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Families Need Fathers Factsheet # 14
The Case for Shared Parenting:
Arguing for your Children
Introduction
The purpose of this factsheet is to provide a
checklist of points that people who want shared
parenting for their own children might make, in
court, to CAFCASS officers or elsewhere, about
its benefits to the children.
It will need adapting to the practicalities of each
individual case, for the children and parents
involved.
It must also be adapted to the values and
perspectives of the people whom you need to
influence. First among these is your ex. It is far
better overall, and especially for the children, for
the parents to co-operate. There are always at
least four parties to disputes in divided families.
There are the two parents each with their point
of views. There are the children, with their
needs and wishes (and different children, even
within the same family and in the same situation
may want and need different things), and finally
there are ‘the authorities’ – the judges,
CAFCASS reporters and so on. It is the latter
who have the final power. In complex situations
and families there will be many more than these
four. Any and sometimes all of these may have
assumptions and beliefs which differ from
yours. Their actions and decisions will be based
on their beliefs, not yours. You must endeavour
to bring them, on the basis of their beliefs, as
near as possible to what you think is best.
We suggest that in preparing your case you list
all the people involved, but especially those with
most power. Then give a lot of thought to
‘where they might be coming from’. When you
have done that, work on your arguments so that
they will have the biggest impact on them.
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What do we mean by ‘shared
parenting’?
Shared parenting is the right of children to the
full and free involvement of both of their parents
in their lives, whether they live together or not,
unless there are contrary reasons. The
parenting arrangements should reflect the
needs, wishes and practicalities in each family.
What should be sought is the best blend of both
parents rather than polarising them into ‘caring’
and ‘absent’ parents. Both parents should be
involved in both child care and in earning. Both
parents should be given equal status in law, in
their treatment by public and private agencies
and be equally respected by ‘society’. The
children should see each parent’s role as
comparable and be able to be close or very
close to both. The parenting arrangements
should enable both parents to be fully involved
in all aspects of the children’s lives – for
example schooling – and the children should be
aware of the lives of both their parents ‘in the
round’.
This is the aspiration of Families Need Fathers.
There is growing support for it, and indications
that it reflects ‘public opinion’. However, the
beliefs of the majority of decision makers in the
field of family still lag behind this attitude. You
should never assume that Judges, CAFCASS
reporters or others believe that shared
parenting is what is best for children; you
should therefore try to adapt your arguments to
their beliefs, and try and draw them as far in the
‘shared parenting’ direction as far as possible.
Families Need Fathers Factsheet # 14
The values of those you are trying
to influence
1) Your ex
We cannot advise you on the beliefs of your
ex! But remember that even people who
seem ‘egalitarian’ might turn to other
attitudes in situations of conflict and if they
are to their advantage. Many a mother who
once seemed to believe in equality will say
‘the children belong to me’, and many a
man will claim the right to have his way in
the end. By all means make appeals to her
or his beliefs, but it may be more reliable to
make proposals that address the practical
and economic advantages that they might
give to your ex.
2) Your children
Conflict between their parents is distressing
and damaging to children. It must be avoided
if at all possible. If it is not possible, make
sure it is on as narrow a front, is as low key as
you can make it, and that the children are not
exposed to it. It is unethical, and also likely to
backfire for you to try and co-opt them into
your point of view. This applies especially to
parents who see little or nothing of their
children, often men.
Some parents do successfully alienate their
children from the other parent but as a general
rule one or both of the following situations has
to apply. First, there is no direct contact
between the children and those they are to be
alienated from. The children do not, therefore,
have direct experience of that person as a
counter to the poisoning they are given against
him or her. Secondly, the intensity of pressure
from a parent with whom they have to live is
such that the children opt not to see their other
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parent. Generally speaking, however, the
authorities are sympathetic to any grounds the
resident parent might give for rubbishing the
other parent, but pass harsh judgement if it is
the other way round. The children will want you
both to get along and they will usually pass
judgement, immediately or in the long term, on
a parent who is negative about the other.
While you must not run down your ex to your
shared children, it is of course essential that
you show them that you love them and give
them a good time. And they should be
encouraged to say this to the authorities. By
and large, what they will want will be, in effect,
shared parenting, and if confident enough they
will be able to declare this. They may be your
best allies in attaining this.
If you think they may not speak out in favour of
having both of you fully involved out of fear or
misplaced loyalty to the resident parent, you
need to draw attention to this.
3) The authorities
The attitude of ‘the authorities’ - which we have
used as shorthand for Judges, CAFCASS
Reporters, Guardians, Social workers and the
like – are highly variable and unpredictable.
Some of the most eminent and experienced
observers have described their
recommendations and decisions as ‘a lottery’.
This is for two reasons. The first is that the Law
and related advice says that the welfare of the
children is of paramount importance but it gives
no guidance as to how that is to be interpreted.
Almost anything can pass, provided it is justified
on child welfare grounds. The second is that
this is an area where attitudes were always
variable but where they are now changing
rapidly. The penetration of modern thinking and
modern research is patchy.
Families Need Fathers Factsheet # 14
What is clear, however, is the position/belief
structure of the past. The view - historically
associated with Lord Justice Ormrod whose
judgements ruled family law until about 15
years ago and which are still influential – was
that ‘Custody care and control’ of the children
(these terms are pre-Children Act) is to be given
to the mother unless there was something
appalling, irremediable and permanently wrong
with her parenting. All other arrangements are
to be made to support her in her difficult and
demanding role as a lone parent. It might
indeed be good for the children to have some
‘access’ to their father but it must not disrupt
their ‘normal life’, which is with their mother.
Ultimately the arrangements were in the hands
of the mother. Judges and others might try and
influence and even pressurise her into allowing
‘access’ but this must be of a sensitive and
delicate sort. Nothing should be done that might
upset or inconvenience the mother. Anything
that did this would inevitably damage the
children by making her less able to care for
them alone. Attempts to impose any alternative
arrangements were ‘doomed to failure’.
Only a few people in family law today would
endorse Ormrod’s view in their stark original
force. But much of what goes on today can only
be understood in the context of views held in
the past. In sum the overriding remaining
attitude is that one parent is far more important
than the other. In the normal case that will still
be the mother. The ‘need’ of the children to be
brought up in a happy stress free home with
one parent is the first thing to be promoted. The
role of the second parent is primarily to support
and complement the task of the ‘principal carer’.
Usually, today, the role of the ‘second parent’ is
seen as significantly more important than it was
in Ormrod’s time. But by and large the needs,
wishes and feelings of the parent with residence
are still given precedence in the event of any
conflict or incompatibility.
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This attitude is likely to impact upon your
experiences in some measure, and so you
should keep this in mind when formulating your
arguments, in order to have maximum effect.
You may well wish to challenge these views.
The best way of doing that is to get involved in
FNF. But when you are arguing for the rights of
your children, put them first. That means doing
and saying whatever is necessary to get as
much shared parenting for them as you can. If
that involves holding your tongue about ways in
which you disagree with the fundamental values
and beliefs of the judge or another party, so be
it. If you are able to make your social, political
and ethical points without alienating the parties
in question, that is all for the good. For example
a judge (or Reporter/other) who believes that
that the ‘normal man’ puts his career before his
children (as the judge may well have done) may
find that view undermined eventually if he (or
she) encounters enough men who say the
opposite. But remember that you need him or
her on your side. You are more likely to be
successful if you show why, on the basis of the
views the Judge holds, your children should be
given a full and free relationship with you, than
if you try and prove to the judge that he or she
has mistaken or prejudiced views. The latter is
FNF’s job in our lobbying and educational work.
What to ask for by way of ‘contact’/
parenting time
Only you can know what is practical and what
you want. Explore with the children what they
want. While parents are often locked into
proportions of time, the children don’t see it like
this. They are more likely to be concerned
about what they do with whom, and in particular
with what inflexible parenting arrangements
may stop them doing. If this gives you less time
with them on a particular occasion, the children
Families Need Fathers Factsheet # 14
will often appreciate it. But do not hesitate to
ask for more time at a different stage to make
up, or for extra time for something special with
you.
One of the problems with the lack of respect
given by the authorities to shared parenting is
the insecurity it engenders in the parents. Non-
resident parents are likely to see any
departure from ‘the regime’ to the ‘advantage’
of the resident parent as being a possible step
towards the erosion of their part in the lives of
the children. This is indeed sometimes the
case. The residential parent sees any ‘extra’
contact as a potential threat to their dominant
position. If both felt that their position in the
lives of the children was certain, the normal
give and take that happens in intact families
would be much easier.
Do not – unless you are sure of a positive
response – strive/hope for ‘equality’ or for any
prescribed proportion of the children’s time.
This is to invite an immediate response that the
children ‘cannot be divided up like the CD
collection’ and you will potentially be labelled as
someone who treats children like items that
can and should be divided ‘fairly’ between the
parents. This point may be made by people who
quasi-automatically order or recommend
residence to the mother and a visit to the father
every second week-end, plus some holiday time
together. It would not be wise to draw attention
to these double standards. There is in fact no
research to support the view that this formula is
what is best for children. Such research into
shared parenting that does exist is that the
majority of children whose care is equally
divided are positive about it – although it does
not suit all1.
1 Children’s views of their changing families, Judy Dunn &
Kirby Deater-Deckard, Sep 2001
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However, such arrangements have become
conventional, broadly on the following grounds.
That the children should be in ‘one place’ during
the week, for childcare, school or other practical
reasons, but that both parents should share the
time the children are ‘free’.
You should consider three counter moves,
neither of which explicitly challenges the
entrenched prejudice of ‘every second
weekend and half the holidays’. The first is to
stretch that formula as far as it will go. The
‘visit every second weekend’ was once often
interpreted as a few hours on Saturday
afternoon. It usually now incorporates at least
picking up the children sometime on Saturday
and returning them in time for them to settle on
Sunday. Increasingly it is picking them up on
Friday direct from school/nursery/other and
returning them on Monday morning. ‘Half the
holidays’ was, similarly, sometimes seen as a
day or two over Christmas and Easter and a
week in the summer. It is now more liberally
interpreted, sometimes as half the school
holidays. It can be driven still further, to
include half bank holidays, half (or perhaps all)
days when the school is shut for training and
the like.
The second move is to add to this formula
‘special days’. Such as being with you on your
birthday or any other special days with you or
for your family, such as birthdays of their
grandparents on your side. For religious and
ethnic minorities whose festivals have not
been incorporated into, for example, the
organisation of school holidays it should
include a share of them. With a bit on
ingenuity the amount of time can be multiplied
without any direct challenge to what the
authorities think is ‘normal’ or ‘what works’.
The third move is to point out your need to be
involved in things that the formula would
Families Need Fathers Factsheet # 14
exclude you from. The most important of this is
schooling. An increasing number of children are
getting some mid-week time with their non-
residential parent and commonly the reason for
this is for him (or her) to have some contact with
school and the children’s mid-week life.
The ‘welfare checklist’
Decisions of the courts have to conform to the
law, and CAFCASS and other reports must also
address this. The law also has moral authority
in other contexts. The overarching law is the
Children Act 1989 and the most important
single aspect of that for you is the tests that
must be applied in making decisions and
recommendations. Many CAFCASS reports and
court judgements are organised around the
‘Welfare Checklist’ in that act and all have it as
a background. You need to address the same
checklist in your arguments explicitly or
implicitly.
The checklist is as follows: (The terminology of
the law is always masculine, the items apply
equally to females).
A court shall have regard in particular to:
a) the ascertainable wishes and feelings of the
child concerned (considered in the light of his
age and understanding);
b) his physical, emotional and educational
needs;
c) the likely effect on him of any change in his
circumstances;
d) his age, sex, background and any
characteristics of his which the court
considers relevant;
e) any harm which he has suffered or is at risk
of suffering;
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f) how capable each of his parents, and any
other person in relation to whom the court
considers the question to be relevant, is of
meeting his needs;
g) the range of powers available to the court
under this Act in the proceedings in question.
The points to be made in your
argument
You should address the needs and wishes of
the children first. If you need to mention
anything about yourself it should be of much
lower priority and your focus should be upon
how it makes a difference to the children. Often
it is good to start by saying a few words about
the children, their lives and personalities and
particular needs, tastes and interests.
• Address the items in the ‘welfare checklist’
above, showing how your proposals for
parenting time will meet them;
• The children’s need to know that you still
love them and, in particular, that you still
wish to share their lives. That this wish is
not to be a minor, distant participant, but to
be regularly and fully involved. Without this,
they may feel rejected and their self-esteem
and self-confidence will be damaged;
• Particular activities that you have and want
to continue to share with them. Particular
plans you have for them in the future. The
need for sufficient time to do this in.
Emphasise stability, that you want to go on
doing what they are used to;
• The role of their extended family on your
side. The children’s actual or potential
relationship with their family on your side.
The past and possible future development
Families Need Fathers Factsheet # 14
of this. This is part of their need for an
identity. There must be sufficient time for
this;
• The role of the children’s friendships and
continuity with familiar things. Research
indicates that even for quite young children
their friends are very important to them and
that their loss, for example if the resident
parent up sticks and goes to live far away,
deprives them of resources that are
important to their coping with all the other
distress that accompanies family break up.
The authorities rarely take this on board,
still less the need of children for any pets
they have which can also be very important;
• Yourself as a role model for them. Ways in
which they may benefit from sharing your
life and values. The children should be able
to see you and your life ‘in the round’. For
example, that you go out to work rather than
only being there when you can devote your
life to providing fun for them;
• Particular interests, qualities and skills that
you have that the children will benefit from
having contact with;
• Ways in which your style and attitudes
complement those of the mother.
Remember to acknowledge what she offers
too, but it is rare that the children will not get
from you something that they do not get
from her;
• The ways in which your role will make the
life and parenting of their other parent
easier. These may include: increased
capacity to earn as a result of your care
improving the economic position of your ex
and yourself; less need for child-minding,
babysitting, day-care either in an
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institutional setting or with people who may
be costly and unfamiliar;
• The relief your ex will have from childcare,
enabling her or him to have ‘another life’
and other interests, friendships and
relationships;
• That the children are in safe and loving
hands with you;
• The arrangements need to be such that you
know about their hobbies, friends and
interests. This is important for any parent, to
be able to discuss their progress and
problems. You should be able to offer
practical help, if that is needed, quickly
enough for it to be useful in the eyes of the
children. It is particularly important that your
involvement keeps you up to speed with
their schoolwork if the children are of school
age, so that you can support this;
• You can be emotionally close, and be ‘there’
or very soon ‘there’ if ‘anything happens’
that needs discussion or action. This may
include issues at school, with friends, with
brothers or sisters or other family members,
in the neighbourhood or, commonly enough,
with their other parent, step–parents or their
children. Nearly all of these will be at one
level trivial (petty accidents in the
playground for example), but immediate and
appropriate attention to them is of
considerable emotional and practical
importance to the children. These often flare
up and die down very quickly, and you will
not be seen as helpful by your children if not
readily available;
• You should stress the way that your
involvement is helpful to the children’s other
parent; that you will be on hand, and know
what to do in the event of any problem. The
Families Need Fathers Factsheet # 14
majority of problems will not be serious, but
‘everyday occurrences’, such as the
children being sent home at lunchtime due
to a problem at school, but giving any
examples of this will be helpful.
50:50 Shared Parenting Plans
If you are able to agree to have a 50:50
parenting plan with your ex-partner, then the
plan on the next page provides a working model
for how that might work, in a way which children
up to secondary school age would find
workable, giving them stable long weekends.
If you are seeking an equal parenting plan
through UK courts, it is worth noting that orders
for 50:50 care remain rare in the UK.
Care and careful thought needs to be exercised
in making an application for such an
arrangement. Depending on your family
circumstances it may be possible to ask for this
and for it to be granted by the court.
Whether you are asking for equal parenting time
or some other arrangement, make sure that
your justification is based on the positive, child-
centered parenting that you will bring to the
child(ren). Arguing that other arrangements are
'unfair' to you is likely to be counter-productive.
Dr Hamish Cameron, a renowned Consultant
Child Psychiatrist, has prepared the plan on the
next page for such parenting arrangements; it is
designed to provide continuity and stability for
pre-secondary school children. Where the
conflict between parents is high, it also has the
advantage of term-time handovers being from
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The law, legal procedures and the network of
relevant organisations and agencies are all
different in Scotland. If you or your children are
normally based in Scotland contact Families
Need Fathers Scotland. Telephone 0131 557
2440 or email scotland@fnf.org.uk.
school, providing the child with a calming buffer
of an ordinary school day and less exposure to
anxious parents.
Other Parenting Plans
If, as is more likely, you are preparing plans for
less equal divisions of time, prepare your
proposals in a similarly clear manner.
Further details on parenting plans can be found
at fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2/parenting-
plans.
If you are making your proposals for a court
hearing, these should be attached to your
Position Statement to be shared with the Court
and other parties before the hearing. Usually
position statements are shared/exchanged
ahead of the hearing at court, a day or two
before or as prescribed by any prior court
orders.
PARENTING PLAN
For children of separated parents
Children whose parents live apart grow up more emotionally settled
when both mother and father continue to share parenting.
This fortnightly plan provides continuity & stability for children with only two moves per week,
and regularity for their parents.

Equal Time Child Parenting Plan

Monday Tuesday Weds Thu Fri Sat Sun

same days every week same days every week alternating weekends

Week 1 Mother Mother Father Father Mother Mother Mother

Week 2 Mother Mother Father Father Father Father Father

Week 3 Mother Mother Father Father Mother Mother Mother

Week 4 Mother Mother Father Father Father Father Father

How does this plan work?

• Alternate long weekends with each parent are an important part of the children’s settled 5 night stays

• This plan succeeds when parents live apart, or if they parent alternately in the children’s family home

• Even for toddlers, five nights is not too long to be away from their other parent

• The parents can adapt this plan flexibly for school holidays

• The parent looking after the children organises the move to their other parent

Children like this plan – 4 same-parent schooldays, 5-night stays and only
2 moves per week.
Children like fair, dependable parenting arrangements.

Population studies show that, in Sweden 30% i.e. one in three children of separated parents has an
“equal parenting time” plan. This “fortnightly equal time” example also works very well for UK children.
 Dr Hamish Cameron, Child Psychiatrist, August 2016