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Few, if any, psychologists and psychotherapists working today would endorse Freud’s
approach to dream analysis unreservedly. Nevertheless, key themes identified or
elaborated by Freud continue to make their presence felt in many contemporary
efforts to understand these mysterious products of the sleeping mind (e.g.,
Bootzin, Bower, Zajonc & Hall, 1986; Faraday, 1974; Potkay & Allen, 1986,
p.96)—and, in particular, in those attempts that spring from an explicitly
psychodynamic perspective (e.g., Ivey, Ivey & SimekMorgan, 1997). Among
these Freudian themes are the assumption that dreams at least sometimes have a
function or purpose, and that they may reveal powerful meanings and motives
from the dreamer’s life (Hadfield, 1954, p.15); that dreams may illuminate or
refer to current problems stemming from the dreamer’s early experiences in her
or his family of origin, frequently involving the dreamer’s primary caregivers
during childhood (Ivey et al., 1997, pp.252–254); that the content of dreams is
often disguised symbolically (Faraday, 1974, p.52); that at least sometimes
there is a sexual element in this symbolism (Ivey et al., 1997, p.245); and that
the technique of free association is a valuable tool in achieving a satisfactory
analysis of dreams (Krippner & Hughes, 1977, pp.114–115).1
This essay will present an analysis of two dreams and, while not cleaving strictly to the
Freudian approach, will nevertheless exploit those techniques and themes
referred to above that are among Freud’s legacies in contemporary therapeutic
practice. In particular, the approach outlined by Ivey et al. (1997) will loosely
guide the analysis. Each dream will first be recounted, followed by a distillation
and analysis of the meanings that emerged from free association on each
segment of the dream, drawing, where appropriate, on the elements of Freudian
1
Freud saw wish fulfilment as the principal purpose of dreaming (Potkay & Allen, 1986, p.98).
Interestingly, however, this key element of Freud’s theory does not seem to have survived as a central
feature of many modern approaches to dream interpretation.
Jim Beattie Methods of Counselling A—
Dream Analysis
theory already mentioned.2 Finally, a brief attempt will be made to illuminate a
common theme linking the dreams to each other, in a way reminiscent of Jung’s
focus on dream sequences (Potkay & Allen, 1986, p.99). Appendices A and B
contain an edited version of the free association material, as extracted from a
taperecorded free association session on each dream.
Analysis
Free association on this dream threw up the suggestion that the image of Linda riding a bike
was primarily functioning to draw attention to the issue of sexual orientation.
The most resonant association for me was with the notion of “dykes on bikes”:
Linda has only recently come out as lesbian (she is now 39 years old), partly in
response to finding a partner she wanted to spend her life with. (Her partner,
Allana, actually rides a motorbike.) Previously, I was the only member of the
family who knew about her sexual interest in women. She had confided in me
because she knew about my own sexuality, although it is curious that my
parents and other siblings also knew about and fully accepted my relationships
with men prior to my marriage to Kate, whereas Linda did not feel comfortable
2
In the interests of a more accessible style, and to reflect the personal quality of this self-analysis, I will
refrain from referencing each point of contact between my analysis and these theoretical assumptions, and
will only cite references when I introduce further, significant theoretical concepts.
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talking to others in the family about her own complex sexuality until very
recently. (See also Appendix A, segments 2 and 6.)
I can identify no conscious grounds for concern about Linda in her current relationship.
Allana met the family last Christmas and was an instant hit with us all: she
fitted in extremely well, and seemed to enjoy being among our family very
much. However, perhaps this dream indicates, in part, an unconscious concern
about where Linda’s sexuality, or this particular relationship, might be taking
her. Might there be some conflict between her relationship and her creative
activities—symbolised by the “clash” between the “dyke on a bike” and the
organ? For example, does she have enough time and energy now to pursue her
creative interests, which include music and leather craft?
Another concern that arose is the possibility that Allana is leading Linda to become more
“materialistic”—as evidenced by Linda’s request last year to borrow a
substantial sum of money from me not long after becoming involved with
Allana, and after having firmly rejected an earlier offer of financial support
(Appendix A, segment 6). This interpretation is supported by the fact that I
recalled my former partner Richard’s debt to me during the free association, and
also observed that he rode a motorbike (Appendix A, segment 6).
In response to these interpretations it might be pointed out that Linda’s sexual orientation is,
strictly speaking, irrelevant to the issues I have identified: she would most likely
experience similar potential obstacles to her creative activities if she were in a
relationship with a man rather than a woman; and her request for a loan could
equally have been prompted by a male partner encouraging her to change her
mind about her big brother’s offer of support. So why should there be an
apparent reference to her sexual orientation in my dream? Of course, dreams
need not follow normal logical precepts; so there may be no “reason” at all for
this apparent reference. Perhaps it was just a convenient way of making it clear
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that it was Linda’s current relationship that was somehow troubling my
unconscious mind.
Nevertheless, it is interesting to note that in my free association I made a small Freudian slip:
I accidentally said “Lindon” rather than “Linda” (Appendix A, segment 2).
Lindon was a lesbian friend of Kate’s, with whom I have not been in touch
since before Kate died. Lindon was quite critical of Kate for pursuing a
relationship with me; her view was that I should be out as a gay man and that
Kate should be rekindling her teenage exploration of relationships with women
—or at least finding a man who was unequivocally “straight”: there was no
place for ambiguity or complexity in Lindon’s ontology of sexual desire. This
slip does not seem to amplify any of the emotional themes of the dream in a
significant way, but is nevertheless consistent with my feeling that sexual
orientation is at the heart of the dream, and is not just a convenient way of
denoting Linda’s relationship with Allana.
It is perhaps worth mentioning that Kate rode a motor scooter when she was much younger,
so perhaps the complexity of her own sexuality is also echoed by the presence
of the “dyke on a bike” symbol in my dream. This would tie in with the fact that
my most recent experience of the sense of distress, concern and leaping to
someone’s help that characterised my behaviour in the dream stems from my
time as Kate’s support person during the six years of her illness (Appendix A,
segment 4)—although the intensity of the distress I experienced during that
period vastly overshadows that of the dream.
This particular connection with Kate does not resonate very strongly with me, although this
might be an indication of resistance on my part (Ivey et al., 1997, pp.257–258),
and Kate might well loom larger in a more sustained and probing free
association. The possible sources of resistance around this interpretation that
occur to me are: (a) that I may not yet be prepared to acknowledge and deal
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with the full degree of pain and distress I experienced as a result of Kate’s
illness and death; (b) that I may be unwilling to address the extent to which her
illness “spoiled” my life, and our life together, and prompted me to put many of
my own needs and plans on hold for a significant period of time; or (c) that I
may not want to accept the full complexity of Kate’s own sexuality. Options (a)
and (c) seem unlikely, because of the extent to which Kate and I spent a great
deal of time discussing and sharing our feelings about both these matters.
Option (b), however, is an issue I was never able to address adequately with
Kate, and may well be a source of resistance to the interpretation under
consideration.
The substance of option (b) has some relevance to the interpretation I discuss immediately
below. But the question arises whether it is straining the bounds of reasonable
interpretation to see Kate directly symbolised in the dream in the way suggested
above. This raises a concern about the possibility of “overinterpretation”, and
the fact that I may be projecting my current dominant concern in life—Kate’s
death—onto virtually any matter that seems vaguely related. The same concern
could equally be expressed in relation to the interpretation that follows. The fact
that this is an exercise in selfanalysis makes this a relatively harmless
possibility, given the high likelihood that Kate’s death will figure in many of
my waking and sleeping thoughts, anyway. However, it issues a salutary
caution about the possible risk of interpreting others’ dreams through the prism
of one’s own preoccupations.
There is some plausibility, then, in the suggestion that both Linda’s relationship with Allana
and certain aspects of my role in Kate’s life are of some concern to me
unconsciously, although only limited plausibility in the notion that these issues
exhaust—or even dominate—the ultimate meaning of this dream. This prompts
the suggestion that the dream may be more a disguised reference to my own
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situation than a direct reference to either Linda’s relationship or my relationship
with Kate, and this does ring true with my own current preoccupations and
experiences. Having recently, as a result of Kate’s death, found myself at the
end of a 10year monogamous marriage—a marriage which followed a period
of 10 years or so of relationships with men—am I perhaps concerned about how
I might cope with a relationship with a man at this stage of my life, and where
such a relationship might lead me? Might it interfere with some of my other
current life plans—for example, my resolve to spend more time pursuing my
love of the piano—or perhaps generate serious cognitive dissonance (Bootzin et
al., 1986) in relation to the value I place on my relationship with Kate?
If this is to be defended as a credible reading of the dream, the first question to be addressed
is why it is Linda rather than me in the dream. One possibility is that this
signifies resistance on my part to dealing with some aspect of my own sexual
orientation, or some of the possible consequences of it in my life. For example,
I have some difficulty in acknowledging that I have been telling myself, since
some time before Kate died, that I would most likely seek a relationship with a
man after Kate’s death. Hand in hand with this is a feeling of guilt about even
wanting to form another relationship after Kate—and about having thought
about this while she was still alive. The fact that it is likely to be with a man
rather than a woman may therefore add the insult of “betraying” Kate’s gender
to the injury of “infidelity” in seeking another relationship of any kind.
On a couple of occasions before her death, Kate said she was jealous about the prospect of
my having another life after she was gone, and that what she really wanted was
for me to die with her. At many, many other times, however, she expressed
great support and concern for my life, and for my relationship prospects after
her death. This latter view is the dominant thought I have at the conscious level;
but the dream may be picking up on the more negative of these messages I am
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carrying around with me. Further, the fact that in the dream I leap to Linda’s
help is perhaps a reminder that my “proper role” in life (i.e., the one that has
dominated the past six years or so) is to leap to the support of the women in my
life, and that my desire to pursue a relationship with a man may be an avoidance
of my “responsibility” in this regard. That is, I may be fearful that if I get
involved with another woman, she, too, will become too needy for me to be able
to pursue some important interests of my own (e.g., music).
In this context, it is interesting to note that the other salient association I had with the bike
was as a phallic symbol—a classic Freudian device (Appendix A, segment 2).
This is consistent with the notion that it is my own, rather than Linda’s, sexual
orientation that is at the heart of the dream. From this perspective, the dream
depicts my lesbian sister riding a “penis” into an “organ”—another possible
phallic symbol—giving a strong male homosexual connotation to the episode.
From this perspective, then, the fact that it is a significant—living—woman in
my life who features in the dream may indicate that my fear is not just about
where a possible relationship with a man might lead me to, but also about what
it might lead me away from—i.e., away from women—which I might
unconsciously construe as a rejection of the most significant and sustained
relationship in my life so far—my relationship with Kate.
This may well be the real point of the dream: to express a sense of apprehension about
whether I’m “heading in the right direction” in following my desire to rekindle
my affectional interest in men after a sustained heterosexual relationship: will I
“fall off my bike” if I do so? Will any women fall off their bikes, and therefore
be “casualties” of this choice of mine? Certainly, if I had begun to pursue this
course while Kate was still alive, then she would have been a casualty. Perhaps
my unconscious mind has not fully accepted Kate’s death yet, in which case
there is a sense in which she is a casualty of my current life direction. Of
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course, the same would apply if I were contemplating a relationship with
another woman. However, the prospect of a relationship with a man “betrays”
both Kate herself and her gender, and therefore contains two significant
emotional challenges rather than just one.
[1] Mary and Martin are visiting me, along with a youngish adult female; it’s
not clearly Kate, Emma or Pat, but could be any one of them—or someone else
entirely (I’ll call her X). [2] I have an impression of the three of them sitting
alongside each other in silence, but with Martin’s face glowing a bright red
colour. There is a very unpleasant atmosphere, as if Martin has just said
something that has made all of us feel very uncomfortable, and I am struck by a
sense of guilt. [3] At some stage I go to X and ask her what she thinks I should
do about “the money”, but she is somehow elusive, and I don’t get a clear
answer. I get the impression that there is some sort of romantic involvement
between us, but this is only a very vague feeling. [4] The next image I have is
of the three of them leaving. Martin and I attempt to shake hands, but we only
manage to connect with the tips of each other’s fingers before our hands slide
apart.
Analysis
Several possible symbolic structures emerge from the free association on this dream. The
clearest meaning derives in part from the literal content of the dream, which
makes reference to an unresolved financial issue between Martin and me. Kate
essentially bequeathed her whole estate to me, including a substantial sum of
money that had been given to her by her mother towards the purchase of our
home—money which Kate construed as a gift from Mary’s share of her joint
estate with Martin. However, Martin has always refused to acknowledge that
Mary had any estate of her own to bequeath, believing that a woman’s only real
function in life was to provide support for her man. He therefore rejects totally
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Kate’s interpretation of this money as a gift from Mary and, since learning
about the terms of Kate’s will, has sought to persuade me to give him money or
property to the value of Mary’s original gift. This is a source of ongoing
conscious concern for me, and will remain so until I reach a point where I either
go along with Martin’s demands, or come to feel fully comfortable with
endorsing Kate’s wishes in relation to the money (Appendix B, segments 1 and
2).
One important psychodynamic symbol that arose in free association was Martin’s role as both
a father figure (Appendix B, segment 2) and a bully (segment 3). This insight
has helped me greatly towards understanding why I have taken his point of view
so seriously in agonising over this matter, considering that on the surface it
would so clearly be to my advantage financially and psychologically simply to
endorse Kate’s wishes—Kate being the person whose values and judgements I
most respected and shared in reality. While my own father was never a bully, he
did punish me for misbehaviour during my childhood (Appendix B, segment 2),
and I also experienced schoolyard bullying at primary school (segment 3). This
suggests that a part of me wants to “please daddy” and thereby avoid his
punishment, as well as please the “angry bullyboy” and escape being “beaten
up”—in addition to getting the bullyboy to like me into the bargain (Appendix
B, segment 3).
The fact that the dream combines the weight of both the bully and the father in the one
individual gives me an insight into why it has become so important in my life to
persuade people in general—and men in particular—to like me. That is, not
only am I reenacting the strategy which, in my childhood and adolescence,
actually extricated me from the role of bully’s victim, but I also seem to be
seeking some substantial emblem of fatherly love from the rest of the world—
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an interpretation that has clear echoes of a classic Freudian explanation of
homosexuality (Ruse, 1988).
What adds tension to my current situation is the fact that the person I have been most
concerned to “please” so far in my life is no longer alive. This means that if I
decided to capitulate to Martin’s demands, any costs of “displeasing” Kate
would be purely selfinflicted, and may seem more manageable to me because
of that. By contrast, Martin is alive and (reasonably) well, and therefore a
potential source of external, less predictable and more “real” punishment—most
notably, by continuing to be the only significant person in my life I have not
managed to “win over”. So at one level I am presented with a choice: either I
take one last shot at getting Martin to like and respect me, thereby incurring my
own internalised version of Kate’s wrath and disrespect—and not necessarily
succeeding with Martin anyway—or I honour Kate’s judgement, thereby
leaving myself exposed to more tangible bullying and punishment from Martin
—and perhaps from my own conscience as well.
It is valuable to observe here that, whereas I want Martin to like me, I don’t particularly like
him myself. Furthermore, I would probably not like him very much even if he
was quite fond of me, but was otherwise the same person. This underscores the
fact that it is not Martin personally I am primarily seeking to please in this
situation, but rather Martinasfatherfigure and Martinasbully. This
realisation makes it clear to me that, even if I did go along with his demands, I
would not thereby be addressing the underlying issue that was prompting me to
cooperate with him, but merely playing my old “game” of “seduce the
bully/daddy” (cf. Berne, 1964).
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A Possible Connection
Other potentially significant features of the Martin Dream include the ambiguity of X’s
identity, and my “faulty” handshake with Martin. Several intriguing reflections
on these features arose in the free association (Appendix B, segments 3 and 4),
including a particularly Freudian reference to my mother (Appendix B, segment
3). As there is insufficient space to explore all these elements here, I shall focus
on the ambiguity of X’s identity, as it highlights an apparent point of contact
with the Linda Dream.
Some aspects of X’s identity in the dream align this character closely with Kate. For
example, there is my feeling that I am somehow romantically involved with X.
As well, Kate used to handle most of our financial affairs and I relied on her
judgement in most money matters; so it makes sense that I would seek her
advice about what to do about Martin’s demand for money. The fact that I fail
to get a clear response from X may be reminding me that I can no longer rely on
Kate for this sort of guidance: “Don’t come to me for help—you’re on your
own now”. There is some evidence, then, that the ambiguity in X’s identity is
simply the product of my poor recall of the dream.
However, in reality Kate was the person I would have been most able to identify correctly
and easily, and at the time of the dream she was the frequent focus of my
waking attention. This suggests that X’s ambiguity is most likely an important
element of the dream—or at least the consequence of some form of resistance
that arose at the time I sought to recall the dream. Either possibility would make
this a significant feature of the analysis.
Free association produced the notion that the ambiguity of X’s identity may be symbolic of
gender ambiguity, and I speculated that there might be a connection between
this dream and the Linda Dream—which, incidentally, occurred the night before
the Martin Dream. Given the sense I have of a romantic involvement with X, it
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appears that my reallife uncertainty about the gender of a possible future life
partner—along with the associated matrix of concerns gestured at in the
previous analysis—is at least a subtheme of this dream as well, in addition to
the overt financial issue. In fact, the two themes may be connected. For
example, I have some conscious concerns about my loss of Kate as a strong
source of financial guidance and advice, and I may be unconsciously entwining
this issue with my apprehensiveness about possibly “turning against” Kate’s
gender in future relationships: will I also be turning against the wise—albeit
conservative—stability her financial planning brought to our lives, in favour of
an approach that is more “gay and irresponsible”? The fact that X fails to give
me a clear response to my question may therefore be a symbolic synthesis of
two matters that are—or perhaps should—be of concern to me: the realisation
that Kate is now absent from my life as a source of advice and guidance; and
the fear that such reliable advice may not be available to me in a possible future
relationship with a man.
Conclusion
Free association within a psychodynamic framework yielded several interesting and
significant insights when applied to two recent dreams, including a possible
thematic connection between the dreams. In particular, there was evidence of
symbolism relating to current lifeissues that appear to have their source in early
familyoforigin experiences, and several examples of classic Freudian symbols
relating to sexuality that were complex and vivid, although sometimes
disguised. Indications of some possible points of resistance were identified and
briefly explored, and a concern was raised along the way about the risks of
overinterpretation when seeking symbolic meanings that go beyond the literal
dream narratives.
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Finally, it is worth observing that the processes of free association and analysis undertaken
here frequently produced an “Aha!” experience which seemed to signify that a
particular direction in the analysis was “correct”. However, this was primarily
an intellectual response, in spite of the fact that many of the issues that arose are
still highly charged emotionally for me in daily life. I rarely had the sense that
the clarity arrived at in the analysis was being of any real help to me in dealing
with the issues in question. This suggests that, having reached some
understanding of these issues, the next valuable step for me might be to work
through the dream analysis again within a gestalt framework (Bootzin et al.,
1986, pp.590–591), with the hope of connecting this understanding with the
hereandnow emotional reality of my life.
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References
Berne, E. (1964).Games people play: The psychology of human relationships. New York,
NY: Castle Books.
Bootzin, R.R., Bower, G.H., Zajonc, R.B., & Hall, E. (1986). Psychology today: An
introduction (6th ed.). New York, NY: Random House.
Faraday, A. (1974). The dream game. New York, NY: Harper & Row.
Hadfield, J.A. (1954). Dreams and nightmares. Harmondsworth, Middlesex: Penguin.
Ivey, A.E., Ivey, M.B., & SimekMorgan, L. (1997). Counseling and psychotherapy: A
multicultural perspective (4th ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn and Bacon.
Krippner, S., & Hughes, W. (1977). Dreams and human potential. In H.–M. Chiang & A.H.
Maslow (Eds.), The healthy personality: Readings (2nd ed.) pp.106–126. New York,
NY: D. Van Nostrand.
Potkay, C.R., & Allen, B.P. (1986). Personality: Theory, research and applications.
Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.
Ruse, M. (1988). Homosexuality: A philosophical inquiry. Oxford: Basil Blackwell.
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Appendices—Free Association Material
The material below was extracted from an hourlong taperecording of free association which
was guided only by the text of each segment of the dreams, and my spontaneous recollection
of other details of the dreams. Repetitive material has been omitted, and some themes and
associations have been left out in order to avoid excessive length, although the “stream of
consciousness” flavour of the session has been preserved.
Numbered, italicised paragraphs are segments of the dream; comments in square brackets and
small typeface are explanatory—i.e., they are not part of the actual free association material.
Appendix A
Dream 1—The Linda Dream
[1] I am standing outside a garage that seems to be set up as living quarters,
and am looking into the garage.
[1] Associations: garage at the big white house in Bicheno; not just a garage but also a home;
other general associations: home; past; no really clear emotional associations with this
segment.
[2] My sister Linda suddenly appears from behind me riding a bike (probably
a motor bike, which, in the dream, seems to belong to an old and close friend
of mine, Alan, who never owned a bike in reality). Linda rides into the garage.
[2] Associations: type of bike ambiguous: pushbike? motorbike? tricycle? (latter unlikely);
associated emotion: some sense of apprehension/concern; unable to link this feeling with
earlier childhood emotion at this stage, but I do have a recollection of me riding pushbike as a
child, hitting a gutter and falling off (no serious injury); another association at this stage is
with “dykes on bikes—I was at the Mardi Gras parade this year, and was very moved by the
enormous contingent of dykes on bikes leading the parade; sexual orientation seems to be the
main focus here; the reference to Alan bears this out—he’s gay and a former partner of mine;
bike also seems to be a phallic symbol—does this imply that it’s not necessarily Linda’s
sexuality that’s at issue? Freudian slip here—I say “Lindon” instead of “Linda”.
[3] She glances backwards, notices me and is distracted. Her hand slips off
the handlebar and she almost loses control of the bike.
[3] Associations: concern that my presence has distracted Linda; have I perhaps led Linda
astray in life—distracted her from her main purpose? Could this tie in with the reference to
sexual orientation? [I was leading an openly gay life for the 10 years or so before my marriage to Kate;
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Linda has only recently come out as lesbian.] No clear emotional associations with an earlier time
here—could this be resistance—to what? Nothing suggests itself; think about this later.
[4] She cruises gently into an electronic organ (or piano?) in the corner of the
garage; the garage now seems clearly to me to be her home, although it is
still garagelike.
[4] Associations: [In real life, Linda has an electronic organ at home; I have a digital piano and I used to
have a baby grand. Linda “dabbles” as a musician, whereas I have played professionally in the past, and
continue to play quite well, but not professionally at the moment.] Concern about both Linda and about
possible damage to the organ; recollection of a visit I made to Linda some years ago; organ
was covered up (not being used much), me sleeping in room where organ was housed; Linda
was single at the time; pleasant visit: friendly, easygoing. Main emotion at this stage of the
dream is one of slight distress; association with how I felt when I went away to boarding
school at age 11—feeling in need of support/help (which I received in some ways from my
older brother who had preceded me in going to boarding school); also recall this feeling as an
empathic response to Linda’s and Jane’s [my other sister] arrival in Hobart for high school, and
needing to be their “big brother” in times of trouble; recollection of Linda’s car accident (no
serious injuries, but car virtually written off); operation on her breast for (what turned out to
be) a benign lump; echoes of my wife’s recentlyended encounter with breast cancer; Linda
pulled up for drinkdriving a few years ago; lost her licence; considerable concern for her at
that stage; some anxiety that I wasn’t able to help her directly at that time [Linda lives in
Tasmania; I was living in Melbourne] ; recollection of time in 1992 when I worked in Devonport,
Tas; Linda also living in Devonport for part of the year; good times catching up with her after
not much contact for more than a decade; also, recollection of damage to my baby grand
piano during frequent removals, especially when I moved from Tasmania to live in Adelaide
in 1979.
[5] She “bounces” off the organ gently and disappears from view around a
corner in the garage.
[5] Associations: slight sense of relief that Linda seems not to have been hurt, and the organ
also seems to be undamaged; no clear associations with this feeling, although a generalised
association with the feeling I have when an expected “bad” event doesn’t materialise. [This
reaction actually follows segment 6 below, but makes more sense in the narrative of the dream if included at
this point.]
[6] I leap forwards to help her, and in reality find myself “leaping” upwards
in bed. I wake up.
[6] Associations: My leap to Linda’s aid (both in the dream and in bed)—a spontaneous
response to help Linda when she’s in need; recollection here of the fact that Linda owes me a
substantial sum of money, from last year (1997) when Kate and I lent her money to pay off a
debt in relation to which there was the threat of legal action against her; Linda very
embarrassed about asking us for help, but realised that Kate and I would be most able to help
of any of the family; I have no conscious concern about the fact that this debt hasn’t yet been
repaid, and at a conscious level I wouldn’t be particularly concerned if it was never repaid;
but I’m also aware that, given that I’m currently not earning a regular income, there may be a
time in the future when I need to call on that money; also, recollection here of previous offer
of a smaller sum of money to Linda (from Kate and me) when she was going through a
difficult time, but the offer was rejected/cheque returned; sense of puzzlement when, more
recently, she actually requested a loan; concern that this might have been the result of the
influence of her (then relatively new) partner, Allana, whom none of the family had met at
that stage; recollection of the fact that a former partner of mine, Richard (also a motorbike
rider), still owes me a much smaller sum of money from the early 1980s, and that he has cut
off any contact with me, apparently because he feels guilty about not having repaid the debt
(at some level he may have forgotten the debt itself but formed a generalised “negative”
association with me, and rationalised some other excuse for not wanting to keep in touch with
me); am I concerned at some deep level that Linda may never pay the money back either, and
that she, too, might “cut me out” as a way of dealing with that situation? recollection that I
had tried (unsuccessfully) to phone Linda the evening before the dream, to thank her for a
birthday card and message left on my answering machine; I had tried to call her a few times,
to no avail; (could she be avoiding me, like Richard?).
Appendix B
Dream 2—The Martin Dream
[1] Mary and Martin are visiting me, along with a youngish adult female; it’s
not clearly Kate, Emma or Pat, but could be any one of them—or someone
else entirely (I’ll call her X).
[1] Associations: no real cognitive or emotional associations with this segment; there has
never been a time when such a visit as the one depicted in the dream was a realistic
possibility; this prompts the thought that this is a “visit” in some other sense; worth noting is
the fact that both Mary and Kate have died; there is therefore a sense in which this dream
represents a “visit” from beyond the grave—doubly so if the ambiguous X is in fact Kate; but
there is no sense of the numinous about the dream: the emotions and events all seem to be
quite prosaic and mundane. However, Martin is still alive, and a literal visit from him is
extremely unlikely (he lives in Adelaide and has hardly travelled outside that city in the past
20 years); does this mean that the dream visit symbolises a “ghostly” visit from Martin—a
reminder to me of issues that remain unresolved between him and me—with Mary and X
present because the main unresolved issue between Martin and me involves decisions made
by both Mary and Kate before their respective deaths?
[2] I have an impression of the three of them sitting alongside each other in
silence, but with Martin’s face glowing a bright red colour. There is a very
unpleasant atmosphere, as if Martin has just said something that has made all
of us feel very uncomfortable, and I am struck by a sense of guilt.
[2] Associations: sense of foreboding associated with this segment; may have been some
speech in this stage of the dream, but my recollection is that something had been
communicated to me in a nonverbal way about Martin’s disapproval of me—his red face
seems to symbolise this nonverbal communication; visiting Mary and Martin was always a
rather tense and slightly unpleasant experience: Martin holding silent sway over Mary, she
being too afraid to express her own views on most important matters, for fear of being
ridiculed or told to be quiet by Martin; a generally cold and unloving environment (contrasted
with Martin’s “hot” face in the dream—his strongly held and expressed views on most things
usually being the only source of real emotion in their house—little jollity/frivolous
conversation/humour, etc., in spite of Mary’s lively nature, and her rather poorly conceived
attempts to create this sort of atmosphere; emotions and feelings at this stage involve guilt,
nervousness, tenseness; my impression in the dream is that he has just said something to me;
my association here takes me to the main unresolved practical issue between Martin and me,
in relation to the terms of Kate’s will. Earlier associations with my guilty feeling in the
dream: as a young child, I was punished (at least once) for swearing—my father put hot
mustard on my tongue; awareness of Martin as a possible father figure (similar to my father
in age, some aspects of background, emotional coolness, political/social views, etc.); feeling
bad about doing wrong; another association (from when I was about 17): I appeared before
the Commissioner of Police along with a couple of other boys, with whom I had played a
prank on a former boarding hostel involving impersonating a police officer.
[3] At some stage I go to X and ask her what she thinks I should do about “the
money”, but she is somehow elusive, and I don’t get a clear answer. I get the
impression that there is some sort of romantic involvement between us, but
this is only a very vague feeling.
[3] Associations: I’m expecting X to tell me how to handle this situation with Martin;
resonates with my relationship with Kate when she was alive; is the ambiguity of X’s identity
merely a product of poor recall? I think not: seems to stand for gender ambiguity—possible
connection with the theme of last night’s dream? Will/should my next romantic involvement
be with a man or a woman? The fact that X’s identity is ambiguous, and that she offers me no
guidance when I ask her for advice in the dream, may also be reminding me that nothing in
life is very cut and dried—sudden flash here of the title of the ABC TV program For Love or
Money, and the thought that even when we think we’re at our most certain in both love and
money matters, there’s always room for ambiguity and doubt; another association here to my
sometimes obsessive concern to “do the right thing” morally: I suspect that many other
people finding themselves in my situation would hardly hesitate in rejecting Martin’s claim to
a substantial portion of Kate’s estate, whereas I tend to see both sides of the picture—another
example of ambiguity/uncertainty that is consonant with the character and role of X in the
dream. How does the sense of uncertainty I experience in X’s nebulous response to my
request for advice relate to my early reliance on my mother for advice? My mother was
occasionally very distraught and emotional about the stresses of her role of mother (and the
stresses created by our meagre financial circumstances, and the fact that, more often than not,
my father was absent from the home because he had to work extremely long hours to earn the
relatively small income we lived on); I have no sense that my siblings and I were not able to
rely on our mother emotionally and materially, but as an adult it has become clear to me that
she is unwilling to offer advice on many matters. Is there something in this dream about the
apparent disparity between Kate as a source of wisdom and guidance for me (and as the most
significant woman in my adult life), and my mother as not being a source of such wisdom (as
well as being the most significant woman in my life before I met Kate)? Now that Kate has
gone, do I perhaps feel as if I have noone to turn to for advice on financial matters?
Association here with my realisation that I relied on my parents in the normal way
(emotionally, materially, etc.) up until the age of 11, when I was sent away to boarding
school. I still saw them at school holidays, and they showed great concern and interest in my
progress at high school, but there was a sense in which I was lacking their support in a day
today way from this age onwards. This move to high school also marked a very conscious
effort to “reinvent” myself: at primary school I had always been easily provoked to tears by
bullyboys: I grew up in a small country town where being very intelligent, slightly built and
a bit “pretty” were distinct disadvantages. I made strenuous efforts to shake off my “cry
baby” selfimage when I went away to high school, and the way I achieved this was to
become wellliked by the other boys (who were more sophisticated than my schoolmates at
primary school)—by becoming a champion athlete and sportsman, by achieving excellent
academic results, and just by working really hard in interpersonal interactions to make others
like me (and therefore refrain from bullying me). My association with this aspect of my early
life links in with my relationship with Martin, whose demeanour in the dream (and
sometimes in real life) is strongly reminiscent of that of the bully (also, recall the bright red
face; in principle this might have represented either anger or embarrassment, but my
association from the red face very strongly throws up a sense of his anger). So I’m torn
between doing what I know will please the bully (giving him the money), and therefore
appease this deeply grounded need in me to avoid provoking potentially belligerent “boys”,
and doing what honours Kate’s wishes, and also respects my own sense of worth in the
world. I want to be able to do something that will please both Martin and Kate, but there
seems to be no way to achieve this.
[4] The next image I have is of the three of them leaving. Martin and I attempt
to shake hands, but we only manage to connect with the tips of each other’s
fingers before our hands slide apart.
[4] Associations: handshake invokes the notion of grasping—for money, for help, for
support, human contact. The fact that we only manage to touch the tips of each other’s fingers
reinforces the lack of closeness (both emotionally and physically) between us; this reminds
me of some aspects of my relationship with my own father, although in recent years we have
moved towards a greater degree of physical closeness (e.g., we hug on greeting and
departing), although it’s still an uncomfortable closeness (possibly relating in part to my
father’s awareness of my complex sexual orientation, but not strongly: he’s the same with my
more clearly heterosexual brother); so one association I have is of a fatherlike figure slipping
from my grasp (does this symbolise my failure to win him over, to make him like me and to
accept Kate’s and my point of view in relation to the money?); another association, though,
relates to each of us grasping for the money that now divides us: me grasping in the sense of
wanting to hold onto the money; Martin grasping in the sense of wanting to get back what he
interprets to be his own rightful property. There is also the sense in which Kate has slipped
through both our fingers, and the only tangible thing that continues to connect me to Martin is
this dispute over money. Each of us has lost the most precious thing in our lives, and now we
each seem to be battling to hold onto this symbol of Kate. But whereas Kate was the most
precious thing in each of our lives, there has never been a sense in which Martin has
welcomed me into his heart and made me a precious part of his life, and similarly I haven’t
done this with him either. But perhaps another message of the dream is that we are both
missing out on something important by letting the issue of money come between us, as I
would stand to gain another “father” and he would gain the “son” he always wanted but never
had, if he and I somehow resolved our differences over the money. I’m reminded that I’m not
sure I have ever actually shaken Martin’s hand: greetings and farewells are usually a very
matteroffact affair with him. An association with the feeling of clinging to a ledge, holding
on for my own life—if I fall I’ll die—perhaps what I see slipping through my fingers is my
life with Kate; not being able to hold her literally or figuratively any more; and if the money
is symbolic of Kate in the dream, this would also account for the ambiguity of X’s character
(this person can’t “really” be Kate if she is also, figuratively, the money...). Perhaps the
dream is also portraying me as having to “let go” of Martin as a line of contact with Kate: he
can’t give me any of the things that Kate did. Also worth noting that, at one level, I do feel
guilty about not giving the money to Martin; also annoyed about the way Kate left it until
after she’d died before Martin found out about her will.