Furman, et al., “Adolescents with Parents, Friends, and Romantic Partners,”
250.
93
Ibid., 247.
94
Ibid., 250.
95
Buhrmester and Furman, “Companionship and Intimacy,” 1108.
relationships develop.96 As students age, the peer group becomes a greater influence on
romantic relationships.97
Peer groups also serve as a support base for romantic relationships. When
dealing with the stress of a romantic relationship, talking with friends rates one of the
highest priorities among teenagers aged fourteen to seventeen.98
The modeling of romantic behavior from other peers can influence future
romantic relationships. A more “experienced” girl within the peer group may serve as a
guide for others who often mimic her behaviors since she is the one with the most
“success.”99 This is especially true of students (boys or girls) within older peer groups
(friends older than the students) as they increase the likelihood of sexual activity.100
Many romantic relationships often form through the instigation and negotiation
of peers.101 This sometimes occurs without the romantic prospect’s knowledge as in the
illustration found in Figure 3.
Peer groups are associated with relationship expectations.102 During early
adolescence, the social expectations of peer groups may prove unrealistic since many
96
Connolly, Furman, and Konarski, “The Role of Peers in Romantic
Relationships,” 1406.
97
Buhrmester and Furman, “Companionship and Intimacy,” 1109.
98
99
Moore, “Courtship Signaling and Adolescents,” 325.
100
Collins, et al., “Sex on TV and Adolescent Behavior,” 284.
101
102
Furman, et al., “Adolescents with Parents, Friends, and Romantic Partners,”
250.
have no experience in a romantic relationship.103 Early adolescents are often jealous of
the time a friend spends with a romantic partner instead of with the peer group. As
students enter into late adolescence, cultural expectations come into play. College
students, especially those in sorority and fraternity life, feel a greater expectation from
their peers to include sexual activity and alcohol in their romantic relationships.104
Susie texts Bill and asks if he likes Jenny. He texts back that he does like
Jenny. Susie then texts Bill to see where he will be this afternoon. Bill texts back that he
is going to the mall with some friends. Susie then texts Jenny and tells her Bill likes her,
and that he will be at the mall this afternoon if she wants to go see him. Susie also offers
to go with her. Susie, Jenny, and some other friends go to the mall and find Bill and his
friends. (Baskin)
Figure 3: Peer Initiation of a Romantic Relationship
Since peer groups typically influence mate selection in adolescent romantic
relationships, peer selection plays an extremely important role for adolescents. The next
section provides a positive avenue in which peer groups can grow.
Religious Influences
Religion plays an important role in adolescent romantic development and
factors into sexual activity among young men and women. As stated earlier, many
103
423.
104
romantic relationships form from peers because of similar values, beliefs, and attitudes.
105
Religious teachings help adolescents develop their core values and beliefs.
Regular church attendance and an active faith help delay sexual activity.106
While sexual activity commonly occurs in adolescents, those active in religious activities
abstain from sex more frequently. Even among young men, religious conviction plays a
role in lack of sexual interest.107
Religiosity has great benefits for romantic relationships, especially in the
prevention of sexual activity. It also serves as a common bond for many romantic
partners.
Self-Esteem Influence
According to the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, self-esteem is “a confidence
and satisfaction in oneself”. Self-esteem affects an individual’s thoughts and feelings on
his or her romantic relationship. A high self-esteem improves feelings of relationship
quality and satisfaction.108 Relationship satisfaction relates to a positive self-concept in
areas such as how one views his or her own personal romantic appeal and perceived
105
Rambaree, “Internet-Mediated Dating,” 45.
106
S. A. Hardy, and M. Raffaelli, “Adolescent Religiosity and Sexuality: An
Investigation of Reciprocal Influences,” Journal of Adolescence, 26, no. 6 (2003): 737;
and Regnerus and Luchies, “Adolescent’s First Sex,” 174; Meier and Allen, “Young
Adult Relationship Formation,” 322; and Collins et al., “Sex on TV and Adolescent
Behavior,” 285.
107
108
Meier and Allen, “Young Adult Relationship Formation,” 319; and A.
Sciangula, and M. M. Morry, “Self-Esteem and Perceived Regard: How I See Myself
Affects My Relationship Satisfaction,” Journal of Social Psychology, 149, no. 2 (2009):
153.
social acceptance. Higher self-esteem provides greater relationship confidence.109
Conversely, poor self-esteem has a negative impact on the individual. Those with self-
doubt report more negative relationship experiences and lower relationship
satisfaction.110
Self-esteem may provide an indicator of the student’s feelings about the
relationship, but not the activities of the relationship.111 For example, no difference in
self-esteem occurs between those sexually active, pregnant, or still virgins.112 Therefore,
even though self-esteem does affect how one views the relationship, other factors play a
more significant role in behaviors within the relationship.
Media Influence
The media ranks third behind parents and friends in the influence on
adolescent romantic relationships.113 Media influences romantic relationships in a variety
109
272.
110
Sciangula and Morry, “Self-Esteem and Perceived Regard,” 154.
111
Quatman, et al., “Correlates of Adolescent Dating,” 226.
112
Nilufer P. Medora and Cheryl von der Hellen, “Romanticism and Self-
Esteem Among Teen Mothers,” Adolescence, 32, no. 128 (1997): 818; Rachel B.
Robinson and Deborah I. Frank, “The Relation between Self-Esteem, Sexual Activity,
and Pregnancy,” Adolescence, 29, no. 113 (1994): 29; Robert E. Rector, Kirk A. Johnson,
and Jennifer A. Marshall, “Teens Who Make Virginity Pledges Have Substantially
Improved Life Outcomes,” accessed October 21, 2009; available from
http://www.heritage.org/Research/Family/upload/70745_1.pdf; .PDF; and Collins et al.,
“Sex on TV and Adolescent Behavior,” 285.
113
Les Parrott, Helping the Struggling Adolescent: A Guide to Thirty-Six
Common Problems for Counselors, Pastors, and Youth Workers. (Grand Rapids:
Zondervan, 2000), 342.
of ways. Media portrays male virgins as inept losers who find, with the help of their
friends, their crowning achievement in having sex as in the movie 40 Year Old Virgin
(2005).114 Girls face the same battle. Typically, their battle arises from print media like
magazines such as Seventeen. Teen magazines promote an easy attitude toward sex.115
Unfortunately, the more girls read magazines depicting sex and teen issues, the more
likely they are to think of themselves as unattractive and overweight.116
Media also fails to present an accurate depiction of human development.
Television often shows males must play out their sexual desires because of their
testosterone levels. They can accomplish this through comedy such as in the movie
American Pie (1999) or through showing the pain and suffering of not meeting the male
sexual need as in the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights (2002). As a result, males in real life
believe they must present themselves as more sexually driven than they really are.117
When TV shows sex, it rarely displays the consequences.118 Instead, sex
appears as recreation, sport, and even at times violent. The necessary aspects of a
relationship such as warmth, caring, and intimacy are removed from the plot of today’s
media markets.119 These images have their influences on teenagers. The more TV with
114
115
Wendy Shalit, “Teen Magazines Encourage Teen Sex,” in Teen Sex, ed.
Tamara L. Roleff (San Diego: Greenhaven Press), 95.
116
Ibid., 96.
117
118
Parrott, Helping the Struggling Adolescent, 342.
119
Deborah M. Roffman, “Parents Should Talk to Their Children about Sexual
Values,” in Teen Sex, ed. Tamara L. Roleff (San Diego: Greenhaven Press), 61.
sexual content (behavior or talk) that teenagers watch, the greater likelihood of the
initiation of sexual intercourse (doubled the chances) and non-intercourse sexual
activity.120
The one positive of the media occurs when TV exposes the risk of sex. Teens
who view these images and programs are less likely to participate in non-intercourse
sexual behavior such as petting or oral sex.121 Unfortunately, TV produces only a
miniscule amount of positive images and shows in comparison to those that fail to depict
the truth about sexual activity...
Current Issues
Technology
Technology comprises a major part of students’ lives today. The vast majority
of teens have cell phones and computers. Teens use these to gain instant access to their
friends and the world. Natural curiosity drives students to explore the Internet.122 With its
vast amount of information and easy access, students obtain information as never before.
They connect with people all over the world. Many teens often turn to technology to
search for romantic relationships. However, students rarely comprehend the inherent
danger and the magnitude of technology as a whole.
Romantic seekers using the Internet look for qualities not much different from
120
Collins, et al., “Sex on TV and Adolescent Behavior,” 284.
121
Ibid.
122
traditional daters.123 The differences appear in the communication and the process of
developing the relationship. In traditional dating, physical characteristics are often the
focus. In cyber-dating, no physical meeting takes place initially; therefore, characteristics
such as interests and values play a larger role.124 In order to bring physical characteristics
into the initial relationship, potential romantic partners describe themselves through
either e-mail or chat.125 In many cases, people exaggerate their physical appearance in
order to enhance the mental image.126
Late adolescents may subscribe to online dating services, which require users
to be eighteen years of age.127 These websites (eHarmony.com, True.com, Match.com,
etc.) ask potential romantic partners to provide a photograph, age, gender, location,
weight or body type, education level, and income. In addition, these websites give areas
for describing oneself and often an assessment to determine compatibility with potential
dates. These usually cost fees ranging from $10-50 per month.128
Younger teens use social networking sites. In 2009, social networking sites
(Facebook was #2 and MySpace was #4) rank among the top websites used on the
123
Larry D. Rosen et al., “The Impact of Emotionality and Self-Disclosure on
Online Dating Versus Traditional Dating,” Computers in Human Behavior. 24 (2008):
2154.
124
125
Rosen, et al, “Online Versus Traditional Dating,” 2126.
126
127
“Sex and Tech: Results from a Survey of Teens and Young Adults.”
accessed October 16, 2009; available from http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/
sextech/PDF/SexTech_Summary.pdf; .PDF, 7.
128
Rosen,et al, “Online Versus Traditional Dating,” 2125-6.
Internet.129 Since most social networking sites provide a chat or e-mail feature, early
adolescents can find a caring and supportive environment, especially for those who feel a
lack of affection.130 Often these relationships remain private, away from parental
knowledge and from “real” world friends.131
Another current trend in technology is the use of “sexting,” the posting or
sending of sexually graphic messages or images.132 These pass on personal images and
messages, not downloads from websites or search engines.133 Over half of all teenagers
send or receive sexually graphic images or messages.134 This begins at a young age
(eleven percent of teen girls thirteen to sixteen) and continues to grow as adolescents
move into young adulthood.135 Most of these are private messages and images, intended
only for either a boyfriend or girlfriend. Unfortunately, these images become public if
one of the teens forwards the message or shows them to friends.136
Sexting texts and images create problems.137 Due to the concise nature of text
129
“Dashboards – ‘Top 20 Sites & Engines,’” accessed October 16, 2009;
available from http://www.hitwise.com/us/datacenter/main/dashboard-10133.html;
Internet.
130
131
Ibid., 50.
132
Sex and Tech, 1
133
Ibid., 5.
134
Ibid., 11.
135
Ibid., 1.
136
Ibid., 2.
137
messages, they can send the wrong message. Those messages, intended as jokes, come
across as an expectation for future sexual relationships.138
The technological world creates many dangers teens remain unaware of until
too late. Sexting leads to criminal charges and cyber-bullying.139 In the case of one Ohio
teen girl, the bullying she received over a sexting image her ex-boyfriend sent out caused
her to commit suicide.140 The images used in sexting show minors, young teen girls and
boys under the age of 18. Therefore, these messages are illegal. If caught with these
images on cell phones, as in the case of six Pennsylvania high school students, child
pornography charges can be filed for distribution or possession.141
Online dating produces dangers as well. The process of the romantic
relationship changes in online dating. The emotional side of the relationship accelerates
because of the amount of time spent in communication. Hiding behind a computer screen
(instead of face-to-face interaction) often removes the shyness and inhibitions of
disclosing feelings of sexual interest and attraction.142 As a result, the relationship may
intensify more quickly than traditional relationships do.
Most teenagers do not take the necessary precautions to protect themselves
138
Sex and Tech, 2.
139
140
Mike Celizic, “Her Teen Committed Suicide Over ‘Sexting,” accessed on 16
October 2009; available from http://msnbc.msn.com/id/29546030/; Internet.
141
Mike Bruner, “Sexting Surprise: Teens face child porn charges,” accessed
on 16 October 2009; available from http://www.msnbc.com/msn.com/id/28679588/;
Internet.
142
online. Students disclose too much information about themselves, often unknowingly. In
some cases, the potential romantic partner is not whom he or she claims. Many older men
(sexual predators) pose differently to pursue teens.143 Students indicate online
relationships may fail to fulfill them and arrange or accept a face-to-face meeting if
possible.144 These meetings most often occur in public places.145 In order to protect
students from the dangers of meeting those falsifying information, teens should adhere to
the precautions found in Figure 4.146
1. View webcams and multiple pictures before face-to-face meetings.
2. Meet in a public place.
3. Take a friend along or make sure someone knows your whereabouts.
4. Never get in anyone’s car.
Figure 4: Precautions for a Face-to-Face Meeting
Since many parents do not allow early adolescents to enter into romantic
relationships, these teens use technology as their secret environment for experiencing and
learning about romantic relationships.147 Unfortunately, many of these students cannot
143
Jennifer Egan, “The Internet: A Refuge for Gay and Lesbian Teens,” in
Teens and Sex. ed. Myra H. Immell, (San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 2002), 52.
144
145
Ibid.
146
Egan, “Sexual Orientation: Gay and Lesbian Teens,” 53.
147
discern the truth from the information given by potential romantic partners. In some
instances, teens give false information, especially their ages (claiming to be 18, but only
13). Because of the dangers involved in the pursuit of romantic relationships online,
extreme caution is in order. One never knows who is really on the other side of the
computer screen.
Finally, the disclosure of information on the Internet in any form (especially
sexting) warrants extreme care and discernment. Once the information leaves the sender’s
hands, he or she loses control. The Internet provides a great tool for information, but
demands strict attention to the information one posts on it.
Homosexuality
Homosexuality poses another problem in adolescent romantic relationships.
Instead of interest in opposite-sex partners, the romantic interests lean toward those of the
same sex. Within the relationship, romantic gender scripts are voided.148 Difficulties arise
when trying to tell which teen assumes the “male” role and which the “female” role. They
may even switch roles.
The causes for homosexuality cause debate. Some consider it a rebellious act
against the social norm or accepted behavior of parents.149 Others contend homosexuality
is as much a part of the romantic makeup of teenagers as it is for those who find interest
in the opposite sex.150
148
Dean Klinkenberg and Suzanna Rose, “Dating Scripts of Gay Men and
Lesbians,” Journal of Homosexuality, 26, no. 4 (1994): 33.
149
150
Homosexual students face tremendous challenges socially. Most must turn to
the Internet for emotional support since “real world” social networks tend to reject them
for their lifestyle.151 In many cases, teens’ desires to be homosexual remain hidden from
their support groups in order to maintain socially accepted appearances. As a result, many
homosexual teens become depressed or suicidal because they lack avenues in which to
talk about their sexuality due to the threat of being persecuted or ostracized.152
Hooking Up
Some students choose to bypass normal dating scripts and romantic
progressions strictly for sexual activity. Sexual contact in this situation can vary from
kissing to oral sex to sexual intercourse.153 Students call this type of activity “hooking
up.” Since this type of sexual activity often occurs with other peers, another name is
“friends with benefits.”154
Hooking up differs from the more typical sexual encounter because it lacks
commitment and emotional intimacy.155 Because females value emotional intimacy and
communication in a relationship, hooking up may pose problems. However, girls who
151
Egan, “Sexual Orientation: Gay and Lesbian Teens,” 49.
152
Paula Schleis and Kim Hone-McMahan, “Gay Teens Face Unique
Challenges,” in Teens and Sex. ed. Myra H. Immell, (San Diego: Greenhaven Press,
2002), 81.
153
Sara Walsh, “Kathleen A. Bogle, Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and
Relationships on Campus,” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 37, no. 6 (2008): 757; and
154
Wendy Manning, Peggy Giordano, and Monica Longmore, “Hooking Up,”
Journal of Adolescent Research, 21, no. 5 (2006): 468; and Olson, Teenage Girls, 90.
155
choose to “hookup” often hope the sexual relationship leads to a romantic relationship. 156
This behavior generates problems. For many teens, the peer relationship changes or
worsens. In addition, many students deal with social issues such as bad reputations
because of too much sexual activity.157
Dating Violence
Violence and rape pose very disturbing issues in teenage romantic
relationships. “Date rape” occurs when someone is forced to have sexual relations with
someone they already know, such as a first-time date, boyfriend or girlfriend, or a
friend.158 Approximately 9% of teens report being victims of date rape.159 Sadly, many
teens do not recognize they are victims because they lack the experience in dating
relationships.160
In some date rape situations, perpetrators use alcohol or date rape drugs.161
These cases are often difficult to report and prosecute because these substances impair
memories and make it difficult for the victims to remember what happened.162 Victims
156
Manning, Giordano, and Longmore, “Hooking Up,” 474; and Walsh,
“Hooking Up Review,” 758.
157
Walsh, “Hooking Up Review,” 757.
158
159
“Teen Date Rape,” accessed 17 October 2009; available from
http://www.troubledteen101.com/articles52.html; Internet.
160
Pflieger and Vazsonyi, “Parenting Processes and Dating Violence,” 496; and
Parker, Bermudez, and Neustifter, “Kite in Flight,” 16.
161
162
Ibid.
may blame themselves because of their familiarity and closeness to the perpetrators.163
Abusive dating relationships may include emotional, psychological, verbal, or
physical abuse. These can happen in coordination with one another and generally escalate
over time.164 Those usually involved in this type of relationship have a background of
family violence.165 Low-self esteem is also an indicator students might fall victim to
dating violence.166
Female Aggression
A more recent trend in adolescent relationships is female aggression. Normal
dating scripts portray men as initiators and women as the responders. However, girls are
becoming more aggressive. Television shows such as Sex in the City (2004) and movies
such as Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (2005) portray girls and women who pursue
men.167 Females assume the role of sexual initiators. While in most cases, female
aggression occurs for her own sexual fulfillment, females use aggression to obtain
different goals.168 For example, a girl desires a boy already in a relationship with another
163
Ibid., 93.
164
165
Vangie A. Foshee, Karl E. Bauman, and G. Fletcher Linder, “Family
Violence and the Perpetration of Adolescent Dating Violence: Examining Social
Learning and Social Control Processes,” Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61, no. 2
(1999): 337.
166
167
168
Liza Mundy, “Sexual Activity Among Girls is Increasing,” in Teens and
Sex. ed. Myra H. Immell, (San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 2002), 51.
girl; the girl has oral sex with the boy, hoping he begins dating her.
Females may use their aggression to become violent. Those who witness
family violence have a more aggressive response to conflict.169 Female perpetrators
believe their outcomes produce more positive than negative results.
Theological Reflection
The Bible never refers to dating. In the Old Testament, the parents arranged or
influenced the marriage of a young man and a young woman. The New Testament only
provides instruction on marriage. Scripture provides instructions for men and women
regarding the marriage relationship.170 Men are told to love their wives through personal
sacrifice and by feeding and caring for them physically, mentally, emotionally, and
spiritually. Wives are commanded to submit to their husband’s leadership and respect
him accordingly.
For Christian teens, dating prepares them for eventually finding their husband
or wife.171 Teenage boys can use their dating experiences to prepare for their future
family. As the dating initiator, boys can make sure they help maintain the females’
holiness before God in the midst of the relationship. Likewise, females should expect this
type of behavior from their romantic partners.
Unfortunately, today’s society teaches women not to be the companion the
Bible describes. Females learn to assume the role of leaders in romantic relationships and
169
Foshee, Bauman, and Fletcher, “Family Violence and Dating Violence,”
337.
170
Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18-19, and 1 Peter 3:1-7.
171
marriage. They fail to believe in the existence of either male headship or a family man
actually placing the wife’s needs above his needs.172 For many females, marriage and
relationships depict obstacles in obtaining personal goals, such as academic achievement
and financial independence.173
Secondly, Scripture teaches people about morality. Homosexuality is
considered immoral.174 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 tells people to:
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body,
but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your
body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from
God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with
your body.”175
Sexual activity outside the confines of marriage is not what God desires. Christian teens
should consider every romantic partner as someone’s future mate and treat him or her
with respect, dignity, and honor.
Parents should educate their teens about romantic relationships utilizing
Biblical truths. Christian parents must communicate sexual purity within the context of
holiness. For example, King Solomon wrote Proverbs to teach his son how to live godly.
Many of these proverbs include discussion on relationships and avoiding poor decisions...
For example, Proverbs 5 describes the adulterous woman and the consequences of
172
Mary Ann Lamanna, “Living the Postmodern Dream: Adolescent Women's
Discourse on Relationships, Sexuality, and Reproduction,” Journal of Family Issues, 20,
no. 2 (1999): 193.
173
Ibid., 198.
174
Genesis 19:1-13; Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:26-27; and
1 Corinthians 6:9.
175
All Scripture is NIV unless otherwise noted.
associating with her.
Friends also play a spiritual role in students’ quest for proper romantic
relationships. As stated earlier, friendships (outside of parents) provide students the initial
relationship to develop emotional intimacy. The Bible encourages this kind of friendship.
Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend
who sticks closer than a brother.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 also speaks to the importance of a
friend:
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one
falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to
help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one
keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A
cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Jesus encourages this close friendship as well in John 15:13 when He says, “Greater love
has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends.”
This type of relationship, especially among men, is not typical. The Bible gives
a glimpse of this type of relationship in the lives of David and Jonathan. Theirs was a
deep, meaningful friendship. Jonathan helped save David’s life and assisted him in
getting through a difficult period. David said of Jonathan after his death, “You were very
dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of a woman” (2
Samuel 1:26). If teenage boys want to be stronger, better-rounded men, then they must
learn the value of emotional intimacy. A deeply meaningful relationship, such as the one
David and Jonathan cultivated, is an excellent beginning for teenage boys to learn the
value of emotional intimacy. They cannot learn this in a relationship with females
because their visual and mental focus becomes too physical.
For students with past mistakes in their romantic behavior, forgiveness awaits.
Jesus showed forgiveness to the woman at the well in John 4, and the woman caught in
adultery in John 8. Jesus’ love even extends to adolescents who have made mistakes. He
will grant them forgiveness for their sexual mistakes. Romans 5:8 says, “But God showed
his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” (NLT)
The past can be in the past with the help of God’s grace.
Student Ministry Implications
According to Scripture, parents are responsible for the discipleship of their
students. As a result, student ministries should do everything in their power to resource
parents with the information presented in this paper. Student ministers need to schedule
parent meetings to discuss students and their romantic relationships. Parents must inform
themselves continuously about their teens’ needs, teen issues, peer groups, and other
pertinent issues relating to raising teens in a biblical way in today’s culture. They ought
to set parameters for their students’ social lives and romantic relationships. Student
ministers can provide parents with lists of helpful websites (The Heritage Foundation and
the Kaiser Family Foundation) that offer up-to-date information about teen issues through
research and statistics.
Within student ministry, student ministers can train volunteers in the proper
ways to address romantic relationships and issues with students. Adults should avoid
mocking students involved in romantic relationships.176 Students may need those
Christian adults to discuss issues related to their relationships. Some of the issues
students face are serious, such as pregnancy or victimization. Adults must remain calm,
176
Lamanna, “Relationships, Sexuality, and Reproduction,” 189.
listen well, and provide guidance when necessary.177 If students do not perceive respect
from their Christian adult leaders, opportunities for ministry may fail.
Student ministries should provide adult leadership with training in the handling
of sexual abuse, date rape, and dating violence. Adults need to know the state legal
requirements for reporting these incidences.178 Students often will share this information
with adults, hoping to keep it in strict confidence. However, most states require reporting
this to the proper authorities.
The curriculum of student ministries also should focus on the romantic
relationships of students. While most youth ministries include a purity discussion in their
yearly calendar, other issues warrant biblical truth as well. These include biblical roles of
men and women, homosexuality, and dating violence.
Culture changes the scripts of men and women. In biblical times, women were
merely property. The concept of women having a role and a place in the home and in the
marriage relationship granted unprecedented power. In today’s world, students face a
new challenge: men failing to take the leadership role in marriage. A true understanding
of the biblical role of men and women will assist students in defining who they are in
Christ, and how they will act in relation to their romantic partner and later to their life’s
mate.
Homosexuality is a sensitive subject, especially for Christian parents. Yet, the
biblical truth of homosexuality warrants discussion with students. Homosexuality is no
177
Parrott, Helping the Struggling Adolescent, 199; and Olson, Teenage Girls,
94.
178
longer only a cultural issue, but a theological issue as well. Websites such as
WouldJesusDiscriminate.org challenge the theology of homosexuality to be acceptable in
the church and by God. Student ministers and parents must separate the truth from the lie.
In the communication of biblical truth, students who struggle with their sexual
orientation must not feel rejection, but acceptance just like other sinners in need of a
Savior. Student ministries should eliminate any coarse joking or negative attitudes about
homosexuals. As with any other sin, one is not condoning the behavior, but providing a
safe environment for those struggling in their sin to find help and ministry.179
Student ministers should mention dating violence in their romantic relationship
Bible studies.180 Students should discuss how they can protect themselves from bad
situations. One activity for student ministers to initiate is a self-defense class to teach
students how to defend themselves.181 Victims of dating violence need reassurance of
who they are in God’s eyes and know help is available through student ministries.
We must be careful not to ask students to create a void of purity: do not have
sex! Instead, we must empower students with truth: save sex for marriage, the one partner
God has. Students should battle for what Satan wants to destroy).182
Finally, the plan of romantic relationship Bible studies should include a time of
visual and tangible commitment. The act of signing a card committing to remain
179
Gerali, Teenage Guy, 101.
180
181
Ibid., 95.
182
abstinent until the student enters a marriage covenant provides a simple activity.183
Students who participate are more likely to follow through with the commitment.
Adolescents who make virginity pledges may avoid many of the following:184
1. Teen pregnancy
2. Sexual activity in high school and as young adults
3. Birth as teens or young adults
4. Birth out of wedlock
5. Risky unprotected sex
6. Fewer sexual partners
7. No long-term negative outcomes associated with the pledge (not use
contraception)
Student ministers should include with the commitment ceremony a student’s
emotional support base such as parents and youth volunteers. 185 The greater number of
adults who encourage the student’s commitment, the greater chance the student has to
keep it.186
183
For an example of this go to http://www.lifeway.com/tlw
184
Rector, Johnson, and Marshall, “Virginity Pledge Improve Life Outcomes”
“Differences in the behavior of pledging and non-pledging teens persisted even when
background factors such as socioeconomic status, race, religiosity, and other relevant
variables were held constant.”
185
For a family ceremony, read “The True Love Waits Ceremony” in Ken
Hemphill and Richard Ross, Parenting with Kingdom Purpose, (Nashville: B&H
Publishing, 2005): 150-56.
186
Bridget Maher, “Why Wait: The Benefits of Abstinence Until Marriage,”
accessed on October 21, 2009; available from http://www.frc.org/get.cfm?i=IS06B01;
Internet.
Conclusion
Adolescent romantic relationships are a key issue in the overall development of
adolescents. The choices students make in this area affect other areas of their
development. Parents and peers aid in the decision making process based on the influence
and advice they give. While the process starts early in adolescence, students who move
slower in the romantic progression appear to be healthier overall.
Student ministries have opportunities to assist in their students’ romantic
development by being aware of the current issues and by supporting parents through
biblical teaching and providing an additional safe environment for teens. With a large
support base of peers and adults who champion wise decisions and proper behaviors,
students can find healthy romantic relationships and eventually enter into strong
marriages.
APPENDIX 1
FEMALE FLIRTATIOUS BEHAVIORS187
Facial and Head Patterns
1. Type 1 glance – “the woman moved her head rapidly, orienting her face
around the room. This movement was followed by another head movement
that reoriented the woman’s face to its original position.” No eye contact is
made with any individual.
2. Type 2 glance – Glance over with a duration of three or less seconds directed
at a particular man. Horizontal rotation of the head was around 25-45 degrees.
This behavior was repeated in stretches with around three glances per session.
3. Type 3 glance – Eye contact of three or more seconds at a particular man.
Repeated several times.
4. Eyebrow flash – exaggerated raising of the eyebrows, followed by a rapid
lowering to the normal position. Eyebrow raising lasts approximately two
seconds.
5. Head tossing – Head was flipped backwards so that the face was tilted upwards
briefly (less than five seconds.) The head was then lowered to its original
position.
187
Moore, “Courtship Signaling and Adolescents,” 322-324. Some have been
omitted since by the author’s own admission, “They (adolescent girls) did not, however,
use the more overt signals.” (324)
6. Hair flip – Woman raising one hand and pushing her fingers through her hair
or running her palm along the surface of her hair. Sometimes this occurs in one
hand movement or several strokes of the hair within a 30 second period.
7. Head nod – Woman at a short distance to the man. Usually the head nod was
exhibited during a conversations. The head moved back and forward thus
moving the face up and down.
8. Neck presentation – The woman tilted her head sideways to an angle of
approximately 45 degrees. This resulted in the ear almost touching the
shoulder. Thereby exposing the opposite side of the neck. Occasionally the
woman would stroke the exposed neck area with her fingers.
9. Lip lick – Woman would open her mouth slightly and draw her tongue over
her lips.
10. Lip pout – Lips were placed together and protruded. Generally, the lower lip
was extended father than the upper lip, so that it was fuller in appearance.
11. Smiling – Corners of the mouth being turned upwards sometimes exposing the
teeth, often maintained for long periods of time.
12. Coy smile – Half smile with brief eye contact or downward gaze.
13. Laugh and giggling – often associated with the head toss. Giggling was softer
with mouth usually closed.
Gestures
14. Arm flexion – motion to bring another individual toward the woman, usually
the male she was making eye contact with.

15. Tapping – Finger repeatedly touching a man in close proximity in order to gain
his attention.
16. Gesticulation – rapid movement of hands and arms usually during speech.
17. Hand Hold – woman initiating contacting by holding a man’s hand. This
behavior had a long duration (more than a minute).
18. Primp – clothing is patted or smoothed, even though to the observer it needed
no adjustment.
19. Skirt hike – Woman raised the hem of the skirt with a movement of the hand or
arm so that more of the leg was exposed.
20. Object caress – Women sometimes “played with” an object such as keys or
rings.
Posture Patterns
21. Lean – Woman moves upper body in closer proximity to the man.
22. Brush or breast touch – brief body contact (less than five seconds) of the breast
usually the man’s arm. Sometimes maintained for several minutes.
23. Knee touch – the woman’s legs were brought into close contact so that the
knees touched.
24. Thigh touch – If sitting side by side the woman moved her leg closer to his so
that their thighs touched.
25. Foot to Foot – Woman’s foot on top of the man’s foot.
26. Placement – Woman taking the man’s hand and placing it on her body.
27. Shoulder hug – Arm was draped on and around another person’s shoulder.
28. Hug – full encircled hug using both arms although usually brief (less than 10
seconds)
29. Hanging – Like frontal body contact except the man is supporting the woman’s
weight. Initiated by the woman by putting her arms around the man’s neck.
The man then picks her up off the ground.
30. Parade – Woman walks across the room with exaggerated motion of the hips.
The woman accents her breasts by holding her stomach in and pushing her
chest out. Her head is held high.
31. Play – Woman pinching the man, tickling him, sticking out her tongue at him,
or approaching him from behind and covering his eyes.

Romantic Relationships
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ADOLESCENT ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

October 22, 2009

Phases of Adolescent Romantic Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

Consequences for Early Adolescent Dating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9

The Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11

Peer Influences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19

Self-Esteem Influences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22

Current Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25

Hooking Up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..31

Student Ministry Implications . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37

1. FEMALE FLIRTATIOUS BEHAVIORS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .42

ADOLESCENT ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

During adolescence, the number of peer relationships continues to grow.

within these mixed-sex relationships, romantic relationships often develop.3

These romantic relationships form a part of the students’ overall development.

Romantic relationships, similar to many other areas of development in teens,

into the romantic development of teens.

The initiation phase of romantic relationships in teens begins from pre-

group, a smaller group forms based on interests and abilities.13

not always lead to actual interaction.16

and, thus are rarely romantically sustainable.18

settings such as sporting events, parties, and breaks between classes.21

The focus in the affiliation phase is on companionship, rather than intimacy.22

Companionship defines the friendship (although some teens, especially in early

adolescence, believe it to be a romantic relationship). Through companionship, students

romantic relationship. For girls in middle adolescence, physical characteristics in mate

physical characteristics until late adolescence.24

Awkwardness best describes adolescent behavior in the affiliation phase.

non-verbal cues of romantic relationships: flirting.

Flirting is an indirect female attempt to express interest in a male while

might aggressively hit or pinch.28

adolescence. Unfortunately, because of inexperience in this new phase of romantic

often leads to sexual activity.

relationship. Gerali contends a male needs the practice of opening up emotionally to

relationship. This deeply connected emotional relationship (not a homosexual

understanding of what intimacy truly means.

In the committed phase, the adolescent romantic relationships are established

relationships.36 Late adolescents lengthen and maintain a committed relationship because

resolving conflict within the relationship.38

A romantic relationship in students is a continual process from peer groups

beginning of the romantic process, most mixed-sex relationships occur in groups.39 By

adolescence, consideration should be given as to whether or not early adolescents should

be encouraged to pursue romantic relationships.40 This concept merits further discussion.

Consequences of Early Adolescent Dating

The purpose of dating is to find a compatible mate for companionship and

eventual marriage. However, intimacy is weakest during early adolescence.41 In light of

partner risks development in other areas.42

Socially, young adolescents involved in a romantic relationship experience

important aspect of students’ social development. On a more positive note, younger

partners have no effect on their partner.46

Academically, romantic relationships in early to mid- adolescence show a

decrease in grade point average.47 A student’s level of motivation to do well in school

academic motivation as well.49

increases depressive symptoms in the younger and middle-aged students.53

In relation to physical development, students develop at different ages. Some

For younger adolescents to continue healthy development, limitations on early

Dating is the normal means for a romantic relationship to develop. Certain

contains the assumed pattern for women.

1. Ask someone out.

2. Decide on the plans.

3. Call the woman on the day of the date.

4. Prepare car for the date.

5. Buy flowers for the woman.