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Jenni Mrkva
Professor Dunham
Eng. 1201
14 April 2019

Date Rape – The Gray Area?

One in four people will be raped in their lifetime.

Read that sentence again and let it sink in for a

minute. That statistic is alarming. The #metoo

movement has brought awareness to this issue, but it

seems that the “he said, she said” component of date

rape proves to be too complicated to convict the

accused many times. Why are the lines of consent so blurred? There should not be a gray area

when it comes to rape. I think back to my own personal experience with this topic. I lost my

virginity at the age of sixteen to my boyfriend at the time, despite that not being what I wanted. I

still wonder how my pleading, crying, and continuously saying “no” meant a green light to him.

Despite that, what I felt afterwards may shock you. I felt guilt; that I was a bad girlfriend for not

wanting the same thing as my boyfriend. I had no idea that date rape was a thing. At sixteen, I

was seriously uneducated regarding rape, and he clearly was, too. I firmly believe that education

at an earlier age is the key to making the concept of date rape and consent easier to understand

for everyone.

Rape has been around since the beginning of time. It occurs in every culture, and people

of every age, gender, social status, and race are susceptible to rape. A quick Google search will

produce heinous headlines like “Mother Charged for Allegedly Allowing Two Men to Rape Her
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Toddler”, “Baltimore Teen Charged in Elderly Woman’s Rape”, and “I’m a Man Raped by a

Woman Twice my Age.” Date rapes are the most common kind of rape, yet the accused are not

getting prosecuted. One of the biggest reasons that date rape is so hard to convict, is that the

victim and the accused possibly have had/currently have a sexual relationship. It seems that “no

means no” often loses its meaning after a relationship has been established.

Victims of rape often suffer physically during the act, but afterwards there can be

physical and emotional trauma. Rape victims are more prone to attempted suicides and self-

harm. They can turn to drugs or alcohol as a form of coping. They can develop eating or

sleeping disorders, depression, or suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (Rape, Abuse &

Incest National Network). The act of sex is supposed to be between two consenting adults and

can be an amazing thing. If victims of rape can present these types of symptoms after, it is

imperative that we do something about

it.

According to the Rape, Abuse

& Incest National Network (RAINN),

eight out of ten rapes are committed by

someone the victim knows, 50% of the

perpetrators are thirty years or older,

90% of adult victims are women, 15%

of the victims are between the ages of

12 and 17, and 57% of the perpetrators are white. (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network).

Gone are the thoughts of someone snatching you on a deserted path and insert thoughts of being

violated by someone you know and possibly care about.

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As a mother of a ten-year-old boy, a nine-year-old boy, and an eleven-year-old step-

daughter, I am appalled at the fact that 15% of rape victims are between the ages of 12 and 17.

My step-daughter recently started her period. She in the 5th grade. If she were to be raped, she

could become pregnant. She still plays with dolls and stuffed animals (which she calls

“stuffies”). As a society, we must look past the “political correctness” of teaching children about

sex at a younger age. If girls that age are able to get pregnant, then sexual education should start

well before that. Not teaching kids (girls especially) about their bodies, the changes, and what is

acceptable and not is a huge disservice to children. Not only to potential victims, but to potential

rapists as well.

Brad Bailey Law posted an article in their online blog that listed five reasons why

prosecutors have difficulty prosecuting rape cases. The number one reason is that words don’t

equal beyond a reasonable doubt (Bailey). It is the state’s duty to prove, through witnesses and

evidence, that the defendant is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt (James W.H. McCord). The “he

said, she said” back and forth rhetoric (and the defense team working against the victim) makes

it very hard for a juror, remaining unbiased, to see the crime beyond a reasonable doubt. Some

other reasons that Brad Bailey Law listed were delayed reporting and lack of evidence in the rape

kits. Jurors will doubt the credibility when a victim doesn’t report right away. Often times, law

enforcement will not have a victim get a physical rape assessment after the rape occurs. These

examinations rarely show evidence to a forced sexual encounter. This also creates doubt in the

mind of jurors, because if force cannot be shown, then, in their eyes, it must not have happened.

There are laws in place regarding rape. The Ohio Revised Code 2907.02 defines rape

and the punishment if an accused is convicted (LAWriter Ohio Laws and Rules). However,

since we cannot always rely on the judicial system to always bring the accused to justice, we
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need to be focusing more on the preemptive strategies. Sarah Gill, an attorney, suggests that if

we add new laws that better define the lines of consent, that would help to aid prosecutors

convict the accused. She states that “a law that requires affirmative consent may teach people

the importance of ascertaining the preferences of the other party involved.” (Gill) That type of

law would go a long way because it would establish more defined ground rules, so to speak, for

consent.

In addition to establishing new laws, Gill also is an advocate for placing education

programs in schools. One of her biggest issues is that there are so many date rape stereotypes.

She suggests that since men and women believe in these stereotypes, then they need to be

dispelled. She believes that, through education, men and women can better understand these

misconceptions and that will, in turn, change rape behaviors (Gill).

Gill wrote about a study that was done where boys and girls between the ages of 14 and

19 were given seven scenarios and were asked when in these scenarios it would be acceptable for

a person to make someone do something sexual against their will. The scenarios included things

like when a male pays for a date, the female wore sexy clothes, or the female and male are in a

relationship. Results of the scenario questions showed that males are much more likely to think

that it would be acceptable to force a female to participate in some form of sexual activity. After

those questions were presented, the same group of people participated in a 45-minute

presentation that discussed rape and gender roles. The participants, several weeks later, were

then given the same set of scenarios. Results of those questions showed that most of the

participants now felt that most of the scenarios were not acceptable to force someone into sexual

activity. However, one scenario still showed up as acceptable for many of the males in the

study: if the female and the male were in a relationship. The male teenagers in the study still
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thought it would be acceptable to force their significant other to participate in a sexual activity

simply because of their relationship status (Gill).

Unfortunately, many state laws almost allow the rape of a spouse. Gill’s suggestion to

implement new laws regarding consent would go a long way in aiding in these situations. Since

these laws are just speculation at this point, we must focus on the education. Parents cannot

allow the schools to take on this entire responsibility. If you have ever heard the phrase “it takes

a village to raise a child” this is definitely one of the places it comes into play. I believe there

needs to be a much better sexual education program in the schools and that it needs to start when

the children are younger, but I also think that the parents need to step in and teach the children

what they can at home. Set an example for the children and show them how men and women are

to be treated and how consent works.

There are many resources out there for parents to help bring up the subject and teach it at

a level appropriate for the children. One of the best things I have seen so far is a YouTube video.

It is great for almost any age. It talks about consent for sex but uses “drinking a cup of tea” in

place of sex. The video, illustrated with stick people, states that “if someone is unconscious, you

should never pour tea down their throat” and “just because someone said yes to tea last week,

does not mean that they want to drink tea again this week.” (Blue Seat Studios). It is sad that we

need such videos to explain something that seems so common-sense, but they prove to be

necessary if we continue to not educate children (and adults) on consent.

Safe Haven of Pender County is a non-profit organization in North Carolina that is a safe

place for domestic violence victims. They provide resources and shelter. In addition to that,

they operate an education program in school and has for the last seventeen years. Their
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education program teaches children starting at the kindergarten age and goes all the way to the

12th grade. Their curriculum is age appropriate for each grade level (DeSantis).

Teaching children consent and sexual education at an early age does not mean that

kindergarteners should know each and every detail of how children are made. There are plenty

of ways to start education early and continue it throughout elementary, middle, and high school;

teaching more detailed lessons as the children get older. Children are taught to share everything

from an early age. If a child comes up and wants a toy that another child has, the child with the

toy is often encouraged to give the toy to the other child. Is this type of teaching hurting our

children as they get older? It seems to point people in the direction of, if you want something,

you should get it simply because you want it.

I read a blog article once and it stuck with me. Parents; we always want to do what is

right and best for our children. When I see something that goes against the grain, it makes me

curious. I read the article not expecting much, but what I found in the article was a lesson that I

will never forget, and one that I wish more people would adopt. In the article, the author, Jorrie

Varney, talks about how her daughter loves to take her toys with her everywhere they go, and

how it draws quite a bit of attention from other children. When the other children ask to play

with the toys, her daughter will usually share but sometimes does not want to. Varney does not

make her daughter share if she does not want too. She says that “what’s mine is yours is not a

concept I subscribe to as a parent.” (Varney) That is a lesson on consent right there. Her

daughter is being taught boundaries and that she is able to make those types of decisions for

herself.

Kathryn Stamoulis has her Ph.D. in psychology. She has worked with rapist and victims

as a therapist and teaches a psychology class. She is also a mother to boys. In her class, she has
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discussed the issue of date rape. It was mentioned that, when growing up, parents and educators

are taught to remind girls to use the buddy system, to not wear clothing that could be

misconstrued, and that getting drunk or high could result in someone taking advantage of you. If

girls are learning all these things, and girls are most often the victims, what are we teaching our

boys (Stamoulis)?

She once counseled a rapist, a 19-year-old boy. The boy said that despite the victim

being passed out during the rape, he thought it would be ok because she had previously shown

interest in him. He was genuinely distraught at what happened because he did not think he did

anything wrong. Stamoulis firmly believes that a solid sexual education or better parental

guidance could have kept that situation from happening (Stamoulis).

On Morning Edition, a podcast from NPR, they discussed what some politicians and

survivors are doing to try to bring sexual education into schools at an earlier age. Bob Kraft,

owner of the New England Patriots, is among one of the power players to start a group called

MVP – Mentors in Violence Prevention. MVP is a program that teaches teens about good and

bad relationships and also how to help out when a bad relationship is spotted. One of the students

that participated in MVP, Otto Zaccardo, said that the program helped him recognize that one of

his friends was in a potential date rape situation and helped her out of it. Zaccardo says that we

need to adjust our line of thinking when we are younger. "It starts to be part of your culture," he

says. "So by the time you get to college, it's second nature, it's already hardwired into our brain."

(Smith)

Some might argue that starting sexual education so young is wrong and that teaching

children about sex at earlier ages will make them want to engage in sexual acts. This is simply

not true. If a subject is made to seem normal (sexual education) and it is taught unbiased and
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more thoroughly, children will not think twice about it. My youngest son is nine years old. He

loves reading and learning about everything. He has been reading books about science, the

universe, and the body for as long as I can remember. By the age of seven, he knew the correct

terms for all of the genital body parts and also how babies are made. For him, it was just another

piece of the puzzle. He knew one part was involved so something else had to be involved, as

well. When he figured it out, he asked me about it. I confirmed what he knew, and his response

was, “oh. Cool.”

Children are very smart. If we give them the education they need early on, they have

more time to process it and learn it. Younger children have not yet been exposed to the fact that

sex is seen as taboo in this country. If they are educated about it at an earlier age, it won’t be a

big deal to them when they are older. As a 5th grader watching a video showing a live birth, I

was mortified. I had already learned that “we don’t talk about those things.”

Most schools currently, if at all, teach a brief sexual education course between the age of

5th grade and 7th grade. The course will go over body parts and the act of sex. Schools generally

teach abstinence. While I do agree that abstinence needs to be in the fore-front, I think that

schools not teaching everything is a disservice to the children. Studies have shown repeatedly

that teaching children all aspects of sex, including the act itself, what can happen, sexual health,

options, etc., it helps them to see the bigger picture. The more they know, the more likely they

are to make educated decisions (Boskey).

Teaching children sexual education and consent go together. The act of sex involves two

people and both people must be in agreeance. There is no other way around that. It isn’t a

maybe. It must be two very clear answers of yes. Implementing sexual education/rape and

consent education into schools at an early age would make changes in rape culture and the
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amount of date rapes we see. There are some rapists that have actual mental health issues and

have no empathy and cannot act in a normal manner. No amount of education will help these

individuals. However, if we start teaching actual sexual education in schools and at home at a

younger age, some of the other would-be rapists would think before they acted. There should be

no blurred lines when it comes to consent.

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Works Cited

Bailey, Brad. "Why Prosecutors Find It Difficult To Prosecute Date Rape Cases." 15 February

2017. https://www.bradbaileylaw.com/legal-blog/2017/february/why-prosecutors-find-it-

difficult-to-prosecute-d/. 26 February 2019.

Blue Seat Studios. "Tea Consent." 2015.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=169&v=fGoWLWS4-kU. 20 March

2019.

Boskey, Elizabeth. "Top 10 Reasons to Support Sex Education in Schools: Research Finds

Teaching Abstinence Only Isn't Effective." 14 January 2019.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/support-comprehensive-education-schools-3133083. 21

March 2019.

DeSantis, John. "When ‘No’ is not Enough / Lack of Evidence can Make Date Rape Difficult to

Prove." Star News 26 June 2005: 5. Newspaper Article.

Fig. 1. Zankey, Maria. The Temple News. Philadelphia, 2011. https://temple-news.com/facing-

assault/.

Fig. 2. . Perpetrators of Sexual Violence Often Know the Victim. Washington, DC.

https://rainn.org/statistics/perpetrators-sexual-violence.

Gill, Sarah. "Dismantling Gender and Race Stereotypes: Using Education to Prevent Date Rape."

UCLA Women's Law Journal (1996): 62-70.

James W.H. McCord, Sandra L. McCord, C. Suzanne Bailey. Criminal Law and Procedure for

the Paralegal. Clifton Park: Delmar Cengage Learning, 2012. textbook.

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LAWriter Ohio Laws and Rules. 2008. 20 March 2019.

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. Perpetrators of Sexual Violence: Statistics. n.d.

Website. 19 March 2019.

Smith, Tovia. "To Prevent Sexual Assault, Schools And Parents Start Lessons Early." 9 August

2016. https://www.npr.org/2016/08/09/487497208/to-prevent-sexual-assault-schools-

and-parents-start-lessons-early. 26 February 2019.

Stamoulis, Kathryn. "Teaching our Sons not to Rape." 21 January 2015.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-new-teen-age/201501/teaching-our-sons-

not-rape. 26 February 2019.

Varney, Jorrie. "No, I Don't Make my Kids Share - and This is Why." n.d.

https://www.scarymommy.com/dont-force-sharing-kids/. Blog. 2015.