Established when Jeff Reed was still the Steelers’ kicker…*sigh*...

November

The Pittiful News

The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue 11
19
2010
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Where did my Examining the driver’s test with a Mr. E
clothes go? By: Zack Schmidt
Staff Writer
Schmitt (S): Thank you for con-
senting to do this interview, Mr.
S: Your license was quickly re-
voked, correct?
By: Emily Croushore With respect to the actual man E. E: Well, they say I never actual-
Staff Writer interviewed in this story, he will be Mr. E (E): You’re very welcome, ly obtained a license.
left unidentified and given the Zack. S: Right…and as I understand
“Mini” skirts. “Holey” jeans. Fish-
pseudonym “Mr. E.” Also, The S: So, can you tell me what hap- it, you’re planning to file a law-
net stockings. See-through lace shirts.
Pittiful News thanks its readers in pened? suit against the Motor Vehicle
Brace yourself, America, for we have
advance for not driving their cars E: Well, I had just passed my Bureau?
now experienced what third-world
into the Cathedral of Learning. driver’s license test - the first E: That’s correct.
countries have been struggling with for
Mr. E, 34, recently granted me time in 17 years of fruitless en- S: Could you elaborate on that?
years: A fabric shortage! No longer are
access to his home for a brief deavors! So understandably, I E: Well, as you know, I did pass
you able to walk down the streets of
interview regarding his adven- was very excited when my tester the test. At that point, I should
Pittsburgh with confidence or warmth,
ture following his first passed told me I had passed. As I was not be able to lose my license, or
because material is missing from your
driver’s license test after 17 years parking, though, I was just so at least, the DMV should not be
clothes! Unfortunately, girls are una-
of trying. We sat down to some caught up in my accomplishment able to take it away. Hey, I
ble to buy clothes that cover arms, legs,
finger sandwiches and coffee, and that I didn’t notice my foot was passed, right? Sure, the police
and even “private” areas. It is not
our discussion reads as follows pressing the accelerator and not can take my license away for
their fault, however, but instead the
(also available as a pod cast the brake. reckless endangerment or some-
shortage of material that producers are
d o w n l o a d a t S: And so you went right thing, but the people who passed
working with. Of course, if clothing
www.pittifulnews.org/podcast/ through the doors? me can’t take it away just be-
brands had it their way, they would
zjs/11310): E: (He sighs.) Yeah. Boy, was cause I slammed through their
consciously design clothing with self-
my face red. But it could have building and sprained a few peo-
moralization and undesirable weather
been worse; I could have hit the ple’s ankles or whatever! I de-
in mind, right?
wall or killed someone. mand my right as an American
Not only is material in short supply,
but also the material that is available, Mr. E, Page 2
well, it is hardly justifiable. Young
girls, who just want to be fashion-
forward and comfortable at the same
time, find themselves struggling with
this clothing debacle. They now must
subdue their conservative style and
downgrade themselves to the new
“styles.” Regardless of what merchan-
disers promote, no intelligent girl wants
to wear clothes that they have to con-
stantly pull down or stretch out. In-
stead, these unfortunate girls only want
clothing that actually covers their skin,
right?
The other victims in this catastrophe
are the clothes. The dream of a pair of
jeans is to simply be completed; howev-
er, due to the material shortage, this
process is no longer possible, hence the
“holes.” Also, produces cannot even
scavenge enough material to make a
pair of thin, shear tights; instead, they
have succumbed to creating the fishnet,
because the large the hole, the fewer
the material needed.
What, you ask, is the solution? Well,
the best way to go about this dilemma
is to simply gather all of your clothes,
sew them together, and voila, “holey”, Eileen Tong/Staff Photographer
see-through, and “mini” free!
...And by pumpkins, I mean my vagina. (Caption courtesy of Caption Contest winner Leishanda Gilarski)
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com
Interviewed car wrecker is downright pathetic. Get a life, loser.
Mr. E, Page 1
citizen to be immune from normal
traffic laws while a student driver! I
demand satisfaction - specifically,
that the DMV, Penndot, and Penn-
sylvania state law enforcement be
satisfied in my abilities as a compe-
tent driver, and that I should be
able to keep my license!
S: Yes, well…perhaps we’ll move to
a less enraging topic… How have
you been getting around all these
years? You’ve been trying to get a
license for almost two decades.
E: Oh, my mom. She drives me to
church, to work, to my Little
League games.
S: Little League? Haven’t you
grown up at all?
E: No, no, I’m the coach. Well, not
the head coach; one of the assistant
coaches.
S: Oh. Well, what do you do? Are
you the pitching coach? Batting
coach?
E: No, I…help with the base run-
ning.
S: So you’re a first or third base
coach?
E: Why all these questions? Stop
making fun of me! It’s Bush’s fault!
I never wanted this! Where’s my
[expletive] noose?
S: Hey, hey, hey! Slow down, ease
off, Mr. E! Let’s calm down, okay?
Take it easy now. No one’s laugh-
ing at you, or even with you. Okay?
E: All right. I’m good.
S: So what do you do for your Little
League team?
E: I’m teaching this one kid, Clay.
He’s going to replace me someday
soon. He’s just getting so good.
He’s even implemented some new
techniques, stuff I never would have
thought of. Probably cause there’s
so much other [expletive] going on
in my life…three peptic ulcers and
counting, prostate the size of a base-
ball glove already… Anyway, I’m
teaching Clay how to lay down the
chalk for the base path lines.
S: Oh, well that’s nothing to be
ashamed of. Hey, without the lines,
there’s no --
E: Oh, give me a break! Of course
they can still play baseball without
the lines!
It’s [expletive] Little League! S: Don’t worry, Mrs. E. I’ll show
Besides, I’ve probably already lost myself out. Please don’t let your
my job. All the kids are afraid of son behind the wheel.
me. They think I’m going to veer
off the paths and run them over Zack Schmidt still does not know if E.
with the chalk liner. Soon Clay will has been let out to drive again, but
have my job, if he doesn’t already. tends to double-check every intersection
S: Well, look on the bright side: it’ll before he crosses, just in case.
be one less place your mom has to
drive you.
E: Shut up. Don’t insult me. I see
right through your pathetic attempt
at finding a silver lining.
S: Or in your case, a chalk lining.
E: Shut up! Okay, this interview’s
over! Mom, get this jerk out of our
house!
S: You live with your mom, too?
E: (He breaks into tears.) Waaaah!
Mommy, make the bad man leave!
At this point, his mom appeared in
the door frame between the living room
and kitchen, clutching a spatula, mop
and stapler. She glared at me, then
her son. Then she winked and
mouthed something to me, but unfortu-
nately I can’t read lips without my
reading glasses.