Smelly: free

readme
issue #7,000,003
Soap: $3 Sep. 17 -Sep. 23, 2003

www.activitiesboard.org/readme
Carnegie Melton's leading source of secret moves since 1895 -brought to you by the Activities Board

Condom Man Breaks, CMU Pregnancy

Hurricane Isabet
ep4emher 7S, 2DD8
Advisory 34
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~\ PotetNal Day t -r T
Q Potential Day ~!-5 T

Six CMU students got laid this weekend after 11e1p deter the ever-promiscuous student
campus superhero, Condom Man, broke in an bod~~'s babe-making habits.
expiration-date-related accident. Condom
Man was beloved by all students at CMU for The Contraception Crew-comprised of Bob
1115 inimitable presentation of the wonderfiul the Sponge, Morning ~~fter Bill, Vasec TommjT,
world of prophylactics at Withdrawal Paul, and the
Orientation Week's Sex in `k-~~~. Coatllanger Kid has
the Cif► talk, hosted by ~'~
Health Services. Wit- Y-~~~
long stood in the shadow
of its leader, Condom
Hurricane Isabel
nesses of the traged~~ Man, and now hopes to Headed Straight For
YOU!
described it as "horrific," ~~~prove its validit~~ to the
"disturbing," and Pittsburgh public.
"looked like a big balloon : ~. ~~
. "EverjTone uses con-
popped and lotion flew doms, and it's alwa~Ts
everjTwhere." One stu- been all about him: Late ~~esterda~r, Tl1e National Weather
dent said, "I think I got Condom l~Tan this and Service confirmed rumors that
some lotion in my eve. I Condom Man that. Now Hurricane Isabelle is heading straight
mean, I hope it was we have a chance to show for ~~ou. "It does appear to be aimed
lotion." the public how useful directly at YOU," said Mark Plank,
But sperm don't go to heaven
other birth control meth- spokesman for the TEXTS. "It's almost
The resulting increase in campus pregnancy ods can be," announced Bob The Sponge at a like it's ...looking for something., per-
has administrators worried. One representa- press conference SundayA morning. haps anice Jewish tropical storm." With
tive from Health Services stated, ".~ww, great. winds of up to 125 miles per hour,
That's just what we need, more whinjT kids to Friends and relatives of Condom Man are Hurricane Isabelle is one bad mofo. The
poke with needles. Isn't that daycare by invited to attend 11is funeral service this United States militai-~~ ordered all of its
~Torewood annoying enough?" She also ThursdajT in the Health Services restroom, ships and planes down for the duration
expressed hope that Condom Man's posse, the where his bereaved father will perform tits cer- of the chaos. "We think it's better to be
less-renowned Contraception Crew, might emonial flushing. safe than sori-~'," said Vice .[ldmiral Gar-~~
Roughhead, who then muttered some-
Math Major Proves He's a Virgin... Mathematically thing about a e "goddamned bitch"
alwa~Ts "grounding" him.
hours straight. It was amaz- Jeremy's advisor Mark
ing!" said Sutton. "I used a lot Mattah. "The department has He added, "lam I going to send the
of Kleenex that night." been tr~Ting to find this proof National Guard to protect some snot-
for ages. It was even one of nosed engineering major? No way.
What Jeremy did not re~li7e those million dollar problems You're on Tour own, sucka. I pots to
was that it was not in the least that are prett~r much unsoly- protect number one!" He then threw up
bit amazing, in fact, but that able. Who would have a gang symbol.
by simple spending 15 hours thought tits proof just
doing it, he proved without a required spending way too President Jared Cohon also seemed
doubt that he is a virgin. much time working on a math unconcerned. "So what? Wl1at have
Jeremy Sutton, a junior math YOU done on campus? You probable
Further analysis of the proof problem," 11e continued.
major discovered a shocking litter. You make me sick." He then stuck
bjT experts shows that it can
proof last Ft-iday night while his finger in his mouth -and simulated
he was sitting at home not
be extrapolated over mane Jeremy and his virgin friends
Nears and suggests that tried to explain to the readme vomiting. "How did you even get in?"
having sex or being cool in
anj~ way. Sutton stumbled
Jeremy will remain a virgin for staff the genius of tits
(2n)! years, but who knows proof's simplicit<~, but readme Roughhead, the L7ice ~~.dmiral with the
upon some confusing calcu- funnyT name, advised ~Tou to tie ~rourself
what n is anjTway. got bored and yawned really
lus and linear matrix concep- to something strong and sturdy, close
deliberatel`T until they got the
tual algebra in 3D that proved your eyes, and pray- for morning. "She'll
Jeremy's professors were hint. Then readme all went
he was a vir~-ii1. "I just kept pass," he said. "Sl1e always passes."
shocked because the~T too home and had sex with its
looking at this one problem Then his face sank back into the shad-
have been searching for this girlfriends, even the female
on a 500 level problem set ows, diml~~ illuminated by a glowing cig-
proof for years. "I couldn't staff members, with sexy
and worked on it for like, 15 arette butt.
believe he did it," said results.
Issue 7,000,003
New House Angry Over Lack of readme CMU Women's
Coverage. Fine, Here's Your Coverage. Biatch Center Abused by
Mudgewood known as New House by the UC Mail Center
mindless drones who actuall~T do what the
administration tells them is the new mini-
mum secuf~ty r prison on Morewood ~~venue.
Inmates noisily expressed anger at haviizg
yet to be featured in a readme article. "I
mean, we're the newest house on campus!"
one Mudgewood resident said. "Everyone
should want to read about us just look at
the newness! lend aren't these bedrooms
bitchin'?" he continued. "Oh, that's not a
closet?" asked the readme reporter who
then chuckled to herself for coming up with
a reall~T funny joke that isn't just about tak-
ing up space in the article.
Of course, what the inhabitants of
Mudgewood don't realize is that no one
really cares about them. When told that
Mudgewood was the first place winner of
House Wars, an orientation activit~a, Brace
Jessta, a CS major said, "I don't even know
what House Wars is. r~l]. I know is that they
took all year to build that stupid building
and it has a dumb name."
One Phi Kappa Theta brother said he had
actually been inside one of the IVludgewood
rooms, presumably to have statutory-violat-
ing sex with one of the Mudgewood fresh-
man. When confronted for an interview, he,
unprovoked, proclaimed he had no idea she
was drunk, thought she was 18, then
dropped his sack and ran awa~T. The readme
reporter didn't have the heart to tell him
that age of consent in Pennsylvania is 16.
The sack was confiscated by r1B Illegal.
readme of New Sick of Hearing About "Superior" readme of Old
Yes,- I know that I was funnier last year. Or
the yTear before. Or maybe ages ago when
only people that should've graduated bjT now
were around to read the issues. Next year,
~Tou will say the same damned thing, about
how funn~a I was way back when. ~XTell, guess
what? That's right now! I'm funn~T right now!
I remember me last ,Tear, too. end yeah, I
remember when Guido was writing me. Oh,
yes, that was a riot! Full of laughs! rind now
yjTou know what? Guido works for the man
now! You'll just have to take me how I am.
.end you know what? I'm actually prett~T
damned funny. Freshmen like me. We aren't
writing all that many articles about monkeys,
which are always funny rind we're not just
making fun of unshowered CS majors, or
how easy it is for art majors to get laid. OK,
- readme p. 2 -
a
n+•~ ' S.
,~..•:..:. ;~~.~
:... '1}Jh ~ ~' {~$~r r. ~.K'kv
#;.µA+:'.•}:?i-+iir}$tii:i..,'.ri:4.'•i4i'ti:viy,
Who cares about room size when you have
free beer and hookers?
In addition, manjT female Mudgewood resi-
dents feel it's proximit<~ to the frat quad is its
biggest selling point. "It sure makes the
Walk of Shame a lzelluva lot shorter," said
one budding alcoholic resident. "I might
not remember who I slept with, but I'll
never get lost on the way home."
Mudgewood has also garnered praise for its
keen decorating sense and relaxing earth~T
tones. "When I sit down on these delicious-
ljT upholstered couches, I can't help but sigh
and feel like I'm in a Pottery Barn ad," one
l~Zudgewood inmate reported. "I mean, just
look at the brilliant use of color, and these
linens ... MM!" The resident in question
looked surpf-ised when the readme reporter
correctly guessed his sexual orientation.
left: readme of old. right: readme of new
there were two or three articles about sex in
this issue, but it's still not a good argument
to say, "Remember that article about the
blab" and then talk about six other articles
and pretend like they all happened in the
exact same issue, and every issue was like
that. If there's even ONE article that makes
September 17 -September 23
~~~:s
~ `-~, ~~~
k~\~
`~~~ ~~
;~;k:
Think she could handle that package?
~4:
. .::h.;:
~ivh.v: Y
•• za:~: X.,,.•.,f ~r..
l~n emotionally fragile Women's Center filed
{.Y:~.rG 't.^.'.... , ..
a report with Campus Police requesting a
restraining order from the UC Mail Center,
last week.
The report was in response to abusive con-
duct from the newly opened Mail Center.
Harriett Burnett, a friend of the Women's
Center, said, "The Women's Center was
overjoyed when she heard there would be a
l~Zail Center on campus. It's been so long
since the Women's Center was last in a rela-
t~onship, and never with someone who had
such an impressive package."
The Mail Center denied the claims outright.
"I tried to give her letters, but she was only
interested in getting the package. Several
times a da~T she'd ask `Is the package here
~Tet?' and couldn't understand that I can't give
her the package that many times each day. I
just couldn't take it an~Tmore," said the Mail
Center.
you laugh in an entire issue, we're doing as
well as we used to. Oh, this year and last
Tear, we've put out an issue evei-~~ god-
damned week! Guido and his "superior
readme of old" never did that, did the~T?
1~njTway, ~Tou know what? Screw off. We're
distributing and handing out more copies
than ever, and we still get compliments, so if
jTou want to talk about how old you are and
how yTou can't leave Pittsburgh and how that
means you remember how great that "Not
On Fire" buggy= was, or how subtle the
"College of Inhumanities and Anti-Social
Sciences" article was, or about how ~Tou
remember arguing with your friends about
whether Mr. Squish~T was hilarious or
dumb...and read the issue you're, um, read-
ing right now! rind enjoy it!
Issue 7,000,003 - readme p. 3 - September 17 -September 23

Things you don't want Letter Grades Replaced with Emoticons

to hear when you are In a recent act~:on, tern, passeei:~:b~.T the ~Fac~~.t~- Senate;e~ letter gradesy lohg a staple fors sel-
standing with your ~:ag +C~P.t~s ~.nd lett .g ~o~I~ge: students k~ ow low shit- .r. their paper ~xra~, vre:~:e throven .
out h:: f~,vc~r ~f a~:r~eu~ ~protocc~l 'I`le emo~eoh. `Since. ~~oticons we~~ ~verited .h~~e we
pants down and every ~~gured eve sliQul~.:use a ho~n.e-~r~an.`.inethc~d cif gra ig"'said a ph~~sics~ p~ofesso~: ~;
other thigh is covered Mile this. nay come as a s-«prise~ to ~~n~ outside .the. Carnegie l\/Iellon~ commurit~,
n~a~:~=facult~ members t~.ough~ that it wo€~3.dn't be much of a change; ``S .derits .k,~a
in barbecue sauce: what they ine~n:, ~h~~ mat? I rn.ean:~ they're n~~r~ expressive tl~an~ jusfi a~ letter;
ht~ S~
.: e..e . .
"Let's see how much of that sauce I can anyway: I mean;,. A'':. Zt. sounds . b~orir~g. .cl. honestly,.liar:good of vas . ~ :*v~a.s* it?"~ ,~
catch in my moustache." Exp~res~ing~'taared.ness for. wing the ; ~vh~~e . "plus" and ~``~~~ us" thing to ~~x.~e , students a~
. e e
better~idea of how: ~h.ey did;:-the r~ew ~~stem .also gioe~: g>~ader~~:much: mote leeway. i~
"Oh, I'm soritiT, baby... this has never hap-
decidi~ what' criteria t~~ grade on.
pened before, I swear."
Emot Internet Meaning What the Grade Means
"I just went out and had like eight abor- •-) Happy Person B
tions, man. What have you done with yoarr .-{ Sad Person C
life?" Person sad because of their long nose C, and ~.=ou have a long nose
.-D Really happ~T person
"This horse just ate my wedge of cheese, ,_D~tt .r1+
SPEED FRE~~K
so now I'm going to rape this old town
•- Nonplussed person B-, or maybe a C.
bridge."
-) Person ~X1yil~ing r1, but only because you're hot.
The tearing of your heart when ti=ou find S-) Person with sunglasses B, and I tlzirik I'm cool
out that Charles is not actually in charge. •-~ Person about to cry D, because tiTou dumped me.
You see, it's not something that someone .-O Surprised person 1~, when you haven't gotten
says, but rather what ~Tou hear is the actLial antiTthing better than a D all
teafing sound... you smart-assed jackass... semester long
...ass. -~ Really cool person Totally an ~1, dude.
+0 ~-) Person is the Pope, and happti=. r1, and I'm such a good
"Yea, so I guess this cream is not vertiT top- professor that I have achieved
ical." a state of holiness Lu~own
to lati=-people
"Aright, FINE... I'll buy your goddamned
Person is the Pope, and sad. C, peon.
pasta machine►"
Sad, sticking out tongue C, ha ha ha.
"Sir, I'tn going to need to see the license 1V1m~~,mm►. Deeeee-licious. .r'~, because your ideas taste
and registration for that sweet ass of good.
tiTours." Dead person D.
Clief I'm tired of westing this
"Daddy, why is my foot on fire?" list.
Too much time in front of the computer I have graded too many
"I'm sorr`T to have to tell tiTou this, but the god damned papers.
diarrhea has spread to tiTour brain... it's I am going to rape ~Tou...with
mat tenant."
knowledge.

Edrting & WritingStaff

Super-dooper: Chris Rotella
Dooper: Muffin, Aileen D'Esposito, Dana Vinson, Chaos, Greg Modzelewski, Brian Leahy, Brian
Gray, Pete Milder, Ashley Holtgraver, Bhiago Bersan, Esteban Bowles-Martinez, '~, Andrey Dolgov,
Alison Lauer, Yuhua Li, AB Hair Chris Smoak, Fred Merkle, Nazi1 Kfoury, Alisa Brown, Zachary
Harris, James Troup, and Tuscan Knox
activities board
What is readme? Well, it's fiuznti~ and it's useful. ~~nd free. So it's better than sliced bread.
Who makes it? readme is printed b~T the .~~ctivities Board, sponsored b~ your student activities fee
Where do 1 get it? readme is Banded out at ~~B events and left iiz stacks around campus
Online: www.activitiesboard.org/readme
How do I help? Email crotella@andrewcmu.edu. We need fiulny writers, non-fZulny wfiters, and Photoshopers
And remember: readme tshirts coming soon. What do tiTou want to see on them?
Issue 7,000,003 -readme p. 4 - September 17 -September 23
This is the True section, where we tell you how to live your life

_ e ~.~.
Ai: P`~a Cheap Movies at
read rr~ec~n u. t~ks: t+o ~D~
H~~ can't.. .~~.
~~~ L McConomy
All the nights, brought to you by AB, except
Dr~n eer Damntr-d.ri~k: bier sor~n~. readm:eGmu coo Saturday which is SDC. 1 Buck.
reac~necrnu::dk. beer? DrinkB~er Damni~s ,are. yc~~: guys- :all. C
D~nkS~exa Da~aa~€t:. sup foolio ner~d~?:. ; Wednesday: Dogtown and Z-Boys 8,
re.admecmu«:.you ~pell~d:daninit urrQ~ag readin:ecmu:
. nape.° . 10, 12
.
DrinkBeer:Dan~~nit.
e well nk? w~.it,; no: L . Dri~:~Bee~ D~m:nit I.see, is this like the It's a skateboarding documentaiti~ about how
~ ~ .:. "XTREME~►~~~~" sports came to be sort of
dtdnft onia~. for some~g ;
read~ecmu: d.arnrr~:t is what you were: ".readmecmu:~~no,, Vie: onoo: c+o►~aied~:off of accepted as their own thing. .~1 bunch of peo-
gQz~ .fc~r. us . ple skate around a lot, and there're probably
.~
some good injury scenes, too. ~~nd you get to
D:rn.~Beex I~amriit: d~,m~mt .I~ri . Beer ~amxiit.-it . a egis ..
tQ be true;
Dri~kB~ere~ Da~narut.~ d~.~n~= snce~~yc~u~: last issue was numbe~~ 7~Q0~02: learn about, um, historyT of pop culture, or
.~ .. a ..
readm~cn~u: seed r~adrn:e~cmu: yup . something.
I~rinkBeer.`Da~n~t: ~irtri readmecrn:u:. re started: in:1$~5
~rnl~B~eer D nit« hui ~iarig ~~g-~:u. Dr~.l~Beer
.. l~ .~it so lets ~all~ robois; Thursday: The Elephant Man 7:30, 10,
ma? do ~ou~hke~ robots? 12:30
readn~ecm:u: ,teaclme. d:oe~n'I kno~xr wh~:t reacUmecmu~ ~~ibols scare reaci e~ . 1~ touching stork about an elephant who
that rnean.s Dri~:k~$eer. h~anaint:. even flie-cute: little becomes a man, but ends up still looking like
DrnkBeer;Da lit: I`rn drying to earn ones tl~a~ .ma1~e e~ii~~ ria~~es:: an elephant, so he leas to be a freak show guy
chi~.ese r~adm~~tn.t~:: robots are to make a living, which sucks, so he loses all
.
D~n eer~Dam~it:.so T read ~Tc~t~: paper:: his dignity, and finally finds it again, and every-
one's happy. I hope there's no love story in it,
readme Investigates: Campus Elevators though, because that'd be kinda gross. I mean,
the guy's hugely disfigiued. Heh. Freak.
Method: I walked around to various build- flze my results. Tlie first is ordered from
ing on campus. I tfled to get every building the quickest to the slowest moving elevator, Saturday: Finding Nemo 6, 8, 10, 12
with an elevator in it, but I'm sure I missed and the second from the quickest to the Uhhhhli...I've heard a lot about the movie
a few that I never go in. In each building, I slowest opening doors. being good, and people liked it, but I don't
walked in the first elevator I found (or the really know what it's about. You probably
one that opened). Tlie time measure is the Discussion: Well this part is pretty clear. already do, though, because you're probably
amount of time that elapsed beginning IVTorewood is the place to use the elevator more in touch than me. But if tiTou don't, I'm
when the elevator doors) closed complete- {so long as there aren't piles of vomit in the guessing that there's this Nemo character,
h~ and ending when they reopened at my corner of it). New House did seem a little which is probably some sort of anthropomor-
destination floor. I then computed the faster, so I should point out that one of the phic animal, since it's a Disney thing, and he's
average time per floor by dividing the time elevators I tried twice, and the two times lost, and thetiT need to find lzim. Uh, see it.
btiT the number of floors I traversed. were off by 4 seconds. In other words,
Finally, I included a measure called door when the averages are within. a second or Friday: Down With Love 8, 10, 12
time, which was the time when I first two, the elevators are probabltiT the same Touching stor~T about some chick that blows
walked into the elevator and pushed the speed. This study also begs the question off gutiTs and stuff, except this one guy that
floor button tultil the doors actually closed. many of us have been asking for some blows her off ends up falling for her once she
time: why is the Baker Hall elevator even becomes famous and stuff, because he's a jerk
results: The following two tables suinma- there? like that. But thetiT probably fall in love anyway,
because Rene Zelvrigger or however her name
Building Avg Time/Floor (s) Building Door Time (s) is spelled is always in happy movies where
IVTorewood .~~ 2.59 Maggie I1~Io 1.77 people end up getting together in the end.
New House 3.60 Wean 2.28
Wean 3.96 Doherty 2.34 Sunday: The Decline of Western
Scaife 5.53 Hunt 2.41 Civilization, Part 1 8, 10, 12
Hunt 6.43 Scaife 3.07 I was born in 1981, tiTou know Tliat makes me
CFA 6.46 Newell-Simon 3.26 old. So old, in fact, that if the picture qualitti=
Newell-Simon 6.80 ~Iorewood rl 3.54 of this movie were really crappy, I'd feel really
West Wing 7.19 CFl1 4.31 crappy, because this movie was made in 1981,
Maggie I~To 7.72 New House 5.23 too. blade, and released. grid it's ~about~
Posner 7.83 Posner 5.99 1981, too. Well, the L~~ Punk Scene in 1981.
Doherty 8.62 Purnell 6.23 .end get this there's actually a really good
UC 11.38 UC 6.74 chance that it'll be on 35mm film, so it won't
Ptu-nell 12.22 West Wing 7.37 sound like ass like the past tiv:ee weeks'
Baker Hall 12.60 Baker Hall 8.48 movies have!
Issue 7,000,003 -readme p. 5 - September 17 o September 23
This is the True section, where we tell you how to live your life

From the Desk of Student

It appears that Pittsburgh is finally getting
some good concerts. Unfortunatelj- for
the college budget, thejT're all in one week.
So rather than simply reprinting the
Thursday preview we published last year,
I've gone ahead and written little blurbs
about several shows that I feel are partic-
ularljT worth m~,~ (or jTour) while. ~~nd so
here, in chronological order, it is:
On Friday the 19th, go see Thursdaj7.
Plain and simple. They rock out, they
have all the characteristics of good emo,
namelj7, dark, abstract 1j7rics, raging guitars,
screamed choruses, and no instruments
whose names are prefaced bj7 the word
"acoustic." The~T've been crowd pleasers
iiz the past with on1~T one major release
under their belts. With the just-released
"War ~ll The Time," ThursdajT has
showed that they're not afraid to keep
doing what they're good at, while matur-
ing noticeably as a band.
Saturday the 20th brings us a wonderful
comed`T show —Lewis Black and Dave
~~ttell with opener Mitch Hedberg. Those
of j~ou who were here for carnival last ~~ear
remember that Dave l~.ttell was a riot.
Those of you who watch the Daily Show
are familiar with th - a1~e1n ~-enius of
Lewis Black. ~~.nd tch Hedber ~ ~s just
lzila~ous. You shoal• ~ . - .: , one too.
The Distillers
Sundajr the 21st features the Distillers,
with screaming frontwoman BrodjT
~~rmstrong. But this isn't riot-grrrl stuff
like the Donnas and Sleater-Kinne~T, this is
real punk iiz the vein of female-fronted
bands the Gits, X, and the Original
Sinners. The Distillers put on a rocking
set opening the main stage at Lollapalooza
this past sLunmer, and in a smaller setting
with a longer playing time, this is gonna be
well worth checking out.
IronicalljT enough, BrodtiT l~rmstrong's
current bojT-toy, Josh Homme, of Queens
of the Stone ~~ge, is in town the next
night. Funny, isn't it? The Queens are the
biggest band in rock music right now and
I'd like to personally thank them for
destrojTing rap-metal. Thej7 alwaj7s put on
a ridiculously good show, but I've told you
that iiz the a ~ ~ nd some band
named the ' ed Hot Chili Pe - - rs is pla~~-
ing with them.
Body President
Dan Gilman
Over the last two j-ears, Student Government
has worked verb- closely- with Campus Police to
improve secur~t<- operations on campus. Chief
Do~~le has worked tirelessl~T with us to ensure
that there are alwajTs several securit<' support
options available to students. With the unfortu-
nate recent armed robber~T near campus, I want-
ed to remind students of some of their options.
The shuttle and escort service is available to stu-
dents 24 hours/da~~, 7 days/week by calling 268-
RIDE. The escort service will take jTou from
campus directhT to your o ff-campus residence (if
it is with 1.5 miles). Please take advantage of this
service and avoid walking alone at night. 'I`he
seven designated escort pickup sites are spread
strategically throughout campus and are now
designated b`T official universitST signage. For
more information on these locations, please
check the Campus Police website at
http: / /wwvvcmu.edu/police/ .
Over the past Near we have also added mane
new "Blue Light" emergenc~T phones to campus.
These phones provide a direct line to Campus
Police in an emergency. If there is a common
path that you take home or to campus, please
note where along Tour route these phones are
located.
The student run Safewalk program is ~Tet anoth-
er safet~T initiative on campus. Between the
hours of 10:00 PM and 2:00 ~~l~~I, simpl~T call
268-S~~FE and two trained students will walk
~Tou home from any location on campus. Please
take advantage of this service.

These are just some the services that Campus

NASA-ty
This excerpt from the
Earth Sciences l~°Tissions
~~nomaljT Report... "~s the
NOr,.~~.-N Pr-tme space-
craft was being reposi-
tioned, it slipped off the
fixture, causing severe
damage." ... "The 18' long
spacecraft was about 3' off
the ground when it fell."
In other words, Nr1St1
doesn't need to shoot a
spacecraft all the way to
Mars to crash it into the
ground; 3' is plenty far
enough.
To the Teef
Verbatim report from the
BBC... "French police say
they have smashed a ring
o f fake dentists offering
unlicensed, low-cost treat-
ment in. cafes and shops.
Twent<7-three suspects -all
Syrian nationals - were
detained in Paris along with
their suitcases of dental
equipment after a IengthjT
investigation."
Police offers. If ~Tou would like more informa-
The Wrong George tion on an~T of these or other services, please
North Carolina cops are
contact Campus Police at 268-2323.
searching for a gu~T who
successfully passed a $200
bill bearing George W.
On AOL Instant.
Bush's portrait and a draw-
ing of the White House
Messenger all day?
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 Events and Things On and Off Campus
Wednesday, September 17
concert: 5 Gins Named Moe ~~ James Street Tavern.
8pm. Free
concert: Bratz Accoustic ~~ Blues Cafe. 9pm. Free
before 9:30, ~2 after
movie: Dogtown and Z-Boys. McConomy, 8, 10, 12. $1
Thursday, September 18
concert: BenQuick, Pennance, Suzuki Town ~~ 31st
Street Pub, 10pm, ~2-10.
concert: Low Flying Owls ~~ 31st Street Pub
concert: Ann-Margret ~~ Benedum Center
concert: Youssou N' Dour ~~ Byham Theatre
concert: DaMone, The Working Title ~ Hard Rock
Cafe, 8:45 pm, $7
concert: Digger, Giving Chase ~~ Mr. Small's Theatre
concert: Dexter Grove ~~ Quiet Storm
concert: Michelle Malone ~~ Rex Theatre
concert: Essex Green, Stars ~~ Rosebud, 7:30 pm, $10
movie: The Elephant Man, McConomy, 7:30, 10, 12:30.
$1
Friday, September 19
event: APhiO's Casino Party. 2nd floor of the UC.
7pm-midnight. Free.
improv: 24-hour Off the Top improv show ~~ the
Frame. 8pm. Fi-ee
concert: Black Tie Revue, Camera, Dapheny ~~ 31st
Street Pub, 10pm, ~2-10
concert: Adam Evil &The Outside Royalty, Ford
Thurston, The Speeds, Pleasure Techicians ~~ Rosebud,
9pm, ~ 5, 21+
concert: Paper Airplane Pilots ~~ Coyote Cafe
concert: Thursday, Death By Stereo, Year of the
Rabbit ~~ Metropol, 8pm, ~13
movie: Down With Love. McConomy. 8, 10, 12. $1
Saturday, September 20
comedy: "Comedy Central Live" -Lewis Black &Dave
Attell ~~ Benedum Center
improv: Off The Top improv workshops ~~ The
Frame 12pm-6. Free.
concert: The Movielife, Fairweather ~~ Club Laga, 7
pm, ~5
concert: Don McLean ~~ Hartwood Acres
concert: Broken Social Scene, Mett-ic ~~ Mr. Small's
Theatre
movie: Finding Nemo. McConomy. 6, 8, 10, 12. ~1
Sunday, September 21
concert: The Distillers, The Bronx ~~ Club Laga, 7pm,
X12
concert: Unsung Zeros, Bear vs. Shark, Dkliinb ~~ Mr.
Small's Theatre
movie: The Decline of Western Civilization.
McConomy. 8, 10, 12. ~1
Monday, September 22
concert: Tracy Grammer ~a Club Cafe, 7:30 pm, ~14,
21+
concert: Youth Brigade, Swingin' Utters ~~ Club Laga,
7pm,~12
concert: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Queens of the Stone
Age, French Toast ~~ Mellon Arena, 7:30 pm, X40
concert: My Mottling Jacket, The Sleepy Jackson ~~
Rosebud, 8pm, ~12, 18+
Tuesday, September 23
concert: Eastmountainsouth ~~ Club Cafe, 7:30 pm,
X10, 21+
concert: Saves the Day, Taking Back Sunday, Moneen
~~ Metropol, 7pm, ~18.50
concert: "Some Gills" w/ Juliana Hatfield, Freda Love,
Heidi Gluck ~~ Rosebud, 8pm, $12.50, 21+
Wednesday, September 24
concert: The Bouncing Souls, Tsunami Bomb, Strike
Anywhere, ~XTanted Dead ~~ Club Laga, 7pm, ~12 in
advance, ~13 at the door
concert: Mahavishnu Project ~~ Rosebud, 8:30 pm,
$8, 18+
Do you have events?
Do you like FREE advertising?
YOU DO?!
Email crotella@andrew.cmu.edu with your event informa-
tion. Include a description, the time, date, location and
cost. We will include it in this event listing ABSOLUTELY
FREE! Believe it or not, people actually read this thing.
I mean, you are, right?