Jessalynn Goulette

Pathways
Lesson #15-16
Personal Statement

My name is Jessalynn, and I’ve struggled with mental illnesses since I was

young. It’s something I don’t talk about often, but I’m ready to share. Depression,

anxiety, and bipolar disorder seem like relatively open subjects in the news and social

media, but I have yet to find a story that has closely related to me. So, this is my

journey:

Let me start off by sharing what my symptoms feel like. When I was in

elementary school I would often change my outfit countless times before leaving my

house, not for fashion or because I couldn’t make up my mind, but because I was so

anxious that it had shown through as physical discomfort in anything I wore. I would

want to play with the other kids, I wasn’t shy, but when I would try to, the little voice in

my head kept telling me that they didn’t like me, or that I was bothering them. And then

there’s the buzzing. I would feel happy and connected, but then there was generally a

light that would turn off for no reason. All of my happiness would wash away and all I

was left with was this cold, dark buzzing in my head. There’s never actually any buzzing

noise, it’s just an empty, nothing feeling. Starting middle school, the buzzing sentences

got longer, but I never thought that I should tell someone or that something was wrong.

So I sat in my numbness and watched it grow. When I would feel, I would feel too much,

my body would become stiff, my jaw would clench, and I would shake uncontrollably.

My thoughts would race and I could only hear the negative ones. I soon began to feel

those unwanted feelings more deeply, surfacing as suicidal thoughts.

 Jessalynn Goulette
Pathways
Lesson #15-16
My parents began noticing my difficulties in seventh grade, my grades began to

slip due to my inability to focus on anything but the empty buzzing. I got my first

therapist and soon after started on antidepressants. Nothing really changed until spring

of my eighth grade year when I shared with my therapist that I had thoughts of slitting

my wrists in my bathroom. The next day I was admitted to Aurora Behavioral Health

Center to be evaluated and my medication adjusted. This was my first of many visits to

various mental hospitals and rehabilitation programs. There was a cycle of hospital

stays, to partial hospitalization programs, followed by group programs and then more

therapy. Needless to say, my education took a hit. Freshman and Sophomore years of

high school were progressively less hospital visits and more silent suffering. My self

harm had reached an alltime high, it was the only thing I could think of. But, at the time I

thought it was better than the empty buzzing and I felt more like myself than I had in a

long time. With the help of my parents, grandma, and best friend I realized I wasn’t

getting better, so I entered my last rehabilitation program.

I got a new therapist during my outpatient rehabilitation, she was the first one to

help me make a plan for recovery suited to me. I took myself off of all of my

medications, not recommended to do this yourself though. A few things that helped me

include paper stars and photosynthesizing. I had those close to me help me make little

origami paper stars that said positive quotes, memories, and jokes that would help

when I felt urges, suicidal thoughts, or beginning symptoms of an anxiety attack. It

would help calm me down while trying to open them without ripping them and change

my mindset when reading them. Now, photosynthesizing? I know it sounds silly and it’s
 Jessalynn Goulette
Pathways
Lesson #15-16
completely impossible, but I would start every morning sitting in the sun, pretending I

was a plant and changing my breathing to take in the carbon dioxide while emitting

oxygen. I knew I couldn’t actually photosynthesize but I guess it was my form of

meditation. February of 2018 I left my school and enrolled in an Altus charter school.

I am proud of who I am, and though I am not “cured,” I now know how to

manage my anxiety and depression, while accepting my bipolar disorder and seeing my

manic and depressive episodes. I never would have thought that I would be graduating

this upcoming June, or that I look forward to my future. I am grateful that when my brain

begins buzzing, I can take a break and revisit my work another day. I think I’m happy

with who I am, where I am, and my life right now.