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The 20 Words You Should Never, Ever Say

to Your Partner
Even at your angriest, avoid these words and phrases at all
costs.

By Emma Baty Sep 15, 2017

GETTY

Even at your angriest, avoid these words and phrases at all costs.

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DIVORCE
"Once you throw out the 'D' word, especially in anger, it's like a bell has been
rung, and you can't unring it," says relationship expert and advice columnist April
Masini. "Throwing out 'divorce' is like throwing down the third rail. You shouldn't
touch it. You shouldn't say it unless you mean it. And you definitely shouldn't use
it as a tool to get your partner's attention. " 

RELATED: The Top 100 Date Night Ideas of All Time

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ALWAYS OR NEVER
"Absolutes should never be said to your partner," says pre-marital counselor and
wedding officiant Hope Mirlis. "The words 'always' and 'never' are rarely true and
they're usually said out of anger or frustration. As in 'you always prioritize your
friends over me' or 'you never offer to cook dinner.'" Instead, she suggests
sticking to the facts, which gives you a way to be honest about what's bothering
you without immediately putting the other person on the defensive. "I use a
technique with couples that starts with a statement of a fact rather than finger
pointing," Mirlis explains. "So, 'I noticed that you've seen your friends four times
this week, but we haven't scheduled a date night.' Or 'I cooked dinner every night
this week.'"

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SHUT UP
"'Shut up' tends to spill out in the middle of a fight or when a partner is upset or
annoyed," says relationship expert and CupidsPulse.com founder Lori
Bizzoco. "But saying 'shut up' is highly aggressive. 'Can you please be quiet?' can
deliver the same message in a calmer manner that doesn't feel so violent." 

RELATED: 21 Things Your Partner Should Never Ask You to Do

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YOU'RE NOT MY MOM

"It's common to say this when someone is feeling as if their partner is being too
nurturing, overprotective, or controlling," Bizzoco says. "But the last person your
partner wants to be compared to is your parent. Their feelings will likely be hurt,
especially if they have good intentions." Before you let those words slip out, "try
letting them know what you prefer they not do rather than making them feel like
they're coming on too strong." 

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YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT

"Any kind of personal insult is an act of emotional violence,"  says Maggie Reyes,
life and relationship coach at ModernMarried.com. "Belittling is especially
destructive, so never, ever turn to phrases like 'you are such an idiot' or 'you have
no idea what you are doing.'" Angry words like those cause tension in the short-
term — but they can also erode the connection you've worked so hard to build
and make it harder to reconnect down the road.

RELATED: 10 Ways to Tell Him You Love Him Without Words

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YOU'RE PATHETIC
"You should always avoid labeling your partner when you're dissatisfied with his
or her behavior," says Karolina Pasko, a registered divorce and sex
therapist. "When we label a person, they get defensive right away." Stick to
observations about your S.O.'s behavior, instead. "This way, you're opening up a
conversation around how they can change what they're doing."  

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YOU HAVE TO DO THIS

"You should never speak to your partner in the authoritarian manner reserved for
unruly children or pets," says Margaux Cassuto, founder of
ThreeMatches.com. "These words rob a relationship of the equilibrium couples
are endlessly trying to achieve. Healthy adult relationships are based on a mutual
respect and thrive when each person feels they — and their opinions — are
valued."

RELATED: 15 Signs You're In an Unhappy — or Loveless — Marriage

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YOU ARE SUCH A FAILURE

"Hearing these words is like branding failure into your soul," says relationship
expert Audrey Hope. "You can't take them back, even if they were uttered in
anger and rage. They will linger and become a self-fulfilling prophesy." 

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I WISH I NEVER GOT INVOLVED WITH YOU

"Or, 'I wish I was still with [fill in the blank].' Bringing up a former lover or
relationship is about the worst thing you can do," Hope says. Even if it isn't true,
"your partner will always believe it."

RELATED: A Week In the Life of An Open Marriage

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YOU NEVER TAKE ME OUT ANYMORE.

"Phrases such as 'You never take me out anymore' are often just emotional, with
little basis in reality," says licensed marriage and family therapist Mercedes
Coffman. Even their positive counterparts — "I will always be here for you," or "I
will never lie to you" — set you and your partner up for a loss of trust, Coffman
warns. "There will come a time when a partner won't be available or will tell a lie,
regardless of their intentions."

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DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT ...

"Complete honesty in relationships can often seriously backfire," says Julienne
Derichs, a licensed marriage counselor. "In relationships, intimacy, comfort, and
closeness are often confused with  'unbridled self-expression', which is where a
person lets the flood gates open. Sometimes I hear people say 'I'm just trying to
be open and honest' in defense of their behavior. But being open and honest does
not mean spouting off thoughts and feelings without consideration of your
partner."

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With Other People

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YOUR MOTHER IS SO....

"When you're mad, leave his or her mother out of it," Masini says. "Same goes for
the step kids. It's hard to recover from denigrating parents and children, even if it
was in the heat of an impassioned argument."

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YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME

"Any language that is accusatory in nature is best avoided," says Erin Wiley, a
licensed clinical psychotherapist. "I counsel couples to speak about their feelings
in a non-threatening way, by focusing solely on their own experience in a conflict,
not on their partner's behavior." For example: "Instead of saying, 'It makes me
so angry when you leave laundry in the washer for days because it's obvious you
don't care about me,' you could say, 'I feel so angry when I try starting a load of
laundry and can't do it because there are still clothes in the washer. It feels like
more work for me, and that's overwhelming.'"  

RELATED: 9 Signs You're Having an Emotional Affair — And What to Do About It

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CALM DOWN
"There are few things more condescending than someone telling you to
calm down in the middle of an argument," says Shawnda Patterson, a certified life
and dating coach. "Telling an adult to calm down can be seen as dismissive. It
can also demonstrate your partner's lack of respect when it comes to your
feelings. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who treats their
feelings like they're invalid."  

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YOU'VE GAINED WEIGHT

"This one's damaging because it goes to someone's self-esteem, and will forever
make them feel self-conscious in and out of the bedroom," says relationship
expert Esme Oliver. If you're legitimately concerned about a partner's health, "a
better way to address this is to suggest things like eating healthier together or
taking long bike rides on the weekends. This will encourage weight loss for both
parties without hurting your partner's feelings." 

RELATED: 11 Signs Your Husband is Still Madly in Love With You

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SORRY, BUT...
"Saying sorry can be incredibly reparative for a couples — but how it's said is
most important," Oliver explains. "When a 'but' follows an 'I'm sorry' it
negates the 'I am sorry.'"

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WHAT DID I DO NOW?
"Asking your partner 'What did I do now?' is also extremely dismissive,"
Patterson says. "It sends a message that you know you are always the bad guy
or girl in their mind." Nobody likes to be made to feel like they're constantly
nagging or complaining, which is why saying this can cause the other person to
shut down. "In cases like these the typical response is 'never mind,' or 'why do I
even bother?'," Patterson notes. "This is their way of avoiding a possible
argument momentarily, but it doesn't resolve the issue."

RELATED: 40 Sweet Ways to Say "I Love You"

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YOU'RE WRONG TO BE ANGRY

"Never tell your partner how they should or shouldn't feel. Feelings aren't right or
wrong — they're feelings," says life coach Thomas Gagliano. "A person who feels
like their feelings don't matter to their partner will feel like they don't matter." 

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YOU DON'T TURN ME ON ANYMORE

This is another fallback for couples in the heat of the moment. "When you're
calmer, you will likely try to tell your partner that of course you didn't really mean
it," says Wendi L. Dumbroff, a licensed professional counselor. "But over time,
thoughtless comments like these can begin to destroy trust." Not only will your
partner start to question whether or not you still care, "But it can also destroy
the assumption of emotional safety in a relationship if you throw out angry words
like those," says Dumbroff. "When you don't have that, it's hard to keep it
together." 

RELATED: 50 Unfiltered Celebrity Quotes About Their Divorces

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I DON'T CARE
"Saying that you don't care stimulates a primitive fear of abandonment in most
people and can make your partner feel worthless," says sexologist Sunny
Rodgers. "Being in a loving relationship means always caring about your partner,
no matter what."

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