Book Chapters Bovee Kitty Locker PDF

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Learning Objectives
After studying this chapter, you will be able to

“Receiving information in this 1 Explain the importance of adapting your messages to the needs and expectations
form makes us feel hoodwinked, of your audience
inferior, definitely frustrated and 2 Define the “you” attitude and its role in successful communication
angry, and it causes a divide 3 Discuss four ways of achieving a businesslike tone with a style that is clear and
between us and the writer.”1 concise
—From an employee writing to 4 Explain the meaning of plain English and its value in business communication
the Plain English Campaign to
5 Briefly describe how to select words that are not only correct but also effective
complain about the confusing
memos she received at work 6 Explain how sentence style affects emphasis within your message
www.plainenglish.co.uk 7 List five ways to develop coherent paragraphs
8 Identify the most common software features that help you craft messages more
efficiently
The situation described in the quote to the left is all too common in business these days:
murky, confusing messages that do more to anger and alienate than to communicate.
Your success in business will depend to a large degree on how well you can inform and
persuade others—how successful do you think you’ll be if your messages cause reactions
like this? Fortunately, writing effective, audience-focused messages is within the grasp of
every professional who is willing to learn a few basic concepts.
With a solid plan in place (see Chapter 3), you’re ready to choose the words and craft the
sentences and paragraphs that will carry your ideas to their intended audiences. Figure 4.1
lists the tasks involved in adapting to your audience and composing your message.
Adapting to Your Audience

Audiences want to know how your Whether consciously or not, audiences greet most incoming messages with a question:
messages will benefit them. “What’s in this for me?” If your intended audience thinks a message does not apply to
them or doesn’t meet their needs, they’ll be far less inclined to pay attention to it. By
adapting your communication to the needs and expectations of your audiences, you’ll
76 provide a more compelling answer to the “What’s in this for me?” question and improve
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FIGURE 4.1 Step Two in the Three-Step Writing Process: Writing Your Messages
The second step in the three-step writing process includes two vital tasks: adapting to your
audience and composing your message.
Planning Writing Completing

Adapt to Your Audience
Be sensitive to audience needs with a
“you” attitude, politeness, positive
emphasis, and bias-free language. Build
a strong relationship with your audience
by establishing your credibility and
projecting your company’s image.
Control your style with a conversational
tone, plain English, and appropriate
voice.
Compose the Message

Choose strong words that will help you
create effective sentences and coherent
paragraphs.
1 2 3
the chances of your message being successful. To adapt your message to your audience, try
to be sensitive to your audience’s needs, build a strong relationship with your audience,
and control your style to maintain a professional tone.
Being Sensitive to Your Audience’s Needs

In any business message, you can use all the right words and still not be sensitive to your
audience and their needs. To demonstrate true audience sensitivity, adopt the “you” attitude,
maintain good standards of etiquette, emphasize the positive, and use bias-free language.
Using the “You” Attitude

You are already becoming familiar with the audience-centered approach, trying to see a The “you” attitude is best implemented
subject through your audience’s eyes. Now you want to project this approach in your mes- by expressing your message in terms of
the audience’s interests and needs.
sages by adopting a “you” attitude—that is, by speaking and writing in terms of your
audience’s wishes, interests, hopes, and preferences.
On the simplest level, you can adopt the “you” attitude by replacing terms that refer to
yourself and your company with terms that refer to your audience. In other words, use
you and yours instead of I, me, mine, we, us, and ours:
Instead of This Write This
To help us process this order, we must ask So that your order can be filled promptly,
for another copy of the requisition. please send another copy of the
requisition.
We offer MP3 players with 50, 75, or Select your MP3 player from three models
100 gigabytes of storage capacity. with 50, 75, or 100 gigabytes of storage
capacity.
You’ll find that using “you” and “yours” often requires some finesse to avoid creating
awkward sentences or messages that sound like nonstop sales pitches.2 Keep in mind that 77
78 Unit 2: The Three-Step Writing Process
the “you” attitude is not intended to be manipulative or insincere. Nor is the “you” atti-
tude simply a matter of using one pronoun rather than another; it’s a matter of genuine
empathy. You can use you 25 times in a single page and still ignore your audience’s true
concerns. In other words, it’s the thought and sincerity that count, not the pronoun you.
If you’re talking to a retailer, try to think like a retailer; if you’re dealing with a production
supervisor, put yourself in that position; if you’re writing to a dissatisfied customer, imag-
Avoid using you and yours when ine how you would feel at the other end of the transaction.
doing so Be aware that on some occasions it’s better to avoid using you, particularly if doing so will
■ Makes you sound dictatorial sound overly authoritative or accusing. For instance, instead of saying, “You failed to deliver
■ Makes someone else feel guilty
■ Goes against your organization’s the customer’s order on time,” you could minimize ill will by saying, “The customer didn’t
style receive the order on time,” or “Let’s figure out a system that will ensure on-time deliveries.”
Maintaining Standards of Etiquette

Although you may be tempted now and Good etiquette is not only a way to show respect for your audience, it also helps foster a
then to be brutally frank, try to express more successful environment for communication by minimizing negative emotional
the facts in a kind and thoughtful
manner. reaction:
Once again, you’ve managed to bring Let’s review the last website update so that
down the website through your we can find out how to improve the
incompetent programming. process.
You’ve been sitting on our order for two Our production schedules depend on
weeks, and we need it now! timely delivery of parts and supplies, but
we have not yet received the order you
promised to deliver two weeks ago. Please
respond today with a firm delivery
commitment.
Use extra tact when communicating Of course, some situations require more diplomacy than others. If you know your
with people higher up the organization audience well, a less formal approach might be more appropriate. However, when you are
chart or outside the company.
communicating with people who outrank you or with people outside your organization,
an added measure of courtesy is usually needed.
Written communication and most forms of electronic media generally require more
tact than oral communication (Figure 4.2). When you’re speaking, your words are soft-
ened by your tone of voice and facial expression. Plus, you can adjust your approach
according to the feedback you get. If you inadvertently offend someone in writing or in a
podcast, for example, you usually won’t get the immediate feedback you would need to
resolve the situation. In fact, you may never know that you offended your audience.
Emphasizing the Positive

You can communicate negative news Sensitive communicators understand the difference between delivering negative news and
without being negative. being negative. For example, when Alaska Airlines instituted surcharges for heavy luggage
in an attempt to reduce injuries to baggage handlers, the company presented the change
to passengers in a positive light with the message, “Pack Light & Save.”3 Never try to hide
the negative news, but look for positive points that will foster a good relationship with
your audience:4
It is impossible to repair your car today. Your car can be ready by Tuesday. Would
you like a loaner until then?
We wasted $300,000 advertising in Our $300,000 advertising investment did
that magazine. not pay off; let’s analyze the experience and
apply the insights to future campaigns.
4: Writing Business Messages 79
FIGURE 4.2 Fostering a Positive Relationship with an Audience

In the “poor” example, notice how the customer service agent’s unfortunate word choices
immediately derail this instant-messaging exchange. In the “improved” example, a more
sensitive approach allows both people to focus on solving the problem.
Poor
Customer starts with a simple description

of the problem
Agent immediately assumes that the

customer is at fault
Agent’s accusation puts the customer in a

defensive, negative frame of mind
Agent is practically accusing the customer

of lying
The conversation has needlessly degener-
ated into an argument by this point
oved
Impr
Agent expresses sympathy for the

customer’s plight, which
establishes an emotional bond and
encourages more effective
communication
The conversation continues in a

positive mood, with the focus on
solving the problem, not on
blaming the customer
Show your audience how they will If you’re trying to persuade the audience to perform a particular action, point out
benefit from complying with your how doing so will benefit them:
message.
We will notify all three credit reporting Paying your overdue bill within 10 days
agencies if you do not pay your overdue will prevent a negative entry on your
bill within 10 days. credit record.
I am tired of seeing so many errors in the Proofreading your blog postings will help
customer service blog. you avoid embarrassing mistakes that
generate more customer service
complaints.
Try to avoid words with negative In general, try to state your message without using words that might hurt or offend
connotations; use meaningful your audience. Substitute euphemisms (mild terms) for those that have unpleasant conno-
euphemisms instead.
tations. You can be honest without being harsh. Gentle language won’t change the facts,
but it will make them more acceptable:
cheap merchandise economy merchandise

failing underperforming
fake imitation or faux
Be aware that when using euphemisms, you walk a fine line between softening the blow
and hiding the facts. It would be unethical to speak to your community about “relocating
refuse” when you’re really talking about your plans for disposing of toxic waste. People
respond better to an honest message delivered with integrity than they do to a sugar-
coated message filled with empty talk.
Using Bias-Free Language

Avoid biased language that might Bias-free language avoids words and phrases that unfairly and even unethically catego-
offend your audience. rize or stigmatize people in ways related to gender, race, ethnicity, age, or disability.
Contrary to what some might think, biased language is not simply about “labels.” To a sig-
nificant degree, language reflects the way people think and what they believe, and biased
language may well perpetuate the underlying stereotypes and prejudices that it represents.5
Moreover, since communication is all about perception, being fair and objective isn’t
enough; to establish a good relationship with your audience, you must also appear to be
fair.6 Good communicators make every effort to change biased language (see Table 4.1).
Bias can come in a variety of forms:
■ Gender bias. You can avoid sexist language by using the same label for everyone (don’t
call a woman chairperson and then call a man chairman). Reword sentences to use they
or to use no pronoun at all. Vary traditional patterns by sometimes putting women
first (women and men, she and he, her and his). Note that the preferred title for women
in business is Ms., unless the individual asks to be addressed as Miss or Mrs. or has
some other title, such as Dr.
■ Racial and ethnic bias. Avoid identifying people by race or ethnic origin unless such
identification is relevant to the matter at hand—and it rarely is.
■ Age bias. Mention the age of a person only when it is relevant. Moreover, be careful of
the context in which you use words that refer to age; such words carry a variety of pos-
itive and negative connotations. For example, young can imply youthfulness, inexperi-
ence, or even immaturity, depending on how it’s used.
■ Disability bias. No painless label exists for people with a physical, mental, sensory, or
emotional impairment. Avoid mentioning a disability unless it is pertinent. However, if
Table 4.1 Overcoming Bias in Language
Examples Unacceptable Preferable
Gender Bias
Using words containing “man” Man-made Humanity, human beings, human race, people
Mankind Artificial, synthetic, manufactured, constructed
Manpower Workers, workforce
Businessman Executive, manager, businessperson
Salesman Sales representative, salesperson, clerk
Foreman Supervisor
Using female-gender words Actress, stewardess Actor, flight attendant
Using special designations Woman doctor, male nurse Doctor, nurse
Using “he” to refer to “everyone” The average worker . . . he The average worker . . . he or she
Identifying roles with gender The typical executive spends four Most executives spend four hours a day in
hours of his day in meetings. meetings.
the consumer . . . she consumers . . . they
the nurse/teacher . . . she nurses/teachers . . . they
Identifying women by marital status Norm Lindstrom and Maria Norm Lindstrom and Maria Drake
Norm Lindstrom and Ms. Lindstrom Mr. Lindstrom and Ms. Drake
Racial/Ethnic Bias
Assigning stereotypes My African-American assistant speaks My assistant speaks more articulately than I do.
more articulately than I do.
Jim Wong is an unusually tall Asian. Jim Wong is tall.
Identifying people by race or ethnicity Mario M. Cuomo, Italian American Mario M. Cuomo, politician and ex-governor
politician and ex-governor of of New York
New York
Age Bias
Including age when irrelevant Mary Kirazy, 58, has just joined our Mary Kirazy has just joined our trust
trust department. department.
Disability Bias
Putting the disability before the person Crippled workers face many barriers Workers with physical disabilities face many
on the job. barriers on the job.
An epileptic, Tracy has no trouble Tracy’s epilepsy has no effect on her job
doing her job. performance.
you must refer to someone’s disability, avoid terms such as handicapped, crippled, or
retarded. Put the person first and the disability second.7
Building Strong Relationships with Your Audience

Focusing on your audience’s needs is vital to effective communication, but you must also
attend to your own priorities as a communicator. You can address your own needs while
building a positive relationship by establishing your credibility and projecting your com-
pany’s image.
Establishing Your Credibility

Your audience’s response to every message you send depends heavily on their perception People are more likely to react
of your credibility, a measure of your believability based on how reliable you are and how positively to your message when they
have confidence in you.
much trust you evoke in others. Whether you’re working to build credibility with a new
audience, to maintain credibility with an existing audience—or to restore credibility after

a mistake—emphasize the following:
To enhance your credibility, emphasize ■ Honesty. Demonstrating honesty and integrity will earn you the respect of your audi-
such factors as honesty, objectivity, ences, even if they don’t always agree with or welcome your messages.
and awareness of audience needs.
■ Objectivity. Show that you can distance yourself from emotional situations and look
at all sides of an issue.
■ Awareness of audience needs. Let your audience know that you understand what’s
important to them.
■ Credentials, knowledge, and expertise. Audiences need to know that you have what-
ever it takes to back up your message, whether it’s education, professional certification,
special training, past successes, or simply the fact that you’ve done your research.
■ Endorsements. If your audience doesn’t know anything about you, try to get assistance
from someone they do know and trust.
■ Performance. Demonstrating impressive communication skills is not enough; people
need to know they can count on you to get the job done.
■ Confidence. Audiences also need to know that you believe in yourself and your mes-
sage. If you are convinced that your message is sound, you can state your case confi-
dently, without sounding boastful or arrogant.
■ Communication style. Support your points with evidence, not empty terms such as
amazing, incredible, or extraordinary.
■ Sincerity. When you offer praise, don’t use hyperbole, such as “you are the most fan-
tastic employee I could ever imagine.” Instead, point out specific qualities that warrant
praise.
Finally, keep in mind that credibility can take days, months, even years to establish—
and it can be wiped out in an instant. An occasional mistake or letdown is usually for-
given, but major lapses in honesty or integrity can destroy your reputation. On the other
hand, when you do establish credibility, communication becomes much easier because
you no longer have to spend time and energy convincing people that you are a trustwor-
thy source of information and ideas.
Projecting the Company’s Image

Your company’s interests and When you communicate with outsiders, on even the most routine matter, you serve as the
reputation take precedence over your spokesperson for your organization. The impression you make can enhance or damage
personal communication style.
the reputation of the entire company. Thus, your own views and personality must be sub-
ordinated, at least to some extent, to the interests and style of your company.
Many organizations have specific communication guidelines that show everything
from the correct use of the company name to preferred abbreviations and other gram-
matical details. Specifying a desired style of communication is more difficult, however.
Observe more experienced colleagues to see how they communicate, and never hesitate to
ask for editorial help to make sure you’re conveying the appropriate tone. For instance,
Improve This Letter
To practice correcting drafts of actual documents, visit your online course or the access-
code-protected portion of the Companion Website. Click “Document Makeovers,” then click
Chapter 4. You will find a letter that contains problems and errors relating to what you’ve
learned in this chapter about writing business messages. Use the Final Draft decision tool to
create an improved version of this letter. Check the message for appropriate choice of
approach, a conversational tone, correct use of active voice, and logical paragraphs.
with clients entrusting thousands or millions of dollars to it, an investment firm commu-
nicates in a style quite different from that of a clothing retailer. And a clothing retailer
specializing in high-quality business attire communicates in a style different from that of
a store catering to the latest trends in casual wear.
Controlling Your Style and Tone

Style is the way you use words to achieve a certain tone, or overall impression. You can
vary your style—your sentence structure and vocabulary—to sound forceful or objective,
personal or formal, colorful or dry. The right choice depends on the nature of your mes-
sage and your relationship with the reader.
Using a Conversational Tone

The tone of your business messages can range from informal to conversational to formal. Most business messages aim for a
If you’re in a large organization and you’re communicating with your superiors or with conversational style that is warm but
still businesslike.
customers, your tone would tend to be more formal and respectful.8 However, that formal
tone might sound distant and cold if used with close colleagues.
Compare the three versions of the letter in Table 4.2. The first is too formal and stuffy
for today’s audiences, whereas the third is too casual for any audience other than close
associates or friends. The second message demonstrates the conversational tone used in
most business communication—using plain language that sounds businesslike without
being stuffy or full of jargon. You can achieve a conversational tone in your messages by
following these guidelines:
■ Avoid obsolete and pompous language. Most companies now shy away from such
dated phrases as “attached please find” and “please be advised that.” Similarly, avoid
Table 4.2 Formal, Conversational, and Informal Tones
Formal Tone Conversational Tone Informal Tone
Reserved for the most formal occasions Preferred for most business Reserved for communication with
Dear Ms. Navarro: communication friends and close associates
Dear Ms. Navarro: Hi Gabriella:
Enclosed please find the information that
was requested during our telephone Here’s the information you requested Hope all is well. Just sending along the
communication of May 14. As was during our phone conversation on Friday. information you asked for. As I said on
mentioned at that time, Midville Hospital As I mentioned, Midville Hospital has the Friday, Midville Hospital has more and
has significantly more doctors of best doctors and more of them than any better doctors than any other hospital in
exceptional quality than any other health other hospital in the state. the state.
facility in the state. In addition, we have a vast network of We also have a large group of doctors
As you were also informed, our doctors and other health professionals and other health professionals with
organization has quite an impressive with offices throughout the state. If you offices close to you at work or at home.
network of doctors and other health-care need a specialist, they can refer you to Need a specialist? They’ll refer you to the
professionals with offices located the right one. right one.
throughout the state. In the event that If you would like more information, Just give me a ring if you want to know
you should need a specialist, our please call any time between 9:00 and more. Any time from 9:00 to 5:00 should
professionals will be able to make an 5:00, Monday through Friday. be fine.
appropriate recommendation.
Sincerely, Take care,
In the event that you have questions or
would like additional information, you Samuel G. Berenz Sam
may certainly contact me during regular
business hours.
Most sincerely yours,
Samuel G. Berenz
using obscure words, trite expressions, and overly complicated sentences to impress
others.
■ Avoid preaching and bragging. Few things are more irritating than people who think
that they know everything and that others know nothing. If you do need to remind
your audience of something obvious, try to work in the information casually, perhaps
in the middle of a paragraph, where it will sound like a secondary comment rather
than a major revelation. Also, avoid bragging about your accomplishments or those of
your organization (unless your audience is a part of your organization).
■ Be careful with intimacy. Business messages should generally avoid intimacy, such as
sharing personal details or adopting a casual, unprofessional tone. However, when you
do have a close relationship with your audience, such as among the members of a
close-knit team, a more intimate tone is sometimes appropriate and even expected.
■ Be careful with humor. Never use humor in formal messages or when you’re commu-
nicating across cultural boundaries. Humor can easily backfire and divert attention
from your message. If you don’t know your audience well or you’re not skilled at using
humor in a business setting, don’t use it at all.
Using Plain English

What do you think this sentence is trying to say?
We continually exist to synergistically supply value-added deliverables such

that we may continue to proactively maintain enterprise-wide data to stay
competitive in tomorrow’s world.9
If you don’t have any idea what it means, you’re not alone. However, this is a real sen-
tence from a real company. This sort of incomprehensible, buzzword-filled writing is driving
a widespread call to use plain English.
Audiences can understand and act on Plain English is a way of presenting information in a simple, unadorned style so that
plain English without reading it over your audience can easily grasp your meaning—language “that the intended audience can
and over.
read, understand and act upon the first time they read it.”10 You can see how this defini-
tion supports using the “you” attitude and shows respect for your audience. Murky,
pompous, or unnecessarily complex writing is the very antithesis of the “you” attitude.
For all its advantages, be aware that plain English does have some limitations. For
instance, it sometimes lacks the precision or subtlety necessary for scientific research,
engineering documents, intense feeling, and personal insight.
Selecting Active or Passive Voice

Your choice of active or passive voice also affects the tone of your message. You are
using active voice when the subject performs the action, and the object receives the
action: “John rented the office.” You’re using passive voice when the subject receives
the action: “The office was rented by John.” As you can see, the passive voice combines the
helping verb to be with a form of the verb that is usually similar to the past tense.
Active sentences are usually stronger Using the active voice helps make your writing more direct, livelier, and easier to read
than passive ones. (see Table 4.3). Passive voice is not wrong grammatically, but it can be cumbersome,
lengthy, and vague. In most cases, the active voice is your best choice.11 Nevertheless,
using the passive voice can help you demonstrate the “you” attitude in some situations:
Use passive sentences to soften ■ When you want to be diplomatic about pointing out a problem or error of some kind
bad news, to put yourself in the ■ When you want to point out what’s being done without taking or attributing either the
background, or to create an
impersonal tone. credit or the blame
■ When you want to avoid personal pronouns (I and we) in order to create an objective
tone
The second half of Table 4.3 illustrates several situations in which the passive voice helps
you focus your message on your audience.
Table 4.3 Choosing Active or Passive Voice
In general, avoid passive voice in order to make your writing lively and direct
Dull and Indirect in Passive Voice Lively and Direct in Active Voice
The new procedure was developed by the operations team. The operations team developed the new procedure.
Legal problems are created by this contract. This contract creates legal problems.
Reception preparations have been undertaken by our PR Our PR people have begun planning a reception for the new
people for the new CEO’s arrival. CEO.
However, passive voice is helpful when you need to be diplomatic or want to focus attention on problems
or solutions rather than on people
Accusatory or Self-Congratulatory in Active Voice More Diplomatic in Passive Voice
You lost the shipment. The shipment was lost.
I recruited seven engineers last month. Seven engineers were recruited last month.
We are investigating the high rate of failures on the final The high rate of failures on the final assembly line is being
assembly line. investigated.
Composing Your Message

With these insights into how you can adapt to your audience, you’re ready to begin com-
posing your message. As you compose your first draft, try to let your creativity flow. Don’t
try to draft and edit at the same time or worry about getting everything perfect. Make up
words if you can’t think of the right word, draw pictures, talk out loud—do whatever it
takes to get the ideas out of your head and onto your computer screen or a piece of paper.
You’ll have time to revise and refine the material later.
The most successful messages have three important elements: strong words, effective
sentences, and coherent paragraphs.
Choosing Strong Words

Effective messages depend on carefully chosen words, whether you select them during Correctness is the first consideration
your first draft or edit them in later.12 First, pay close attention to correctness. If you make when choosing words.
grammatical or usage errors, you lose credibility with your audience—even if your mes-
sage is otherwise correct. Poor grammar implies that you’re uninformed, and audiences
put less faith in an uninformed source. Worse still, poor grammar can imply that you
don’t respect your audience enough to get things right. If you have doubts about what is
correct, look up the answer, and use the proper form of expression. Check the “Handbook
of Grammar, Mechanics, and Usage” at the end of this book, or consult the many special
reference books and resources available in libraries, in bookstores, and on the Internet.
Just as important as selecting the correct word is selecting the most suitable word for Effectiveness is the second
the job at hand. Naturally, using the right words is important in life-and-death situations. consideration when choosing words.
But even when you’re dealing with less perilous circumstances, the right words can dra-
matically affect the success of your communication efforts. Compare these two sentences:
Talk Energy is a network of homeowners, engineers, architects, and designers
[who] are interested in energy efficiency and renewable energy.13
Talk Energy is a group of homeowners, engineers, architects, and designers
[who] are interested in energy efficiency and renewable energy.
Both sentences are correct, but the word network in the first sentence does a much better
job of conveying the notion of being connected and mutually supportive than group in
the second sentence. Moreover, even though “network” is a noun here, it suggests action
and energy because the very essence of networking is making connections, whereas
“group” is a much more static concept.
Balancing Abstract and Concrete Words

The more abstract a word is, the more Words vary dramatically in the degree of abstraction or concreteness they convey. An
it is removed from the tangible, abstract word expresses a concept, quality, or characteristic. Abstractions are usually
objective world of things that can be
perceived with the senses. broad, encompassing a category of ideas, and they are often intellectual, academic, or
philosophical. Love, honor, progress, tradition, and beauty are abstractions, as are such
important business concepts as productivity, profits, quality, and motivation. In contrast, a
concrete word stands for something you can touch, see, or visualize. Most concrete terms
are anchored in the tangible, material world. Chair, table, horse, rose, kick, kiss, red, green,
and two are concrete words; they are direct, clear, and exact. Incidentally, technology con-
tinues to generate new words and new meanings that describe things that don’t have a
physical presence but are nonetheless concrete: software, database, signal, and code are all
concrete terms as well.
As you can imagine, abstractions tend to cause more trouble for writers and readers
than concrete words. Abstractions tend to be “fuzzy” and subject to more than one inter-
pretation. The best way to minimize such problems is to blend abstract terms with con-
crete ones, the general with the specific. State the concept, then pin it down with details
expressed in more concrete terms. Save the abstractions for ideas that cannot be expressed
any other way. In addition, abstract words such as small, numerous, sizable, near, soon,
good, and fine are imprecise, so try to replace them with terms that are more accurate.
Instead of referring to a sizable loss, talk about a loss of $32 million.
Finding Words That Communicate

When you compose your business messages, think carefully to find the words that com-
municate exactly what you want to say (see Table 4.4).
Try to use words that are powerful and ■ Choose powerful words. Choose words that express your thoughts most clearly,
familiar. specifically, and dynamically. For instance, if find yourself using many adjectives and
Table 4.4 Finding Words That Communicate with Power
Avoid Weak Phrases Use Strong Terms

Wealthy businessperson Tycoon
Business prosperity Economic Boom
Hard times Slump
Avoid Unfamiliar Words Use Familiar Words
Ascertain Find out, learn
Consummate Close, bring about
Peruse Read, study
Circumvent Avoid
Increment Growth, increase
Unequivocal Certain
Avoid Clichés and Buzzwords Use Plain Language
An uphill battle A challenge
Writing on the wall Prediction
Call the shots Be in charge
Take by storm Attack
Cost an arm and a leg Expensive
A new ballgame Fresh start
Fall through the cracks Be overlooked
Think outside the box Be creative
adverbs, chances are you’re trying to compensate for weak nouns and verbs. Saying
that sales plummeted is stronger and more efficient than saying sales dropped dramati-
cally or sales experienced a dramatic drop.
■ Choose familiar words. You’ll communicate best with words that are familiar to both
you and your readers.
■ Avoid clichés and buzzwords. Although familiar words are generally the best choice, Avoid clichés and trendy buzzwords in
beware of clichés—terms and phrases so common that they have lost some of their power your writing, and use jargon only when
your audience is completely familiar
to communicate—and buzzwords—trendy new terms often quickly fall out of style. with it.
When people use these terms frequently, it’s often a sign that they don’t know how to
express themselves otherwise and don’t invest the energy required for original writing.14
■ Use jargon carefully. Handle technical or professional terms with care. Using them
with the wrong audience can confuse and frustrate readers, but not using them with
audiences that routinely communicate using such terms can label you as inexperienced
or unaware.
Creating Effective Sentences

Making every sentence count is a key step in creating effective messages. Start by selecting
the optimum type of sentence, then arrange words to emphasize the most important
point in each sentence.
Choosing from the Four Types of Sentences

Sentences come in four basic varieties: simple, compound, complex, and compound- A simple sentence has one main
complex. A simple sentence has one main clause (a single subject and a single predicate), clause.
although it may be expanded by nouns and pronouns serving as objects of the action and
by modifying phrases. Here’s a typical example (with the subject underlined once and the
predicate verb underlined twice):
Profits increased in the past year.
A compound sentence has two main clauses that express two or more independent A compound sentence has two main
but related thoughts of equal importance, usually joined by and, but, or or. In effect, a clauses.
compound sentence is a merger of two or more simple sentences (independent clauses)

that are related. For example:
Wages have declined by 5 percent, and employee turnover has been high.
The independent clauses in a compound sentence are always separated by a comma
or by a semicolon (in which case the conjunction—and, but, or—is dropped).
A complex sentence expresses one main thought (the independent clause) and one A complex sentence has one main
or more subordinate thoughts (dependent clauses) related to it, often separated by a clause and one subordinate clause.
comma. The subordinate thought, which comes first in the following sentence, could not
stand alone:
Although you may question Gerald’s conclusions, you must admit that his
research is thorough.
A compound-complex sentence has two main clauses, at least one of which contains A compound-complex sentence has
a subordinate clause: two main clauses and at least one
dependent clause.
Profits have increased in the past year, and although you may question
Gerald’s conclusions, you must admit that his research is thorough.
From these examples, you can see the power and variety that the different sentence Writing is more effective if it balances
types can bring to your writing. To make your writing as effective as possible, strive for all four sentence types.
variety and balance using all four sentence types. If you use too many simple sentences,
you won’t be able to properly express the relationships among your ideas, and your writ-
ing will sound choppy and abrupt. If you use too many long, compound sentences, your
writing will sound monotonous. On the other hand, an uninterrupted series of complex
or compound-complex sentences is hard to follow.
Using Sentence Style to Emphasize Key Thoughts

Emphasize parts of a sentence by In every message, some ideas are more important than others. You can emphasize these
■ Devoting more words to them key ideas through your sentence style. One obvious technique is to give important points
■ Putting them at the beginning or at the most space. When you want to call attention to a thought, use extra words to describe
the end of the sentence
■ Making them the subject of the it. Consider this sentence:
sentence
The chairperson called for a vote of the shareholders.
To emphasize the importance of the chairperson, you might describe her more fully:
Having considerable experience in corporate takeover battles, the chairperson

called for a vote of the shareholders.
You can increase the emphasis even more by adding a separate, short sentence to augment
the first:
The chairperson called for a vote of the shareholders. She has considerable
experience in corporate takeover battles.
You can also call attention to a thought by making it the subject of the sentence. In the fol-
lowing example, the emphasis is on the person:
I can write letters much more quickly using a computer.
However, by changing the subject, the computer takes center stage:
The computer enables me to write letters much more quickly.
Another way to emphasize an idea is to place it either at the beginning or at the end of a
sentence:
Less Emphatic: We are cutting the price to stimulate demand.
More Emphatic: To stimulate demand, we are cutting the price.
Placement of dependent clauses can In complex sentences, the placement of the dependent clause hinges on the relation-
determine emphasis. ship between the ideas expressed. If you want to emphasize the idea expressed in the
dependent clause, put that clause at the end of the sentence (the most emphatic position)
or at the beginning (the second most emphatic position). If you want to downplay the
idea, position the dependent clause within the sentence.
Most Emphatic: The electronic parts are manufactured in Mexico, which has
lower wage rates than the United States.
Emphatic: Because wage rates are lower there, the electronic parts are manufac-
tured in Mexico.
Least Emphatic: Mexico, which has lower wage rates, was selected as the pro-
duction site for the electronic parts.
In every writing project, a clear plan and strong knowledge of your audience will help you
make the most effective sentence choices.
Crafting Coherent Paragraphs

Paragraphs organize sentences related to the same general topic. Readers expect each
paragraph to focus on a single unit of thought and to be a logical link in an organized
sequence of the thoughts that make up a complete message. As with sentences, controlling
the elements of each paragraph helps your readers grasp the main idea of your document
and understand how the specific pieces of support material back up that idea.
Understanding the Elements of the Paragraph

Paragraphs vary widely in length and form, but most contain three basic elements: a topic Most paragraphs consist of
sentence, support sentences that develop the topic, and transitional words and phrases. ■ A topic sentence that reveals the
subject of the paragraph
■ Related sentences that support and
Topic Sentence Every properly constructed paragraph is unified; it deals with a single expand the topic
topic. The sentence that introduces that topic is called the topic sentence. The topic sen- ■ Transitional elements that help
tence gives readers a summary of the general idea that will be covered in the rest of the readers move between sentences
and paragraphs
paragraph. In business writing, the topic sentence is usually explicit and is often the first
sentence in the paragraph. The following examples show how a topic sentence can intro-
duce the subject and suggest the way that subject will be developed:
The medical products division has been troubled for many years by public rela-
tions problems. [In the rest of the paragraph, readers will learn the details of the
problems.]
Relocating the plant in New York has two main disadvantages. [The disadvan-
tages will be explained in subsequent sentences.]
Support Sentences In most paragraphs, the topic sentence needs to be explained, justi-
fied, or extended with one or more support sentences. These related sentences must all
have a bearing on the general subject and must provide enough specific details to make
the topic clear:
The medical products division has been troubled for many years by public rela-
tions problems. Since 2002 the local newspaper has published 15 articles that
portray the division in a negative light. We have been accused of everything
from mistreating laboratory animals to polluting the local groundwater. Our
facility has been described as a health hazard. Our scientists are referred to as
“Frankensteins,” and our profits are considered “obscene.”
The support sentences are all more specific than the topic sentence. Each one provides
another piece of evidence to demonstrate the general truth of the main thought. Also,
each sentence is clearly related to the general idea being developed, which gives the para-
graph its unity. A paragraph is well developed when (1) it contains enough information to
make the topic sentence convincing and interesting and (2) it contains no extraneous,
unrelated sentences.
Transitional Elements In addition to being unified and well supported, effective para-
graphs are coherent; that is, they are arranged in a logical order so that the audience can
understand the train of thought. You achieve coherence by using transitions that show the
relationship between paragraphs and among sentences within paragraphs. Transitions
are words or phrases that tie ideas together by showing how one thought is related to
another. They not only help readers understand the connections you’re trying to make
but also smooth your writing. Ideally, you begin planning these transitions while you’re
outlining, as you decide how the various ideas and blocks of information will be arranged
and connected.15
You can establish transitions in a variety of ways:
■ Use connecting words: and, but, or, nevertheless, however, in addition, and so on. Transitional elements include
■ Echo a word or phrase from a previous paragraph or sentence: “A system should be ■ Connecting words (conjunctions)
established for monitoring inventory levels. This system will provide . . .” ■ Repeated words or phrases
■ Pronouns
■ Use a pronoun that refers to a noun used previously: “Ms. Arthur is the leading can- ■ Words that are frequently paired
didate for the president’s position. She has excellent qualifications.”
■ Use words that are frequently paired: “The machine has a minimum output of . . . Its
maximum output is . . .”
Some transitional elements serve as mood changers; that is, they alert the reader to a
change in mood from the previous paragraph. Some announce a total contrast with
what’s gone on before, some announce a causal relationship, and some signal a change in
time. Here is a list of transitions frequently used to move readers smoothly between sen-
tences and paragraphs:
Additional detail: moreover, furthermore, in addition, besides, first, second, third,

finally
Causal relationship: therefore, because, accordingly, thus, consequently, hence, as a
result, so
Comparison: similarly, here again, likewise, in comparison, still
Contrast: yet, conversely, whereas, nevertheless, on the other hand,
however, but, nonetheless
Condition: although, if
Illustration: for example, in particular, in this case, for instance
Time sequence: formerly, after, when, meanwhile, sometimes
Intensification: indeed, in fact, in any event
Summary: in brief, in short, to sum up
Repetition: that is, in other words, as I mentioned earlier
Consider using a transition whenever it might help the reader understand your ideas
and follow you from point to point. You can use transitions inside paragraphs to tie
related points together and between paragraphs to ease the shift from one distinct
thought to another. In longer reports, transitions that link major sections or chapters are
often complete paragraphs that serve as summaries of the ideas presented in the section
just ending or as mini-introductions to the next section.
Developing Paragraphs
Five ways to develop paragraphs: A paragraph’s coherence strongly depends on how you develop it, and the best way to do
■ Illustration that is to use a structure that is familiar to your readers, appropriate to the idea you’re try-
■ Comparison or contrast ing to portray, and suited to your purpose. Five of the most common development
■ Cause and effect
■ Classification techniques are illustration, comparison or contrast, cause and effect, classification, and
■ Problem and solution problem and solution (see Table 4.5).
Using Technology to Compose and Shape

Your Messages
Take full advantage of your word
As with every phase of business communication, careful use of technology can help you
processor’s formatting capabilities to compose and shape better messages in less time. As you probably know, today’s software
help you produce effective, (including both word processors and online publishing systems for websites and blogs)
professional documents in less time.
provides a wide range of tools to help writers compose documents:
■ Style sheets and templates. Most word processors offer some form of style sheets,
which are master lists of predefined styles (typeface, type size, and so on) for headlines,
paragraph text, and so on (here, the word style should not be confused with writing
style, discussed earlier in the chapter). Many organizations provide employees with
approved style sheets to ensure a consistent look for all company documents.
Moreover, style sheets can eliminate hours of design time by making many of your
choices for you. Templates can go beyond style sheets by defining such factors as page
design, available fonts, and other features. Templates can include boilerplate, or sec-
tions of text that are reused from document to document. Like style sheets, templates
save time by making choices for you in advance. (Depending on the version of
Microsoft Word you’re using, style sheets may have been replaced by templates.)
■ Autocompletion. Software called autocompletion (or something similar) inserts a
ready-made block of text when you type the first few characters. For example, instead
of typing your company’s name, address, phone number, fax number, e-mail address,
Table 4.5 Five Techniques for Developing Paragraphs
Technique Description Sample
Illustration Giving examples that Some of our most popular products are available through local distributors.
demonstrate the general For example, Everett & Lemmings carries our frozen soups and entrees. The
idea J. B. Green Company carries our complete line of seasonings, as well as the
frozen soups. Wilmont Foods, also a major distributor, now carries our new
line of frozen desserts.
Comparison or Using similarities or When the company was small, the recruiting function could be handled
Contrast differences to develop the informally. The need for new employees was limited, and each manager could
topic comfortably screen and hire her or his own staff. However, our successful bid
on the Owens contract means that we will be doubling our labor force over
the next six months. To hire that many people without disrupting our ongoing
activities, we will create a separate recruiting group within the human
resources department.
Cause and Effect Focusing on the reasons for The heavy-duty fabric of your Wanderer tent probably broke down for one
something of two reasons: (1) a sharp object punctured the fabric, and without
reinforcement, the hole was enlarged by the stress of pitching the tent daily
for a week or (2) the fibers gradually rotted because the tent was folded and
stored while still wet.
Classification Showing how a general idea Successful candidates for our supervisor trainee program generally come
is broken into specific from one of several groups. The largest group, by far, consists of recent
categories graduates of accredited business management programs. The next largest
group comes from within our own company, as we try to promote promising
staff workers to positions of greater responsibility. Finally, we do occasionally
accept candidates with outstanding supervisory experience in related
industries.
Problem and Presenting a problem and Selling handmade toys online is a challenge because consumers are
Solution then discussing the solution accustomed to buying heavily advertised toys from major chain stores or
well-known websites such as Amazon.com. However, if we develop an
appealing website, we can compete on the basis of product novelty and
quality. In addition, we can provide unusual crafts at a competitive price:
a rocking horse of birch, with a hand-knit tail and mane; a music box with
the child’s name painted on the top; a real teepee, made by Native American
artisans.
and website URL, you can set the software to enter all this information as soon as you
type the first three letters of the company name.
■ Autocorrection. Another automatic feature in some programs instantly corrects
spelling and typing errors and converts text to symbols, such as converting (c) to the
© copyright symbol. However, autocorrection may make changes that you don’t want
made, such as converting “nd,” “st,” or “th” to superscript characters when paired with
numbers, as in “21st century.” (Although the use of such superscripts is common in
word processing, many design professionals consider it poor typesetting.)
■ File merge and mail merge. Today’s software makes it easy to combine files—an espe-
cially handy feature when several members of a team write different sections of a
report. For particularly complex reports, you can set up a master document that
merges a number of subdocuments automatically when it’s time to print. Mail merge
lets you personalize form letters by inserting names and addresses from a database.
■ Endnotes, footnotes, indexes, and tables of contents. Your computer can also help
you track footnotes and endnotes, renumbering them every time you add or delete ref-
erences. For a report’s indexes and table of contents, you can simply flag the items you
want to include, and the software assembles the lists for you.
■ Wizards. Programs such as Microsoft Word offer wizards that guide you through the
process of creating letters, résumés, and other common documents.
As with other forms of communication technology, using these tools efficiently and effec-
tively requires some balance. You need to learn enough about the features to be handy
with them, without spending so much time that the tools distract the writing process.
Reviewing Key Points

This chapter discusses the second step in the three-step writing process: writing business
messages, including the two key tasks of adapting to your audience and composing your
message. First, the chapter helps you adapt to your audience by explaining how to be sen-
sitive to your audience’s needs: using the “you” attitude, practicing good etiquette,
emphasizing the positive, and using bias-free language. Next, it shows you how to build
strong relationships with your audience by establishing your credibility and projecting
your company’s image. The final aspect of adapting to your audience is controlling your
style and tone: using a conversational tone, emphasizing plain English, and making effec-
tive use of active and passive voice.
The second part of the chapter helps you compose your message. It explains how to
select the best words by blending abstract and concrete words, choosing words that are
strong and familiar, and avoiding clichés and jargon. The chapter shows you how to create
effective sentences by using all four types, selecting active or passive voice, and emphasiz-
ing key thoughts. The chapter next explains how to develop coherent paragraphs by
adapting paragraph length, using five development techniques, and using transitions to
achieve both unity and coherence. The chapter concludes with advice on using communi-
cation technology wisely.
The next chapter focuses on the last step of the writing process: completing business
messages. It discusses how to revise your messages for conciseness and clarity. It covers
how to produce your message by choosing the right design elements, making those design
elements effective, and using computers to improve your finished documents. In addi-
tion, you will learn how to proofread your business messages—what to look for and how
to adapt the process.
Test Your Knowledge

1. Which writing characteristics should you avoid if you want to achieve a conversational tone?
2. How does an abstract word differ from a concrete word?
3. In what three situations should you use passive voice?

4. How can you use sentence style to emphasize key thoughts?
5. What functions do transitions serve?
Apply Your Knowledge

1. How can you apply the “you” approach if you don’t know your audience personally?
2. When composing business messages, how can you be yourself and project your company’s image
at the same time?
3. What steps can you take to make abstract concepts such as opportunity feel more concrete in your
messages?
4. Should you bother using transitional elements if the logical sequence of your message is already
obvious? Why or why not?
5. Ethical Choices Seven million people in the United States are allergic to one or more food
ingredients. Every year 30,000 of these people end up in the emergency room after suffering an
allergic reaction, and 200 of them die. Many of these tragic events are tied to poorly written food
labels that either fail to identify dangerous allergens or use scientific terms that most consumers
don’t recognize. Do food manufacturers have a responsibility to ensure that consumers read,
understand, and follow warnings on food products? Explain your answer.
Practice Your Knowledge

Exercises for Perfecting Your Writing
The “You” Attitude Rewrite the following sentences to reflect your audience’s view-
point.
1. We request that you use the order form supplied in the back of our catalog.
2. We insist that you always bring your credit card to the store.
3. We want to get rid of all our 15-inch monitors to make room in our warehouse for
the 19-inch screens. Thus we are offering a 25 percent discount on all sales this week.
4. I am applying for the position of bookkeeper in your office. I feel that my grades
prove that I am bright and capable, and I think I can do a good job for you.
5. As requested, we are sending the refund for $25.
Emphasizing the Positive Revise these sentences to be positive rather than negative.
6. To avoid the loss of your credit rating, please remit payment within 10 days.
7. We don’t make refunds on returned merchandise that is soiled.
8. Because we are temporarily out of Baby Cry dolls, we won’t be able to ship your order
for 10 days.
9. You failed to specify the color of the blouse that you ordered.
10. You should have realized that waterbeds will freeze in unheated houses during winter.
Therefore, our guarantee does not cover the valve damage and you must pay the
$9.50 valve-replacement fee (plus postage).
Emphasizing the Positive Revise the following sentences to replace unflattering terms
(in italics) with euphemisms:
11. The new boss is ________ (stubborn) when it comes to doing things by the book.
12. When you say we’ve doubled our profit level, you are ________ (wrong).
13. Just be careful not to make any ________ (stupid) choices this week.
14. Jim Riley is ________ (incompetent) for that kind of promotion.
15. Glen monopolizes every meeting by being ________ (a loudmouth).
Courteous Communication Revise the following sentences to make them more
courteous:
16. You claim that you mailed your check last Thursday, but we have not received it.
17. It is not our policy to exchange sale items, especially after they have been worn.
18. You neglected to sign the enclosed contract.
19. I received your letter, in which you assert that our shipment was three days late.
20. You failed to enclose your instructions for your new will.
Bias-Free Language Rewrite each of the following sentences to eliminate bias:
21. For an Indian, Maggie certainly is outgoing.
22. He needs a wheelchair, but he doesn’t let his handicap affect his job performance.
23. A pilot must have the ability to stay calm under pressure, and then he must be trained
to cope with any problem that arises.
24. Candidate Renata Parsons, married and the mother of a teenager, will attend the
debate.
25. Senior citizen Sam Nugent is still an active salesman.
Message Composition: Selecting Words In the following sentences, replace vague
phrases (underlined) with concrete phrases. Make up any details you might need.
26. We will be opening our new facility sometime this spring.
27. You can now purchase our new Leaf-Away yard and lawn blower at a substantial
savings.
28. After the reception, we were surprised that such a large number attended.
29. The new production line has been operating with increased efficiency on every run.
30. Over the holiday, we hired a crew to expand the work area.
Message Composition: Selecting Words In the following sentences, replace weak terms
(in italics) with words that are stronger:
31. The two reporters ________ (ran after) every lead enthusiastically.
32. Even large fashion houses have to match staff size to the normal ________ (seasonal
ups and downs).
33. The ________ (bright) colors in that ad are keeping customers from seeing what we
have to sell.
34. Health costs ________ (suddenly rise) when management forgets to emphasize safety
issues.
35. Once we solved the zoning issue, new business construction ________ (moved for-
ward), and the district has been flourishing ever since.
Message Composition: Selecting Words Rewrite these sentences to replace the clichés
with fresh, personal expressions:
36. Being a jack-of-all-trades, Dave worked well in his new selling job.
37. Moving Leslie into the accounting department, where she was literally a fish out of
water, was like putting a square peg into a round hole, if you get my drift.
38. I knew she was at death’s door, but I thought the doctor would pull her through.
39. Movies aren’t really my cup of tea; as far as I am concerned, they can’t hold a candle
to a good book.
40. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there in the rat race of the asphalt jungle.
Message Composition: Selecting Words In the following sentences, replace long, com-
plicated words with short, simple ones:
41. Management ________ (inaugurated) the recycling policy six months ago.
42. You can convey the same meaning without ________ (utilizing) the same words.
43. You’ll never be promoted unless you ________ (endeavor) to be more patient.
44. I have to wait until payday to ________ (ascertain) whether I got the raise or not.
45. John will send you a copy, once he’s inserted all the ________________ (alterations)
you’ve requested.
46. Grand Tree _______________ (fabricates) office furniture that is both durable and
attractive.
47. I understand from your letter that you expect a full refund, ________ (nevertheless)
your warranty expired more than a year ago.
Message Composition: Selecting Words Rewrite the following sentences, replacing

obsolete phrases with up-to-date versions. Write none if you think there is no appropriate
substitute.
48. I have completed the form and returned it to my insurance company, as per your
instructions.
49. Attached herewith is a copy of our new contract for your records.
50. Even though it will increase the price of the fence, we have decided to use the red-
wood in lieu of the cedar.
51. Saunders & Saunders has received your request for the Greenwood file, and in reply I
wish to state that we will send you copies of Mr. Greenwood’s documents only after
Judge Taylor makes her ruling and orders us to do so.
52. Please be advised that your account with National Bank has been compromised, and
we advise you to close it as soon as possible.
Message Composition: Creating Sentences Rewrite each sentence so that it is active

rather than passive:
53. The raw data are submitted to the data processing division by the sales representative
each Friday.
54. High profits are publicized by management.
55. The policies announced in the directive were implemented by the staff.
56. Our computers are serviced by the Santee Company.
57. The employees were represented by Janet Hogan.
Message Organization: Transitional Elements Add transitional elements to the follow-

ing sentences to improve the flow of ideas. (Note: You may need to eliminate or add some
words to smooth out your sentences.)
58. Steve Case saw infinite possibilities for the Internet. Steve Case was determined to
turn his vision into reality. The techies scoffed at his strategy of building a simple
Internet service for ordinary people. Case doggedly pursued his dream. He analyzed
other online services. He assessed the needs of his customers. He responded to their
desires for an easier way to access information over the Internet. In 1992, Steve Case
named his company America Online (AOL). Critics predicted the company’s demise.
By the end of the century, AOL was a profitable powerhouse. AOL grew so big that it
was able to merge with the giant traditional media company Time Warner. The
merger was widely criticized. The merger did not live up to Case’s expectations. He
eventually left the company.
59. Facing some of the toughest competitors in the world, Harley-Davidson had to make
some changes. The company introduced new products. Harley’s management team
set out to rebuild the company’s production process. New products were coming to
market and the company was turning a profit. Harley’s quality standards were not on
par with those of its foreign competitors. Harley’s costs were still among the highest
in the industry. Harley made a U-turn and restructured the company’s organizational
structure. Harley’s efforts have paid off.
60. Whether you’re indulging in a doughnut in New York or California, Krispy Kreme
wants you to enjoy the same delicious taste with every bite. The company maintains
consistent product quality by carefully controlling every step of the production

process. Krispy Kreme tests all raw ingredients against established quality standards.
Every delivery of wheat flour is sampled and measured for its moisture content and
protein levels. Krispy Kreme blends the ingredients. Krispy Kreme tests the doughnut
mix for quality. Krispy Kreme delivers the mix to its stores. Krispy Kreme knows that
it takes more than a quality mix to produce perfect doughnuts all the time. The company
supplies its stores with everything they need to produce premium doughnuts—mix,
icings, fillings, equipment—you name it.
Activities
For active links to all websites discussed in this chapter, visit this text’s website at
www.prenhall.com/bovee. Locate your book and click on its Companion Website link.
Then select Chapter 4, and click on “Featured Websites.” Locate the name of the page or
the URL related to the material in the text. Please note that links to sites that become inac-
tive after publication of the book will be removed from the Featured Websites section.
1. Analyze This Document Read the following document, then (1) analyze the
strengths and weaknesses of each sentence, and (2) revise the document so that it
follows this chapter’s guidelines.
I am a new publisher with some really great books to sell. I saw your
announcement in Publishers Weekly about the bookseller’s show you’re having
this summer, and I think it’s a great idea. Count me in, folks! I would like to get
some space to show my books. I thought it would be a neat thing if I could do
some airbrushing on T-shirts live to help promote my hot new title, T-Shirt Art.
Before I got into publishing, I was an airbrush artist, and I could demonstrate
my techniques. I’ve done hundreds of advertising illustrations and have been
a sign painter all my life, so I’ll also be promoting my other book, hot off the
presses, How to Make Money in the Sign Painting Business.
I will be starting my PR campaign about May 2005 with ads in PW and some
art trade papers, so my books should be well known by the time the show
comes around in August. In case you would like to use my appearance there
as part of your publicity, I have enclosed a biography and photo of myself.
P.S. Please let me know what it costs for booth space as soon as possible so
that I can figure out whether I can afford to attend. Being a new publisher is
mighty expensive!
2. Teamwork Working with four other students, divide the following five topics and
write one paragraph on your selected topic. Be sure one student writes a paragraph
using the illustration technique, one using the comparison-or-contrast technique,
one using a discussion of cause and effect, one using the classification technique,
and one using a discussion of problem and solution. Then exchange paragraphs
within the team and pick out the main idea and general purpose of the paragraph one
of your teammates wrote. Was everyone able to correctly identify the main idea and
purpose? If not, suggest how the paragraph might be rewritten for clarity.
a. Types of cameras (or dogs or automobiles) available for sale
b. Advantages and disadvantages of eating at fast-food restaurants
c. Finding that first full-time job
d. Good qualities of my car (or house, or apartment, or neighborhood)
e. How to make a favorite dessert (or barbecue a steak or make coffee)
Expand Your Knowledge

Exploring the Best of the Web 2. What six factors of tone should you consider when con-
veying your message to your audience?
Compose a Better Business Message At Purdue University’s
3. What points should you include in the close of your
Online Writing Lab (OWL), http://owl.english.purdue.edu,
business message? Why?
you’ll find tools to help you improve your business messages.
For advice on composing written messages, for help with
Exploring the Web on Your Own
grammar, and for referrals to other information sources,
you’d be wise to visit this site. Purdue’s OWL offers online Review these chapter-related websites on your own to learn
services and an introduction to Internet search tools. You more about writing business messages.
can also download a variety of handouts on writing skills. 1. Write it right by paying attention to these writing tips,
Check out the resources at the OWL homepage, then answer grammar pointers, style suggestions, and reference
the following questions. sources at www.webgrammar.com.
2. Can’t find the right word to use when writing about spe-
Exercises cialized topics? Check out one of the hundreds of subject-
area glossaries available at www.glossarist.com.
1. Explain why positive wording in a message is more
3. Need some advice about what’s legal to write about in
effective than negative wording. Why should you be
your blog? Visit the Electronic Frontier Foundation’s
concerned about the position of good news or bad news
Legal Guide for Bloggers at www.eff.org/bloggers/lg.
in your written message?
Learn Interactively
Interactive Study Guide Website, or on CD, you can improve your skill with adjec-
tives and adverbs by using the “Peak Performance Grammar
Visit www.prenhall.com/bovee, then locate your book and
and Mechanics” module. Click on “Grammar Basics,” and
click on its Companion Website link. Select Chapter 4 to take
then click “Adjectives and Adverbs.” Take the Pretest to deter-
advantage of the interactive “Chapter Quiz” to test your
mine whether you have any weak areas. Then review those
knowledge of chapter concepts. Receive instant feedback on
areas in the Refresher Course. Take the Follow-Up Test to
whether you need additional studying. Also, visit the “Study
check your grasp of adjectives and adverbs. For an extra
Hall,” where you’ll find an abundance of valuable resources
challenge or advanced practice, take the Advanced Test.
that will help you succeed in this course.
Finally, for additional reinforcement in adjectives and
adverbs, go to the “Improve Your Grammar, Mechanics, and
Peak Performance Grammar and Mechanics
Usage” section that follows, and complete the “Level I: Self-
If your instructor has required the use of “Peak Performance Assessment” exercises.
Grammar and Mechanics,” either in your online course,
through the access-code protected portion of the Companion
Improve Your Grammar,

Mechanics, and Usage
Level 1: Self-Assessment—Adjectives
Review Sections 1.4 in the Handbook of Grammar, Mechanics, and Usage, and then look
at the following 15 items.
In items 1–5, fill in the appropriate form of the adjective that appears in parentheses:
1. Of the two products, this one has the ________ (great) potential.
2. The ________ (perfect) solution is d.
3. Here is the ________________ (interesting) of all the ideas I have heard so far.
4. Our service is ________ (good) than theirs.
5. The ________ (hard) part of my job is firing people.
In items 6–10, insert hyphens wherever required:
6. A highly placed source revealed Dotson’s last ditch efforts to cover up the mistake.
7. Please send an extra large dust cover for my photocopier.
8. A top secret document was taken from the president’s office last night.
9. A 30 year old person should know better.
10. If I write a large scale report, I want to know that it will be read by upper level
management.
In items 11–15, insert required commas between adjectives:
11. The two companies are engaged in an all-out no-holds-barred struggle for dominance.
12. A tiny metal shaving is responsible for the problem.
13. She came to the office with a bruised swollen knee.
14. A chipped cracked sheet of glass is useless to us.
15. You’ll receive our usual cheerful prompt service.
Level 2: Workplace Applications

The following items contain numerous errors in grammar, capitalization, punctuation,
abbreviation, number style, word division, and vocabulary. Rewrite each sentence in the
space provided, correcting all errors. Write C in the space after any sentence that is already
correct.
1. Its time that you learned the skills one needs to work with suppliers and vendors to
get what you want and need.
2. Easy flexible wireless calling plans start for as little as $19 dollars a month.
3. There’s several criteria used to select customer’s to receive this offer.
4. PetFood Warehouse officially became PETsMART, Jim left the co. due to health reasons.
5. First quarter sales gains are evident in both the grocery store sector (up 1.03%) and
the restaurant sector (up 3.17 per cent) according to Food Institute estimates.
6. Whatever your challenge, learning stronger “negotiating” tactics and strategies will
improve the way people work and the results that comes from their efforts.
7. To meet the increasing demand for Penta bottled-drinking-water, production capac-

ity is being expanded by Bio-Hydration Research Lab by 80 percent.
8. Seminars begin at 9 A.M. and wrap up at 4:00 P.M.
9. Temple, Texas-based McLane Co. a subsidiary of Wal-Mart has bought a facility in

Northfield, Minn that it will use to distribute products to customers such as conve-
nience stores, stores that sell items at a discount, and mass merchants.
10. The British Retail Consortium are releasing the 3rd edition of its Technical Standards
on Apr. 22, reported The New York Times.
11. The reason SkillPath is the fastest growing training company in the world is because
of our commitment to providing clients with the highest-quality learning experi-
ences possible.
12. According to professor Charles Noussair of the economics department of Purdue

University, opinion surveys “Capture the respondent in the role of a voter, not in the
role of a consumer”.
13. The Study found that people, exposed to Purina banner ads, were almost 50 percent
more likely to volunteer Purina as the first Dog Food brand that came to mind.
14. In a consent decree with the food and drug administration, E’Ola International a
dietary supplement maker agreed not to sell any more products containing the drug,
ephedrine.
15. Dennis Dickson is looking for a company both to make and distribute plaidberries
under an exclusive license, plaidberries is blackberries that are mixed with extracts
and they are used as a filling.
Level 3: Document Critique

The following document may contain errors in grammar, capitalization, punctuation,
abbreviation, number style, vocabulary, and spelling. You will also find errors relating to
topics in this chapter. Concentrate on using the “you” attitude, emphasizing the positive,
being polite, and using bias-free language as you improve this memo. Correct all errors
using standard proofreading marks (see Appendix C).
Burdette’s
Burdette
Special Sizes
For Special Ladies and Gentleman
820 10th Avenue South, Seattle, WA 98134 (206) 777-1234 Fax: (206) 777-1235 www.burdetters.com
10/19/07
Mrs. Bruce Crandall
1597 Church Street
Grants Pass, Oreg. 97526
Dear Mrs. Crandall,
Order no. 89-97526-277
We were so happy to recieve your order—We know you’ll be enjoying the dress you’ve
selected from our fall catalog. We feel its a popular number because its so versitile and
flatters our heavier customers. We think you’ll get alot of use out of it on your trip to San
Francisco.
Unfortunately, you forgot to indicate what size you need. We can’t ship your dress until you
tell us your size. Plus, if you don’t mail in the postage paid card that we’ve enclosed for you
to use very soon we can’t be guaranteeing that your attractive new dress will arrive in time
for your trip!
Sincerely,
2
CHAPTER
Building Goodwill
You-Attitude Reducing Bias in Business Communication

■ How to Create You-Attitude ■ Making Language Nonsexist
■ You-Attitude beyond the Sentence Level ■ Making Language Nonracist and Nonagist
■ Talking about People with Disabilities and Diseases
Positive Emphasis
■ Choosing Bias-Free Photos and Illustrations
Tone, Power, and Politeness
Summary of Key Points
AN INSIDE PERSPECTIVE
Building Goodwill
evising for you-attitude makes the message more
R persuasive and builds goodwill. When I helped

write a 51-page document proposing that Merrill
Lynch create a division to serve investors who were deaf
and hard of hearing, we used language and arguments that
focused on the company. When I write a letter to an indi-
vidual investor, you-attitude is one way I present informa-
tion from the reader’s point of view. You-attitude also Stephen Hlibok
means respecting the reader. Many potential clients really Vice President, Merrill Lynch & Co.
don’t understand finances, so I often need to explain the ba- Stephen Hlibok is a Certified Financial Manager who
helps serve more than 4,500 deaf and hard-of-
sics. You-attitude helps me do that in a way that isn’t con- hearing clients. Merrill Lynch, the largest financial
descending. service firm in the United States, also provides
special services for blind and visually impaired
As a stockbroker and financial planner, there are times people and for families of children with disabilities.
when I can’t use positive emphasis. I have to make sure that www.ml.com
clients understand the risk of a specific investment. And www.fc.ml.com/Stephen_Hlibok
when news is bad, I give solid facts. If the stock market is
down 17%, it would be unprofessional to say, “Your portfo-
lio retains 83% of its value.” “
Revising for you-attitude makes the
Building goodwill also means speaking the client’s lan-
message more persuasive and builds
guage. I started my position three months before October 19,
1987—Black Monday—the day the Dow Jones Industrial
goodwill. ”
Average plunged 508 points. On that day, stockbrokers were
flooded by calls from worried clients. Due to time con-
straints, Deaf people found face-to-face appointments hard to come by, and
brokers did not have the necessary telecommunications equipment to com-
municate with people who used American Sign Language.
With determination and guts, I helped build a bridge between Wall Street
and the Deaf community. Merrill Lynch recognized the potential untapped
community and became the first Wall Street brokerage firm to establish the
Deaf and Hard of Hearing Investors’ Services Division. The division reflects
the company’s involvement in a diverse, cross-cultural workforce.
Merrill Lynch’s own slogan is “You should know no boundaries.” Grow-
ing up in a Deaf household, I never thought or believed I couldn’t do any-
thing I wanted to because of my deafness. I want to instill the same attitude
among other Deaf and disabled people.
The Internet is a revolution for the Deaf community because it helps to
solve our communication needs and reduce obstacles. Within five years,
videoconferencing should be standard, and there’ll be plenty of flying
hands!
33
34 Part One The Building Blocks of Effective Messages
All Work Is Goodwill smooths the challenges of business and administration. Companies
Social* have long been aware that treating customers well pays off in more sales and
higher profits. Government organizations now realize that they need citizen
support—goodwill—to receive funding. Goodwill is important in internal as
Establishing good working well as external documents. More and more organizations are realizing that
relationships can help us treating employees well is financially wise as well as ethically sound. Sears
secure the cooperation of the Roebuck found that improvements in employee attitudes produced pre-
people we need to accomplish
dictable improvements in revenue. Northern Telecom of Toronto, MCI Com-
our tasks. If we delay building
munications, and Electronic Data Systems have also found that internal good-
good relationships until we
really need them, it will be too
will has a measurable effect on the bottom line.1 Researcher Jim Collins found
late. that the most financially successful companies put “people first, strategy sec-
ond.” Another study found that companies that “manage people right” out-
*Quoted from “Be a Social Worker,”
Fast Company, May 1999, 228.
performed other companies by 30% to 40%.2
You-attitude, positive emphasis, and bias-free language are three ways to
help build goodwill. Writing that shows you-attitude speaks from the reader’s
point of view, not selfishly from the writer’s. Positive emphasis means focus-
ing on the positive rather than the negative aspects of a situation. Bias-free lan-
guage is language that does not discriminate against people on the basis of sex,
physical condition, race, age, or any other category. All three help you achieve
your purposes and make your messages friendlier, more persuasive, more pro-
fessional, and more humane. They suggest that you care not just about money
but also about your readers and their needs and interests.
You-Attitude
Putting what you want to say in you-attitude is a crucial step both in thinking
about the reader’s needs and in communicating your concern to the reader.
How to Create You-Attitude

You-attitude is a style of writing that looks at things from the reader’s point of
view, emphasizing what the reader wants to know, respecting the reader’s in-
telligence, and protecting the reader’s ego.
To apply you-attitude, use the following five techniques:
1. Talk about the reader, not about yourself.
2. Refer to the reader’s request or order specifically.
3. Don’t talk about feelings, except to congratulate or offer sympathy.
4. In positive situations, use you more often than I. Use we when it includes
the reader.
5. In negative situations, avoid the word you. Protect the reader’s ego. Use
passive verbs and impersonal expressions to avoid assigning blame.
As we look at examples of these techniques, note that many of the you-
attitude revisions are longer than the sentences lacking you-attitude. You-
attitude sentences have more information, so they are often longer. They are not
wordy, however. Wordiness means having more words than the meaning
requires. We can add information and still keep the writing tight.
1. Talk about the reader, not about yourself.

Readers want to know how they benefit or are affected. When you provide this
information, you make your message more complete and more interesting.
Lacks you-attitude: I have negotiated an agreement with Apex Rent-a-Car that gives
you a discount on rental cars.
Chapter Two Building Goodwill 35
You-attitude: As a Sunstrand employee, you can now get a 20% discount The
when you rent a car from Apex. Enlightened
Manager*
The first sentence focuses on what the writer does, not on what the reader
receives. Any sentence that focuses on the writer’s work or generosity lacks
Building goodwill comes from
you-attitude, even if the sentence contains the word you. Instead of focusing on attitudes, not just from words.
what we are giving the reader, focus on what the reader can now do. Enlightened managers assume
Lacks you-attitude: We are shipping your order of September 21 this afternoon. that workers
■ Want to do a good job.
You-attitude: The two dozen Corning Ware starter sets you ordered will be
shipped this afternoon and should reach you by September 28. ■ Can improve.
■ Want to be needed,
The reader is less interested in when we shipped the order than in when it will respected, and
arrive. Note that the phrase “should reach you by” leaves room for variations appreciated.
in delivery schedules. If you can’t be exact, give your reader the information ■ Prefer meaningful work.
you do have: “A UPS shipment from California to Texas normally takes three ■ Are whole people, with lives
days.” If you have absolutely no idea, give the reader the name of the carrier, outside work.
so the reader knows whom to contact if the order doesn’t arrive promptly. ■ Will make good decisions
when they have good
2. Refer to the reader’s request or order specifically. information.
When you write about the reader’s request, order, or policy, refer to it specifi- *Based on “Do You Have What It
cally, not as a generic your order or your policy. If your reader is an individual or Takes to Be an Enlightened
a small business, it’s friendly to specify the content of the order; if you’re writ- Manager?” Inc., October 1998,
47–51.
ing to a company with which you do a great deal of business, give the invoice
or purchase order number.
Lacks you-attitude: Your order . . .
You-attitude
(to individual): The desk chair you ordered . . .
You-attitude
(to a large store): Your invoice #783329 . . .
3. Don’t talk about feelings except to congratulate or offer sympathy.

In most business situations, your feelings are irrelevant and should be omitted.
Lacks you-attitude: We are happy to extend you a credit line of $5,000.
You-attitude: You can now charge up to $5,000 on your American Express card.
The reader doesn’t care whether you’re happy, bored stiff at granting a routine
application, or worried about granting so much to someone who barely quali-
fies. All the reader cares about is the situation from his or her point of view.
It is appropriate to talk about your own emotions in a message of congratu-
lations or condolence.
You-attitude: Congratulations on your promotion to district manager! I was really
pleased to read about it.
In internal memos, it may be appropriate to comment that a project has been

gratifying or frustrating. In the letter of transmittal that accompanies a report,
it is permissible to talk about your feelings about doing the work. But even
other readers in your own organization are primarily interested in their own
concerns, not in your feelings.
Don’t talk about the reader’s feelings, either. It’s distancing to have someone
else tell us how we feel—especially if the writer is wrong.
Lacks you-attitude: You’ll be happy to hear that Open Grip Walkway Channels meet
OSHA requirements.
You-attitude: Open Grip Walkway Channels meet OSHA requirements.
You-Attitude Maybe the reader expects that anything you sell would meet government reg-
with ulations (OSHA—the Occupational Safety and Health Administration—is a
International
Audiences
federal agency). The reader may even be disappointed if he or she expected
higher standards. Simply explain the situation or describe a product’s features;
When you communicate with don’t predict the reader’s response.
international audiences, look at When you have good news for the reader, simply give the good news.
the world from their point of
view. Lacks you-attitude: You’ll be happy to hear that your scholarship has been renewed.
The United States is in the You-attitude: Congratulations! Your scholarship has been renewed.
middle of most of the maps
sold in the United States. It isn’t 4. In positive situations, use you more often than I. Use we when it
in the middle of maps sold
elsewhere in the world.
includes the reader.
The United States clings to a Whenever possible, focus on the reader, not on you or your company.
measurement system that has
been abandoned by most of Lacks you-attitude: We provide health insurance to all employees.
the world. When you write for You-attitude: You receive health insurance as a full-time Procter & Gamble
international audiences, use the employee.
metric system.
Even pronouns and direction Most readers are tolerant of the word I in e-mail messages, which seem like
words need attention. We may conversation. Edit paper documents to use I rarely if at all. I suggests that
not feel inclusive to readers you’re concerned about personal issues, not about the organization’s prob-
with different assumptions and lems, needs, and opportunities. We works well when it includes the reader.
backgrounds. Here won’t mean Avoid we if it excludes the reader (as it would in a letter to a customer or sup-
the same thing to a reader in plier or as it might in a memo about what we in management want you to do).
Bonn as it does to one in
Boulder.
5. In negative situations, avoid the word you. Protect the reader’s
ego. Use passive verbs and impersonal expressions to avoid
assigning blame.
When you report bad news or limitations, use a noun for a group of which the
reader is a part instead of you so readers don’t feel that they’re singled out for
bad news.
Lacks you-attitude: You must get approval from the director before you publish any
articles or memoirs based on your work in the agency.
You-attitude: Agency personnel must get approval from the director to publish
any articles or memoirs based on their work at the agency.
Use passive verbs and impersonal expressions to avoid blaming the reader.
Passive verbs describe the action performed on something, without necessar-
ily saying who did it. (See Chapter 4 ➠ for a full discussion of passive verbs.)
Impersonal expressions omit people and talk only about things.
In most cases, active verbs are better. But when your reader is at fault, pas-
sive verbs may be useful to avoid assigning blame.
Normally, writing is most lively when it’s about people—and most interest-
ing to readers when it’s about them. When you have to report a mistake or bad
news, however, you can protect the reader’s ego by using an impersonal ex-
pression, one in which things, not people, do the acting.
Lacks you-attitude: You made no allowance for inflation in your estimate.
You-attitude (passive): No allowance for inflation has been made in this estimate.
You-attitude (impersonal): This estimate makes no allowance for inflation.
A purist might say that impersonal expressions are illogical: an estimate, for
example, is inanimate and can’t “make” anything. In the pragmatic world of
business writing, however, impersonal expressions often help you convey crit-
icism tactfully.
You-Attitude beyond the Sentence Level You-Attitude

on the Web*
Good messages apply you-attitude beyond the sentence level by using content
and organization as well as style to build goodwill.
To create goodwill with content, You-attitude means seeing
■ Be complete. When you have lots of information to give, consider putting things from the audience’s point
some details in an appendix, which may be read later. of view. GE Polymerland, which
sells plastic pellets that
■ Anticipate and answer questions the reader is likely to have. become CD cases, car
■ When you include information the reader didn’t ask for, show why it is bumpers, and bedpans, has
important. created a profitable Web site
■ Show readers how the subject of your message affects them. by making life easier for its
customers.
To organize information to build goodwill, On the Web, customers can
■ search for plastics by name,
Put information readers are most interested in first.
number, or characteristics and
■ Arrange information to meet your reader’s needs, not yours. download the certification
■ Use headings and lists so that the reader can find key points quickly. sheets that specify the
characteristics of each plastic.
Consider the letter in Figure 2.1. As the red marginal notes indicate, many Downloading a new
individual sentences in this letter lack you-attitude. Fixing individual sen- certification sheet let one client
tences could improve the letter. However, it really needs to be totally rewritten. complete an overnight job
Figure 2.2 shows a possible revision of this letter. The revision is when he couldn’t find his
clearer, easier to read, and friendlier. Check the BAC Web site for an- original copy of the information.
other example of a letter revised to improve you-attitude. Letting customers find fast,
accurate information is good for
the company, too. Online
Positive Emphasis orders cut the company’s costs
Some negatives are necessary. As Stephen Hlibok points out, when you have 3 to 4%. Online sales were
bad news to give the reader—announcements of layoffs, product defects and expected to bring in more than
$1.5 billion in 2001. But, as
recalls, price increases—straightforward negatives build credibility. (See Chap-
Peter Foss, President of GE
ter 8 ➠ on how to present bad news.) Sometimes negatives are needed to make Polymerland, says, “We didn’t
people take a problem seriously. Wall Data improved the reliability of its com- do all of this because it was the
puter programs when it eliminated the term bugs and used instead the term next big thing. We did it
failures. In some messages, such as disciplinary notices and negative perfor- because it seemed like a great
mance appraisals, your purpose is to deliver a rebuke with no alternative. Even way to serve our customers.”
here, avoid insults or global attacks on the reader’s integrity or sanity. Being *Based on Cheryl Dahle,
honest about the drawbacks of a job reduces turnover. And sometimes nega- “Adventures in Polymerland,” Fast
tives create a “reverse psychology” that makes people look favorably at your Company, May 2000, 353–61.
product. Rent-a-Wreck is thriving. (The cars really don’t look so bad.)3
But in most situations, it’s better to be positive. Annette N. Shelby and
N. Lamar Reinsch, Jr., found that business people responded more positively
to positive than to negative language and were more likely to say they would
act on a positively worded request.4 Martin Seligman’s research for Met Life
found that optimistic salespeople sold 37% more insurance than pessimistic
colleagues. As a result, Met Life began hiring optimists even when they failed
to meet the company’s other criteria. These “unqualified” optimists outsold
pessimists 21% in their first year and 57% in the next.5
Positive emphasis is a way of looking at things. Is the bottle half empty or
half full? You can create positive emphasis with the words, information, orga-
nization, and layout you choose.
Create positive emphasis by using the following five techniques:
1. Avoid negative words and words with negative connotations.
2. State information positively. Focus on what the reader can do rather than
on what you won’t or can’t let the reader do.
3. Justify negative information by giving a reason or linking it to a reader benefit.
FIGURE 2.1 A Letter Lacking You-Attitude
SIMMONS 450 INDUSTRIAL PARK

CLEVELAND, OH 44120
(216) 555-4670
STRUCTURAL STEEL FAX: (216) 555-4672
December 11, 2003
Ms. Carol McFarland

Rollins Equipment Corporation
18438 East Night Hawk Way
Phoenix, AZ 85043-7800
tic
galis
Dear Ms. McFarland: Le
Not
you- We are now ready to issue a check to Rollins Equipment in the amount of
attitude $14,207.02. To receive said check, you will deliver to me a release of the
mechanic's liens in the amount of $14,207.02. Sounds dictatorial
Lacks you-attitude
s e s on Before we can release the check, we must be satisfied that the release is in the
u
Foc ative proper form. We must insist that we be provided with a stamped original of the
neg lien indicating the document number in the appropriate district court where it
is filed. Also, either the release must be executed by an officer of Rollins
Equipment, or we must be provided with a letter from an officer of Rollins Hard to
Equipment authorizing another individual to execute the release. read,
remember
Please contact the undersigned so that an appointment can be scheduled for
this transaction.
Jargon
Sincerely,
Kelly J. Pickett
Kelly J. Pickett
4. If the negative is truly unimportant, omit it.

5. Put the negative information in the middle and present it compactly.
Now, let’s see how to apply each of these techniques.

Figure 2.3 lists some common negative words. If you find one of these words
in a draft, try to substitute a more positive word. When you must use a nega-
tive, use the least negative term that will convey your meaning.
FIGURE 2.2 A Letter Revised to Improve You-Attitude
SIMMONS 450 INDUSTRIAL PARK

CLEVELAND, OH 44120
(216) 555-4670
STRUCTURAL STEEL FAX: (216) 555-4672
December 11, 2003
Ms. Carol McFarland

Rollins Equipment Corporation
18438 East Night Hawk Way
Phoenix, AZ 85043-7800 the view
o m f
h
it t fr to
r t s w poin poin
Dear Ms. McFarland: Sta ain der's
m ea
r
s Let's clear up the lien in the Allen contract.
use
Foc what
on der Rollins will receive a check for $14,207.02 when you give us a release for the
rea ts
ge mechanic's lien of $14,207.02. To assure us that the release is in the proper form,
it
akes
List m see that o
1. Give us a stamped original of the lien indicating the document's district asy to do tw
court number, and
e
n e e ds to that
r
readeings—and can
th econ
d
2. Either the s done in
a. Have an officer of Rollins Equipment sign the release be ays.
or two w
b. Give us a letter from a Rollins officer authorizing someone else to sign
the release.
izes
Call me to tell me which way is best for you. Emphas s
reader'
Sincerely, choice
Kelly J. Pickett s
er make .
n numb e
Kelly J. Pickett Extensio reader to phon
s y fo r
Extension 5318 it ea
The following examples show how to replace negative words with positive words.
Negative: We have failed to finish taking inventory.
Better: We haven’t finished taking inventory.
Still better: We will be finished taking inventory Friday.
Negative: If you can’t understand this explanation, feel free to call me.
Better: If you have further questions, just call me.
Still better: Omit the sentence.
The Wait from FIGURE 2.3 Negative Words to Avoid

This Point*
afraid error lacking trivial

anxious except loss trouble
Waiting is a negative word and
a negative experience. Disney avoid fail wait
Some mis-
World’s FASTPASS system bad fault words: weakness
reduces the experience. But careless fear worry
misfortune
when waiting is necessary,
damage hesitate mistake wrong
Disney World uses the negative
word to create reverse delay ignorant missing Many un- words:
psychology that results in a delinquent ignore neglect
positive feeling. Helpful signs unclear
deny impossible never
tell you how long the wait will unfair
difficulty no
be from various points in line. If Many in- words: unfortunate
you’re not ready to wait that not
Some dis- inadequate unfortunately
long, you leave.
words: incomplete objection unpleasant
If you do stay in line, you’ll be
pleasantly surprised: the line disapprove inconvenient problem unreasonable
will move faster than dishonest insincere reject unreliable
advertised. dissatisfied sorry
injury unsure
The signs deliberately
eliminate terrible
overstate the wait. Recently, the
sign at the Indiana Jones
Adventure ride advised a wait If a sentence has two negatives, substitute one positive term.
of 25 minutes. It actually took
less than 20. Negative: Never fail to back up your disks.
“It’s part of the psychology,” Better: Always back up your disks.
says Tony Baxter, Vice
President of Conceptual When you must use a negative term, use the least negative word that is
Development at Disney’s accurate.
imagineering unit.
Negative: Your balance of $835 is delinquent.
*Based on Jeff Rowe, “Waiting in
Line Is All Part of the Amusement at Better: Your balance of $835 is past due.
Theme Parks,” The Columbus
Dispatch, June 14, 1996, 1C; and Getting rid of negatives has the added benefit of making what you write eas-
Walt Disney World, “Parks & More: ier to understand. Sentences with three or more negatives are very hard to
Disney’s FASTPASS,” understand.6
disneyworld.disney.go.com/
waltdisneyworld/parksandmore/ Beware of hidden negatives: words that are not negative in themselves but
fastpass; visited site August 29, become negative in context. But and however indicate a shift, so, after a positive
2001. statement, they are negative. I hope and I trust that suggest that you aren’t sure.
Patience may sound like a virtue, but it is a necessary virtue only when things
are slow. Even positives about a service or product may backfire if they suggest
that in the past the service or product was bad.
Negative: I hope this is the information you wanted.
[Implication: I’m not sure.]
Better: Enclosed is a brochure about road repairs scheduled for 2004–06.
Still better: The brochure contains a list of all roads and bridges scheduled for repair
during 2004–06. Call Gwen Wong at 555-3245 for specific dates when
work will start and stop and for alternate routes.
Negative: Please be patient as we switch to the automated system.

[Implication: You can expect problems.]
Better: If you have questions during our transition to the automated system, call
Melissa Morgan.
Still better: You’ll be able to get information instantly about any house on the market
when the automated system is in place. If you have questions during the
transition, call Melissa Morgan.
Negative: Now Crispy Crunch tastes better. Truth Can Be

[Implication: it used to taste terrible.] Spoken in
Different Ways*
Better: Now Crispy Crunch tastes even better.
Removing negatives does not mean being arrogant or pushy. One Iranian told a fable of an
Negative: I hope that you are satisfied enough to place future orders. ancient king who had an
ominous dream. In the dream
Arrogant: I look forward to receiving all of your future business. the king saw himself aged and
Better: Call Mercury whenever you need computer chips. afflicted, with decaying and
falling teeth. Calling together
When you eliminate negative words, be sure to maintain accuracy. Words his court astrologers for an
that are exact opposites will usually not be accurate. Instead, use specifics to be interpretation, the shaken king
both positive and accurate. heard the first say, “Your
Majesty, I regret to tell you that
Negative: The exercycle is not guaranteed for life.
the interpretation must be bad.
Not true: The exercycle is guaranteed for life. The dream means that you will
True: The exercycle is guaranteed for 10 years. die within a year.” In a rage the
king threw the brash astrologer
Negative: Customers under 60 are not eligible for the Prime Time discount. out of his court and turned to
Not true: You must be over 60 to be eligible for the Prime Time discount. the second man.
The second astrologer said,
True: If you’re 60 or older, you can save 10% on all your purchases with “Your Majesty, it is good news,
RightWay’s Prime Time discount. the very best. It means that all
Legal phrases also have negative connotations for most readers and should your programs and projects will
live on after you, and all your
be avoided whenever possible. The idea will sound more positive if you use
sons and daughters will survive
normal English. you.” The king, who was old
Negative: If your account is still delinquent, a second, legal notice will be sent to you and knew he might die soon,
informing you that cancellation of your policy will occur 30 days after the nevertheless was pleased with
date of the legal notice if we do not receive your check. this interpretation and richly
rewarded the astrologer.
*Quoted from John P. Fieg and John

G. Blair, There Is a Difference: 12
Intercultural Perspectives
(Washington, DC: Meridian House
International, 1975), 83.
Some stores might say, “Put

books you don’t want here.”
But Bookseller Joseph Best in
Lexington, KY, uses positive
emphasis.
Side Effects? Better: Even if your check is lost in the mail and never reaches us, you still have a
What Side 30-day grace period. If you do get a second notice, you will know that your
Effects?* payment hasn’t reached us. To keep your account in good standing, stop
payment on the first check and send a second one.
The US Food and Drug
Administration (FDA) requires 2. Focus on what the reader can do rather than on limitations.
full-length ads recommending
specific drugs for specific Eliminate double negatives. When there are limits, or some options are closed,
medical conditions to list major focus on the alternatives that remain.
side effects. Some products
Negative: We will not allow you to charge more than $1,500 on your VISA account.
attempt to get around the rule
by preparing two short ads. Better: You can charge $1,500 on your new VISA card.
A Xenical TV ad discusses or: Your new VISA card gives you $1,500 in credit that you can use at
obesity, morphing a chubby thousands of stores nationwide.
baby into a heavyset woman. It
doesn’t name the drug. The As you focus on what will happen, check for you-attitude. In the last ex-
second ad uses the same ample, “We will allow you to charge $1,500” would be positive, but it lacks
images and music and names you-attitude.
the drug, but says nothing When you have a benefit and a requirement the reader must meet to get the
about losing weight. The ads benefit, the sentence is usually more positive if you put the benefit first.
total 45 seconds, as long as
some “full-length” TV ads, but Negative: You will not qualify for the student membership rate of $25 a year unless
never mention the side effects. you are a full-time student.
Claritin used the same Better: You get all the benefits of membership for only $25 a year if you’re a full-
technique in magazine ads
time student.
picturing celebrity Joan
Lunden. A first small ad says in
large type, “Joan Clears the Air
3. Justify negative information by giving a reason or linking it to a
About Seasonal Allergies.” No reader benefit.
product is mentioned. The
second small ad reads, “Joan
A reason can help your reader see that the information is necessary; a bene-
Lunden Asks: Curious about
fit can suggest that the negative aspect is outweighed by positive factors. Be
Claritin?” Neither ad mentions careful, however, to make the logic behind your reason clear and to leave no
side effects. loopholes.
The FDA declared the Claritin
Negative: We cannot sell computer disks in lots of less than 10.
ads “misleading” and forced
the company to stop using Loophole: To keep down packaging costs and to help you save on shipping and
them. The FDA is exploring the handling costs, we sell computer disks in lots of 10 or more.
issues in TV ads and may end
up rewriting its rules.
Suppose the customer says, “I’ll pay the extra shipping and handling. Send
But whether the rules change
me seven.” If you can’t or won’t sell in lots of less than 10, you need to write:
or not, it isn’t ethical to omit Better: To keep down packaging costs and to help customers save on shipping
negatives if customers need and handling costs, we sell computer disks only in lots of 10 or more.
the information to make
decisions. If you link the negative element to a benefit, be sure it is a benefit the reader
*Based on Chris Adams, “Xenical
will acknowledge. Avoid telling people that you’re doing things “for their own
Ads Avoid Listing Unpleasant Side good.” They may have a different notion of what their own good is. You may
Effects,” The Wall Street Journal, think you’re doing customers a favor by limiting their credit so they don’t get
April 3, 2001, B1, B6.
in over their heads and go bankrupt. They may think they’d be better off with
more credit so they could expand in hopes of making more sales and more
profits.

Omit negatives only when
■ The reader does not need the information to make a decision.
■ You have already given the reader the information and he or she has access
to the previous communication.
■ The information is trivial.
The following examples suggest the kind of negatives you can omit: A Soft Answer
Turneth Away
Negative: A one-year subscription to PC Magazine is $49.97. That rate is not as low Lawsuits*
as the rates charged for some magazines.
Better: A one-year subscription to PC Magazine is $49.97. Lawyers usually tell individuals
Still better: A one-year subscription to PC Magazine is $49.97. You save 43% off the and companies not to admit
newsstand price of $87.78. liability, lest the admission
become evidence in a lawsuit
Negative: If you are not satisfied with Interstate Fidelity Insurance, you do not have for damages. Maybe that’s
to renew your policy. good advice in major crises
where the CEO has a
Better: Omit the sentence.
responsibility to stockholders to
reduce the company’s legal
5. Put the negative information in the middle and present it compactly. liability.
But one soft drink company
The beginning and end are always positions of emphasis. Use these positions found that sincere apologies
for ideas you want to emphasize. Put negatives in the middle of a paragraph satisfied people, so they
rather than in the first or last sentence and in the middle of the message rather didn’t sue.
than in the first or last paragraphs. The company had a spate of
When a letter or memo runs several pages, remember that the bottom of the complaints about exploding
first page is also a position of emphasis, even if it is in the middle of a para- bottles. But instead of giving
graph, because of the extra white space of the bottom margin. (The first page people a form to fill out and
gets more attention because it is on top and the reader’s eye may catch lines of saying, “Contact our risk
department,” service
the message even when he or she isn’t consciously reading it; the tops and bot-
representatives were told to
toms of subsequent pages don’t get this extra attention.) If possible, avoid plac-
empathize and apologize.
ing negative information at the bottom of the first page. The company’s liability
Giving a topic lots of space emphasizes it. Therefore, you can de-emphasize expenses went down $2 million
negative information by giving it as little space as possible. Give negative in- in a year.
formation only once in your message. Don’t list negatives vertically on the
*Based on Cynthia Crossen, “The
page since lists take space and emphasize material. Simple Apology after Poor Service
Is in Very Sorry State,” The Wall
Street Journal, November 29, 1990,
Tone, Power, and Politeness B8; and Lisa Tyler, “Liability Means
Never Being Able to Say You’re
Tone is the implied attitude of the writer toward the reader. If the words of a Sorry: Corporate Guilt, Legal
document seem condescending or rude, tone is a problem. Tone is tricky be- Constraints, and Defensiveness in
Corporate Communication,”
cause it interacts with power: the words that might seem friendly from a su- Management Communication
perior to a subordinate may seem uppity if used by the subordinate to the su- Quarterly 11, no. 1 (August 1997):
perior. Norms for politeness are cultural and generational. Language that is 51–73.
acceptable within one group may be unacceptable if used by someone outside

the group.
The desirable tone for business writing is businesslike but not stiff, friendly
but not phony, confident but not arrogant, polite but not groveling. The fol-
lowing guidelines will help you achieve the tone you want.
■ Use courtesy titles for people outside your organization whom you don’t
know well. Most US organizations use first names for everyone, whatever
their age or rank. But many people don’t like being called by their first
names by people they don’t know or by someone much younger. When you
talk or write to people outside your organization, use first names only if
you’ve established a personal relationship. If you don’t know someone
well, use a courtesy title:
Dear Mr. Reynolds:
Dear Ms. Lee:
■ Be aware of the power implications of the words you use. “Thank you for
your cooperation” is generous coming from a superior to a subordinate; it’s
not appropriate in a message to your superior.
Different ways of asking for action carry different levels of politeness.7
Positive Order: Turn in your time card by Monday.

Emphasis (lowest politeness)
in Canada*
Polite order: Please turn in your time card by Monday.
(midlevel politeness)
In the United States, ask
Indirect request: Time cards should be turned in by Monday.
someone “How are you?” and
you’ll probably get the standard
(higher politeness)
response: “Fine, thank you” or Question: Would you be able to turn in your time card by Monday?
even “Terrific!” In Canada, the (highest politeness)
standard response is “Not
bad.” Higher levels of politeness may be unclear. In some cases, a question may
The words that create seem like a request for information to which it’s acceptable to answer, “No, I
goodwill vary from culture to can’t.” In other cases, it will be an order, simply phrased in polite terms.
culture. Canadians—like You need more politeness if you’re asking for something that will inconve-
people in Great Britain, New nience the reader and help you more than the person who does the action. Gen-
Zealand, and other erally, you need less politeness when you’re asking for something small, rou-
Commonwealth countries— tine, or to the reader’s benefit. Some discourse communities, however, prefer
tend to understate and that even small requests be made politely.
downplay. As a result, positive
emphasis will be a bit less Lower politeness: To start the scheduling process, please describe your availability
positive than it would be in the for meetings during the second week of the month.
United States.
Higher politeness: Could you let me know what times you’d be free for a meeting the
You-attitude takes
second week of the month?
precedence over every other
principle: use the language that Generally, requests sound friendliest when they use conversational lan-
works for your audience. guage.
*Based on Margot Northey,
personal communication, October
Poor tone: Return the draft with any changes by next Tuesday.
28, 1993, Montreal, Canada; and Better tone: Let me know by Tuesday whether you’d like any changes in the draft.
Roger Graves, “ ‘Dear Friend’(?):
Culture and Genre in American and ■ When the stakes are low, be straightforward. Messages that beat around
Canadian Direct Marketing Letters,”
The Journal of Business
the bush sound pompous and defensive.
Communication 34, no. 3 (July Poor tone: Distribution of the low-fat plain granola may be limited in your area.
1997): 235–52.
May we suggest that you discuss this matter with your store manager.
Better tone: Our low-fat granola is so popular that there isn’t enough to go around.
We’re expanding production to meet the demand. Ask your store
manager to keep putting in orders, so that your grocery is on the list of
stores that will get supplies when they become available.
or Store managers decide what to stock. If your store has stopped
carrying our low-fat granola, the store manager has stopped ordering
it. Talk to the manager. Managers try to meet customer needs, so if you
say something you’re more likely to get what you want.
■ When you must give bad news, consider hedging your statement. John
Hagge and Charles Kostelnick have shown that auditors’ suggestion letters
rarely say directly that firms are using unacceptable accounting practices.
Instead, they use three strategies to be more diplomatic: specifying the time
(“currently, the records are quite informal”), limiting statements (“it ap-
pears,” “it seems”), and using impersonal statements that do not specify
who caused a problem or who will perform an action.8
Reducing Bias in Business Communication

Everything we do in good business communication attempts to build good-
will. Bias-free language and bias-free visuals help sustain the goodwill we
work so hard to create.
Bias-free language is language that does not discriminate against people on
the basis of sex, physical condition, race, age, or any other category. It includes
all readers, helps to sustain goodwill, is fair and friendly, and complies with the R-E-S-P-E-C-T*
law. Bias-free language and visuals are also profitable. As Stephen Hlibok
points out, Merrill Lynch tapped into a new, underserved market when it es-
tablished its Deaf and Hard of Hearing Investors’ Services Division.
Check to be sure that your language is nonsexist, nonracist, and nonagist. Most major airlines and hotel
When you talk about people with disabilities or diseases, talk about the peo- chains provide disability
ple, not the condition. When you produce newsletters or other documents with training to employees. . . . I
recognize when someone has
photos and illustrations, choose a sampling of the whole population, not just
been trained—to offer me a
part of it.
Braille menu, use my name
when addressing me, or take a
Making Language Nonsexist moment to orient me to a new
environment. What I appreciate
Nonsexist language treats both sexes neutrally. Check to be sure that your even more, though, is . . .
writing is free from sexism in four areas: words and phrases, job titles, courtesy simple, common courtesy.
titles, and pronouns. I don’t care how many pages
in an employee manual
Words and phrases somewhere are devoted to . . .
the dos and don’ts of
If you find any of the terms in the first column in Figure 2.4 in your writing or interacting with someone who
your company’s documents, replace them with terms from the second column. is deaf, blind, or mentally
Not every word containing man is sexist. For example, manager is not sexist. retarded. Among hundreds of
The word comes from the Latin manus meaning hand; it has nothing to do with experiences in airports and
maleness. hotels, the one distinction that
Avoid terms that assume that everyone is married or is heterosexual. separates the (mostly) pleasing
from the (occasionally) painful
Biased: You and your husband or wife are cordially invited to the dinner. in my encounters has been the
Better: You and your guest are cordially invited to the dinner. honest friendliness and respect
with which I have or have not
been treated.
Job titles Ask me where I’d like to sit,
Use neutral titles which do not imply that a job is held only by men or only by whether I need help getting
women. Many job titles are already neutral: accountant, banker, doctor, engineer, there, and what other kinds of
inspector, manager, nurse, pilot, secretary, technician, to name a few. Other titles re- help I need.
Please, assume that I know
flect gender stereotypes and need to be changed.
more about my disability than
If you need a substitute for a traditional word, check the US Department of
anyone else ever could.
Labor’s Job Title Revisions to Eliminate Sex- and Age-Referent Language from the Respect me as you do any
Dictionary of Occupational Titles, 4th ed., 1991. other customer who is paying
for the same service, and have
the grace to apologize if
Instead of Use something does go wrong.
Businessman A specific title: executive, accountant, department head, owner of Too many companies, it
a small business, men and women in business, business person seems to me, are busy shaking
in their boots over the imagined
Chairman Chair, chairperson, moderator
high cost of accommodating
Foreman Supervisor (from Job Title Revisions) people with disabilities when, in
Salesman Salesperson, sales representative many instances, a good old-
Waitress Server fashioned refresher course in
manners would cover most
Woman lawyer Lawyer
bases.
Workman Worker, employee. Or use a specific title: crane operator,
*Quoted from Deborah Kendrick,
bricklayer, etc.
“Disabled Resent Being
Patronized,” Columbus Dispatch,
July 21, 1996, 3B.
Courtesy titles
Memos normally use first and last names without courtesy titles. Letters, how-
ever, require courtesy titles in the salutation unless you’re on a first-name basis
with your reader. (See Appendix A ➠ for examples of memo and letter formats.)
FIGURE 2.4 Getting Rid of Sexist Terms and Phrases

Instead of Use Because
The girl at the front desk The woman’s name or job Call female employees women just as you call male
title: “Ms. Browning,” employees men. When you talk about a specific
“Rosa,” “the receptionist” woman, use her name, just as you use a man’s name to
talk about a specific man.
The ladies on our staff The women on our staff Use parallel terms for males and females. Therefore, use
ladies only if you refer to the males on your staff as
gentlemen. Few businesses do, since social distinctions
are rarely at issue.
Manpower Personnel The power in business today comes from both women
Manhours Hours or worker hours and men. If you have to correspond with the US
Manning Staffing Department of Labor’s Division of Manpower
Administration, you are stuck with the term. When you
talk about other organizations, however, use nonsexist
alternatives.
Managers and their wives Managers and their guests Managers may be female; not everyone is married.
■ When you know your reader’s name and gender, use courtesy titles that do
not indicate marital status: Mr. for men and Ms. for women. There are, how-
ever, two exceptions:
1. If the woman has a professional title, use that title if you would use it
for a man.
Dr. Kristen Sorenson is our new company physician.
The Rev. Elizabeth Townsley gave the invocation.
2. If the woman prefers to be addressed as Mrs. or Miss, use the title she
prefers rather than Ms. (You-attitude takes precedence over nonsexist
language: address the reader as she—or he—prefers to be addressed.)
To find out if a woman prefers a traditional title,
a. Check the signature block in previous correspondence. If a woman
types her name as (Miss) Elaine Anderson or (Mrs.) Kay Royster, use
the title she designates.
b. Notice the title a woman uses in introducing herself on the phone.
If she says, “This is Robin Stine,” use Ms. when you write to her. If
she says, “I’m Mrs. Stine,” use the title she specifies.
c. Check your company directory. In some organizations, women who
prefer traditional titles can list them with their names.
d. When you’re writing job letters or crucial correspondence, call the
company and ask the receptionist which title your reader prefers.
Ms. is particularly useful when you do not know what a woman’s mari-
tal status is. However, even when you happen to know that a woman is
married or single, you still use Ms. unless you know that she prefers an-
other title.
In addition to using parallel courtesy titles, use parallel forms for names.
Not Parallel Parallel
Members of the committee will be Members of the committee will be
Mr. Jones, Mr. Yacone, and Lisa. Mr. Jones, Mr. Yacone, and Ms. Melton.
or
Members of the committee will be Irving,
Ted, and Lisa.
■ When you know your reader’s name but not the gender, either Ms. in Any
Language*
1. Call the company and ask the receptionist, or
2. Use the reader’s full name in the salutation:
Dear Chris Crowell: Other countries are also
Dear J. C. Meath: developing nonsexist courtesy
■ When you know neither the reader’s name nor gender, you have three options: titles for women.
1. Use a letter format that omits the salutation. The AMS Simplified letter ■ United States
format (see Appendix A) includes the inside address and uses a subject Miss
line but omits the salutation and complimentary close. Mrs.
SUBJECT: RECOMMENDATION FOR BEN WANDELL Ms.
2. Use the reader’s position or job title: ■ France
Dear Loan Officer: Mademoiselle (Mlle.)

Madame (Mme.)
Dear Registrar:
Mad.
3. Use a general group to which your reader belongs:
■ Spain
Dear Investor:
Señorita (Srta.)
Dear Admissions Committee:
Señora (Sra.)
Terms that are meant to be positive (Dear Careful Shopper: or Dear Con- Sa.
cerned Citizen:) may backfire if readers see them as manipulative flattery. ■ Denmark
Although many people claim to dislike Dear Friend: as a salutation in a form Frøken
letter, research shows that letters using it bring in a higher response than let- Fru
ters with no salutation. Fr.
■ Japan
Pronouns
San
When you write about a specific person, use the appropriate gender pronouns: San
In his speech, John Jones said that . . . San
In her speech, Judy Jones said that . . . *Based on Mary Ritchie Key, Male/
Female Language (Metuchen, NJ:
When you are writing not about a specific person but about anyone who Scarecrow Press, 1975), 50; John
may be in a given job or position, traditional gender pronouns are sexist. C. Condon and Fathi Yousef, An
Introduction to Intercultural
Sexist: a. Each supervisor must certify that the time sheet for his department is correct. Communication (Indianapolis:
Bobbs-Merrill, 1975), 50; and Silvia
Sexist: b. When the nurse fills out the accident report form, she should send one Fuduric, Letter to the Author,
copy to the Central Division Office. January 19, 1998.
There are four ways to eliminate sexist generic pronouns: use plurals, use
second-person you, revise the sentence to omit the pronoun, or use pronoun pairs.
Whenever you have a choice of two or more ways to make a phrase or sentence
nonsexist, choose the alternative that is the smoothest and least conspicuous.
The following examples use these methods to revise sentences a and b above.
1. Use plural nouns and pronouns.
Nonsexist: a. Supervisors must certify that the time sheets for their departments
are correct.
Note: When you use plural nouns and pronouns, other words in the sen-
tence may need to be made plural too. In the example above, plural su-
pervisors have plural time sheets and departments.
Avoid mixing singular nouns and plural pronouns.
Nonsexist but lacks agreement: a. Each supervisor must certify that the time sheet
for their department is correct.
Since supervisor is singular, it is incorrect to use the plural their to refer to it.
The resulting lack of agreement is acceptable orally but is not yet accept-
able to many readers in writing. Instead, use one of the four grammatically
correct ways to make the sentence nonsexist.
Attempts To 2. Use you.

Create a
Unisex Nonsexist: a. You must certify that the time sheet for your department is correct.
Pronoun* Nonsexist: b. When you fill out an accident report form, send one copy to the
Central Division Office.
For 150 years, people have
attempted to coin a unisex You is particularly good for instructions and statements of the responsibil-
pronoun. None of the attempts ities of someone in a given position. Using you also may shorten sentences,
has been successful. since you write “Send one copy” instead of “You should send one copy.” It
he his him also makes your writing more direct.
Date or she or her or her 3. Substitute an article (a, an, or the) for the pronoun, or revise the sentence so
1850 ne nis nim that the pronoun is unnecessary.
1884 le lis lim
Nonsexist: a. The supervisor must certify that the time sheet for the department is
1938 se sim sis
correct.
1970 ve vis ver
1977 e e’s em Nonsexist: b. The nurse will
1988 ala alis alum 1. Fill out the accident report form.
*Based on Dennis E. Baron, “The
2. Send one copy of the form to the Central Division Office.
Epicene Pronoun: The Word That
Failed,” American Speech 56
4. When you must focus on the action of an individual, use pronoun pairs.
(1981): 83–97; and Ellen Graham, Nonsexist: a. The supervisor must certify that the time sheet for his or her
“Business Bulletin,” The Wall Street
department is correct.
Journal, December 29, 1988, A1.
Nonsexist: b. When the nurse fills out the accident report form, he or she should
send one copy to the Central Division Office.
Making Language Nonracist and Nonagist

Language is nonracist and nonagist when it treats all races and ages fairly,
avoiding negative stereotypes of any group. Use these guidelines to check for
bias in documents you write or edit:
■ Give someone’s race or age only if it is relevant to your story. When you
do mention these characteristics, give them for everyone in your story—not
just the non-Caucasian, non-young-to-middle-aged adults you mention.
■ Refer to a group by the term it prefers. As preferences change, change
your usage. Fifty years ago, Negro was preferred as a more dignified term
than colored for African Americans. As times changed, Black and African
American replaced it. Surveys in the mid-1990s showed that almost half of
blacks aged 40 and older preferred Black, but those 18 to 39 pre-
ferred African American.9
Oriental has now been replaced by Asian.
The term Latino is the most acceptable group term to re-
fer to Mexican Americans, Cuban Americans, Puerto Ri-
cans, Dominicans, Brazilianos, and other people with Cen-
tral and Latin American backgrounds. (Latina is the term
for an individual woman.) Better still is to refer to the pre-
cise group. The differences among various Latino groups
are at least as great as the differences among Italian Amer-
icans, Irish Americans, Armenian Americans, and others
descended from various European groups.
Eskimo is the accepted term for native people in Alaska.
However, First Nation people in Canada prefer the term
InSite Inuit, which means the people.
www.serviceintelligence.com/index.html Older people and mature customers are more generally ac-
cepted terms than Senior Citizens or Golden Agers.
You-attitude, positive emphasis, and bias-free
language build goodwill with words, just as service, ■ Avoid terms that suggest that competent people are un-
quality, and reliability build goodwill with actions. usual. The statement “She is an intelligent black woman”
Technology helps blind

people contribute fully as
members of the workforce.
This Braille keyboard allows a
computer engineer to key in
commands and data.
Computer programs such as
JAWS can read computer
screens out loud.
suggests that the writer expects most black women to be stupid. “He is an
asset to his race” suggests that excellence in the race is rare. “He is a spry
70-year-old” suggests that the writer is amazed that anyone that old can
still move.
Talking about People with Disabilities and Diseases

A disability is a physical, mental, sensory, or emotional impairment that inter-
feres with the major tasks of daily living. According to the US Census Bureau,
21% of Americans currently have a disability; the number of people with dis-
abilities will rise as the population ages.10
■ People-first language focuses on the person, not the condition. People-
first language names the person first, then adds the condition. Use it in-
stead of the traditional noun phrases that imply the condition defines the
person.
Instead of Use Because
The mentally retarded People with mental The condition does not define
retardation the person or his or her
potential.
Cancer patients People being treated
for cancer
■ Avoid negative terms, unless the audience prefers them. You-attitude

takes precedence over positive emphasis: use the term a group prefers. Peo-
ple who lost their hearing as infants, children, or young adults often prefer
to be called deaf, or Deaf in recognition of Deafness as a culture. But people
who lose their hearing as older adults often prefer to be called hard of hear-
ing, even when their hearing loss is just as great as that of someone who
identifies him- or herself as part of the Deaf culture.
Just as people in a single ethnic group may prefer different labels based
on generational or cultural divides, so differences exist within the disability
Positive community. Several disabled people explain their choices in the video
Emphasis Is clip on the BAC Web site.
Good for Your
Health*
Using the right term requires keeping up with changing preferences.
If your target audience is smaller than the whole group, use the term preferred
According to a 30-year study by that audience, even if the group as a whole prefers another term.
by the Mayo Clinic, optimists Some negative terms, however, are never appropriate. Negative terms such
live almost 20% longer than as afflicted, suffering from, and struck down also suggest an outdated view of any
pessimists. Optimists are better
illness as a sign of divine punishment.
at coping with stress and have
more disease-fighting T-cells. Instead of Use Because
Optimists and pessimists tell
themselves different stories. Confined to a Uses a wheelchair Wheelchairs enable people to escape
Optimists feel powerful; wheelchair confinement.
pessimists feel doomed. When AIDS victim Person with AIDS Someone can have a disease without being
bad things happen, pessimists victimized by it.
believe the cause is Abnormal Atypical People with disabilities are atypical but not
permanent. Optimists, in necessarily abnormal.
contrast, believe that the cause
is temporary or an aberration—
a disruption of normally good
progress.
Choosing Bias-Free Photos and Illustrations
Experts believe we can learn When you produce a document with photographs or illustrations, check the vi-
to be optimistic. If you tend to suals for possible bias. Do they show people of both sexes and all races? Is there
be pessimistic, a sprinkling of various kinds of people (younger and older, people using
■ Set realistic goals so that wheelchairs, etc.)? It’s OK to have individual pictures that have just one sex or
you can succeed. one race; the photos as a whole do not need to show exactly 50% men and 50%
■ Look for lessons. When you women. But the general impression should suggest that diversity is welcome
learn something from a bad and normal.
experience, you can Check relationships and authority figures as well as numbers. If all the men
change the way you
appear in business suits and the women in maids’ uniforms, the pictures are
respond in the future.
sexist even if an equal number of men and women are pictured. If the only
■ Look for silver linings.
blacks and Latinos pictured are factory workers, the photos support racism
■ Think happy thoughts. When even when an equal number of people from each race are shown.
something minor goes
In 1997, as Marilyn Dyrud has shown, only 22% of the images of humans in
wrong, focus on a good
clip art files were women, and most of those showed women in traditional
memory.
roles. An even smaller percent pictured members of minority groups.11 Don’t
■ Smile. Smiling—even when
use biased clip art or stock photos: create your own bias-free illustrations.
you don’t initially feel
happy—can improve your
mood. Summary of Key Points
*Based on Donald D. Hensrud, ■
“How to Live Longer (and Love It),”
You-attitude is a style of writing that looks at things from the reader’s point
Fortune, April 30, 2001, 210; and of view, emphasizing what the reader wants to know, respecting the
Judith Newman, “Sailing Through reader’s intelligence, and protecting the reader’s ego.
the Blues,” Reader’s Digest,
January 2001, 145–48. 1. Talk about the reader, not about yourself.
2. Refer to the reader’s request or order specifically.
3. Don’t talk about feelings except to congratulate or offer sympathy.
4. In positive situations, use you more often than I. Use we when it in-
cludes the reader.
5. In negative situations, avoid the word you. Protect the reader’s ego. Use
passive verbs and impersonal expressions to avoid assigning blame.
■ Apply you-attitude beyond the sentence level by using organization and
content as well as style to build goodwill.
■ Positive emphasis means focusing on the positive rather than the negative
aspects of a situation.
2. Focus on what the reader can do rather than on limitations.
3. Justify negative information by giving a reason or linking it to a reader

benefit.
5. Put the negative information in the middle and present it compactly.
■ The desirable tone for business writing is businesslike but not stiff, friendly
but not phony, confident but not arrogant, polite but not groveling. The fol-
lowing guidelines will help you achieve the tone you want:
■ Use courtesy titles for people outside your organization whom you
don’t know well.
■ Be aware of the power implications of the words you use.
■ When the stakes are low, be straightforward.
■ When you must give bad news, consider hedging your statement.
■ Writing should be free from sexism in four areas: words and phrases,
job titles, courtesy titles, and pronouns.
■ Ms. is the nonsexist courtesy title for women. Whether or not you know
a woman’s marital status, use Ms. unless the woman has a professional
title or unless you know that she prefers a traditional title.
■ Traditional pronouns are sexist when they refer to a class of people, not
to specific individuals. Four ways to make the sentence nonsexist are to
use plurals, to use you, to revise the sentence to omit the pronoun, and
to use pronoun pairs.
■ Bias-free language is fair and friendly; it complies with the law. It in-
cludes all readers; it helps to sustain goodwill.
■ Check to be sure that your language is nonsexist, nonracist, and nonag-
ist. When you talk about people with disabilities or diseases, use the
term they prefer. When you produce newsletters or other documents
with photos and illustrations, picture a sampling of the whole popula-
tion, not just part of it.
For a self-test on the concepts in this chapter, visit the BAC Web site.
CHAPTER 2 Exercises and Problems

Getting Started
2.1 Evaluating the Ethics of Positive Emphasis
The first term in each line below is negative; the second is tax user fee
a positive term that is sometimes substituted for it. Which nervousness adrenaline
of the positive terms seem ethical? Which seem unethi- problem challenge
cal? Briefly explain your choices.
price increase price change
junk bonds high-yield bonds
for-profit hospital tax-paying hospital
second mortgage home equity loan
2.2 Eliminating Negative Words and Words with Negative Connotations

Revise each of the following sentences to replace negative 3. When you write a report, do not make claims that
words with positive ones. Be sure to keep the meaning of you cannot support with evidence.
the original sentence. 4. Do not fail to back up your hard disk every day.
1. You will lose customer goodwill if you are slow in 5. I am anxious to discuss my qualifications in an
handling returns and issuing refunds. interview.
2. Do not put any paper in this box that is not
recyclable.
2.3 Using Passives and Impersonal Expressions to Improve You-Attitude

and Positive Emphasis
Revise each of these sentences to improve you-attitude 3. You did not send us your check.
and positive emphasis, first using a passive verb, then us- 4. You did not include all the necessary information in
ing an impersonal expression (one in which things, not your letter.
people, do the action). Are both revisions equally good? 5. By failing to build a fence around your pool, you
Why or why not? have allowed your property to violate city
1. You did not supply all of the information necessary regulations against health hazards.
to process your claim.
2. The credit card number you supplied has expired.
2.4 Focusing on the Positive

Revise each of the following sentences to focus on the op- 3. As a first-year employee, you are not eligible for
tions that remain, not those that are closed off. dental insurance.
1. Housing applications that arrive December 1 or 4. I will be out of the country October 25 to November
later cannot be processed. 10 and will not be able to meet with you then.
2. You cannot use flextime unless you have the 5. You will not get your first magazine for at least four
consent of your supervisor. weeks.
2.5 Identifying Hidden Negatives

Identify the hidden negatives in the following sentences 3. This publication is designed to explain how your
and revise to eliminate them. In some cases, you may company can start a recycling program.
need to add information to revise the sentence effectively. 4. I hope you find the information in this brochure
1. The seminar will help you become a better manager. beneficial to you and a valuable reference as you
2. Thank you for the confidence you have shown in us plan your move.
by ordering one of our products. It will be shipped 5. In thinking about your role in our group, I
to you soon. remember two occasions where you contributed
something.
2.6 Improving You-Attitude and Positive Emphasis

Revise these sentences to improve you-attitude and pos- have experience with e-mail, but at least I won’t be
itive emphasis. Eliminate any awkward phrasing. In behind.
some cases, you may need to add information to revise 7. I am anxious to discuss this problem with you.
the sentence effectively. 8. Medical certification can delay shutoff of electrical
1. We cannot provide vegetarian meals unless you let service for nonpayment of bills. If someone in your
us know at least three days in advance. home needs electricity to assure health and well-
2. We are pleased to provide free e-mail accounts to being, signing up for our medical certification will
students. delay disconnection for 30 days.
3. You’ll be happy to know that we have installed an 9. I had a difficult time evaluating the Web page. The
ATM for your convenience. sheer size of the site made it difficult to weed
4. We’re swamped. We won’t be able to get your through. After considerable time, I decided that,
order out to you until Friday morning. although it is huge, the site is thorough and well
5. If the above information is unclear, or if further designed.
information on this or any other topic is necessary, 10. We cannot process your request for a reservation
please do not hesitate to contact me. because some information is missing.
6. I have been using e-mail both in my internship and
in classes. I realize that almost everyone now does

Revise these sentences to improve you-attitude and pos- 6. We are in the process of upgrading our Web site.
itive emphasis. Eliminate any awkward phrasing. In Please bear with us.
some cases, you may need to add information to revise 7. You will be happy to hear that our cell phone plan
the sentence effectively. does not charge you for incoming calls.
1. Don’t drop in without an appointment. Your 8. The employee discount may only be used for
counselor or caseworker may be unavailable. purchases for your own use or for gifts; you may
2. Although I was only an intern and didn’t actually not buy items for resale. To prevent any abuse of
make presentations to major clients, I was required the discount privilege, you may be asked to justify
to prepare PowerPoint slides for the meetings and your purchase.
to answer some of the clients’ questions. 9. I apologize for my delay in answering your
3. At DiYanni homes we have more than 30 plans inquiry. The problem was that I had to check with
that we will personalize just for you. our suppliers to see whether we could provide the
4. Please notify the publisher of the magazine of your item in the quantity you say you want. We can.
change of address as soon as possible to prevent a 10. If you mailed a check with your order, as you
disruption of subscription service. claim, we failed to receive it.
5. I’m sorry you were worried. You did not miss the
deadline for signing up for a flexible medical
spending account.

Revise these sentences to improve you-attitude and pos- 6. Once you choose which days you want off, you
itive emphasis. Eliminate any awkward phrasing. In can’t change them after December 15 unless you
some cases, you may need to add information to revise have holidays remaining.
the sentence effectively. 7. Next Tuesday will not be a problem. Our service
1. The company cannot make its revenue goals crew is not overbooked and will not have trouble
without increasing sales in Japan. fitting you in.
2. We can arrange for our services to reach you 8. I realize that Wednesday at 10 AM is not a
within 24 hours. convenient time for everyone, but I was unable to
3. Starting January 1, the company will create a new arrange a time that is good for everyone.
program that lets full-time employees volunteer 9. You cannot accept gifts from anyone with whom
one hour a week on company time. you, as an employee of the Environmental
4. I’m very sorry that you were worried. I’m happy to Protection Agency, deal, because some citizen
tell you that our special offer has not yet expired. might suspect that your enforcement decision had
5. I hope this answers your question. If you still do been subject to undue influence.
not understand, do not fail to ask for more 10. If you supplied receipts with your request for
information. reimbursement, as you claim, they have been lost.
2.9 Eliminating Biased Language
Explain the source of bias in each of the following, and re- 6300 West Coronado Blvd.
vise to remove the bias. Los Angeles, CA
1. We recommend hiring Jim Ryan and Elizabeth Gentlemen:
Shuman. Both were very successful summer 6. Enrique Torres has very good people skills for a
interns. Jim drafted the report on using rap music man.
in ads, and Elizabeth really improved the looks of 7. Parenting 2000 shows you how to persuade your
the office. husband to do his share of child care chores.
2. All sales associates and their wives are invited to 8. Mr. Paez, Mr. O’Connor, and Tonya will represent
the picnic. our office at the convention.
3. Although he is blind, Mr. Morin is an excellent 9. Sue Corcoran celebrates her 50th birthday today.
group leader. Stop by her cubicle at noon to get a piece of cake
4. Unlike many blacks, Yvonne has extensive and to help us sing “The Old Grey Mare Just Ain’t
experience designing Web pages. What She Used to Be.”
5. Chris Renker 10. Because older customers tend to be really picky, we
Pacific Perspectives will need to give a lot of details in our ads.
E-Mail Messages
2.10 Advising a Hasty Subordinate
Three days ago, one of your subordinates forwarded to . . . ,” the message poked fun at Southern speech, atti-
everyone in the office a bit of e-mail humor he’d received tudes, and lifestyles. Today you get this message from
from a friend. Titled “You know you’re Southern when your subordinate:
Subject: Should I Apologize?
I’m getting flamed left and right because of the Southern message. I thought it was
funny, but some people just can’t take a joke. So far I’ve tried not to respond to the
flames, figuring that would just make things worse. But now I’m wondering if I should
apologize. What do you think?
Answer the message.
2.11 Responding to a Complaint

You’re Director of Corporate Communications; the em-
ployee newsletter is produced by your office. Today you
get this e-mail message from Caroline Huber:
Subject: Complaint about Sexist Language
The article about the “Help Desk” says that Martina Luna and I “are the key customer
service representatives ‘manning’ the desk.” I don’t MAN anything! I WORK.
Respond to Caroline. And send a message to your staff,

reminding them to edit newsletter stories as well as ex-
ternal documents to replace biased language.
Communicating at Work
2.12 Evaluating You-Attitude and Positive Emphasis in Documents
That Cross Your Desk
Identify three sentences from items that cross your desk As Your Instructor Directs,
that use (or should use) you-attitude and positive em- a. Turn in the sentences and revisions.
phasis. If the sentences are good, write them down or at- b. Share the sentences and revisions with the class in a
tach a copy of the document(s) marking the sentence(s) in brief oral presentation.
the margin. If the sentences need work, provide both the
c. Discuss the sentences and revisions with a group of
original sentence and a possible revision.
students. What patterns do you see?
Letter and Memo Assignments

2.13 Evaluating Bias in Visuals
Evaluate the portrayals of people in one of the following: Do the visuals show people of both sexes and all races? Is
■ Ads in one issue of a business magazine there a sprinkling of people of various ages and physical
■ A company’s annual report conditions? What do the visuals suggest about who has
power?
■ A company’s Web page.
As Your Instructor Directs, d. Present your findings in an oral presentation to the

a. Share your findings orally with a small group of students. class.
b. Post your findings in an e-mail to the class. e. Join with a small group of students to create a written
c. Summarize your findings in a memo to your instructor. report.
2.14 Revising a Memo

Revise the following memo to improve you-attitude and
positive emphasis.
Subject: Status of Building Renovations
We are happy to announce that the renovation of the lobby is not behind schedule. By
Monday, October 9, we should be ready to open the west end of the lobby to limited
traffic.
The final phase of the renovation will be placing a new marble floor in front of the ele-
vators. This work will not be finished until the end of the month.
We will attempt to schedule most of the work during the evenings so that normal busi-
ness is not disrupted.
Please exercise caution when moving through the construction area. The floor will be
uneven and steps will be at unusual heights. Watch your step to avoid accidental trip-
ping or falling.
2.15 Revising a Form Letter
You’ve taken a part-time job at a store that sells fine jewelry. Rewrite the letter. Use square brackets for material
In orientation, the manager tells you that the store pho- (like the customer’s name) that would have to be inserted
tographs jewelry it sells or appraises and mails the photo in the form letter to vary it for a specific customer. Add
as a goodwill gesture after the transaction. However, when information that would help build goodwill.
you see the form letter, you know that it doesn’t build
much goodwill—and you say so. The manager says, “Well,
you’re in college. Suppose you rewrite it.”
Dear Customer:
We are most happy to enclose a photo of the jewelry that we recently sold you or ap-
praised for you. We feel that this added service, which we are happy to extend to our
fine customers, will be useful should you wish to insure your jewelry or need to iden-
tify it should you have the misfortune of suffering a loss.
We trust you will enjoy this additional service. We thank you for the confidence you
have shown by coming to our store.
Sincerely,
Your Sales Associate

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QXD 11/28/06 1:27 AM Page 76

After studying this chapter, you will be able to

Adapting to Your Audience

Planning Writing Completing

Compose the Message

Being Sensitive to Your Audience’s Needs

Using the “You” Attitude

Instead of This Write This

78 Unit 2: The Three-Step Writing Process

Maintaining Standards of Etiquette

Instead of This Write This

Emphasizing the Positive

Instead of This Write This

4: Writing Business Messages 79

FIGURE 4.2 Fostering a Positive Relationship with an Audience

Customer starts with a simple description

Agent immediately assumes that the

Agent’s accusation puts the customer in a

Agent is practically accusing the customer

Agent expresses sympathy for the

The conversation continues in a

80 Unit 2: The Three-Step Writing Process

Instead of This Write This

Instead of This Write This

cheap merchandise economy merchandise

Using Bias-Free Language

4: Writing Business Messages 81

Table 4.1 Overcoming Bias in Language

Examples Unacceptable Preferable

Building Strong Relationships with Your Audience

Establishing Your Credibility

82 Unit 2: The Three-Step Writing Process

audience, to maintain credibility with an existing audience—or to restore credibility after

Projecting the Company’s Image

Improve This Letter

4: Writing Business Messages 83

Controlling Your Style and Tone

Using a Conversational Tone

Table 4.2 Formal, Conversational, and Informal Tones

Formal Tone Conversational Tone Informal Tone

84 Unit 2: The Three-Step Writing Process

Using Plain English

We continually exist to synergistically supply value-added deliverables such

Selecting Active or Passive Voice

4: Writing Business Messages 85

Table 4.3 Choosing Active or Passive Voice

Composing Your Message

Choosing Strong Words

86 Unit 2: The Three-Step Writing Process

Balancing Abstract and Concrete Words

Finding Words That Communicate

Table 4.4 Finding Words That Communicate with Power

Avoid Weak Phrases Use Strong Terms

4: Writing Business Messages 87

Creating Effective Sentences

Choosing from the Four Types of Sentences

compound sentence is a merger of two or more simple sentences (independent clauses)

88 Unit 2: The Three-Step Writing Process

Using Sentence Style to Emphasize Key Thoughts

Having considerable experience in corporate takeover battles, the chairperson

I can write letters much more quickly using a computer.

However, by changing the subject, the computer takes center stage: