Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Individuals with this disorder exhibit a lack of ability to empathize with others and an inflated sense of
self-importance.

Definition

The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other
people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-
centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their
own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These
characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts,
such as at work and in relationships.

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to
associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association
enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with
NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them.
Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat, and may
be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an "injury" in the form of criticism or
rejection.

Related Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Paranoid.

Symptoms

Narcissistic personality disorder is indicated by five or more of the following symptoms:

 Exaggerates own importance

 Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence or ideal romance
 Believes he or she is special and can only be understood by other special people or institutions
 Requires constant attention and admiration from others
 Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
 Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals
 Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
 Is often envious of others or believes other people are envious of him or her
 Shows arrogant behaviors and attitudes

50 to 75 percent of the people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are male. Additionally, it
is common for many adolescents to display the characteristics listed above; this does not indicate that
they will later develop narcissistic personality disorder.

Causes

Causes of narcissistic personality disorder are not yet well-understood. Genetic and biological factors
as well as environment and early life experiences are all thought to play a role in the development of
this condition.

Treatments

Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging because people with this condition
present with a great deal of grandiosity and defensiveness, which makes it difficult for them to
acknowledge problems and vulnerabilities. Individual and group psychotherapy may be useful in
helping people with narcissistic personality disorder relate to others in a healthier and more
compassionate way. Mentalization-based therapy, transference-focused psychotherapy, and schema-
focused psychotherapy have all been suggested as effective ways of treating narcissistic personality
disorder.
References

 American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,

Fourth Edition, Revised.
 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition
 Center for Substance Abuse Treatment. Assessment and Treatment of Patients with
Coexisting Mental Illness and Alcohol and Other Drug Abuse. Treatment Improvement
Protocol (TIP) Series, No.9.
 National Institutes of Health - National Library of Medicine
 Caligor, E., Levy, K. N., & Yeomans, F. E. (2015). Narcissistic personality disorder:
diagnostic and clinical challenges. American Journal of Psychiatry, 172(5), 415-422.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder

Inside the Mind of a Narcissist

Knowing how the narcissist thinks can help you understand toxic individuals.

Posted Sep 01, 2017

We often hear the term “narcissist,” but in reality, what does that mean? Does it merely describe
someone who likes to be the center of attention, or likes the way he or she looks? Or is there more to
it? The psychiatric literature defines narcissists as possessing specific traits, such as having a sense of
entitlement or requiring excessive admiration. But what are narcissistic individuals really like on a day-
to-day basis?

Anyone who has lived with or worked for a narcissist will tell you: Narcissists view themselves
entirely differently — i.e., preferentially — compared to others, making those around them less valued.
And there’s the rub: Everything must be about the narcissist. We don’t mind that a 2-year-old needs
constant attention. That’s appropriate for the developmental stage of a 2-year-old. But we do mind
when a 40-year–old needs that level of appreciation — and when achieving it comes at our expense.

Narcissists victimize those around them just by just being who they are, and they won’t change. That
statement may seem extreme, until you listen to the stories of those who have been victimized by a
narcissist. Then you realize just how toxic relationships with these individuals can be.

Work for a narcissistic boss, and he or she can make you physically or psychologically ill. Live with
one, and it could be worse. In researching my book, Dangerous Personalities, I talked to scores of
individuals who have been victimized by the narcissistic personality. Listening to story after story of
stolen childhoods, destructive marriages, and burdensome relationships, I heard the same refrain:
Narcissists see themselves as being so special that no one else matters. No one. Over time, the
behavior resulting from their defining pathological traits will cast a wide debris field of suffering.

I have learned from the victims lessons that no medical book can teach, and they are lessons for all of
us.

How Narcissists See Themselves

1. I love myself, and I know you do, too. In fact, everyone does. I can’t imagine anyone who doesn’t.

2. I have no need to apologize. You, however, must understand, accept, and tolerate me no matter
what I do or say.

3. I have few equals in this world, and so far, I have yet to meet one. I am the best _______
(manager, businessman, lover, student, etc.).
4. Most people don’t measure up. Without me to lead, others would flounder.

5. I appreciate that there are rules and obligations, but those apply mostly to you, because I don’t
have the time or the inclination to abide by them. Besides, rules are for the average person, and I am
far above average.

6. I hope you appreciate all that I am and everything that I have achieved for you — because I
am wonderful and faultless.

7. I do wish we could be equals, but we are not and never will be. I will remind you with
unapologetic frequency that I am the smartest person in the room and how well I did in school, in
business, as a parent, etc. — and you must be grateful.

8. I may seem arrogant and haughty, and that’s OK with me; I just don’t want to be seen as
being like you.

9. I expect you to be loyal to me at all times, no matter what I do. However, don’t expect me to be
loyal to you in any way.

10. I will criticize you, and expect you to accept it, but if you criticize me, especially in public, I
will come at you with rage. One more thing: I will never forget or forgive, and I will pay you back
one way or another — I am a “wound collector.”

11. I expect you to be interested in what I have achieved and what I have to say. I, on the other
hand, am not at all interested in you or what you have achieved, so don’t expect much curiosity or
interest from me about your life. I just don’t care.

12. I am not manipulative; I just like to have things done my way, no matter how much it
inconveniences others, or how it makes them feel. I don’t care how others feel — feelings are for the
weak.

13. I expect gratitude at all times, for even the smallest things I do. As for you, I expect you to do
as I ask.

14. I only associate with the best people, and frankly, most of your friends don’t measure up.

15. If you would just do what I say, things would be better.

As you can imagine, it is not easy living with or working with someone who thinks or behaves this
way. The experience of those who have done so teaches us the following (and if you remember nothing
else from this post, remember this): Narcissists overvalue themselves and devalue others, and that
means you. You will never be treated as an equal, you will never be respected, and you will in time be
devalued out of necessity, so that they can overvalue themselves.

Tolerating the Narcissistic Personality

Knowing the traits of the narcissistic personality and how narcissists view themselves is useful, but so
is knowing what can happen when you associate with them. Some, like children, close relatives, or the
elderly, may not have a choice. In those cases, it is up to friends, relatives, teachers, coaches,
associates, and co-workers to support them as best we can.

And there are those who choose to stick it out, because of finances, circumstances, or because they are
in a complicated relationship or marriage. To them I say, beware: You will pay a price. I say this from
experience and from talking to many victims. Those who choose to live with or work with a narcissistic
personality must be prepared to accept the following:
1. Accept that you are not equals, because narcissists feel that they have no equals.

2. Those feelings of insecurity, dismay, disbelief, or incongruity you are experiencing are real and
will continue.

3. Because narcissists overvalue themselves, you will be devalued. Gird yourself to be repeatedly
degraded.

4. You will be talked to and treated in ways you never imagined, and be expected to tolerate it.

5. The narcissist’s needs, wants, and desires come first — no matter how inconvenient to you.

6. Be prepared for them to turn on you with indifference at a moment’s notice, as if any past
positive interactions did not matter. You may question your own sanity as they turn on you, but that
has become your reality.

7. When narcissists are nice, they can be very nice; but if you still feel insecure, that is because it
is a performance, not a true sentiment. Niceness is a tool for social survival — a means to get what
they want, like needing a hammer to hang a picture.

8. You will lap up the narcissist’s kindnesses, because they don’t come often. But niceness for the
narcissist is perfunctory — merely utilitarian.

9. Be prepared for when the narcissist lashes out not just with anger, but with rage. You will feel
attacked, and your sense of dignity violated.

10. Morality, ethics, and kindness are just words — narcissists master these for practicality's
sake, not for propriety.

11. Narcissists lie without concern for the truth, because lies are useful for controlling and
manipulating others. When you catch them in a lie, they will say that it is you who is lying or wrong,
or that you misunderstood. Prepare to be attacked and to receive counter-allegations.

12. If it seems that they can only talk about themselves, even at the oddest of times, it is not your
imagination. Narcissists can only talk about what they value most — themselves. That is their nature.

13. Narcissists will associate with individuals you would not trust to park your car, because they
attract those who see narcissism as something to value (e.g., the power-hungry, the unscrupulous,
profiteers, opportunists, and social predators).

14. Never expect the narcissist to admit to a mistake or apologize. Blame is always directed
outward, never inward. Narcissists have no concept of self-awareness or introspection. But they are
quick to see faults in others.

15. They expect you to forgive and forget and, above all, never to challenge them in public. You
must remember that they always want to be perfect in public. Don’t embarrass them or contradict them,
or you will pay a price.

16. Get used to losing sleep, feeling anxious, restless, less in control, becoming increasingly
worried, perhaps even developing psychosomatic ailments. Those insecurities are your
subconscious talking to you, telling you to escape.

17. Lacking both interest and true empathy in and for you, narcissists absolve themselves of that
pesky social burden to care, leaving you deprived, empty, frustrated, or in pain.

18. They will be unwilling to acknowledge the smallest thing that matters to you. In doing so, they
devalue you, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and empty.
19. You will learn to deal with their indifference, in one of two ways. You will work harder to get
their attention — with little reward to you, because it won’t matter to the narcissist — or you will
become resigned and empty psychologically, because narcissists drain you, one indignity at a time.

20. You will be expected to be their cheerleader at all times, even when it is you who needs
encouragement the most.

This is the unvarnished truth about how narcissists see themselves, how they will behave, and how they
can make you feel. I wish it were a better picture, but survivors of these personalities will tell you that
it is that bad, and that toxic. As Stuart C. Yudofsky explains in his book Fatal Flaws, the truly
narcissistic personality is “severely flawed of character.”

You might be asking, “What can I do?” Conventional wisdom advises seeing a trained professional for
guidance. That is wise, but not always available. In my experience, the only one solution that works is
to distance yourself from the individual as soon as you recognize them for what they are, and as soon
as it is practical. As your psychic wounds heal, you will see your life improve and feel your dignity
restored. As painful as distancing yourself may be, it is often the only way to make the hurting stop and
to restore your well-being.

To see the full checklist of the traits of the narcissistic personality, or of the social predator, please
consult Dangerous Personalities by Joe Navarro with Toni Sciarra Poynter (Rodale, 2014).

Joe Navarro, M.A., is a 25-year veteran of the FBI and the author of the international bestseller, What
Every Body is Saying, as well as Louder Than Words and Dangerous Personalities. For additional
information and a free bibliography, please contact him through Psychology Today or at
www.jnforensics.com. Joe can be found on Twitter: @navarrotells or on Facebook. Copyright ©
2017, Joe Navarro. Joe's latest book is Three Minutes to Doomsday.

Joe Navarro is a former FBI Counterintelligence Agent and is the author of What Every Body is
Saying. He is an expert on nonverbal communications and body language.

In Print:
Dangerous Personalities: An FBI Profiler Shows You How to Identify and Protect Yourself from
Harmful People

14 Signs You're Dealing With A Narcissist

When it comes to determining whether someone you know is a narcissist, most people make it more
complicated than it needs to be. I use the duck test—that is, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a
duck, it probably is a duck. There are no physical blood tests, MRIs, or exact determinations that can
identify narcissism. Even therapists have to go on their observations of the behavior, attitudes, and
reactions that a person presents to determine narcissism.

What makes it simple is the fact that we know exactly what a narcissist looks like. Below, I've listed all
the symptoms and behaviors you should look for. Keep in mind that not all of these have to be present
to make a determination of narcissism. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which
therapists use as a guide, a person needs to exhibit only 55 percent of the identified characteristics to be
considered narcissistic. The list I've made here is descriptive, so you can get a more in-depth picture of
a narcissist’s common behaviors.

1. Superiority and entitlement

The world of the narcissist is all about good/bad, superior/inferior, and right/wrong. There is a definite
hierarchy, with the narcissist at the top—which is the only place he feels safe. Narcissists have to be
the best, the most right, and the most competent; do everything their way; own everything; and control
everyone. Interestingly enough, narcissists can also get that superior feeling by being the worst; the
most wrong; or the most ill, upset, or injured for a period of time. Then they feel entitled to receive
soothing concern and recompense and even the right to hurt you or demand apologies to “make things
even.”

2. Exaggerated need for attention and validation

Narcissists need constant attention—even following you around the house, asking you to find things, or
constantly saying something to grab your attention. Validation for a narcissist counts only if it comes
from others. Even then, it doesn’t count for much. A narcissist’s need for validation is like a funnel.
You pour in positive, supportive words, and they just flow out the other end and are gone. No matter
how much you tell narcissists you love them, admire them, or approve of them, they never feel it’s
enough—because deep down they don’t believe anyone can love them. Despite all their self-absorbed,
grandiose bragging, narcissists are actually very insecure and fearful of not measuring up. They
constantly try to elicit praise and approval from others to shore up their fragile egos, but no matter how
much they’re given, they always want more.

3. Perfectionism

Narcissists have an extremely high need for everything to be perfect. They believe they should be
perfect, you should be perfect, events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out
precisely as they envision it. This is an excruciatingly impossible demand, which results in the
narcissist feeling dissatisfied and miserable much of the time. The demand for perfection leads the
narcissist to complain and be constantly dissatisfied.

4. Great need for control

Since narcissists are continually disappointed with the imperfect way life unfolds, they want to do as
much as possible to control it and mold it to their liking. They want and demand to be in control, and
their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they should be in control—of everything.
Narcissists always have a story line in mind about what each “character” in their interaction should be
saying and doing. When you don’t behave as expected, they become quite upset and unsettled. They
don’t know what to expect next, because you’re off script. They demand that you say and do exactly
what they have in mind so they can reach their desired conclusion. You are a character in their internal
play, not a real person with your own thoughts and feelings.

5. Lack of responsibility—blaming and deflecting

Although narcissists want to be in control, they never want to be responsible for the results—unless, of
course, everything goes exactly their way and their desired result occurs. When things don’t go
according to their plan or they feel criticized or less than perfect, the narcissist places all the blame and
responsibility on you. It has to be someone else’s fault. Sometimes that blame is generalized—all
police, all bosses, all teachers, all Democrats, and so on. At other times the narcissist picks a particular
person or rule to blame—his mother, the judge, or laws that limit what he wants to do. Most often,
however, the narcissist blames the one person who is the most emotionally close, most attached, loyal,
and loving in his life—you. To maintain the façade of perfection, narcissists always have to blame
someone or something else. You are the safest person to blame, because you are least likely to leave or
reject him.

6. Lack of boundaries

Narcissists can’t accurately see where they end and you begin. They are a lot like 2-year-olds. They
believe that everything belongs to them, everyone thinks and feels the same as they do, and everyone
wants the same things they do. They are shocked and highly insulted to be told no. If a narcissist wants
something from you, he’ll go to great lengths to figure out how to get it through persistence, cajoling,
demanding, rejecting, or pouting.

7. Lack of empathy
Narcissists have very little ability to empathize with others. They tend to be selfish and self-involved
and are usually unable to understand what other people are feeling. Narcissists expect others to think
and feel the same as they do and seldom give any thought to how others feel. They are also rarely
apologetic, remorseful, or guilty.

But narcissists are highly attuned to perceived threats, anger, and rejection from others. At the same
time, they are nearly blind to the other feelings of the people around them. They frequently misread
subtle facial expressions and are typically biased toward interpreting facial expressions as negative.
Unless you are acting out your emotions dramatically, the narcissist won’t accurately perceive what
you’re feeling. Even saying “I’m sorry” or “I love you” when the narcissist is on edge and angry can
backfire. He won’t believe you and may even misperceive your comment as an attack.

In addition, if your words and expressions aren’t congruent, the narcissist will likely respond
erroneously. This is why narcissists often misinterpret sarcasm as actual agreement or joking from
others as a personal attack. Their lack of ability to correctly read body language is one reason
narcissists are deficiently empathetic to your feelings. They don’t see them, they don’t interpret them
correctly, and overall they don’t believe you feel any differently than they do.

Narcissists also lack an understanding about the nature of feelings. They don’t understand how their
feelings occur. They think their feelings are caused by someone or something outside of themselves.
They don’t realize that their feelings are caused by their own biochemistry, thoughts, and
interpretations. In a nutshell, narcissists always think you cause their feelings—especially the negative
ones. They conclude that because you didn’t follow their plan or because you made them feel
vulnerable, you are to blame.

This lack of empathy makes true relationships and emotional connection with narcissists difficult or
impossible. They just don’t notice what anyone else is feeling.

8. Emotional reasoning

You’ve probably made the mistake of trying to reason and use logic with the narcissist to get him to
understand the painful effect his behaviors have on you. You think that if he understands how much his
behavior hurt you, he’ll change. Your explanations, however, don’t make sense to the narcissist, who
only seems able to be aware of his own thoughts and feelings. Although narcissists may say they
understand, they honestly don’t.

Therefore, narcissists make most of their decisions based on how they feel about something. They
simply must have that red sports car, based entirely on how they feel driving it, not by whether it is a
good choice to make for the family or for the budget. If they’re bored or depressed, they want to move
or end the relationship or start a new business. They always look to something or someone outside
themselves to solve their feelings and needs. They expect you to go along with their “solutions,” and
they react with irritation and resentment if you don’t.

9. Splitting

The narcissist’s personality is split into good and bad parts, and they also split everything in their
relationships into good and bad. Any negative thoughts or behaviors are blamed on you or others,
whereas they take credit for everything that is positive and good. They deny their negative words and
actions while continually accusing you of disapproving.

They also remember things as completely good and wonderful or as bad and horrible. They can’t seem
to mix these two constructs:

Marty labeled the whole vacation ruined and the worst ever because the hotel room didn’t meet his
expectations and the weather wasn’t perfect. Bob was blamed for 20 years because he wasn’t there
when his wife had their first child even though he was stranded in Chicago in a snowstorm. Marie’s
husband dismissed her concerns about the $30,000 cost for the new landscaping because he loved it.
Narcissists aren’t able to see, feel, or remember both the positive and the negative in a situation. They
can deal with only one perspective at a time—theirs.

10. Fear

The narcissist’s entire life is motivated and energized by fear. Most narcissists’ fears are deeply buried
and repressed. They’re constantly afraid of being ridiculed, rejected, or wrong. They may have fears
about germs, about losing all their money, about being emotionally or physically attacked, about being
seen as bad or inadequate, or about being abandoned. This makes it difficult and sometimes impossible
for the narcissist to trust anyone else.

In fact, the closer your relationship becomes, the less he will trust you. Narcissists fear any true
intimacy or vulnerability because they’re afraid you’ll see their imperfections and judge or reject them.
No amount of reassurance seems to make a difference, because narcissists deeply hate and reject their
own shameful imperfections. Narcissists never seem to develop trust in the love of others, and they
continually test you with worse and worse behaviors to try to find your breaking point. Their gripping
fear of being “found out” or abandoned never seems to dissipate.

11. Anxiety

Anxiety is an ongoing, vague feeling that something bad is happening or about to happen. Some
narcissists show their anxiety by talking constantly about the doom that is about to happen, while some
hide and repress their anxiety. But most narcissists project their anxiety onto their closest loved ones,
accusing them of being negative, unsupportive, mentally ill, not putting them first, not responding to
their needs, or being selfish. All this is designed to transfer anxiety to the loved one in an attempt to not
feel it themselves. As you feel worse and worse, the narcissist feels better and better. In fact he feels
stronger and more superior as you feel your anxiety and depression grow.

12. Shame

Narcissists don’t feel much guilt because they think they are always right, and they don’t believe their
behaviors really affect anyone else. But they harbor a lot of shame. Shame is the belief that there is
something deeply and permanently wrong or bad about who you are. Buried in a deeply repressed part
of the narcissist are all the insecurities, fears, and rejected traits that he is constantly on guard to hide
from everyone, including himself. The narcissist is acutely ashamed of all these rejected thoughts and
feelings. For example, I had one narcissistic client who was into skydiving and other intense risk-
taking behaviors tell me that he never felt fear. “Fear,” he said, “was evil.” He was clearly on a crusade
to defeat it.

Keeping his vulnerabilities hidden is essential to the narcissist’s pretend self-esteem or false self.
Ultimately, however, this makes it impossible for them to be completely real and transparent.

13. An inability to be truly vulnerable

Because of their inability to understand feelings, their lack of empathy, and constant need for self-
protection, narcissists can’t truly love or connect emotionally with other people. They cannot look at
the world from anyone else’s perspective. They’re essentially emotionally blind and alone. This makes
them emotionally needy. When one relationship is no longer satisfying, they often overlap relationships
or start a new one as soon as possible. They desperately want someone to feel their pain, to sympathize
with them, and make everything just as they want it to be. But they have little ability to respond to your
pain or fear or even your day-to-day need for care and sympathy.

14. An inability to communicate or work as part of a team

Thoughtful, cooperative behaviors require a real understanding of each other’s feelings. How will the
other person feel? Will this action make both of us happy? How will this affect our relationship? These
are questions that narcissists don’t have the capacity or the motivation to think about. Don’t expect the
narcissist to understand your feelings, give in, or give up anything he wants for your benefit; it’s
useless.

-Dr. Margalis Fjelstad

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/14-signs-of-narcissism

Narcissist or Charismatic Leader: How to Spot the Difference

Is a charismatic leader just a narcissist by another name?

Most of us have a pretty clear understanding of how a narcissistic individual behaves. They are often
highly obsessed with how they are perceived by others and feel entitled to the admiration and respect
of the people with whom they interact.

Narcissism is an interesting construct as it is built around an individual’s self-held belief in his or her
own elite status. Narcissists do not consciously doubt their superiority to other people and they have no
trouble acknowledging what they believe are their superlative qualities to others.

If there is a front of the line, narcissists have no doubt that this is where they belong. If there’s a better
table, narcissists will scheme to be seated at the place they feel is their due. They don’t feel the need to
“prove” their worth as they have no awareness that others might doubt their worth.

Narcissism assessment instruments measure a wide array of traits that can combine together to yield a
diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However, some of the traits of narcissism are actually
traits that can enhance an individual’s chance of success and rising as a leader. These traits are those
that are often found in the people we might consider “born leaders.”

What is Charisma?

Charisma can be a quality that is notice on multiple levels. Some charismatic individuals radiate a
highly charged, but unforced, sex appeal. Their physical presence and their gaze can create a buzz of
energy in a room and it can be physically felt by those around them. It’s exciting to catch the eye of
someone with charisma as the gaze can charge you up and heighten your senses. Charismatic
individuals draw your attention without even necessarily trying to do so. Charisma also involves a
strong level of self-regard and pride in oneself and one’s ideas. Charismatic individuals believe in
themselves and don’t typically feel the need to try and “force” others to believe in what they have to
offer. Most human beings who have been raised in relatively healthy conditions also have a developed
sense of empathy – the ability to “feel” what another person is feeling. When you’re around
charismatic people, their positive outlooks and sense of self can be virtually contagious via the
empathy pathway. You see their confidence and their commitment to a cause and your positive
response to the charisma-radiating leader inspires your own belief and commitment to the same cause.

What is Narcissism?

Narcissists are preternaturally obsessed with themselves from how they dress to how they look to
where they are standing in a room. A healthy level of narcissism ensures that we present ourselves well
when among others; an unhealthy level of narcissism leads us to focus only on our desires and how we
can achieve them – even if it involves using the people around us. Narcissism includes having an
inflated sense of importance to others as well as experiencing a sense of entitlement. One of the most
ironic aspects of narcissism is that the disorder is often accompanied by a decidedly low level of self-
esteem. Narcissists are driven to present themselves as “bigger and better than real life” by an
unacknowledged fear that they have absolutely nothing to offer others in terms of substance or self.
Narcissists are seldom able to bend many people to their desires for very long – unlike the positive
feelings and emotional charge that you feel when alongside a charismatic leader, the narcissist’s self-
absorption and self-aggrandizement eventually surface for what they are and the false shell of charisma
cracks open and you experience a need to head for the door, not follow her lead.

Charisma meets Narcissism Head-On

One of the qualities that many narcissists are frequently using to their advantage is something termed,
social boldness. This trait coupled with extraversion create the person who lives to be the center of
attention. They develop a certain flair that they wear as easily as any mask and this persona is the
image that draws in admirers and climbers who see the mask, but not the person behind it. Once the
mask slips or cracks in the persona appear, the social confidence is threatened and the narcissist works
harder to keep up the façade. Fortunately, the slippage of the mask can tip off others and the negative
vibes can be strong enough to scatter the flock of sycophants or cast doubt among the narcissist’s
followers.

Charismatic people also have a strong level of social confidence and this is also reflected in their self-
confidence and their belief in their own ideas. The similarities fade, though, when we also note that
charismatic leaders also believe in the worth and value of the people around them. We like to be led by
charismatic leaders because they also make us feel good about ourselves and what we are bringing to
the table. Charisma is the sum of who you are, what you believe about yourself, how you reveal your
passion to others, and the ties that you build to each individual you want to have on board. Narcissists
view others as threats to their own standing and are more likely to steal your idea than support it.
People with true charisma don’t feel the need to constantly seek out validation from others regarding
their worth, but narcissists need praise as much as they need food and water.

The Trick to Knowing the Difference

When it comes right down to it, the clearest way to determine whether you’re being suckered by a
narcissist or inspired by a charismatic force is to ask yourself a couple of questions:

1. Does this person create a sense of purpose around the task or goal at hand?
2. Does this person acknowledge my own strengths and encourage me to grow as a person
or team member?
3. Does this person have to ask for validation or does he offer it to others who are involved
in the project?
4. Lastly, when the leader meets with obstacles or has to re-work a plan, does she lash out
at everyone around her – placing the blame for the failure on others or does she accept
that there may be a better path to success and gather her team around her to work
together to plot a new course?

Narcissists are unable to withstand failure and refuse to take personal responsibility when projects fall
apart. Charismatic leaders don’t like failure any more than the rest of us, but they can respond
constructively while building up the team’s new focus.

Charismatic leaders will take you and your colleagues places you have might never have thought
possible. Their positive energy radiates throughout the room and gets everyone humming – it’s like
“good vibrations” are literally connecting each one of you to one another and the team captain. These
are the leaders who rise head and shoulders above others as they recognize and express appreciation for
the value each member will bring to the team.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/lifetime-connections/201806/narcissist-or-charismatic-
leader-how-spot-the-difference
5 Things You Should Never Say to a Narcissist

Certain phrases are more than likely to trigger a tantrum.

Talking to a narcissist—someone who has an inflated (and immovable) sense of self-worth—is like
tiptoeing through a minefield. Every word you utter has the potential to detonate the conversation into
a full-on argument.

It’s not you. (Really.) People who are narcissistic “are not good at regulating emotions, and do not
manage frustration well,” explains Ramani Durvasula, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and author
of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. “They’re more like 3-year-
olds than adults; they don’t tolerate any strong emotions well.”

And like a tired, cranky 3-year-old, the end result is a massive (and unpleasant) tantrum. “Narcissists
often control people through these tantrums because their rage can be so worrisome or downright
frightening that everyone gives in to them,” says Durvasula.

If you’re trying to keep the peace (or just your own peace of mind), here’s what to never say to a
narcissist.

"I wouldn't have done it that way"

Even if you’re using this as a preface to constructive criticism, a narcissist will only hear that they
didn’t do something right and you could do it better—“and that threatens their sense of self-esteem
twice,” says Durvasula. “Anything that smacks of criticism and also lifts someone else into a positive
light is intolerable to them.”

A less loaded phrase to get your point across: "Let's work together to figure this out."

"You’re wrong"

Narcissists do not do well with head-on confrontation, says Durvasula. And since they’re bullies at
heart, “they’re scrappier and dirtier fighters than most of us,” she warns. This doesn’t mean that you
have to hold your tongue. Instead, try a gentler tack, such as, "I hear you, but I see it a little
differently...."

"What's the matter with you?"

Ask the question as much as you want in your head, but resist the urge to blurt it out. “Narcissists have
fragile self-esteem and never like being viewed as ‘less than,’ even though that’s how they leave
everyone else feeling,” says Durvasula. (And let’s be honest—asking this of anyone will put them on
the defensive.)

To try to figure out what the heck is unfolding in a narcissist’s mind, “choose words that reflect
understanding and a desire to understand how to help them,” Durvasula says. For example: “It sounds
like a lot is going on. Do you want to talk about it?"

"But you never ____"

“But you never saw that movie.” “Uh, you were never at that party, remember?” While it seems
normal, even necessary, to call someone out for spinning the truth, resist the urge to directly accuse a
narcissist of not getting something right—especially when others are around.

“If a narcissist feels that their ‘brand’ is being sullied in public, they’ll get enraged,” explains
Durvasula. Instead, let others privately know that they’re not hearing accurate facts.
"That’s not true"

“Because narcissists are preoccupied with maintaining an inflated sense of self, they’re constantly on
guard against anything that might deflate them,” explains Joseph Burgo, PhD, a psychotherapist and
author of The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-
Me World. “Narcissists don’t care about the truth,” says Burgo. “The only thing that matters to them is
‘winning.’”

Even if you have hard evidence that supports your position and present it in a sensitive and reasonable
manner, a narcissist will take it as a full-on personal attack. “And if you continue arguing your POV,
they will escalate their attacks in an attempt to annihilate you,” says Burgo.

So how should you deal with a narcissist?

No matter how lightly you tread, keep in mind that it won’t make a difference. “Narcissists rarely
change,” says Durvasula. “Narcissism is a lifelong personality trait and generally gets worse with age.”

For your own sanity, distance yourself and manage your expectations. In other words, “stop waiting for
empathy that will never come, for respect they will never offer, for consideration and compromise they
will never bring,” Durvasula says. “We break our hearts and spirits in these relationships because we
keep holding out hope for a ‘someday better.’ It's not coming and you can waste your life, mental
health, and career waiting for it to happen. “

If cutting ties with a narcissist in your life isn’t possible, be clear in your communication, put things in
writing to protect yourself down the road, and “expect that things will still be used against you,” warns
Durvasula.

Then foster other, healthy relationships with friends, family, and co-workers who can support you.