Lauren, your paper is really good.

I love your introduction and it got me really interested into

reading your research paper. I like how you broke down the amount of hours we have in a day

and how much time we waste of our day by being on some sort of electronic device. You also

address how the average american is literally anyone around you and the people that are closest

to you. My only suggestion on your intro part of the paper is, I would address the 8 hours of

sleep you’re supposed to get a night too to make it more dramatic in some way, because that’s 18

hours out of a 24 hour day that is already being taken up. I would also give more in depth

background information on your topic to help your readers out and to add more length to your

paper. Giving the background information on the amount of time that different age groups spend

on their electronics adds more credibility to your paper and helps the readers have a little

knowledge on the topic. It gives background knowledge for the un-knowledgeable about the role

electronics have in our life. Your paper sounds like it will be good with the topics your going to

address in your body. I seriously love this topic of paper. It is a concerning topic that is not

talked about loudly enough, yes we hear that we need to get off our phones but it goes through

one ear and out the other. While typing your body I would use quotes from the people you got

information from to make your paper more credible. It will show that you took time into looking

at many different thoughts on this topic and you used other credible resources. I would also

suggest to include the opposite view on this topic. Some may say “well these kids/parents should

know self control or know different techniques like: only allow an hour a day or keep it

limited” and explain how you can understand this view “but…”. It’s always good to have both

views included to avoid too much bias on a topic. I like how you included how this could be

relatable to us in your conclusion, because who wants to read a paper that doesn't concern them?

nobody. But you telling us why this topic should matter to us is great and tells us reasons we
should care, not just for us but for people we know too. Overall, I think this paper is going to be

really good, keep it up!