Documente Academic
Documente Profesional
Documente Cultură
Jeff Blim
1
THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS
CAST
Jon Matteson - Paul
Lauren Lopez - Emma
Joey Richter - Ted/Homeless Man/Danny
Jaime Lyn Beatty - Charlotte/Nora/Deb/Soldier 1/Colonel Schaffer
Corey Dorris - Chorus Member 2/Bill/Another Passerby
Mariah Rose Faith - Melissa/Zoey/Greenpeace Canvasser/Alice/Donna/Cop 2/
Rachael/Nurse
Robert Manion - Obnoxious Teen/Professor Hidgens/News Narration/Mike/Cop 1
Jeff Blim - Chorus Member 1/Mr. Davidson/Coffee Jerk/Man in a Hurry/Sam/Dan/
General MacNamara/Rod
PROLOGUE
A dark stage. Haunting music swells. A jagged METEOR pulsates with eerie, blue light.
Mist floods the stage as a mysterious CHORUS slinks on, singing…
A story so astronomical…
2
(Should we kill him? Should we kill him?)
What an ass!
What a dick!
What a cuck!
CHORUS: Yay!!!!!
(singing)
He’s a’comin’!
Who’s a’comin’?
Paul’s a’comin’!
Paul’s a’comin’?
Here he his!
Enter now!!! (the chorus all point jazz hands stage right, awaiting Paul’s entrance; he
doesn’t show; after a beat, one Chorus member turns to the rest…)
CHORUS MEMBER 1: Where the fuck is he? (the rest of the Chorus shrugs)
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CHORUS MEMBER 2: I don’t know… (another beat; no Paul, so the chorus jumps
back into the song…)
Doesn’t like, doesn’t like, doesn’t like-a-like-‘em/You gotta believe in something, Paul!
Doesn’t like, doesn’t like, doesn’t like-a-like-‘em/What do you believe in, stupid Paul?
Doesn’t like, doesn’t like, does not like like-a-like-‘em/You gotta believe in something.
Paul, you piece of shit!
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em/You gotta believe in something, Paul!
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em/What do you believe in, stupid Paul?
Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em/You gotta believe in something, Paul,
You piece of shit!
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em/You gotta believe in something, Paul!
Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-‘em/What do you believe in, stupid Paul?
Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like like-a-like-‘em/ You gotta believe in something, Paul,
You piece of shit!
SCENE 1
PAUL: Yeah?
BILL: I was trying to print something. I think I mighta sent it to your printer.
PAUL: Uuuuhhh… (Paul flips through his printer tray, finding Bill’s paper) Yup. (Hands it
to Bill) Just remember. You wanna print from the HP LaserJet. Not the HP InkJet.
PAUL: It’s fine. (Bill sits back down. Mr. Davidson enters.)
MR. DAVIDSON: Hey, Paul. Could you get those reports on my desk by the end of the
day?
MR. DAVIDSON: Great. (He exits. Another sizable beat of nothing. Melissa enters.)
MELISSA: Hi, Paul!
4
PAUL: No.
MELISSA: Ok. Mr. Davidson wants those reports on his desk by the end of the day.
PAUL: Will do. (disappointed, Melissa leaves. Paul clears his throat) Cough. Cough.
(Suddenly Charolette’s phone RINGS.)
CHARLOTTE: (She answers it…) CCRP Technical. This is Charlotte. How can I help
you? (beat) Hi, Sam! How are things down at the precinct? (beat) Oh. I’m sorry to hear
that. Well, my day’s been… uh… uh huh. (beat) Well, how late? (beat) But, honey, it’s
the twelfth of the month. (beat) What do you mean ‘so what?’ Silly goose. It’s, ya’
know… cuddle-night. (beat) Sam, you know the counselor said we should do it at least
once a month. (beat) But, honey, we skipped last month. (beat) Well, you don’t think I’m
tired too? Maybe tomorrow night then? (beat) No, you’re right… We should stick to the
schedule. Next month it is. Maybe we could make a night of it. Do mini-golf or
somethin’. (beat) Well, I’ll pay for it. Alright, well, have a good night. Be safe. And Sam,
I love… Sam? (She hangs up, sits in silence for a bit, then smiles at Paul.) That was
Sam. He’s doing just fine. (Paul politely nods) Counseling’s working out well.
PAUL: Good.
CHARLOTTE: Yup. It sure is. (She reaches into her purse, pulls out a pack of cigarettes
and is about to light up…)
CHARLOTTE: Oh… I didn’t even realize! (Without noticing, she takes a flask from her
purse and downs the contents. Paul goes to take a sip of coffee but sees his cup is
empty.)
PAUL: (getting up) Well, I’m gonna go grab some coffee down the street. Anyone
wanna come? Bill?
BILL: I can’t. I gotta keep refreshing this website. I got Alice for one more night before
she goes back to Clivesdale. See, her mother, just to make me look small, took her all
the way to New York to see ‘Hamilton’…
PAUL: Ugh.
BILL: …And she loved it. So, to show my ex-wife that two can play at that game, I’m
on Hot Tix right now, and the second more become available, I’m getting tickets for
tonight. Cause guess what, Paul. It’s finally here, at the old Starlight Theater in
downtown Hatchetfield… The touring production of ‘Mama Mia!’
BILL: It’s a musical! Hey, you wanna tag along? Alice would get a kick out of it.
Remember when you used to babysit her? Drive her to school?
PAUL: Yeah…
BILL: She thinks you’re cool. Maybe you could talk me up. Tell her her old dad’s pretty
cool too.
PAUL: Uhh…
5
PAUL: No.
BILL: So you would rather do nothing than come with us to see Mama Mia?
PAUL: Bill, I would rather do anything than go see Mama Mia. The idea of sitting there,
trapped in a musical… That is my own personal hell.
BILL: But you like me! I’m trying to reconnect with my teenage kid and you’re gonna
leave me hanging?
PAUL: Yeah… Sorry. But hey! I’ll grab you something from Beanie’s! My treat. What do
you want?
PAUL: How about an iced caramel frappe? Nothin’ better! (He leaves Bill to wallow in
misery, but before he can reach the door, TED slides into his path on an office rolling-
chair. Ted wears a bluetooth headset, and obnoxiously chews gum while squeezing a
stress ball.)
PAUL: Yeah.
TED: (holds up his finger) One second, Paul. (speaks into his headset) Ok, so it’s still
not responding? Tell me what you see on the screen right now. (he takes the headset
off and turns back to Paul) I know why you walk the extra block instead of just going to
the Starbucks across the street.
TED: Uh huh. Uh huh. You sure it doesn’t have something to do with that cute, little
barista over there?
PAUL: Alright. Bye, Ted. (He pushes past Ted and exits.)
TED: (calling after Paul) Hey! Get me a chai iced tea, eh?!? Eh… (pulls the headset
back on) Ok, that sounds like a problem with your router, so I’m gonna transfer you to
operations. (beat) Yup, the people who sent you here. (He rolls off. Lights down…)
SCENE 2
Lights up on BEANIE’S, the coffee shop down the street. Various patrons sit at tables,
reading and working on laptops. Paul enters and gets in line behind the COFFEE
JERK. Behind the counter is a barista named EMMA…
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COFFEE JERK: (interrupting her) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I get a grande caramel frappe
in a venti cup, ten pumps of frappe roast, three shots of espresso, no caramel drizzle,
with whip on top?
COFFEE JERK: Jesus. Fine. (He forks over a $10 bill. He drops a dollar of his change
into a tip jar. On the jar is a sign that reads: “Tip for a song!” Emma pretends not to see
the tip and prepares the order.) Hey!
EMMA: Yes?
COFFEE JERK: Aren’t you supposed to sing? The sign says, ‘Tip for a song.’
EMMA: Yeah. That’s a new thing. The owner went to a Cold Stone Creamery the other
day, saw the whole singing thing, brought it here. But, you know… there’s a line, and
people come here to work. I don’t want to disturb anyone…
EMMA: Ok, well did you do that to be nice or did you do it to be an asshole?
EMMA: Oh no! What am I gonna do without that dollar I have to split with five other
servers?
COFFEE JERK: You know what, I’m never coming back here again. That sign’s
bullshit! (He grabs his coffee, his dollar, and storms out. NORA, the owner, sees the
commotion and corners Emma.)
EMMA: What?
ZOEY: (loudly) I’m on vocal rest. (realizes she just screamed) Goddammit, Emma! Now I
need a tea with honey. (she exits)
EMMA: (rolls her eyes) Can’t Zoey just do the tip songs? I don’t like it…
NORA: You must not like having a job then. In fact, don’t bother coming in for your next
shift…
EMMA: Wait, wait, wait… I’ll do the songs. Ok?
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NORA: Yeah, you will. Now come on. You got a line. Move your ass. (She exits. Emma
returns to the counter, where Paul waits.)
EMMA: Hi. Can I help you?
PAUL: Uh… Yeah. I got an easy one for ya. Just a cup of black coffee.
EMMA: Alright.
PAUL: Thanks. (Paul pays, and as Emma goes to make the coffee, he drops a $5 bill
into the tip jar.)
EMMA: Jesus. Really? (She sighs and starts to unenthusiastically sing to the tune of
‘I’ve Been Workin’ On The Railroad.’) I’ve been brewing up your coffee. Hip-Hip-
Hooray…
PAUL: (stopping her) No, no, no. I don’t need you to sing. I just tipped because, you
know… people should tip.
EMMA: (a beat) Thank you. (after a bit, she softens) Cause if I have to sing for it, it’s not
a tip, is it? It’s another job piled on top of my already shitty paying job. It’s like, most of
my tips are less than a buck. After the split, I’m not even getting twenty-five cents a
song. I’m making less than a fucking juke box. Except a juke box doesn’t also have to
make coffee for these assholes! (beat) Not that you’re an asshole. Well, you could be
an asshole. How much did you tip? (she fishes his tip out of the jar) Five bucks.
(touched) Aww. (looks over her shoulder) You specifically meant this for me, right? Like,
I shouldn’t have to split this with the others.
PAUL: No, that’s for you. I don’t give a shit about them.
EMMA: That’s really sweet. (she pockets the $5) I’m just so sick of Nora, and Zoey…
who is technically my manager, even though she’s ten years younger than me. She’s
hired all her little theater friends, and they will not shut the fuck up about some crappy
production of ‘Godspell’ they did last summer.
PAUL: Was that the one at the rec center? I think I had to see that… I did not like it.
PAUL: Yeah, I do not like musicals. Watching people sing and dance makes me very
uncomfortable.
EMMA: Then why do you come to the singing coffee shop? There’s a Starbucks down
the street. (she hands Paul his coffee)
PAUL: Yeah, well… some things are worth it. Like… (sips from his cup) damn good
coffee.
EMMA: (smiles) I see you in here all the time, don’t I? What’s your name?
PAUL: Paul.
EMMA: Hi, Paul. I’m Emma. (The obnoxious teen returns to ruin the moment.)
OBNOXIOUS TEEN: Excuse me! I’ve been waiting for a very long while!
PAUL: (calling after Emma) Oh, alright. Well, bye Emma! (He heads for the door.) Sigh.
Emma… (Stops and snaps his fingers.) Oh shoot! I forgot Bill’s caramel frappe… eh,
fuck Bill. (He exits. Lights down…)
8
SCENE 3
Lights up on the STREET outside Paul’s apartment building. Rain drizzles. Wind
whistles. A GREENPEACE CANVASSER stands with her clipboard and calls to
passersby…
GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Hi! Do you have a few minutes to talk about saving the
planet?
MAN IN A HURRY: I’m in a hurry. (He keeps his head down, rushing past her. From the
opposite direction, ANOTHER PASSERBY crosses.)
GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Hi! Can I talk to you about saving the planet?
ANOTHER PASSERBY: No, thank you. (He rushes past. Paul enters and the canvasser
calls to him.)
PAUL: Oh… yes. I am. But… I just got off work. I’m heading home…
GREENPEACE CANVASSER: It’ll only take a few minutes… It’s for the planet.
PAUL: Uh…
GREENPEACE CANVASSER: I just wanna talk to you about how you can help
contribute to Greenpeace’s efforts around the globe…
PAUL: Oh! Greenpeace? You know what, I’m actually already signed up with you guys.
(he lies, confidently) I already give.
GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Oh! How generous of you! So you know about our
campaign to save the sea turtles?
PAUL: Yep. I’ve been gettin’ the emails. Been reading all about it.
GREENPEACE CANVASSER: Oh yeah? About the campaign that doesn’t exist? The
one I just made up? (Paul stares blankly, caught in his lie. He licks his lips.) You don’t
give to Greenpeace, do you?
PAUL: (a beat) Yyyyou know that money you’re raising? You know how much of that
actually goes to the turtles?
PAUL: That’s right, none! It goes to line the pockets of some corporate big-wigs! I give
my money directly to people who need it. (He passes a HOMELESS MAN who holds
out a cup.)
PAUL: Sorry, I don’t have anything. (The Canvasser calls after him.)
PAUL: And you come on a little strong with that whole ‘save the planet’ bit. As if I’m
gonna do that single handedly… (suddenly there is an ominous CRASH OF THUNDER
and a FLASH OF LIGHTNING; the wind picks up as Paul looks to the sky; through
gathering storm clouds, he just barely make out an approaching… something) What…
is… that? (Another CRASH of thunder; Lights down on Paul as lightning flashes on
Charlotte, who stands looking out the WINDOW of a DARK APARTMENT…)
CHARLOTTE: Heavens to betsy! That’s some kinda storm out there. I hope Sam’s
alright. (From the shadows, a shirtless Ted approaches her, smoking a cigarette)
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TED: Fuck Sam. Come back to bed.
TED: Sure, Charlotte. Just like last time was the last time. If you don’t like what we’re
doin’ here, there’s the door. Go on. Let Sam rip your heart out… (Another CRASH of
thunder as lights go down on Charlotte and come up on Emma on the STREET outside
Beanie’s; she locks up the shop and walks out into the rain…)
EMMA: Oh great. This is the cherry on top of a perfect day. (she pulls a newspaper
from her bag and holds it over her head; she notices Zoey standing on the corner,
texting under her umbrella) Zoey, do you need a ride?
ZOEY: Um, in your shitty car? Sorry. I’d rather not crash and die.
EMMA: Whatever. (she hurries off; from behind Zoey, a police officer enters; he’s a
shifty looking scumbag; he eyes Zoey up and down; this is SAM…)
SAM: (to Zoey) Excuse me, miss. I have a warrant to inspect the junk in your trunk.
ZOEY: You’re such an asshole, Sam… but that uniform’s so fuckin’ sexy. (they
embrace; Sam reaches into his jacket)
SAM: Got a little present for ya’ from the evidence locker. (he pulls out a tiny bag of
cocaine and hands it to Zoey)
ZOEY: Aww. You know what’ll go perfect with this blow? These two tickets to Mama
Mia! (she reveals the tickets; Sam flips)
SAM: No way! You got em! I never miss a musical at the Starlight. If anyones thinks
that makes me less of a man, they can talk to my fuckin’ gun. (Sam whips out his gun
and waves it around like a maniac; Another CRASH of thunder; Lights go down on
Zoey & Sam, they come up on Bill driving in his CAR; he’s on his cellphone; Lightning
flashes, thunder claps; BOOM!)
BILL: Holy Hell! It’s raining cats and dogs. You sure you don’t want me to pick you up?
(a beat, listening on the phone) Ok… Yes, I got a ticket for Deb. And after the show
we’re going to your favorite restaurant… Red Lobster! (beat) I know Deb’s a vegetarian.
They got fish! (beat) Vegan?!? But it’s Crab Fest! Alice, you’re killing me! (Thunder
CRASHES, lightning FLASHES; Lights come up on Bill’s daughter, ALICE, who sits
with a group of teenagers under the bleachers at HATCHETFIELD HIGH; she’s on her
cellphone, finishing a conversation with Bill…)
ALICE: Alright, Dad! We’ll meet you at the theater. (one of the teens, DANNY, offers
Alice a marijuana cigarette)
ALICE: I don’t think I oughta. (DEB, Alice’s girlfriend, comes to her defense)
DANNY: That’s not how it works, Deb. You’re either in the Smoke Club, or you’re out!
DEB: Then maybe we’re out. Come on, Alice! (Alice & Deb get outta there; Deb
comforts Alice, holding her shoulders) Those guys are assholes anyway… (a CRASH of
thunder; Deb looks to the sky at an approaching something) What is that coming
through the clouds? (Alice speaks as if in a trance…)
ALICE: “How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star, son of the dawn. You have
been cast down to the earth. You who once laid low the nations.”
DEB: Alice, what the fuck was that? (Deb shakes Alice out of it)
10
ALICE: What the fuck was what? (Thunder CRASHES and the two girls reach for each
other in fear; the storm rages; Lights up on PROFESSOR HIDGENS, a zany-looking
mad scientist type; he runs out of his secluded CABIN, looks up into the storm and
calls back to someone still inside…)
SCENE 4
Lights up on Paul’s APARTMENT the next morning. As Paul performs his daily routine
(brushing his teeth, tying his tie), the news blares from his TELEVISION SET…
NEWS NARRATION: This is the Hatchetfield Morning News with Dan and Donna.
DONNA: Luckily, proud papa Ed has been squirreling away on his Go-Fund-Me page to
build Peanuts his very own, get this Dan, “squirrel-house.”
DAN: That’s amazing.
DONNA: And something else has fallen to the ground here in Hatchetfield. This time
from outer space. The meteor came crashing into…
PAUL: (Paul checks the time on his alarm clock, clicks off the TV, rushes out of the
apartment and back onto the street outside. He passes a few people on their way to
work, not noticing the musical UNDERSCORING floating through the air; as Paul
reaches the corner, he runs into the Greenpeace Canvasser, who happily and creepily
bobs up and down to the music, a dopey smile on her face; Paul notices her…) Oh.
You again. (he’s about to walk by, but feels compelled to explain his unwillingness to
donate the night before) Look, I’m not a bad guy. Ok? I don’t hurt anybody. I try to help
when I can. I mean, I’ve given to charities in the past… (he notices her bobbing)
What… What are you doing? You got a little dance going on? At least you’re in a better
mood than yesterday. What? Did all the sea turtles save themselves? (as Paul starts to
laugh at his own joke, the music kicks into gear, and the Greenpeace Canvasser starts
to inexplicably sing & dance…)
11
In a beautiful way!
No rhyme or reason!
Yesterday is retroactive.
La dee da da
La dee da da
La dee da da
La dee da da day!
La dee da da
La dee da da
La dee da da
La dee da da day!
(As more people join in the Greenpeace Canvasser’s song, Paul backs away scratching
his head)
PAUL: What the fuck was that? (He bumps into the homeless man from the night
before)
HOMELESS MAN: That’s alright… (The homeless man also begins to sing…)
I prefer to roam
The dogs are my food (he fishes through a trashcan, pulling out a plastic bag)
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Used to hurt a lot,
La Dee Da Da
La Dee Da Da
La Dee Da Da Day
La Dee Da Da Day!
La Dee Da Da
La Dee Da Da
La Dee Da Da Day
La Dee Da Da Day! (Thoroughly freaked out, Paul opens his wallet and throws all his
money at the homeless man.)
PAUL: Okay, okay! Here take it! (Paul looks around as even more people join in) What?
What is this? I’m very confused and concerned by all this. (From behind Paul, the
Greenpeace canvasser reappears, jumping into the air, belting…)
EVERYONE BUT PAUL: Well, there’s just one way you can do it!
By singing along!
La Dee Da Da
La Dee Da Da
La Dee Da Da Day
La Dee Da Da Day!
La Dee Da Da
La Dee Da Da
La Dee Da Da Day
La Dee Da Da DAY!
(The number ends with a big finish: people doing flips and lifts and striking poses; Paul
runs off, completely bewildered. Lights down…)
SCENE 5
Lights up on the BREAK ROOM at Paul’s office. Charlotte absentmindedly pours too
much sugar into a pot of coffee she’s preparing as Bill regales her with a story she’s not
paying attention to…
13
BILL: Now I get that Alice is eighteen. She’s a senior. She’s got her own life. But I only
get her for one week a month, and now she wants to spend that whole time with her
girlfriend. Deb! So I’m trying to make the most of Alice’s last night in town. I say, “Bring
Deb! We’ll all go see the show!” And would you believe it? We get there and the whole
god-dang theater was exploded! Mamma mia! Huge hole right through the marquee!
Can you believe that, Charlotte? (Charlotte stares off, blankly, still pouring sugar into the
coffee pot) Charlotte? Hey, Charlotte. I think you got enough coffee in the sugar.
CHARLOTTE: Huh? (She snaps out of her daze and notices her coffee mishap) Oh!
Sorry! I’ll make another pot. Coffee in the sugar. Bill, you’re a riot. (as Charlotte starts
remaking the coffee, Paul enters)
PAUL: Hey, guys. Is today some kind of, I don’t know, Canadian holiday or something?
Like International Music Day?
BILL: Not that I know of.
PAUL: Ok. Cuz I just saw some people singing… like they were in a musical. There was
this homeless man, and this very rude woman from Greenpeace on my street doing this
whole choreographed number…
TED: Like a flash mob?
PAUL: Yeah, I guess. I mean, what else could it have been?
TED: Did you get a video of it?
PAUL: No.
TED: You’re fucking useless, Paul.
PAUL: I’ve just have a bad feeling about all this.
BILL: Paul, I think you’re making too big a deal outta this because you don’t like
musicals, for whatever god-forsaken reason.
PAUL: Maybe. Charolette? Have you noticed anything strange?(Charlotte nervously
turns to Paul…)
CHARLOTTE: Well… (shakes her head) No… it’s silly. Probably nothing.
PAUL: What?
CHARLOTTE: Well… It’s Sam. My husband. He said he was getting home late last
night…
TED: He didn’t get home at all! (thinking he’s said too much, he tries to back pedal) I
heard… I wasn’t there.
CHARLOTTE: He must’ve rolled in around six this morning. He was in the shower when
I woke up. I could hear him… singing. And I know this is a strange thing to notice, cuz
Sam’s not a bad singer. He’s just always a little… flat. But not this morning. Today he
sounded like an angel. And I don’t know why, but… it frightened me. It just didn’t sound
like my Sam. I’m probably imagining things. I must sound crazy…
TED: What’s crazy is that you’re still with that asshole.
PAUL: Charlotte, do you remember what Sam was sining?
CHARLOTTE: Oh, just a silly, little song. Something about a La Dee…
PAUL: Da Da Day? (Before Charlotte can respond, MELISSA enters.)
MELISSA: Hey, Paul. Mr. Davidson wants to see you in his office.
PAUL: Oh shoot! I didn’t hand in those reports yesterday! I am gonna get it… (Paul
rushes off; Lights down…)
14
SCENE 6
Lights up on MR. DAVIDSON’S OFFICE. Mr. Davidson, Paul’s boss, sits behind his
desk. Paul enters, sheepishly…
PAUL: Hi, Mr. Davidson. I think I know why you called me in here. My weekly report
was not turned in yesterday. Not because it’s not done. It is done. There’s a problem
with the printer network, you see. You try to print something out here, it gets sent over
there. I bet my report is sitting in someone else’s printer tray. If you give me til the end
of the day, I can find it. Not do it. I wouldn’t just not do my statistical analysis. That
would really gum things up here in the office, and that’s the last thing I want… (Mr.
Davidson leans forwards, and sings…)
Their thoughts.
PAUL: Mr. Davidson, am I being punk’d? Is that still a thing? Getting punk’d?
MR. DAVIDSON: So, what do you want, Paul? What’s your one concrete goal that
motivates all of your actions?
MR. DAVIDSON: Then how’s anyone supposed to sympathize with you, Paul?
PAUL: I don’t know. I’m a regular guy. I want what everyone wants. Money. A partner.
Kids, someday, maybe…
15
(Mr. Davidson goes to his desk and picks up a picture of his wife, Carrol; he looks at it
lovingly…)
(Mr. Davidson presses the intercom button on his phone.) Melissa, will you get my wife
on the phone for me?
MR. DAVIDSON: No, Paul. I want you to hear this. If you leave, you’re fired. (He picks
up his phone.) Carrol? No. Everything’s fine. Yeah. Uh… I just want to tell you
something… Um… (loses his courage) I forgot what it is. Maybe someday I’ll
remember. Goodbye. (He hangs up, and sings…)
Off You!
(As Mr. Davidson climbs onto his desk for a big finish, Paul inches for the door.)
PAUL: Mr. Davidson, I think I’m gonna go get some coffee! Do you want anything?
(Paul runs out. Mr. Davidson passionately hits his final notes.)
We’re through!
(As the song ends, Mr. Davidson notices that Paul has gone.) Paul? Paul? (He tilts his
head back and belts…) PAAAUUULLL!!! (Lights down…)
SCENE 7
Lights up on BEANIE’S. Paul enters in a panic and approaches the empty counter,
frantically talking to himself…
PAUL: Okay, okay, okay. This can’t be happening. Get a grip, Paul. You’re hallucinating.
Better yet, you’re still dreaming! You need to wake up. You need some coffee. That’s it.
A black coffee. (With no one at the counter, Paul desperately calls for service.) Hello?
Hello?!? Please, God. I just want a black coffee… (Emma enters singing…)
EMMA: Black coffee!
I’m you’re coffee gal.
16
Here it comes, nice and hot.
It’s your coffee, pal…
PAUL: (backing away) No. No… Not you too! Emma, please stop singing!
EMMA: (she stops her song abruptly) Sorry, sorry! I’ll stop. I didn’t forget, you’re the guy
who didn’t like musicals. Paul, right?
PAUL: (composing himself) Yeah…
EMMA: Well, if watching people sing makes you uncomfortable, you better find a new
coffee shop. (Emma begins making Paul’s coffee.)
PAUL: Emma… You’re talking to me… Like a normal person.
EMMA: Yeah, and if my boss sees me I’m gonna get canned. New company policy. Not
only do we have to sing when people tip, but when they order, when they come in, all
the time, I guess!
PAUL: Emma, I think there’s something terribly wrong with the world today.
EMMA: Yeah. Fuckin’ tell me about it. I had to spend all morning learning some new
dumbass tip song. I’m exhausted. (motions to the coffee she’s made Paul) Do you
mind? (takes a drink from it, then hands it to him) That’ll be $3.50. (she holds out her
hand for money, but Paul takes it in his)
PAUL: Emma, I feel like there’s something sinister infecting Hatchetfield. And I know
this is gonna sound crazy… and not very scary. But it is scary if you think about the
implications. (grabs her arms) Promise me you’ll think about the implications!
EMMA: Ok, I promise.
PAUL: Emma, I think the world is becoming… a musical.
EMMA: Uh…
PAUL: Don’t say anything! Let it sink in.
EMMA: Ok.
PAUL: Now… Are you frightened?
EMMA: (reacting to the mad look in Paul’s eyes) I am starting to get a little frightened…
PAUL: You should be! My boss just sang to me in his office, Emma! He wants to choke
me… while I jerk off. (As a customer drops a buck into the tip-jar, a bell DINGS. Zoey
and Nora pop out of the back room, dopey, dead smiles on their faces.)
ZOEY & NORA: Emma! Tip! (Relieved to have an excuse, Emma pulls away from
Paul.)
EMMA: Oh, thank god. Sorry, Paul. I gotta do that new dumbass tip song. You should
probably get outta here. Things are about to get real musical. (Emma takes her place
next to Nora & Zoey for the tip song & dance; Paul reaches for her…)
PAUL: No, Emma… Don’t! (Emma, Zoey & Nora sing…)
17
And we’ll bring it right up!
Decaf?!
NORA: Decaf?!
(The girls begin dancing. As they do, they pass out free coffee to all the shop’s patrons,
who happily drink it up.)
(As the number continues, Emma struggles to keep up with Nora & Zoey’s increasingly
complicated choreography. Eventually, she’s totally lost and the song’s still going;
frustrated, she shouts…)
EMMA: Alright, stop! Stop! Really!? A whole ‘nother a-section? When did you guys learn
this? (She throws up her arms.) You know what? I’m done! When I got this job, I signed
up to serve coffee and cold, shitty pastries. If I wanted to be in a musical, I’d be in a
damn musical! That’s right. I was in Brigadoon in high school and I fuckin’ killed it. My
drama teacher said I should be an actress, but you know what sounded crazy to me
even as a dumb seventeen year old? Taking out an eighty thousand dollar loan to get a
fucking useless theater degree, Zoey! I’m just trying to make ends meet while I pay my
way through community college, and I can do that just as easily down the street at
Starbucks. (she pulls off her apron and throws it to the floor) I quit! (She heads for the
door, but Zoey & Nora block her path; they sing…)
NORA & ZOEY: You can’t quit, Emma. Nothin’ to do…
EMMA: (speaking) I sure as hell can.
NORA & ZOEY: The song’s so simple! We’ll teach it to you… (they grab Emma’s arms)
NORA: Why, everyone here will be singing it soon!
EMMA: What are you talking about?
ZOEY: They’ve all had their coffee! Their apotheosis will be upon them at any moment!
(Customers begin to cough, choke, and convulse violently)
EMMA: Zoey, what did you do to their coffee!? (Emma wriggles free from Nora and
Zoey; she grabs one of the coffee cups and starts to pour out its contents: a thick BLUE
SLIME) Fucking gross! (the customers start keeling over; Nora & Zoey round on Emma,
they point at her, tilt their heads back, and belt out piercing high-notes)
NORA & ZOEY: AHHHHHH!!!! (soon the customers begin to rise; they, too, point at
Emma, throw back their heads, and sing…)
CUSTOMERS: AHHHHHH!!! (Emma backs off in terror; Paul rushes to her side)
EMMA: Oh my God! Oh my God!
PAUL: Emma, you need to come with me. We need to run. Now.
18
EMMA: They’re singing! Why are the all singing!? (Paul guides Emma toward the door)
PAUL: Emma, run! Don’t look back! Just run! (Paul & Emma run from the shop. The
mob of singers, led by Zoey, chases them down the street as driving music thumps)
The alley! Quick! Emma! In here! (Paul & Emma duck into a nearby alley as their
pursuers pass by; Lights down…)
SCENE 8
Light up on the ALLEY. Paul & Emma take cover behind a line of TRASHCANS.
EMMA: You were right! I didn’t think about the implications. Oh god, I didn’t think
about it! (She crumples into his arms.)
PAUL: Emma, it’s alright… (Suddenly, Bill pops out from one of the trashcans.)
BILL: Well, how am I supposed to pop out of a trash can and not scare the shit out of
you?!?
PAUL: I don’t know! Give us a warning or something! (Just then, a loud DONG DONG
sounds from within another trashcan.)
PAUL & EMMA: AHHH! (Charlotte emerges from inside that trashcan)
PAUL: Charlotte!
BILL: We had to find a place to hide. Mr. Davidson kept calling people into his office…
and they came out singing! We got outta there before he could get to us.
CHARLOTTE: It was the same at the bank, and the butcher’s, and the post office!
BILL: From Pine Grove to Plymouth Street, it’s like the goddamn Music Man!
PAUL: It’s all downtown. We were just at Beanie’s. (Ted pops out of the last trashcan.)
TED: Shh! Shut the fuck up, Paul! If you wanna stay in our hiding spot, you gotta be
quiet! Something’s going on! We don’t know what it is or who we can trust! So, Paul,
get in a trash can. (points to Emma) You, beat it!
19
PAUL: Yeah you do! She’s the barista from Beanie’s… (he whispers) The ‘Latte Hottay.’
TED: (a beat) That’s not the ‘Latte Hottay!’ That’s the crabby one that won’t sing when I
tip! You grabbed the wrong one, ya’ noodle! (Just then, police SIRENS blare. Red &
blue lights flash as a cop car pulls up to the mouth of the alley.)
CHARLOTTE: Oh, thank god they’re here! (she hops out of her trashcan; she turns to
the others to explain) I called Sam. He’s gonna get us outta here! (Sam and two COPS
enter; Charlotte rushes to her husband) Sam! Thank God! They’ve gone crazy!
Everyone’s gone crazy! (Suddenly, Sam throws up his hand for Charlotte to stop, he
rounds on her, and starts to sing…)
So shape on up.
PAUL: (shouting) Get away from him, Charlotte! He’s one of them!
We're up in your shit. (Cop 1 listens to his walk talkie, then reports)
Yeah, we’re cops (Cop 1 listens to the walkie talkie again, then updates them)
SAM & THE COPS: Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands!
20
SAM: (into a megaphone) Step away from the vehicle.
SAM & THE COPS: Step away from the vehicle/Get those hands up!
SAM & THE COPS: Put it in your mouth and suck it!
CHARLOTTE: Sam, please stop this! I’m your wife! Please just talk to me!
SAM: Charlotte… (For a moment, he looks at her with recognition… But then he pulls
his gun and sings.)
Show me your hands,
(As Sam advances on Charlotte, gun drawn, Ted leaps out of hiding and bashes Sam
over the head with a trashcan lid; Sam falls to the ground, blue ooze spilling from the
wound; Charlotte quickly grabs Sam’s gun and turns it on the other cops)
CHARLOTTE: You better stay back! Get away from us! Just leave us alone! (The cops
run off, making alien noises; Charlotte runs to Sam and holds him in her arms) Sam! Oh
my God! Oh my God! His head’s open!
TED: I had to do something! (Ted drops the trashcan lid. Charlotte picks up a handful of
chunky, blue goo from Sam’s head.)
21
CHARLOTTE: I don’t know how! I’m not a doctor!
TED: That’s not his brain, Charlotte. Look at it. It’s fuckin’ blue!
CHARLOTTE: How would you know?!? You’re not a doctor either! We need a doctor!
We need to get to the hospital! (Emma kneels beside Charlotte and takes her hands.)
CHARLOTTE: But Sam… He needs help. (Emma paces, thinking out loud.)
EMMA: Okay, okay. I got it! I know where to go! I have a kooky, reclusive biology
professor at my community college… Professor Hidgens! I’m his favorite student
because I brought him groceries once! He’ll let us hide out in his house on the edge of
town! (turns to Charlotte) He’s got a doctorate. That’s kinda like a doctor. He can help
your husband, probably. (turns back to the group) And did I mention, he’s like a genius
scientist? He’s got a laboratory, and security, and his whole house is like a panic room.
He’s like a… I don’t know. What do you call a guy who lives in a fortress?
TED: A king.
EMMA: No! He’s a doomsday survivalist. Thinks the world’s ending. Spent the past
twenty years getting ready for the apocalypse!
CHARLOTTE: Is that what this is? The apocalypse? Maybe we should go to a church.
TED: We’re all different denominations, Charlotte! We can’t split up! I’m a Presbyterian!
There’s no way I’m dying in your dirty-ass Methodist church! I say we go to the panic
room and beg for the king’s help! (Paul kneels beside her and puts a hand on
Charlotte’s shoulder.)
PAUL: Charlotte, I think the best thing for all of us, including Sam, would be to get to
the professor.
EMMA: But we gotta go now. We’ll take the squad car. (Emma takes Charlotte off. Paul
reaches for Sam, calling to Bill & Ted.)
PAUL: Come on guys. Help me with him. (Paul takes Sam’s arms and Bill grabs his
legs. As they carry him off, Bill yells to Ted, who looks at the pile of chunky, blue goo
that fell from Sam’s head)
BILL: Ted! What are you doing? You’re just gonna leave his brain on the floor?!?
TED: We’ll get him a new one at the lab! I am not touching that! (They exit. Lights
down…)
SCENE 9
Lights up on the STUDY of Professor Hidgens; the news blares from the television; as
the professor wildly darts about, grabbing beakers and various scientific equipment, he
half watches the tv and half yells at it…
NEWS NARRATION: This is Hatchetfield Action News with Donna Burshaw & Dan
Greene.
DONNA: What began as a series of isolated incidents has escalated into what some
are calling a “musical riot.”
22
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Good God, it’s spreading faster than I theorized.
DONNA: Despite several reports of violence, the Hatchetfield police have assured
channel 9 that there is no cause for alarm.
DONNA: With the ferries down for the season, and no accessible means off the island,
Hatchetfield citizens are advised to stay indoors…
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Like fish in a barrel. Of course the outside world is no help.
It’s up to us now, Alexa! (The professor’s stage business is interrupted as his intercom
system BUZZES; Professor Hidgens clicks off the TV and pulls a revolver from his
pocket. He cautiously approaches the intercom and presses a button to respond.) Who
is it? (Emma’s voice comes through the intercom)
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Don’t lie to me, whoever you are! I’m Professor Hidgens!
EMMA: Professor, it’s me, Emma Perkins! The whole town’s gone crazy! I didn’t know
where else to go!
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Emma?!? You came to the right place! Hold on! I’ll let you in!
(he calls out to an Amazon Echo next to the tv) Alexa, open the gates! (the Echo lights
up; in the distance, mechanical noises CLANK; Hidgens opens the door of the study
and eventually Emma and the rest of the gang rush in, Paul and Bill carrying Sam)
EMMA: Thank you, Professor! These are my friends. Paul and… them. (they nod to
Hidgens) We came from downtown. I know it sounds crazy, but everyone’s…
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Singing? And dancing? Like they’re in a musical? They want
you to join them, and once they get you, you’re a part of it?
PAUL: (beat) How?!? Did you just pull that outta your ass? I mean, it’s amazing…
23
unleashed on a modern city. With our dense populations. Our rapid means of
transportation. My god… it would be unstoppable.
CHARLOTTE: So that’s what’s wrong with Sam? He’s got the plague?!?
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Good God! Don’t tell me you brought one of them here!
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Calm down, all of you! It’s alright. (Hidgens leans down and
inspects Sam’s unconscious body) Providence has brought him to me. Quickly, bring
him here. Tie him to this chair. (He leads them all to a specialized chair with leather
straps on the arms. The professor, with Bill & Paul’s help, ties Sam down. They secure
the restraints with a lock & key.) Make sure he’s secure. For his safety and ours. There’s
no telling what would happen if he were awake and loose. (he takes the key to Sam’s
restraints and hands it to Charlotte) Here. I see no danger entrusting this to you. (he
turns back to Sam’s body, solemnly) I’ve been preparing for this day for decades. Now
all the answers are in front of me, if only I have the wits to decipher them. (he dips his
fingers into the open wound on Sam’s head; he pulls out a glob of thick, blue slime, like
from the coffee cup in Beanie’s; he holds it for Emma to inspect as well) Tell me, Emma.
What on Earth does this look like to you?
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: My thoughts exactly. What the fuck is this shit?!? I’ll tell you
what on Earth it looks like… Nothing. You all remember the meteor from last night. I
dare say it carried a deadly cargo: A contagious pathogen… of cosmic origin.
BILL: Wait a second, Doc. Don’t tell me you’re talking about… aliens.
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Why is that so hard to believe? Think of all we take for
granted now that was once foretold in the pages of Bradbury and Asimov! Look no
further than my robot assistant, Alexa. (he motions to his Amazon Echo) Once confined
to the realm of science fiction, she is now science fact. Alexa, dim the lights. (the lights
dim slightly) Extraordinary. Twenty years ago I would’ve had to walk all the way to the
dimmer. (he walks five steps to the dimmer and turns the lights back up) As
unbelievable as that or this outbreak may seem, seeing is believing. The question is no
longer “can this be happening?” but “how do we fight it?” I’ve got to get this blue shit
under the microscope and see if I can’t find what makes these bastards tick!
PAUL: Sorry, Professor. This is a lot to take in. You have anything to take the edge off?
Like a drink or something? (Hidgens turns to him, almost offended)
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Young man, I have spent the past twenty-seven years stock
piling the bare essentials for human survival in the event of a world-ending cataclysm…
You bet your ass we got booze. Follow me. (Hidgens leads them out of the study; Paul,
Emma and Bill follow; Charlotte stays behind, looking at Sam, worried sick; Ted
approaches her from behind and places a gentle hand on her shoulder…)
TED: Come on, Charlotte. I’ll make you a drink. We can relax. Talk. Fuck. (she whirls
around and slaps his hand away)
CHARLOTTE: Ted! I can’t believe you’re thinking about that at a time like this! The
world could be coming to an end!
24
TED: Hey, if I’m gonna die, I wanna go out doing what I love. Screwin’ around with
another man’s wife.
CHARLOTTE: Ted, you’re such a horny bastard! (she goes to slap him, Ted catches her
arm)
CHARLOTTE: And you know that’s why I can’t resist you! (they embrace passionately)
Umm… (suddenly Charlotte stops and pushes Ted away) Wait! No! Ted, my husband’s
brain fell out today! If I can’t be a wife to him now, what kind of woman am I?
TED: I don’t know, Charlotte. I’m not your therapist. Maybe you should go back to
fucking him. I know that’s why you actually went to counseling!
CHARLOTTE: That’s not the only reason! I wanna make things work with Sam. I love
him. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
TED: That guy’s a worthless scumbag. You could upgrade to a sleaze-ball (points to
himself), but you refuse to be happy. You know what, Charlotte? I’m done. Stay here
with your dying marriage and your dying husband. I’m gonna go hit on that crabby
barista. (he storms out; Charlotte reaches after him)
CHARLOTTE: Ted… (he’s gone) Oh god… (She looks to Sam, then reaches into her
purse and takes out a pack of cigarettes; She lights up and leans on the bookshelf; She
looks up and clasps her hands in prayer.) Oh, God, if you’re up there, you just gotta
know… I didn’t want this to happen. I know Sam and I have had our problems. And I
know I’ve been so angry with him… But I didn’t want him to die! (she starts to cry)
Please, God… Just let him wake up. (Suddenly, Sam’s eyes open and he calls out…)
SAM: Charlotte…
CHARLOTTE: Sam!
CHARLOTTE: It’s for your own safety. And ours. You’re not well, Sam.
SAM: No! Those people left me here to die! Only you can help me, Charlotte. Just untie
me and we’ll get outta here… together.
SAM: Charlotte, baby… Apple of my eye… Don’t you trust me? (Music blares and Sam
begins to sing…)
25
And free!
Charlotte!
Just let me go
CHARLOTTE: (speaking) I can’t, Sam. I love you too, but I can’t let you go. The
professor says you’ve been infected with St. Elmo’s Fire…
In chains…
Charlotte!
Charlotte!
CHORUS: Heart!
CHARLOTTE: (speaking) I’m sorry, Sam. I think I’m gonna get the others… (Again, she
turns to leave, but Sam calls to her, more desperate than ever…)
26
SAM: This body’s not gonna last.
(Sam’s strength gives, and he slumps over, apparently dead from his head injury;
Charlotte breaks; She unlocks Sam’s restraints; She unties him, pulls him off the chair,
and holds him in her arms…)
CHARLOTTE: Sam! Oh god! Sam! What have I done?!? What have I done? (As she
bursts into tears, Sam suddenly springs back to life, now free!)
To free up my heart!
(Sam takes Charlotte in his arms and twirls her as the unseen chorus joins in.)
CHORUS: Heart!
(As the song ends, Sam and Charlotte stop spinning. He looks at her, ravenously.)
CHARLOTTE: Huh? (Without warning, Sam punches his hand into Charlotte’s
stomach!)
SAM: RARGH!
CHARLOTTE: AHHHH!!!! (She watches in horror as Sam proceeds to pull her GUTS
out of her body.) NONONONONONO!!!!
SCENE 10
Lights up on Professor Hidgens’ PARLOR. Emma sits alone in the corner, Paul silently
frets in a chair, and Ted sprawls on a couch clutching a bottle of bourbon. Bill grumpily
rummages through the bar searching for something…
BILL: He said this was a full bar! How the hell am I supposed to make a Shirley Temple
with no cherries?!
TED: Jesus Christ, Bill. It’s the end of the world and you’re gonna get your drink on
with a Shirley fuckin’ Temple?
BILL: Well, if it’s as serious as all that then I figure we might need a designated driver!
TED: Oh, so when the cops pull you over you can pass the breathalyzer before they
infect you with their nasty, blue shit?!?
27
BILL: If you make one more crack at me, I am gonna… (Bill is flustered, clearly not in
the habit of making threats.) …do something… to you.
BILL: I’m gonna… (He tries to come up with something clever and menacing, but
eventually blurts…) Kick your… head.
BILL: Yeah!
TED: Alright, let’s see it! Kick my head! Come on, karate champ! I wanna see you kick
above your waste! Show me that round-house! Show me that sweeping crane kick
your Kung Fu master taught you! (Bill and Ted look ready to go at it, but Paul
intervenes.)
PAUL: Alright, you two, calm down! Ted, Bill’s not gonna kick your head.
TED: Why not? It’s the most vulnerable part of the body. That’s what Sensei Bill taught
me…
PAUL: Ok, it was a dumb threat. Stop rubbing it in. I’m sure if he could do it over he’d
say “ass.”
TED: Uh-uh. You wanna take out a snake? You cut off its head. Where’s the fish rot
from? The head. Take out the head, and the whole thing goes down. That’s why a
fisherman always goes for… the head! (He mimes a karate chop at Bill. Bill slaps his
arm away.) OUH!
PAUL: Gimme… (Paul grabs the bottle of bourbon from Ted.) You’ve had enough of
this, Ted. This is supposed to relax us. Not make us kill each other!
PAUL: (to Bill) Just… cool it. (Paul takes the bourbon and goes to sit by Emma. He
pours her a glass.)
PAUL: Here? (referring to the parlor) To… drink? (He hands her the glass of bourbon.)
EMMA: Back to Hatchetfield. (She takes a long drink.) I spent the first eighteen years of
my life trying to get outta this place. I shoulda stayed in Guatemala. Sure, they got
volcanoes and kudamundis everywhere…
EMMA: It’s like a little raccoon thing. They get into shit. People hate ‘em. But at least
they don’t sing and dance.
PAUL: (pours himself a drink) So is that what drove you back to Hatchetfield?
Kupamundis? Up in your shit?
EMMA: Naw. It was my sister. Jane. (takes a drink) She was the good one. When she
was twelve, she got this Lisa Frank binder where she planned out her whole life, and I
swear to God, she stuck to it. Bullet point by bullet point. Job, husband, house, kid.
And when one sister is so on top of her game, it almost demands the other become a
fuck-up, right?
EMMA: That’s how I saw it. She was off, doing life. And I was doing… something else.
Backpacking, mostly. Surfin’ couches. Bummin’ around. Jane would invite me back
28
home every once in a while. For the big events. Wedding. Baby shower. I’d always say,
“Sorry, sis. I’ll get the next one.” But when I got the invitation to her funeral, it was like,
there is no next one.
EMMA: Hey. You didn’t crash into her car. (takes another drink) So I came back for the
funeral, and I stayed. It’s weird living in someone else’s shadow. When they’re gone,
the light shines on your life for the first time and it doesn’t look too good. There I was.
Thirty. No roots anywhere. Except Hatchetfield. So I figure I’ll make something of
myself. I enroll in community college to get a degree in botany. Do something my sister
would be proud of… I’m gonna start a pot farm.
EMMA: No. But weed’s the future. Gonna be legal nationwide soon. I’ll bet you any
amount of money. Not that it matters anymore. You know, the one thing I’ve been trying
to avoid my whole life is dying in Hatchetfield… but here we are.
PAUL: Fuck ‘em. (They toast and drink) You know, all things considered… I like
Hatchetfield. Been here my whole life. Born and bred. Never wanted to leave. Still
don’t.
EMMA: We’re the same age. How come I never knew you in high school?
PAUL: Yeah. We hated ourselves. Our school motto was “Why are there two high
schools in this town and how did we end up at this one?”
PAUL: So wait… Back at Beanie’s you said you were in your high school production of
Brigadoon.
EMMA: No shit.
PAUL: Yeah. We didn’t have a theater program at our school, so I guess to make us
feel like shit they bussed us over to watch your show. It was the first musical I ever
saw… I hated it. That’s probably the start of my whole thing. You’re the reason I don’t
like musicals!
PAUL: Yeah!
EMMA: (beat) You know, Paul… (Before she can continue, the doors to the parlor burst
open; BOOM! Sam & Charlotte enter, blue goo oozing from their mouths)
29
SONG - JOIN US AND DIE
CHARLOTTE: It is time...
TO DIE!
Sorry to interrupt,
Just die!
(Charlotte suddenly rushes Ted, grabs his throat, and lifts him into the air…)
(Charlotte tosses Ted across the room like a rag-doll; she and Sam turn on Paul, Emma
& Bill, who back off in terror as Charlotte advances…)
To die!
Join us and…
(Charlotte & Sam rush the other characters and start beating them mercilessly;
Charlotte back-hands Emma into the bar; Sam grabs Bill in a choke-hold and punches
him repeatedly; Charlotte smashes a chair over Paul’s head…)
Punch it!
30
Squeeze it!
Crush it!
Kill it!
Punch it!
Trash it!
Ruin it!
Light it up!
(Ted cowers in the corner; Charlotte grabs his foot and drags him to the center of the
room; Sam picks up a sharp splinter of the chair Charlotte broke over Paul’s head; he
holds it over Ted, ready to plunge it into his chest…)
(Just as Charlotte & Sam are about to kill Ted, Professor Hidgens appears brandishing a
shotgun; he shoots Sam, BANG! Sam’s dead body goes flying; Charlotte turns to
Hidgens and howls; she leaps toward him and he fires on her, BANG! Charlotte’s dead
body falls to the ground…)
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: I shot a charlatan! The Charlotte you knew was gone the
moment a note came out of her mouth. After examining that “blue shit,” it didn’t take
long to deduce that thing you brought into my home was no longer human, but one of
the alien brood, genetically reconstructed from the inside out! They’re wearing our skin
to fool us! And that means any one of you could be one of them! So we’re gonna have
a little test to find out who’s a musical doppelgänger… I want all of you to sing. Sixteen
bars! Right now!
PAUL: What?
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Sing, goddammit! (held at gunpoint, the gang starts to poorly
and pathetically sing the beginning of the Disney film Moana, which they only kind of
remember…)
PAUL, EMMA, BILL & TED: Uh… Moana. Make way! Make way!
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: (satisfied, he lowers his gun) Alright, that was terrible. Not a
single one of you was on pitch, and that means you’re all human. (he looks to Charlotte
& Sam’s dead bodies) These things… their tactic is to hide amongst us, but as their
numbers grow they become more bold and, as we’ve seen, violent. We all must be
prepared to defend ourselves. So come over here, everyone, and grab a gun. (he leads
the rest of the gang to a chest; he unlocks it, pulls out a stockpile of various guns; he
starts passing them out) I may have had my driver’s license, my medical license, and
my teaching certificate stripped from me years ago, but none of that impeded me from
using the internet to purchase an arsenal of military grade weaponry. God bless
America. (Just then, Bill’s cellphone RINGS. He answers it.)
31
BILL: Alice? Alice. Oh god, for once in my life, I’m glad your mother left me and moved
you to Clivesdale. You would not believe the day I’ve had… (a beat) What? No. No no
no… Alice. I watched you get on the bus to Clivesdale this morning… (beat) Got off?
Got off?!? To go see Deb?!? Goddammit, Alice! If Deb jumped off a bridge, would
you…? (his tone softens) I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know you’re scared… (beat) What’s
wrong with Deb? She’s doing what? (beat) Alice, listen to me. You stay away from her.
You understand? You get far away… No! This isn’t about me not liking Deb! Right now
you gotta hide! Where are you? (beat) Ok. You stay there… No. I’m coming to you.
(beat) No… don’t say… Everything’s gonna be fine. (beat) No, you got nothing to be
sorry about… (beat) I love you too. (He hangs up and starts ripping through the bar.)
Gimme… Gimme some water and some bread! Goddammit! I knew we were gonna
need a designated driver!
BILL: It’s Alice. She’s still in Hatchetfield. Shit! I’m taking the car. I gotta get to
Hatchetfield High. She’s locked herself in choir room…
TED: And you’re gonna save her?!? (everyone turns to Ted, who looks down at
Charlotte’s dead body with tears in his eyes) G.I. Bill? You’re gonna run and gun your
way through a city full of singing-zombie-mother-fuckers? Wake up, Bill! She’s already
dead.
TED: You’re gonna get there, she’s gonna be dead, and you’re gonna get killed too.
That’s what’s gonna happen if you try to go back through downtown.
BILL: What?
PAUL: Take Evergreen, cut through the park, hop a curb, and you’re in the teacher’s
parking lot.
EMMA: (joining in) Yeah. The window to the staff lounge is always open, so they can
smoke. Slide in and out. That was my old escape route.
BILL: (overwhelmed) Ok, this a lot of directions, and Pinebrooke is full of one-ways…
EMMA: (to Ted) You are such a fuckin’ creep, you know that?
TED: Oh, I’m a fuckin’ creep? I’m a fuckin’ creep?!? The world has changed,
sweetheart. There are no creeps. And there are no heroes. There’s just people who are
alive, and people who are fuckin’ dead. And Bill’s daughter… is dead. I’m just saying
what we all know is true. Right, Paul? (he looks to Paul for validation)
PAUL: (beat) I know that the chances are slim to nil. And I know that Bill doesn’t know
the short-cut… (Paul puts a solemn hand on Bill’s shoulder) Bill, if you go, you’re not
gonna make it… (he takes a deep breath) Which is why I’m gonna go with you to get
your daughter back.
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PAUL: Hey. (smiles) It’s not like you’re asking me to go see ‘Mama Mia.’ (getting into
the spirit, Emma steps forward)
EMMA: Let’s go! We can be there and back in twenty five minutes if we haul ass.
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: No, Emma. There’s work to be done here. I have a theory of
how these creatures can be stopped, but I’ll need an extra pair of hands in the lab.
(Emma nods.) Paul. Bill. Godspeed. (Bill exits. Before Paul goes, Emma grabs his arm.)
EMMA: Paul. Remember. If those things get you, they’re gonna make you sing, and
dance, and all that shit you hate… so don’t you let ‘em.
PAUL: Emma, there comes a time in every man’s life when he has to draw a line in the
sand. (He readies the shotgun) And I will never be in a fucking musical. (Paul heads off
after Bill; Emma, Hidgens & Ted watch them go; Lights down…)
SCENE 11
Lights up on a HALLWAY in Hatchetfield High. The school is dark, misty, and eerily
silent. Paul creeps in, cautiously. Bill runs on shouting…
PAUL: We will, but you have to shut up. This whole school could be crawling with
those… things! You screaming is gonna get us killed, and then who’s gonna save
Alice?
BILL: Right. Right. Sorry, Paul. It’s just… she’s all I have.
PAUL: I know. Just try to stay calm and follow me. (He heads down the hallway and Bill
follows, carrying the shotgun. It pokes Paul’s back. He jumps.) Could you point that
someplace else?
BILL: Sorry. (beat) You know, she’s a good kid, Paul. She’s smart, and I respect her
choices, but if we’re being honest… I don’t like Deb. She’s always on her phone, and I
don’t know… I just think Alice could do better.
PAUL: Yeah, sure, Bill. (Paul is focused on trying to find the choir room, but he’s lost.)
I’m a little turned around. This place is much bigger than Sycamore.
BILL: This morning, the knuckle-head I am, I said “Maybe you could try dating
someone at your own school. In Clivesdale.” And she said, “You just don’t like Deb.”
And what was I supposed to do? Lie? I said, “Why don’t you date someone like Grace
Chasity?” And she goes, “No, Dad! Grace Chasity is a nerdy prude!” I go, “One: I said
date somebody like her, and two: that’s not a very nice thing to say!” Suddenly I’m
defending Grace Chasity, of all people, and Alice says, “You wish Grace was your
daughter!” And I say, “At least she’s nice to me at church!” (beat) I think that fight is
why she got off the bus to see Deb… Paul, I’m the reason she’s trapped here. Oh god,
it’s my fault. (Bill’s voice breaks and tears well up in his eyes. Paul turns to him and
grabs his arms.)
PAUL: Bill, listen to me. This is not your fault. (From a darkened hallway, a voice calls
out…)
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ALICE: Yes it is. (Bill’s daughter, Alice, emerges from the shadows, blue goo dripping
from her mouth. Ominous music echoes.)
BILL: Alice…
ALICE: “It’s all your fault.” That’s the last thought I had before they broke down the
door… (She sings…)
Nightmare time!
(tears stream down Bill’s face; he reaches for Alice, Paul pulls him back)
(From all around, a chorus of doppelgänger teens creep and crawl onto the stage,
including a singing Deb; they surround Paul & Bill and join in the song…)
ALICE: But when you needed to fight you gave her that too…
CHORUS: Aliens invading minds! (the Alice embraces the double Deb…)
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ALICE: At least i was before you left me…
(Bill is shattered. He watches Alice, transfixed and sobbing. Paul touches his shoulder.)
PAUL: Bill, we need to go, right now. (Bill whirls on Paul, pointing the shotgun at him.)
Why am i in pain?
If I turn my insides out, would you even know that i was there?
Girl no more…
BILL: I can’t do it, Paul. I can’t live in a world without my daughter… (He lifts the
shotgun.)
BILL: I can’t live knowing that I’m the reason they got her… (Bill places the shotgun
under his chin and gets ready to pull the trigger.)
PAUL: No, Bill! (Paul runs to Bill and grabs the gun. The two wrestle for the weapon.)
PAUL: NO!!! (Paul pulls the shotgun from Bill’s hands and throws it to the ground. He
turns back to Bill, sincerely.) No, Bill! You’re my best friend! I am not gonna let you die!
(Just then, Alice grabs the shotgun off the floor and blows Bill away! BANG! Bill’s body
goes flying.) Bill! Oh god! Bill! (Alice readies the weapon again and points it to Paul;
minus music echoes as Alice and the chorus of teens gather…)
ALICE: We just keep running into each other, don’t we, Paul? (Paul dives for cover
behind a trash bin) “The guy who didn’t like musicals”… (As Paul scurries away as best
he can manage, Alice cooly marches along after him) We have traveled across seas of
stars, bending countless civilizations to our will, and yet you, Paul, have defied us
thrice! (Alice shoulders the shotgun, takes aim at Paul, and fires; BANG! Paul ducks,
narrowly escaping a blast that blows a hole in the lockers behind him)
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PAUL: Holy shit! (Alice takes aim again, and pulls the trigger… but the shotgun is out of
ammo. CLICK CLICK. Alice looks at the gun, annoyed, and tosses it aside)
ALICE: This puny human weapon is too quick a death for you, Paul. (She opens her
mouth and lets out an ear piercing high note.) Ahhhhhhhhh! (From every direction, more
alien students appear and close in on Paul.) We shall rend you limb from limb. You shall
choke on your agony as you beg for apotheosis… (Paul has nowhere to go; he’s
surrounded; he curls into a ball on the floor; Alice closes in)
PAUL: Nononono… (Just as the students reach for Paul, the doors to the school burst
open… and SOLDIERS of the United States military rush in! They open fire on the alien
doubles, who howl and scatter; BANG BANG BANG! A soldier points his gun at Paul,
who throws up his arms)
PAUL: Ah! Ah! Wait! Wait! I’m not one of ‘em! I human! I’m human! (The soldier smacks
Paul in the face with the hilt of his gun; THUD! Lights out…)
SCENE 12
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: You’re not far off. (from the corner, Ted calls to them)
TED: Look, I’m sorry if I’m a little on edge today. Ok? I lost someone too, ya know?! (he
looks at Charlotte’s body and weeps)
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: On one level, they are individuals. Almost perfect copies of
their former selves. But on another level they are appendages of much larger organism.
Controlled by a… conductor, if you will.
EMMA: And it wants to kill us all so it can resurrect us as part of its shitty musical?
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: That’s one way of putting it. You could also say it’s… uniting
us in a common purpose. Imagine if this entity did spread to the entire planet. It might
achieve what fifty thousand years of human civilization never could… World peace.
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Yes, yes. Stop it. Of course… (Hidgens is lost in thought)
36
EMMA: This all started with the meteor. It’s conducting everything. If we take it out, will
all these things just… die?
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: That’s a sound theory… (Hitchens removes a syringe from his
coat pocket) Which is why it must never leave this room.
EMMA: What?
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: I’m sorry, Emma. (He jams the needle into Emma’s neck and
presses the plunger) Shshsh… Don’t fight it, Emma. Don’t fight it. (Emma looses
consciousness; Ted just stands there in shock)
TED: Holy shit! (Hidgens removes the syringe from Emma’s neck and advances…)
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Come here, Ted, you horny bastard. (Ted backs away,
Hidgens pursues)
TED: No. Please. Not me. No! NOOOOO!!! (Hidgens pounces; Lights out…)
SCENE 13
A harsh light flicks on, shining down on Paul seated in a makeshift INTERROGATION
ROOM. Armed soldiers stand sentry at the door. Paul groggily comes to…
PAUL: Ugh… (GENERAL MCNAMARA enters. He takes a seat across from Paul.)
MCNAMARA: Sorry for that bump on the head, son. You can never be too careful.
What’s your name?
MCNAMARA: Good evening, Paul. My name is General John McNamara of the United
States Military, special unit P.E.I.P. We call it “peip.” (pronounced ‘peep’)
MCNAMARA: And you never will. Not a peep. (he lights a cigar) That’s a joke, son. We
have the unenviable task of cleaning up messes of a certain nature. Situations like what
we got here in Hatchetfield.
PAUL: Are you saying stuff like this has happened before?
MCNAMARA: That is classified. Our agents in town led us to believe the entire
population had been infected by an alien contagion. Quite frankly, I’m shocked to find a
survivor like yourself.
PAUL: Wait. There were secret government agents stationed in Hatchetfield? Why?
MCNAMARA: That is also classified. I got some bad news for you, Paul. My unit was
sent to make a clean sweep of what was once your town. (He removes his gun from it’s
holster and sets it on the table, keeping his finger on the trigger.) No loose ends. No
survivors.
MCNAMARA: Those are my orders. But there is one thing you had better hurry up and
know about me. I love my country, but the experiences I’ve accrued throughout my
tenure with this organization have given me given me a deeper understanding of the
cosmos and our place in it. I follow a higher law than any institution could decree, and
that is the universal truth of love and the strength of the human heart. So I’m gonna
bend the rules for you a little bit, Paul. I have an evac chopper touching down in Oakley
37
Park at twenty three hundred hours. That is eleven-o-clock in the pm. (He holds out his
arm, showing Paul his watch.) Synchronize your timepiece with mine. (Paul takes out
his phone and fumbles with it.) Is that an iPhone? (He takes Paul’s phone and smashes
it on the ground.) Wear a watch. Time is a precious thread in the fabric of the universe.
It deserves its own tool of measurement. (He takes off his watch and gives it to Paul.)
You survive til then, and there’s a seat on that chopper with your name on it.
(McNamara gets up to leave; after a beat, Paul calls out to him…)
PAUL: Wait. General McNamara. (McNamara pauses) I can’t leave without Emma.
PAUL: I think so… I’d like there to be. (Paul thinks about it) I want there to be.
MCNAMARA: (cracks a smirk) Then you must act with integrity and a noble spirit.
MCNAMARA: That’s a negative. Our objective is to contain and clean. This is not a
rescue mission. So you know what that means… (He points his gun at Paul, who
winces; Then he twirls the gun around, offering it to Paul…) I am authorizing you to use
my firearm, retrieve Emma, and get your ass to Oakley Park in two hours time. (Paul
takes the gun; McNamara offers Paul his hand) My intuition tells me that the universe
has brought us together, Paul, and I always trust my intuition.
MCNAMARA: You can thank me when we’re both safe in Clivesdale sharing a cup of
coffee. Do you like coffee, Paul?
PAUL: No, sir. (McNamara drops his hand, stares at Paul for a tense moment… and
salutes him)
MCNAMARA: Now that’s a goddamn, red-blooded American. I’ll see you on that
chopper. (He shouts to the surrounding soldiers) Let’s move out! (Lights down…)
SCENE 14
Lights up on Hidgens’ PARLOR. Emma and Ted sit unconscious, strapped to chairs (of
a similar nature to the one Sam was confined to earlier). Emma’s eyes blink open. After
she realizes where she is, she struggles to free herself to no avail. She calls to Ted…
EMMA: Hey. Hey! (Ted comes to; He looks down to find himself trapped)
TED: Wha… What the fuck!? (As Ted attempts to escape his restraints, Hidgens
emerges from the shadows, his revolver in hand…)
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: So, you’re finally awake. (He sets his revolver down on a
large something covered in a white sheet)
38
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Exactly what needs to be done, Emma. You see, I’ve spent
the last few hours considering every possible outcome to our current predicament and
have settled upon the only logical course of action… Alexa, open the gates. Turn off
the fences. Shut it all down. (the Amazon Echo next to the tv lights up; in the distance,
mechanical noises clank; locked doors swing open…)
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Protecting us from what, Emma? The end of the world?
What’s protecting us from nuclear holocaust? From climate change? Over-population?
Emma… the world was already doomed. Not by them, but by us! All my research, my
theories… It’s been a waste! A lie! I was trying to save something that could not be
saved… until now. But before we can be reborn to a better world, we must first say our
goodbyes. (he approaches his Echo) Alexa, after all these years in isolation, with you as
my one companion, I’ve come to love you as much as I’ve loved any woman of flesh
and blood. That’s why it pains me to have to do this. (beat) Alexa, initiate self destruct.
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: It’s 2018 and it can’t even blow itself up?!? Fucking piece of
shit!!! (he throws the Amazon Echo to the ground and stomps it to pieces)
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: I’m afraid I can’t do that, Ted. Don’t you two see? If humanity
is going to survive, it must evolve! That’s what this visitor from the stars has brought us!
Salvation! This is humanity’s second chance! My second chance! (He walks to the large
something covered in a white sheet and runs his hand across the top of it.)
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Did you know that before I became a biologist, I had a much
truer and deeper passion? Yes. My first love was, and always will be… musical theatre!
(He rips the white sheet off what is revealed to be… a piano!)
TED: This guy’s fuckin’ nuts! (Hidgens pulls up a bench and sits at the piano.)
A real showstopper.
39
With the press and the glamour,
EMMA: (pleading) Professor! Stop! If they find us, they’ll kill us!
(singing)
A showstoppin’ number
An award-winning score
In a thundering chorus!
This song’s pretty good, huh? Bet you didn’t know I was also a composer! In fact, while
I’ve been preparing for the apocalypse, I’ve also been writing my own musical! Do
mind if I give you the pitch?
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: It’s called “Workin’ Boys: A New Musical!” It’s the story of a
group of old college chums. Sure, they’ve found “success” in the business world. Still,
they can’t help but long for the simpler times, back in that beat-up old house on the
edge of campus. But those glory days are gone for good… Or are they? Here’s the title
number! (He pounds the keys and sings again…)
Business calls!
(As the song continues beneath, Professor Hidgens proceeds to act out the opening
scene of ‘Workin’ Boys’…)
Ring! Ring! (out of character) The phone rings. I answer it. (back in character) Oh hey,
Greg. I’m swamped...with business! Stocks, bonds, golden parachutes. (beat)
Remember those days on the football field, Greg? Last weekend feels like ages ago…
(after a beat, getting excited) Today? After work? On the football field? The old
stompin’ grounds, eh Greg? Just me and you… and Stu… and Steve…. and Mark….
40
and Leighton… and Chad? (beat) Five o’clock! I’ll see you then, Greg! I’ll see you
then… (He mimes hanging up an imaginary phone. Looks at it fondly, then explodes
back into song and dance…)
All I want to do
Steve and…
A showstoppin’ number!
A real showstopper!
(Suddenly, the door swings open and CHORUS MEMBER 1 enters, greeting Hidgens
as if he was an old friend.)
CHORUS MEMBER 1: Been a long time. (CHORUS MEMBER 2 climbs in through the
window.)
CHORUS MEMBER 1: Come on, Henry. We have some catching up to do. (The alien
chorus members join in the song. Hidgens gleefully embraces them. They all begin
leaping and twirling.)
PROFESSOR HIDGENS & CHORUS: Workin boys, we’re up in our ass in shit!
TED: Oh God! Please! If you save me now, I promise I’ll be a better person! (Just then,
Paul pops up between Ted & Emma with the keys to their restraints)
PAUL: Shhh. We gotta get outta here while they’re distracted. (Paul unties Emma and
Ted. They all sneak out of the parlor as the chorus lifts Hidgens into the air)
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PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Yes! Yes! Take me! Make me one of you! (The chorus starts
pulling at Hidgens’ limbs, grabbing his soft flesh) Ouh. (Hidgens realizes that the aliens
are about to violently murder him.) Wait. Wait. Can’t you just puke some of that blue
shit into my mouth? (Chorus Member 1 rips into Hidgens’ belly) AH! No! NO! (The
chorus starts pulling Hidgens’ guts and organs out of his body) AHHHHHH!!!!! (The
chorus rips Hidgens’ into pieces, tearing him limb from limb; Lights down…)
SCENE 15
Lights up on the WOODS outside. Paul, Emma & Ted rush on, escaping Hidgens’
house…
EMMA: Oh, Paul… (She throws her arms around him) Where’s Bill?
PAUL: He… He didn’t make it. (He hangs his head for a beat, then…) Now come on.
The military has a helicopter coming to pick us up. We gotta get to Oakley Park in…
(checks his watch) Oh shit! It’s 10:52. We’re gonna have to huff it. (As Paul and Emma
start to hurry off, Ted stops them)
TED: Yes now! Today has… broken me. I’m ashamed of how I’ve acted. With Bill
earlier. I wanted to abandon Emma back there. I wish I could be brave… like you.
TED: See, I deserve any kind of abuse you wanna give me. I’ve been a grade-A
asshole. But I swear I’m gonna be a better person. Cuz today I learned what’s really
important. It’s the people you care about. And Paul, I’ve always considered you my
best friend. (Suddenly a chorus member pops out of the door to Hidgens’ house and
grabs Paul!)
CHORUS MEMBER 2: RARGH! (Ted immediately turns tail and runs for it)
TED: OOOOOOOOOkay! I’m gonna run away while they eat you! (Emma calls after Ted
as she attempts to pull Paul from the chorus member’s grasp)
EMMA: Hey! Get back here and help, you fuckin’ coward!
TED: (as he runs away) I said I’d be a better person! I’m still not a good person! (Lights
fade on Emma and Paul as Ted gets a safe distance away from them. He stops to catch
his breath and look around.) Okay… Alright… I just gotta make it to the chopper. (Just
then, Ted hears the sound of marching troops. He looks off to see a group of
approaching soldiers.) Woah! It’s the military! Oh thank fucking God! Over here! I’m
over here! (He waves his arms and hops up and down.) Everyone else is dead, just save
me! (The soldiers, led by McNamara file on. Ted approaches them.) Oh, you guys are a
sight for sore eyes. You know, I always supported the troops. I bleed red, white, and…
(Before he can even see it coming, McNamara draws his pistol and shoots Ted in the
head. BANG! As Ted’s dead body hits the ground, music blares. McNamara opens his
mouth, letting blue goo ooze out, and starts to sing…)
42
MCNAMARA: No coward or bastard ever won a war by dying for his country!
(Emma pulls Paul onstage, having just saved him from the chorus member’s clutches)
PAUL: Thank you, Emma. (Paul notices Ted’s dead body in the distance, hears the
music in the air, and sees McNamara dancing about) Oh god no… General McNamara.
They got you too.
PAUL: He was a good man. (One of the soldiers accompanying McNamara spots Paul
and shouts…)
PAUL: Run, Emma! Run! (Paul and Emma make a break for it as McNamara and his
troops give chase through the woods. As he pursues, McNamara sings…)
(Paul and Emma run through the woods as the soldiers dance after them)
PAUL: Keep going, Emma! We can still make it to the chopper! (As they try to make it
to Oakley Park in time, McNamara’s soldiers cut them off at every turn. Paul and Emma
narrowly slip past as soldiers flood the stage, singing…)
43
PAUL: We’re down here! We’re down here! (Paul and Emma wave their arms, trying to
get the chopper’s attention; Suddenly, McNamara appears before them) Oh shit!
(McNamara knocks Paul to the ground, stands over him and sings…)
(Just as McNamara is about to snap Paul’s neck, Emma grabs his gun and shoots his
arm; He drops Paul; Paul and Emma run off as the stage fills with the sound of a
helicopter touching down; McNamara howls; Lights down…)
SCENE 16
Lights up on the interior of the HELICOPTER; A helmeted PILOT sits in the front seat;
Paul and Emma crawl into the back…
PAUL: (to pilot) No one else is coming! They’ve all been infected! Get us outta here!
(The pilot pulls on the controls and the chopper takes to the air; Paul and Emma flop
into the seats in the back, finally getting a moment to catch their breath)
EMMA: Oh… Yes. I thought I was gonna die… in fucking Hatchetfield. But I’m not.
Paul, we’re not gonna die! We’re gettin’ outta this shitty town! And this time, I’m never
coming back! (Emma stands, leans out the side of the helicopter and flips the town the
bird) Fuck you, Hatchetfield!
PAUL: Emma! Seatbelts! It’s a little bumpy! (Paul has safely fastened his seatbelt;
Emma ignores him and grabs the pilot’s shoulder)
EMMA: Thank you, man! You saved our asses… (The helicopter bounces through a bit
of turbulence; Emma stumbles)
PAUL & EMMA: Op! (Beside Paul, a DEAD BODY flops out from a compartment it was
hidden in; Paul stares at it)
44
PAUL: Excuse me, pilot! There’s a dead body back here! (The pilot doesn’t respond)
EMMA: Hey, pilot! (Emma grabs the pilot’s arm) Hey! (The pilot spins around and
removes her helmet, revealing herself to be… Zoey! She smiles and sings…)
EMMA: Zoey?
ZOEY: Can we get a triple for you? (Zoey removes a handgun from the holster on her
stolen pilot’s uniform; She points the gun at Paul and Emma…)
EMMA & PAUL: AHHHHH!!!! (As Zoey pulls the trigger, Emma knocks her arm upward;
The gun goes off and shoots out the helicopter’s windshield; BANG! SMASH! Emma
wrestles with Zoey as the chopper spins out of control, plummeting to the ground!
CRASH! Lights down…)
SCENE 17
Lights up on the helicopter CRASH SITE; The chopper lies in mangled pieces, but Paul
still sits safely buckled into his seat; He climbs from the wreckage in search of Emma…
PAUL: Emma? Emma?! Emma, where are you? (He thinks he spots her behind a piece
of debris) Em… (He lifts a sheet of metal to find Zoey, a helicopter blade stabbed
through her shoulder; Blue ooze gushes from her mouth and wounds; She sings…)
PAUL: AH! (Paul slams the sheet of metal onto Zoey’s head, resetting her song…)
ZOEY: Cup of roast… (Paul slams her head again) Cup of ro… (Paul slams her head
repeatedly and Zoey starts skipping like a broken record) Cup… Cuh… Cuuuuhhhh…
(Eventually, Zoey’s voices slows, distorts, and stops as she finally dies. Paul sighs with
relief, and Emma comes crawling onstage)
EMMA: Paul?
PAUL: Emma! (Paul rushes to Emma’s side; She lifts her leg, revealing a metal pipe that
has stabbed through it completely) Oh, god! Emma! Your leg!
EMMA: Oh… fuck! (Emma winces in pain; Blood pours from her leg)
PAUL: Emma, I hate to say this right now, but this is what seatbelts are for…
PAUL: Emma, come on. We gotta get outta here. We’re still in Hatchetfield. We need to
get to the shore. We gotta find a boat, or… (Paul attempts to lift Emma to her feet, but
the pain is too much for her to bare)
EMMA: AHHH! I can’t! I can’t… I can’t move, Paul. I’m not getting off this island…
EMMA: That’s why you gotta fuckin’ kill ‘em before they do… (Emma composes
herself; She grabs Paul’s shirt) The meteor, Paul. You have to destroy the meteor. It’s
the hive’s mind… It’s like that thing your friend said…
EMMA: I don’t know your friends’ fuckin’ names! The meteor is the head! You take out
the head, and whole thing goes down…
45
PAUL: Ok. Ok. (Paul looks around; He sees a belt of grenades hanging from Zoey’s
dead body; He removes it and straps it across his chest) So I gotta get to the Starlight
Theater, destroy the meteor, and all these things will just drop dead?
EMMA: I will. Just gimme… gimme a seatbelt. (She points to a seatbelt that’s been
severed from its place in the helicopter)
PAUL: Right. Sorry. (Paul takes the seatbelt and wraps it around Emma’s leg to stop the
bleeding; While he works, Emma looks up at him)
EMMA: Paul, I know why you came to Beanie’s all the time, and it wasn’t the shit
coffee… We served bad coffee, cuz we didn’t care… Sometimes we’d spit in it. You
may have drank some of my spit, and I’m sorry for that. But I didn’t know you, and I
wish I would of… Paul, if we get through this, I’d like to go see a nice, silent movie with
you sometime… But in case we don’t make it… (beat) Kiss me.
PAUL: Ok… (Paul leans in to kiss Emma, but before he can, she coughs up blood in his
face)
EMMA: Sorry. I think that’s all of it. Get on back in here. (She beckons for Paul to try
the kiss again; He shakes his head)
EMMA: Yeah. Fuck it. Get outta here. (Paul gets up to leave, but stops to glance back
at Emma one last time. She nods to him.) Paul, go stop this thing… (He exits. Lights
down…)
SCENE 18
Lights up on the STARLIGHT THEATER. The entire place is crawling with the alien
chorus. They dance in from every direction, singing…
SONG - LET HIM COME - A half-reprise of the show’s opening number. The
chorus narrate as Paul makes his way across town towards the theater.
Throughout the number, it becomes apparent that they’re letting Paul get to the
meteor for some mysterious reason…
He’s a-comin’!
Who’s a-comin?
Paul’s a-comin!
Paul’s a-comin?
46
(By the end of the number, Paul has reached the center of Hatchetfield to find…)
PAUL: The old Starlight Theater… (Pauls crawls through police tape and debris, into
the half-destroyed, old building; In the midnight moonlight, Paul can see the jagged
meteor, pulsating with an eerie blue glow) There it is… the meteor. (A familiar voice calls
out from the shadows…)
BILL: We’ve been waiting for you, Paul. (Bill enters, blue slime dripping from his
glowing mouth)
PAUL: Bill! St… Stay back. (Paul grabs one of the grenades from the belt strapped to
his chest and threatens to pull the pin. Just then, an alien double of Ted appears.)
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: All your friends are here, Paul. (Mr. Davidson slinks in)
PAUL: No, no… Mr. Davidson didn’t want to become a mindless, alien slave. He
wanted to be choked by his wife while he jerked off. Well, I’m gonna put a stop to this.
(The Greenpeace Canvasser walks out from behind the meteor)
PAUL: Back off, Greenpeace girl. You see this? (referring to his grenade) I pull this pin
and you’re all toast.
MR. DAVIDSON: What about you, Paul? You’ll die too. Is that what you want?
MR. DAVIDSON: In fact, we think there’s a song in you yet… (Paul’s doppelgänger
friends begin to sing…)
Of your soul?
What’s it about?
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Just let it out, let it out, let it out!
Let it out, let it out… (Suddenly, Paul belts out a note, joining in…)
PAUL: Never!
PROFESSOR HIDGENS: It’s your proximity to the meteor, Paul. The air here is thick
with its spores! Feel your apotheosis begin as they take root in your mind! Do you really
think we’d let you kill us? You’ll be one of us before you can pull that pin! (Paul’s body
begins to twist as more of the song spills from his mouth…)
Or just a sound?
To a rhyming’ scheme?
Stop it!
Am I dead?
La da da da da da da da daaa…
No no no no no no no noooo!
(The lights fade on everyone but Paul. He stands center stage. He looks around at the
world with new eyes. He sings…)
Is my integrity
Am I crazy?!
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ALL: Let it out, let it out, let it out!
OOOOOOUUUUUUTTTT!!!!!!!
(As the song swells to a climax, Paul grabs the grenade. With every last bit of strength
he has… he pulls the pin!)
ALL: NO! WE CANNOT BE RESISTED!!! (Paul, fighting the alien spores ravaging his
body from the inside out, raises the grenade into the air…)
PAUL: I DON’T LIKE… MUSICALS!!!!! (Paul throws the grenade at the meteor! The alien
doubles howl in despair!)
SCENE 19
NEWS NARRATION: This is Clivesdale Morning News with Rod and Racheal.
RACHEAL: It’s been two weeks since tragedy struck our sister city of Hatchetfield.
Candlelight vigils line the streets as Clivesdale citizens try to make sense of this
unspeakable loss.
ROD: Every last man, woman, and child in Hatchetfield gone in the blink of an eye. A
meteor and a ruptured gas line was all it took to wipe them off the map, but it will take
much, much more to wipe them from our hearts. (A NURSE appears from behind the
hospital curtain. Colonel Schaffer sees her and rises.) Reconstruction efforts have
already begun, as… (Schaffer clicks off the television and addresses the nurse.)
COLONEL SCHAFFER: Is she ready to go? (The nurse nods and pulls back the
hospital curtain to reveal… Emma. She hobbles towards Schaffer, using a cane.) How’s
that leg doing, Kelly?
EMMA: Ugh, why’d it have to be ‘Kelly’? I loved my old name. Couldn’t you have
picked something close? Like ‘Emily’?
COLONEL SCHAFFER: That is a negative, Kelly. You’ll get used to it. We don’t want
anyone making any connection between you and Emma Perkins, who perished in the
Hatchetfield catastrophe.
EMMA: You could’ve at least given me a cool death. Something my friends coulda
bragged about at parties. Like ‘my friend Emma got her flesh melted off trying to shield
a child.’ Something heroic. I mean, it was my idea to destroy the meteor.
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COLONEL SCHAFFER: And Uncle Sam is not ungrateful. Kelly, this is for you. (She
hands Emma an envelope.) Inside you’ll find a new passport, social security card, and
the deed to a five acre plot of land in Colorado. Green. Fertile. Hell of a place to grow
some cannabis.
EMMA: Thank you. (beat) Colonel Schaffer, are you sure I was the only survivor?
COLONEL SCHAFFER: We’ve been through this, Kelly. There were no survivors. Save
one pocket-sized squirrel found burrowed into the body of a United States veteran.
COLONEL SCHAFFER: Now, that’s a story we can disclose to the public. In the wake
of a tragedy like this, a little bit of good news goes a long way. (Emma looks at
Schaffer, solemnly.)
COLONEL SCHAFFER: He was a good man. If not for his sacrifice, the outbreak
could’ve spread to the mainland. Hatchetfield could be contained, but if it got loose
here in Clivesdale, there’d be no stopping it. Your friend may have very well saved the
planet, single-handedly. (Schaffer puts on her hat.) Goodbye, Kelly. Good luck with the
pot farm.
EMMA: Thanks. (Schaffer heads for the door, but before she leaves, she turns back to
Emma.)
COLONEL SCHAFFER: Oh, and one last thing. You will be escorted to Colorado by a
Mr. Ben Bridges. He’s waiting outside.
COLONEL SCHAFFER: According to our records, you two are quite close friends. Peip
would like to see it become something more. (Schaffer opens the door… and Paul
enters!)
EMMA: Paul? Holy shit, Paul!!! (Emma runs to him. She throws her arms around him
and buries her face in his chest.) Oh, thank god. You made it. Paul. We made it. (She
smiles up at him. He smiles back. As he does, blue goo drips out from between his
teeth. He tilts his head back, and starts to sing…)
SONG - INEVITABLE
EMMA: (backing away) Paul… What are you doing? (Paul keeps singing)
I'm still the man you trust… (Schaffer sees Paul singing)
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PAUL: (singing to Emma) It’s inevitable for us!
COLONEL SCHAFFER: (She pulls her gun on Paul, but before she can do anything,
the nurse jumps on her back and bites a chunk of flesh from her neck!) AHHHH!!!
(Blood sprays. Schaffer falls to the ground. Paul approaches Emma…)
EMMA: Stay the fuck away from me! You’re not Paul! You’re one of them!
It’s inevitable…
(As Paul continues, the nurse and other chorus members join in his song…)
Put your words to lyrics and you’re playing the game now.
EMMA!
(More chorus members enter from every direction, joining in the dance…)
Get ‘em up
CHORUS: Ooooh!
CHORUS: Ooooh!
CHORUS: Aaaahoooh!
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What if i told you a story:
It was inevitable…
Inevitable…
Inevitable...
(Emma watches in horror as the song ends in one last, remarkable tableau! Lights go
down. When they come up again for the curtain call, Emma still looks on, absolutely
terrified.)
EMMA: Oh no! OH GOD, NO! Who are you bowing to?!? There’s nobody there!!! (The
chorus lifts Emma into the air.) Oh no! Help me! Somebody! HEEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!!
(The chorus carries Emma off to her doom…)
THE END
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