What All Parents Should Know

Why aren’t you in your room studying?

Why are you always on your phone?

Why don’t you talk to me?

Oftentimes parents get frustrated with their children because of an obvious lack of

communication. It is extremely important that parents have the knowledge and the tools to

understand how to more aptly communicate with their kids and thus strengthen their filial

relationship.

Although I learned an immense amount of valuable information about adolescent stress

and depression at the Project Resilience sessions, the main take-away I received was the

realization that an invisible barrier exists between most parents and their children, which is

especially prominent in Asian American families. The more I learned about the growing number

of teenagers suffering depression, the more I felt it was necessary to help parents learn to identify

symptoms before it is too late. Since most teenagers around my age, including myself, feel

uncomfortable talking to their parents about what they may be going through, I started searching

for reasons as to why this roadblock exists between family members who really should be the

most comfortable and candid around each other.

I have compiled a list of what may be some of the causes that contribute to the gap

between parent and child communication— the first of which being cultural and language

barriers that lead to feelings of helplessness. Children of immigrant parents simply do not feel

comfortable talking to their parents about their problems because they think that their situation in
no way compares to the hardships that their parents had to endure while coming to this country

in pursuit of a better life. This misconception is furthered by parents criticizing their children for

“not trying hard enough” or “not appreciating” their privileged life in America when things were

so horrific decades ago when they had first had to flee their home country. This causes children

to be hesitant to express their problems to their parents, as they fear having to endure lectures

about how they had overcome their hardships as an immigrant and how life in this era is “easy”.

In Asian American families, we often see parents who are impassive, hypercritical, and

unrelenting in their constant comparing of their kids to others. This causes tension and

resentment in the child/parent relationships. As expected, children do not respond well to harsh

criticism, nagging, and/or yelling. These actions are detrimental to the mental well-being of the

child and establishes a negative connotation of the parent. Additionally, the majority of Asian

parents use their children as an object to brag about to relatives or friends. These comparisons

prove to be particularly deleterious to the mentality and self-esteem of the child. Speaking from

first-hand experience, the fact that my close family boasts about my accomplishments to my

other relatives instills pressure in my life, as I now feel obligated to push myself, possibly further

than I could handle, to supply my family with achievements to brag about. I know that many of

my friends, many of whom are Asian American, also feel obligated to push themselves to be

better than their peers and other relatives because of this method of comparison, and it is

immensely harmful to one’s self esteem and overall mental and physical health.

However, no matter how many problems may present themselves, the strength of familial

bonds will always surpass them, but it is also essential that parents learn the correct and effective

methods of communicating with their children. Although all families and their situations are
different and unique, I have compiled some tips and advice to improve communication skills.

The first, and arguably the most important step to creating a bond with your child is to

make time to spend together one-on-one. Spending time outside of the more confined space of

your house, such as watching movies together or going to the mall, allows your child to be open

and spend genuine time with you without the many distractions of the home, such as Netflix or

homework. Personally, I bond the most with my mom when we go out for ice cream or to go

shopping together, and that time is very valuable to me because we both have the opportunity to

catch up and take a break from our busy schedules. Listening to your child is also extremely

important. Human beings in general desire to express their thoughts and feelings in many ways,

mainly through communication. By allowing your child to “rant” to you without constantly

interrupting them, a comfortable and sincere environment is created, and will thus cause them to

be more likely to openly talk to you about their problems in the future, instead of bottling

pent-up emotions. Mutual respect of privacy between parent and child is also extremely

important to establishing a sincere, open environment. Many parents tend to barge into rooms

without knocking first, which makes the child feel like there is a lack of trust.

All in all, there is an invisible barrier between immigrant parents and their Asian

American children, and we must work to knock down this wall and become united.