Sheloi Osani Isha

Every day since childhood Im making the Bracha Sheloi Osani Isha. I have
never put much thought into it. It was just one more blessing I do every day.
I thank Hashem for not making me a Goy, for not making me a slave and for
not making me a woman. Because, after all, Im happy Im not a Goy, slave
or woman.

But I never thought about why I dont want to be a woman. Today it hit me:
I dont want to be a woman because women have it really hard and Im
thankful to Hashem for giving me the easy life.

Take the upcoming Yom Tov as an example. The Rosh Hashana preparations
are already on the way. My wife cooks food, bakes honey cakes, cleans the
house, shops clothing for the kids (and for me), is doing the groceries and
many more household chores so we can all have a happy Yom Tov.

Me? I help out here and there, when I have the time and patience. But the
responsibility is hers.

Yet when Rosh Hashana commences, its me whos going to reap the benefit.

Im going to Bentch the kids. Im going to sit at the head of the table and dip
the apple in the honey. My kids will be mesmerized to finally witness the act
they studied for in Cheder. Its me whos going to deal with the head of the
fish, with the blessings, with the pomegranate. Im the one whos going to be
the good daddy and dip the Challah a bit deeper into the honey, at my sons
behest. My wife? Shes going to be the bad parent and complain about too
much honey.

My wife will serve the meal while Im going to read the kids Parsha booklets.
Shes going to take care of the baby while Ill be listening to the kids stories.
Ill open the cute letters from the kids asking for forgiveness, the very letters
mommy helped them place under tattys Challah Dekel.

In the morning Im going to go to shul. Im going to si t in an air-conditioned

shul and listen to a wonderful Baal Tefillah. My 14, 12 and 8 year old kids will
come with me. The two oldest will sit next to me and Daven, while the younger
one will play outside the shul. All Ill have to do is wrap myself with the Tallis
and Daven and sing. Or look into a Sefer when things get a bit boring. Or
schmooze here and there about the latest news and gossip (shhhh, dont tell
anyone).

My wife? Oh my. Shes going to stay home with five kids, the baby and the 2
year old amongst them. Shes going to babysit. Shes going to prepare for the
meal, once again. And clean the house. And play with the kids. And feed them.
And pamper them. And resolve their fights.

And then shes going to go to shul for Shofar. This is one thing Ill never be
able to do. Shes going to dress up all kids in matchy outfits. Shes going to
dress herself. And shes going to take the kids with her.

Now, of course, when I say shul I dont mean the same kind of shul that Im
going to. My shul is spacious, has the right temperature, comfortable seating
and all. Hers is a crammed room or Sukkah outside the shul or just the street.
Hundreds of women and children will be there. All wanting to hear the Shofar.
All being busy with their kids. All trying to shush their babies. All being in an
uncomfortable situation. Some wont even hear the Brachos or every blow of
the Shofar. And mind you, there WILL be that guy standing next to the Baal
Tokiya whos going to announce: Mbait da nushim tzi zein shtill! As if keeping
a gesindel of children quiet is the easiest task in the world.

After all, shuls are run by men, who, naturally, think about their needs. The
women? Theyll have to make do.

While my wife will go through the Shofar fiasco, Ill either be home to help out
a bit or Ill be at the Kiddush in shul or maybe in the Mikvah. Ill see. Depends
on my mood.

Ya tell me? Isnt it great that Hashem created me a man?

And so will be the story on Yom Kippur. Ill sit in a comfortable shul all day
worrying about nothing but Slicha, Mchila and Kapparah for my sins. My wife
will take care of the kids while fasting.

Thank You Hashem!

During the High Holidays, there is only one household task thats on me:
building the Sukkah. Im going off my mind just think ing about it. Right after
Rosh Hashana, my wife will start nagging me day and night to erect the
Sukkah. See? Even my chore is her responsibility. Ill procrastinate and shell
keep begging. At the end, Ill get my two older boys to do it. Or Ill pay some
18 year old Bucher to do it. Either way, my wife will be the one whos directing
them because Ill be busy looking for a nice Esrog to show off in shul. Oh, and
my wife will clean up after them. And she will make the Noi Sukkah. And she
will make sure the Sukkah looks great, so on Chol Hamoed when I have my
friends over for a party, I should be proud of my Sukkah.

Speaking of which, Im going to have parties on Sukkos. One night its going
to be my friends Ushpiza and were going to party at his Sukkah. The other
night my daily Shiur is making a Siyum. And, of course, one night theyre
partying by me, just because.

My wife? Shell sit home and make plans for tomorrows trip. And, once again,
cook and bake and clean and pamper. Ill be eating, singing a nd dancing, while
shell do house chores.

Because Hashem created me a man. I thank Him for that. Every single day.

My wife is even going to be the party coordinator for my party! Shell make
sure everything is in order. That the food is delicious, the house is clean, the
Sukkah looks spotless, the drinks are cold, and all other details I dont even
know about. Me? Im going to enjoy myself. Im even thinking of asking my
friend Shmuli to bring his guitar so we can all enjoy his music.

My wife wont even be able to attend the party. All shell do is take care of the
kids, make sure my kids dont disturb me, serve the meal and clean up
afterwards.

My life is great. Hers not so much.

Simchas Torah is going to be déjà vu all over again. My wife will do the
preparations, but Im going to enjoy myself. Im going to sing and dance and
drink, while my wife will be in the Veiber shul with the little ones. We men are
going to have a blast for two full days. My wife? Not so much. Shes going to
care for the kids. Shes going to be in a small room full of women and children
trying to a peek through a hole to see how Im enjoying myself. In the middle
of dancing, shes going to hand me my baby so I can show her off to my
friends. After five minutes, Ill hand her ba ck to my wife and take my 2 year
old for five more minutes. My wife is not going to sing. Or dance. Or drink. All
shell do is watch the kids and watch me dance.
I might even buy myself Chussen Torah and get all the attention.

I mean, who in their right mind would choose to be a woman?! Thank You
Hashem Sheloi Osani Isha.

But its not only Yomim Tovim that we have the better end of the deal. Were
always having it easy.

I socialize on a daily basis. I go to Mincha/Maariv, where I socialize. Then I do

my daily Shiur, where we have some chulent and kugel from time to time. Im
not homebound on a daily basis as is my wife.

I even have my smartphone. I have WhatsApp and Telegram. Im on many

groups where we gossip and socialize. My wife doesnt have a smartphone
because she cant be trusted with one, lest shell look at Shmitz. The Cheder
will keep my kids with my smartphone but will expel them had my wife dared
to have one.

Heck, even when my wife gives birth, after she went through 9 difficult
months, its me whos partying and enjoying. Im making the Kiddush. Im
naming the child. Im Oilah to the Torah. Im making the Bris. I have my
friends over. My wife doesnt have those benefits. All shes doing is taking care
of the baby and is trying to get back to herself.

Admit it, you never saw a poster saying: Mrs. Raisel Schwartz is inviting to
Kiddush. Its always: Reb Yankel Schwartz is inviting. Because Reb Yankel is
male and Mrs. Raisel is female.

And not just at child birth. The same is true at the Bar Mitzvah and the
wedding. Its us men who are making those Simchas. Its us men who are
giving the speeches. Its us men who are knocking on the Mechitza to shush
the women so we men can hear what a man is saying.

And we are the ones having all Kibbudim. Were saying the Brachos under the
Chupa. We are Bentching. We are dancing Mitzvah Tantz. We are Oilah. We
get to be Baal Tefillah. We are Sandek. We are Mesader Kiddushin.

We both raised our kids. Actually, she bore the brunt of it. Im not eve n close.
Yet Im the one who eats the fruits. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I have a car. My wife doesnt. Shes dependent on me to go to places; I have
all the freedom in the world. My wife needs me to drive her around. She needs
to get me to take her to wherever she wants to go. I, on the other hand, can
travel to wherever I want without relying on her.

Im even doing a trip to Reb Shayele once a year and one more trip to E.
Israel. My wife, bless her heart, stays home and takes care of the kids. She
doesnt have the luxury of travel because the baby is dependent on her.

Well, even when I sin, some woman out there is responsible for it. Its her
skirt that wasnt long enough. Her top that wasnt wide enough. Her shoes
that were too trendy.

I sin and someone else gets punished. This is what I call Heaven.

I know, I know. Women have other roles to fulfill. Still, Im happy that I have
my role and not hers. Thats why Ill continue saying with Kavunah on a daily
basis:

Thank You Hashem Sheloi Osani Isha

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