What

you should never say to children

By Tom Benne5

As Jus&n Bieber and Sean Connery have both said in different

circumstances, Never Say Never. Trying to describe a
prescrip&ve list of phrases and quips that should never be
uBered in a child’s presence is like trying to design a buffet
menu for a conven&on of compulsive eaters- you’ll never be
able to please everyone.

That said, there are a number of things that you should

probably avoid in almost any circumstance (apart from the
obvious ones, like ‘I love you’ and ‘Calm down, dear’), or at least certain categories of comment that
could be described as...sub-op&mal strategies. Of course, in much the same way as someone telling
you to ‘forget about it’ guarantees that you’ll do anything but, telling someone not to say something
is a brilliant way of making you want to say it. Here are some of my favourite no-speak zones:

1. Racism/ sexism.

I’ll get this out of the way first, because you already know this,
right? Of course, what cons&tutes racism is a philosophical
debate that generates a lot of heat and light. But there are clues
for everyone: unless you’re actually having a conversa&on about
racism or the use of aggressive insults, or something like that
(see: Sociology, RS, English. Probably not Maths) then never drop
the N-bomb, the C-Bomb, or an equivalent phrase. The pupils are
unlikely to discern your ironic reference to contemporary idiom.
There are perfectly reasonable places to discuss the meaning and
context of racist language, stereotypes; unannounced in the
middle of a random lesson is not that place. Even cultural or
ethnic discussions that you might class as ‘banter’ must be
avoided, for the simple reason that what you define as harmless
might be seen as a gross insult to another. Think that’s too
precious? Tough: when you talk to a group of people you don’t know well, unless you intend to
offend them, talk with care.

2. I hate this class/ you’re all horrible.

I’ve heard this, from several teachers, who get so fired up by the apparent (and possibly genuine)
sadis&c pleasure classes some&mes take in slowly skinning their teacher, that they lash out in this
spectacular piece of retalia&on. If you thought the class was tough before, wait un&l you roll this bad
boy down the bowling alley.

3. You’ve all been excellent today.

Context is all: if you say this when the class have been hois&ng the Jolly Roger from your
whiteboard, or roping you to a totem pole a la The Bash Street Kids, then all you’re doing is teaching
them that you are an oleaginous invertebrate. And they will treat you with contempt. They know
when they’ve been rubbish. They find it odd when grown ups apparently can’t see it too.

4. Call me Tony.

Obviously this is something you really want to avoid if you’re not called Tony. But it’s also a warning
to teachers who want the kids to bump them, high five them, or whatever ghastly tribal mime passes
for a contemporary salutary idiom. Some people are uncomfortable with students using terms of
respect and deference to an adult, possibly because it’s such an unusual thing to hear anywhere but
a school. But an acknowledgement of authority, it is. Of course, you don’t need &tles and such to
generate respect, but it’s certainly a display of manners. Unless you have impeccably behaved
charges, I advise you take your terms of respect where you can.

5. You’re so fat; you can really move.

This is now known as the Starkey. Personal jibes,

par&cularly at the expense of a pupil’s body shape/ hair
style/ dress sense etc are like ligh&ng a match under a
big, fat firework. Whee! See that? That’s your lesson
going out the window, as the pupil realises that you just
played him for a mug, and then subsequently realising
that if you can do it, then so can he....Only call a pupil fat,
etc if you enjoy being told that you in fact, are gay, smell
badly, and probably, a kiBy too. (I think what’s what they
say.)

6. I’m going to call home.

And then not doing it. It’s like calling a taxi for your self-respect.

7. Why don’t you understand? Are you stupid?

Ugly. They might, in fact, not be the brightest star on Hollywood Boulevard, but society won’t
tolerate poin&ng it out. The current ideological meme is that all children are smart in different ways.
Even though this is patently untrue, avoid poin&ng it out.

8. Of course, drugs aren’t the worse thing in the world.

Of course they’re not. Nuclear holocaust, gangrene and Tsunamis probably just nudge them out of
the contest. Everyone has their own opinion on drugs, from liberal to hard line. But if you do
anything other than discourage growing students to stay away from contraband, then you’re not
being cool- you’re a menace to children, who might be impressionable enough to listen to you. If you
like, forget the moral debate and consider what growing brain cells need- narco&cs, or fresh air? I’ll
let you decide. Incidentally, I ran a Soho night club for nearly a decade- I’m not taking the high
ground on this; but children take their cues from adults, even the idiot ones.

9. I was so smashed last night.

Too much informa&on; that’s on a need to know basis. At least let the
children pretend that you are a professional who spends his evenings
honing the lessons you’ll deliver to them.

10. I’ve spent ages planning this lesson! You don’t know how hard
teaching is!

No, they don’t. And why should they? You’re ge]ng paid, and they’re
being made to watch you work. Don’t burden them with your burdens-
just teach them. If you say this, then you are effec&vely reboo&ng your
rela&onship with them, only instead of a friendly Windows 7 screen
coming up, it’s a picture of you with a clown suit on. Good luck,
incidentally.

There are common themes to these recommenda&ons: don’t get too personal with them; don’t be
crass, rude or insul&ng; don’t try to be their chum. Always remember that you’re a professional, and
this isn’t your personal space- keep the dirty laundry for the wash bag, and set an example of how
you would want them to communicate with you, with each other, and with the world.

Good luck

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