INT. Harlequin’s Castle.

The stage is dark as SWOB begins an apparent narration, and brightens once HARLEQUIN,
lounging, cuts in.
SWOB
In a world of myth and magic, two great sorcerers rule—but at odds with each other. The
handsome Harlequin and the ugly Ariadne have been rivals since they were children—
HARLEQUIN
Wait a second there, hold up. Ariadne isn’t that ugly.
SWOB
My apologies sir, but you said to write something that would really annoy her as the blurb for
your autobiography.
HARLEQUIN
I know what my orders were Swob, don’t you try and quote my orders back at me.
SWOB
Of course sir I—
HARLEQUIN
Put in something like ‘alluring’, she’ll hate that.
SWOB
The ‘alluring Ariadne’?
HARLEQUIN
(Giggling)
Yeah, yeah that’s perfect—saying something nice about her will really work her up.
SWOB
Of course sir.
HARLEQUIN
Plus she hates alliteration.

INT. Ariadne’s Castle.

ARIADNE is reading the back of HARLEQUIN’s autobiography titled ‘Harlequin: A
Memoir—Not just magic, I’m funny too!’, she screams and stand up. BEA enters running.
BEA
What is it my lady?
ARIADNE
That bastard.
BEA
Oh. So this is Harlequin related.
ARIADNE
He knows how much I hate alliteration.
BEA
That he does, my Lady.
ARIADNE
And how dare he call me alluring. This is not for him—I’m too good for him! He doesn’t
have the right to look at me, let alone call me alluring.
BEA
Understood, my lady. I believe this is in response to the calzones you ordered to his
residence.
ARIADNE
What? He likes pizza.
BEA
Yes, but a calzone is not a pizza. In your own words, shall I remind you what you said?
‘Calzone’s are the worst version of a pizza because they are difficult to eat, and if someone
wanted something like a pizza, they should just get pizza. Oh yes, that is brilliant, send 500
dragoons worth to that wretches castle’...I think it’s safe to assume he didn’t like the prank,
my lady.
ARIADNE
It was hardly a prank, more of an inconvenience.
BEA
And then that calzone incident was because he bought all of the tickets to that show you
wanted to see...
ARIADNE
He knows how much I like the Royal Cello Quartet. Ugh, this would never have happened if
we hadn’t made that silly pact when we were younger.
BEA
You mean the blood oath never to harm one another?
ARIADNE
Yes, thank you Bea, that pact.

INT. Harlequin’s castle.

HARLEQUIN is lying on a couch, spit balling ideas, while SWOB has a notepad and takes
them down.
HARLEQUIN
Should I change the parking restrictions around where she parks her horse, or put up a wanted
poster of her likeness around the kingdom?
SWOB
The wanted poster is a little similar to when she cast that spell on everyone to tickle you on
sight.
HARLEQUIN
You’re right, we wouldn’t want to be repeating pranks. Ariadne, prepare yourself for a world
of inexplicable parking fines!

INT. Ariadne’s Castle.

ARIADNE is sorting through a bunch of fines, ripping them up as she goes. BEA is holding a
dustpan and brush.
ARIADNE
And that’s another one.
BEA
Are we going to pay the fines, my lady, or is your tyranny so absolute that we are no longer
obeying the traffic rules?
ARIADNE
I do not appreciate your sarcasm, Bea.
BEA
Very good, my lady.
ARIADNE
And no, we are not going to be paying the fines. This smells distinctly of Harlequin’s sense
of humour—not to mention his magic—so how about we go double or nothing in this
venture?

INT. Harlequin’s Castle.

HARELQUIN is doing yoga as SWOB enters nonchalantly.
SWOB
Sir, there is a notice here, and a fine attached.
HARLEQUIN slowly eases out of his stretch, maintaining eye contact with SWOB.
HARLEQUIN
Just pay it, I can’t be having any of those brown noses at the law office trying to claim I
defaulted on my castle’s loan again.
SWOB
Might I remind you that was a ruse instigated by Ariadne, and not in any way an official
attempt at securing your castle?
HARLEQUIN
Oh yeah, god she’s so annoying. Okay, what is the fine for?
SWOB
Public indecency.
HARLEQUIN
That insolent, scheming, conniving little witch!
SWOB
I too had a feeling it was the work of Ariadne again.

INT. Ariadne’s Castle.

ARIADNE is looking bored. BEA has a pile of books in an attempt to entertain her.
ARIADNE
He hasn’t retaliated yet, Bea.
BEA
My lady?
ARIADNE
Harlequin. He hasn’t done anything this week.
BEA
We do not know that my lady. He may have been very productive with his own affairs.
ARIADNE
He hasn’t done anything to me, Bea. He always does something.
BEA
One would have thought you’d be relieved, my lady, his antics, though never deadly as per
your pact’s decree, are always rather intrusive.
ARIADNE
He must have done it and I haven’t noticed…
BEA
It almost appears that you want to be provoked by him.
ARIADNE
Well what else is there? I mean, I can’t kill him and he can’t kill me. Neither one of us will
ever be the sole ruler of the Kingdom, we established that in the Monarch’s Test.
BEA
As I recall neither of you actually passed…
ARIADNE
We were too busy making sure the other didn’t cross the finish line.
BEA
And the rest of the competition were destroyed in the fracas, that’s right.
ARIADNE
Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the thing!
BEA
My lady?
ARIADNE
He’s not doing anything and knows I’ll get worked up by it.
BEA
That sounds like a new tactic.
ARIADNE
No, it’s his usual style, he’s always trying to annoy me.
BEA
And doing nothing is…annoying?
ARIADNE
I…I mean…
BEA
Shall we be doing nothing in return and see if this new tactic elicits a response?
ARIADNE
Yes. Yes we shall. Serves him right for treating me like this.

INT. Harlequin’s Castle.

HARLEQUIN is sitting down with a bandage around his head and his arm in a sling.
HARLEQUIN
Thwob? Thwob!
SWOB enters quickly.
SWOB
Sir!? Are you awake now, sir? Oh sir, you gave us a right scare.
HARLEQUIN
(Rubbing his head)
What happened, Thwob? Why can’t I thpeak pwoperwy?
SWOB
You were concocting a bomb, sir.
HARLEQUIN
A bomb?
SWOB
A magic bomb, sir. I believe the intention was to flood Ariadne’s castle with a combination
of hops, fermented grapes and potatoes.
HARLEQUIN
I….don’t remember that.
SWOB
An alcoholic bomb would do that, sir. You’ve been hung over for over a week now.
HARLEQUIN
A week?? What did we do to Ariadne?
SWOB
Nothing, sir. You were passed out most of the time, sir.
HARLEQUIN
Well, what has Ariadne done to us?
SWOB
Nothing, sir.
HARLEQUIN
Nothing? She never does nothing! She’s always up to something.
SWOB
Perhaps she has decided ignoring you is a more effective use of her time.
HARLEQUIN
Ignoring me?
SWOB
The act of pretending you don’t exist, sir.
HARLEQUIN
I wasn’t requesting the definition, Swob, but rather questioning your logic—we have never
ignored one another. Annoyed? Yes. Irritated? Yes. Wished the other didn’t exist and that our
childhood pact had been as ineffective as our attempts to become the one supreme ultimate
ruler? Yes. But never ignored…
SWOB
Are you insinuating that you rather enjoy being irritated by…the alluring Ariadne?
HARLEQUIN
No!
SWOB
Then what is the problem?
HARLEQUIN
There is no problem.
SWOB
Okay then…Shall we plan a new course of action in regard to, pardon my French sir,
méconenter mademoiselle Ariadne?
HARLEQUIN
No, we will not be displeasing Ariadne today…do you think she’s really not going to annoy
me anymore? I mean, we did spend a lot of time and energy plotting to inconvenience each
other. Maybe she has found a better use for her time…
SWOB
The sky might fall from the heavens, sir.
HARLEQUIN
Really? I’d never thought to worry about that, but now that you mention it, the world does
feel a bit smaller.

EXT. Woods.
SWOB and BEA enter sneakily from opposite sides.
BEA
Out with it then.
SWOB
I’m sorry?
BEA
What does Harlequin think he’s doing?
SWOB
Oh. Apart from blowing himself up?
BEA
He’s dead?!
SWOB
Oh no, just concussed.
BEA
Thank god, I don’t know what the mistress would do if he actually died.
SWOB
Nor my master at that, he’s missing her pranks more by the day.
BEA
He started it. He didn’t do anything for a week, and it drove her up the wall—she was even
less productive about running the kingdom than usual!
SWOB
Did you hear me when I said that he blew himself up? He was in and out of consciousness for
over a week, he couldn’t have planned to inconvenience her if he wanted to—and believe me
he wanted to!
BEA
You mean this ceasefire is completely by accident?
SWOB
And I’m Ariadne hasn’t completely forgotten about him and moved on with her life?
BEA
I don’t think that’s physically possible.
SWOB
Hmm…Harlequin has been moping around acting even more tedious without her as an
annoyance.
BEA
How haven’t we realised this before?
SWOB
What?
BEA
Well, they like each other.
SWOB
The track record of them irritating the other for years on end might suggest otherwise.
BEA
No, I mean they want to smoosh their faces and have lots of babies together.
SWOB
Ah, you might be right there.
BEA
I frequently am, it’s a real burden.
SWOB and BEA turn back to their castles and pull HARLEQUIN and ARIADNE with them
back to the woods. They wander without seeing the other.
HARLEQUIN
Where are we going, Swob? I’ve searched these woods high and low, there aren’t any burial
ground for me to sanctify. This whole goddamn kingdom is already too blessed by Ariadne
and her obsession with purification.
SWOB
Just up a bit further sir.
HARLEQUIN
I mean, what’s wrong with a bit of darkness every now and again? You can’t have something
three dimensional without a bit of shadow somewhere.
SWOB
Very wise, sir.
ARIADNE
Bea, I must insist we turn back soon, there is something dark here, I don’t like it stirs me
inside.
BEA
Stirs you, my lady?
ARIADNE
How it twists me about. I prefer transparency, purity—I can’t have this ambiguity within me
much longer. Where is this burial ground?
They meet. SWOB and BEA flock together, ready to watch the show. HARLEQUIN and
ARIADNE back away from each other.
ARIADNE
Hello.
HARLEQUIN
Hello now, is it?
ARIADNE
We haven’t seen each other in years, Harl, what would you have me say?
HARLEQUIN
You ignore me for weeks and now you say hello? I don’t understand you at all.
ARIADNE
I’ve been ignoring you?
HARLEQUIN
That’s right. I wake up from my accident and you’ve suddenly gotten on with your life.
ARIADNE
Accident? Also I always had a life without you. What I did never revolved around you,
Harlequin.
HARLEQUIN
(Angry, without guile)
Well mine did.
ARIADNE
(Softer)
What?
HARLEQUIN
I mean, my life was about destroying you.
ARIADNE
We both know we can’t do that.
HARLEQUIN
No, destroying your spirit, pissing you off, annoying you, being…inconvenient.
ARIADNE
And ruling the kingdom? Not a true goal, just an attempt at irritating me, I suppose.
HARLEQUIN
Not exactly.
ARIADNE
Become a powerful sorcerer to spite me, you’re so full of it.
HARLEQUIN steps closer to ARIADNE
HARLEQUIN
I mean, I have made your life really annoying, Ariadne.
ARIADNE looks at HARLEQUIN strangely and takes a step towards him.
ARIADNE
I’ve given as good as I’ve gotten, Harlequin.
HARLEQUIN
I blew myself up making an alcoholic bomb to intoxicate you and everyone in your castle.
ARIADNE
Oh Harl, you do care.
They embrace. BEA and SWOB share a look.
SWOB
How…
BEA
Convenient!