SHARING
Talk to your child about sharing before she goes on play dates with other
Learning to share with others can be difficult for young children because
they are so focused on themselves. But, sharing is a skill they need for
play and learning throughout childhood and thinking about others—their
feelings and their needs—is a critical social skill. Very young children
know when someone is unhappy or hurt, but they need guidance to learn
how to help.
Why sharing is important
Sharing is a vital life skill. It’s something toddlers and children need to
learn in order to make friends and play cooperatively.
Once your child starts having play dates and going to child care,
preschool or kindergarten, he’ll need to be able to share with others.
Helping your child learn to share
Children often take their cues from what they see their parents doing.
When you model good sharing and turn-taking in family life, you give
your children a great example to follow.
Other ways to encourage sharing include the following:
Point out good sharing in others. You can say things like, ‘Your friend was
sharing her toys really well. That was very kind of her’. You can also point
out sharing examples in any books, DVDs or TV shows your child enjoys.
For example, you could say things such as, ‘Look at Karen and Rhys
sharing the play dough on Playschool. They’re having so much fun!’
When you see your child trying to share or take turns, make sure you
give lots of praise and attention. For example, ‘I liked the way you let
Aziz play with your train. Great sharing!’
Play games with your child that involve sharing and turn-taking. Talk your
child through the steps, saying things like, ‘Now it’s my turn to build the
tower, then it’s your turn. You share the red blocks with me, and I’ll
share the green blocks with you’.
children. For example, you could say, ‘When Georgia comes over; you’ll
need to share some of your toys. Why don’t we ask her what she wants
to play with?’ You can also talk to your child about sharing before
heading off to child care or preschool.
Put away any special toys when other children are coming to play at your
house. This might help avoid problems with sharing altogether.
Sharing teaches children about compromise. They learn that if we give a
little to others, we can get some of what we want as well. Children who
share also learn how to take turns and negotiate, and how to cope with
disappointment.
When your child won’t share
If your child doesn’t share well, you can try practicing this skill together
at home. Another strategy is to stay nearby when your child plays with
others, encouraging him so he doesn’t forget to share.
You don’t need to avoid play dates if your child has trouble sharing.
Instead, use them as a chance to help her practice. When she does try to
share, say exactly what she did well and how proud you are.
It can help to create consequences when children don’t share. For
instance, if siblings are fighting over a toy and not sharing, a reasonable
consequence might be to remove the toy for a short period of time. You
can then give them another chance to show they can share it with no
problems.
Most young children find sharing and taking turns difficult sometimes. If
sharing doesn’t happen, make sure you have a good consequence ready,
and an opportunity for your child to try again later.
Sharing across the ages
Toddlers
Your toddler probably doesn’t have an understanding of what sharing is.
In general, toddlers believe they’re the centre of the world and
that everything belongs to them.
By age three, many children will start to understand the concept of turn-
taking. But they might still throw a tantrum if another child takes a toy
they want. When another child has something your toddler really wants,
your child will probably find it very hard to wait his turn. He might even
try to get the toy any way he can.
Preschoolers
By preschool age, most children have a basic idea about sharing. But
your preschooler still might not be keen to put sharing into action, and
can be impatient when waiting her turn.
You can build your preschooler’s sharing skills by watching for good turn-
taking and encouraging fairness. If there’s trouble, it can help to remind
your preschooler how bad he would feel if someone took his toy, or didn’t
let him have a turn. Talking to him about other people’s feelings will help
him understand life from someone else’s perspective, which is a great
skill to have.
It’s important to be realistic about a preschooler’s ability to share. At this
age, most children are still very self-focused, and have little
understanding of other people’s thoughts and emotions.
School-age children
By the time most children start school, they’re beginning to understand
that other people have feelings separate from their own. They
can understand the idea of sharing and taking turns. But most children
still need you to remind and support them, particularly if they’re being
asked to share a much-loved toy or game.
At this age, your child will be much more patient and tolerant than she
used to be. She’ll also be keen to do the right thing. She can form more
complex relationships, which really helps with the idea of sharing. She’ll
get lots of practice at school, too.
EXPRESSION OF FEELINGS
We want to protect our children from disappointments, frustrations, and
conflicts with other people. However, we can’t constantly keep them
under our protective wing. What we can do is help them understand and
cope with their feelings involving unpleasant experiences. By using
reflective listening, we encourage our children to express and share
feelings with us.
Reflective listening is briefly summarizing and restating to your child both
her feelings and the situation that seems to have caused those feelings.*
By sharing unpleasant feelings with you, your child will be less hurt or
burdened by them. She’ll also gain increased control over her emotions
and behavior, and will make better choices in meeting the challenges and
disappointments of daily living.
Communication with your child will improve, and you’ll have a closer
relationship.
How early should parents begin reflective listening? Three year- olds
aren’t too young to benefit if parents are brief and use simple words.
Boys need help in expressing feelings as much as girls. Boys and girls
who are in touch with their own feelings become better adjusted men
and women.
Use Basic Skills Of Reflective Listening
Use the communication skill of reflective listening to help your child learn
to express her feelings. Follow five guidelines when your child begins to
share her feelings with you:
1. Accept and respect all of your child’s feelings.
Do this by listening quietly and attentively and being non judgmental. Of
course you needn’t accept all of her actions or behaviors, just her
feelings. She can tell you how angry she is at her brother, but she isn’t
permitted to express her anger by teasing or hitting him.
2. Show her that you are listening to what she says.
Your close attention rewards her for expressing her ideas and feelings to
you. Stop what you are doing, turn toward her, maintain eye contact, and
listen carefully. Also, show her your attention by nodding your head and
by an occasional, “Um hum
. . . yes . . . Mmm . . .”
3. Tell your child what you hear her saying and what you think
she is feeling.
Occasionally summarize, restate, or rephrase the core of what she tells
you — both her feelings and the situation that seems to have caused her
feelings.* It’s not enough to only listen and understand. You must also
reflect back to her, with words, what she is saying, thinking, and feeling.
This is reflective listening — a skill which takes practice to develop.
Try not to repeat your daughter’s exact words. Use similar words that
capture the same meaning and feeling. Say to your disappointed three-
year-old, “You feel bad (the feeling) because you couldn’t go to the store
with Daddy this time (the situation).”
Your child may say things which you find terribly upsetting or
threatening. For example, she may say, “No one at school likes me!”
Brace yourself and don’t be swept away by a flood of concern or guilt as
you listen and reflect what she says. Be a helpful parent and encourage
her to express whatever she feels. She needs your help. By being an
effective sounding board and mirror for your child, you are helping her to
cope with her feelings and to make better choices for herself.
Children often exaggerate both their negative feelings and the distasteful
situation behind those feelings. Help your child understand and clarify her
feelings and her description of the situation by using reflective listening.
However, don’t tell her that she is exaggerating because this will make
her less willing to share other feelings with you.
4. Give her feelings a name. Labeling feelings is the first step to
understanding and managing them.
Look over the two lists of feelings, “Names for Pleasant Feelings” and
“Names for Unpleasant Feelings.” These two lists give labels for common
positive and negative feelings experienced by both children and adults. If
your child is young, be sure to use simple words when you help label her
feelings. After listening carefully to what she says and watching her facial
expressions make an “educated guess” and tentatively label her feelings.
For example, say to your nine-year-old, “You seem to be feeling
disappointed (a feeling) or perhaps a little resentful (another feeling)
because of the way your teacher treated you (the situation).” If you are
incorrect with your first guess, then try again. Be respectful, calm, and
maintain a slow pace in what you say. Encourage her to tell you if your
guess is wrong and to help you correct your guess.
5. Offer advice, suggestions, reassurance, or alternative ways of
looking at the situation, only AFTER you help your child to
examine how she feels.
Advice, suggestions, and reassurance, if given first, will hamper your
child’s effort to express and understand her feelings.
How do you begin learning the skill of reflective listening? The technique
for reflecting positive feelings is the same as for reflecting negative
feelings. Most parents find it easier and more pleasant to practice the skill
of reflective listening by beginning with their child’s pleasant, positive
feelings.
The next time your child tells you something and seems to have positive
feelings (such as feeling excited, relieved, eager, proud, or happy) reflect
these feelings. Also, reflect her description of the situation or event that
seems to have caused the feelings.
For example, say, “You seem to feel relieved (the feeling) because your
piano recital was cancelled (the situation).” Or say, “Getting invited to
Mike’s party (the situation) has sure made you feel excited and happy
(the feeling).” Practice the skill of reflective listening in order to learn it.
“I Feel Like I Don’t Have A Friend Anymore”
When my oldest son, Eric, was four, I found him crying by our swing set
in the back yard. Tears were streaming down through the dirt covering
his face. Sobbing, he said, “I hate Jeff! He threw dirt in my face!” I tried
to reflect his feelings by saying, “You’re mad at Jeff for throwing dirt, and
also he hurt your feelings.” He replied, “Yes, I feel like I don’t have a
friend anymore!” We walked to the house and I helped wash off the dirt.
More importantly, I helped him cope with an insult from a friend by
simply reflecting his feelings of anger and hurt. Later that afternoon, I
watched Eric and Jeff happily playing together.
***
Teaching kids about feelings is one of the six most important life skills
that your discipline should be teaching. Kids who know how to express
their feelings in socially appropriate ways are less likely to exhibit
behavior problems. When kids have the language to say, “I’m mad at
you,” they are less likely to throw a temper tantrum. Teach them how to
talk about their feelings and healthy ways to help them deal with their
feelings.
Create Opportunities to Talk About Feelings
Show kids how to use feeling words in their daily vocabulary. Model how
to express feelings by taking opportunities to share your feelings to your
child. For example, say, “I’m sad that you don’t want to share your toys
with your sister.”
Each day, ask your child, “How are you feeling today?” With young
children, use a simple chart with smiley faces if that helps them to pick a
feeling and then discuss that feeling together. Talk about what sorts of
things influence your child’s feelings.
Point out when you notice your child is likely feeling a particular feeling.
For example, say, “You look really happy that we are going to be eating
ice cream,” or “It looks like you are getting frustrated playing with those
blocks.”
Teach Kids How to Deal with Their Feelings
Teach kids appropriate ways to deal with uncomfortable emotions. Kids
need to learn that just because they feel angry doesn’t mean they can hit
someone. Instead, they need to learn anger management skills so they
can resolve conflict peacefully.
One way to deal with feelings is to talk about it. Encourage kids to use
their words to express how they feel. This can help them speak up to a
friend who has ripped a toy out of their hand and can prevent them from
lashing out and retaliating.
Teach kids how to take a self-time out. Encourage them to go to their
room or another quiet place when they are getting upset. This can help
them learn to calm down before they do something that gets them sent
to time out.
Teaching kids how to deal with sad feelings can be helpful as well. For
example, if your child feels sad that his friend won’t play with him, talk
about ways he can deal with his sad feelings. Often, kids don’t know what
to do when they feel sad so they become aggressive or exhibit attention-
seeking behaviors.
Reinforcing Positive Ways to Express Feelings
It’s important to reinforce a child’s positive behaviors with a positive
consequence when you catch him verbalizing his feelings. Praise efforts
by saying something such as, “I really like the way you used your words
when you told your sister you were mad at her.”
Another great way to reinforce healthy habits is to use a reward system.
For example, a token economy system could help a child practice using
his healthy coping strategies when he feels angry instead of becoming
aggressive.
Model Healthy Behaviors
Just like with any behaviors you are trying to teach kids, it is important to
model healthy ways to deal with feelings. If you tell your child to use his
words when he’s angry but he witnesses you throw your cell phone after
a dropped call, your words are likely to fall on deaf ears.
Point out times when you feel angry or frustrated and say it out loud. For
example, “Wow, I’m angry that car just pulled in front of me.” Then take
some deep breaths or model another healthy coping skill so your child
can learn to recognize skills you use when you feel angry.
In addition, your child may say that you misunderstood his feelings.
Later, however, you may discover that you correctly understood his
feelings after all.
If your child remarks on your reflective listening, simply “keep your cool”
and tell him that you are “concerned about his feelings and thoughts.”
Don’t let your child’s occasional negative reaction toward your reflective
listening skills keep you from using these skills.
Enhance Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence
What is emotional intelligence? Emotional intelligence is your child’s
ability to understand and manage emotions and behavior. As your child
grows older, help to develop the following five skills.
Five Emotional Intelligence Abilities
• Knowing and labeling her emotions
• Managing and soothing her emotions
• Recognizing emotions in others
• Managing relationships with others
• Motivating her to achieve her goals
Children who know their feelings are better able to manage them.
Children who know and manage their feelings are better able to
recognize the feelings of others and to manage relationships with others.
That’s why it’s important for you to practice your reflective listening skills
with your child. By helping her to know her feelings and emotions, you
will be helping her to increase her emotional intelligence.
Main Points To Remember:
• Helping your child to label her feelings is the first step to helping her to
understand and manage them.
• Reflective listening is summarizing and restating to your child, both his
feelings and the situation that seems to have caused those feelings.
• Use reflective listening to help your child label, understand, and cope
with his feelings.
• Practice helping your child by reflecting both his pleasant and
unpleasant feelings.
• Reflective listening helps children gain increased control over their
emotions and behavior.
• When you are upset, be a good role model for your child
CARING FOR OTHERS
In a world where violence and cruelty seem to be common and almost
acceptable, many parents wonder what they can do to help their children
to become kinder and gentler — to develop a sense of caring and
compassion for others. Raising kids who care isn't a solution to violence
by itself, but it's reasonable to worry that being exposed to a lot of
violence — whether it's on television or on the streets — could make your
children hard and uncaring.
Parents, of course, can't completely control all the things that affect their
children's lives. After all, children spend a lot of time out in the "real
world," which can often be harsh, uncaring or just plain unhappy. And
children have their own personalities and characteristics that parents
can't change or control. But there are some things that a parent can do
to encourage their children to become caring, fair and responsible.
People sometimes think that children don't really see the outside world —
or other people — the way adults do, that they only view the world from
their own eyes and in their own way. But is this true?
Researchers used to believe that a sense of real caring about others only
came as people grow into adulthood. But now studies are finding that
children can show signs of empathy and concern from a very early age.
They react with concern when they see unhappiness, wanting to help or
fix the problem.
And one study found that teenagers who were involved in helping others
felt very positive about their lives and had high hopes for their own
futures.
The most important thing you as a parent can do is to let your children
know how much it means to you that they behave with kindness and
responsibility. When you see your child doing something that you think is
thoughtless or cruel, you should let them know right away that you don't
want them doing that. Speak to your child firmly and honestly, and keep
your focus on the act, not on the child personally — something along the
lines of 'What you did is not very nice' rather than 'You are not very nice.'
This emotional reaction needs to be accompanied by information — some
explanation of why you disapprove — for example, "Look, Joey is crying.
He's crying because you took his toy away. That wasn't a very nice thing
to do!" or "It hurts the cat when you do that; that's why he scratched
you. It isn't kind, and I don't want you to do that anymore!" It's
important to let children know how deeply you feel about their behavior
toward others. If they see that you have a real emotional commitment to
something, it's more likely that the issue will become important to them,
too.
Be frank, honest and upfront with your kids about what kind of behavior
you do and don't like. Keep your comments short and to the point; the
idea is to teach them, not to make them feel guilty.
According to another study there are two kinds of parental role modeling
that help teach children to be caring: kindness to others and kindness to
the child.
In other words, our actions speak louder than words.
If you are consistently caring and compassionate, it's more likely that
your children will be, too. Children watch their parents, and other adults,
for clues on how to behave.
Keep in mind that if you say one thing and do another, your children will
pay a lot more attention to what you do. The old warning "Do as I say,
not as I do" simply does not work, particularly when it comes to teaching
about caring.
Try to surround your children with other people who are kind and caring,
so that they have several role models.
If you treat your children with respect for their dignity, concern, and
regard for their achievements, you help them understand that all living
creatures should be treated with dignity and concern.
Parents understandably worry that their effort at home could be
undermined by outside influences such as their children's friends, daily
violence in their own neighborhoods, television shows and movies, or a
culture that exalts "heroes" who are selfish.
Here are a few things that you can do to help counteract these
influences:

Give them books that promote compassionate behavior. Keep in mind,
though, that kids — especially teenagers — don't like characters that are
"goody-two-shoes," so look for books about ordinary characters who
perform acts of caring and concern.
A study at the National Institute of Mental Health found that children who
tend to imitate behavior they see on television. For this reason, you may
want to limit their viewing of violent programs and encourage them to
watch shows that promote ideas about caring and helping.
Find out about the movies your children want to see. Are they excessively
violent? Do they glamorize criminals or people who get ahead at the
expense of others? Do they glorify violence to people or animals? You
can't shield your children from everything, but a little discussion can go a
long way. Ask them to think about what they saw and to consider other
approaches the characters might have taken.
Educate your children about famous altruists. Local museums can provide
an inexpensive and enjoyable way to do this, as can television specials
and books. Talk to them and find out who they admire, and why.
Another thing you can do is try to find organized ways for your children
to get involved. Let them know about places in the community where
they can volunteer, and encourage them to join. Many volunteer
organizations and churches have special programs for young people and
even for children.
Some parents whose children are confronted with the harsher realities in
everyday life may wonder whether it's a good idea to let them see even
more suffering and distress. Other parents may worry that exposing kids
to a harder side of life than they've seen before could traumatize the
children.
These are understandable concerns, and according to some experts,
there are cases where children have become overly sensitive to the
suffering of others. This is particularly true of children who are already
emotionally fragile. Not all giving is healthy for the giver; if a child starts
placing the needs of others above his own, this could be a sign that
perhaps he or she is giving too much.
What most inspires a child to grow up caring about others is the caring
that the child receives. That nurturing is itself a perfect role model for
children. Experts point out that when children feel they have a secure
base at home, they're more likely to venture out and pay attention to
others. It's when they feel deprived of love and nurturing that they focus
too much on themselves and their own needs.
***
We all want to raise kids who care about others, who exhibit compassion
and empathy for others and work to help those in need. Not only is
compassion a desired trait for developing a quality character, our future
as a society is dependent on our ability as people to pull together an act
in the greater good (in other words, to exhibit compassion). Given the
significance of this issue, how can we foster compassion in our kids?
1. First and foremost, kids learn by observing the behaviors of
others. Choose wisely the people that your kids are allowed to interact
with: ensure that the people in your kids’ environment model
compassion, especially when choosing a babysitter. Further, ensure that
your own behaviors reflect compassion. When a stranger slips and falls at
the park, do you giggle or ask the stranger if he/she is ok? If a child is
alone and crying in an aisle of the grocery store, do you walk on by (after
all, it’s “not your problem”) or do you try to help the child by taking
him/her to customer service so that his/her parent(s) can be paged? If
you are wanting to watch a DVD, and your neighbor comes over to tell
you that her husband has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, do you
tell her that you’re busy or do you (without complaint) listen to her,
comfort her, and offer her assistance?
2. Ask your kids questions to help them understand what
someone else may be experiencing. For example, if you hear that a
person in a neighboring community has been abducted, you may ask,
“What do you think his/her family is feeling right now?” If your kids tell
you about a conflict between two of their classmates, ask them, “What do
you think made them do what they did?” Don’t cast judgment; just seek
to understand the flows of logic of both combatants.
3. Talk to your kids when inconsiderate or self-centered
behaviors are observed in themselves or others. Help your kids
understand what behaviors are compassionate and what are not. Help
them understand the difference and the long-term impact on the
individuals and the society for both compassionate and self-centered
behaviors. Again, don’t cast judgment: just seek understanding.
4. With your kids, read books and watch movies that reinforce
your message.
5. Choose heroes wisely. The people most worthy of adoration aren’t
those who will do anything to attain wealth and status . . . instead, they
are those who genuinely care for others.
6. Get your kids involved in selfless activities. Can they donate
some of the money from their piggy banks to a local fund-drive in
support of a terminally ill child? Can they help you sort donations for a
local non-profit organization? Can they help you serve Thanksgiving
meals at a local soup kitchen? Opportunities for selfless giving are
everywhere: your community should have a host of opportunities for you
and your kids to become involved in selfless activities.
7. Adopt a pet and have your kids be responsible for attending to
the pet. By teaching about the responsibilities and rewards of caring for
someone else, kids can learn that chores (feeding, cleaning, etc.) can
come with tremendous rewards (the love of Fido, Felix, etc.). (Side note:
you will want to supervise the pet’s care and provide guidance and
assistance as necessary.)
Teaching Kids to Be Caring
We want our kids to place a high value on helping other people, which is
what caring all is about. When we teach kids to care, not only do they
learn how to care about themselves, but they also learn how to care for
others and make the world a better place.
One way to teach children how to care is by having a pet or interacting
with a friend’s pet. For young children, learning to be gentle and caring
are important values. Older kids can learn how to play with a pet and
recognize the cues of “come closer” or “give me some space.”
Whenever your child notices that someone is upset and wants to help,
encourage him to act on that impulse. Afterward, talk about how proud
you are of your child for caring.
Find a meaningful way for your family to volunteer to help others. For
example, serve soup at a food shelf. Deliver a meal to an elderly
acquaintance who lives alone. Visit people in the hospital or a nursing
home. (Learn more in our Serving Others section.)
When you see news stories about natural disasters or tragedies, get your
family together and ask what you can do to help. Maybe you can
purchase water and deliver it to a drop-off collection center. Or you could
assist a local organization in a relief effort.
By expressing concern for others in various ways, you can set a positive
example for your child and let her or him know that caring for others is
important. Raising caring kids is something that requires a caring
lifestyle; start thinking about how you act today and see if you can make
any changes to be more caring.
SENSITIVITY
Parenting a Sensitive Child
He cries at the drop of a hat—or a toy, in this case. She crumbles if you
raise your voice at her, even slightly. He seems to have a bionic sense of
smell. Before you write your child off as a drama queen, consider the fact
that this behavior may be innate.
Research by Dr. Elaine Aron shows that a high degree of sensitivity is
often a physiological reality with which some children are born. Despite
what other parents may tell you, it’s not due to a deficiency in confidence
or social skills, and it’s certainly not something you as parents have, or
ever had, control over.
Sensitive children have different, or perhaps more exaggerated, reactions
to things. They don’t act the way you’d expect a typical child should in
many situations. Unfortunately, in our society, this is often seen as
weakness. But according to Jeremy G. Schneider, a MFT (marriage and
family therapist), it’s just the opposite. Says Schneider, “The reality is
that sensitive children have a gift. They are able to experience the world
at a higher level than average children.”
What earmarks a child as ‘highly sensitive’? Highly sensitive children may
exhibit one or all of the following traits. Schneider explains that the key is
to notice a pattern of behavior, as well as the degree to which a child
exhibits one or more of the following:
Is your child highly sensitive to his/her senses? An excellent sense of
smell or hearing? Very sensitive to pain?
Does your child get emotionally overwhelmed easily? Does she feel a
wide, yet intense range of emotions? Does she sometimes get so excited
she withdraws?
Does your child have a depth greater than his peers, or even adults?
Does he ask profound questions, think a lot on his own or reflect on his
experiences?
Is your child highly aware of her surroundings? Does she notice when
small household items are moved or minor changes in others, like a
haircut?
Is your child very sensitive to other people’s emotions? Does he notice
when someone is feeling sad and try to help him? Does he seem
especially sensitive to the feelings of animals?
Realizing your child is highly sensitive can be tough. Not tough to
understand, but tough to swallow. Don’t despair! It’s better that you
know early on, and take steps toward helping him deal with his world
going forward. Schneider offers these two tips to parents to help their
children maintain their sensitivity and confidence without making them
feel they are not like other kids:
Adjust your behavior, not your child’s. Don’t try to force her to adapt to
society’s demands. Love and accept your sensitive child unconditionally.
You cannot change who he is. He needs to know you love him no matter
how he perceives or reacts to the world.
Become partners. Work with your child to create ways to interact with the
world safely. For instance, she’ll likely have an easier time interacting
with classmates 1:1 than in larger groups, so set up individual play dates
so she gets comfortable with several classmates.
Focus on strengths. Sensitivity is practically a stigma in the U.S. and it’s
important not to “label” your child. Help him understand that he
experiences the world more deeply than most children, and help him see
the strengths associated with this. He may notice things most people
don't, have a better imagination, focus or concentrate better, be a gifted
student, or empathize and be sensitive to others.
Make small changes. If you need to make changes to your child’s
environment, make them little by little. She will feel less overwhelmed.
Nudge, don’t push. Most highly sensitive children get easily distressed
when they have to make a decision. They often reject opportunities out
of fear. Sometimes the best thing you can do is nudge your child to take
a risk or try something new. The same goes for punishment. He’ll
respond better to you gently correcting his behavior, rather than yelling
at him. If your highly sensitive child knows you will be there for him and
love him no matter what he is feeling, he’ll have less hesitation in new
situations, and will be less self-conscious or risk-averse. If he knows
you’re not going to push him to be something he’s not, you’ll both be a
lot more relaxed and prepared for the road ahead.
You can help your child deal with the world and all the unexpected noise
and upset it can throw out at us. Highly sensitive or not, all children need
that parental security blanket every now and then.
Sensitive children pose some challenges when it comes to discipline.
Sensitive kids tend to become emotionally overwhelmed easily. They are
likely to cry if you raise an eyebrow at their behavior and often worry
about getting into trouble.
Sometimes sensitive aren’t just emotionally sensitive, but they’re sensitive
when it comes to all their senses. Loud noises, bright lights or certain
textures can send them into a tailspin. They might fear large crowds and
struggle to deal with any type of change.
Sensitive kids might be viewed as shy. They are often hesitant to try new
things as they fear failure. They struggle to deal with frustration and
sometimes their peer interactions suffer if they are viewed as “the kid
who cries a lot” or “the kid who gets mad easily.”
When determining your discipline strategies, take your child’s sensitivity
into account. Yelling, harsh discipline or severe consequences are likely to
cause more problems. Instead, find ways to nurture and guide your child.
1. Accept Your Child’s Sensitivity
Don’t try to change your child’s temperament. Instead, try to help your
child learn how to cope with sensitivity in a less sensitive world. Instead
of viewing your child as “wimpy and whiny” try looking at your child’s
strengths and gifts.
2. Provide Plenty of Downtime
Sensitive kids are often exhausted after dealing with crowds of people,
bright lights and overstimulation. Most of them want time to relax and
take a break. Avoid over scheduling your child or expecting too much
participation in activities that involve crowds. Some parents find it helpful
to offer a child a “peace corner” with quiet activities such as coloring
books, headphones with soothing music or books to read. Creative outlets
can be very helpful.
3. Set Limits
Although it might be tempting to bend the rules so as to not upset a
sensitive child, it won’t be helpful in the long run. It’s okay to be flexible
with some things but remember that the important thing is to teach your
child how to be a responsible adult. Your discipline needs to teach your
child the six life skills that he’ll need to become a responsible adult, even
if he’s sensitive. If you’re too easy on your child, he won’t be prepared to
deal with the real world.
Setting limits with kids means setting a guideline for behavior, even when
there’s not an official household rule. Since you can’t set a rule about
everything, limits are those spur of the moment guidelines that are
situational. Although you might not have an official rule that says, “No
banging spoons on the table,” you might need to say to your child, “Stop
banging your spoon please,” if he’s interrupting conversation at the
dinner table.
Sometimes parents struggle to set limits with kids. Feelings of guilt or
wanting to avoid a temper can get in the way of discipline. However,
limits are good for kids. In addition to reinforcing the six life skills your
discipline should be teaching your child, setting limits is an important part
of parenting.
1. Setting Limits Teaches Kids Self-Discipline
Setting limits is a great way to teach self-discipline skills. When you say,
“Turn off your video games and do your homework please,” you
are teaching self-discipline. Showing your child that life isn’t always about
having fun shows teaches him to be responsible.
The eventual goal is for him to learn to do his homework, chores and
other healthy behaviors without reminders. Establishing consistent limits
and rules helps kids learn how to begin being more self-disciplined on
their own.
2. Setting Limits Keeps Kids Safe
Limits help kids learn about safety. Although it might be safe for your
child to play outside, he might need limits about what he’s allowed to do
or where he’s allowed to go when he’s playing outside alone. Limits are
also needed to keep kids safe when they are using the internet and when
they begin doing activities independently.
Limits should be change over time as your child matures. Give your child
opportunities to show you that he can be responsible with the limits
you’ve given him. If he’s able to handle the limits you’ve set, he can show
that he’s ready to handle more responsibility. Creating behavior
management contracts can be a great way for a child to show you when
he’s ready to have less limits.
3. Setting Limits Keeps Kids Healthy
By nature, most kids are impulsive and enjoy immediate gratification.
Therefore, they need adults to teach them how to be healthy. Limits
should be set with a child’s eating habits. Without limits, many kids would
eat junk food all day. Setting limits means saying, “No, you can’t have a
third cookie,” or “You need to eat a healthy choice first.”
Limits should also be set in regards to electronics. Many kids would be
content watching TV or playing on the computer all day long. Set limits
with screen time and encourage a healthy, well-rounded lifestyle. Setting
limits with exercise and hygiene also keeps kids healthy.
4. Setting Limits Teaches Kids to Cope with Uncomfortable
Feelings
Sometimes parents hate to set limits because they don’t want to make
their child sad or mad. Unfortunately, dealing with uncomfortable feelings
is a part of life. Preventing your child from experiencing normal emotions
can be harmful to kids in the long run.
Just because your child is sad that he can’t eat that third cookie doesn’t
mean you should give in. Instead, it gives you a great opportunity
to teach your child about feelings and help him find healthy ways to cope
with it. This is a great skill that will help ensure your child has the skills
necessary to become a responsible adult.
5. Setting Limits Shows Kids that You Care
Although I don’t know too many kids who will say they enjoy rules,
setting limits shows kids that you care. When kids don’t have any rules, it
causes a lot of anxiety for them. Despite the fact that they often might
act as if they want to be the boss, kids don’t really want to be in charge.
Instead, they want to know that you’re in charge and that you’re
competent to help them stay under control.
Often, kids will test limits just to see how adults will react. A child who
hits his brother just to make sure an adult is going to intervene will feel
safe when he learns that his behavior results in consequences. Showing a
child that there are negative consequences for breaking the rules, shows
that you are going to let things get out of control.
It also teaches a child that you love him. Saying to a teen, “I care about
you and that’s why I am giving you a curfew,” might seem to annoy your
child. However, it shows that you are willing to work invest energy into
your child’s life even if it means having to tolerate being told you’re “the
meanest parent ever.”
4. Praise Your Child’s Efforts
Offer lots of praise and encouragement. Try praising your child’s efforts
rather than only praising success. For example, say, “I like the way you
are trying really hard even though this is frustrating,” rather than saying,
“Wow you did it perfectly.” Make it clear that hard work and effort is
worthy of praise, even if it doesn’t turn out perfect in the end.
Provide praise for behaving bravely and handling frustration
appropriately. Also, provide praise when your child tells the truth.
Sometimes children who are sensitive lie to get out of trouble so provide
them with a lot of praise for being honest, especially if their honesty
doesn’t paint them favorably
Praise is a simple yet effective discipline strategy that increases positive
behaviors in kids. By paying attention to positive behaviors and showing
kids that you notice when they are behaving, praise can motivate kids to
improve their behaviors and continue to be compliant.
When creating a behavior management plan to discipline your child,
praise is an excellent positive consequence that can improve behaviors.
Praise works well when it is combined with other discipline techniques
such as time out, ignoring, and reward systems.

Kids love to get attention from adults. However, good behaviors often go
unnoticed. This can lead to kids misbehaving as an attempt to gain
attention. And often, this is an effective way for them to get the results
they are looking for. Give kids attention and they will strive to improve
their behaviors.
Imagine standing in a room with three children. Two of the children are
playing quietly with toys. One child is constantly poking the others,
running around wildly, jumping on furniture and screeching. Which kid
would be getting the most of your attention? If you are like most people,
you would say the kid who is misbehaving.
Praise can help reverse the process and give kids the attention they are
seeking for their positive behaviors. So instead of giving the misbehaving
child the attention, kids are given praise when they are behaving So
instead of telling the misbehaving child to stop acting out, the quiet
children get told how well they are doing.
Praise can help with a variety of behaviors. Almost any behavior you want
to see more of can respond well to praise. It just requires that you “catch
your child being good.”
Praise can be effective in helping kids do things such as play
independently, wait patiently, follow directions, get along with others,
and other positive behaviors. It just requires that you make it known that
you have taken notice of their good behaviors.
It can be particularly effective when you have more than one child.
Instead of giving the misbehaving child attention, turn to the child who is
following the rules and say something such as “Susie, I just love the way
you are sitting there and eating your dinner so quietly.” It can motivate
the other children to follow suite in order to gain your attention.
Praise can also help children learn new skills and address problematic
behaviors. For example, if you have a child who gets angry easily, it can
be helpful to praise his efforts when he is trying something difficult. Say
to him, “Bobby, I like the way that you keep rebuilding the tower so
patiently after it falls.” This can help encourage more patience.
Make Praise Effective
In order for praise to be the most effective, it should be given as
immediately as possible. It should also be given out frequently. If you
have a child who is playing quietly it can be helpful to praise him every
couple of minutes initially to reinforce this positive behavior.
Praise should also be specific. Make it clear to your child the reason
you are praising. For example, instead of saying “Good job,” say
something such as “Great job putting your plate in the sink right when I
asked you to.” This makes it clear that you are praising his immediate
compliance.
Frame your praise positively. Instead of saying, “Nice job not whining,”
say, “I’m proud of you for handling that so well when I said that you
couldn’t go outside.” Point out the behaviors you want to see more of,
not the behaviors you hope to diminish.
Common Concerns About Praise
Sometimes parents raise concerns that praise will lead to their kids
feeling entitled or becoming spoiled. It’s important that you offer genuine
praise and that you use it as a teaching tool in order for it to be effective.
If you are constantly telling your kids things such as “You’re the best
soccer player out there,” or “You’re the smartest kid ever,” it isn’t likely to
be helpful. However, if you praise your child genuinely it won’t spoil them
but will instead motivate them to keep doing well.
Another common concern about praise is that it will have the opposite
outcome. Parents sometimes say, “Why would I want to interrupt my
child’s quiet play to point out that he is doing well? Won’t this just make
him stop?” The answer is no, praising your child often will encourage him
to continue doing more of the same. If he isn’t used to receiving praise,
initially it may interrupt what he is doing but this will likely resolve fairly
quickly.
RESPECT TOWARDS OTHERS
Teaching Respect
Everyone wants and needs respect… even our children. Oftentimes
parents complain that their child just doesn’t show respect. The reason
may be that we are trying to teach it instead of being a living example.
Research proves that children learn 95% by watching the behaviors of
others and only 5% of what is actually taught by instruction. So what is
the best way to ‘teach’ your child respect? Simply by modeling a
respectful life for them to imitate.
Respect yourself - Before you can teach your child to respect anyone,
you must first demonstrate how to respect yourself. Take care of your
body. Don’t abuse it with the over consumption of alcohol or drugs. Eat
right, get plenty of rest, and exercise regularly. Take pride in your
appearance and dress respectfully.
Wearing skimpy clothing or clothing with negative or vulgar words does
not demonstrate respect. Don’t allow anyone to take advantage or abuse
you in any way-physically or emotionally. And don’t forget to teach your
child the same principles. He must learn to respect himself first also!
Respect your child - Some people believe that because children are
smaller than we are and have less experience, they don’t have the same
feelings or rights. But they do. The same things that would embarrass or
humiliate us, hurts our children also. When we scream, threaten shame,
criticize, and hit our children they shut down. They will only record and
model what they experience. Remember, how we treat our children is
how they will also treat others.
The Golden Rule - Start early and teach your child to treat others as
they wish to be treated. Toddlers are incapable of putting themselves in
someone else’s place but you can begin by teaching them how to care for
their books and toys. Sharing is also another way to teach respect. Talk
frequently with older children about feelings, differences of opinion, and
tolerance.
Modeling - Let your children see you behaving kindly towards others.
Expect that they too perform acts of kindness such as donating used toys
to a shelter. Be extra careful about how you speak in front of your
children. Avoid harsh, judgmental, and critical language. Quickly move to
correct your children if they call names, make fun, or insult someone-
even their sibling! Showing concern by asking how their day is going, or
offering a compliment is a great way to demonstrate kindness and
respect.
Defensive modeling - The flip side of exposing your child to
appropriate behavior is to protect them from inappropriate behavior.
Although we cannot safeguard our children from every negative
influence, we can make it a priority to monitor disrespectful television,
radio, and video games.
Praise - When you observe your children behaving in a respectful
manner, be sure to acknowledge and praise them. This teaches that we
value these behaviors. Besides, being respectful of others will also make
us feel good about ourselves.
R. E. S. P. E. C. T.: Four Tips For Teaching Your Child Respect
One of the most important things you can teach your child is respect.
Teaching a child to be respectful is not as difficult as it may seem. The
best way to teach respect is to show respect. But first, we must
understand what it means to show respect.
Respect is an attitude. It is a response to others that may be verbal and
non-verbal. Respect is the attitude of admiration or esteem - to hold in
esteem or consider well-regarded - towards others, oneself and one's
possessions. A respectful child takes care of belongings and
responsibilities, and a respectful child gets along with peers, parents and
figures of authority.
Respect, unlike mathematics or grammar, is an abstract concept. There is
no step-by-step model to apply to teach a child respect. Just as the best
way to teach a child how to love is to show love, the best way to teach
respect is to show respect. Children model the behavior of the adults in
their lives. Keep in mind the saying "Do unto others as you would have
them do unto you."
When a child experiences respect, they know what it feels like and begin
to understand how important it is. Start early - start to teach your
children as soon as they may begin to understand what you say to them.
It is always much more difficult to show and teach respect to a teenager
who has not really been held accountable.
While your child is learning respectful behavior patterns, it is essential to
modify inappropriate behavior. If your child does something that is not
respectful, take time to point out, in quiet and non-threatening ways, that
their behaviors towards others or you are not respectful. Always begin
that dialogue in a safe manner for them and build upon their strengths.
Be sure to offer them alternate ways in which the situation may have
been better handled.
Let's take a peak:
Four-year old Chloe is on school field trip to the aquarium. Her mother is
one of the parent chaperones for the trip. The field trip has Chloe's
mother feeling a bit uneasy due to Chloe's outbursts in most situations.
Mom fears that Chloe will have a tantrum in front of her teachers and
demonstrate how little control she has over Chloe. The trip proceeds
smoothly until Chloe discovers the gift shop. She eyes up a huge blue
dolphin that she states will need to come to sleep with her tonight.
Chloe's mother proceeds to explain to Chloe that the dolphin is quite
expensive and she will need to pick out something less expensive.
At that point Chloe begins to call her mother names such as stupid, and
dumb. Chloe's mother is often uncomfortable to confront her daughter
when she is showing disrespect towards others. Not knowing what to do,
and being caught between embarrassment in front of teachers and her
feelings toward her daughter, she takes Chloe by the hand and leads her
to the lobby.
The response to Chloe's behavior is crucial in successfully modifying
inappropriate behavior. The scene can be played out in one of two ways:
Accepting inappropriate behavior: If mom is not aware of the ways to
deal with disrespectful behavior, Chloe will most likely be spoken to in a
harsh manner: threatening her future freedom ("If you don't stop right
now, you will never go on another field trip again) or bargaining in an
attempt to stop the incident ("If you stop calling me stupid, I'll buy you
the dolphin"). Neither response will teach Chloe the respect that she will
need as she encounters similar situations in her life. If the parent
responds in a manner that shows the child that their behavior is
acceptable, the child will not modify their behavior and will continue to
act inappropriately.
Modifying inappropriate behavior: If mom is comfortable confronting her
daughter and has handled these types of behaviors in the past with
Chloe, she will quietly lead Chloe out to the lobby and sit her down in a
safe space. She will review the trip and tell her what behaviors Chloe
demonstrated today that were exemplary and then discuss the behaviors
that were less then acceptable.
Chloe's mother will then discuss ways in which Chloe could handle her
feelings in a more positive manner. The discussion ends with a gentle
reminder that respect must be a part of how they treat each other and
that Chloe will have the opportunity to have a new toy or treat upon her
next positive behavioral display. No threats, no bargains. just an honest
discussion about how the child behaved appropriately and which actions
were not appropriate. Respect requires:
1) Early Introduction: Introduce the concept of respect early (as soon as
the child is able to understand when being spoken to) by identifying
positive and negative behavioral patterns.
2) Model: Show your children how to respect by interacting respectfully
with your spouse and with others.
3) Awareness: Talk with your child at those times when they demonstrate
behavior that is less then respectful. Showing them in the moment is
most beneficial.
4) Build On Strengths: In discussions with your child, begin by building on
the strengths that they have shown, the positive behaviors in which they
have engaged, and how to improve the undesired behaviors.
Children will take their cues from you. Simply put, if children are around
respectful adults, they’re more likely to show respect, however, when
they’re around disrespectful adults, they’re more likely to
show disrespectful behavior. Yelling, cursing, grabbing, shouting over,
and sarcasm are transferable! “Young ones will eventually express
themselves as you do, but realize it takes years of effective teaching to
refine those skills” Family Fun Magazine writer, Faull, wrote. This is
accurate when on both the positive side and the negative side. When you
speak with respect to your children, they learn respect. When you speak
with disrespect, they learn that just as well.
10 Parenting Tips for Teaching Respect and Curbing Disrespect:
(1) Model it: If you want them to do it, you have to do it too.
(2) Expect it: When your expectations are reasonably high, children rise
to the occasion.
(3) Teach it: Give children the tools they need to show you
respect. Your Powerful Words Family School, can assist you with
the lessons.
(4) Praise it: When you see or hear your children using respectful
language and making respectful choices, recognize it and praise them for
making positive, respectful decisions.
(5) Discuss it: Pick out times when you see other children using respectful
or disrespectful language or behavior and discuss with it your children.
(6) Correct it: Be strong, firm and direct when teaching respect. At the
same time, be sure you are being respectful yourself while correcting the
behavior.
(7) Acknowledge it: Don’t just let things slide! Be sure to notice when
respectful behavior is being exhibited and make sure to call them on
disrespectful behavior!
(8) Understand it: Your children are growing and learning. Sometimes
word choice and behavioral decisions are made because they do not have
the correct words or behavior to relay “I’m tired,” “I’m frustrated,” or “I’m
angry.”
(9) Reinforce it: Remind children of their good decisions so that they
remember how it felt, the praise they received, and the overall
experience of being respectful.
(10) Reward it: Respectful behavior should be something that children
want to do without overindulgent rewards. However, it is good to
associate respectful behavior with intangible rewards such as praise,
recognition, extra responsibility, and privileges.
Teaching respect takes patience, time, and a willingness to do as you
preach. Time isn’t everything though, is it? It takes years to rear a
respectful child and only moments to fill one with anger and disrespect.
ETIQUETTE
Manners and Etiquette for Children
Manners and etiquette for children is ranked as the most important
quality to nurture in the family home.
Instilling good manners in some teens will feel like an almost impossible
task. But don't despair, just keep at it.
You will be surprised how much of your pushing and nagging about being
well mannered stays with them.
Good Manners are essential for every child's self confidence
and success in life.
Manners and etiquette for children in the Family Home
In the family home - this is where it starts, where the 'manners seed' is
planted and nurtured.
This is where your children learn not only good manners, but also core
values and ethics.
This is the haven where your children learn to be considerate, tolerant
and respectful.
They learn to share and to respect the space of all other family members.
This is the place where your children put into practice the foundation of
all the social etiquette they will need to carry them through life.
There are several different styles of parenting, none are perfect! Believe
us there is no such thing as a perfect parent. What is important though is
that you do have a style or "method of parenting."
Geoff Dodd of Psychology Power asks:
"Do you have a specific style or method of parenting?"
"What parent child relationship experiences are you having?"
"Enlightened parenting styles are renewable! Take some time and re-
think now."
Let's start with respect. Respecting a person's privacy is very important.
In the family home this is one of the most important rules. Parents,
teenagers and even the little ones - all deserve a degree of privacy. All
deserve utmost respect.
Most of these 'good manners and etiquette for children' pointers below
apply to both parents and children - remember you have to 'practice what
you preach'.
1. If the door is closed, it is respectful and good manners to knock and
wait for permission to enter
2. If you want to borrow something, don't just help yourself,
always ask permission and make sure you return whatever it is you
borrow. Make sure you return it in the same or better condition
3. Never go looking through another person's private possessions without
their permission, that is extremely bad mannered
4. I know it is very tempting to read your sister's diary and love letters,
but restrain yourself, that is very private and you wouldn't like someone
to do that to you
5. Your family's affairs are private and should be kept that way. If mum
and dad have an argument or the business is not doing well, or your
brother is not doing well at school, it has nothing to do with outsiders
However, if a family member is being abused in any way, that is different
and someone in a position of authority should be told.
6. Another rule in the book of manners and etiquette for children is you
should not expect anyone to clean up after you. Leave the bathroom,
toilet, kitchen and TV room clean and tidy, don't leave your dirty dishes
around the house.
Your wet towels or dirty dishes are your responsibility. If you share a
bedroom, then share the responsibility of keeping it clean and tidy
7. We'll repeat, practicing the art of good manners and etiquette starts in
the home, let your parental guidance follow through to school and the
sports field.
For example, if the children are playing a board game at home, the loser
needs to learn to accept that in good grace.
If on a sports field, they need to know it is good etiquette to thank the
opposing team, shake hands and say, "Well done!"
8. Kids Telephone Etiquette - do NOT underestimate what a strong
favorable impression your kid's good telephone manners can have on
people phoning your home.
9. Good Table Manners and Etiquette for Children should be a way of life.
10. Parents, at all times be aware of your own behavior, highlight acts of
good manners and etiquette and of course good social behavior.
If you send a thank you note to someone, mention it in front of the
children, say something like, 'I'm just sending a thank you note to Aunt
Maggie, she was so helpful running you children to school last week when
I couldn't manage' - that way, showing appreciation is just a normal way
to behave and not a lesson in manners and etiquette for children.
11. If you are sending flowers in the event of the death in the family, it is
a good time to explain Funeral to the children.
These 'silent' lessons in manners and etiquette for children have more of
a lasting impact when they are seen and experienced. So always strike
while the iron is hot, so to speak.
12. Try really hard not to embarrass anyone, what may seem humorous
and teasing is often very embarrassing, just think how you would feel
under the circumstances.
So don't use embarrassment as a lesson in manners and etiquette for
children, just put yourself in their position
Teaching Your Children Basic Manners
Good manners should be taught at a very early age because once bad
habits form, they’re difficult to change. Parents need to realize that from
the moment their children are born, they serve as role models. If the
parents are rude, the children will be too. The most effective way to
teach good is to state the rules and then show how to apply these rules
in everyday life. You can even make etiquette fun with Etiquette Games
for the Family.
Start With the Basics
Start out with a very basic set of rules for your children to follow from a
very early age and start at home. You don’t want to overwhelm your little
ones or stifle their development by introducing concepts they’re not ready
for too early. You can always add etiquette rules as they are needed.
Example of basic rules:
Don’t interrupt.
Keep your elbows off the table.
Don’t chew with your mouth open.
Say “please” and “thank you.”
Use an “inside” voice when indoors.
Gradually Add Rules as the Child Is Ready
As soon as you feel your child is ready for the next level of etiquette
rules, let him know that you are proud of how well mannered he is, and
you want to teach him something new. He will see this as a positive
thing, and he is more likely to embrace good manners. Although some
customs change, good manners never go out of style.
List of etiquette rules to add to the basics:
Teach the basics of table settings and how to act at the dinner table.
When eating at someone else’s home, avoid hurting the host’s feelings
Answer the phone politely.
Follow proper cell phone etiquette and never interrupt a “live” person
with a cell phone call.
Send thank you notes.
If an invitation has RSVP, always respond by the deadline.
Never gossip about anyone. emphasize good manners. After you tell them what not to do, give them
Hold doors for anyone who has his or her hands full or needs extra help. an alternative to the bad behavior.
Be nice to everyone.
Examples of bad manners:
Finding a Lost Item
Spitting
The old saying, “Finders keepers, losers weepers,” is wrong on more than Coughing or sneezing in someone’s face
one level. First of all, finding something does not make it yours. Also, the Intentionally burping or passing gas
person who lost the item shouldn’t weep when she sees that it has been Throwing things in anger
found. Instead, she should smile as she thanks you for returning it. Teach Calling someone a bad name
your child to look for the rightful owner of anything she finds because Pushing or shoving
keeping it without making any attempts to find the person is simply Inappropriately touching others
wrong. Grabbing something from someone else
Begging or whining
Respect Elders and People in Authority
Good manners are essential in any civilization. The etiquette your children
Unless the older person or person in authority is asking your child to do learn at an early age will carry over into adulthood and help make them
something he knows is wrong, respect is essential in establishing a good more successful in friendships, family life, and careers. All the hard work
relationship. This is another area where you can set the example to show and effort you put into teaching your children basic manners will bring
your child how an outward show of respect looks. Calling the person by the reward of knowing your child is equipped to handle himself in a
his or her sir name, such as Mr., Mrs., Ms., Miss, or Dr. is a good start. civilized world. Expect a few etiquette mistakes every now and then. Help
Listen to what the person in authority is saying and never interrupt. your child correct them and move on.
When you see or hear your child living up to your expectations, offer
praise without being effusive. DECISION MAKING

Break Bad Manners Parenting: Decision Making

Establishing good manners in your children can be challenging with all
the outside influence they’ll encounter in their everyday lives. However, it
is possible, but it requires quite a bit of diligence and repetition of the
rules. You can even use what the children see as examples of how not to
behave. If she sees someone acting out at a birthday party or a cartoon
on TV where a character misbehaves, ask what the person should have
done instead.
Most of the time, positive statements are more effective than negative
ones. However, there are times when you have to use the word “no” to
Decision making is one of the most important skills your children need to
develop to become healthy and mature adults. Decision making is crucial
because the decisions your children make dictate the path that their lives
take. Teaching your children to make their own decisions has several
benefits. When they make a good decision, they can gain the greatest
amount of satisfaction and fulfillment because they chose it. When your
children make bad decisions, they may suffer for it, but they can learn
from the experience and make better decisions in the future.
Popular culture wants to take your children's decisions out of their hands-
and yours-and make your children's decisions for them. Popular culture
short-circuits your children's decision making by pushing their "hot
buttons" related to peer acceptance, physical attractiveness, and
stimulation. When these hot buttons are pushed, children who are poor
decision makers are ready prey to the inevitable bad decisions when they
listen to popular culture.
Making Bad Decisions
Whenever I speak to a group of young people, I ask how many of them
have ever done anything stupid in their lives. With complete unanimity
and considerable enthusiasm, they all raise their hands. When I then ask
how many of them will ever do anything stupid in the future, the
response is equally fervent. I also ask children why they do stupid things.
Their responses include:
 I didn't stop to think.
 It seemed like fun at the time.
 I was bored.
 Peer pressure.
 I didn't consider the consequences.
 To get back at my parents.
The fact is it's part of your children's "job" to do stupid things. Bad
decision making is an essential part of their road to maturity. A problem
arises, however, if their poor decision making continues. This usually
occurs when parents don't hold them responsible for their poor decisions,
instead, bailing them out of the trouble their children get into. These
children learn that they aren't responsible for their decisions and can
continue to do stupid things without fear of consequences.
Raise Good Decision Makers
Encouraging your children to make their own decisions isn't as simple as
saying, "You make the decision. You're on your own." Instead, ceding
decision making to your children is an incremental process based on their
age and maturity. It would be downright dangerous to give children
complete latitude in their decision making. But you can begin to
teach decision-making skills in small doses even with very young children.
For example, you wouldn't tell your children they can have any treat they
want in a convenience store. They would be overwhelmed with the
choices and paralyzed with indecision, or they would want everything in
the store. What you would do is give them a choice among jawbreakers,
licorice, and bubble gum (or, better yet, sesame sticks, fruit wraps, and
yogurt peanuts) and they would then decide which treat they want.
As your children get older, you can expand the number of choices you
give them. You can also increase the importance of the decisions they
make, for example, what activities they participate in or when they
choose to go to bed. With each decision, you want them to recognize
whether their decisions were good or bad and that they're responsible for
the consequences of their decisions. By making this connection, they can
see that their decisions are their own. Of course, you should retain veto
power when needed, but it should be used judiciously.
The Process of Good Decision Making
A part of helping your children gain experience with making decisions
involves educating them about the decision-making process. Good
decision making is complex and takes years of experience to master (no
one ever really perfects it; even adults do stupid things occasionally).
Because children lack experience and perspective, they tend to make
decisions that are impulsive and focused on immediate gratification. The
first step is simply to teach them to stop before they leap. With just a few
seconds of hesitation, your children can prevent a lot of bad decisions. Of
course, getting children to stop before jumping would require them to
think, which is usually not part of their repertoire. You can help your
children by "catching them in the act," meaning when you see them
about to jump without thinking, stop them. Also, because you can't
always be looking over their shoulder, you can use times when they do
leap without thinking (and things don't turn out so well) to ask them how
they could have made a different choice in hindsight.
You can then teach your children to ask themselves several key
questions. First, "Why do I want to do this?" You want your children to
understand what motivates their decisions. The children I speak to
usually know why they make decisions, at least after the deed is done,
and they almost always know what the right (and wrong) decision is. One
problem is that children are often faced with conflicting motivations. They
may know that doing something is stupid, but they may feel peer
pressure to do it anyway. Only a well-learned sense of what's right and
wrong and clear consequences can prevent your children from going to
the "dark side" of decision making too often.
The next question is: "What are my options?" Children often have several
possible choices when confronted with a decision. For example, when
faced with the possibility of stealing candy from a store with friends,
children could a) take the candy, b) not take the candy but ignore the
fact that their friends are stealing, or c) try to convince their friends that
stealing is wrong. Knowing their options can help your children see clearly
what their decisions might be and also will make it easier for them to
connect their decisions with what is right.
Then your children need to ask, "What are the consequences of my
actions?" (or in their language, "How much trouble will I get in?"). They
need to judge the risks and rewards of their decisions in the short run
and the long term. The challenge here is that children often
underestimate the costs and overestimate the benefits of their decisions.
If you set high expectations and enforce tough consequences with them,
they may think twice before acting foolishly.
Lastly, perhaps the most important question children need to ask
themselves is: "Is this decision in my best interests?" Understanding what
is best in both the short and long term, having these concerns outweigh
competing interests from popular culture and peer pressure, and making
a decision based on their best interests is the culmination of the decision
making process.
Coach Good Decision Making
You can help your children learn good decision making by coaching them
through decisions. This guidance allows them to see how a decision is
thought through and arrived at. During these discussions, you can help
your children identify key contributors to the decision and take thoughtful
steps to the decision. After the decision, you can help them judge how
good the decision was and, if the decision turned out to be a poor one,
why it was a bad decision and what they can learn from it. You can also
present your children with hypothetical moral dilemmas, such as what to
do when friends are teasing another child, that they are likely to face and
engage them in a conversation about how they would make a decision.
Of course, children won't always make such deliberate decisions,
particularly when they're young, but if you coach them and give them
experience with good decision making, they'll use it more as they gain
maturity.
Finally, part of your children learning to make good decisions is allowing
them to make poor ones. If handled properly, bad decisions can play a
powerful role in your children becoming good decision makers. Yes, they
should be held accountable for their decisions by providing them with
consequences that are commensurate with their offenses. But children
must also be required to explore their decisions, understand why they
made a poor decision, and ensure that they "get it" so that they don't
make the same bad decision again.
Helping Your Children Make Good Decisions
Daniel was a high-strung kid; of that there was no doubt. In his early
middle school years, he had a mind of his own and thought he was ready
to be free from all parental involvement. He had reached the stage where
he was sure that his dad was just not as smart as he was.
One morning, Daniel's dad was getting the kids off to school while his
mom was out of town. Something Daniel's dad did wasn't exactly the way
his mom would have done it, and Daniel kind of freaked out. He ran out
the back door and climbed high up in the tree in the back yard to a very
high branch - certainly higher than his father could climb and he refused
to go to school. No amount of coaxing or bribing on the part of his dad
could convince him otherwise. Dad had little choice but to get the other
kids to school while Daniel pondered his actions high up in the tree.
Later, after he calmed down and regained his temper, he carefully
climbed down the tree and went to school.
But his father knew that there had to be consequences for the
inappropriate behavior. So Daniel got a tardy mark at school and had to
stay for detention. When he returned home, Daniel's dad gave him an
assignment to write a report on how he should act when things don't go
the way he expects. And then Daniel and his dad had a long talk about
making decisions.
If you were Daniel's father, what would you tell him about making good
decisions? How would you suggest that he think about his choices and
make the best decision?
In some ways, these are the most important questions any father can ask
himself. A big responsibility of a father is to teach good decision making
skills to his children. Helping children learn to think about and make good Thinking through the consequences of each choice will help
decisions is one of the most critical gifts a father can give. children learn to narrow the range of acceptable choices.
 Make a decision. When there are different choices, your child
Teach by example.
must pick one and implement it. Stalling out a decision without a
Model your own best decision making skills where you children can watch good reason is just indecisiveness.
and learn. For example, if you are in the mall and want something but
 Evaluate and learn from the decision. Once a decision is
don't buy it, visit with them about your decision and why you chose not
to buy. "I would love these golf clubs, but I know we need to pay for made, find out what you can learn. If the decision was the best
Sandy's braces right now. Maybe I can think about getting them after her one, look at how the decision was made and help that become a
braces are off."
pattern. If it was the wrong decision, look at the process and see
Start them off with a few options. When you are giving your children
what the children missed.
a choice, only give them a couple of options. "For dinner tomorrow night,
Don't solve their problems. Too often, fathers want to be in
would you rather have spaghetti or tacos?" Having some successful
the "fix it" mode and try to solve problems for their children.
decisions where the choices are limited will help children develop
Rather than making a decision for your children, help them make
confidence in their decision making skills.
it themselves. And then don't bail them out when things go wrong
Teach children a decision-making formula. Most successful
if they do.
decisions come after following a basic formula. There are many, but most
Be there before they decide. When the children are younger,
follow a pattern like this:
be around them enough that you can help them think things
through before they make a decision. Talking your children
 Define the problem. What is the decision you need to make?
through the process before is a lot easier than helping them repair
What is the problem it solves?
a mistake later.
 Explore the choices. To solve the problem, what options do I
have? Are all the choices possible? Are they safe or risky? Ask lots Taking the time to walk your children through the process of
of "what if" questions like, "What if I fail at this choice?" making a decision will help them learn the best way to decide.
Remember, they will learn more from a little trial and error than
 Understand the consequences. Each choice has pluses and they will if you make every decision for them. Having strong

minuses. Some choices cost more than others or take more problem solving and decision making skills will help your children

resources. Some choices have immediate benefits; for others, learn what they need to be strong decision makers in their adult
life.
the benefits are delayed. Some choices made will preclude others.