2019/7/23 How to Become a Good Stepfather

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How to Be a Good Stepfather

by Dore Frances, IEC, Ph.D., founder of Horizon Family Solutions,

LLC

Being a stepfather can be fulfilling and challenging. When you marry

a person with children, you need to consider them part of a package
deal, to be loved, nurtured, and protected to the best of your ability.

Be a good example to your stepchild. Drinking, drugs and smoking

have no place in a home with children in it. This may not be the
politically correct position, but from the effects of second hand smoke
on young lungs, to the acceptance of illegal drugs, these are not
good behaviors to model for children.

Balance the gifts and time you give your own children with the
stepchild. They are a part of your family, not to be treated like
second class citizens or outcasts.

Be patient when waiting for your new stepchild to respond to your

affection, caring and love. Often, the child is deeply wounded by
circumstances involving their biological father, and building a new
relationship is threatening to them.

Be yourself. It is almost impossible to set up a pretence of doing,

being, enjoying, or acting in ways that are not YOU. You may
impress your step child for a while, but the real you will emerge
sooner or later.

Discuss decisions which effect your stepchild with his or her mother.
Don't sign them up for a summer at a camp or sports club without
talking it over with her. Don't buy them firearms...or fireworks, even
seemingly harmless ones like paintball guns or bb guns without her
knowledge and consent.

Help plan the future of the children. It may fall on you to begin a
savings plan for college expenses, the first car, and helping to find
that first job.

Keep your negative opinions of the child's biological father to yourself

unless you are asked directly, and be circumspect when this occasion
happens if there is a risk of an emotional overflow.

Invite the child to participate in your own activities. If you fish, golf,
or do other hobby activities where it is appropriate, take your
stepchild along. Not only does this give them a chance to see what
you enjoy, but it gives their mother a break.

Never argue with the child's mother in front of the child, and be
especially careful about making derogatory remarks about her where
the child may hear.

Respect the child's mother's disciplinary and homework regimens,

and when you think they may be out of line, talk to her privately
about your concerns, not in front of the child.

Respect the child's private space. Any child, from preteen through
their teen years deserve a reasonable amount of privacy and private
space, and unless there is serious concern about the child's behavior
or activity, the more space they are given, the more trusted they will
feel.
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Remember, being a stepdad is a leadership role as part of a team.
Accept the unique qualities of each team member, the limitations,
even the eccentricities. There will be good times, even great times,
but there will be conflict, disagreements, and letdowns. Patience,
love, and a sympathetic view will help you through these challenges.
You are the adult, no matter what the situation, you need to
remember that, and that problems may seem huge, but often will be
forgotten in tomorrows rush, or laughed about next year.

Spend time with the stepchild in their activities. Helping with

projects, school work, and attending sporting events or clubs like
scouting they are involved with will show them you are willing to
support their efforts.

Show the child you are willing to help out in housework. In this age
with so many mothers working to support or help in supporting the
family, it is important for children to understand that keeping a
household is a family job, not just the mother's.

Talk about computer games, video games, and other cultural

influences with their mother. Social pressure will often press on Mom
to let them do it, whatever "it" is, because everyone else is doing
"it". Each family needs to have its own standards and ethical codes to
live by. The child's mother needs your support and input on deciding
whether to let the child have graphic or violent video games in the
home, or allowing them to go to "R" rated movies with their friends.

Watch how your step child interacts with your own children if you
have any. Jealousy is toxic to any relationship, and when this
appears to be occurring, try to head it off immediately. To maintain a
happy family atmosphere, step-sibling anger must be dealt with fairly
and prudently.

Do not let the idea of wanting to be a "best friend" cloud your

judgement. When a child wants to do something dangerous or that
their Mother disapproves of, they may try to enlist you as an
advocate for them, and this puts you at odds with their Mother, your
wife.

Becoming a stepfather puts you in a position of responsibility for

protecting the child from a host of dangers. Be aware of the risks
which the child faces and be on the lookout for dangers around the
home. Small children suffer from terrible harm every day because of
carelessness.

You will need:

A good sense of humor
Patience
Understanding

Dore Frances, IEC, Ph.D., is an educational consultant, child's rights

advocate, parent coach, specializing in working with troubled teens and
their families in the United States, Canda, and abroad. See her site at:
www.guidingteens.com or contact her by phone at:(541) 312-4422, or
email at:Dore@DoreFrances.com.
See our listing on ISER.COM

Disclaimer: Internet Special Education Resources (ISER) provides this

information in an effort to help parents find local special education
professionals and resources. ISER does not recommend or endorse any
particular special education referral source, special educational
methodological bias, type of special education professional, or specific
special education professional.

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