change.

let go.
move forward.

© janet koukol 2009

How to let go of the past and begin to
move forward again.
We are living in a time of unprecedented change. We are being
forced to change at a faster rate than ever before. Are we able to
remain open and flexible while reinventing ourselves or are we
holding on to the past, resisting change and feeling victimized and
afraid?
Financial problems
Health challenges
Relationship problems
A job that doesn’t challenge you
No job at all
A life that has no apparent purpose
We often live in denial, spending energy and time trying to
change the other person or situation. This usually doesn’t work
too well. We slowly come to the realization that we have been
changed, that what once worked for us does not work anymore.
We are being asked, often against our will, to give up our old way
of being for a new way of being.
Most of us no longer want to ‘just get by’ during difficult
periods; we want to come out on top. We want to exchange our
painful, unconscious existence for an authentic, meaningful life.
It’s entirely possible. Here’s how to allow it:
When we are knocked out of our comfort zone by change, we
are often consumed by pain and the realization that we no longer
are sure of who we are. Our life does not match what we want it
to be. We haven’t defined exactly what we want; we just want it
to be different- and better. Change can be an opportunity to let
go of the limiting beliefs of our past. It’s possible to develop new
beliefs and habits that will create a life of potential and help us
realize our best selves.
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What is happening to me? I know
what to do-
I just can’t do it.
We try to put our lives back together after a difficult time and
we’re not quite sure why it’s taking so long. Rationalizing change is
easy- we know what happened and often feel that we should ‘just
get over it.’ We feel that our inability to move on is impacting our
present life and that of those close to us. Rationalizing is the easy
part. Our reasoning mind can quickly move to a sensible conclusion.
Our hearts on the other hand, deal in emotions, which are a little
messier and take time to heal. So while our head may be able to
move on, our hearts need time to process our emotions.
Emotions are an important part of who we are, and when we
start feeling and experiencing emotions that are ‘not us’ it can get
very scary. If we feel we are not these emotions and they are not us,
then who are we? All these things force you to question your story
about yourself. What you used to tell yourself is no longer true…
who are you now? So what is going wrong? ‘Why do I still feel so
bad at times? And will it always be this painful? I just feel stuck.’
No matter how we look at ourselves, we are seeing clearly that
we are not who we thought we were and our life is certainly not
how we want it to be.
We think that we need to do some-
thing, that some kind of action on our
part is required to ‘fix us’. The healthi-
est thing we can do for ourselves is to
realize that there is nothing wrong with
us. We are going through a very human
process and being patient and compassion-
ate with ourselves will allow us to continue our
journey to wholeness. Before we can effectually cre-
ate a new vision, we need to honor and release the old one or we
will often haul pieces of the old into the new and repeat our pain.

Releasing our old beliefs in favor of a new, more authentic,
mature vision always involves a visit to the in-between. For a time,
we exist within the chaos of not-knowing, the chaos of the un-
formed. Disorientation and disintegration… we have no bearings,
and our beliefs about ourselves have come undone. This is some-
times even more painful for us than the original loss. We want order
and control. We often fight against the loss of control and cause
ourselves even more pain.
Although going through change is often painful, it is a normal
part of life. Allowing the process of change and honoring the emo-
tions involved is far healthier to our mind and bodies than holding
on to a person, situation or condition that no longer serves us. The
pain of holding on to something that is gone is what suffering is all
about. The pain of grieving feels similar, but has as its end accept-
ance, peace and relief. It has an end. Suffering indicates attachment
and being just plain stuck. Suffering binds you to something while
grieving helps you release.
Letting go is a process. It takes time. It requires patience and un-
derstanding with yoursef. It involves visiting and often revisiting the
emotions that are associated with any type of loss - denial, anger,
compromise, depression and finally, acceptance. Elisabeth Kübler-
Ross developed a Grief Cycle, which works with the emotions that
most of us experience when we encounter change. It’s a guide, not
a definite set of steps. Sometimes you will visit all of them, some-
times not. It constitutes a path of healing that will differ for each
person as they make their individual journey towards wholeness.
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the emotions of loss
Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to see and/ or accept
what is going on around you. It’s is a defense mechanism, designed to
protect you from traumatic change. Ideally, you can come to grips with
the event later, after your emotions are not so raw. It’s easy to stay here.
“maybe it will get better…”
Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional
upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those
close to them. Be patient with yourself here. Seek professional help if you
need it. Anger can be cleansing, but it is never right to take it out on those
around you. Can you acknowledge that you have anger without becom-
ing/acting on that anger?
Compromise is just that- compromise. For example you may
attempt a “Can we st ill be friends?” when facing a relationship break-up,
even though you KNOW the situation doesn’t serve you. It’s as if you
can make up for the loss by settling for a lesser pain. Compromise rarely
provides a sustainable solution.
Depression can be seen as a sort of acceptance, although with
emotional attachm ent to the former situation. Sadness, regret, anxiety,
fear and uncertainty are often present as residual emotions are processed
and released. It can be a sign that you have begun to at least accept the
situation and are creating the opening for a new vision.
Acceptance feels like relief. You finally feel that there is some
emotional detachment and objectivity. The situation no longer consumes
you. You are healing beautifully and no longer suffer unnecessarily. You
can hear life’s call again.
These stages vary according to the person’s situation, although broadly most
people can see the process. I’m not trying to diagnose or treat anyone, just giving
some understanding into how we deal with emotional trauma. Sometimes just
being aware of this process can often bring profound relief.
Rebuilding your vision
With acceptance comes a new beginning. A new story, a new
way of seeing the world. You have the opportunity to revise the
vision you hold for yourself. A vision based on a clearer idea of who
you are and what you need to be fulfilled. This takes courage and
determination. As we begin to see ourselves clearly, we begin to
live fully. A meaningful life is a beautiful gift.
8 steps for creating a meaningful life
1. Take responsibility for your life.
Your future is not determined by the economy, your income level,
your job or your upbringing. You alone have the power to choose
how you respond to the events that happen in your life. There is one
person at cause, making all your decisions, who determines all the
effects of your life, and that’s you. Take ownership of your actions
and the consequences of those actions. When you say things like
“It’s not my fault” and blame another person or the situation, you
surrender the power you have to change ‘What Is’ into ‘What Could
Be’’.
2. Change your beliefs about yourself.
Retrain your mind. Stop paying attention to beliefs that hold you
back and start choosing beliefs that help you move forward. As you
become clearer on what your needs are now, a lot of psychic clutter
will begin to go. It’s hard to get filled with inspiration when you’re
full of old baggage. The initial effort must be to head in the direc-
tion of joy daily, no matter how small that step is. Getting rid of all
the emotional baggage and clutter connects you back to the incred-
ible potential you were born with.
3. Decide where you are going.
(Who do you want to be when you grow up? Wise? Flexible and
open? Wholehearted? Peaceful? Powerful? Courageous?) Living
from inner principles is living from your authentic self, your true
source of power. When you live from the inside out, you will find
harmony with the world around you. Accept life as it is and live from
inner guides rather than letting external events, conditions or peo-
6 7
ple determine who you will become. You will accomplish more with
less effort and the road will rise to meet you.
5. Listen to your own voice.
Listening to your own voice will allow you to blaze your own trail
and build personal strength. You will discover how meaning and
happiness arise from the inside. You will no longer be ‘out there’
knocking on door after door to find your place in the world. You will
discover the place where the needs of the world coincide with your
gifts. That place is the place of fulfillment and it is within you. By dis-
covering your voice and listening to it, you will create a beautiful life.
6. Do things that excite you.
Include in each day something that brings you joy. Bringing positive
energy into your life through doing things that inspire you allows a
lot of the negative stuff to resolve itself quickly and quietly. When
your attention is constantly placed on what you find fulfilling and
joyful, there remains less and less energy for frustration and disease.
You get lifted up into a higher vibration and things seem to just flow
together with greater ease.
7. Visualize your future.
Practice envisioning your future as often as possible. You are activat-
ing your vision. Begin to imagine living your dream. Picture it. Feel
yourself in it. Get lost in the joy of your imagination. The more you
practice, the more your brain creates neural pathways for your new
vision, and the more energy your subconscious releases into what
you are telling it to create. You are taking possibilities and turning
them into probabilities. With repetition, probabilities turn into real-
ity.
8. Practice good self care.
Daily meditation, journaling, yoga, eating wisely and exercise are
important habits to develop. These habits help us to stay centered
on who we want to be. They encourage flexibility and openness,
two qualities much needed to cope well with change. It’s hard to
develop peace of mind when we are in the middle of a difficult time.
Take advantage of these techniques so that when you are faced
with a challenge, you have the tools you’ll need.
 Artwork to raise
CONSCIOUSNESS

janetkoukol.com

Copyright 2009 janet koukol

for Betty