RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 1

RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 2

Understand the Origin of

Conflict to Create Lasting
Trust, Commitment, and
Love
onflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. However, there is a right and
wrong way to “fight” with your partner. When engaged in correctly, conflict can
actually serve to improve your relationship. Since there are so many reasons as to why you
and your partner will argue, it’s imperative that you make it constructive.

Most couples that first come to see me often express that they are having “communication
problems with their partner.” It may seem like a simple problem. Perhaps that is true on
some levels, but there are deeper (unseen) reasons as to why they cannot communicate.
Saying that you’re not talking being the problem is like saying your car broke down because
there is smoke coming out of the engine or you are sick because you are coughing.
Mechanics and doctors know that these issues or problems their client brings in is only on
the surface. There are always underlying causes for these issues.

By the time you are done with this book, you will fully grasp the core cause of your pain in
the relationship. This book will help you and your partner understand the true cause of your
issues so you can better diagnose and fix them. This is the blueprint to your relationship.

Conflict comes from differences in the views of our goals, money, politics, sex, children, love,
boundaries, religion, cleanliness, and much more. The differences in these areas are what
create friction between you and your loved one. Remember, friction is not always a bad
thing. It can often make things exciting at times. However, the above differences often prove
to be enough to make both people feel that they are not meant for each other. These many
factors define who we are.

Another cause for conflict is that both parties are ignorant of the other person’s perspective
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or just don’t seem to care. This is not only true in relationships but also between nations.
This breakdown is often a result of using emotion over logic. We cling to our values and
egos, and we do not let go for a fear of death. I am going to teach you why unnecessary
conflict rises from past experiences, how to express our needs effectively, and how to
resolve conflict by learning effective communication.

Why do we get so angry and hurt in loving relationships?

The most powerful emotions are experienced within relationships: love and fear. We often
cling onto the feeling of love created early on in the relationship, and we simultaneously try
our best to avoid fear and pain experienced from past traumas. One hundred percent of your
actions in life stem from an avoidance of consequences and pain (fear) or toward needs like
love.

In fact, there is a 33% chance that you experienced some form of negative attachment or
relational trauma within your lifetime. This has led you to subconsciously protect yourself
whenever you think you’ll be hurt again. This protection puts up walls and shuts the other
person out of your life, thus making the relationship fail without you even noticing it or
understanding why.

You must understand you and your partners’ past triggers in order to take full responsibility
for the quality of your relationship. It is so easy for us to always believe our way is the right
way, but that does nothing to help your relationship. Let’s look more deeply at the root
causes of pain, why it occurs, and how to prevent it.

Understand Pain’s Origin (Follow the Hurt)

Two of our deepest needs in life are belonging to something more than ourselves and
spreading our genes to future offspring. Being in a romantic relationship with someone can
serve to meet both of these needs. This is why whenever couples begin to fight, it appears
as if they are fighting for their lives. In evolutionary times, if you were alone, it meant certain
death. This is why the pain of isolation and loneliness can make people want to take their
life.
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While we cognitively know that being alone won’t actually kill us, but our emotions are
oblivious. Fights are triggered when our needs are not being met by the other partner.
Whether they are sexual, emotional or financial, when these needs are being compromised,
most people tend to spiral down into an unintelligible, emotional wreck.

Fight or Flight

Our fight or flight response is activated when we are arguing with our mate. Our Amygdala
(the “Fear Center” in the brain) begins to activate. We become blind to objectivity. During
these times, we often lack the ability to listen to reason. It is like we put a filter over us that
says, “Your livelihood is in danger. Do all you can to protect it!” The amount you enter this
state of response depends greatly on how you were raised with your attachment style.

Signs You May Be In Flight or Fight

• Your heart rate may increase.

• Your vision may narrow (sometimes called “tunnel vision”). You may notice that your
muscles become tense.

• You may begin to sweat.

• Your hearing may become more sensitive Your body gets hot.

• All you care about is getting away from the person or trying to get your point across

Understand Attachment (Mom and Dad Matter)

“ People tend to select mates with some similarity to past

attachment figures in their lives in hopes of filling important
emotional needs.”
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Understand Attachment
(Mom and Dad Matter)
“ People tend to select mates with some similarity to past
attachment figures in their lives in hopes of filling important
emotional needs”

Our Attachment models show up when we deal with any stress in the relationship. This
theory by John Bowlby states that we form our first model for a relationship with the opposite
sex from our Mother or Father. New research by Solomon Tatkin, in his book Love & War In
Intimate Relationships, suggests that these internal working models are actually hardwired
into our DNA and neurons. These first models serve as a template for the rest of our adult
lives. Most of society forms a secure attachment with their primary caregiver growing up.

Securely attached:
Consists of 2/3rd of the population. In this style, people are able to clearly express their
needs to their partner and have no problem relying on them. As a child, securely attached
individuals could turn to their parents when in need. Their parents were reliable and there for
them whenever they were stressed out.

Avoidantly attached:
These individuals tend to be dismissive in nature when there is a conflict in the relationship.
They will respond with stonewalling and often trying to physically leave the argument
completely. These people rarely had their needs met as a child, so they do not know how to
ask for them with their partners. They will often indirectly complain about a conflict in the
relationship instead of trying to be honest and genuine. This lack of directness is a coping
mechanism to avoid the possibility of being denied. They don’t know any better. Their world
view tells them that everyone should be able to rely on themselves for support. Needing
others is a sign of incompetence or weakness.
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Anxiously attached:
These individuals never had independence from their parents. They were often sheltered
and learned to cling onto your significant other in order to show them you care. Anxiously
attached people respond to stress with fear of the relationship terminating. They are the
"Stage 5 Clingers" in the dating world. They do not feel comfortable being alone and often
feel as if their partner will leave them for someone else. They often ruminate more than any
other attachment style and think that whatever they do is not enough for their partner.

Whenever an avoidant and an anxious attachment style combine, it creates a vicious

pattern. The anxious individual keeps on reaching and yearning for validation and support.
The avoidant person sees this as needy, which only serves to push them away from their
partners further.

You must look at your relationship with your mother or father to see what attachment style
you have. Are you able to express your fears and needs directly and appropriately to your
partner? Was your mother and father there for you emotionally and physically? Answering
these questions may help to illuminate the ways you respond during arguments within your
current relationship. I also want to let you know that your attachment style can and often
does change with new relationships. Just because you grew up with an avoidant style
relationship does not mean you cannot become securely attached with someone that loves
you.

Attachment Exercise:
I want you and your partner to take turns going through the below questions in order to have
a complete understanding of how your childhood shaped the current way you act in your
relationship. I won’t be able to interpret and expand on these for you, but they will give you
deep insight into emotional experiences that influence how you are now. Make sure you are
in a safe and secure position emotionally and physically with your partner before engaging in
this activity.

• How is your relationship with your parents? Think back to the earliest memories with
each one.
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• Take the time to give both your mother and father five adjectives that best describe
them when you were between the ages of 5 and 12.

• Take one adjective of each parent. Add or think of a story with them when you were
young that encompasses them behaving in line with that adjective.

• When you were upset as a child, what did you do?

• Can you think of a specific time you were upset as a child and you turned to your
parents?

• As a child, did you ever feel rejected by a parent? Why do you think your parent
decided to act that way?

• Were your parents ever threatening to you with discipline or even in a joking
manner?

• Do you think the above experience affects you as an adult in any ways?

• Do you think your experience as a child has affected you in any way?

• Why do you think your parents behaved the way they did while you were growing
up?

• Did you consider any other adults parental figures?

• Did you experience a loss of a parent or caregiver?

• Did your relationship with your parents change as you grew up?

• Imagine three wishes you would have for your current or future children about who
they would be.

• What have you learned about your childhood experience?

Take the attachment style quiz here to see what style you are.

Click HERE!!!
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Understand Attachment
(Mom and Dad Matter)
” Equanimity is accepting things are as they are.”

Over 95% of our behaviors are habituations. Your brain’s main function is to keep you alive.
Therefore, when we first experience a novel activity, person, place, or event, our brain lights
up and we become aware of what is happening. Much like the first time you drove a car… I
am sure you felt your hands tight on the wheel, your foot slightly on the gas pedal, and your
eyes constantly scanning between all mirrors and the speedometer.

After driving for a long time, you can listen to music, look at Google maps, and talk on the
phone all at once. This is because the brain has become accustomed to the set of behaviors
necessary to drive. Sometimes, you will go five minutes without even realizing that you were
driving.

Much like actions, emotions and thoughts can also be learned and not recognized.
Whenever you meet someone, your brain instantly catalogs mental packets and
assumptions about who they are. Do they look like someone else you know? What religion,
age, gender, and nationality are they? All of this information is sorted into our brains in
milliseconds without us even noticing it. Both you and the other person then treat each other
the same way as you treated previous people with those categorizations.

We learn our habits through years of reinforcement and consequences. Over time, our mind
tends to adopt these behaviors unconsciously. We see a stimulus and thus respond with a
packet of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that serve to help us avoid punishment or move
toward reinforcement.
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As an example, a young boy hears a dog’s growl and then gets attacked by the dog. He then
learns to run away and become fearful whenever he hears a dogs growl.

Our brain creates these habitual routines because it wants to conserve as much energy as
possible. There are so many stimuli in a given environment that we don’t have the energy or
capacity to give attention to everything. Even as you are reading this, there could be
thousands of other stimuli vying for your attention. Your phone, a roommate, a pet, birds
chirping outside, and especially your thoughts about what you have to accomplish later.

Neuropathways are formed in our brains that make our responses automatic on a biological
level. You are literally hardwired to feel, think, and act the way you do. These models of
acting and feeling are known as schemas.

What Is a Schema?

A schema is a packet of ways your mind packages and orders thoughts into groups. We
have schemas or mental models for getting an airplane ticket, how to work out, how we view
certain people (roleplays), or how we study for a test. They are essential because they make
life simpler for us. Our brains are usually on autopilot as these schemas play out.

Each schema can seem productive on the surface, but they tend to be mal-adaptive when
pushed into their extremes. Schemas are paradoxical because we think they are helping us
get what we want, but they are often putting us into a self- defeating cycle instead.

Schema responses are over reactions, and they are typically not appropriate responses.
This becomes especially salient with couples. One person may have been cheated on in a
past relationship. This wound wants to be healed. However, the person may have developed
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insecure tendencies from the past damages. Whenever an event in their current relationship
reminds them of their past ones, they unknowingly feel scared or insecure. Then they think in
accordance with their emotion and believe that their current partner may cheat on them too.
This causes the person to act insecurely, blame their partner, and act untrusting. The other
person is pushed away and more likely to do the one thing the person doesn’t want.

It’s a bitch! I know. I hate to say it, but it happens all of the time!

Each person has developed their own unique schema. Below is a list of the emotional
schemas presented in the book, Emotional Alchemy. Learn them to spread awareness on
your destructive patterns and overcome them.

Types of Schemas
1. Abandonment
People in abandonment avoid other people or activities. There is an underlying fear, mistrust,
or willingness to avoid isolation. This schema matches an insecure attachment style. As
such, it could have developed early on in life when your parent wasn’t there for you. Feelings
associated with the abandonment schema are sadness, fear, and panic that come from the
prospect of being alone. Sometimes, this schema results in people running away from
relationships in an attempt to avoid being abandoned.

2. Emotional Deprivation
This schema causes the person to become more like a caretaker rather than voicing their
own needs. The feelings that accompany this schema are anger, hopelessness, and
sadness. You feel as if you will never be understood or cared for. There is a conviction that
your needs won’t be met. You may be hypersensitive when you don't get enough attention or
are not noticed for the things you do. Anger and resentment often arises from being ignored.
People with the emotional deprivation schema have increased caregiver skills. They take
care of others more often in an attempt to protect themselves from being hurt in a
relationship.
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4. Social Exclusion
This schema involves avoiding other people or activities. The feelings associated with it are
a fear of vulnerability, loss of control, worrying too much, denial of pleasure for self, phobias,
repetitive behavior, obsessive compulsive behavior, and panic attacks. People who develop
this schema cling onto dogmatic values that serve to separate them from the group. This
leads to isolation and a fear of being alone.

5. Failure
This schema tells people that everything must be done with the same degree of excellence.
There are feelings of not being good enough in their career despite constant achievement.
There is an underlying motivation to be successful that resulted from being criticized as a
child. I developed this schema from my older brother constantly telling me I was wrong at
everything. The failure schema says to people that they are somehow frauds. There is a fear
that any success will soon be revealed as luck. Many people with the failure schema may put
off challenges and important tasks because failing them will lead to showing their
inadequacies. Seeing yourself as a failure prompts feelings of deep self-doubt and an
anxious sadness.

6. Perfectionism
People feel like they’ll never meet expectations for acceptance and approval from others.
The self-imposed pressure to perform leads to impatience and irritation with self and others.
The underlying feelings of this schema lead to self-doubt, anxious sadness, and disciplined
work, but taking on too much. Everything must be done with the same degree of excellence
and melancholy from not being able to enjoy life. Perfectionism takes the fun out of life. They
insist that everything must always improve. This leads others people to feel anxious and
think that they aren’t being accepted for who they are.

7. Entitlement Shame
This schema develops from people being spoiled during early childhood. There is a
tendency for people to overstep boundaries. People try to win approval through
accomplishments. Entitlement schema leads people to think that social conventions and
rules don’t apply to them. They are unaware of the burden their expectations place on
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others. They may exaggerate their abilities, indulge their desires, and feel resentment when
others limit their plans. This schema seems utterly selfish to others. Often times there are
inner feelings of shame and inadequacy.

8. Vulnerability
These people believe in an irrational fear that a minor setback means they will end up
jobless and homeless. There is constant rumination and worrying. A sense of being out of
control and in danger may have been prompted by an event of impending doom or
catastrophe. This is usually created when someone witnesses a close death early on in life
or experiences a personal illness. A high level of anxiety creates fixations that manifest
obsessive acts of safety or panic. Others with this schema also take unnecessary risks to
compensate for their fears.

9. Unlovability
This schema leads people to fear that others will reject them if they truly knew who they are.
There is a fundamental belief that they are defective and thus unlovable. Feelings of shame
and humiliation arise from the belief they are flawed and unworthy of love. They feel that
their weaknesses will be discovered upon becoming known. This will ultimately and
inevitably result in rejection. This lack of self-confidence leads them to hide their thoughts
and feelings, which results in a hollow, false self in which they hide from the world.

10. Mistrust
With this scheme, there is a deep sense that other people cannot be trusted. Abused
children often develop this schema. Maltreatment is often suffered at the hand of someone
who normally should be trustable. This impacts a fundamental way of being in the world. As
an adult, people with this schema might be hesitant or suspicious of intimate relationships.
They often question authority and believe that it is an impossible game to get ahead in life
because you cannot trust anyone. Feelings that arise in them can include rage and fear of
betrayal.
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I created a quiz below to see which schema you most likely exhibit:

Click HERE!!!

We know that we react unconsciously to certain behaviors that stem from past pain. Now
let’s take a look at specific behaviors all couples play out. Some therapists can predict as to
whether or not couples will stay together based on these behaviors alone! The shocking
thing is that they can make these predictions with over 90% accuracy.
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Understand Balance In
Your Relationship
” We just don’t get each other.”

From the beginning of time, men and women have had problems understanding each other.
Before I jump into all the reasons as to why this is, it’s important to note that we have far
more similarities than differences. We just focus on the differences because they stick out.
We deeply desire and want love and respect. We both experience pain when these core
needs aren’t met. We go about communicating how to receive these needs differently.

Now that we know your schematic past and the deeper reasons as to why you experience
pain, we can look at why you and your partner seem to be reading off of a different manual
on how to talk to each other. A majority of you and your partner’s communication differences
lie in your mismatch of polarity.

What Is Polarity?

“If a man is very masculine by nature, then he will be attracted to a very feminine
woman, who will compliment his energy. The more neutral or balanced he is, the more
balanced he will prefer his woman. If a man is more feminine by nature, his energy will
be complemented by the strong direction and purposiveness of a more masculine woman.
By understanding their own needs, men can learn to accept the ‘whole package’ of a
woman. For instance, a more masculine man can expect that any woman who really
turns him on and enlivens him will also be relatively wild, undisciplined, ‘bonkers,’
chaotic, prone to changing her mind, and ‘lying.’ Still, from an energetic perspective, this
kind of woman will be much more healing and inspiring to him than a more balanced or
neutral woman who is steady, reasonable, ‘trustworthy,’ and able to say what she means
in a way he can understand.”
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David Deida talks about polarity and what it means for relationships in his book The Way of
the Superior Man. He says to find a woman that is your polar opposite in sexuality. If you are
more masculine in essence, then a more feminine woman will suit you better. Being feminine
isn’t a bad trait to have as a man. I am not talking about being “girly.” What David Deida
means by feminine and masculine is much different. Being masculine or having that type of
energy means that you are more focused on your purpose in life and you make decisions
based off of logic. This means you will be more attracted to the feminine pole.

A purely feminine woman is completely attuned into her emotions. She changes her mind
more often and will sometimes go “crazy” when she is overwhelmed by them. As a
masculine man, you will be more attracted to this. I want you to think of this concept like two
magnets. The polar opposite magnets are the ones that are attracted to each other. Men are
the negative oxygen molecule. Girls are the positive hydrogen molecule. Together, you two
form the water of life. Well, technically it would be two hydrogens and an oxygen.

A masculine man likes to take the lead and clearly communicates what he wants. This is why
women will often make suggestions for things instead of directly saying what they want. It is
often harder for people in the masculine pole to express themselves emotionally or admit
their vulnerabilities.

What Pole Are You?

Below are some more questions to consider when it comes to your polarity

• Do you make decisions easily (Masculine), or do you go with what feels right in the
moment? (Feminine)

• Do you consider yourself or have you been called unemotional at times?

(Masculine)

• Are you certain about what you want to do with your life? (Masculine)

• Do you like it more when people choose for you? (Feminine)

• Is it easy for you to state your opinion? (Masculine)

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• Is it easy for you to state your opinion? (Masculine)

• Are relationships more important than your career? (Feminine)

• Do you prefer to talk more in private (Feminine) or in public? (Masculine)

• Do you like escalating physically in the bedroom? (Masculine)

• Do relationships and good friends make you happier than achieving things?
(Feminine)

• Would you rather get a raise (Masculine) or go on a trip with a loved one?
(Feminine)

• Do you have difficulty identifying how you feel at times? (Masculine)

• Are you more avoidantly attached (Masculine) or anxiously attached?

• Do you choose to do something and then find reasons why you did it after?
(Feminine)

Add your points up to 13 and see where you and your partner lean.

Gottman’s Accuracy with Couples

Dr. John Gottman conducts studies at his institute in Seattle Washington. Over the past 30-
plus years, he has predicted whether or not couples would stay together or get a divorce
with a 94% level of accuracy! Even more amazingly, he does this by watching only a couple
of seconds of the couple’s interaction.

How did he do this? By observing the couple’s micro-expressions.

Dr. Gottman notices that couples engage in two distinct types of conflict. If a couple displays
emotions of defensiveness, stubbornness, or withdrawal, then the chance of their
relationship lasting is significantly diminished.
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Wives that are more positive and compliant during conflict seem to reduce conflict in the
short-term, but they also show a decrease in the marital satisfaction over time. If wives
showed anger, sadness, or fear, then the relationship tends to last longer.

Simply put, men and women that FIGHT for their relationship stay together longer. It makes
perfect sense. That is why there is a famous quote saying that, “The opposite of love is not
hate. It's indifference.”

If you would like to take a quiz on his website to see where you fall on his evaluation of
relationship satisfaction, navigate to: https://https://www.gottman.com/how-well-do-you-
know-your-partner/quiz/

When people act stubborn, withdraw from their partner, or become defensive, they are far
more likely to increase the amount of animosity and resentment their partner feels toward
them. These are all signs pointing to the fact that you do not care anymore. On the other
hand, if you are angry, then you care about what is going on. You want to make a change.
This desire for change means you see yourself with your partner in the future and are
committed to making it work!

When women are fearful or compliant, then they are also not fighting. They may give into
their partner to make him happy, but overtime, their fear and lack of zeal for the longevity of
things deteriorates the relationship. Men do not want a pushover. We want women that care
about what is going on. Let’s take a deeper look at these Four Horsemen.

Understand the Four Horsemen

1. Criticism
This is attacking your partner’s personality or character during a fight. It is using an ad-
hominin attack to make them wrong based in the intent of them not being good enough. This
is often shown through "You" language. Criticism often manifests itself in generalizations like
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“You always do ____”

“You never do ____”

Or my favorite, “You never listen to me, you are such an asshole!”

Criticism often lacks specific behaviors to correct and therefore the partner being attacked
may feel helpless when on the receiving end of it.

2. Contempt

“Contempt is the sulfuric acid of love”

Contempt is straight verbal abuse. Individuals that implement this behavior generally do so
with the intention of hurting the other person. These behaviors include: name calling,
sarcasm, mockery, rolling of the eyes, sighing, and overall disrespect toward your partner.
Constant contempt may cause permanent harm to your partner if it goes unchecked.

3. Defensiveness
When someone uses this tactic, they often see themselves as being the victim. Their initial
response is to think that they are being attacked and therefore feel the need to prove that
they are not wrong. Signs of defensive behavior are things like:

• Complaining: “It is not my fault.”

• Cross-Complaining (Projecting): “I talked to her because you talked to your ex last

time.”

• Yes-But Statements: Involves agreeing at first, BUT then throwing in your, “But,” to
absolve your agreement.

• Repeating Yourself: Usually not even listening to what your partner is saying, just
reiterating your point over and over.
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4. Stonewalling
This last behavior is the deadliest of all the Horsemen. This one is termed appropriately
because the person displaying this behavior often uses, “Stony Silence.” The person uses
the silent treatment and will even sometimes remove themselves from the argument
completely. This is an avoidant style of communication, and it is often the most damaging to
relationships. When one person is stonewalling the other, it seems as if they do not care
about the person and what they are saying. Apathy sets in, and the individual just does not
care about what is being said.

When you and your partner display these behaviors in relationships, you often head straight
into, “Negative Sentiment Override.” This domain is the complete opposite from the “Positive
Perspective.” While in NSO, the foundation of trust and commitment may crumble and fall.

There Is Still Hope

Using some of these behaviors is normal from time to time. No couple is perfect. According
to Gottman, the exact ratio you should be looking at for success is five positive interactions
to every one negative one.

Recognize if you use these behaviors. Learn to stop them by being empathetic and
recognizing when you are heading into fight or flight mode. Empathy can halt all of these
behaviors. If you realize that your partner is hurting, and you truly love and care about them,
then you will want to fight to make them happy. Start by validating your partner when they
bring up a concern. If you have a complaint about them, be specific about what changes you
need to see. Avoid using criticism, and the whole downward cycle won’t even begin.

Tip:
It is always alright to stop in the middle of an argument and return to
it later. Take a break. Go into separate rooms. Usually the anxiously
attached person won't like this, but it allows your emotions to
regulate and help you think more clearly.
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Learn From My Mistakes

Relationships take a lot of hard work in order to be successful. If the same issues are
constantly coming up, and you or your partner are falling into these behaviors, then it is time
to reconsider if it is best to remain together. I have often been selfish and clung onto girls in
the past because I didn’t want to see them with anyone else. Deep down, I knew that I was
not going to be with them in the long term, but I could not let go. This led me to exhibit the
above-mentioned destructive behaviors. I put them and myself through unnecessary pain
and anguish. Deep down, you know if you should move on or not. Everyone deserves to find
happiness in life. It may be the timing in your life; your paths may cross in the future. I think
this quote by Khalil Gibran sums it up best...

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they
were always yours. And if they don't, they never were.”
–Khalil Gibran

Look at your relationship. Take responsibility for your actions. Otherwise, you will lose trust
for you and your partner.

You Trust Me Right?

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Understand Trust
Without trust in a relationship, there can be no relationship.
So what is this vital ingredient?

How come it is so important for relationship health and survival?

Studies upon studies show that trust in relationships is much like the foundation to a house. I
have personally given up on relationships in the past because I didn’t think that the trust was
restorable after it had been destroyed. It is difficult to regain trust once it is lost, but if it is
important to you to get back to what you once had in your own relationship, then I urge to
continue reading.

Before we can move forward on how to regain trust, we must agree upon a definition of trust.
The clinical definition of trust is understood as, “Prompting a person to have a confident
assumption that their partner is motivated to consider his or her own best interest into
account when acting” (Carson & Cupach, 2000). In layman’s terms, this definition boils down
to: “Trust is about putting the interest of your partner’s needs ahead of your own.” That is
why “true love” is oftentimes considered selfless and ideal in relationships.

Trust is comprised of three important factors. These factors are consistency, dependability,
and faith.

• Dependability can be best described as an individual being able to predict their

respective partner’s actions correctly.
• Consistency is understood as one partner observing the other as acting in a way
that makes his or her promises met.
• Faith is explained as a sense of confidence in the future of the relationship
staying stable.

Of the three, faith is the most important of these aspects. A small sense of trust and love can
still exist with low levels of dependability and consistency. However, all three of these must
be achieved to have a complete sense of trust with your partner.
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The Effects of Mistrust

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t
believe you.”
The famous German philosopher Nietzsche pretty much summed up my past three
relationships with women in that single quote. Without trust, there can be no relationship. In
order for any of us to know how to build and restore trust, we will look at an example of what
a lack of trust looks like and what happens when you don’t trust someone in a relationship.

Jealousy, worrying, and mistrust in a partner can lead to a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy of
negative assumptions (Carson & Cupach, 2000). If you assume that your partner will cheat
on you, then you will behave in a way that seems like they already have. If you behave in a
way where they are guilty before proven innocent, then they will end up doing what you
already assumed they have done. This is a self-fulfilling prophecies.
Low trust leads to rumination, which is obsessively thinking what can go wrong in a given
situation. People who lack trust in their partner will tend to ruminate when their partner is not
with them in close proximity, under their watchful eye. This type of relationship is not
desirable because mistrust and jealousy show too much dependence and neediness.
Rumination can also be linked to unhappiness and even depression. Constantly ruminating
will end up causing less trust within couples.

Once mistrust occurs, a partner may attempt to protect themselves in order to avoid certain
arguments and controversies (Holmes, Rempel & Zanna, 1985). This protection works like a
shield that does not allow the other person into their own life. Emotional and physical
distance is created, and the couple starts to grow apart. Is a relationship ruined when trust is
out the window? Not if you can re-build it.

Take the trust quiz at

Click HERE!!!
 RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 23

Paradoxical Intervention Technique:

This one is really cool. I am going to give you some homework. Whatever it is you and your
partner fight about, I want you to purposely spend only 20 minutes a day fighting with each
other. That time period is used for all complaints and arguments. Before and after that time
period, fighting is off limits. This is used to show you that you can indeed control your
behavior and therefore change it.

Another critical component of healing trust is knowing how to forgive and how to ask for
forgiveness. We often do not let go of past injustices. It is almost as if we are both keeping a
scorecard to see who needs to suck up or try harder than the other. This is childish and
serves to create distance. Gaining the skill or forgiveness is vital for your relationship’s
survival.
 RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 24

Understand Forgiveness
Resolving the Pain (Move Forward)
We understand where pain comes from in relationships, the behavioral cycle that plays out,
the effects of mistrust, and how important needs are. I’ll show you how to resolve the pain
and fix your relationship.

When trust is lost, your partner cannot rely on you to take care of their needs. Emotional
Focused Therapy (EFT) posits three areas that we all subconsciously assess and ask our
partner in times of need.

We understand where pain comes from in relationships, the behavioral cycle that plays out,
the effects of mistrust, and how important needs are. I’ll show you how to resolve the pain
and fix your relationship.

When trust is lost, your partner cannot rely on you to take care of their needs. Emotional
Focused Therapy (EFT) posits three areas that we all subconsciously assess and ask our
partner in times of need.

These areas are:

1. Accessibility – Can I reach you?

2. Responsiveness – Can I count on you to respond to me emotionally?

3. Engagement – Do I know you will value me?

Ask yourself and your partner these questions. If you have any doubt in these areas, then it
is imperative that you locate the event that causes the pain and put them through the six
steps below.
 RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 25

Six Steps to Forgiveness

1. Have the hurt partner talk about the pain specifically and how it affected their sense of
safety. If there have been incidents in which the trust was lost, then the hurt partner
needs to be able to fully express how much they were hurt by the incident and how it
affected them without any judgment from the other partner.

2. The hurting partner acknowledges their part in the pain. The partner that did the harm
fully accepts their responsibility in causing their partner’s pain. They do not argue with
this because whether they agree or not, their actions did cause their partner pain.

3. Partners reverse the never-again victim status. Partners share their depth of emotions
after the event. Partners sit with their emotions and truly discover why they were so hurt
by the incidents. This increased awareness will help the hurting party really empathize
with how they hurt their partner.

4. Injuring partner expresses remorse in their part. The person that hurt their partner needs
to show that they feel bad about what they did. This is not an excuse to lay on the guilt,
but rather the person that caused the pain is allowed to say how they felt hurting their
partner.

5. Injured partner expresses what they need from their partner. They are asked to tell their
partner, “I need ___ from you in times of need or stress.” Answers could be, “I need you
to tell me that I am your everything and that you will never leave me for someone else.”

6. Couple creates new story. They talk about how the event shaped their problems, and
then speak on how they will overcome it by learning from it. Ultimately, they learn how to
prevent other injuries.

By correctly following these six steps, you and your partner will mend the wound that
constantly injures your relationship.
 RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 26

Couples Intervention Technique:

If you and your partner are on the verge of ending things, try going back to where you fell in
love with each other as a last ditch effort. Re-create the whole scene. Pretend you are just
meeting each other for the first time. I usually say to couples, “Since you are breaking up
anyways. I want you to go back where you met and rekindle everything and replay how you
met.”

How to Restore Trust

A common assumption about trust building is that it is built over time. The uncertainty
reduction theory supplements this thought. It also shows that trust is increased with more
positive interactions. The theory suggests that people will tend to seek out information in
order to reduce uncertainty about their partner. This information or self-disclosure could be
beneficial or harmful. It is possible that couples could learn information that is undesirable.
This is why trust is better built when people see each other more often on a regular basis.

A new a client that has difficulties trusting their partner would go through her phone
whenever he felt insecure. Of course, 99 times out of 100 there was nothing there for him to
get upset over. However, the one time he saw a message from a past boyfriend on
Facebook, he lost it! They delved deep into a huge fight. Emotions were high, the horsemen
were present, and things were said that he could never take back. He confirmed his self-
fulfilling prophecy, and the relationship soon ended.

What I attempted to have the clients do was work on regaining trust by eliminating the
negative effects of rumination. Restoring trust is about both parties accepting that they are
somehow at fault for the loss of trust.

This will reduce resentment and increase intimacy. As intimacy increases, so does self-
disclosure. When both partners are straight up more and become vulnerable, they gain a
better understanding of how their respective partner will act in a give situation. It has been
shown that higher levels of self-disclosure are correlated with higher levels of trust (Holmes,
Rempel & Zanna 1985).
 RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 27

Both couples must avoid being narcissistic, shameful, angry, and afraid. They must also feel
optimistic and empathetic towards their partners (Smith, 2006). Being empathetic with your
partner allows you to put yourself into his or her shoes. When you understand how your
partner feels based off of your actions, you will be better at monitoring your own actions.
Most pain caused in relationships of couple I work with is caused unintentionally. The person
just neglects to take the time to consider how their actions will affect their partner.

I mentioned earlier that if your relationship was like a house, then the two pillars holding it up
would be trust and commitment. Commitment is by far the best predictor of whether or not
you and your partner will stay together.
 RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 28

Understand and Rebuild

Commitment (Three Keys)
Around 66% of unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up
happily married five years later. The ability to make decisions in daylight rather than
darkness probably makes sense for marriage. If we decide whether we want a relationship to
continue at a time when we are tired and the relationship is stressed, we are almost certain
to end the relationship. If we choose instead to make our decisions when we feel safe and
peaceful, we are more likely to make a decision that will serve us well over time. There are
three keys that couples can follow to set up a foundation of strong commitment with each
other.

1. Make the relationship primary.

With many demands on our time, sometimes our marriages only get small fragments of
leftover time and energy. This is likely to leave the relationship starved and empty. In
contrast, when decisions must be made about how we use our time and energy, the effect on
the relationship should be considered.

2. Set limits on intrusions.

For commitment to thrive, a couple must be willing to set some boundaries. For example, a
couple might decide that they will not invite a member of the extended family to come live
with them unless they have discussed it together and have come to agreement. Some
couples agree not to talk with anyone outside the relationship about their marriage problems
unless that person is a friend of the relationship – that is, someone who wants to help them
succeed as a couple. Some couples decide that both partners will avoid going out to dinner
or spending time alone with someone who could be a threat to the relationship. Some
couples agree to carefully monitor their feelings of attraction to others outside the
relationship so that they won’t allow outside attractions to grow.
 RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 29

3. Building rituals of connection.

Each couple can design rituals of connection that will sustain relationship commitment.
Some couples worship together or take classes together and share their discoveries with
each other. Some couples take time for hugging, walking, running, or other exercising. Any
activity that helps a couple to feel close can strengthen and support commitment. For many
couples, it takes years to find the right activities that both partners enjoy. Any activity that
helps a couple feel close can strengthen and support their commitment.

Start viewing your relationship as its own living entity. Love, time, and appreciation are the
food, water, and air it requires to survive. When things are tough and couples are faced with
the challenge of leaving one another, those are the defining moments that help a couple
decide whether or not they should continue to show commitment. A break in commitment is
when the couples’ needs are not being met. This usually results in a loss of trust.

A break in trust also comes from pain inflicted on your partner. People often times are
unaware of how their actions affect others. We learn certain packets of emotional reactions
and four deadly behaviors from early childhood experiences with our parents. We are often
not aware that these reactions become over-reactions in times that our needs are not being
met.

If we commit ourselves to one person for life, this is not, as many people
think, a rejection of freedom; rather, it demands the courage to move into
all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that
love which is not possession but participation.

I once met an old man while traveling by train in Europe from Spain to France. He was a
British man married to his wife for over 50 years! Once I told him what I did, I naturally asked
him how he made it work. He told me one word three times over: compromise, compromise,
compromise
 RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 30

Understand Compromise
“In order to win in the loving relationship you must learn the art of losing.”

This is the hardest and most profound way to be happy in your relationship. It is about letting
go of the little fights for the greater whole of your relationship. If your partner wants to watch
“The Bachelor” or The Warriors game, but you can’t stand it, you freakin’ watch “The
Bachelor” or the damn game!

You may be thinking, “But I have to stand up for what I believe in, and I don’t want to give in.
Shouldn’t I stay true to who I am?” My answer to that is: how bad is it really to spend an hour
out of your day to make the person you care about most happy? Is watching a certain show
or doing a small favor too difficult in order to show that you care?

You should stay true to who you are. However, you should only draw a line in the sand for
what’s truly important: how to raise the kids, what to do with money, how you prefer physical
intimacy. You compromise on all of those little things that don’t matter at the end of the day.

If you want less conflict and a happy relationship, then master this one technique. In order to
win, you must learn to lose. I am not saying always give in to her or do something dramatic
like buy her a diamond ring just because she wants one. You should understand where your
boundaries lie.

Think to yourself, “Is this really that big of a deal?” Most often, it is not. We tell ourselves a
little story that says, “Little things are a big deal and that you shouldn’t give in because if you
do, then they’ll win.” We assume that they will take advantage of us. Who gives a damn if
you are right? You know who does? Children. Stop taking score of who owes who what.
 RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 31

That is insecurity and fear talking. Love and appreciation says, “I want to make this person
happy because seeing them happy makes me happy.”

Once you start doing things for your partner for absolutely no reason, they may be confused.
However, overtime you will start to become intrinsically rewarded just to see them happy.

The most powerful thing about love is that you only need to give it in order to feel its power.
Never make it conditional.
 RECONSTRUCTION JOSH HUDSON 32

Understand It ALL
You now possess the tools and knowledge needed to mend your relationship. You possess
deep insight to the underlying causes of pain, fear, insecurity, and lack of trust. You can go
from unconsciously riding Four Deadly Horsemen to understanding your attachment and
schema type and what that means for your relationship. With this blueprint and these tools at
your disposal, you are able to not only fix your relationship when it is damaged, but you can
rebuild it into one that will stand the test of time.

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