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Focus on:
Rather than:
i. What is being said
The way it is being said
ii. The meaning
The words
iii. Clarification of valid points
Defense of incorrect accusations
iv. Questions
Indictments
v. Understanding
Judgment
i. Focusing on the what is being said helps you not react to the way it was said (the tone,
the facial expression, etc.) that leads to not hearing what was said
ii. Listen out for what the person meant with what he/she said. Don’t be distracted and
get stuck on the words being used (like words that are funny or inappropriate or
offensive).
iii. In getting incorrect accusations, rather than getting into a defensive mode, seek to
clarify your points.
iv. On the other hand, instead of jumping into wrong conclusion and charge the person
as guilty of something, ask clarifying questions.
v. Seek to understand the person rather than judge him/her.
Being on the receiving end of a communication process, there is a need to relay what you are
“hearing” (that is, your understanding), to the other person… as mentioned above. By doing so, you
are conveying your take on what was said. Just like the blind thrower. Through the responses of the
ones receiving the ball, the thrower was able to determine whether it was a good or bad shot. And
was able to make the necessary adjustment.
(NOTE: You may also give a personal example on this).
B. Communicate to be understood
Another important aspect in connecting is the ability to communicate in a way that people
will understand what you mean. You communicate your meaning not only through words but also
through your tone and body language. The weight we give to each of these factors is: body
language 55%, tone 38%, words 7%.
There is a huge emphasis on the non-verbal communication. That’s why if you tell
someone you are happy to see him/her but you have a poker face, your jaws have a rigid set on
them, and the tone of your voice is flat…I hope you don’t expect that person to believe you.
Take for instance this true story of a 5 year-old kid and her yaya who were sitting on a
bench at a park outside their house. While the yaya was so engrossed, reading her comic book,
the kid started saying in a sing-song voice, “oh, the house is on fire…. there’s fire in the house”,
over and over again with her body rocking back and fort to the tune.
The yaya heard her but didn’t pay attention. Until about 5 minutes later, when she still kept on
singing, the yaya realized that the kid was not singing about anything on the comic book but that
their house was indeed on fire! Then she started screaming for help…but by then it was too late to
save the house.
Although the kid was 5, even adults commit this same mistake. It is therefore
important that we have self-awareness in communication. We need to be aware of our voice
tone, habitual body language and mannerisms. We need to make sure that our verbal and
non-verbal communications are aligned.
Good communication could have saved that house. Good communication could save and grow
your relationship.
Activity: Mock dialogues.
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,…”
(James 1:19)
WEEK 7: RELATIONSHIPS – 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
Activity: Love Language Profile Quiz
(Please note item # 25 is supposed to be “taking extended trips” not “knowing extended trips”.
Introduction:
We now know the importance of communication in the health of our relationships.
Language is our way to communicate. In all kinds of relationship, the key to its health is,
ultimately, love.
Love is the key factor to keep relationships from falling apart or mends it if it did…
whether at home, in school, with your friends, or at your workplace. If you treat each other in
love, you are guaranteed success in your relationships. When you are successful in your
relationships, you will also be successful in other areas of your life.
A. What love is NOT
Love is not just an emotion. It is beyond what you feel. It is a committed, intentional
decision to act accordingly, despite how you feel. This love is definitely beyond what we hear in
songs or have seen in movies, this is beyond the romantic love.
(NOTE: Please give a personal example wherein you acted in love even though your
emotions were telling you otherwise).
B. What love “looks” like
Now, there are different ways to communicate love to people. And people also have different
love languages. If we are to see eye-to-eye in love, we need to understand each other’s love
language. For instance, you could be communicating love to your mom by buying her gifts. But she
doesn’t seem to be happy about it, and keeps on complaining about you not helping her with
household chores. And now you are hurt because instead of appreciation, you get criticism. Turns
out that she feels loved if you do things for her, and you feel loved when she says good things to
you. This is an example of miscommunication. It’s like you are trying to tell her you love her in
Chinese when her love language is French.
(Note: Please share personal examples or stories on each language)
5 Love Languages
1. Words of Affirmation
Studies show that people are greatly influenced by the words they hear through the years.
Whether in positive or negative way, depends on the kind of linguistic environment they grew
up in. But more so for people whose primary love language is words of affirmation. These kinds
of people feel more loved when they are hearing words of encouragement, words of praise,
kind words.
2. Quality Time
This is not just proximity but really being all there, mentally and emotionally present as well.
You could be in the same room with someone but be in another world, lost in your own thoughts.
A person who has this as primary love language values quality activities, quality conversations,
and appreciates quality listening. Even just being all ears to that person and encouraging
him/her to talk is already a big thing.
3. Receiving Gifts
If this is your primary love language then you would mostly likely express love and feel loved
by giving and receiving gifts. It doesn’t even have to be a grand gift in a special occasion, but
little things given for no particular reason matters so much to you.
4. Acts of Service
This love language is hard to come by for a lot of people in this “Me Generation”. Although
culturally, we generally express love through service (I’m sure you’ve heard of the bayanihan
concept, and how we, Filipinos, are known for our hospitality) service to people having this
primary love language screams love to them. Like gifts, it could be as little things like opening
the door for them, etc.
5. Physical Touch
Our body is made for touching. As we can see, unlike the other senses, touch is not
limited to one localized area of the body. There are people, however, who are just not
“touchy-feely” because of their upbringing and exposure. On the other hand, there are
people who feel very loved when you give them a pat on the back, a hug, a handshake.
Take note, however, that expression of physical touch is different between people of the
opposite sex; and that there are appropriate and inappropriate touches. (You may give
examples of each).
C. What Love Is
We have discussed what love is not and the expressions of love, but what really is this
love? This love that bridges over differing personalities, cultures, and breaks down prejudices
and stereotypes?
1Corinthians 13:4-8
5
“ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not
6
rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
7
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.”
a.
Love is patient, love is kind.
➢ You envy and boast if you are unkind.
➢ You are proud if you are unkind.
➢ You are self-seeking if you are impatient and unkind.
➢ You are easily angered and keeps record of wrongs if you are impatient and unkind
b.
Love rejoices in the truth (does not delight in evil)
- in the midst of the truth around you, you remain patient and kind
c.
Love is faithfulness
- You always protect, trust, hope, persevere.
d. Love never fails.
Small Group Questions:
1. How would you use your primary love language to relate or serve others?
2. With the person or people you have difficulty with, which of the 5 love languages would
be meaningful to them? How would you apply that?
(NOTE: You may ask them to write their answers on a sheet of paper before
discussing in groups.)
Journal:
Having discussed what love is, which attribute/s you think you need improvements on?
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
WEEK 8: RELATIONSHIPS – CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Activity: (Class Debate) “What Is Your Opinion?”
Ask the class whether they agree or disagree with the statements below. Ask all those
who agree to stay on one side and those who disagree on another, forming two teams. Each
team will then have to defend its stand.
You can choose all 5 or just pick a couple statements, depending on time.
1. Anong mas maganda, Kapuso o Kapamilya?
2. It is okay to modify the truth to avoid disagreement or unpleasantness.
3. An argument is a destructive force.
4. The best thing to do when having an argument is to remain silent or leave the room.
5. In the communication process, it is best to discuss certain matters and not others.
6. It is a sign of emotional immaturity for a person to be angry with another individual.
A. Conflict is inevitable.
Someone once said, “motion causes friction”. In the same manner, two or more people
moving together in relationship, causes friction. You cannot avoid conflict. In fact, conflict is
often the key to building relationships. An old proverb says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one
man sharpens another.” Conflict sharpens us. So we should learn not to run from it or deny
it. We should learn to embrace it and learn from it.
Conflict is beneficial only if you have a healthy conflict. You attain this when there is trust
and love between the people in conflict. You have healthy conflict when you come together
and deal with the possible causes of conflict, with a desire to lead to a resolution.
Destructive conflict, on the other hand leads to loss and relational breakdown. This is
often caused by pride, bitterness, and temper getting in the way of resolution.
As stated earlier, conflict is a natural part of any relationship. If you try to deny and avoid
conflict, what you will get is false harmony at best. It is a state of relationship wherein you
don’t have friction but you do not talk to each other, or you avoid each other. This causes a
relationship to stagnate. This will eventually lead to relational breakdown as well, albeit
silently.
B. Strong Emotion is NOT a bad thing.
Strong emotions have even launched some of the greatest actions and movements in the
world. Take for instance Mother Teresa. Her hatred of poverty and her deep love for God and
humankind led her to start an incredible work in Calcutta, which now has spread in different parts
of the world.
Deep hatred of oppression and love for our country and countrymen led Dr. Jose Rizal
to write Noli Me Tangere, El Filibusterismo, and started the La Liga Filipina. This move of
course was a spark for people to act and fight for our country’s freedom.
Even Jesus got angry when He saw that people were turning the house of God into a
commercial area and people were just going through the motions of offering sacrifice to God.
Having established that strong emotion is not a bad thing, what makes it bad? It is how
you handle it, what you do with it. For instance, Mother Teresa could have acted in a different
way. She could have chosen to be like the mythical Robin Hood and stolen from the rich and gave
it to the poor. Rather, propelled by her hatred for poverty she chose to act in love.
Ephesians 4:26-27
“"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not
give the devil a foothold.”
Proverbs 29:11
“
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”
Small Group Question:
Describe an incident wherein you were very angry at someone, or was offended by
someone, and what did you do?
WEEK 9: 5 LANGUAGES OF APOLOGY
Activity: 5 Languages of Apology Profile Quiz
Ask the students to take the quiz to identify their primary language of apology.
=> __Genuinely Repenting____
* => __Requesting Forgiveness__ =>
__Expressing Regret______
o => __Accepting Responsibility_
• => __Making Restitution______
Introduction:
We have learned that in any relationship, we encounter conflict at one point or
another. We also have learned that healthy conflict happens when both parties come
together to deal with the possible causes of the conflict with the desire to come to a
resolution. In other words, the goal is reconciliation.
Since in addressing a conflict, reconciliation is our destination, the question is, how do we
get there?
I. Bridge of Forgiveness
The bridge that leads us from conflict to reconciliation is forgiveness. One has to ask for
forgiveness (in other words, apologize) and another has to extend forgiveness… this is an act of
traversing the bridge from either party.
Conflict Reconciliation
The ideal picture is that both parties are taking the steps to cross the bridge of forgiveness
for them to reach reconciliation. When this happens, both are actually taking steps to growth (which
will be explained why, later) and even the relationship will be restored and taken to the next level
(if the offense was done by a stranger, there is no relationship that needs to be restored).
On the other hand, if the offender does not ask for forgiveness and the offended extends
forgiveness anyhow, there would be no genuine reconciliation and restoration of the relationship.
The offended is just choosing not to seek out justice for the offense and release the offender to God
for justice. In this scenario, only the offended is growing.
II. Languages of Apology
Apology is accepting responsibility for our behavior, seeking to make amends with the
person who was offended. And genuine apology is the step/s one takes towards the bridge of
forgiveness which (when granted access, that is when the offended forgives) leads to reconciliation.
Since healthy conflict builds relationships, good relationships are always marked by a willingness to
apologize, forgive and reconcile. Many relationships are cold and distant because we have failed to
apologize.
What people look for in apology is sincerity. But people have different definitions as to
what is a sincere apology. These differences are the languages of apology.
A. Expressing REGRET
A simple “I’m sorry” goes a long way. If you just launch into an explanation and tell the
offended that you will right the wrong, he/she will still be scanning for those missing words
(especially if this is his/her primary language). When saying sorry, the more specific, the better. Your
verbal and nonverbal communication should be aligned.
This is communicating to the offended that you feel hurt because you know your actions
have hurt him/her. It is this identification with their pain that stimulates in them the willingness to
forgive.
Statements of Regret:
•
I feel really bad that I disappointed you. I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry that I
caused you so much pain.
•
At the time, obviously, I was not thinking very well. I never intended to hurt you, but now I can see that
my words were way out of line. I’m sorry that I was so insensitive
.
(NOTE: You may also give an example in Tagalog)
B. Accepting RESPONSIBILITY
This is admitting, “I was wrong”, “I made a mistake”. Instead of trying to justify our actions
and put the blame on someone or something else (e.g. traffic, when you’re running late) accepting
responsibility means, regardless of other factors, you are saying, “It’s my fault.”
For some people, hearing the apology language of accepting responsibility for one’s wrong
behavior is the most important part of an apology. It is what convinces them. For them, saying, “I’m
sorry” is not enough. They want to know that the offender understands that what he/she did was
wrong.
Statements:
•
The way I spoke to you was wrong. It was harsh and untrue. I spoke out of anger, trying to
justify myself. The way I talked to you was unkind and unloving. I hope you will forgive me.
•
I repeated a mistake that we’ve discussed before. I really messed up. I know that it was my fault.
C. Making RESTITUTION
This means making things right to make up for the wrong. For some people, this is their
primary apology language. The statement, “It is not right for me to have treated you that way,”
must be followed with “What can I do to show you that I still care about you?” Without this
effort at restitution, this person will question the sincerity of the apology. The question, “How
could you love me and do that?” would always be in their mind.
A genuine apology will be accompanied by a desire to right the wrongs committed, to make
amends for the damage done, and to assure the person that you genuinely care about him or her.
If you’re not sure what the offended might consider proper restitution, you might ask
questions like the following:
•
Is there anything I can do to make up for what I have done?
•
I don’t feel right just saying “I’m sorry”. I want to make up for what I’ve done. What would you
consider appropriate?
D. Genuinely REPENTING
Repentance means “to turn around” or “to change one’s mind”. The picture is that of
someone walking west then suddenly turns 180 degrees and walks toward the east, the opposite
direction.
In apology, it means that the offender realizes that his/her present behavior is
destructive. He/she regrets the pain he/she is causing the other person, and he/she chooses
to change his/her behavior. This is more than saying, “I’m sorry; I was wrong. How can I make
this up to you?” It is saying, “I’ll try not to do this again.”
Hence, if you keep on repeating the same offense, your apology is deemed insincere.
Sincerity of your apology is assessed based on the change in your behavior.
E. Requesting FORGIVENESS
For some people, it is important for them that the offender recognizes the need for
forgiveness. They need to actually hear the words, “Will you please forgive me?” instead of just
expressing one’s regret, admitting one’s fault, expressing the desire to make up for it, and the
desire to change.
Requesting forgiveness indicates to some that you want to see the relationship fully restored.
It shows that you realize you have done something wrong. And finally, it shows that you are willing to
put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended person.
Going back to the bridge illustration, after you have a spoken one of the other languages of
apology, when you ask for forgiveness, you are basically requesting the offended to grant you access
and to join you in crossing over that bridge of forgiveness towards reconciliation.
Colossians 3:13, 14
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. …. And
over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Proverbs 19:11
“A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”
Humility is the key. One of the attributes that we learned from that scripture on love is that, it is
not self-seeking. This is a picture of humility. When the offender apologizes, he/ she is acting in
humility by admitting his/her fault. When the offended forgives the offender, he/she is acting in
humility by choosing not to hold on to his/her right for justice for the wrongdoing.
Small Group Question:
Share a conflict you had or have and based on what you’ve learned now;
if it’s past, what are the things you would have done different to resolve it, if it’s
present, how would you deal with it?