Jan Rey G.

Valera
1A-SCIENCE

The opposite of love isn’t hate, it's indifference. Ghosting, for those of you who haven’t yet experienced
it, is having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you
are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even a
text.

Ghosting isn’t new—people have long engaged in disappearing acts—but years ago this kind of behavior
was considered limited to a certain type of scoundrel. In today’s dating culture being ghosted is a
phenomenon that approximately 50 percent of men and women have experienced—and an almost
equal number have done the ghosting. Despite how common ghosting is, the emotional effects can be
devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have fragile self-esteem.

Why do people ghost?

People who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and they aren’t
thinking about how it makes the other person feel. The lack of mutual social connections for people who
met online also means there are fewer social consequences of dropping out of another’s life. The more
it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become desensitized to it, and the
more likely they are to do it to someone else.

“I didn't understand exactly how I actually felt at the time, so instead of trying to talk it out, I ghosted.”

“I used to disappear when it was all I thought it was [a fling], or I got scared of finding what I wanted…
Or some kind of fear factor from a past relationship kicks in.”

“Looking through the lens of a coward, passive withdrawal from dating seems like the easiest and nicest
route… until it’s done to you.”

“I kind of think that it's part of what makes the online-dating scene so appealing. Since you don't have
friends in common or weren't introduced through some other channel, it's not the end of the world if
you just drop off the face of the earth.”

“I, for one, consider myself to be an honest and straightforward person. And yet I’ve ghosted... And I’ve
told myself, time and time again, that it’s all the fault of the toxic dating culture we’ve created. And at
the end of the day, I think that’s what we’re all telling ourselves.”

How does it feel to be ghosted?

For many people, ghosting can result in feelings of being disrespected, used and disposable. If you have
known the person beyond more than a few dates then it can be even more traumatic. When someone
we love and trust disengages from us it feels like a very deep betrayal.

“I felt like an idiot. Like I had been played a fool. And more so I felt disrespected. Take the romantics
away, to have a great connection with a new friend and then all of a sudden never hear from them
again? That’s painful and really disappointing. No one deserves to be blown off.”
“It still felt a bit like someone had punched me in the gut when it happened. The disregard is insulting.
The lack of closure is maddening. You move on, but not before your self-esteem takes a hit. The only
thing worse than being broken up with is realizing that someone didn’t even consider you worth
breaking up with.”

“Going from texting every day and seeing each other a couple of times a week to nothing without the
slightest hint of why was a kick in the gut.”

“Ghosting is one of the cruelest forms of torture dating can serve up.”

Why does it feel so bad?

Social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. In fact, you can reduce
the emotional pain of rejection with a pain medication like Tylenol. But in addition to this biological link
between rejection and pain, there are some specific factors about ghosting that contribute to the
psychological distress.

Ghosting gives you no cue for how to react. It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be
worried? What if they are hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset? Maybe
they are just a little busy and will be calling you at any moment. You don’t know how to react because
you don’t really know what has happened. Staying connected to others is so important to our survival
that our brain has evolved to have a social monitoring system that scans the environment for cues so
that we know how to respond in social situations. Social cues allow us to regulate our own behavior
accordingly, but ghosting deprives you of these usual cues and can create a sense of emotional
dysregulation where you feel out of control.

One of the most insidious aspects of ghosting is that it doesn’t just cause you to question the validity of
the relationship you had, it causes you to question yourself. Why didn’t I see this coming? How could I
have been such a poor judge of character? What did I do to cause this? How do I protect myself from
this ever happening again? This self-questioning is the result of basic psychological systems that are in
place to monitor one’s social standing and relay that information back to the person via feelings of self-
worth and self-esteem. When a rejection occurs your self-esteem can drop, which social psychologists
propose is meant to be a signal that your social belonging is low. If you have been through multiple
ghostings or if your self-esteem is already low, you are likely to experience the rejection as even more
painful, and it may take you longer to get over it as people with lower-self-esteem have less
natural opioid (pain-killer) released into the brain after a rejection when compared with those whose
self-esteem is higher.

Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by
mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty. It essentially renders you powerless and
leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you
emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions
and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.

Regardless of the ghoster’s intent, ghosting is a passive-aggressive interpersonal tactic that can leave
psychological bruises and scars.

How do you move forward?

The important thing to remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your
worthiness for love and everything about the person doing the ghosting. It shows he or she doesn’t have
the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours, and they either don't understand
the impact of their behavior or worse don’t care. In any case, they have sent you an extremely loud
message that says: I don’t have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with you. Be the
better person, retain your dignity, and let him or her go peacefully.

Don’t allow someone else’s bad behavior to rob you of a better future by losing your vulnerability and
shutting yourself off from another relationship. Keep your energy focused on doing what makes you
happy. Know that if you are someone who treats people with respect and integrity then the ghoster
simply wasn’t on your wavelength and someone better is coming your way, as long as you keep your
heart open and your focus forward.