149

SPECIAL BONUS CHAPTER

MONOGAMY, MARRIAGE AND MALE MISERY



THE TRUTH ABOUT MEN
FOR GUYS’ EYES ONLY!
(Women Do Not Need To Read This!)


Dr. Pat Allen consistently counsels women to negotiate the contract
before engaging in sex with a man, in particular to ask for social and sexual
monogamy from him. This is something men are uncomfortable with.
Wha’? Monogamy? Whoever came up with that crazy idea?
Polygamy has been confirmed by science (and office parties) to be so
genetically effective that Dr. Stephen Emlen, evolutionary behavior expert at
Cornell University, says “true monogamy actually is rare.” As we have
learned from the scientific research throughout this book, no matter what
women prefer, men are genetically evolved to mate with multiple partners. It’s
hardwired into their psychology, it produces the greatest genetic variety, and
for most men it’s a no-brainer. We men are free-ranging critters and naturally
motivated to sow our seed far and wide. The research supports our instincts;
we can now go forth with our penises standing proud, and mate freely and
frequently, without excuse, remorse or shame!
Right?
Right?
And yet, especially in western culture, monogamy continues to be the
order of the day. And women seem to be very much in favor of it. So, how do
we address this disconnect?
First, let’s go back a bit. This monogamy thing is a relatively new
development. In the U.S., a husband’s adultery wasn’t considered a crime
until 1810,1 and the French only made it illegal if you kept your mistress in
the same house as your wife (and then, only if your wife objected to it!).
 150



Charles Darwin, the evolutionist (and frustrated clergyman) even found
himself beleaguered with the concept. He married monogamously in keeping
with his religious beliefs, but confessed it wasn’t without struggle against his
own biology. He wrote of his “panic” knowing that lifelong monogamy
“dampens the prospects for intimacy with all those other women that a man’s
genes urge him to find and get to know (however briefly).”2
He persevered, however, to endure the “slavery” of marriage and
monogamously fathered ten kids, who later testified that their parents’
marriage was an ideal, sympathetic, tender, and a very happy “perfect
union.”3 Ironically, throughout his life Darwin displayed more Christian
sexual restraint than some contemporary anti-Darwin Evangelists.
How the notion of monogamy is forever invading men’s natural
polygamous Shangri La can no better be demonstrated than with the classic
example of the Oneida Community. In the 1830s a guy named John
Humphreys Noyes set out to create a Christian utopia in Oneida, New York,
and planned a commune where everyone would live together and share
everything — even sex partners (a fair-thinking man!). But mindful of
potential pitfalls, he instituted a couple caveats:
To prevent any reproduction and burdening the farm with distraction of
children, the men couldn’t ejaculate unless the woman was past menopause;
and romantic love was strictly forbidden. For some curious reason, though, in
1868 he lifted the ban on reproducing, with Noyes himself having first choice
of the young girls while leaving the old women for the young studs…and
things went downhill from there. Under the new rule, a couple guys came out
on top — Noyes and his grown son. Between them they sired 20% of the 62
children subsequently born.
Not surprisingly, in 1879 the commune revolted and a demand for
monogamy quickly overtook this perfect male utopia; Noyes barely escaped
with his life, another victim of “Monogamy Creep.”
Another thing: Despite its bad rap among the male population,
monogamy seems to be quite acceptable even in those “ideal” societies where
men can pursue multiple mates in legally acceptable ways — which,
incidentally, includes about 85% of all human societies down through history.
Even where polygamous relations are permitted, anthropological research
finds only 5-10 % of the men take advantage! In fact, after surveying 250
cultures where polygamy was permitted, anthropologist George Peter
Murdock found that most men chose to be monogamous anyway!4
 FOR GUYS ONLY: Monogamy, Marriage, and Male Misery 151



Other scientific research found a whopping 43% of 980 polygamous
cultures consider polygamy an “occasional” act, and even where it was
common, multiple mating was only used by guys who could afford it or
qualify for it by rank.5
This pattern of polygamy linked directly with wealth or political position
is not unusual:

• Iranian Turkmen: Richer guys have more wives and kids than
poorer guys.
• African Kpsigis: Richer guys marry younger wives and have more
children than poorer guys.
• Ifaluk (Pacific Island): Guys with more political power have more
wives and kids than powerless guys.


Instances of polygamy being limited to the wealthy elite also occur among
the rich and powerful males of the Kenyan Meru, east African Mukogodo,
Hausa, Trinidadians, Micronesian islanders, and U.S. Congressmen.6
But beyond the culture of rock stars and basketball players, it’s crazy that
monogamy still seems to be considered pretty much the norm. Why are there
so many practicing monogamists even though our testosterone is primarily
designed to encourage polygamy? Of course, we have a neocortex brain that
let’s us override our polygamous impulses, but that begs the question. Why do
we choose to override them at all? If a polygamous-driven biology in
monogamous society causes so much frustration for men — and sometimes
even for women — why should we choose to make ourselves miserable?
These confusing questions are precisely why, at the end of Dr. Pat Allen’s
seminar, I hustled up to put her on the spot.
“So, if we’re a polygamous species, Pat,” I challenged, “who’s the asshole
who started monogamy? I mean, today we guys have to suppress our drive for
polygamy but women don’t have to suppress their drive for monogamy. Why
do they get their way? It’s not fair we have to suffer and they don’t!”
“Well, it’s because of the benefit,” she answered sweetly.
“Huh? Wha’?? What could possibly be the benefit? A benefit in frustrating
a guy’s natural hormonal design; thwarting a successful genetic program for
millions of years?”
She leaned toward me whispered her answer, and as I listened the blood
drained from my face. My cocky male self-assurance was shaken, and I was
 FOR GUYS ONLY: Monogamy, Marriage, and Male Misery 152



left speechless. This was nothing I ever expected to hear, and nothing I
wanted to hear. She looked at me for a long moment.
“I want you to think about it,” she said, and then left me standing there.
As the room emptied after the lecture, I slowly walked out to the veranda
of the hotel and did think about it. I thought not only about the global impact
her answer had on society, but about the serious responsibility it placed
individually on us guys, us bearers of the Y-chromosome.
Somehow during millennia of evolution our species alone emerged to
showcase a new possibility to ensure better genetic success; something no
other species had ever done before. Many animals had evolved forms of
social interaction, ranging from swarms to flocks and herds, but human
beings had created something unique in the animal kingdom:




➻ CIVILIZATION!




Yes, civilization. Dr. Pat Allen had explained that everything we see
around us in this technological wonderworld in which we live is the result of
— and she was very specific about this — un-laid lays.
We men willingly suppress our testosterone-driven impulses so that we
can work to create a civilized world with all the creature comforts that
provides us. Testosterone doesn’t care about civilization, it doesn’t care about
society, it only cares about aggression and sex, and really likes aggression so
it can dominate and get more sex. It generates incredible energy, but that
energy when unchanneled is directed primarily at promiscuous mating and
general mayhem, males competing against each other for women and
financial advantage, and macho one-upmanship that leads to bar-fights and
drag-racing.
Monogamy allows humans to maintain a civilized society simply because
it suppresses testosterone’s agenda. Only by controlling this hormone’s dark
side are we able to invent modern social structures and industrial complexes,
and build toward the future. Monogamy allows humans to cross over into a
civilized society.
 FOR GUYS ONLY: Monogamy, Marriage, and Male Misery 153



Any society that does not support monogamy, that does not give women
the right to say “no” and to limit excessive male sexual activity, squanders the
male yang energy that would otherwise go into building a civilization. Male
creativity gets dissipated with each casual sex act. Left to their own devices,
men generally let things go to hell. Check out the average bachelor pad. Those
parts of the world where polygamy is prevalent all exhibit symptoms of this
scary truth: they’re agrarian, tribal, or even subsistence cultures, where
civilization teeters on the brink, if it has even taken foothold at all.
Those countries where monogamy is the norm are where the great
advances in human social growth have occurred: men have raised up cities,
invented startling technologies, and promoted the free exchange of ideas and
intellectual growth. Where men are required to keep their basic hormone-
induced drives in reasonable check, they redirect energy into physical
creativity. Women create life, but the basic traits of the male are to compete,
to control and to conquer. With self-control, that need to Conquer becomes
one, not of women, but of the world in which we live.



“ More than any other time in history mankind faces
a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter
hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”
—Woody Allen



It’s an uncomfortable thought, I know, but it’s the responsibility of
women to demand we men control our basic instinctive impulses, and
because of what women give us emotionally and physically, it is in our own
best interests to willingly agree.
Which brings us to the concept of marriage.
Whether in a tribe in the forest, in a feudal state, under communism or
democracy, we guys protest, “We don’t need a piece of paper. We’re living
together. We, you know, can have kids without a piece of paper. Marriage is
too restricting.”
This is where laws and religion and peer pressure enter the picture.
 FOR GUYS ONLY: Monogamy, Marriage, and Male Misery 154



— T H E F U N DA M E N T A L R U L E O F M A T I N G —
Governments and Religion protect women and children
from the testosterone-driven impulses of men.



Monogamy works in society’s favor, and to promote it society and religion
often teach us guys to feel guilty about our basic nature. This insight was not
lost on Sigmund Freud, who wrote: “Once a person is guilty they have
developed empathy. If you cannot feel guilt, you cannot be civilized.”
But testosterone is immune to guilt, so governments and religions work to
suppress it by rule and regulation. This has been very effective, to the point
that we don’t even question many things that society requires us do anymore:

• Men shave, so we don’t look like the animals we are and scare
women and little children.
• Men wear nooses — er, ties — around our necks. Women tell us
it makes us look professional, and we believe them, but the real
reason is it makes us look safe and managed like other tame,
collared animals (the ones with their testicles removed).
• Men eat with utensils, so we look sophisticated.
• Men bathe regularly. (Ummm, that was probably a good idea.)
• Men stay away from virgins so that…well, you know why.

Society has even convinced us men that monogamous marriage is
necessary to make us successful. For instance, in The Moral Animal, Robert
Wright points out that, “Charles Dickens was afraid to take up publicly with
his mistress not because his wife would have punished him. He had already
left her; and how much power did she have anyway? He was afraid, rather, of
infamy.”8 Culture has done such a good job making monogamy a requirement
for continued economic success that guys even lie before Congress, and testify
“I did not have sex with that woman!”
Obviously, this whole monogamy thing is a big hit with women. But
monogamous marriage also benefits guys, as well. For men at large, if the
good-looking, successful and wealthy guy gets to assemble a harem of ten
women, that means there’s nine less successful players out there with less
chance of getting laid!
 FOR GUYS ONLY: Monogamy, Marriage, and Male Misery 155




UNANTICIPATED BENEFITS

This “shaving” thing may have saved our lives.
Scientists at Bristol University found that more men die if they don’t shave!9
Men who don’t shave are less likely to be married, have fewer orgasms,
are shorter, and suffer from angina. Also, research linking sex hormones
and beard growth started when a guy on a remote island in
the Hebrides noticed his beard grew vigorously when he was
about to rejoin his girlfriend on the Scottish mainland.


Also, on the individual level, marriage relieves some stress — unmarried
guys for some reason are not as emotionally calm as married guys. A 24-35
year-old unmarried man is:10

• More likely to commit robbery
• More likely to rape
• More likely to use drugs.
• Three times more likely to kill another guy than a married man

Of course, this might be why a gal didn’t marry him anyway, but scientists
conclude there is a pacifying effect from marriage. So, as much as we hate to
say it:



MONOGAMY RULES!



(Unless you’re chief and have the most cows in your village.)









…OK, now the good news, guys…
 FOR GUYS ONLY: Monogamy, Marriage, and Male Misery 156



Why Monogamy Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Marriage:

The principle mechanism for keeping men monogamous is marriage.
Before the last 200 years, marriage was not entered into for reasons of
personal happiness and love, but was primarily used for:

• Raising capital from dowries and rich fathers-in-law
• Political alliances with powerful fathers-in-law
• Organizing labor around the farm and castle
• Getting in-laws
• Consolidating wealth
• Gaining additional resources
• Transferring property or political authority
• Preserving peace (warriors don’t attack their sons-in-law)
• Gaining personal prestige by marrying into a powerful family
• Evaluating economic claims of property
• Determining what rights parents and children had on each other.

Clearly, marriage and divorce were originally driven by factors other than
love. It wasn’t that people didn’t fall in love throughout history. Sure they did,
and sometimes even with their own spouse! But marriage was instituted for
economic reasons, or even arranged by parents or tribal chiefs, and “love was
considered a poor reason to get married, and when divorce occurred it was
more often to have better in-law alliances or because of childlessness, not
because of lack of love.”11 In fact, 25-30% of the children of nobility did not
marry, and sons and daughters without adequate dowries to financially
attract mates were donated to the church!
So, if this marriage thing had its place in society as an economic tool,
what changed it in the last couple centuries? Did some rocket-scientist in the
18th century suggest that marriage should include love and be based on free
choice of two individuals. Yep. Somehow the Age of Enlightenment and the
spread of individualism set the stage for a revolution that broke thousands of
years of marital history.
The idea kinda caught on.
Today marriage is no longer just an instrument of monogamy used to
control testosterone in males, but an institution founded on the notion of
 FOR GUYS ONLY: Monogamy, Marriage, and Male Misery 157



romance and love…an institution we still are trying to figure out how to get
working. Even though most healthy women are seeking loving, committed,
and usually marital relationships, many of us guys (about 66%) are more
interested in simply exchanging money for sex in one way or another, in the
most responsible or irresponsible ways. That’s why we say, “Hey, let’s play,
let’s be casual, sexual friends.” If she says yes, then she plays our game — not
hers. But today’s woman has learned how to play her own game.
Remember, most guys want sex eagerly enough to be willing to negotiate
for it. Withholding immediate sex from a guy gives women great bargaining
power. Guys know what they want: sexual gratification. To bargain wisely,
women need only to be aware of what they themselves don’t want: a sexual
encounter without a commitment to the relationship, and then negotiate a
quid pro quo accordingly.






Man’s Burden: Polygamy in a Monogamous Society

We’ve seen that while polygamy benefits genetics, monogamy benefits
civilization, and monogamy has many side benefits including better health,
fewer social sanctions, and lower cost. So why do some guys in a monogamy-
centered society still practice polygamy, when most guys in polygamous
societies willingly choose monogamy? Well, scientists have discovered that
the confusion stems from the fact that there are really two kinds of
monogamy:

• Social Monogamy: Couples bond and work together
to raise the kids or build a business enterprise
• Sexual (or Genetic) Monogamy: Faithful sex partners

There’s also a legal definition, as being married to one person at a time.
This does not, however, enforce sexual fidelity. Although it’s illegal to
participate in “bigamy” — having additional wives — it’s not illegal to have
an affair. Before the integration of romance and love into the institution of
marriage, this did not pose any problems, and was not even an issue. And
even in older societies, say in Europe, it’s not at all unusual for a married man
 FOR GUYS ONLY: Monogamy, Marriage, and Male Misery 158



to indulge in sexual activity on the side. This is why those societies are
confused seeing Americans get upset over sexual indiscretions by their
leaders. Even when caught in flagrante delecto, these guys are still socially
monogamous, so what’s the problem?



— RU L E O F M AT I N G —
In cultures where social monogamy is practiced,
women often accept polygamy as long as resources
are not diverted from their home and children.
Males may be unfaithful to their wife sexually,
but they MUST be faithful in providing for their family.



This paradox peacefully coexists in mature societies like the fine, stable,
God-fearing, Christian towns along central and southern Adriatic coast.
There, almost every man has a mistress; upperclass men have longterm affairs
with lowerclass women, younger servants visit wives of landowners, and
prestigious men have trysts with the maids and cooks. Many of these affairs
last for years or an entire lifetime. The only taboo: no sex between older,
unattached women and young, unmarried men. Why? To prevent gossip!
Young men boast, and gossip is intolerable for this stable society to work.
Family is the strong center and any gossip threatens to expose these
extramarital affairs, potentially disrupting the stable Christian community
and family life.
Surprisingly, this cultural rule of “don’t ask, don’t tell” was best
demonstrated by a businessman who was Italian but had lived in America
since childhood. He retired to one of these villages and, while in a men’s club
there, began to brag with the guys about hitting on a nice-looking woman he
had seen. As he was sharing his plans for a secret rendezvous all the guys
around the table fell silent, and then, on by one, each rose and walked out!
The American had committed a major social blunder against their strict and
unbreakable rule — married men never talk about their interests in other
women.
Even though these two types of monogamies clearly blend in older
civilizations, in America we still see extra-marital sex as a problem because,
 FOR GUYS ONLY: Monogamy, Marriage, and Male Misery 159



as a culture, there hasn’t been enough time to sort this sex stuff out. Older
cultures have had thousands of years to accept human biology and realize
that while social monogamy is natural, sexual monogamy is not. That is why
anthropologists find social monogamy relatively common in older cultures,
but sexual monogamy a very rare exception rather than the rule. Ironically, in
this era of HIV risk, many of these wives prefer husbands to maintain a
steady mistress rather than patronize commercial sex workers.12
So, whether you believe government is right or wrong, religious doctrines
from God or self-serving sages, monogamy still provides a genetically
profitable payoff – we can replicate more successfully and safely with
civilization then without it. Monogamy is necessary for civilization and to
protect the kids, although polygamy promotes a healthier gene pool to more
successfully cast our genes into the future. This is why you find monogamy
even in polygamous societies, and polygamy in monogamous societies.
Monogamous societies practice “social monogamy,” while under the covers
“sexual monogamy” can be lacking.

But you’re still not off the hook…


Regardless of the science, most religions, governments and relationship
books by pseudo-experts still deny any difference between social and sexual
monogamy; and this leaves us guys with an endless paradox: Even though we
have instincts for multiple mates, few of us are willing to have our woman in
another guy’s harem. We may enjoy sexual aggression, but not at the cost of
fighting for food in a third-world country.
This is the principle burden of malehood: How do we reconcile our
genetic instincts to want sex, to need sex, and to do it frequently with multiple
partners? These instincts have evolved to be so strong it would be “grossly
misleading to talk as if self-restraint is as easy as punching a channel on the
remote control.”13 They bring down TV evangelists, sports heroes, rock stars,
Presidents and millions of others not in the public eye who indulge in one-
night flings, secret rendezvous, longterm affairs, wife-swapping, group sex,
heightened fantasies, and prostitution.

The impact of civilization on our genetic agenda produces
some of the most intense and confusing experiences that
guys can ever be subjected to.
 FOR GUYS ONLY: Monogamy, Marriage, and Male Misery 160



But even when confused, how responsible am I for the choices I make in
my life? Understanding genetic impulses is critical in make these choices and
not transgress the laws of men. We do not need to threaten marital bliss by
practicing the ancient ritual of promiscuity; just because our genetic agenda
is to “fool around” it doesn’t mean we have to. We still have a neocortex to
override basic instincts, and a lot of guys do just that. Yet, there is still no
clear framework to guide us:

• If we believe we are instinctively driven by our evolved biology
to philander, we will do just that and feel justified.
• If our culture has outlets for polygamous genetics while
maintaining solid social monogamies, we will do both and feel
justified.
• If we believe it is the work of the devil, we won’t do it and feel
justified; however frustrated.
• If our culture is confused, we will just muddle our way through
the status quo and hope for better drugs, lawyers, and other
coping mechanisms.


This is the challenge we are face in relating to females. It’s not a perfect
solution, but understanding it makes our journey more productive than past
failures. Even though this state of affairs only leaves us with more questions,
it does offer us something more:




Perhaps the truth does not set us free,
but it just pisses us off.
Or, perhaps it is not a question of “ free” will,
but free will at what price?


FOR GUYS ONLY: Monogamy, Marriage, and Male Misery 161

FOOTNOTES FOR THE BONUS CHAPTER:

1 Daly, M. and M. Wilson (1988), Homicide (Foundations of Human
Behavior). Hawthorn, NY: Aldine de Gruyter; cited in Buss, David M.
(2000), The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is As Necessary As Love and
Sex. New York: The Free Press, p.141.
2 Wright, Robert (1994), The Moral Animal: The New Science of Evolutionary
Psychology. New York: Vintage Books, p.114.
3 Darwin, Emma (1915), A Century of Family Letters, 1792-1896. New York:
D. Appleton and Co.; and Darwin, Francis (1888), Life and Letters of Charles
Darwin. New York: Johnson Reprint Co., 1969.
4 Murdock, G.P. (1949), Social Structure. New York: Free Press.
5 Wright (1994), op. cit., p.91.
6 Low, Bobbi S. (2000), Why Sex Matters: A Darwinian Look at Human Behavior.
New Jersey: Princeton University Press.
7 Macdonald, Kevin (1990), “Mechanisms of sexual egalitarianism in
western europe,” Ethology and Sociobiology, 11:195-238.
8 Wright (1994), op. cit., p.356.
9 Ibid.
10 “Study: Men Who Don’t Shave Have Less Sex, More Strokes” published by
Reuters, (2003).
11 Interview with Stephanie Coontz, Evergreen State College, “The history
of marriage,” Family Therapy Magazine, Jan/Feb, 2004.
12 Low (2000), op. cit., p.83.
13 Wright (1994), op. cit., p.151.