Beach Fires- Original Poem

by Hannah Baumgartner

Submission date: 24-Feb-2019 12:44PM (UT C-0500)

Submission ID: 1082743434
File name: Beach_Fires-_Original_poem.docx (18.67K)
Word count: 433
Character count: 2036
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Beach Fires- Original Poem
GRADEMARK REPORT

FINAL GRADE GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

30
PAGE 1
/30

Comment 1
Love the sound play here.

Comment 2
past tense is laid

Comment 3
maybe an image here as well.

Comment 4
could you give us an image here? and adjective maybe...

Comment 5
maybe diction and word choice...does it engulf (which seems very big and bold) then die
of f ....this contrast is awkward... can you characterize the f lame? tiny, broad, bright...weak....

Comment 6
great line!

Strikethrough.

Strikethrough.
 Comment 9
too cliche...can you restate in your own words...maybe an image.

PAGE 2

Comment 10
Seems like this stanza kind of slips f rom poetry into prose...why the shif t?

T here might be a really good essay in here as well.

Comment 11
great phrasing!

Comment 12
nice!

PAGE 3

Comment 13
what deeper meaning? Is this a poem about trust? perseverance? about teaching a lesson
(then what is the lesson)? how can you strengthen the images to convey that point?

I think there is a bit lef t to be said with this poem. I don't believe it's f inished.

Comment 14
good:

10/10

Comment 15
good job. A lovely subject f or a poem. I think there are places where you can parse down the
clauses and phrases to make it less prose and more poetic. I think it would be more ef f ective
with some more concrete images... And consider too, also making an essay out of this...I think
there is some good stuf f here and with your natural gif t, you could make this a very powerf ul
essay. With the poetry, try to say more with less, use the language and vocabulary to paint a
picture rather than tell a story. Let the images speak.
Good job over all.
RUBRIC: 9 TH-12TH GRADE ANALYSIS

CLAIM/FOCUS
Claim and Focus: Make a clear claim about the text(s) early in the essay and f ocus on proving it.

ADVANCED T he essay makes a clear claim about the purpose, ef f ectiveness, or message of the
text(s) based on the strategies, techniques, or devices of the text(s). T he essay
maintains f ocus on analyzing the text(s), using the whole essay to develop the claim
and thoroughly address the demands of the prompt.

PROFICIENT T he essay makes a clear claim about the purpose, ef f ectiveness, or message of the
text(s). T he essay maintains a f ocus on the text(s), but may stray at times f rom
developing the claim. If more than one text is being analyzed, the essay demonstrates
a good balance between or among the texts and addresses the demands of the
prompt.

DEVELOPING T he essay makes a claim about the text(s), but may not connect the claim to the
strategies, techniques, or devices of the text(s). T he essay may maintain f ocus on
the text(s), but not the analysis (or vice versa). If more than one text is being
analyzed, the writer may neglect one or more and may not f ully address the demands
of the prompt.

EMERGING T he essay does not have a claim about the text or about the strategies, techniques,
or devices of the text(s), but may instead of f er overly general f acts as a claim. T he
essay does not develop a claim throughout the essay and does not address the
demands of the prompt.

ANALYSIS/EVID
Analysis and Evidence: Choose the right evidence and analyze the evidence's purpose and ef f ect.

ADVANCED T he essay cites the most appropriate and valid evidence to support its claim and f ully
explains how the evidence cited leads to the message or purpose of the text(s). T he
essay demonstrates insightf ul reasoning and f ull understanding of the strategies of
the text(s).

PROFICIENT T he essay cites appropriate evidence to support its claim and f ollows up evidence
with explanations of how it works to achieve the author's message. Summary, if
present, is balanced with analysis. T he essay demonstrates some reasoning and a
basic understanding of the text's or texts' strategies.

DEVELOPING T he essay relies too heavily on summary and of f ers only vague analysis to support
its claim and evidence is not f ollowed up with analysis. T he essay demonstrates very
little reasoning, and instead includes assertions about the text's or texts' strategies.

EMERGING T he essay does not use evidence f rom the text(s) f or the purpose of analysis. T he
essay may incorporate summary without analysis, neglecting to f ocus on the
f eatures of the text(s).

ORGANIZ AT ION
Organization: Include an engaging introduction and strong conclusion. Use transitions throughout the
essay to make connections clear.

ADVANCED T he essay incorporates ef f ective transitions and an organizational structure that

enhances the analysis. T he essay includes an ef f ective introductory paragraph and a
concluding paragraph.

PROFICIENT T he essay's transitions and structure make it clear and easy to f ollow. T he essay
includes an introductory paragraph or statement, as well as a concluding paragraph
or statement.

DEVELOPING T he essay's transitions and structure may interf ere with a f ull understanding of the
writer's claim. T he essay includes an attempt at an introduction/introductory
statement and/or conclusion/concluding statement.

EMERGING T he lack of transitions and structure make the essay hard to f ollow. T he essay is
missing an introduction or conclusion of any kind.

LANG/ST YLE
Language and Style: Use specif ic, interesting language and clear sentence structure to communicate ideas.

ADVANCED T he essay has an established, f ormal style and objective tone that is maintained
throughout. T he essay uses mostly correct, varied sentence structure and uses
precise language and domain-specif ic vocabulary in a way that addresses the
complexity of the topic. Few errors are present, and they do not interf ere with
meaning.

PROFICIENT T he essay has an established, f ormal style that is maintained throughout. T he essay
uses mostly correct, varied sentence structure and generally uses precise language
and domain-specif ic vocabulary in way that generally addresses the complexity of the
topic. T he essay may have some errors, but they do not interf ere with meaning.

DEVELOPING T he essay attempts to establish a f ormal style that may not be maintained
throughout. T he essay attempts to vary sentence structure and uses some precise
language that may be domain-specif ic at times in a way that may address the
complexity of the topic inconsistently. T he essay contains some errors that may, at
times, interf ere with meaning.

EMERGING T he essay does not establish and/or maintain a f ormal style. T he essay uses little
variety in sentence structure, and the language is general and not domain-specif ic.
T he essay contains errors that interf ere with meaning.