with your kids will also churn up more strife between you and send the message to

your abuser that he is winning, inspiring him to continue the assault on your
character to those who mean the most to you.
23. To Break Down Your Resistance
The end objective is to put heavy pressure on you from every possible angle. Using
what he hopes will be an emotionally lethal combination of confusion, guilt,
manipulation, and pressure from his many allies, he has left no stone unturned in
his effort to construct a wall of shame, an emotional bulldozer.
The abuser's bottom line is that he wants things just the way they were before you
walked out the door. He intends to get there by swarming you with so-called
evidence that you are wrong. Ask yourself, "What has changed?" If you don't have
the right answer to that question, well, you have your answer.
24. Gaslighting.
Gaslighting is an attempt to make you doubt your perceptions of reality. It's an
attempt to control you through manipulating your sense of what's real and what
isn't. The person who is being gaslighted often feels off-balance and in severe
cases, may even question their sanity.
25. Your partner consistently puts you down and makes you feel like you're
worthless.
When someone continually tells you that you're no good, you eventually start to
believe them. This is why emotional abuse is more damaging than physical violence:
broken bones are quicker to heal than a damaged psyche.
26. Refusing to communicate.
Withholding communication is a common way for emotionally abusive partners to exert
control in the relationship. It can take the form of the "silent treatment" in
which the abusive partner ignores you or retreats to another part of the house and
shuts you out of it. The result of such behavior is that you become fearful of
upsetting your partner because you don't want to get shut out, and you modify your
behavior to suit their needs.
27. Provocative action with the opposite sex.
Used in conjunction with the threat of infidelity, acting provocatively with others
in front of you is your partner's way of devaluing you as a person and partner. Not
only is it disrespectful, but it is also a way to show you how easily you could be
replaced in their life.
28. Irrational jealousy.
Everyone feels jealous from time to time. Emotionally abusive partners use their
jealousy to control you. Their suspicion is unreasoning, comes out of nowhere, and
they use it to make demands of you. For example, they may force you to stop seeing
a friend of the opposite sex or to stop going to a particular location on the
grounds of their jealousy.
29. Everything is your fault.
Your partner blames you for everything that has ever gone wrong in their life. They
take no responsibility for their own mistakes, because, after all, they're perfect,
and you are not.
30. Your partner has isolated you from friends and family.
Whether by forbidding your to see them or making it impossible for you to stay in
contact, such as moving you somewhere far away from where you know no one but your
partner, they have cut you off from your support network. The goal is for you to
become utterly dependent on them for all of your needs and therefore, at their
mercy.
31. They have no empathy or compassion.
Since emotionally abusive partners frequently have psychopathic or narcissistic
personality disorders, they have little care for your feelings or needs. They only
care about how you can fulfill their needs and their desire for ultimate control.
32. Your partner shares your secrets with others when they know that's not what you
want.
Since they don't think much or care about your preferences, they tell others things
you have shared with them in confidence as
Your partner shares your secrets with others when they know that's not what you
want.
Since they don't think much or care about your preferences, they tell others things
you have shared with them in confidence as a way of belittling you.
33. They are always right.
Even when they're wrong, they're right. If you ever tell them that they're wrong,
they will make your life miserable.
12 Steps to getting your life back
Identifying Your Everyday Rituals Can Help Get Your Life Back Together Your
quotidian lists are for daily tasks you will do every day (not the one-time
functions).
You can have two quotidian lists.
One for Professional, and one for Personal (if you're a state-of-the-art homemaker
or stay-home parent, you can combine those lists if you find that more
comfortable).
Think of all the tasks you want to get done every day, in your business and
personal life, and lay it out in a list – order the functions in the sequence that
is as close to ideal as possible. Identifying positive everyday rituals is one
effective strategy for getting your life back together.
4. Determine What You Would Do With More Free Time
If you ask most people what they would do with their time if they were less busy,
most will have answers such as:
The reason our answers to that question all sound similar is because, somewhere
deep down inside, we all know that these two things are right: Your quotidian lists
are the stable platform upon which you can construct increased success and joy.
When you have excellent health, you have everything; the trick to taking better
care of ourselves is first to start using our time more effectively. "Living well
is the best revenge," George Herbert once famously said, and – in a way – it is
true.

No matter how bleak things may seem to you on any given day or in any given moment,
if you have excellent physical health, then your life is already prosperous and
hope-filled, and your dreams are realizable.
6. Declutter Your Daily Life
A cluttered life soaks up free time like a dry, thirsty sponge. By clutter, I don't
just mean a messy garage (although, that is clutter). "Clutter" means the noise,
distractions, and chaos of modern life.
There can be so much reactivity in modern life. We spend our days reacting to
distractions without even realizing it. But you can declutter your daily lifestyle
and experience more joy and serenity than ever before.
Finding the right productivity system can help you to live smarter so that you can
direct more time and energy to what-matters-most in your life. Decluttering your
typical day is one effective strategy for getting your life back together.
Remember Where You've Been
No one except you, your children and God know what has taken place in your home.
And just because some of your friends, family members, and even your kids are
suddenly siding with their abusive father doesn't make them right. Of course, your
children want the family whole and happy, and many kids are willing to accept that
Dad has changed, and Mom should give him another chance. But if nothing has
changed, then nothing will change.
Stand On What You Know
What are you seeing? Repentance? Change? If what I have described thus far is
indicative of what you have experienced in separation, then you do not see
repentance or change, only manipulation, guilt, blame, and pressure from his
allies. You might know some compliance, which is not to be confused with change.
Compliance is when the abuser gives you the bare minimum under duress to "prove" to
you that he is trying. There is no desire there, only an obligatory act that
enables him to continue to point a finger of condemnation at you - his victim.
Words are just words, and actions speak much louder. With that in mind, what do you
know to be true?
Learn to Trust Your Instincts
As abuse victims, we are trained to doubt our convictions and diminish our
feelings. We are told that we expect too much and sacrifice too little. Now that
you are apart from your abuser, you will need to re-learn to trust those red and
yellow flags that pop up when you read those hostile e-mails or hear manipulative
messages over the phone. When everything in your heart screams, "Danger;" listen to
that inner voice. Learn to say 'no.' Keep those boundaries in place. You have
erected them to protect yourself and your family. When you find yourself confused,
seek counsel from a trusted counselor, confidante, or support person who recognizes
what you are dealing with and can help you to see through the insanity and stand
firm.
Stop Being Shocked
Even after years and years of manipulation and verbal attacks, I wonder why we as
victims are still shocked by the cruel things our abuser says or does. He may begin
a conversation calmly and rationally (which he has probably rehearsed before he
ever engages), and you are no sooner sucked into the notion that common sense might
prevail when he strikes. He will likely target your sensibilities - your faith,
your children, or your reputation - and you will still be surprised by the
maliciousness of the attack.
Stop being shocked. In every encounter, expect his real attitudes and motives to be
revealed in an overtly ugly and offensive way. Then you will not feel guilty when
you are compelled to walk away, hang up or tell him, 'no.'
Quell Any Inclination to Prove Yourself
This is not about what others think about you; this is about you choosing to do
what is right and best for yourself and your family according to the dictates of
your conscience. Some people in your circle and even in your own family will
probably not "get it." There comes the point where you are wasting your breath to
try to explain what some people cannot understand, and it is simply more
comfortable for them to condemn something they have never experienced. Many abuse
victims must, by necessity, keep a safe distance from certain people who are
naïvely critical.
Standing on the truth sometimes means refusing to read or respond to those
idealistic your-marriage-can-be-saved articles from your church-going friends. I'm
sorry to say that it will probably be a poor use of your time and energy to respond
or try to enlighten those people. The odds are good that you will find yourself in
an unproductive conversation that leaves you frustrated and emotionally deflated.
Wait
Time reveals the truth. Virtually every abuse victim I have encountered shares a
moment of profound weakness - when their abuser has come to them in utter despair
and seemingly bared their troubled soul, confessing their failures, begging
forgiveness with passion and promises that everything will change, that they will
never love another. Everything in us wants to receive the abuser's enlightened
revelation and rush into his arms and sing the Hallelujah Chorus.
Please wait. Do not allow one encounter to birth doubt in your mind or alter your
view of him. Make no snap decisions. As eager as you are to believe it all, I hope
you will take a step back. Let time reveal where his heart truly lies. Keep it all
business. Refuse to be railroaded. Give decisions time to stew. Get feedback from
others you trust. Consider the costs and the consequences. Don't act until you have
a confident peace.
Statistically speaking, most abusers are men. For the sake of simplicity, the male
gender is used in this article; however, it is also recognized that many abusers
are female. The reader's understanding is appreciated.
Meditation.
When we've been traumatized, the areas of our brain related to executive
functioning, learning, memory, planning, emotion regulation, and focus become
disrupted (Shin et al. 2006). Meditation has been scientifically proven to benefit
some of the same areas of the brain that trauma affects – such as the prefrontal
cortex, the amygdala and the hippocampus (Lazar, 2005; Creswell, 2015; Schulte,
2015).
Meditation also enables you to become more mindful of your emotions in general and
aware of your cravings to break No Contact with your abuser. This allows you the
space to consider alternatives before acting impulsively on your urges to go back
to your toxic relationship.
2. Yoga.
If the effects of trauma live in the body, it makes sense that an activity that
combines both mindfulness and physical activity can help to restore balance and
bring empowerment. Yoga has been proven by research to help ease depression and
anxiety; it has also been shown to improve body image, expand emotion regulation
skills, increase resilience, bolster self-esteem for high-risk populations and
improve symptoms of PTSD in domestic violence victims (Clark et al., 2014; Van der
Kolk, 2015; Epstein, 2017).
It allows trauma survivors to rebuild a sense of safety in their bodies that trauma
often robs them of. It can help to curb disassociation by reconnecting us with our
bodily sensations.
5. Exercise.
A daily exercise regimen can save your life after abuse. Whether it be running on
the treadmill, going to dance cardio classes or going for long walks in nature
(which has also been proven to have its health benefits), commit to a practice that
you enjoy. If you lack motivation, start small. For example, commit to thirty
minutes of walking each day rather than an hour.
Exercise releases endorphins and lowers cortisol levels, potentially replacing the
Exercise allows you to embody your increasing resilience and strength after leaving
your abuser. It battles the biochemical addiction your body developed to the chaos
of the abuse.
Exercise can also begin to counter the physical side effects of the abuse such as
weight gain, premature aging, sleep problems, and illness caused by an immune
system overwhelmed by trauma.
Final thought
During the waiting time, think about all the things that have happened over the
past months or years that have stolen precious time and joy out of your life. Think
about those things. Consider the costs.
These few days are purposed for you to think about what your life has been like
because of emotional abuse and has to lead you to want to learn how to leave an
emotional abuser.