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WEEK

1: WHAT IS EVERY NATION CAMPUS





Every Nation Campus is a nationwide campus organization that is passionate about preparing
students for LIFE.

EN Campus achieves this by teaching and coaching students in the areas of Leadership, Integrity,
Faith and Excellence; and empower them to live out their purpose, and pursue life-giving
relationships with others and with Jesus.

LEADERSHIP. We believe that every young person has the potential for leadership, and this
leadership potential can be best developed when students learn how to serve others. We aim to
raise up a generation of servant leaders.

INTEGRITY. We believe integrity is of prime importance in this world of shifting moral standards.
EN Campus not only trains students to become leaders but to be men and women of character.

FAITH. We believe that having faith in Jesus is important for the students’ overall development.
We seek to encourage students to pursue a dynamic relationship with Jesus and with others.

EXCELLENCE. We believe that developing an attitude of excellence is a key for young people to
be able to fully realize their enormous potential. We motivate students to be the best they can
be and give the best they can give in all their endeavors.

I. General Objectives

At the end of this course, students are expected to:
1. Develop an understanding of their identity;
2. Discover their life’s purpose based on an understanding of their identity (1);
3. Identify key relationships and learn how to maintain healthy connection with people;
4. Grow in their communication skills within relationships; and confidently and
intentionally build relationships with new people.

II. In-House Guidelines

1. Come on time.
1 – 15mins after = grace period
15 – 30mins after = late

2. Submit assignments at the beginning of the class during the grace period.

3. For activities, assignments and journals, emphasis is placed on effort.
WEEK 2: SELF


I. IDENTITY

Internal identity dictates external lifestyle, just as nature dictates action. A fish swims
because it is a fish. Your identity dictates how you lead your life. Unfortunately, many people live
their lives not knowing who they really are. They have assumed an identity that was “dictated” to
them by their circumstance, people around them, culture, etc. We’ll look into some of the pitfalls of
not knowing your identity.


Pitfalls of not knowing your identity

Objective: To realize the importance of knowing one’s identity
Activity: Random roles (Appendix W2)
(Point: Not knowing your identity will render you clueless of your purpose, causing you
to wander aimlessly in life)


1. You Won’t Know Why You’re Here

Not knowing your identity means not knowing your gift area, not knowing what you are
created for. When you are operating outside your makeup and purpose, you are more prone to
fatigue and failure, you will be striving.

Video: show clip of Ice Age

Just like the mammoth-turned-possum Ellie, not knowing and understanding how you are
“wired” will cause you to be awkward in life, unhappy, constantly searching for more.


2. You Won’t Know Your Worth

If you don’t know who you really are, you’ll never realize just how special you are. You will
never realize that there are many things in this life that only you are qualified and wired to do. Not
knowing your value will directly affect how you treat yourself.

(Illustration: paper plate vs. ceramic (any, more expensive) plate)

Take for instance you were handed a plate. Once you realize the “identity” of that plate,
you figure out the worth of that plate, hence will determine how you’ll handle it. If you were
handed a paper plate, you know that it only costs roughly 5 pesos per piece, it is something you
dispose of after use, and you don’t have to worry about dropping it. It will be a different story
though if you were handed a ceramic plate.
Taking this principle, knowing your value will determine how you will treat and take care
of yourself.
3. You reduce your identity to the sum of your upbringing (where you were) and your
environment (where you are at)

Studies propose that identity is constructed by the factors surrounding a person growing up.
Through these factors (people around you, circumstances encountered) you form a set of beliefs
through which you define yourself, which then forms your self-concept. That, is who you say you
are.

Mike Tyson - youngest heavyweight champion ever at age 20 in 1986, earned $140 million
at the height of his career, got hooked in drugs, alcohol, sexual immorality and failed marriages
along the way – has nothing but this to say today, “I don't know who I am. That might sound stupid.
I really have no idea. All my life I've been drinking and drugging and partying, and all of a sudden
this comes to a stop.” Even his therapist, Marilyn Murray, stated that he exhibits a pattern typical
of people who were traumatized at an early age by circumstance and environment. Haling from the
Brooklyn slums, he grew up watching his alcoholic mother being beaten up by multiple boyfriends,
and was in a juvenile detention center by age 12. Because he grew up in a destructive and
dysfunctional environment, he has also been leading a destructive and dysfunctional lifestyle.

Although the influence of our upbringing and environment is very real and not negligible,
there is much more to our identity than that. Since we live in a flawed world, with flawed people,
basing our identity on that gives us a flawed self-concept. Therefore, to know our real identity, we
have to turn to the right source, our Designer.


(Psalm 139:15-16a)

“My frame was not hidden from you when I
was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.”


Activity:
Students form groups of 3 or 4 members and identify and discuss which pitfall
they can relate with.

Journal: (homework)
Write about your past experiences in life and how you think it has
influenced who you are today.

[ Note: it will be helpful for the facilitator to give an example. This will be a chance
to share a bit of one’s testimony. This act of trust will also draw the students to
trust you.]
WEEK 3: IDENTITY- TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF

Objective: To have a holistic understanding of the basis of one’s true identity.

Activity: DISC test and explanation


1. You Are a Unique Design

If you study the details of your physical makeup alone, you will realize just how much
thought has been placed in your design. Our characteristics are determined by the DNA in our
cells. Studies show that you’ll find 3 billion characteristics in every person’s DNA strand. These
details then determine your characteristics… your being tall and having curly hair, the color of
your skin, eyes, hair, the shape of your face. And this goes beyond the physical, for it also
determines your being a book-lover or musically inclined, even your being a DI or DC (based on
the DISC test).

Although there are certain characteristics that all humans have, there are no two people
alike. For instance, there could never be two people who would have the same fingerprints,
voiceprints, or eye nerve pattern. Even identical twins would still have differences, both physical
and behavioral. Some of internal characteristics that would be unique to a person would be
thoughts, attitudes and emotions. No two people could ever have the same thoughts or
emotions.

And it is very crucial that we understand this, or else we will end up always comparing
ourselves with others, or trying to be someone we are not. Like the animals in The Animal School
fable.

Tell the fable of The Animal School


2. You Are Designed for a Purpose

You were not designed that way for nothing. The 3 billion characteristics in your DNA
that describes who you are, are there for a reason. When you were created, there was a goal
in mind. You were not just a product of a random event in the past. This means that you were
created on purpose, and for a purpose. Your purpose is uniquely yours, so is your very design…
externally or internally.

Illustration: You may pick one of the animals from the Animal School and talk about its
characteristics and purpose;

Ex: duck’s webbed feet are designed that way to help it swim fast and fly a bit… not for
competitive running

You may also pick a thing or a gadget (e.g. phone, pen, car, etc.) and talk about its design and
purpose
Our Designer created us specially, uniquely and for a reason.

(Psalm 139:13-14)

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know
that full well.”

Activity:

Students form groups of 3 0r 4 members and discuss this question:

“What experiences did you have that affirmed your identity or caused insecurity in you about
your identity?”
WEEK 4: SELF-GOVERNMENT- INTERNAL GOVERNMENT


Objective: To have a holistic understanding of Self-Discipline.

Warm- Up

1. Whose leadership do you truly admire? Why?
2. Did you make a New Year’s Resolution at the start of the year? Share one thing was on
that list. Were you able to follow through on it?

If purpose is the leader’s identity and if vision is the leader’s foresight, then internal
government is the leader’s credibility. You may have a purpose and vision that you hold on to, but
it is self- government that will hold you.

Every Nation Campus is here because we believe that each one of you will govern one day
– in politics, the business world and in other areas of society. We are here to train you not only to
be skilled, but also to become governors with character. Without character, you will not become
the kind of leaders that will make a positive impact in our country. One character trait vital for
leadership is internal government.

Internal government is who you really are without anyone watching.

* A person with internal government will stop at a red light even where there’s no traffic
enforcer.
* A person with internal government will properly dispose of trash even when no one is
watching.

* A student with internal government will not cheat in his/her exams even if he/she will not be
caught.

* An employee with internal government will not use company – owned stationery for
personal use even if no one will discover about it.

* A father of a family with internal government will not commit adultery even if no one will find
out.

* A religious leader with internal government will not use his/her God-given authority to
commit immorality even if it can be kept a secret.

* A political leader with internal government will not take advantage of his/her position even though
he/she is the highest ranking public official of the land.

As a leader, you may have purpose, you may have vision, and you may have integrity, but
without internal government, you will end up abusing your power. As we have seen in history, there
have been many leaders and political figures who abused and perverted their power.
A. PRINCIPLES OF INTERNAL GOVERNMENT


1. You can’t govern others if you can’t govern yourself.

Good government is no substitute for self-government.
- Mahatma Gandhi (Hindu Indian Philosopher)

Example:

A father cannot tell his children to wake up on time if he himself cannot wake up on time.

In the same way, unless you have the capacity to first govern yourself, then you will not have
the ability to govern others.

2. The less internal government you have, the more external government you will require.

The failure in governance in certain spheres results in the need for other spheres to step
in and cover the deficiency. This is especially true in internal government. The less internal
government there is in a people, the more external rules and enforcers are required to ensure
that the society remains peaceful and orderly.

Illustration:

When you drive a car, you are expected to stop at red lights, stay in your lane and drive
safely. But because most people don’t do this, the civil government has to hire people, such as
MMDA traffic enforcers, to watch crucial intersections.

People are expected to dispose of their garbage properly, but because they lack the
internal government to do this, these metro aides must be hired to clean up after them.

If people drove properly and disposed of garbage in the right manner, they would not need
these external forms of government. They would, in effect, be more free.

3. Internal Government comes through God

If our people had more internal government, they would not need external forces to make
them align with what is right. This is not just true on the level of nations and societies, but on the
individual level as well. Our actions and words are only the results of what we think or feel on the
inside. In other words, we do not need to control our actions or words as much if we can govern
our thoughts and feelings.

Therefore, in order to truly govern ourselves, it is not enough to merely discipline yourself or force
yourself to change. Real internal government starts on the inside, on the level of our thoughts and
feeling. This will result in a governed life. How can this true internal change be brought about? This
leads us to our third principle on internal government…

TRUE INTERNAL GOVERNMENT CAN ONLY COME FROM GOD.
(Ezekiel 36:26) (The Message Bible)

“I'll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I'll
remove the stone heart from your body
and replace it with a heart that's
God-willed, not self-willed.”


Activity:

Students form groups of 3 0r 4 members and discuss this question:

“In what areas in your life do you need more internal government?”
WEEK 5: RELATIONSHIPS

Objective: For students to appreciate their relationships and be equipped to develop
healthy relationships.
Needs: human bingo sheets, picture of Dead Sea, picture of King Solomon, example of
relationship map, blank sheets of paper

Activity: Map out the key relationships in your life.


I. Introduction

As we look back, we realize that our lives consist of people who impact us all those years
– whether in a positive or negative way.

Relationship is very important, it is impossible to live apart from relationships.
Interestingly, even how we come into being is out of a relationship of a couple. When we were
born, the relationship we had with the people who took care of us was vital, we were totally
dependent on them. As we grew up, we begin to socialize and we start to learn to share, to
adjust to others, even compete with them… we learn that we are not the center of the universe.
In other words, we are built to be in relationships.

II. Realities of Relationships:

a) Fundamental source of learning
You can learn from books, from the worldwide web, etc.… but you learn the important
and character-forming lessons in life as you interact with other people. We learn to love,
to forgive, to adjust, even to fight, in relationships. Whether we are learning positive or
negative things depends on what kind of people we interact with.

b) Mutual
A healthy relationship is a mutual give and take. As mentioned, you need others. You
receive love, correction, encouragement, and you learn from others. On the same note,
others also need you. Having learned that you are uniquely designed for a purpose, you
have something that other people would benefit from, learn from. Leaning to either one
extreme end can eventually cause relational breakdown. You can’t just always be giving
and never receiving anything from others (whether that’s encouragement, advise, etc.),
your life will not be enriched, you will not grow. In the same manner, you can’t just always
be receiving and never giving, that will make you stagnant, no room for growth either.
Just like the Dead Sea.

Share the story of the Dead Sea.

c) Intentional
The dictionary defines relationship as a significant connection between two or more
people. In other words, you cannot have a relationship alone, nor will you enjoy the
benefits of relationships. And relationships just don’t happen, regardless of affiliation and
proximity. Although circumstances put us where sometimes relationship just happens -
like with your family - its quality is always determined by the intentionality. Intentional
relationship implies a mutual decision of two people to
invest themselves to a degree in their dealings with each other. This is investing time,
love, effort, and other resources. The more you invest on a relationship, the special it
gets, for you are continuously adding value to it.
But why would we want to do this? Let’s learn from the “wisest of all men” who
once was king of Israel…Solomon. Having vast wealth, properties and subjects, even
having 700 wives and 300 concubines, he emphasized the importance of having great
relationships in these lines…

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“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls,
the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real

trouble.” (NLT Ecc. 4:9-10)


Activity: Human bingo (relationship categories)

(NOTE: Process the activity afterwards)

Small Group Questions:

➢ How does your positive relationship affect you?
➢ How does your negative relationship affect you?
WEEK 6: NURTURING RELATIONSHIPS- COMMUNICATION


Introduction:

We learned from last week’s discussion that the quality of our relationship depends on our
intentional effort to nurture it. Even our “default” relationships (e.g. our family) will stagnate and
eventually break down if we don’t take care of it. And one basic means of nurturing our relationship
is through healthy communication.

Activity: Blind Thrower

III. Communication

Author, Norm Wright, defined communication as “a process (verbal and nonverbal) of
sharing information with another person in such a way that the other person understands what you
are saying”. This basically means connecting. It’s not just about talking, not just listening, not just
repeating what another person says, nor understanding the words spoken to you. Connecting
means seeing and feeling things the way the person speaking does. How is this done?

Aspects in Connecting

A. Understand the other person’s perspective

Understanding the other person’s perspective will definitely help you understand what
message he or she is conveying. Although this doesn’t mean you’ll always agree on that perspective,
at least try to understand it. Knowing their personality is one thing that helps. (Like what we learned
through the DISC test) But there is also a great need to learn to listen properly. Meaning, not a
“selective-listening” or fake listening, but really a “your-views-are-important” kind of listening.

Here are some keys to healthy listening:


Focus on:
Rather than:


i. What is being said
The way it is being said


ii. The meaning
The words


iii. Clarification of valid points
Defense of incorrect accusations


iv. Questions
Indictments


v. Understanding
Judgment

i. Focusing on the what is being said helps you not react to the way it was said (the tone,
the facial expression, etc.) that leads to not hearing what was said
ii. Listen out for what the person meant with what he/she said. Don’t be distracted and
get stuck on the words being used (like words that are funny or inappropriate or
offensive).
iii. In getting incorrect accusations, rather than getting into a defensive mode, seek to
clarify your points.
iv. On the other hand, instead of jumping into wrong conclusion and charge the person
as guilty of something, ask clarifying questions.
v. Seek to understand the person rather than judge him/her.


Being on the receiving end of a communication process, there is a need to relay what you are
“hearing” (that is, your understanding), to the other person… as mentioned above. By doing so, you
are conveying your take on what was said. Just like the blind thrower. Through the responses of the
ones receiving the ball, the thrower was able to determine whether it was a good or bad shot. And
was able to make the necessary adjustment.

(NOTE: You may also give a personal example on this).


B. Communicate to be understood

Another important aspect in connecting is the ability to communicate in a way that people
will understand what you mean. You communicate your meaning not only through words but also
through your tone and body language. The weight we give to each of these factors is: body
language 55%, tone 38%, words 7%.

There is a huge emphasis on the non-verbal communication. That’s why if you tell
someone you are happy to see him/her but you have a poker face, your jaws have a rigid set on
them, and the tone of your voice is flat…I hope you don’t expect that person to believe you.

Take for instance this true story of a 5 year-old kid and her yaya who were sitting on a
bench at a park outside their house. While the yaya was so engrossed, reading her comic book,
the kid started saying in a sing-song voice, “oh, the house is on fire…. there’s fire in the house”,
over and over again with her body rocking back and fort to the tune.

The yaya heard her but didn’t pay attention. Until about 5 minutes later, when she still kept on
singing, the yaya realized that the kid was not singing about anything on the comic book but that
their house was indeed on fire! Then she started screaming for help…but by then it was too late to
save the house.

Although the kid was 5, even adults commit this same mistake. It is therefore
important that we have self-awareness in communication. We need to be aware of our voice
tone, habitual body language and mannerisms. We need to make sure that our verbal and
non-verbal communications are aligned.

Good communication could have saved that house. Good communication could save and grow
your relationship.

Activity: Mock dialogues.

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,…”
(James 1:19)
WEEK 7: RELATIONSHIPS – 5 LOVE LANGUAGES


Activity: Love Language Profile Quiz

(Please note item # 25 is supposed to be “taking extended trips” not “knowing extended trips”.

Introduction:

We now know the importance of communication in the health of our relationships.
Language is our way to communicate. In all kinds of relationship, the key to its health is,
ultimately, love.

Love is the key factor to keep relationships from falling apart or mends it if it did…
whether at home, in school, with your friends, or at your workplace. If you treat each other in
love, you are guaranteed success in your relationships. When you are successful in your
relationships, you will also be successful in other areas of your life.



A. What love is NOT

Love is not just an emotion. It is beyond what you feel. It is a committed, intentional
decision to act accordingly, despite how you feel. This love is definitely beyond what we hear in
songs or have seen in movies, this is beyond the romantic love.

(NOTE: Please give a personal example wherein you acted in love even though your
emotions were telling you otherwise).


B. What love “looks” like

Now, there are different ways to communicate love to people. And people also have different
love languages. If we are to see eye-to-eye in love, we need to understand each other’s love
language. For instance, you could be communicating love to your mom by buying her gifts. But she
doesn’t seem to be happy about it, and keeps on complaining about you not helping her with
household chores. And now you are hurt because instead of appreciation, you get criticism. Turns
out that she feels loved if you do things for her, and you feel loved when she says good things to
you. This is an example of miscommunication. It’s like you are trying to tell her you love her in
Chinese when her love language is French.

(Note: Please share personal examples or stories on each language)
5 Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation

Studies show that people are greatly influenced by the words they hear through the years.
Whether in positive or negative way, depends on the kind of linguistic environment they grew
up in. But more so for people whose primary love language is words of affirmation. These kinds
of people feel more loved when they are hearing words of encouragement, words of praise,
kind words.

2. Quality Time

This is not just proximity but really being all there, mentally and emotionally present as well.
You could be in the same room with someone but be in another world, lost in your own thoughts.
A person who has this as primary love language values quality activities, quality conversations,
and appreciates quality listening. Even just being all ears to that person and encouraging
him/her to talk is already a big thing.


3. Receiving Gifts

If this is your primary love language then you would mostly likely express love and feel loved
by giving and receiving gifts. It doesn’t even have to be a grand gift in a special occasion, but
little things given for no particular reason matters so much to you.


4. Acts of Service

This love language is hard to come by for a lot of people in this “Me Generation”. Although
culturally, we generally express love through service (I’m sure you’ve heard of the bayanihan
concept, and how we, Filipinos, are known for our hospitality) service to people having this
primary love language screams love to them. Like gifts, it could be as little things like opening
the door for them, etc.


5. Physical Touch

Our body is made for touching. As we can see, unlike the other senses, touch is not
limited to one localized area of the body. There are people, however, who are just not
“touchy-feely” because of their upbringing and exposure. On the other hand, there are
people who feel very loved when you give them a pat on the back, a hug, a handshake.
Take note, however, that expression of physical touch is different between people of the
opposite sex; and that there are appropriate and inappropriate touches. (You may give
examples of each).
C. What Love Is

We have discussed what love is not and the expressions of love, but what really is this
love? This love that bridges over differing personalities, cultures, and breaks down prejudices
and stereotypes?

1Corinthians 13:4-8

5
“ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not
6
rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

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Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.”

a.
Love is patient, love is kind.
➢ You envy and boast if you are unkind.
➢ You are proud if you are unkind.
➢ You are self-seeking if you are impatient and unkind.
➢ You are easily angered and keeps record of wrongs if you are impatient and unkind

b.
Love rejoices in the truth (does not delight in evil)
- in the midst of the truth around you, you remain patient and kind

c.
Love is faithfulness
- You always protect, trust, hope, persevere.

d. Love never fails.

Small Group Questions:

1. How would you use your primary love language to relate or serve others?
2. With the person or people you have difficulty with, which of the 5 love languages would
be meaningful to them? How would you apply that?

(NOTE: You may ask them to write their answers on a sheet of paper before
discussing in groups.)

Journal:

Having discussed what love is, which attribute/s you think you need improvements on?
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
WEEK 8: RELATIONSHIPS – CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Activity: (Class Debate) “What Is Your Opinion?”

Ask the class whether they agree or disagree with the statements below. Ask all those
who agree to stay on one side and those who disagree on another, forming two teams. Each
team will then have to defend its stand.

You can choose all 5 or just pick a couple statements, depending on time.

1. Anong mas maganda, Kapuso o Kapamilya?
2. It is okay to modify the truth to avoid disagreement or unpleasantness.
3. An argument is a destructive force.
4. The best thing to do when having an argument is to remain silent or leave the room.
5. In the communication process, it is best to discuss certain matters and not others.
6. It is a sign of emotional immaturity for a person to be angry with another individual.


A. Conflict is inevitable.

Someone once said, “motion causes friction”. In the same manner, two or more people
moving together in relationship, causes friction. You cannot avoid conflict. In fact, conflict is
often the key to building relationships. An old proverb says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one
man sharpens another.” Conflict sharpens us. So we should learn not to run from it or deny
it. We should learn to embrace it and learn from it.

Conflict is beneficial only if you have a healthy conflict. You attain this when there is trust
and love between the people in conflict. You have healthy conflict when you come together
and deal with the possible causes of conflict, with a desire to lead to a resolution.

Destructive conflict, on the other hand leads to loss and relational breakdown. This is
often caused by pride, bitterness, and temper getting in the way of resolution.

As stated earlier, conflict is a natural part of any relationship. If you try to deny and avoid
conflict, what you will get is false harmony at best. It is a state of relationship wherein you
don’t have friction but you do not talk to each other, or you avoid each other. This causes a
relationship to stagnate. This will eventually lead to relational breakdown as well, albeit
silently.


B. Strong Emotion is NOT a bad thing.

Strong emotions have even launched some of the greatest actions and movements in the
world. Take for instance Mother Teresa. Her hatred of poverty and her deep love for God and
humankind led her to start an incredible work in Calcutta, which now has spread in different parts
of the world.

Deep hatred of oppression and love for our country and countrymen led Dr. Jose Rizal
to write Noli Me Tangere, El Filibusterismo, and started the La Liga Filipina. This move of
course was a spark for people to act and fight for our country’s freedom.
Even Jesus got angry when He saw that people were turning the house of God into a
commercial area and people were just going through the motions of offering sacrifice to God.

Having established that strong emotion is not a bad thing, what makes it bad? It is how
you handle it, what you do with it. For instance, Mother Teresa could have acted in a different
way. She could have chosen to be like the mythical Robin Hood and stolen from the rich and gave
it to the poor. Rather, propelled by her hatred for poverty she chose to act in love.

Ephesians 4:26-27

“"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not
give the devil a foothold.”

Proverbs 29:11

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”

Small Group Question:

Describe an incident wherein you were very angry at someone, or was offended by
someone, and what did you do?
WEEK 9: 5 LANGUAGES OF APOLOGY

Activity: 5 Languages of Apology Profile Quiz

Ask the students to take the quiz to identify their primary language of apology.

=> __Genuinely Repenting____

* => __Requesting Forgiveness__ =>

__Expressing Regret______

o => __Accepting Responsibility_

• => __Making Restitution______

Introduction:

We have learned that in any relationship, we encounter conflict at one point or
another. We also have learned that healthy conflict happens when both parties come
together to deal with the possible causes of the conflict with the desire to come to a
resolution. In other words, the goal is reconciliation.

Since in addressing a conflict, reconciliation is our destination, the question is, how do we
get there?


I. Bridge of Forgiveness

The bridge that leads us from conflict to reconciliation is forgiveness. One has to ask for
forgiveness (in other words, apologize) and another has to extend forgiveness… this is an act of
traversing the bridge from either party.








Conflict Reconciliation

The ideal picture is that both parties are taking the steps to cross the bridge of forgiveness
for them to reach reconciliation. When this happens, both are actually taking steps to growth (which
will be explained why, later) and even the relationship will be restored and taken to the next level
(if the offense was done by a stranger, there is no relationship that needs to be restored).

On the other hand, if the offender does not ask for forgiveness and the offended extends
forgiveness anyhow, there would be no genuine reconciliation and restoration of the relationship.
The offended is just choosing not to seek out justice for the offense and release the offender to God
for justice. In this scenario, only the offended is growing.
II. Languages of Apology

Apology is accepting responsibility for our behavior, seeking to make amends with the
person who was offended. And genuine apology is the step/s one takes towards the bridge of
forgiveness which (when granted access, that is when the offended forgives) leads to reconciliation.
Since healthy conflict builds relationships, good relationships are always marked by a willingness to
apologize, forgive and reconcile. Many relationships are cold and distant because we have failed to
apologize.

What people look for in apology is sincerity. But people have different definitions as to
what is a sincere apology. These differences are the languages of apology.


A. Expressing REGRET

A simple “I’m sorry” goes a long way. If you just launch into an explanation and tell the
offended that you will right the wrong, he/she will still be scanning for those missing words
(especially if this is his/her primary language). When saying sorry, the more specific, the better. Your
verbal and nonverbal communication should be aligned.

This is communicating to the offended that you feel hurt because you know your actions
have hurt him/her. It is this identification with their pain that stimulates in them the willingness to
forgive.

Statements of Regret:



I feel really bad that I disappointed you. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I
caused you so much pain.


At the time, obviously, I was not thinking very well. I never intended to hurt you, but now I can see that
my words were way out of line. I’m sorry that I was so insensitive
.
(NOTE: You may also give an example in Tagalog)


B. Accepting RESPONSIBILITY

This is admitting, “I was wrong”, “I made a mistake”. Instead of trying to justify our actions
and put the blame on someone or something else (e.g. traffic, when you’re running late) accepting
responsibility means, regardless of other factors, you are saying, “It’s my fault.”

For some people, hearing the apology language of accepting responsibility for one’s wrong
behavior is the most important part of an apology. It is what convinces them. For them, saying, “I’m
sorry” is not enough. They want to know that the offender understands that what he/she did was
wrong.

Statements:


The way I spoke to you was wrong. It was harsh and untrue. I spoke out of anger, trying to
justify myself. The way I talked to you was unkind and unloving. I hope you will forgive me.

I repeated a mistake that we’ve discussed before. I really messed up. I know that it was my fault.
C. Making RESTITUTION

This means making things right to make up for the wrong. For some people, this is their
primary apology language. The statement, “It is not right for me to have treated you that way,”
must be followed with “What can I do to show you that I still care about you?” Without this
effort at restitution, this person will question the sincerity of the apology. The question, “How
could you love me and do that?” would always be in their mind.

A genuine apology will be accompanied by a desire to right the wrongs committed, to make
amends for the damage done, and to assure the person that you genuinely care about him or her.
If you’re not sure what the offended might consider proper restitution, you might ask
questions like the following:

Is there anything I can do to make up for what I have done?


I don’t feel right just saying “I’m sorry”. I want to make up for what I’ve done. What would you
consider appropriate?

D. Genuinely REPENTING

Repentance means “to turn around” or “to change one’s mind”. The picture is that of
someone walking west then suddenly turns 180 degrees and walks toward the east, the opposite
direction.

In apology, it means that the offender realizes that his/her present behavior is
destructive. He/she regrets the pain he/she is causing the other person, and he/she chooses
to change his/her behavior. This is more than saying, “I’m sorry; I was wrong. How can I make
this up to you?” It is saying, “I’ll try not to do this again.”

Hence, if you keep on repeating the same offense, your apology is deemed insincere.
Sincerity of your apology is assessed based on the change in your behavior.


E. Requesting FORGIVENESS

For some people, it is important for them that the offender recognizes the need for
forgiveness. They need to actually hear the words, “Will you please forgive me?” instead of just
expressing one’s regret, admitting one’s fault, expressing the desire to make up for it, and the
desire to change.

Requesting forgiveness indicates to some that you want to see the relationship fully restored.
It shows that you realize you have done something wrong. And finally, it shows that you are willing to
put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended person.

Going back to the bridge illustration, after you have a spoken one of the other languages of
apology, when you ask for forgiveness, you are basically requesting the offended to grant you access
and to join you in crossing over that bridge of forgiveness towards reconciliation.
Colossians 3:13, 14

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. …. And
over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Proverbs 19:11
“A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”


Humility is the key. One of the attributes that we learned from that scripture on love is that, it is
not self-seeking. This is a picture of humility. When the offender apologizes, he/ she is acting in
humility by admitting his/her fault. When the offended forgives the offender, he/she is acting in
humility by choosing not to hold on to his/her right for justice for the wrongdoing.


Small Group Question:

Share a conflict you had or have and based on what you’ve learned now;
if it’s past, what are the things you would have done different to resolve it, if it’s
present, how would you deal with it?

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