Tone, Style, and Figurative Language: Practice 5

Introduction

Don't be bugged by fleas and ticks. Get your dog or cat treated today.

Perky Pet Veterinary Hospital

Your pet depends on you to keep it safe and comfortable. Get your dog or cat
immunized today.

Small Animal Veterinary Hospital of Central Texas

Pet owners have an implicit obligation to maintain their pets' health and well-being.
Update your dog's or cat's immunizations today.

Responsible Care Veterinary Hospital for Serious Pet Owners

Source: Picture 468, self, Wikimedia

Which of these advertising pitches would you respond to most positively?

It depends on what sort of veterinary care you like.

If you prefer a veterinarian with a no-nonsense approach, you will probably respond to the pitch from
Responsible Care Veterinary Hospital.
If you prefer a veterinarian who could be your best friend reminding you of your responsibility as a
pet owner, you would probably respond to the ad for the Small Animal Hospital.

If you prefer a veterinarian who will call your pet by its name and scratch it behind the ears before
giving it a shot, you might respond best to the Perky Pet ad.

Each of these advertisements has a different tone. The Perky Pet ad has an informal tone with a
little humor. The Small Animal Veterinary ad has a semiformal tone. It doesn't treat immunizations as
a joking matter, but it makes this veterinary hospital sound like a friendly place to take a pet. The
Responsible Care Veterinary Hospital for Serious Pet Owners presents itself as a formal
establishment by taking a formal tone in the advertisement.

Source: Tone, Jacob Joaquin, Flickr

Which tone is correct?

All of them are. The tone gives readers of the advertisements an impression about the attitude of the
veterinarians. As long as the veterinarians are aware of what tone they are taking and the
impression it is likely to give, each of these different tones is effective.

How can tone go wrong, then, if all these different levels of tone are acceptable?

Tone goes wrong (and requires you as an author to revise) when it is distractingly inappropriate.

This can mean that there is some jarringly formal diction or formal figures of speech in an informal
text, or more frequently, that there is some jarringly informal diction or informal figures of speech in a
formal (or academic) text.

Can you spot the inappropriately formal sentence in the advertising text below?
Source: Pet of the Week: Tiger, #1049684, Human Society of Greater . . ., Flickr

Source: Pet of the Week: Fred Jackson, #18777453, Human e Society of greater . . ., Flickr

Don’t be bugged by fleas and ticks. Keep Fido or Kitty feeling happy. Fulfill your
obligation to maintain your pet’s health and well-being.

The third sentence is more formal than the first two sentences. Maybe you didn't feel that the
formality of the third sentence in the advertisement above was completely inappropriate. Usually,
some formality that finds its way into informal writing can be more acceptable than the other way
around.

Look at the passage below. See if you can tell what is inappropriately informal.

Pet owners have an implicit obligation to maintain their pets’ health and not let the
pets be bugged by fleas and ticks. You have chosen to accept responsibility for your
pet; you need to give the pet the best care possible.

You're right: The word “bugged” in the first sentence is informal.

In this lesson, you are going to learn about and practice a strategy for checking the tone of your
diction and your figures of speech. First of all, you will systematically think about your writing by
identifying the diction and figures of speech that indicate tone. Then, you will evaluate the
appropriateness of the tone that the diction and the figures of speech indicate.

Identifying Diction Indicating Tone

There are several levels of tone that you can adopt when you write depending on what you want a
reader to think about your attitude toward the subject. The most important divisions in levels of tone
are formal, semiformal, and informal.

 Use a formal tone when you write for an unknown audience. Use this tone when you want your
readers to know that you take what you are writing about seriously and you want to be taken
seriously as a writer.

 Use a semiformal tone when you write for an audience you feel comfortable with, but you still
want to be taken seriously.

 Use an informal tone when you write for an audience that you know very well. An informal tone
sometimes suggests that you don’t want to be taken seriously; you just want to be friendly.

Source: College students travel abroad for Yongsan youth camp, U.S. Army Garrison Yongsan, Flickr

What if you want to describe a summer job you had as a camp counselor? You hope to get another
job at a child development center, so you need to describe to the manager what you did as a
counselor. You also want to describe your summer work to a group of students at school during a
discussion of vacation employment. Finally, you want to describe it to a good friend who will listen to
you and help you vent about how the discussions went.

 One discussion will have a formal tone: “I’m serious about this. I am confident about having been
successful in the job. I think my work in this area was a very important contribution.”
 One discussion will have a semiformal tone: “It was all quite an experience. I look back on it with
some good and some bad memories. I learned a lot. I had some fun. I’m glad I did it, but it
wasn’t the most wonderful thing I’ve ever done.”

 One discussion will have an informal tone: “You know what I mean by this, right? I’ll tell you
about it, but we’re friends, so you know that some of this is a little over the top.”

Source: Summer Camp 424, Alex, Flickr

There are many ways to describe your work as a counselor. Look at the six possibilities below and
choose whether each exemplifies formal, semiformal, or informal tone.

1. I mentored and advised children ages 6 through 12. I prepared programs that integrated physical
and mental activities for physical, cognitive, and emotional development.
Source: PDiddyin2008, watchwithkristin, Wikimedia

Source: Desfile/Teen Fashion, sebah carvalho, Flickr

Now, let’s do some analysis to determine what makes the formal passages seem formal, what
makes the informal ones seem informal, and what makes the semiformal passages seem to be
somewhere in between.

Look at the two formal passages below. Click the words that seem to contribute to the formal tone. If
you are correct, the word will be highlighted and you can read a comment.You should find 14 words
or phrases.
Source: Camp Provides Safe Summer Fun for Kids With Asthma, Cristiana Care, Flickr

Now, let’s look at the semiformal passages. Click the words that seem to contribute to the
semiformal tone. If you are correct, the word will be highlighted, and you can read a comment. You
should find 11 words or phrases.

I had a real live-wire group of kids from 6 years old to 12. We did all sorts of games,
many of which I planned. We also did activities that were team-building
and problem-solving deals, building up their minds and their little bodies.

The kids I counseled were sort of a mess at first. They didn’t know how to work
together. They didn’t have much confidence or perseverance. They would just give
up if what they were doing didn’t work the first time. I tried to help them get more
mature, have more dedication, and just become happier, stronger kids.
Source: Camp Provides Safe Summer Fun for Kids With Asthma, Cristiana Care, Flickr

Now, let’s look at the informal passages. Click the words that seem to contribute to the informal tone.
If you are right, the word will be highlighted, and you can read a comment. You should find 10 words
or phrases.

I can’t believe what I went through with those little brats. OMG. What a circus that
was. They were driving me bananas. Herding cats, that’s what it was like—more like
herding crazy cats.

Don’t remind me. I don't even want to talk about it. What a summer. Did I do a good
job? You’d better believe it. I was fantastic. Were the kids good? I don’t believe so. I
was never so happy as when I finally got to see their little behinds on the way out
the door as they got in their parents’ cars to go home.

Some words are obviously formal, and some are obviously informal. There are also many words that
straddle two levels such as “kids,” “live-wire,” and “just give up.” When you revise for tone, you
should watch for examples of distractingly misplaced words and phrases. This is not a mechanical
operation; it is a decision based on your ability to hear the tone.

Notice that sometimes an informal word can be used in a formal context, and even more frequently,
formal words can be used in informal contexts. Often, these out-of-place words are used for humor
or variety. Writers sometimes place them in quotation marks to indicate they differ from the rest of
the text in tone.
Identifying Figurative Language

Source: 36/365: IT’S RAINING CATS AND DOGS, hitzi 1000, Flickr

Figurative language is language that a writer does not mean literally. If you are describing the
weather to someone, you might use figurative language. “It’s raining cats and dogs” does not mean
animals are dropping out of the sky. Your choice of figurative language to describe the weather
would almost certainly indicate the tone of your comments.

In the middle of torrential rains that are causing flooding, no one thinks that rain is much of a
laughing matter. Under these conditions, a person describing the rain would probably not use an
expression like “raining cats and dogs.” “It’s raining cats and dogs” indicates a whimsical or fanciful
attitude toward the rain, which would be far from the attitude of a person dealing with flood waters.

On the other hand, someone who is sitting on the front porch enjoying a heavy spring rain might
comment to someone on the phone that it is “raining cats and dogs.”

Source: Hot as Hell, truthout.rg, Flickr

Figurative language almost always carries an indication of tone. In the previous section, we sorted
diction as formal, semiformal, or informal. We could do the same sorting of figurative language.
However, it might be better to sort it as lighthearted or serious.

Figurative language with a lighthearted tone indicates that you would like a reader to imagine you
smiling or even laughing at your own comparison.

Figurative language with a serious tone indicates that the comparison is not intended to entertain but
rather to make very clear what is at stake in your statement.

In the exercise below, drag the descriptions of illness below into boxes indicating a “lighthearted” or
“serious” tone.

Source: On Top of the World, ShellyS, Flickr

It’s pretty clear which phrases in the sentences above are figurative (just think of which parts of the
statements could not be literally true). Just for practice, however, let’s identify the figurative language
by highlighting it.

The two serious passages are repeated below. Click on the phrases you think are examples of
figurative language. If you are correct, the phrase will be highlighted.

I thought I was feeling better, but now I’m feeling sick again. This is just the last
straw.
The medication I’m taking is making my head feel like I’ve got a live electrical wire
hitting my brain.

The two lighthearted passages are repeated below. Click on the phrases you think are examples of
figurative language. If you are correct, the phrase will be highlighted.

Source: Breaking Heart Co., Daniel Kulinski, Flickr

Now, try identifying the figurative language in the passage below. Click on words or phrases that you
think are examples of figurative language. If you are correct, the word or phrase will be highlighted.
The highlighting will be in turquoise for lighthearted figurative language and in grey for serious
figurative language. You may disagree about whether the language is lighthearted or serious. This
distinction is not crucial as long as the examples of figurative language fit in with the general tone of
the essay. You should find a total of 11 instances of figurative language.

Dancing in the Wet and Cold Streets

Am I just crazy, or do other people feel the same way I do? It’s just so hard for me
to get in gear when it’s wet and cold outside. I know some people like Samuel
Johnson, the dictionary king, think this is “folly.” I know people like Johnson say we
should be able to grab hold of the reins and reject these feelings as nonsense.
However, even if it is possible to get free of the “bad-weather blues,” it is still not
easy. Sometimes, I’m just not up to it.

Of course, it is especially difficult if what I need to do is something that I have no

energy for in the first place. For instance, suppose that I am to clean the baseboards
in my bedroom, vacuum the living room, or feed the iguana. Doing things that I
already hate to do becomes a near-impossible task when it’s raining and cold
outside. It’s like Hercules and the Aegean Stables. I can’t remember whether the
myth mentions what the weather was like when Hercules undertook to clean the
stables, but I’ll bet it wasn’t wet and cold. If it had been, Hercules would have thrown
in the towel on that labor.

After I’ve complained so much about this, you are probably not expecting me to
make some lemonade out of the situation. Actually, there is one thing I know that
can turn my attitude around, maybe not 180 degrees but at least 90. That is music.
Not just any music will do. It has to be one special song. That one special song
will grab me by the shoulders and start me dancing, dancing outside and dancing
inside. Suddenly I can do the baseboards, start up the vacuum cleaner, and face the
iguana. That special song for me is Martha and the Vandellas’ “Dancing in the
Streets.”

Johnson says it’s folly to let bad weather affect your mood. I say when the weather
is bad “the time is right,” not for actually dancing in the streets, but certainly for
listening to it. Not doing so is folly.

Correct! This is serious figurative language.

Here are some of the above sentences with the figurative language removed:

Am I the only one who feels this way, or do other people feel the same way I do? It’s
just so hard for me to be productive when it’s wet and cold outside.

Here are the original sentences for comparison:

Am I just crazy, or do other people feel the same way I do? It’s just so hard for me
to get in gear when it’s wet and cold outside.

For another example, consider this revision of a sentence from the third paragraph.

Changed sentence:
That one special song will produce in me an involuntary response to start dancing.

Here is the original sentence for comparison.

That one special song will grab me by the shoulders and start me dancing, dancing
outside and dancing inside.

Source: Dance, Ace Reston, Flickr

In both the examples, we have revised the tone by eliminating the figurative language. Sometimes,
however, the figurative language actually contributes to a formal tone. The reference to the Aegean
Stables (one of the twelve labors of Hercules) would be appropriate in the text of a Supreme Court
decision, but the reference to Hercules “throwing in the towel” would not.

People who have difficulty singing on key are sometimes referred to as “tone deaf.” There are some
people whose e-mails are the same way. When you revise for tone, you need to “hear” the tone in
your language. You cannot rely on a memorization of informal expressions and formal expressions.
You need to cultivate your sensitivity to tone through practice and extensive reading of a variety of
texts.

Spotting Jarring Departures from Tone in Diction and Figurative Language

The New York Times recently asked a group of writers and child-rearing experts to comment about
the benefits of summer camps away from home, what the article called “sleep-away” camps.
This discussion was a serious interaction among adults with different opinions on the issue. In the
passages below, you should be able to detect where the experts’ comments have been changed
from the original. There are a few places in each of the passages where either the diction or the
figures of speech have been replaced by diction or figures of speech of a much more informal tone.

This is the sort of distracting departure from a serious tone that you should be careful to revise out of
your own academic writing. The first step in such a revision is to identify the diction and figures of
speech in the text. In the passages below, this step has been done for you. The second step is to
decide which diction and figures of speech are jarring departures from the serious tone of the text in
general. This will be your challenge in the following exercise.

Below are doctored passages from the New York Times discussion with brackets around words and
phrases that indicate tone and figurative language.

As you read the passage, click on the bracketed words and phrases that may disrupt the tone. Then,
answer the question about whether you think the phrase needs revising. When you are finished with
each passage, check your understanding to see the original version of the text.

Camp also [eggs on] [kids] who [are unhappy] to set their own goals and
work on [improving their skills] in a [who-cares-what-you-do]
environment. Such challenges as swimming all the way out to the raft or
[refining their skills] in a craft or leading a song before lunch give them
opportunities to [work their guts out] and succeed in new ways.

[Connecting], [contributing], and [feeling like a big shot] usually aren’t

focuses of [academic curricula] They can’t be taught through a textbook
or measured by standardized tests. Yet they are at the very heart of
what it takes to be [a biggie] in life.

This is why I [equate] summer vacations with putting [moola] in a pocket

that has a small hole in it. The longer the problem is ignored, the bigger
the problem becomes.

Instead of treating June, July and August [like sacred cows] that can’t be
[messed up] by [academics], [doctor] the school schedule so that
vacation days are evenly [dished out].
Mary Brown, a past member of the board of directors of the American
Academy of Pediatrics, writes, “If we stress a connection to [the outdoors
thing] . . . we can lessen the [lifelong effects] of a stressful childhood
including depression, obesity, behavior problems, drug use and [risk-
taking behavior].” Some pediatricians are so impressed by these studies
that they’re [plugging] Vitamin N (for nature).

Nature is no [panacea] , but it offers balance. The more high-tech our

lives become, the more nature we need. Nature-oriented summer camps
should be available for [all our little ankle biters], no matter their parents’
income.

Check Your Understanding

The most common problem with tone is using an informal expression in a jarringly distracting way.
Revising for tone requires a good ear and the ability to hear the tone of the language you are using.
You should be careful that your diction and your use of figurative language indicate the tone that you
want a reader to “hear.”