#BoulevardsToTheBourgeoisie

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▪ WASHINGTON, DC 20004 ▪
 MEMORANDUM

TO: Members of the Council of the District of Columbia

FROM: Councilmember Mary M. Cheh
DATE: May 7, 2019
SUBJECT: The District’s Fiscal Year 2020 Budget

At tomorrow’s budget working session, we will begin our joint discussions of the
budget for Fiscal Year 2020. As a convenience to Members, this memorandum
highlights the budget recommendations from my office.
• The Committee was very excited to hear that astronomers had released the
first photo of a black hole earlier this spring. To be frank, the Committee did
not believe that a photograph like this could ever be produced. To that end, the
Committee transfers to $100,000 to the Office of the D.C. Auditor, to be used
to investigate how the astronomers convinced the charter school system to let
itself be photographed.

• The Committee is concerned by the number of reports from Council offices

regarding the failure of the Office of the Chief Financial Officer to certify
reductions to individual agency budgets this year. In previous years, the
Committee has faced its own struggles to get its requested budget cuts
approved by the OCFO, often without any clear rationale. The Committee
believes this process could be administered more fairly. Thus, the Committee
transfers $50,000 to the Executive Office of the Mayor to resize all of the
Mayor’s pockets to ensure that Chief Financial Officer Jeffrey DeWitt can fit
more comfortably.

• The Committee is quite concerned about recent changes to the makeup of the
Public Service Commission. This past winter, the Council vote 8 to 5 to approve
a new commissioner with limited experience in energy regulation. Thus, the
Committee believes it prudent to provide funding to support needed training
for the new commissioner. Therefore, the Committee transfers $45,000 to
DCPS for materials to be used by Mrs. Daly’s 6th grade science class to tutor
the newest member of the Public Service Commission on the basics of energy
policy.

• Transfer $150,000 to the Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs for

the purchase of earplugs for the residents of Gallery Place. The Committee is
concerned by the ongoing number of noise complaints in the area. After careful
consideration, the Committee believes that the ear plugs will be the most

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 effective solution to this problem – both in terms of cost, and because the
Council has made clear its not going to do anything.

• Transfer $10 million to the Department of Health for the very important
work of –
For Immediate Release: May 7, 2019, 1:15pm

Robert White Reads First Page of FY 2020 Joke Budget Memo

Washington, DC – Today, Councilmember Robert White took the landmark

action of reading the first page of the FY 2020 Joke Budget Memo. White's
first order of business was to clarify that this was the annual joke budget
memo, and not a real memo that might have useful information.

– ensuring that District residents are able to access health services,

including –

For Immediate Release: May 7, 2019, 1:16pm

Robert White Amused by First Item in FY 2020 Joke Budget Memo

Washington, DC – Today, Councilmember Robert White let out an audible

laugh while reading the first item in the FY 2020 Joke Budget Memo. White
said of the report, “Wow, this one is actually sort of funny. You’re saying
Mary wrote this? I mean, in all seriousness, though.”

– to social workers through the –

For Immediate Release: May 7, 2019, 1:18pm

Robert White Considers Going Out for Lunch

Washington, DC – Today, Councilmember Robert White stood up from his

desk, looked out the window, and announced, “I might go out for lunch.”
White, who Chairs the Committee on Facilities and Procurement, ultimately
had a sandwich.

Oh, forget it!

• Last fall, a number of Ward 4 constituents raised concerns about outreach

they’d received from the Office of Councilmember Brandon Todd regarding his
2020 campaign for the Council. The residents shared that they had received
campaign related materials, despite never agreeing to receive any such
outreach. The Committee believes that this was a clear mistake, and supports

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 efforts made by the Councilmember to ameliorate any errors. Therefore, the
Committee transfers $250,000 to the Office of Councilmember Brandon Todd.
These funds are to be used on a direct mail campaign for the express purpose
of apologizing to the constituents who received unsolicited mailers from him
this fall, and to remind them to donate to his 2020 campaign.

• $5 billion for [Committee on Health to fill in immediately prior to circulation].

• $200,000 to build a protected bike lane through the FY 2020 Joke Budget
Memo.

(See how easy it is, DDOT?)

• The Committee is tremendously supportive of plans for the District to provide

Dan Snyder with the funds he needs to build a new football stadium in the
District. However, the Committee believes that the District could get an even
better return on its investment from a slightly more ambitious proposal.
Rather than provide District funds to Mr. Snyder directly, the Committee
recommends transferring $750 million to Fire and Emergency Medical
Services and directing FEMS to immediately set the money ablaze. The
Committee believes that the resulting dumpster fire will be much more
enjoyable to watch than the project proposed by Mr. Snyder.

• Transfer $100,000 to the D.C. Interscholastic Athletic Association for the

administration of a new “Mayoral Marathon.” Despite there being a number of
serious contenders in the District, the Committee directs DCIAA to limit
registration for the race to one District resident, Mayor Muriel Bowser, to
ensure that she will win.

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• The Committee is excited by the prospect of sports wagering in the District but
worries that the scope of what qualifies as a “sport” under the legislation is
unnecessarily limiting. Thus, the Committee transfers $150,000 to the D.C.
Lottery to expand sports wagering to include betting on local government
leaders. Specifically, the Committee directs D.C. Lottery to permit residents to
wager on the following:

o The Mayor’s next hashtag;

o The next member of the Executive to resign or be censured; and
o The next Councilmember to be fined by the Board of Ethics and
Government Accountability.

• Given the recent passage of the Healthy Parks Act and the Healthy Students
Amendment Act, in addition to the Healthy Tots Act, Healthy Schools Act, and
Healthy Students Act in prior council sessions, the Committee is worried that
the District will run out of things to make “healthy” in future years. Rather
than risk having no legislation to move in future years, the Committee
recommends transferring $200,000 to the Council of the District of Columbia
for the purchase of a roulette-style wheel with random nouns in the place of
the numbers. Councilmember Cheh commits to drafting and moving “healthy”
legislation based on whatever word the wheel lands on. The Committee has
actually already purchased this wheel, and can share a few preliminary spins:

o “The Healthy Compromise Act of 2019” – This legislation has no effect

other than making Chairman Mendelson feel good about himself.
o “The Healthy Prostitute Act of 2019” – Councilmember Grosso has
already agreed to cosponsor this legislation, despite the Committee
having nothing drafted.
o “The Healthy Bowel Movements Act of 2019” – Oh wait, Councilmember
Nadeau already introduced this one.

• The Committee notes the recent proliferation of working animals in the

District. The District has seen a steady influx of emotional-support animals,
backyard chickens, and goat yoga goats. The Committee is concerned that
these animals are not being provided the compensation that they deserve. As
such, the Committee recommends transferring $250,000 to the Department of
Employment Services to implement a new minimum wage for animals.
Specifically, employers will be required to prove a minimum of fifteen treats
per hour to any animal in their employ. The Committee notes that, thanks to
the Council overturning the will of the voters, this scheme will result in
animals being provided a greater level of compensation than tipped workers.