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Dinner Table

Heroes of the HackLeague

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GMW1 K&C102

a b le Game Master’s Workshop

va il volume one: Beneath the Waves
A
O W
N ur
o
at y
ca l
lo
o r e.
e st
gam
ly
On
.9 5
$9

Game Master’s Workshop, Beneath the Waves and the Kenzer and Company Logo are trademarks of Kenzer and Company.

Danger awaits bold adventurers beneath the waves of Whimdol Bay in this the first volume
of an exciting new line of RPG products from Kenzer and Company. This supplement offers
the Game Master a wealth of generic source material upon which to build an extended series
of adventures. Dozens of prominent NPCs are fully detailed in regards to their personali-
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 Knights of the
KENZER &

Dinner Table
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COMPANY
Knights of the Dinner Table #19
Heroes of the HackLeague
May 1998
_______________
© Copyright 1998, Kenzer and

“Heroes of the
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 Editorial of a Madman
G
reetings once again! I’m writing this editorial after
just finishing this issue’s Parting Shots. In recent
CRIES FROM THE ATTIC
weeks several readers wrote in to tell about their
most embarassing moments as a gamer. They were so
amusing, we decided to group them together under the
tag, True Gamer Confessions: When role-playing and
reality collide. We hope it is well received and perhaps if
more of our readers decide to share thier own ‘confes-
sions’ we can make it a semi-regular feature.
Well, this got me thinking about my own most
embarassing moments during my life as a gamer. There
have been so many incidents that it’s hard to narrow it
down to just one.
Like the time I was going through the metal detector at
the airport and the alarm sounded. The guard held out a
metal pan and requested that I empty my pockets into it.
Unfortunately, I had two dozen Dragon Dice™ in my
pockets. Designer, Lester Smith had handed me the dice
just moments before I departed DragonCon. (This was
before Dragon Dice was officially released so they were
like rare gems to me.) Not having anything to put the dice
in I just crammed them in my pocket.
I found myself standing before a very confused guard
who couldn’t figure out what the hell these things were
with their strange colors and mystic runes. Worse yet,
there was a building line of impatient travellers behind me
who couldn’t figure out what the hell they were either.
Another embarassing moment was during my hitch in
the Army. During Desert Storm our post received fund-
ing to have the computer terminals on post networked so
we could send email back and forth across post.
It didn’t take long for the gamers-in-uniform to figure
out the same system could be used to chat back and forth
during the duty day. We could talk about last night’s
game, discuss our plans for the next adventure. Great
fun!! Things kept escalating until eventually we were
actually running role-playing sessions over the network.
One day, I was running a nice game with my friend
Specialist Hammonds (who was on the other side of the
post in the Admin Building). In the middle of the game he
suddenly stopped responding.
I kept sending him prompts. “Mike! You’ve got two
orcs staring down your throat!! What are you doing?
Mike?” (keep in mind that on this system every time you
hey WAIT A MINUTE gordo!! your character
is a PIXIE-FAERIE right? well hell!!
sorry GORDO!! she can just FLY to safety!!
FIRE BLOSSOM
plummets off the she can’t fly. i had my gordo, stop talking in first
cliff to her death!! wings clipped so i
could fit into my suit
of PLATEMAIL +fi
sent a message to a terminal it arrived on the other end with
an alert beep).
After five or six prompts and no answer I assumed duty
must have called and was about to give up when a reply
came back.
“Who is this?”
I scratched my head. Hammonds was a prankster so I
thought he was being funny.
“Hey dude! You got two Orcs on you. What are you
going to do?”
“Who the hell is this? Identify yourself!”
Now I was alarmed.
“Who is this?” I shot back.
“Major Morton!”
I immediately shut down my terminal and instantly trans-
formed into Sergeant Volunteer-for-any-task. I ran courier
duty for my supervisor, took the privates on police call of the
company grounds, anything to put me out of the office and
away from that terminal in case Major Morton tracked me
down.
That night at the game I learned that it had been
Specialist Hammonds all the time trying to put the ‘fear of
gawd’ into me. I was greatly relieved to learn it was a joke
but at the same time I felt like choking Hammonds where he
stood.
For months I tried to pull the same joke on other players
but they never fell for it. Now THAT was embarassing.
Before I close, I’d like to point out that KODT has been
nominated for an Origins Award for “Best Professional
Gaming Magazine” by the Academy of Gaming Arts and
Design (GAMA). As Bob would say, “Hoody Hoo!.” (And
as Sara would say, “What were they thinking?”).
We’d like to thank everyone who helped make 1997 a
gangbuster year for the KenzerCo team. To the right you’ll
find a ballot so you can vote for your favorite game products
and publications by category. No matter who you decide to
vote for we encourage you to make a copy, pick your
favorites and send it in by the deadline. It’s a great way to let
your favorite game designers and writers know their work is
appreciated. We wish all of them the best of luck!!
Until next issue - good reading!!
Jolly R. Blackburn
March 28, 1998
he’s just a bird
in a gilded suit
of armor.
person when you’re playing a
HAR HAR!!
female character.
you know how it
makes me queasy.
Attention Gamers! It’s time once again to select the best game and game-related
releases of the past year (1997) for the annual Origins Awards. Please vote for
one release in each category. Return your completed ballot by June 17. And feel
free to photocopy this ballot for your own use or to pass it on to other gamers
(only one ballot per person, though). Origins Award winners are announced at the
ORIGINS national gaming convention—be there, or check summer issues of this
magazine for the winners!
Deadline: June 17, 1998
Best Abstract Board Game
___ Balanx ................................................ Mayfair
___ Kill Doctor Lucky ................ Cheapass Games
___ Lowenherz .................................. Gold Sieber
___ Stock Market Guru ........................ Avalon Hill
___ Survival of the Witless .................... Avalanche
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Historical Board Game
___ Euphrat & Tigris ...................... Hans im Gluck
___ Home Before the Leaves Fall .......... Clash of Arms
___ Sam Grant .......................... Columbia Games
___ Six Days of Glory ........ Clash of Arms Games
___ Successors ................................... Avalon Hill
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Science Fiction or Fantasy
Board Game
___ BABYLON 5 Wars .............. Agents of Gaming
___ Princess Ryan’s Star Marines ....... Avalon Hill
___ Roborally Grand Prix ..... Wizards of the Coast
___ Starship Troopers .......................... Avalon Hill
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Trading Card Game
___ BABYLON 5 Collectible Card Game Precedence
___ Dune: Eye of the Storm .............. Last Unicorn
___ Shadowrun Trading Card Game Limited Ed. ...... FASA
___ Warlords Trading Card Game ....... Iron Crown
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Traditional Card Game
___ Corporate Shuffle .......... Wizards of the Coast
___ Give Me the Brain .............. Cheapass Games
___ Groo: The Game ..... Archangel Entertainment
___ Lord of the Rings Tarot Deck and Card Game
............................. U.S. Games Systems, Inc.
___ Titan: The Arena ............................ Avalon Hill
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Card Game Expansion or Supplement
___ BattleTech: Mechwarrior ... Wizards of the Coast
___ L5R—Time of the Void .... Five Rings Publishing
___ Magic: the Gathering Portal .. Wizards of the Coast
___ Magic: the Gathering Tempest .. Wizards of the Coast
___ Middle-earth: The Lidless Eye ...... Iron Crown
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Historical Miniatures Rules
___ Battleground Rules .... Easy Eight Enterprises
___ Battles of the Revolutionary & Napoleonic Wars
.................................... Clash of Arms Games
___ Crossfire ........ Quantam Publishing Company
___ Flint & Steel ...... Clash of Arms Games/TOME
___ High Noon ............... Tactical Conflict Systems
___ Red Star, Blue Sky .............................. Simtac
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Science Fiction or Fantasy
Miniatures Rules
___ Chronopia ................... Heartbreaker Hobbies
___ Deadlands: the Great Rail Wars ....... Pinnacle
___ Epic 40,000 ........................ Games Workshop
___ Gorkamorka ....................... Games Workshop
___ The Lost Toys ......... Inner City Game Designs
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Historical Figure Miniatures Series
___ 15mm ACW Personalities ..... Stone Mountain
___ 15mm American Revolution ...... Musket Miniatures
___ 6mm Adler Napoleonics ........ Stone Mountain
___ Charlie Company U.S. Army Figures ... RAFM
____ GHQ Rebellion 10mm Napoleonics ...... GHQ Microarmor
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Science Fiction or Fantasy
Figure Miniature
___ Dove Falconhand in Armor ........... Ral Partha
___ Golden Chaos Dragon Limited Edition .. Ral Partha
___ High Elven Warlord ....................... Ral Partha
___ Sisters of Battle Battle Squad (Seraphin) ..............
........................................... Games Workshop
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Vehicle Miniature
___ AKU-1X Akuma ............................. Ral Partha
___ Call of Cthulhu Roadster ...................... RAFM
___ Cauldron Born ............................... Ral Partha
____ GHQ Micronaut: CB-1 Alaska (USN 67) GHQ Microarmor
___ Iceberg Silent Death Starship .............. RAFM
___ Longboat Silent Death Starship ........... RAFM
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Action Computer Game
___ 7th Legion ..................................... Microprose
___ Hexen II ........................................... Activision
___ Quake II .......................................... Activision
___ Star Trek Starfleet Academy ............ Interplay
___ Tomb Raider ........................... Eidos Software
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Roleplaying Computer Game
___ Blade Runner ................................. Westwood
___ Descent to Undermountain .............. Interplay
___ Fallout: A Post Nuclear Adventure ... Interplay
___ Final Fantasy VII .................... Eidos Software
___ Ultima Online ....................... Origins Systems
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Strategy Computer Game
___ Dark Reign ...................................... Activision
___ Emperor of the Fading Suns ............... Holistic
___ Sid Meier’s Gettysburg ......................... Firaxis
___ Imperialism ................... Strategic Simulations
___ Magic: the Gathering CD-ROM ..... Microprose
___ Panzer General II .......... Strategic Simulations
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Amateur Game Magazine
___ Alarums & Excursions ...................... Lee Gold
___ Berg’s Review of Games ..... Berg’s Review of Games
___ Gaming Intelligence ....... Gaming Intelligence
___ Serendipity’s Circle ........................ Wheeality
___ Starry Wisdom ............................... Chaosium
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Professional Game Magazine
___ Comics Retailer .............. Krause Publications
___ Dungeon Magazine ................................. TSR
___ InQuest ..................................... Wizard Press
___ Knights of the Dinner Table Magazine ... Kenzer & Co.
___ Pyramid Magazine .................. Steve Jackson
___ Shadis Magazine ............................... Alderac
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best New Play-by-Mail Game
___ Cold War Battle Plan ......... Flying Buffalo, Inc.
___ Fire in the Galaxy ............ Tactical Simulations
___ Legends II ............................ Midnight Games
___ Middle-earth PBM Fourth Age Circa 1000 .....
....................................... Game Systems, Inc.
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Ongoing Play-by-Mail Game
___ CTF 2187 .......................... Advanced Gaming
___ Duelmasters ..................... Reality Simulations
___ Hyborian War ................... Reality Simulations
___ Middle-earth PBM .......... Game Systems, Inc.
___ Star Web ........................... Flying Buffalo, Inc.
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Game-Related Novel
___ Grave Covenant .................................... FASA
___ Planar Powers ................................. TSR, Inc.
___ Steel Rain ............................................. FASA
___ Tales from the Empire ........ West End Games
___ The Road to Hell ........................... White Wolf
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Game-Related Short Work
___ A Bright Dream/A Dark Dream ... Steve Jackson
Appearing in In Nomine
___ A Forty Share in Innsmouth ........... Chaosium
Appearing in Singers of Strange Songs
___ Crisis of Faith ............................ Dream Pod 9
___ Independence Day ............................ Pinnacle
___ Not Damned .................................. White Wolf
Appearing in Dark Tyrants Anthology
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Roleplaying Adventure
____ Film Festival #1 (Honk Kong Action Theatre) ...... Event Horizon
___ Independence Day (Deadlands) ............. Pinnacle
___ Mob War (Shadowrun) ..................................... FASA
___ Tale of the Comet (AD&D) ............................... TSR
___ The Great Modron March (AD&D) ................ TSR
____ The Medellin Agent (Millennium’s End) ... Chameleon Eclectic
Appearing in The Medellin Agent
___ The New Breed: Battle Before the Storm (Heavy Gear)
......................................................................... Dream Pod 9
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Roleplaying Game
___ Big Eyes, Small Mouth .... Guardians of Order
___ Blue Planet ........................ Biohazard Games
___ Domains of Dread ................................... TSR
____ Legends of the Five Rings Roleplaying Game ..... Alderac
___ Saga Game Rules/Fate Deck ................. TSR
___ The Babylon Project ....... Chameleon Eclectic
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Best Roleplaying Supplement
___ A Magical Medley (FUDGE) .............. Grey Ghost
___ BattleTech Field Manual: Mercenaries (Mechwarrior)
...................................................................................... FASA
___ Delta Green (Call of Cthulhu) .. Pagan Publishing
___ Heroes of Sorcery (AD&D) .............................. TSR
___ Rigger 2 (Shadowrun) ...................................... FASA
___ The Blood Wood (Earthdawn) ....................... FASA
___ Write-in Title: ________________________
Manufacturer: ________________________
Name _____________________________
Address ___________________________
City _______________________________
State/Prov. ______ Zip _____________
Country ___________________________
Phone Number ____________________
Signature __________________________
For more information on the Academy
or the Origins Awards, contact us at the
address below.
Ballots must be received by June 17,
1998. Mail your ballot to:
98 M12
P.O. Box 10262 Blacksburg, VA 24062 USA
540.953.1658 www.gama.org/academy
TABLE TALK: READER MAIL Our Readers Talk Back!
Dear KODT,
First of all I'd just like to thank you for one of the few game
related books I can afford (what's the subscription for Dragon,
$50 something?) that's the funniest comic I've read in years.
Also, as a late discoverer of the comic, I'd like to thank you for
Bundle of Trouble since I will never get to read KODT issues
1-3 any other way.
Alright, here's a few questions I've wanted to ask for a while;
1) Alright, this is really stupid, but I have to ask, is
Hackmaster real or just one big joke?
2) Could you do a strip on one of the Knight's past, like B.A's
nervous breakdown, Brian's "girlfriend", or Sara's life in gener-
al (an old boyfriend from Minnesota, old gaming group, etc.)
3) Finally, why is Bob bald at 25?
Well, sorry for the stupid letter, and thanks for the great
comic, I'd really like to see anything on Sara or Brian, thanks for
reading this!
Sean Daly
via E-mail
1. Hackmaster is a big joke but it is also slated to become a
‘real’ game. Yes, soon you will be able to hack and slash just
like Bob and Dave. Playtesting has bogged down over a dispute
on the Hoody Hoo effects rules. But hopefully those problems
will be resolved.
2. Yes, we plan on doing these to help flesh out each volume
of Bundles of Trouble. In BOT Vol1 you will find a strip about
Dave’s very first time playing an RPG. (Plus you’ll see who
another member of the group who has since moved on. The infa-
mous Johnny Kazinsky!)
3. Why is Bob bald? Bob started going bald at the age of 12
which might explain why he is cranky all the time. Although,
I’ve never met the woman, I’m told Bob’s mom is bald as well.
Must be in the genes.
Jolly
Dear KODT,
Normally replying to letters in letter cols leads to exactly the
sort of tedious drawn out flame wars that make Dragon's
Forum such a waste of space, but I couldn't help but start typ-
ing when I read Chris Martin's letter in KODT #16. It must
have been a very bad year for him indeed if Starship Troopers
could possibly be listed as a positive. I'm sure that, as a gamer,
you've met the sort of person who enters into incredibly long
rants about whatever subject someone else happens to be dis-
cussing, assuming that the hyperbole they throw in makes the
otherwise frothing mad diatribe worth listening to. Nothing
could be more annoying (unless that person happens to share the
same sentiments *grin*).
His feeble defense of Starship Troopers, laced with throw-
away one-liners as it may have been, was annoying and ineffec-
tive. Pointing out the existence of 'Brain Bugs' alone does not
magically explain away the absurdity of bugs ricocheting aster-
oids into Terra from light-years away. Even assuming somehow
the Brain Bugs waylaid some foolish colonists that landed on
Klendathu and thus determined the existence of another race
and their exact coordinates, this hardly explains how these aster-
YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY BUB?? HUH??
well, you can write to us via e-mail at
JollyRB@aol.com!!
or you can send your snail mail to
K O D T L E T T E R B O X , 1003 Monroe Pike, Marion, IN 46953
SO C’MON, HACKJOCKEY!!! SAY YOUR PIECE!!
oids could have traversed the galaxy at warp speeds- At the
kinds of distances we are talking about, even if being hit by
plasmic flatulence accelerated asteroids to light speed, it still
would have been centuries before that asteroid reached earth.
Factoring in all the possible gravitational influences on the
asteroid before it reached Terra makes the already Weekly
World News worthy idea something that would have perhaps
been more at home in Plan Nine from Outer Space.
Yeah, I know the movie wasn't intended to be good, rele-
vant Sci-Fi, just like I know Chris Martin's letter wasn't intend-
ed to be a thorough and serious refutation, but when a movie
lays claim to such a great heritage, it had better live up to it, or
face the consequences (in this case, fantastic income- ah, well,
there is no justice).
The other item I might as well mention took place in the far
more interesting section of KODT. I refer, of course, to
Knobby-Foot's tragic and shocking slaughter of poor Dave's
Magic Cow. As if it were not enough to deprive poor Dave of
his Hackmaster on the basis of an opponent's fumble, BA had
the audacity to go and slaughter his sacred cow! Now, I realize
that Knobby Foot hasn't exactly been treated well, and I can
understand that being on the receiving end of a ring of
Kevorkian can negatively impact one's loyalty rolls, not to
mention being discussed as the next day's entree, but up until
Knobby's savage murder of Chelsie, he had my deepest sym-
pathies. However, Chelsie was perhaps the one redeeming
quality to El Reaper's otherwise meaningless Hack and Slash
existence. It would be one thing if Knobby had taken Dave's
sword (which he regained somewhere?) or Bob's crossbow-
But Chelsie, source of actual Roleplaying on Dave's part,
should have remained free from Knobby's ungentle affections.
It was a clear cut case of one innocent taking his rage out upon
another, and I for one, a one time supporter of the poor, much-
put upon NPC, now hope he is overborne by Dave's ten beggar
henchmen and subjected to whatever fiendish atrocities Dave's
none too creative mind can come up with.
Garth Pricer
via E-mail
Sorry I cut a huge chunk from your Starship Troopers back-
lash, Garth. I think I left enough intact so that your point still
comes across. I’m amazed how many people wrote in to take
sides for or against the movie. It’s seems like people either hate
or love this movie. You know what that usually means? Most
cult movies start out this way. It will be interesting to see how
people feel about this movie ten years from now. I remember
leaving Blade Runner during it’s initial release and being the
ONLY person in my group to love the movie. Everyone else
absolutely hated it - HATED IT!! Same thing with
Highlander.
As for Chelsie the Cow. What can I say? I can’t think of any
other single incident in the strip to cause such an uproar from
fans. As Leonard Nimoy once remarked when people com-
plained about the death of Spock in STIII, “No one really dies
in science fiction.” I would add ‘fantasy’ to that remark.
Jolly
IN YER FACE EVERY MONTH!!!
e
f th SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL Kn i g h
n i g hts o TM
GAMESHOP!!! IT”S THE KEWL No. 21
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CAN

Table
No.5 2US0A
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$3.50
Dinn TM

HOME
IS WH
PAC E!! ERE Y
OU HA
HACK IN S NG YE
R DIC
E BAG
20 1998 Avai Issue
Issue eJune, lable 2
Ju 1
labl ly, 1
Avai 998

Be Sure to Reserve Your Copy of the Next Issue

at your favorite Game or Comic Shop!!
LOOKIN’ FOR TROUBLE??
You say you got a chip
on your shoulder
because you missed
Issues one thru three
of KODT??

Well, we got the cure

right here, Bub!!

ONLY $9.95

• 96 trouble-packed pages of classic KODT!!!

• a complete compilation of issues 1, 2 and 3!!
• PLUS!!! an all new story never before seen!!

AVAILABLE NOW AT YOUR LOCAL GAME SHOP!

Don’t Go There based on a suggestion by richard bartlett

PL:AY SOMEPLACE ELSE?? are you insane?? do you

hey guys, before you go home, we have a little problem know how long it took me to train this spot for proper
to discuss. i’m afraid we can’t play here next thursday. DICE ROLLS?? what’s the BIG PROBLEM??
we have to find some place else to play temporarily. we play here next week just like we always do!!!

what’s this all about?? you have

ANOTHER group don’t you?? who are
but...but.. they?? what are their names??
any ideas?? i don’t want to let’s not
hear no BUTS!! overreact guys.
we play HERE!!

will you let me explain?? my grandparents are the poor man. when he asked if DWARF NINJA?? hmmrrfff,
visiting next week and my parents don’t want ANY we’d teach him how to play nothing special about that
gaming in the house while they’re here. so, we can't HACKMASTER i really character except it BROKE
use this room for our game. we're going to have to thought it was a good idea. how every convention in the book.
find another venue and THAT’S THAT!! were we supposed to know it a dwarf with full MONK
would trigger a FLASHBACK?? abilities?? to top it off B.A.
let him get away with using a
PAPPY FELTON is your grandpa is so LONG BOW!! but i guess
coming to visit?? kewl!! his DWARF BLOOD is thicker than THE
how’s the old man NINJA rocked. RULES!!!
doing?? i thought we
killed him that night.

OH NO! don’t EVEN go there, brian. you’re the yeah you CHISELER!! and
one who kept GOADING him into every SHOVE IT IN YER DICEBAG!!
it’s YOUR fault he can’t fifteen cents is my CLUB RATE!!
suspected trap and pit!! the man went through play with us anymore and
six characters in ONE evening. and to top it all pappy wasn’t an official member of
it’s YOUR fault we gotta the KNIGHTS so he gets my
off you had the GALL to charge him twenty five find someplace else to play
cents for each new character sheet!! STREET rate. TOUGH NOOGIES!!!
next week. I”M HOPPIN and how the hell is it MY fault he
MAD ABOUT IT!! can’t play with us?? i can’t help it he
had an IWO JIMA flashback!!
you know a man comes at me swinging a cane
yeah, we liked i DEFEND myself!!! PERIOD!!!
DAMN well PAPPY!!
your regular
rate is
FIFTEEN
CENTS!!

6

OVER REACTED?? that’s
no one is blaming you putting it rather mildly. i’d say
for PAPPY’S HOG TYING a man with his
FLASHBACK, brian. SUSPENDERS and
we just think you shoving him down a LAUNDRY
overreacted. CHUTE is OVER KILL!!
although, i’ll have to admit it was pretty kewl when he
tried to put a FULL NELSON on you big guy and you swung
him over your shoulder into a MODIFIED FIREMAN’S
CARRIAGE and BODY SLAMMED HIM!!
kewl? the man is hey, the man had
82 years old! MILITARY TRAIING!!
he was a potentially
lethal weapon.

i’ll never forget the look on his face as they hey no one’s faultin’ ya for takin’ the OLD MAN
shoved him into that ambulance. he just kept down. i think we all understood that but when a
askin’ if our flag had made it up the hill. man crawls from the room the fight’s over. you
don’t drag him back in by his ankles for more.
brawling with an can i help it if the man
82 year old man!! i thought i was a JAPANESE good point, dave. don’t sit there and try
still can’t believe SNIPER?? i’m tellin’ ya i it’s not like to justify it, brian. you
you could be so thought my life was in peril. PAPPY touched really disappoint me.
heartless, brian. don’t let his age fool you. your dice or any- hey, i was blinded
the man packed a pretty thing. he was just with rage. i chipped
mean LEFT HOOK!! a little obnoxious. in on his artificial
hip didn’t i?

i'd volunteer my crib but i got

the point is, after
PAPPY’S “accident” we’re
not allowed to game in the
house while he’s visiting.
we’re going to have to move
the game to someone else’s
table next week.
we can't use my place. NO
WAY¡¡ my dad thinks you
guys are the SPAWN OF
SATAN. he said if he ever
heard the rattle of dice in our
house again they’d be lockin’ his
ass up for HOMICIDE!!
rid of my table to make room NO PROBLEMO! i’ve
been beggin’ you guys to
for my FOOS BALL GAME.
and...uh...i ain’t got no chairs. come over to my place.
it'll be great to have
all my MANUALS
gee. my table is too within ARM'S REACH
small and..uh..er.. you for once.
don’t have chairs??

7
BRIAN, no offense ol’ buddy, but your
place is a DUMP!! you have SCARY
FURRY GREEN THINGS growing in
your fridge. i got PINK EYE last time
i was at your place.
i used his bathroom once
and my tennis shoe
STUCK to the floor.
i just left it
there.
i’m not going to brians. he they’re right, brian. your place is a
never has any toilet HEALTH HAZARD! i’d prefer that we
paper and all the dust is played somewhere else.
murder on my sinuses.
that’s YOUR shoe, hey how about weird
dave? i wondered pete’s store?
whose that was.
no good! the
BLACK HANDS
have the backroom
tied up almost
every night.

WHAA?? cancel the game?? ARE YOU MAD?? what the hell’s wrong
THIS BLOWS with you? you seem pretty eager to throw in the towel. you’re our GAME
BIG TIME!! MASTER!! our leader!! REMEMBER?? you’re supposed to set the exam-
we got no place ple. it’s your job to rally the troops when morale is low and forge ahead.
to go?? i suppose we could
just SKIP next
week’s game. well...i suppose we
COULD squeeze in around beautifully
my table and make do. put, bob!!

do us a favor SARA. take the
FRILLY LACE and SCENTED
WELL, small table or CANDLES off the table. and if
no - looks like we you got any posters from TEEN
play at SARA’S BEAT of the HANSEN KIDS
PLACE next week. or gawd knows who else, throw
a towel over them. i don’t want
anything detracting from the
ambiance of the game.
bob’s got a good point. try to DE-GIRLIFY the
place. we played at a girl’s place once. PATTY
GAUZWEILER!! she set out COASTERS and
PLACE MATS on the gaming table.
PATTY?? (brrrrrr)
gee, that’s sooooo what bad memories
like a girl isn’t it? THAT name stirs up.
always “yes maam” this
and “yes maam” that.

8
 PATTY GAUZWEILER!!! don’t even
mention that name in this SACRED
PLACE. remember when she docked me
fi‚‚ EXPERIENCE POINTS for
leaving the toilet seat up??
and once when BRIAN threw a twenty-sider she never liked me. seemed
at me, she made him stand in the like i was always getting
TIME OUT CORNER for twenty minutes. sent to the TIME OUT
CORNER for one stupid
hmmmn. time reason or another.
out corner...

e
bl
c rib bble
s cri
s

remember the CUSSIN’ JAR?? everytime you cussed you

had to put fifty cents in the jar. one night when JOHNNY ‘member how she would stamp your character sheet
KAZINSKI backstabbed my GNOME RANGER with a SMILEY FACE if your character did some-
i had to put twenty bucks in that FERK DING BLASTIN’ thing good or a FROWNY FACE if you screwed up?
JAR!! i heard she raised enough money to put VINYL
SIDING on her HOUSE TRAILER! i assume she got a don’t remind me. i had so many
volume discount on FROWNY FACE STAMPS i had
the FROWNY to staple three amendment
what do you expect? PATTY FACES. pages to my character sheet.
was a KINDERGARTEN
TEACHER wasn’t she?

i never told anybody well...uh...she didn’t do

man that PATTY was one WEIRD this story before but anything in particular.
CHICK!! remember when we killed once i arrived at her she just gave me that
that stupid NPC BARD?? she house early on game no kidding? what did she LOOK!! know what
cried REAL TEARS¡¡ night and PATTY put do? what happened?? i mean? i felt really
the moves on me. uncomfortable so i ended
do i remember? she made up waiting outside in my
me read TO KILL A WHAT?? i thought van until the rest of the
oh yeah. she didn’t
MOCKINGBIRD and patty? for gang showed up.
i forgot like you?
write an essay about it. you?? really?
about that.

9
 are you talking about the time
you showed up four hours yeah - SO? what’s
early, unannounced so you your point? she
could watch the BRISCO still gave me a
FUNNY LOOK!! a female
COUNTY JR. MARATHON GAMEMASTER,
on her CABLE?? huh?? i sure wish
i could have met
and weren’t you wearing PATTY. i bet
your GREEN they weren’t FLIP we’d have lot’s to
LANTERN T-SHIRT FLOPS they were talk about.
and FLIP FLOPS?? ORTHOPEDIC
SANDALS!!

DAMMIT DAVE!! why’d you have to mention her PATHETIC?? YOU’RE talking about ME??
name?? HUH?? i just want to reach into my BRAIN you got some nerve FATHEAD!! you wanna talk
and RIP her FREAKIN’ memory right out of there. about girlfriends?? at least
she’s like a BAD NIGHTMARE!! MY girlfriend was REAL¡¡
i can’t believe you DATED that creature.

DATED?? that’s dave and patty you better

not true. we just had a THING believe it. she
hung out together. together?? had dave so
THAT’S ALL!! OOOHH WHIPPED it
REALLY?? was pathetic!!

A FEW MINUTES LATER....

wha...wha...what
happened?? well we did all
agree to never bring
shouldn’t up ALEXIS again.*
have gone
there, dude!!

* See KODT #6: The Great Intervention

10
Dances with PitBulls
i got no elbow room. how am i gonna
COZY MY ASS!! this
reminds me of that buggy
WHOAH! i see what you ride i took at AMISH
mean about the table, COUNTRY SAFARI last
sara. it IS a little, er, summer. the only thing miss-
COZY in here. ing is HANS the driver
playin’ GREEN SLEEVES on
his HURDY-GURDY!
roll dice if i got no elbow room??
huh?? how am i a gonna do that??
and to think we could be
i’m sorry guys. my mother playing on my REGULA-
gave me this table. she TION SIZE PING
lost the table leaf. PONG TABLE!! a little
dust never hurt anybody!

these pencils mark the boundaries
of my dice-rolling zone. put ONE
FINGER in there and DON'T
EXPECT TO SEE IT AGAIN.
c’mon guys! we’re going to
have to be tolerant of
each other. tight confines
fuel tempers.
well, i guess we’ll just have to
make do as best we can. let’s cut
the small talk tonight and get
right into the adventure.

you better get that FINGER

out of my face!! don’t make i can’t breathe.
me introduce you to it’s too hot in here.
MISTER FISTER!! don’t you have any
A.C. sara?

LATER THAT NIGHT

okay looks like the ORC BOUNTY HUNTERS are hot on your trail. BOB as you attempt to climb up the sycamore tree a
PITBULL leaps from the thicket and locks his jowls onto your throat. with a VIOLENT, THRASHING motion he
RENDS the FLESH AND MUSCLE from your neck. RENDERED IMMOBILE, you SLINK to the ground and TWITCH
like a BLIND FLEA on a HOT STOVE as BLOODY FROTHY FOAM oozes from the GAPING WOUND in your throat.

DAMN!! i’m running i’m lying perfectly still in good idea, SARA. i follow
I WASTE HIM WITH the patch of pine needles.
my....er...uh...HUH?? for that barn we suit. pitbulls have a poor
WHAT THE HELL?? passed a while ago. sense of smell.

11
 sorry dave, just as you break into a good stride the thicket EXPLODES
WITH MOTION. a pack of FIFTY-TWO TRAINED PIT BULLS break
free of the undergrowth and chase you down. a SWARM OF SNAPPING,
SPIT-DRIPPING JAWS tear at your flesh mercilessly.
the pain is HORRIFIC but thankfully your FEAR-MUDDLED BRAIN
decides to shut down and spare you from the experience.
i’m applying a TOURNIQUET to i’m notching an ARROW
my neck. i’ll attempt to crawl OF HOUND’S BANE!
away into the underbrush while
they are busy chewin’ on DAVE.
b.a., as soon as the ORC BOUNTY HUNTERS
move into the clearing i’m centering a couple
of PROXIMITY-FIRE BALLS right on ‘em.
then i’m casting YUDDER”S WHISTLE OF
HELL’S GATE. the high pitched frequency
should render the pit bulls completely
helpless and drive them from the area.

LATER THAT NIGHT

·° POINTS?? why GARY JACKSON
okay, i’m finished sewing my wounds. looks c’mon B.A.!! you’re put SEWING NEEDLE on
like 785 STITCHES. (hope i don’t get any well, it IS in the WEAPONS TABLE
still not clinging to the HACK-
scars). did sara’s HEALING POTION take that NEEDLES-DO- and listed it as doing 0≥125
care of my HIT POINTS?? MASTER points of DAMAGE i’ll
DAMAGE scam of a GM’S GUIDE.
rule are you?? never know. but leave it to
785 STITCHES?? sara’s potion B.A. to enforce that rule.
brought you back up to full hit
points but then you took ·°
POINTS of damage from the needle
as you sewed your wounds.

i can’t believe GILEAD put
a price on our heads. those
ORC BOUNTY HUNTERS
are relentless!!
why wouldn’t they be?
GILEAD’S bounty is being
matched by AHK-TANG and the
SOUTHERN ORC LEAGUE
hey sara, this place uh, thanks dave. it’s called air freshener.
really ain’t as bad i hope i didn’t over do it. i thought it might
as i thought it be a good idea to put a little extra out
would be. it smells since i knew we’d be so cramped for space.
like pine trees.
air freshener?? thank goodness.
i just assumed you were wearing
some kind’a cheap perfume.

12
 I SAW THAT!! you roll that pencil you guys may want to think about moving on!!
another 1/6 of its circumference and word is spreading on the street that several
you'll wake up in the HOSPITAL!. the dwarf is right!! we’re
ORC BANDS have been seen in the area. you tired of gettin’ our butts
i didn’t move it. the can bet your bottom dollar that they are kicked by a bunch of no
someone must BOUNTY HUNTERS closing in on you. account ORC_SCUM!!
table rocks when have kicked the
i try to breathe!! it’s about time we showed
domino out ‘em what we’re made of!!
from under the i don’t know how it got started but
bad leg. i’m tired of running. KNUCKLES
never ran from a fight in his life.
i think we should stand our ground the orcs aren’t the
and fight it out HERE!! problem - it’s those
DAMNED PIT BULLS!!

i just remembered. PIT BULLS are listed on the STANDARD

well don’t expect any help
from the local townsfolk.
the town is too far from
IMPERIAL PATROLS.
they would fear ORC
REPRISALS!
EQUIPMENT LISTS!! check this out - they only cost FIVE
dave, what are SILVER PIECES EACH!! and the AVAILABILITY is °D⁄‚‚
you doing?? we in any medium sized town or village.
ain’t got time for
reading books. that has to TYPO - SHMYPO!! without
be a typo!! any official ERRATA SHEET
amending or rescinding it -
IT’S OFFICIAL!!

CRY HAVOC!! and

LET LOOSE THE
DOGS OF WAR!!
HOODY
FRICKIN’ HOO!!

hold on guys - i know what yer thinking give me a break, huh? we don’t want ‘em to fetch the guess i’ll buy a
but it’s not that simple. you better check newspaper or make like LASSIE!! pit bulls were bred few hundred as
that price list again. FIVE SILVER to attack and inflict damage. it comes natural to well. we better
PIECES is for an UNTRAINED PIT them. AIN’T NO TRAINING ABOUT IT!! stock up some
BULL. a fully trained pit bull is fi‚‚ DOGGY CHOW
GOLD PIECES!! besides there is a mini- while we’re at it.
mum six week BONDING PERIOD i’m buying two
between dog and trainer in order to earn hundred for
the animal’s LOYALTY. myself.

13
TWENTY MINUTES LATER≥≥≥ HOODY KALA_FRAGILUS HOO!! did you see that?? my DOGS
are KICKIN’ ASS and TAKIN’ NAMES!! and hell, they’re
the ALPHA_MALE from dave’s PIT BULL doing it all on their own. i don’t even have to give them orders.
PACK rips the ENTRAILS out of BRIAN’s
ALPHA-MALE thus establishing leadership GOOD GAWD control them?? you don’t
over the COMBINED PACK!! after losing an they’re NASTY put a chain on BLIND
additional 15 dogs due to the readjustment and VARMITS!! you RAGE!! they can’t even get
establishment of the NEW PECKING ORDER, sure you can along with each other.
the new pack control them?
is comprised of
‹‡fi PIT
BULLS!!

A WEE LITTLE BIT LATER≥≥
okay bob, as you are mounting your
horse one of the PIT BULLS
spooks it. the horse rears up on its
hind legs and you tumble to the
ground. sensing the animal’s fear
the PIT BULL PACK explodes
with BLOOD LUST. they descend
upon anything that is moving - you,
your horse, a little squirrel who
just happened to be nearby...
i’m sure i hear the commotion from my
dammit bob!! now guard post. i’ll head for the area as
look what you’ve quickly as i can while readying my bow.
what the?? done!! you’ve sent
THEY”RE them into a frenzy.
ATTACKING i’m heading that way as
ME?? well. until i can properly
assess the tactical situa-
tion i’ll have a couple of
fireballs online in standby!

CALL OFF YOUR alright, ALRIGHT!! don’t if the whistle doesn’t

get your DICEBAG all in oh dear, if i shoot
FREAKIN’ DOGS!! work i’m lettin’ loose
a WAD!! b.a. i’m blowing into the pack i might
you hear me?? these FIREBALLS!!
my DOG WHISTLE and hit bob by mistake. we can always SIFT
calling them back. bob out from the ashes
as SARA and BRIAN
approach all you can and have him RAISED.
see is a WRITHING
MASS of dogs centered
on BOB and his horse.

14
 it takes several GOOD blasts from your whistle dave as the pack draws near you are
before the dogs show any reaction, dave. suddenly WHEW!!! you see there? ALARMED by the CRESCENDO of
they cease MAULING bob and an EERIE SILENCE i knew the whistle SNARLS AND GROWLS that preceeds
sets in as they turn their attention to you. you feel would come in handy. them. your instincts tell you to RUN
hundreds of pairs of SOULESS BLACK EYES sorry about that bob - FOR YOU LIFE but sadly, it’s too late.
starring at you with intense curiosity for several with a little more you are engulfed by the pack as hun-
long moments. then, as if on cue, they begin running training i’m sure they’ll dreds of seeking, grasping fangs tear into
toward you as if the pack were a single individual!! come to recognize you as your flesh and pull you to the ground.
a friend. then we can...
i need a ever notice that
damage b.a.’s FLAVOR
report!! TEXT swells in
direct proportion
to how much one
of our characters
is getting
screwed?

well fortunately bob, you were yes they do!! it seems

wearing a helmet and breast to INTENSIFY
plate so you didn’t take much i’m blowin’ the their SAVAGE
damage to the head or abdomen. GAAAAA!! that’s not whistle again. ATTACK even more.
unfortunately the dogs were able fair!!! WIPE THAT do they
to rip off your arms and one STUPID SMIRK react??
i guess i’ll stand at a distance and fire
remaining leg. from your limited OFF YER FACE!! as many arrows into the pack as i can.
vantage point you can see your
shredded limbs scattered about
you in the leaves and grass. i’m lettin’ loose my
FIREBALLS and
bringing a couple of
SIDE WINDERS up.

AFTER THE BATTLE≥≥

you owe me BIG TIME, guys.
okay, b.a., i throw the hand in the
okay brian, you find MEAT-BARROW with the other
DAVE’S missing hand in bob, my barbarian made a saddle frame parts. i guess we can sort bob’s
the belly of the next dog to hold your torso. you can ride dave’s parts from dave’s when we get to
you cut open. that horse. i’ll put the reins in your teeth. the TEMPLE OF LUVIA.
accounts for all the
missing body parts. gee, thanks clover-flax is
sara. a good horse.

15
 as you are preparing to leave i’ll fire an arrow -
the campsite you notice move- intentionally missing
ment near the forest’s edge. him in an attempt to i wonder what he
there standing PROUD and what’s he oh this is drive him off. wants?? is there any-
DEFIANT is the ALPHA_MALE doing?? is he bad! this is thing unusual about
PIT BULL! he apparently attacking?? VERY bad. this dog, b.a.??
escaped during the battle.

now that you mention it, this dog has an aura of leader-
ship about him. he seems keenly intelligent. his dark eyes
study you just as a GREAT WARRIOR studies a
WORTHY ADVERSARY before battle. yet, there’s a
hint of pleading in his demeanor with the faintest tinge
of regret. it’s almost as if he were sorry. standing there
alone, without a pack to lead or a master to follow you
feel a sense of PITY for him!!!
bob’s right. this has so many
RUN AWAY!! RED FLAGS it looks like the
IT’S A TRAP!! KREMLIN on MAY DAY!!
i think they may be right, brian. B.A. is pushing all
my buttons. nothing i’d like more than to spare
the animal’s life but it smells like a trap.
let’s not be hasty. i think there may be
something special about this dog. okay,
i show the dog my empty outstretched
palms. i’ll slowly approach the animal
while reassuring him with a friendly, gentle
voice, “nice doggy-doggy!! good doggy-doggy!!”

THE NEXT DAY≥≥

the dog is encouraged by your words and
gestures. he barks and playfully spins in a HAR HAR¡¡ you managed to KILL brian with the old
circle in an almost PUPPY-LIKE fashion. LOST PUPPY routine?? HAR HAR¡¡ that’s a hoot!!
i can’t wait to RAZZ him about it when he comes in.

i’m tellin’ ya “QQ39: PUTTING SPICE

ooooooooo, isn’t that so precious? BACK IN YOUR FLAVOR TEXT” is the
he certainly seems friendly. best damn GAME MASTER SELF HELP
book i’ve ever purchased. thanks for the tip.
ya see? i’m winning
00000, this is going his confidence. i’ll hey, have i ever
more red to be bad. have him eating out steered y0u
flags!! of my hand. wrong??

i’ll forget you asked

that question pete.

16
Got Yer Number
i’m sittin’ here lookin’ at a
bunch of LOSERS!! you
guys missed out. you
should have gone to
WEIRD PETE’S MID-
NIGHT GAME AUCTION
saturday night.
i stopped going to those things months ago.
it’s just an excuse for PETE to unload crap
he can’t sell in his store. a man can only
buy so many SPELLJACKED starter decks
for a buck before the thrill wears off.
there’s an ugly rumor that WEIRD PETE
hires certain LOW LIFES to sit in the
audience and drive the bids up.
low lifes?? hey, three
percent commission is
hard to turn down.

HA HA!!! persistence pays off!!
BEHOLD!!! this little beauty
came up for auction last
saturday. GARY JACKSON’S
BUSINESS CARD with his
AUTOGRAPH on the back!!
apparently EARL SLACKMOZER blew a hard drive
and needed to raise some quick cash. he dumped all kinds
of kewl crap in the auction but THIS was the real gem.
HOLY MOLY!!! the
holy grail of all good for you bob. it should i’ll say!! his signature is
autographs!! how the make an excellent invest- going for FIFTY BUCKS
hell did that turn up ment since GARY JACK- on the alt.hackmaster.
at a local auction?? SON has refused to give fandom newsgroup.
autographs since 1986.

well i paid a little more than that. you should get it

some jerk kept bidding against me. he wow!! the GRAND framed bob and put it
didn’t know who he was up against. MASTER OF GAMING on your wall. you i can’t believe
when i see something i want - I GET signed this. he actually really got something EARL would let
IT!! besides, i’m sure it will go up in held THIS card to be proud of there. something like
value. especially if GARY kicks the in his hand. that go from his
bucket or something. you never know. collection.

oh wouldn’t it be nice if he got

hit by a truck? you could
really cash in. (sheesh).

17
 okay hero, let me WHOAH!! of course i looked at LOOK IT!! his HOME PHONE NUMBER is on here.
have the card back. DUDE did you it. it’s an OFFICIAL right there!! THE GAWDFATHER OF GAMING!!!
if you stare at it any take a CLOSE HARD EIGHT we....we...could call him anytime we wanted to.
harder you’re gonna LOOK at this ENTERPRISES
take the ink off. business card?? BIZ CARD. every- MOTHER OF
thing is kosher!! his home phone?? BLESSED DICE
THROWS!!
you’ve struck
gold, bobby boy!!

do you have any idea how much some fans would pay hey, let’s call him RIGHT NOW
to get that phone number?? it’s like a key to and talk to him and stuff. it would
GARY’S FRONT DOOR!! call the man direct and it would be nice to
be kewl to...GAAA!!!! talk to GARY
talk to him ONE-ON-ONE!! pitch him on your game
design ideas! squid free product from him!! but...invade the man’s
privacy?? it doesn’t
seem like a good idea.
THE GIVE ME THAT
POSSIBILITIES DAMN CARD!!
BOGGLE THE
MIND!!

¡
OSH¡
WHO

hell no you don’t invade the man’s privacy. what

do you take me for?? a COMMON FANBOY?? DITTO! destiny
there’s a certain degree of responsibility that i’m sorry. i guess yer i’m so proud of you brought this informa-
comes with owning a piece of information like right. man, having it in bob. i agree with you tion into your lap. it
this. it should be safe-guarded. the secret is the palm of my hand whole heartedly. should only be used
knowing WHEN to make the phone call. it should and all - it just went with great care and
only be used for a really special occasion. not to my head. forethought.
just to call up and say, “HEY HOW ARE YA?”

18
LATER THAT SAME NIGHT≥≥ i hate to admit it but that was pretty
HOODY HOO!! we exciting. what a great example of
unbelievable bob!!! i can’t believe you rolled FOUR dropped the bastard what good team work can accomplish.
CONSECUTIVE CRITICAL TO-HITS!!! the SLUDGE in JUST FOUR too bad he declined to negotiate.
WYRM lets out a BLOOD-CURDLING scream!! com- COMBAT
bined with the damage from brian’s SPHERE OF ROUNDS!!! i bet aaaaahh, let’s just sit
NAPALM and dave’s HACKMASTER +⁄¤ the dragon that ain’t NEVER here and savor the
crashes to the cavern floor. been done before. moment. i wish we had
videotaped this.
SAY BYE-
BYE
WYRMY!!

dude!! you know who i bet would A LETTER?? you can’t do justice
LOVE to hear about this?? to a story like this with a
huh?? GARY JACKSON!!! FREAKIN’ LETTER!!
guys it’s TWO geeze -i was
A.M.!! maybe you just sayin.
that’s a DAMN should just write besides, GARY’S a that’s all.
good idea. i bet he him a letter. gamer like us!! he’s
ain’t never heard of probably up playing
anyone dropping a right now!!
sludge wyrm in four
rounds!!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER≥≥≥ bob herzog?? who the hell is bob herzog??

..so by this time OL’ WYRMY is gettin’ pretty hot and sez,
“WHO”S GONNA MAKE ME?” so KNUCKLES shoots back, ..now to fully understand
“YER LOOKIN’ AT HIM!” ha ha, course this went over why this SLUDGE WYRM
like a bag of bricks. it was obvious he was about to THROW had it in for us so bad, you
DOWN. you could cut the tension with a knife. so we... really have to go back to
the beginning. ya see, we had
don’t leave out the part where been playing, MODULE G-55
i told him to kiss by rosy-red butt! last summer and...

19
A Time for Heroes
well, looks like everybody is ready to play thanks!! i worked on mine all weekend. i modified an old halloween
some HEROES AND ZEROES. i hope you costume i found in the attic. i haven’t worn it since the SEVENTH
remembered to bring your old character GRADE but amazingly enough, it still fits. it makes the perfect
sheets. we’re going to pick up the campaign costume for my character ROACH BOY!!
where we left off last summer*.
what do you think of my costume?? THE WHIS-
PER rocks!!! “he rides the long shadows of night
oh, and.... uh.... er.... that’s nice, like a whisper on the wind!!” that’s my new motto.
GREAT COSTUMES bob. it’s very came up with it on the way to the game.
by the way. i think it striking. you’re a poet, dave.
will really adds to
the ATMOSPHERE!

speaking of costumes what the hell happened to

hey, that’s what the STATE yours, sara? i thought we all agreed to to make cos-
TROOPER said when he pulled tumes to pump up the atmosphere. WHAT GIVES??
well they certain- us over on the way over here.
ly attract atten-
tion. my mom com- yeah!! you look oh..uh...wouldn’t you
mented that you PRETTY SILLY know it. i FORGOT mine.
guys look like that dude had NO sense being the ONLY i could just kick myself.
you’re up to no good. of humor whatsoever. person to not have
a costume!!

c’mon dave!! throwing on some SHADES, donning a TRENCH

hey brian, your costume
KICKS ASS!! i approve.
at least, unlike dave, you
put a little thought into
YOUR costume.
COAT and tying a LAME ASS BANDANA around your
face doesn’t constitute a COSTUME!! you look like yer
what the hell is that about to knock off a SLUSHY MART or something.
supposed to mean?? i put
A LOT of work into this BACK OFF JACK!!! nobody knocks THE WHISPER!!
outfit!! IT’S KEWL!! this costume evokes FEAR and DREAD in the heart
of the wrong doer!!

*See Dragon #243

20
 i got a BIG SURPRISE for you guys!! you know
how you got kind of bored with your characters and
didn’t know what to do with yourselves between
missions?? well i bought the latest supplement,
BACKGROUND TOOL CHEST!! it’s packed with
random tables to help flesh out your characters.
whoah, whoah WHOAH!!! stop the bus
chief!! we’re playing established charac-
ters. i don’t want to go screwin’ around
with them now!! besides, ROACH BOY is
fine just the way he is.

aw c’mon guys!! hmmmmm,

WHISPER b.a. has a point. H&Z
i spent eighteen characters ARE very
bucks on this could use a
little fine two dimensional.
supplement.
tuning.
which is why we
suggested costumes!!

think about it! what do you really know about your characters?? bob - who is ROACH BOY? i mean who is he REALLY?
what motivates him? all you know about him is that he has RESISTANCE TO CRUSHING DAMAGE, he can survive a
NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST, he can subsist on a SOAP FLAKE AND NEWSPAPER diet, he has to SCURRY TO SHAD-
OWS when the lights are turned on. c’mon!!! what an EMPTY SHELL of a character. i’m offering flesh and bone!! a
background!! ROOTS!!! hell, every character has his own ORIGINS ISSUE doesn’t he? it’s important to a hero.

big deal!! your ENDURANCE is hey, b.a. makes a yeah, he weaves his words
hey you forgot so low you can only run one city good argument. like a spider weaves a web.
CHEETAH SPEED!!! block before you get WINDED. i ain’t fallin’ for it this time.
remember?? i sacrificed
some attribute points
to get that.

okay, count me in, b.a.!! GYMNINIA

could use a good background!! okay, here goes!!
looks like a......3°!!

thanks sara!! you won’t regret eeeew, that’s good!!

it. now, first thing you need to you get to roll on
do is roll two twenty siders and tough talk CAREER TABLE A.
add the result!! this will from a man
determine the OCCUPATION wearing panty waddaya doing?? i dunno!! looks HA!! gary
of your SECRET PERSONA! hose and a you can get decent like she’s doing jackson’s a
CAPTAIN results just lettin’ okay to me!! palm roller
okay but you have to DORK mask!! em roll off yer ya know.
stand by the palm like that.
results, MISSY!!

21
TWELVE DIE ROLL RESULTS LATER≥≥
okay sara, here is GYMNINIA’S new background. she was born in ROMANIA to POOR IRISH SQUASH FARMERS.
your father was a professional BASKET BALL PLAYER but was killed by BRAZILIAN DRUG CARTEL HITMEN during
the COCAINE WARS of 1973. your mother took on a job on the ALASKAN PIPE LINE to help feed you and your three sib-
lings. for years you watched her WITHER away under the brutal SLAVE-LIKE conditions of the PIPELINE CHAIN
GANGS in the PACIFIC NORTHWEST. you managed to escape your miserable plight when your incredible gymnastic
skills caught the attention of the CIA. they recruited you and eventually you were admitted into the HACKLEAGUE!!
wow!! i’m wow!! lemme do it!! sweet!!
?!!
impressed. ALL
THAT from a
few simple dice
rolls.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER≥≥

okay bob that results bumps you to the WELL-TO-DO TABLE:C. hmmmm... looks like your secret identity
is a LAY-ABOUT SOCIALITE!! your hobbies are the BALLET, WAGNERIAN OPERAS and you occa-
sionally like to catch a SERGIO LEONI flick. oh....and it says here you have a VICTORIAN SALT-
AND-PEPPER SHAKER collection on loan to the METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART. oh this is
nice - looks like you get FOUR GRAND a month from your mother as a SPENDING ALLOWANCE.
SOCIALITE?? these results just okay, i’m up to bat!!
what is that? a yeah you’d BETTER keep don’t make sense.
that identity a secret. let’s go b.a.!!
communist or
something??

A WEE BIT LATER≥≥≥

okay brian, says here you were a KICK BOXER. you got yanked from the PROFESSIONAL CIRCUT after
STEROIDS were detected in a routine urine analysis. even so, you should have been set for life but your
MANAGER dumped all your winnings into a FRIED-KIWI FRANCHISE and you lost your ass!! this prompted
you to drive your manager’s lower jaw into his brain pan with a TIRE IRON. that little stunt earned you a 25
year prison sentence for manslaughter. hmmmmm....this is odd, says here you later moved on to win the GOVER-
NORSHIP of SOUTH DAKOTA in a landslide election. the SAVINGS AND LOAN SCANDAL swept you up this
with it and you ended up running a TIRE-RETREADING SHOP in CRIPPLE CREEK, COLORADO! blows
chunks.
i still want to brian’s back- this is
know what a ground SUCKS!! insane!
LAY-ABOUT
SOCIALITE is!

22

i can’t believe GARY
JACKSON let this PIECE
OF CRAP go out the door!!
what was he thinking??
B.A. must be screwin’ it up
somehow.maybe he should
re-read the GETTING
STARTED chapter.
this is sooooooo bad. you’d think an EIGHT YEAR
OLD KID wrote it or something. it’s like someone
took every stereotype they could find and just
threw them together. NO RHYME! NO REASON!!
dave’s right. we must be
missing something here.

well let me read the supplement
again. maybe i DID screw it up
somehow. we all know GARY
JACKSON’S PLAYTESTING
and QUALITY CONTROL DIVI-
SION is the best in the business.
you got that right! i’ve been trying to get my
stuff published by them for years. they’re that’s why they call
very DISCRIMINATING and ANAL him the GAWDFATHER
about what they will accept for publication. OF GAMING!!
yeah, that’s ‘cause GARY cares (sniff) he’s one of a
about his product. he wouldn’t kind. the BIG LUG!!
put his name on it if he didn’t!!

MEANWHILE AT HARD EIGHT ENTERPRISES≥≥≥

hi daddy!! mom said you want-
sir? your youngest son is here to ed to talk to me??
see you. should i send him on in??
look son, i know i promised you could continue
to develop the HEROES AND ZEROES line,
but we’ve been getting too many complaints.
i gotta take it away from you.
NO!! it’s mine!!
YOU
it breaks my heart, PROMISED!!
TIMMY, but i’m going to
have to move you over to
SPACEHACK for your next
three supplements.
(sigh) yeah, tuley!!
send him in. this is the
HARDEST thing i’ve
ever had to do. i don’t
want any interrup-
tions so hold all my
phone calls.

23
The Sting
sorry NEWT!! the HALF-OGRE hit you again for fifl points of damage!!! the MASSIVE BLOW sends KRAGIN THRIFT
AXE hurtling over the PRECIPICE. he lands in the ANGRY WHITE OCEAN where the POUNDING SURF embraces the
JAGGED ROCKS of HARD KNUCKLE POINT. THOUSANDS of STONE CRABS scurry from their lairs in the rocks to
feast on the soft fleshy parts of your body. the wind roars. TWO GNOMES who happened to be CRABBING on a small
boat just off shore LAUGH HYSTERICALLY at the spectacle of your DEMISE!! it is a story they will carry back with
them to the tavern after their day’s work. they will embellish the tale of course, adding their own curious brand of
GNOMISH HUMOR but you can be sure that the tale of KRAGIN VS. ATTICUS THE HALF OGRE will be told and
retold over the years, each story teller adding his own special touch to the story. this is how LEGENDS are born!!

they’re laughing “QQ39: putting spice back in

at me?? your flavor text”

well fortunately i let you guys talk me
into taking out that STEVIL’S GROUP
INSURANCE POLICY. i can’t believe
i kicked up such a fuss about it. guess that
ONE THOUSAND GOLD PIECE PER SES-
SION PREMIUM is going to pay off after
all. so how does this work? you guys
retrieve my body and get me raised - i know
that. but does my policy cover medical??
i’ll need substantial healing.
how does it work?? sorry to break this to you, guy. i know it’s tough -
you’re favorite character BITING the BIG ONE and all. but the way
this works is that the rest of us divvy up the ·,‚‚‚ GOLD PIECES you
paid toward your policy. we then buy a round of drinks and dance the
MOCKING JIG on your shallow grave. THAT”S HOW IT WORKS!!
sorry newt!! it’s an old practical consider yourself lucky,
joke they play on ALL the new i paid in ‡fi,‚‚‚ GP’s
guys. it’s tradition. they got me too before i caught on.
when i first joined the group.

surely you’re not going to we’re teaching

KEEP my money and leave of course it’s dishonest you dork!!
WE’RE CHAOTIC EVIL. you a valuable
me on the beach to ROT!! lesson, NEWT.
why....why, that would be my only regret is that you died TOO
SOON. i was hoping to get at least you take this
DISHONEST!!! don’t take it personal, and learn from
NEWT. we’re just being TEN GRAND for my share.
it. it will make
true to our characters. you a better
roleplayer.

24
 and the ›,fi‚‚ G.P.s
i’ve paid into the OLD well, NEWT no sense in moping about it. ya
ADVENTURERS’ gotta climb back on that horse and push
HOME and SOCIAL hey when a CASH COW onward! roll up a NEW CHARACTER and
SECURITY?? wanders into your backyard bring him to the game next week.
you MILK that DUMB
ANIMAL for every drop
you can get. face it NEWT,
sorry dude! there’s no room for the
WEAK and STUPID in the
world of HACKMASTER!

THE FOLLOWING WEEK≥≥ you’re playin’ a FREAKIN HALF_OGRE??

before we get started, why
don’t you tell us about your
NEW character newt.
oh, i’d be glad to sir. i was so impressed
by that HALF-OGRE who killed
KRAGIN last week that i decided to
play one myself. this is a first for me.
i’m sure it will be a challenge but
after reading up on HALF-OGRES
i really think i can pull this role off.
well this should be an interesting game.
my character, RASPUTIN just happens
to have a PSYCHOTIC AVERSION to
HALF-OGRES. i thought you knew that.
tough break, NEWT!! you’d
be advised to just roll up
another character and
save yourself the grief.

oh no, i think you’ll like this HALF_OGRE, stevil. i put i’m tellin’ ya straight up. LITTLE GRONDLE or whatever his
tons of work into his background and character. i’m sure name is, has the LIFE-EXPECTANCY of a TADPOLE in a
as you get to know him you will accept, GRONDLE TROUT POND. for you laymen, that’s about four seconds. ya
MOON-BARKER as a valuable member of the party. better take PETE”S advice and just roll up another character.
there’s no way RASPUTIN is gonna allow a HALF-OGRE to
join the party. COMPRENDE AMIGO?
ewwwwww, i see i’m not the the SIERRA
only one who’s read norman how can you say bowzer
LEAGUE threatened sucks? have you ever
bowzer’s MOON-BARKER to boycott hard8 if no offense, look, i’ve got a job so
TRILOGY. it’s a pity the but i reckon read his book, TROLL i can’t lay around all
they killed any more FURY?? it’s a classic.
third book never came out. trees publishing that i can play morning reading trash
horrible drivel. what novels and watching
bowzer SUCKS!! i wanna JERRY SPRINGER.
play.

25
 c’mon stevil, let the kid
tell you about his char- look, i even drew a picture of him.
acter before you make this portrays GRONDLE at the
any hasty decisions. BATTLE OF MOSS BEAR
ROCK!! see the scar on his cheek?
that’s where he took an ORC’S
ARROW after throwing himself in
harms way to save his commander.
oh great, so he’s the took an arrow for the brass
AUDY MURPHY of huh?? that’s just the kind of
HALF-OGRES eh? background flavor text the
gee, i’d feel real bad judges look for in tourna-
killing a war hero ments. GOOD STUFF!!! looks
but...uh....he’s dead like my character may have
meat if he tries to taken a few arrows himself.
join THIS party.

le
r ibb ble
sc crib
s

aww, c’mon stevil. i spent 19 hours working on sure, for a 5 percent

this character. what would it take for i suppose i could ADMINISTRATIVE
RASPUTIN to look the other way and let suddenly come down FEE. i’ll take payment
GRONDLE join up with the party?? HUH?? with a bad case of in advance. i’ll accept
TOLERANCE for fi,‚‚‚¿¿ that’s gems, magic items and
let’s say.....fi,‚‚‚ black mail ya any other appraised
GOLD PIECES!! know. will you put
look the other items of the equivelant
give the kid a way? i dunno, my it in writing? gold piece value.
break, stevil. he hatred of HALF-
drew a picture of OGRES runs i’ll witness the
him and everything. pretty darned transaction.
deep.

A FEW HOURS LATER≥≥

but he makes it SOOO easy!!
damn, newt. my heart goes out to ya. dammit stevil, will you like taking candy from a baby. what part of,
it really does. as soon as GRONDLE closes his eyes lay off the kid?? it’s “I”M EVIL - DON”T TRUST ME”
and goes to sleep, the camp site is filled with the not getting any easier doesn’t he understand??
sickening thud of RASPUTIN’S mace knocking you to find replacement
unconscious. he then proceeds to slowly decapitate players you know.
you with a BUTTER KNIFE, ties your headless
corpse to the tail of your horse and lashes the
beast across its hind quarters sending it crashing okay, next
through the night forest with a pack of starving hey i liked the five percent week it’s MY
administrative fee - that yeah, i came up
rabid wolves giving chase. with that on turn to shake
was a new one on me. the kid down.
but i had a the fly. pretty
WRITTEN live and slick eh??
CONTRACT!! learn!

26
W
riting this movie review column
is an interesting experience,
because I never know when I
head for the movies which movies will be
appropriate to talk about from a gamer’s
point of view. I see plenty of movies,
even movies I really love or really hate,
that never trigger a review because there
is no particular connection between the
movie and anything about gaming. Other times, there is a
gaming connection even when I don’t expect it. Often the
connection to gaming relates to how gamers would handle
the plot or situations if they were “playing the movie”.
Sometimes the connection is about plot holes, technical
inaccuracies, character inconsistencies, or such that a good
gaming session would avoid (maybe more writers should
playtest stuff before they write it, like they did with the orig-
inal Dragonlance trilogy). Sometimes the connection is a bit
of a stretch, but gets me to a gaming subject that I feel about
strongly enough to want to editorialize a bit.
This month’s movie, Sphere, as I am sure you will agree
once you see it, had almost nothing to do with a classic gam-
ing session. The story, by Michael Crichton (yes, the same
guy who gave us Jurrasic Park, Lost World, Disclosure,
Coma, The Andromeda Strain, and ER) basically involves
a team of adventurers. . .I mean, scientists. . .who have been
called together because of their various special classes. . .er,
skills. . .to go on a quest. . .well, investigation. . .in a deep
dark dungeon. . .actually, an underwater spaceship. . .to
explore, defeat any monsters. . .I mean, well actually mon-
sters is right. . ., and bring back invaluable treasure. . .in this
case, alien technology. The adventurers/scientists include a
fighter/military party leader, an illusionist/mathematician, a
ranger/biochemist, a magician/astrophysicist, and a
cleric/psychologist. All of the characters know each other
from before the adventure and have quirky character inter-
action issues that we learn more about during the course of
the adventure. The movie, like a linear hack and slash mod-
ule, has no real interest in letting any opening character
development occur, so we are hurriedly bundled into a short
briefing, then sent to the deep dungeon. . .er, spaceship. . .to
begin exploration.
Once the investigation begins, the party does pretty much
everything in a thoroughly unscientific and haphazard way.
They begin by working on opening a door with brute force,
without checking for traps, trying to figure out what is on the
other side, or preparing any defenses whatsoever for what
unknown wet fate may await them. Once inside (the door
mysteriously opens for them), they remark on how spooky it
is that the door mysteriously opened, then promptly split the
party to investigate. They trundle down catwalks past dark
pipes (I guess the art director liked the Alien movies) with-
out bothering to map or mark their path back to the exit. One
group finds a control room in the supposedly alien space-
craft and begins to press buttons, miraculously finding some
valuable, but mysterious, information. Of course, the group
ignores the equally valuable information literally surround-
ing the mysterious information (only the entire history of the
spacecraft; hardly worth looking at), which could have easi-
ly answered all of the questions they keep asking during the
rest of the module. . .I mean, screenplay. The other group
locates a mysterious sphere, which, of course, they prompt-
ly touch before really doing anything to figure it out. Beset
SPHERE
by Donald J. Bingle
A GAMER’S VIEW OF THE MOVIES
by random monsters and dangers, the party continually splits
up, bickers about events decades old, engages in jealous and
competitive rivalries, ignores some really odd behavior by
some of the party members, and generally acts less rational-
ly than the teenagers in a bad horror flick.
Once the group contacts the all-powerful OZ. . .in this
case an alien entity which speaks over the alternatingly
working, not working, burning, and broken computer termi-
nals. . .they figure out its decoding riddle in a nanosecond so
they can concentrate their considerable and varied intellects
on asking it inane and useless questions. Realizing its great
power, they immediately do their best to anger it by refusing
to converse long enough to gather any useful clues or infor-
mation. Their gratuitous dithering attracts random monsters,
which they then battle ineffectually for the rest of the flick.
They eventually discover that their nemesis can control real-
ity and that they themselves are the enemy. This concept,
while interesting (it was a major plot device in the first clas-
sic science fiction motion picture, Forbidden Planet, and
also appears in the current flick, Dark City), is not done par-
ticularly well. The PCs/scientists make no effort to really
control reality until the cute, but weak, end of the sce-
nario/film, at which time they utilize a power that I really
wish I could use with respect to this movie. I’ve run a few
tables of Timemaster using a reality shifting plot device
(neo-psychophysics was the name of it there) and the gamers
were much more imaginative and the intricacies of how the
reality shifting worked were much more interactive and sub-
tle than anything in the script for Sphere (or Dark City, for
that matter, which treats reality shifting, or “cubing” as they
call it, as a virulent form of the using “the Force” from Star
Wars fame that crescendos into a kind of psionics not seen
since the days of early AD&D or the movie Scanners).
A movie or game like this needs atmosphere and suspense
and there was precious little of either in Sphere. Instead,
there were random explosions, flickering lights, leaking
water, and really really bad sound quality. Dark City at
least had atmosphere (the look is an amalgam of Blade
Runner, The Crow, Batman, and old, black & white film
noir movies), though not much suspense or substance—I
suspect it will be popular with that segment of the gaming
crowd drawn to dark and surreal games heavy on atmos-
phere, like Vampire: The Masquerade. Neither film, how-
ever, matches the heroic spirit, the complex character inter-
action, the strategic problem solving, the intellectual chal-
lenge, or the feel of even the average horror/fantasy gaming
session. Avoid Sphere altogether (at least wait for video on
Dark City) and run a Cthulhu module or something for your
friends, instead. You’ll have a better time and almost cer-
tainly do a better job than the writers/producers/directors of
this month’s flick.❑
 News, Rumors and Industry Buzz plucked
HEA RD IT ON THE GAME VINE
HEY KIDS!!
Be a KODT
GameVine Cub
Reporter!!
Send your news items to
gamevine@aol.com
DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!
In a twist of irony, actor, Bill
Mumy will not be appearing in the
new movie, Lost in Space. All the
original cast members were offered
cameo appearances in the movie.
Mummy reportedly was holding out
for a more substantial role in the
movie. (Though his publicist claims
his work schedule on Babylon 5
prevented him from making such an
appearance.)
Why ironic? Lost in Space fans
may recall that Mummy campaigned
Hollywood for years to do a Lost in
Space movie.❑
Game Vine™??
What the hell is Game Vine™? Game Vine is a new column where you can put an ear
to the wall and catch up on what’s going on in the game industry. Month to month we
will be plucking choice bits of news, gossip and rumor and gather them together to run
here for your reading enjoyment. Basically, if it’s of interest to gamers it’s fair game
for the Game Vine. We need your help!! Keep us in mind while you are attending con-
ventions, surfing the net or hanging out at the counter at your local gameshop.
If you stumble across something newsworthy, funny, or simply amusing please let us
know. You can email your news item directly to gamevine@aol.com or mail it to
Gamevine c/o KODT, 1003 Monroe Pike, Marion, IN 46953.
Look Who’s Talkin!
“The man can climb like a ringtail lemur!”
Seinfeld: Kramer describing how Newman climbed a tree.
“Our industry is in a state of flux. The manufacturers who should be
providing vision and leadership either aren’t or they have a vision
that leads them to glory regardless of the consequences to the rest
of us.”
Michael Stackpole, State of the Gaming Industry 98, Comics Retailer #73
“There’s nothing like role-playing. No other game can completely sim-
ulate or duplicate the wonderful interaction and storytelling that role-
playing games offer, so there will always be a market for them.”
Kevin Siembieda, The Big Interview, Comics Retailer #73
“ Dig a hole in your back yard while it’s raining. Sit in the hole until
the water climbs up around your ankles. Pour cold mud down your
shirt collar. Now sit there for forty-eight hours, and, so there is no
danger of your dozing off, imagine a guy is sneaking around in the
dark waiting for a chance to club you on the head and set your
house on fire.”
Bill Mauldin from Up Front, on understanding the combat soldier.
“ Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what they are
going to have for lunch.”
Seen on T-shirt at GenCon 97
MST3K Saved From
the Grave!
After a close brush with cancella-
tion a few years ago, Mystery
Science Theater 3000 has stepped
into it’s ninth season.
The Sci Fi Channel has ordered 13
new episodes with an option for nine
more. Ratings plummeted for the
show when it left the Comedy
Channel two seasons ago but Sci Fi
reports that ratings have improved.
The show has proven to be a sur-
vivor. When creator, Joel Hodgson
left the show in 1993, fans wondered tionally cut the ‘quips per minute’ by
if the show could survive the shake the stars. The show was averaging 700
up. The debut episode was a big hit quips per episode and it was felt all
with this viewer.
The show seemed funnier than it the ‘cramming’ was killing the humor.
has for a long time. The show’s writ- Based on the season premiere, I think
ers have announced they have inten- they made a good call.❑
from the vine for your reading enjoyment

Cheers
• Monty Python Tribute
Currently airing on HBO. First time then
entire cast of Monty Python has appeared
on stage together in 18 years!!
Jeers
• Court TV
For confusing role-playing games with
cults and satanic worship in their cover-
age of the Ron Jerrald (Vampire Killer) trial.

GAMA TRADE SHOW ‘98 FIELD REPORT

G
TS is a non- remark and apologized to the fish.
consumer Another highlight was the Precedence Publishing
KISS
THE show where Party on Saturday night.
FISH!! hobby game profes- Host, Paul Brown learned why it’s not a good idea to
sionals gather each leave a ‘live microphone’ lying around after Dave
year to show off new Kenzer spent the
products and cement better part of forty FREE
business relationships. minutes annoucing BALLOONS
AND CANDY??
It’s also a chance to over the P.A., HOODY
form new friendships “Johansson! Party HOO!!
and renew old ones. This year’s show was recently of Four! Your table
held in Miami, Florida (April 2-6). is ready!” and
Although retailer attendance seemed down this year, “PUT THE GUN
the show was a great chance for manufacturers to meet DOWN - NOW!!”
face-to-face with their distributors, customers and Many thanks to the
peers. It was also a pretty good time. Show highlights Precedence folks
included the KenzerCo balloon launch. Monty Python for being such good
booster packs were seen descending from above over sports.
many different exhibit booths. Special thanks to Knights of the
Wargames West for the balloons and especially the Dinner Table was a
helium! Among the game designers who stopped by huge hit among
the KenzerCo booth to join Brian Jelke and Dave retailers at the
Kenzer in kissing the fish included Terry Eldrige of show. It seemed all
Thunder Castle. “It wasn’t quite as satisfying as I of them had the same comment, “We can’t keep it on
thought it might be.” he commented. the shelf!” (When we suggested they attach the maga-
After being wrestled to the ground and forced to kiss zine to the shelves using velcro or tape they would ner-
the fish a second time, Terry quickly retracted his vously back away from our booth and walk away.)
To our surprise, several retailers had never seen
≥≥≥but then he got ambushed by a
GOLEM and died. he was my favorite KODT (though most of them had heard about it from
character. once i played a dwarf called fans). We encourage our readers to make it their per-
PIXEL. man was he kewl. he once.≥≥≥ sonal responsibility to turn others on to the best gaming
magazine since Gary Jackson’s Hack Journal. Life as
KISS we know it may be at stake.
THE FISH!!
We’re really excited about some of the opportunities
discussed at the show and were proud to announce the
new KODT print run of 10,000 copies. When asked to
comment on KODT’s success, Ken Whitman of
Archangel Entertainment and Lou Rexing of
Mayfair simply had this to say, “Hoody Hoo!”.
Thanks to all our fans for your support and remember
that 1998 has only just begun.
Brian Jelke
 Life’s a Three Stooges Card Game
BRIAN’S SMALL PRESS PICKS
Game!! Price: $8.95 possible with ducks, the old switch-
PLAY!! Archangel Entertainment a-roo and more. The rules are sim-
P. O. Box 481 ple and play is fast. This is a hilari-
Lake Geneva, WI 53147 ous, light-hearted game that really
captures the magic of the classic
(414)248-7189
comedy trio. I advise all gamers to
archangel@archangelent.com
carry this game with them for a
Another winner from AAE. quick slap session anytime.
The object of this stand alone Brian’s Rating: Go out and
game is to slap, poke and bonk buy it now
your way to victory by inflicting
as much imaginary
damage as possible on
your fellow stooges.
How many people have
ever imitated the three
stooges? A nyuk, nyuk
here and an eye gouge
there. Defensive
maneuvers are also

Troll Magazine
Price: $3.95 each
Editor: Richard Stalder
Eclipse Studios
P.O. Box 1012, Kearney, MO 64060
Email: eclipse@uit.net
_____
Tired of magazines which are little more than house organs or don’t give
you enough role-playing punch for your dollar? You may want to ask your
local gameshop owner to pick up Troll Magazine.
Troll was launched last summer at GenCon with a special zero-issue. As
of this writing the third issue is out and the magazine really seems to be
hitting its stride. What I love best about this magazine is that it’s like an old
friend. Regular writers include Gary Gygax, James Lowder, Ed
Greenwood, Dale Donovan, Rob Kuntz, and more.
The magazine has heavy emphasis on role-playing. No articles on col-
lectible card games, collectible dice, POGs or their ilk here.
Brian’s Rating: Worth checking out!!

YO!! MR. GAME PUBLISHER¡¡

i can’t review yer stuff if i don’t see
it!! be sure to place KODT on your
mail list for REVIEW MATERIAL
and PRESS RELEASES!!

ship to:
KODT, 1003 monroe pike
marion, in 46953
 ATTENTION GPA MEMBERS!!! Place an ad in WEIRD PETE’S BULLETIN BOARD. It’s an inexpensive way to reach your target audience.
YOU’RE READIN’ THIS AIN’T YA??? (contact Mr. Ashton at weirdpete@aol.com for an ad rate sheet)

BenCon will be held May 21-24 at the Algernon,

EW wrote, some portals open to one place,
Doubletree Stapleton in Denver, Colorado.
some to two places, you never chose, where
Don’t miss your chance to give Don Bingle you come from determines where you go.
your feelings on Starship Troopers.

WEIRD PETE’S BULLETIN BOARD

Gatekeeper
Experienced GM seeks players in Edgerton, CONVENTION ORGANIZERS!!
Ohio area. If interested please contact Andy Are you interested in having a special KODT
Miller at (419) 298-2493. VIP [Jolly Blackburn or one of his elves] at
your con? Can you cover travel & lodging? If so,
contact Brian Jelke at restin@aol.com
or (650) 233-8270 with convention dates, location
and projected attendance.

WEIRD PETE”S BULLETIN BOARD

WANTED is a meeting place where readers may pass
along information, barter, trade and gossip.
yer KODT story ideas!! Readers are invited to place classified ads,
got a funny story you think would make a great KODT strip?? announce group meetings, seek out other
players, etc. Subscribers of KODT may
e-mail kenzerco@aol.com for submission guidelines. place classified ads free of charge with a
limit of one ad per issue and a maximum of
twenty-five words. Non-Subscribers may
place ads at the rate of 50¢ per word with a
limit of 25 words. Companies may place ads
at the following rates: [5.5 inches x 2 inches
- 50 dollars], [2.75 inches x 2 inches - 25 dol-
lars], [1.5 inches x 1 inch - 10 dollars]. Non-
profit organizations (serving the gaming
community) and Conventions/Seminars may
place ads for free. All ads are placed on a
first-come-first serve basis with subscribers
Just a reminder, KODT #4 [Have Dice Will Travel] is still available for only $5.95! having priority.

Introducing the KODT

Buyers Guild:

ty
Mon n
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Tragee Boo ks
in th se of Pac 9
$2.4
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Sec ple of Bro 7
Tem jy $6.9
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$6.9
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dom mpa orde
King mar ca
Kala ing $20
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sett

Joining this exclusive members-only organization entitles you to special deals on Kenzer and
Company’s entire line of quality gaming products.
• Kingdoms of Kalamar products 30% off. That’s right, you can get the deluxe
boxed campaign setting for only $20.97* and Tragedy in the House of Brodeln or
Secret Temple of Adajy for only $6.97†.
• Free shipping on back issues of Knights of the Dinner Table.
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail CCG booster packs only $2.49‡.
To purchase any of these items, send a check or money
Membership is $10/year or FREE for sub- order (made payable to Kenzer and Company) to:
______________________
scribers to Knights of the Dinner Table. Kenzer & Company
Mail Order Fulfillments
HOODY HOO!!! 2094 Camino a los Cerros, Menlo Park, CA 94025
_______________________
or fax/E-mail [kenzerco@aol.com] a valid Visa, MasterCard,
* $2 shipping and handling fee applies or Discover card number, your signature, card type and expi-
† $1 shipping and handling fee applies ration date to us at (650) 233-8270. Please mention “KBG-5”.
‡ 25¢ shipping and handling fee per pack applies
 TRUE GAMER CONFESSIONS
WHEN ROLE-PLAYING AND REAL LIFE COLLIDE

Samir : Weapons? Modern or what ever is currently

O nce when I was full into gaming (I was twenty and
worked eight hours a day and gamed ten) a friend and
I went out drinking before the weekly game session. We
available?
Doering : The best I can afford.
were pretty messed up when we arrived. (we really Samir : Okay I will draw up the cost and let you know if
shouldn't have been driving). The week before the party you can afford this venture.
had been summoning demons to loose on a town. Doering : Bye
Anyway, we arrive at the house and enter screaming "We (Bajan was a planet that the players were having prob-
are ready to summon demons!!!" I was still yelling lems with)
"HELL YEAH" When my friend turned and shoved me Later the next day I was suddenly called to the comman-
PARTING SHOTS

out the door. ders office....the phones were being monitored.

It turned out that all those track houses looked pretty
much the same - especially at night and when you are
drunk. We were in the house NEXT to the right house. The
worst thing was that the neighbor was a minister having a
prayer meeting when we walked in screaming.
Luke Ahearn
New Orleans, LA
__________
B ack when I was in the military I worked in the
Nuclear Weapons Job field, (Imagine that, a gamer in
charge of Nuclear weapons!) One day while at work I get
a call from a gaming buddy:
Samir : Hello building ______ can I help you?
Chuck : Hey I am really upset with Jeri and I wanna send
him a letter bomb!
Samir :Okay, do you care about the postal employees or is
Jeri just your target?
Chuck : Just Jeri.
Samir : Okay, I will work up the spec and let you know the
cost and success later.
Chuck :Thanks, bye!
(Jeri was an NPC in a sci fi game I was running, more an
irritant then villain)
Later that day still at work.
Samir : Hello
Doering : Hi, I wanna hire Mercenaries to take Bajan.
Samir : Hmm do you need ships?
Doering : Yeah, three companies worth.
MnyHeart
via E-mail
_________
B ack in 1982 my friends and I decided to go down to
the local library to run a game of The Fantasy Trip.
Things got pretty intense when one player stole a magic
item from another.
As I tried my best to push the adventure along they kept
bickering across the table. The one player kept saying to
the other, “You just wait. I’m just going to wait until
you’re sleeping and then I’m going to cut your throat
with my dagger and take my ring back.”
About ten minutes later two uniformed police officers
walked cautiously into the Alcove where we were play-
ing. We were totally confused and a bit shaken as they
ordered us stand up. While we were being patted down, I
asked one of the officer’s what the problem was.
Instead of answering me he turned me around and said,
“Okay, we know one of you has a knife and we know
one of you threatened to cut someone’s throat with it.”
Simultaneously we all broke out in laughter. After a bit of
explaining the red faced police officers explained that the
acoustics in the library were very good. Someone in
another alcove had heard just enough of our game ses-
sion to get the wrong impression, causing them to franti-
cally dial 911.
Richard Henson
Salt Lake City, Ut

A Moment in
Gaming History #36
He was a man ahead of his time.
In 1863, Horatio Atlas Blackburn IV
cast the very first polyhedron, an 8-
sider, using low grade pig iron. The
23.8 pound die had no practical
application at the time and was con-
sidered a novelty. Horatio hawked
his polyhedrons at state and county
fairs over the years slowly adding
10, 12 and 20 siders to the line.
Sinking the family fortune into his
venture, Horatio died a broke and
bitter man in 1921. Failing to patent
his inventions, his heirs would not be
able to cash in on the RPG craze of Horatio Blackburn standing in front of his Polyhedron Foundry in the fall of
the 1930’s ❑ 1864 near Badger Grove, Indiana off state road 18.
Hot off the Presses...
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