1.

Lights up:
The woods. A young boy, SEAN leads the way with
two other young boys, KYLE and CONRAD.
KYLE
You better be right about this porno in the woods Sean!
SEAN
Trust me it’s there. You guys are gonna shit on our
dicks when you see these tits!

CONRAD
I don’t trust nothin’ ’cept, my parents and Moltar, the
sand wizard that we worship. Respect our religious
choices Kyle!

KYLE
I didn’t even say anything. Our moms go to Mensa
meetings together!
They approach a small tree stump. Sean walks up
the tree stump. reaches behind it and pulls out
three PORNO MAGS.
He raises it above his head in triumph.
SEAN
I am gonna fire off so many ghosts with this!

KYLE/CONRAD
Wow!
SEAN
You believe me now?

KYLE
I am sorry I ever doubted you Sean.
CONRAD
Woods porno does exist.
KYLE
But who leaves porno in the woods anyways?
SEAN
"American heroes" that’s who.
From the other side of the woods emerges BIG JIM
BRAWN. A mythical lumberjack character, bearded,
dressed in flannel and carries several porno mags
in his hands.
 2.

SFX: BIG JIM BRAWN THEME

BIG JIM BRAWN
"I’m Big Jim Brawn. Big Jim Brawn. Here to bring you
porn! Pushed out of a woman in the top of a tree. My
father was a bald eagle from the land of the free.
Leaving porno for all to see. I’m Big Jim Brawn!" (goes
through the piles that he’s carrying, to himself)
"Hustler", "Penthouse", "Beaver Touch". These are gonna
do alot of good out here in the middle of the woods!

CONRAD
(to Big Jim Brawn) Who are you?
Big Jim stops in his tracks.
BIG JIM BRAWN
Oh sweet, Shannon Tweeds nipple! Ya caught me. Looks
like Big Jim Brawn is in debt to you.
KYLE
Who’s Big Jim Brawn?

BIG JIM BRAWN

I travel to woods all over the world leaving porno for
pre-teen boys. How do you think young shrubs learn so
much about 69ing? Blue Squirrel? Or Smokehouse Pepe?
KYLE
(to Sean) We thought you were just making those up!
SEAN
Smokehouse Pepe is NOT made up.
CONRAD
Is no one going to mention a grown man is supplying
pornography to children?
BIG JIM BRAWN
Correction. I am a mythological man supplying
pornography to children. You see, one day my great
great, great, great grandfather, Big Tom Brawn, saw a
young boy, around your ages, wandering through the
woods. Well, Big Tom decided he was gonna do some good.
In his pocket he had a local nudie photograph of young
nickle peep show starlet Merta Beltnap, with little
erect, Hershey kiss nipples. And the rest of history.
CONRAD
I am still confused by all of this.
 3.

BIG JIM BRAWN

Ah, awaiting for Ole Big Jim Brawn to dispense the
coming of age lit so you can bat around the ole tree
stump eh? It’s a tale as old as time.
SEAN
Yeah, I have been coming out here for years.
BIG JIM BRAWN
You don’t know the excitement I feel after seeing a
bright, eight year old boys face when he looks
underneath a tree stump and finds a copy of "Butts
Magazine"
CONRAD
That is wildly inappropriate!
BIG JIM BRAWN
Listen to the official Brawn Call!
Big Jim Brawn takes his hand and places it to his
mouth, as if he is about to yodel.
He opens his mouth. And out comes the sound of two
people fucking.
SFX: TWO PEOPLE FUCKING.

A hawk SHRIEKS and lands on his arm, in it’s claw.

Is a copy of "Beaver Hunt"
BIG JIM BRAWN
Thanks Merlin!
He takes the copy of the magazine out of the hawks
claw.
BIG JIM BRAWN
Hot off the presses.
Big Jim Brawn hands the copy of the magazine over
to Sean.
BIG JIM BRAWN
(to Sean) To wet in your hands.
From the other side of the woods appears a woman,
Tipper Gore. Dressed in hunting gear. Carrying a
rifle.

TIPPER GORE
Not on my watch. I have been following you decades you
smut peddling mythological pervert.
 4.

BIG JIM BRAWN

Tipper Gore! Why won’t you let this go?
TIPPER GORE
Someone has to save the children. And it has to be me.
(pause) Cover your eyes kids. I am doing this for you!

She raises the gun and fires. BOOM.

BIG JIM BRAWN
Save me "Cumfuck Amputees"

Big Jim Brawn holds up a copy of "CumFuck

Amputees" in front of him. The bullets ricochet
off.
It goes into Tipper Gore.

TIPPER GORE
Oh no! The bullet ricocheted off the pornography and
shot my chest. Oh sweet irony.
BIG JIM BRAWN
It’s also called an Oregon Militant.
The boys and Big Jim Brawn dance around her with
porno in her hands.
Lights out.