From THE VERY BAD GIRL SCOUTS

MANDY:
I’m so ashamed. Burton, close the door.

Good. Please dim the lights.

Don’t think I’m a bad person but I ate them all. You have to help me hide the wrappers. My
mother is going to be home from Bingo any minute and we need to hide the evidence. I ate
them all, Burton. I’m a terrible person. I ate the Thin Mints, the Do-si-dos, the Trefoils, the
Tagalongs, and even the Carmel Delites. And I don’t even like the Carmel Delights. No one
does.

I’m never going to get that cookie connection badge now.

I’ve let down everyone. Everyone. Mad Dog, Toastito, Rashida, Miss Lick, my grandmother, the
whole troop. My mother is going to kill me. I mean really kill this time. She’s got a temper,
especially after Bingo. Once when I lost my retainer, she had to be restrained and tranquilized.
Not really. But I had to slip some Benedryl in her Snapple just to get her to calm down.

Stop laughing. I’m serious. I think I may have eaten a thousand dollars of crap this evening.
Maybe we could go to the A&P and buy a bunch of fake cookies and stuff them back into the
boxes. No one will know the difference. We’ll sell them to your Aunt Dotty. She’s blind and
she’s always liked me.

It’s such a rip off anyway, 15 cookies in a box for four bucks! Obscene! That’s almost 24 cents a
cookie, Burton. Do you think she has a thousand dollars? She’ll never know the difference.
Burton, I’m feeling a little nauseous. It’s not you. It’s the thin mints.
From YOU’RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN

CHARLIE BROWN (sitting on the bench):

I think lunchtime is about the worst time of the day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Of
course, sometimes mornings aren't so pleasant, either - waking up and wondering if anyone
would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there's the night, too - lying there and
thinking about all the stupid things I've done during the day. And all those hours in between -
when I do all those stupid things. Well, lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me.

Well, I guess I'd better see what I've got. Peanut Butter. Some psychiatrists say that people
who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely. I guess they're right. And when you're really
lonely, the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth (he says this while chewing. Then he
gets the peanut butter unstuck with his finger).

Boy the PTA sure did a good job of painting these benches.

There's that cute little redheaded girl eating her lunch over there. I wonder what she'd do if I
went over and asked her if I could sit and have lunch with her. She'd probably laugh right in my
face. It's hard on a face when it gets laughed in. There's an empty place next to her on the
bench. There's no reason why I couldn't just go over and sit there. I could do that right now. All
I have to do is stand up. I'm standing up! (He stands up.) I'm sitting down. (He sits down.)

I'm a coward. I'm so much of a coward she probably wouldn't even think of looking at me. She
hardly ever does look at me. In fact, I can't remember her ever looking at me. Why shouldn't
she look at me? Is there any reason in the world why she shouldn't look at me? Is she so great
and I'm so small that she can't spare one little moment- she's looking at me. She's looking at
me. (He puts his lunch bag on his head.)
From YOU’RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN

SALLY BROWN:
A "C"... a "C"... I got a "C" on my coat hanger sculpture. How could anyone get a "C" in coat
hanger sculpture?

May I ask a question? Was I being judged on the piece of sculpture itself? If so, is it not true that
time alone can judge a work of art? Or was I being judged on my talent? If so, is it right that I be
judged on a part of life over which I have no control? If I was judged on my effort then I was
judged unfairly for I tried as hard as I could. Was I being judged on what I have learned about
this project? If so, were then not you, my teacher, also being judged on your ability to transmit
your knowledge to me? Are you willing to share my "C"?

Well, perhaps I was being judged on the quality of the coat hanger itself, out of which my
creation was made. Now is that not also unfair? Am I to be judged by the quality of the coat
hangers that are used by our dry cleaning establishment to return our garments. Is this not the
responsibility of my parents? Should they not share my "C"?

Thank you, Miss Othmar. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
From ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND

ALICE:
Ow! Ow! Ow! What a curious place. I wonder how many miles I’ve fallen. (She addresses the
audience quite naturally, as if she were carrying on a polite conversation.) I know it sounds most
odd, but I just fell down a rabbit hole. (She laughs at the absurdity of her remark.) Oh, I swear it’s
true. I’ve never been known to lie.

You see, I was sitting by my sister in an open field. I was bored. I often am. Once or twice, I
peeped into the book my sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it. And
what is the use of a book without pictures in it?

Anyway, that was when the most peculiar rabbit bounced past me, shouting in English, plain as
you and me! Whoever heard of a rabbit with a pocket or a watch to take out of it?

That’s why I chased it. I popped down a large hole under the hedge. I imagine I must be
somewhere near the center of the earth. Let me see… that would be four thousand miles
down, I think.
Stand-Alone Piece

BRUMBLY:
All right, you North Pole newbies, this is your orientation. The Christmas countdown is ticking
away, we don't have much time, so prick up those pointy ears and listen up! My name is
Inspector Brumbly, Elf Number 8425. I have delivered this orientation speech for over a
thousand years, so if I look burnt out, it is not your imagination.

The number one rule here at Santa's workshop is, 'When the fat man is on the floor, look busy.'
Everything after that is easy. As you can see this is the main room where all of the magic
happens. Make sure when you are working alongside the conveyor belt that you do not wear
jingle-bell sleeves. Last year, Happy the Elf lost an arm. Not so happy any more.

Some basic tips, common sense really. Don't stare at Rudolph's nose. He hates that. It's red.
Get over it. If you see a disoriented talking snowman that says 'Happy Birthday,' just smile and
nod politely. He's senile but harmless. Don't listen to rumors about Mrs. Claus and the Easter
Bunny, and don't mention those rumors to Santa. And especially don't mention to him after
he's had more than two glasses of eggnog. Trust me on this one, I know from experience.

All right, elves, that's about it. Let's get to work!

From LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS

SEYMOUR:
Well, I was walking in the wholesale flower distinct one day. And I passed by this place where
this old Chinese man sometimes sells me weird and exotic cuttings- 'Cause he knows, you see,
strange plants are my hobby!

Well, he didn't have anything unusual there that day. And I was about to, you know, walk on by
when suddenly and without warning, there was this total eclipse of the sun! It got very dark.
And then I heard a strange humming sound, like something from another world. And when the
light came back, this weird plant was just sitting there, just stuck in, you know, among the
zinnias? I coulda sworn it hadn't been there before.
But the old Chinese man sold it to me anyway for a dollar ninety five.

I still don’t even know what it is! It looks like some kind of flytrap, but I haven't been able to
identify it in any of my books. So I gave it my own name…. I call it an Audrey Two.
From BRIGHTON BEACH MEMOIRS

EUGENE:
Let me explain Aunt Blanche's situation. You see, her husband, Uncle Dave, died six years ago
from… (He looks around.)… this thing… They never say the word. They always whisper it. It
was… (He whispers.) cancer! …I think they're afraid if they said it out loud, God would say, "I
HEARD THAT! YOU SAID THE DREADED DISEASE! JUST FOR THAT, I SMITE YOU DOWN
WITH IT!!"

There are some things that grown-ups just won't discuss. For example, my grandfather. He
died from (He whispers.) diphtheria! …Anyway, after Uncle Dave died, he left Aunt Blanche
with no money. And she couldn't support herself because she has (He whispers.) asthma. So my
big-hearted mother insisted we take her and her kids in to live with us. My father thought it
would just be temporary but it's been three and a half years so far and I think because of Aunt
Blanche's situation, my father is developing… (He whispers.) high blood pressure!
Stand-Alone Piece

I know Mr. Swimmie died, but this is different. Mr. Swimmie was weird as soon as we got him.
Half the time he swam backwards, remember? And sometimes he’d bump into the tank, like
maybe he couldn’t see right or something. I did try to feed him—most of the time. You know,
right before dinner, if I was smelling your macaroni and cheese cooking or maybe you were
making that dessert with cherry and chocolate I love? Or even if it was that gross pot roast that
stinks up the house. I had to think of food because I was smelling it. So I’d feed him. Like, every
day. Honest. Or most days anyway. (pause)

So I know I forgot a few days. I’m not perfect like Emily, ok? I was watching tv, and maybe I
didn’t think about Mr. Swimmie, but at least I was watching PBS, right? And…look, Mom, I was
different then, when I had Mr. Swimmie. I was just a little kid. He died such a long time ago and
you really have to just get over it. I think it was maybe like…two…or three weeks ago?

I’m a lot more grown up now.

So, let’s go back to the pet store and get me that puppy.
From THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN

Miss Watson told me to pray every day, and whatever I asked for I would get it. But it warn't so.
I tried it. Once I got a fish-line, but no hooks. It warn't any good to me without hooks. I tried for
the hooks three or four times, but somehow I couldn't make it work. By and by, one day, I
asked Miss Watson to try for me, but she said I was a fool. She never told me why, and I
couldn't make it out no way. I set down one time back in the woods, and had a long think about
it. I says to myself, if a body can get anything they pray for, why don't Deacon Winn get back
the money he lost on pork? Why can't the widow get back her silver snuffbox that was stole?
Why can't Miss Watson fat up? No, says I to my self, there ain't nothing in it. I went and told the
widow about it, and she said the thing a body could get by praying for it was "spiritual gifts."
This was too many for me, but she told me what she meant--I must help other people, and do
everything I could for other people, and look out for them all the time, and never think about
myself. This was including Miss Watson, as I took it. I went out in the woods and turned it over
in my mind a long time, but I couldn't see no advantage about it--except for the other people;
so at last I reckoned I wouldn't worry about it any more, but just let it go.
From MATILDA

BRUCE:
Okay, look, alright, I stole the cake. And honestly I was really, definitely, sort of almost thinking
about owning up… maybe? But the thing was I was having a lot of trouble with my belly. You
see, the Trunchbull’s cake was so good that I’d scoffed it down too quick and now it was
beginning to fight back.

It was the biggest burp I had ever done. It was the biggest burp I had ever heard, the biggest
burp I had ever heard about. It was like the entire world went silent for that burp to exist, as a
huge cloud of chocolaty gas wafted from my mouth and drifted… across the class…

Past Lavender… Past Alice… Past Matilda…and then, my great big beautiful chocolaty burp,
which now seemed to have a mind of its own, wafted full into the face of the Trunchbull.