Script Word Doc Olivia

Olivia
Junior Script
by
Malcolm Sircom
17/110416/6 ISBN: 978 1 84237 093 3

Published by
Musicline Publications
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Tamworth
Staffordshire
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All Rights Strictly Reserved.

Olivia (Junior) – Script 1
CONTENTS
Cast List .............................................................................................................................. 2

Speaking Roles By Number Of Lines................................................................................ 4
Cast List In Alphabetical Order (With Line Count)........................................................... 5
List Of Characters In Each Scene ..................................................................................... 6
List Of Properties ............................................................................................................... 7
Production Notes ................................................................................................................ 9
Scene One: Mrs. Murdstone’s Orphanage For Girls ............................................12
Track 1: Orphans ...........................................................................................12
Track 2: Slop!.................................................................................................17
Track 3: Orphans (Reprise) ...........................................................................20
Scene Two: A Country Lane ................................................................................21
Track 4: Happiness Somewhere ....................................................................21
Scene Three: Covent Garden, London ...................................................................23
Track 5: London .............................................................................................23
Track 6: I Want To Be A Lady ........................................................................25
Track 7: Good Times .....................................................................................29
Track 8: Let’s Go To The Opera ....................................................................34
Scene Four: Mrs. Dilber’s Poor School For Girls ..................................................37
Track 9: If There’s A Star ...............................................................................39
Track 10: That’s Life! .......................................................................................41
Scene Five: Covent Garden.................................................................................42
Track 11: The Charity Rag ...............................................................................44
Scene Six: Sherlock Holmes’s Study .................................................................48
Track 12: Who Am I? .......................................................................................50
Scene Seven: The Savoy Theatre (On Stage) ........................................................51
Track 13: Here Comes The Judge ...................................................................51
Track 14: The Criminal’s Song.........................................................................52
Track 15: The Convict’s Child ..........................................................................53
Track 16: The Criminal’s Song (Reprise) .........................................................54
Scene Eight: Covent Garden.................................................................................55
Track 17: If There’s A Star (Reprise) ...............................................................57
Track 18: Olivia (Finale) ...................................................................................60
Photocopiable Lyrics ........................................................................................................62
© Musicline Publications Ltd.

2 Olivia (Junior) – Script
CAST LIST
N.B. In the following list, the bracketed number shows the number of spoken lines
each role has.
An asterisk (*) before the character’s name indicates that this character ALSO has
solo or featured sung lines.
FEMALE
* Olivia (138) An orphan girl, 10-12 years old [who is also The Daughter
in “Trial By Judge”]
* Mrs. Murdstone (45) A cruel, tyrannical middle-aged Harridan in charge of an
Orphanage
* Eliza Doolittle (106) Leader of the group of flower-sellers
* Annie (50) Well-spoken flower-seller
Queenie (34) A flower-seller
Doris (29) A flower-seller
Flo (28) A flower-seller
* Mrs. Dilber (44) Middle-aged owner of a Poor School, as nice as
Mrs.Murdstone is nasty
Mrs. Hudson (3) Sherlock Holmes’ housekeeper
* Emily (4) A poor school girl
* Charlotte (3) A poor school girl
Girl 1 (10) A poor school girl
Orphan 1 (20) A poor school girl
Placard Girl (1) A poor school girl
* The Fat Lady (0) Opera singer
Plus:- Chorus of Londoners & Opera-Goers, and Chorus in “Trial By Judge”. Feel
free to augment the groups of Girls and Orphans too.

MALE
Dicken (35) Handyman at the orphanage, not the brightest knife in the
drawer, but kindly
Ebenezer Scrooge (17)
George Bernard Shaw (34)
* Fagin (62) [Who can also be The Judge in “Trial By Judge”]
* The Artful Dodger (42) [Who is also The Criminal in “Trial By Judge”]
Lamplighter (3)
Sherlock Holmes (32)
Doctor Watson (14)
Gentleman (2)
* The Usher (2) In “Trial By Judge” [could be female]
The Judge (15) In “Trial By Judge” [if not Fagin]
The Police Constable (9) In “Trial By Judge”
Plus:- Chorus of Londoners, Fagin’s “Ghost Gang” (8 boys), Opera-Goers, and

Chorus in “Trial By Judge”

SPEAKING ROLES BY NUMBER OF LINES
N.B. In the following list, the number shows how many spoken lines each role has.
* Olivia/Daughter .............................................................................................................. 138

* Eliza Doolittle ................................................................................................................. 106
* Fagin ................................................................................................................................ 62
* Annie ................................................................................................................................ 50
* Mrs. Murdstone ................................................................................................................ 45
* Mrs. Dilber ........................................................................................................................ 44
* The Artful Dodger/Criminal ............................................................................................... 42
Dicken................................................................................................................................. 35
George Bernard Shaw ........................................................................................................ 34
Queenie .............................................................................................................................. 34
Sherlock Holmes ................................................................................................................ 32
Doris ................................................................................................................................... 29
Flo ...................................................................................................................................... 28
Orphan 1............................................................................................................................. 20
Orphan 2............................................................................................................................. 20
Ebenezer Scrooge .............................................................................................................. 17
The Judge........................................................................................................................... 15
Doctor Watson .................................................................................................................... 14
Orphan 4............................................................................................................................. 14
Orphan 3............................................................................................................................. 13
Girl 1 ................................................................................................................................... 10
Girl 2 ................................................................................................................................... 10
Girl 3 ..................................................................................................................................... 9
The Police Constable ........................................................................................................... 9
Girl 4 ..................................................................................................................................... 8
* Emily .................................................................................................................................. 4
* Charlotte............................................................................................................................. 3
Lamplighter ........................................................................................................................... 3
Mrs. Hudson ......................................................................................................................... 3
* The Usher .......................................................................................................................... 2
Gentleman ............................................................................................................................ 2
Placard Girl ........................................................................................................................... 1

CAST LIST IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER (WITH LINE COUNT)
N.B. In the following list, the number shows how many spoken lines each role has.
* Annie ................................................................................................................................ 50
* Charlotte............................................................................................................................. 3
Dicken................................................................................................................................. 35
Doctor Watson .................................................................................................................... 14
Doris ................................................................................................................................... 29
Ebenezer Scrooge .............................................................................................................. 17
* Eliza Doolittle ................................................................................................................. 106
* Emily .................................................................................................................................. 4
* Fagin ................................................................................................................................ 62
Flo ...................................................................................................................................... 28
Gentleman ............................................................................................................................ 2
George Bernard Shaw ........................................................................................................ 34
Girl 1 ................................................................................................................................... 10
Girl 2 ................................................................................................................................... 10
Girl 3 ..................................................................................................................................... 9
Girl 4 ..................................................................................................................................... 8
Lamplighter ........................................................................................................................... 3
* Mrs. Dilber ........................................................................................................................ 44
Mrs. Hudson ......................................................................................................................... 3
* Mrs. Murdstone ................................................................................................................ 45
* Olivia/Daughter .............................................................................................................. 138
Orphan 1............................................................................................................................. 20
Orphan 2............................................................................................................................. 20
Orphan 3............................................................................................................................. 13
Orphan 4............................................................................................................................. 14
Placard Girl ........................................................................................................................... 1
Queenie .............................................................................................................................. 34
Sherlock Holmes ................................................................................................................ 32
* The Artful Dodger/Criminal ............................................................................................... 42
The Judge........................................................................................................................... 15
The Police Constable ........................................................................................................... 9
* The Usher .......................................................................................................................... 2
Non-speaking roles: The Fat Lady (who sings solo), Chorus of Londoners & Opera-
Goers, Chorus in “Trial By Judge”, Fagin’s “Ghost Gang” (8 boys). Feel free to
augment the groups of Girls and Orphans too.

LIST OF CHARACTERS IN EACH SCENE
Scene One Scene Five

Chorus of Orphans Annie
Dicken Charlotte
Mrs. Murdstone Doris
Olivia Ebenezer Scrooge
Orphan 1 Eliza Doolittle
Orphan 2 Emily
Orphan 3 Fagin
Orphan 4 Flo
Olivia
Scene Two Queenie
Dicken The Artful Dodger
Olivia
Scene Six
Scene Three Annie
Annie Doctor Watson
Chorus (of Fagin's Gang) Eliza Doolittle
Chorus (of Londoners) Mrs. Hudson
Doris Placard Girl
Ebenezer Scrooge Sherlock Holmes
Eliza Doolittle
Fagin Scene Seven
Flo Chorus
Gentleman Criminal (Dodger)
George Bernard Shaw Daughter (Olivia)
Lamplighter The Judge
Olivia The Police Constable
Queenie The Usher
The Artful Dodger
The Fat Lady Scene Eight
All
Scene Four
Charlotte
Eliza Doolittle
Emily
Girl 1
Girl 2
Girl 3
Girl 4
Mrs. Dilber
Olivia
Poor School Girls

LIST OF PROPERTIES
Throughout
Olivia & Annie wear lockets round their necks.
Scene One [Orphanage]

Sign reading “Mrs. Murdstone’s Orphanage for Girls” ..........................................Scene Prop
Table set with bowls and spoons ..........................................................................Scene Prop
Benches for the girls to sit on (Optional) ...............................................................Scene Prop
Tureen of slop with ladle set on table ...................................................................Scene Prop
Bunch of keys hanging from waist ............................................................................... Dicken
Scene Three [Covent Garden]

Green flowers in buttonholes ................................................................. 2 or 3 men in Chorus
5 baskets of flowers .................................................................................. The Flower-Sellers
Coin ....................................................................................................................... Gentleman
Mittens ....................................................................................................................... Scrooge
Walking stick.............................................................................................................. Scrooge
Handkerchief or tissue ....................................................................................................... Flo
Penny ............................................................................................................................ Fagin
Top hat (Optional) ................................................................................ George Bernard Shaw
Two wallets .......................................................................................... George Bernard Shaw
Two one pound notes .......................................................................... George Bernard Shaw
Two opera tickets ............................................................................................. Artful Dodger
Lamplighter’s pole ................................................................................................Lamplighter
Wagnerian outfit: breast plate, spear, horned helmet etc. ................................. The Fat Lady
Scene Five [Covent Garden]

5 baskets of flowers, as before ................................................................. The Flower-Sellers
3 Collecting tins ................................................................................ Olivia, Emily & Charlotte
Coins and notes..................................................................................................... The Crowd
3 coins (could be in a purse) ..................................................................... Ebenezer Scrooge
Scene Six [Sherlock Holme’s Study]

Tray of tea and Victoria sponge, with appropriate crockery ........ Mrs. Hudson or Scene Prop
Placard reading “The Savoy Theatre” ...................................................................Placard Girl

Scene Seven [Savoy Theatre]

Long table and chairs or benches, courtroom style ..............................................Scene Prop
Handkerchief ........................................................................................................ The Judge
Five pound note ................................................................................................. The Criminal
Scene Eight [Covent Garden]

5 baskets of flowers, as before ................................................................. The Flower-Sellers

PRODUCTION NOTES
STAGING
Scene One is set inside Mrs Murdstone’s Orphanage for Girls. It is a terrible, dismal and
drab place. A refectory table is centre stage and set on it are basic bowls with spoons, a
steaming cauldron of vile gruel and a serving ladle. There can be basic benches or forms
for the girls to sit on.
Scene Two is set in front of a cloth or the house tabs and is a link scene allowing the main
set to be changed from the Orphanage to Covent Garden. It needs little in the way of set
props, but could utilize such items as a sign post or mile stone, field gate etc.
Scenes Three, Five & Eight are full sets with a backdrop revealing Covent Garden. If
space permits, there could be costermonger barrows or wagons, otherwise the backdrop
could suggest their presence.
Scene Four – Mrs Dilber’s Poor School for Girls can be a half set with the next scene set
behind it. Tabs, cloth or flats depicting the interior of an early 1800’s classroom and maybe
a couple of desks and forms would complete the set; nothing too elaborate in terms of set
props as it is a quick change to the next scene.
Scene Six being Sherlock Holmes’s study is depicted by a vast array of books and some
comfortable chairs. There is probably a desk or bureau that Holmes would sit at when
writing his notes. It is not crucial to the plot however.
Scene Seven – on stage at the Savoy Theatre – is depicted by a courtroom setting. A small
dock for the convict to appear in and a lectern or similar, with a gavel and block will indicate
the courtroom. This may be enhanced with forms for the jury or whatever as resources
allow. It is a stage setting though and not intended to be an accurate courtroom setting.
CHOREOGRAPHY
In Track 1, the girls march in tempo in three distinct groups, along the lines of “Food,
Glorious Food” in the film Oliver. They group up for the ending.
Track 2 – Slop: The Orphans, including Olivia go up to the table, collect their bowls and
spoons, then return to their places, sit cross-kneed or on forms, and eat the slop, all in the
tempo of the song.
In Track 7 - Good Times, Fagin’s gang appear, either behind a gauze, or in greenish
lighting to make them ghost-like, and acknowledge their names in the song with a small arm
gesture.

Let’s Go To The Opera – Track 8 has a waltz set within it for the chorus to waltz on to and
off to the Opera House.
In Track 11 - The Charity Rag, there is an opportunity for the charity collectors to be
choreographed to the music as they collect the donations from the crowd.
COSTUME
Much of the costume for this show draws on that used for other popular shows of the
period, such as Oliver, My Fair Lady, Ebenezer Scrooge etc. Specifically, certain characters
should be costumed as follows:
Olivia Long, ragged skirt. Lacy top and shawl. All dirty and unkempt.
Mrs. Murdstone Ankle length pinafore front dress, blouse with lace sleeve
cuffs, mop cap.
Eliza Doolittle Ankle length skirt, apron, bloomers, blouse, velvety jacket,
matching hat.
Annie As above.
Queenie As above.
Doris As above.
Flo As above.
Mrs. Dilber Ankle length skirt, blouse, jacket.
Mrs. Hudson Ankle length pinafore front dress, bloomers, blouse with lace
cuffs, mop cap.
Emily & Charlotte As Olivia.
Placard Girl As Olivia.
Chorus of Orphans As Olivia for girls, shorts, boots ragged shirts, flat caps for
boys.
Orphans 1-4 As Olivia.
Poor school girls As Olivia but not ragged, dirty or unkempt.
Girls 1-4 As Olivia but not ragged, dirty or unkempt.
Londoners & Opera-goers Period style costume, including parasols for the ladies.
Gentleman As Londoners (no parasol!).
Dicken Well worn trousers and boots. Shirt with rolled up sleeves, flat
cap.
Ebenezer Scrooge Black Trousers, spats, black shoes, black waistcoat and
jacket, top hat and overcoat with cape. Walking cane.
George Bernard Shaw 3 piece suit (could be tweed), shirt with collar and tie, top hat
and, of course, full beard.
Fagin Battered hat, tatty, non-matching 3 piece suit and large
overcoat. Shirt with cravat.
The Artful Dodger Crumpled top hat, large overcoat, dirty shirt and cravat.

Lamplighter Anything pertaining to the period. Some wore bowler hats and
brown tweed suits but anything of the era would be fine.
Sherlock Holmes Classic costume with Deer-stalker hat.
Doctor Watson Classic costume with bowler hat.
LIGHTING AND SOUND
Lighting
Scene One is set in Mrs Murdstone’s Orphanage, which is a dim and dreary place.
However, the lighting needs to allow the audience to see the characters and therefore,
whilst the overall effect is dingy, specific acting areas need to be illuminated. If possible,
use yellows etc. to give the right effect. There is a ‘window’ off stage to which the orphans
run to watch the chase when Olivia escapes. This can be effected by a spotlight set in the
wings, with perhaps a bluish tinge and a ‘window effect gobo’ focused onto the stage floor.
Scene Two. No specific lighting required.
Scene Three needs coolish lighting if possible, to create a morning feel to Covent Garden.
Later in the scene (when Fagin’s gang appears at Song 7) the lighting is brought up on the
gang using floor lights and spots with a greenish tinge to them. The lighting returns to
normal at the end of the song. Progressively, the lighting should warm throughout the scene
as the day unfolds so that by the time the lamplighter enters, we have moved through to
evening. A spotlight should be focused on the ‘Fat Lady’ as she enters for her song.
Scene Four requires no specific lighting effects.
Scene Five should be lit as for the start of Scene Three.
Scene Six – in Holmes’s study - would benefit if possible, from general lighting to enhance
the feel of the period: possibly light from a window, gaslights illuminating the room with a
yellowish tinge, or something else along those lines. A spotlight is required at the end of the
scene to illuminate the character carrying the placard, to separate the actor from the main
scene.
Scene Seven is set on stage at the Savoy Theatre. If you have the resources, just make it
very theatrical with the lighting, remembering that footlights were the norm for this period.
Scene Eight should be brightly lit for the Finale of the show.
Sound Effects (SFX)

There are no specific sound effects required in this show.

SCENE ONE: MRS. MURDSTONE’S ORPHANAGE FOR GIRLS
(There could be a sign on the back wall reading Mrs. Murdstone’s orphanage for
girls. The setting is as drab and dismal as possible. There is a table set with bowls
and spoons, a steaming cauldron full of goo, and a serving ladle.)
TRACK 1: ORPHANS
(The first group of Orphans marches on.)
GROUP 1: ORPHANS, ORPHANS, ORPHANS, ORPHANS,

SHUT UP IN AN ORPHANAGE DAY AND NIGHT.
(The second group marches on. The two groups sing simultaneously:)
GROUP 1: GROUP 2:
ORPHANS, ORPHANS, ORPHANS, ORPHANS,
AH. WORKING HARD AS SLAVES,
DO YOU THINK THAT’S RIGHT?
(The third group marches on. The three groups sing simultaneously:)
GROUPS 1 & 2: GROUP 3:

AH. NOBODY TO LISTEN
AH, AH. TO OUR PLIGHT.
ALL: MRS. MURDSTONE IS IN CHARGE.

GROUP 3: SHE’S ROUGH,
GROUP 2: SHE’S TOUGH,
GROUP 1: SHE’S EVER SO LARGE.
GROUP 3: SHE TREATS US LIKE WE WERE DIRT.
ALL: SHE’S LIKE A SERGEANT-MAJOR IN A SKIRT!
NO-ONE CARES ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF SIGHT!
(SHOUTED) IT’S NOT RIGHT!
(After applause, all the Orphans start girl-chatter. Enter Mrs. Murdstone, a fearsome,
cruel, middle-aged female.)
ORPHAN 3: It’s Mrs. Murdstone!

(The Orphans scream.)
MRS. M: Silence when you scream!
(All fall silent.)
MRS. M: You need discipline – rigid discipline, iron discipline; and I, Mrs.
Murdstone will apply that discipline. So answer when I speak to you.
Good morning, girls.
THE ORPHANS: (Cowed) Good morning, Mrs. Murdstone.
MRS. M: I trust you’re all ready for another day’s hard work?
(The Orphans groan.)
MRS. M: Silence when you groan! Let me repeat the rules of this establishment.
You will not chatter, talk or gossip, except in the times stipulated in the
regulations. Which are – to remind you - two minute’s chatter every
hour, and after your work is finished for the day, you may have half an
hour’s riotous and girlish behaviour – for which I will take great
pleasure in punishing you.
I know it’s breakfast time, but today, we have a new orphan joining us.
(She calls into the wings/offstage.) Step this way, if you please,
young lady.
(Enter OLIVIA.)
MRS. M: This is Olivia. I will delay breakfast by a few minutes while you get
acquainted. You may talk with her till I return – but don’t expect treats
like this every day! (She exits.)
ORPHAN 1: Hello, Olivia.
OLIVIA: Hello.
ORPHAN 1: Come and sit down, and tell us all about yourself.
(The Orphans sit down and Olivia joins them.)
OLIVIA: Nothing much to tell, really. I’ve just come from the St. Francis
Convent.
ORPHAN 2: What was it like?
OLIVIA: Terrible. The nuns were so strict, they never allowed us any fun.
ORPHAN 2: Well, I warn you, Olivia, you’ll think of it as heaven compared to this
place.
OLIVIA: Oh, I can’t believe that. The Mother Superior ruled us with a rod of iron.

Talk about a tyrant.

ORPHAN 3: Your Mother Superior is a pussycat compared with Mrs. Murdstone.
ORPHAN 1: She’s horrible.
ORPHAN 2: She’s cruel.
ORPHAN 4: She has the foulest temper.
ORPHAN 1: Why, if we even so much as cough when we’re supposed to be silent,
we get punished.
ORPHAN 3: Where is your convent, Olivia?
OLIVIA: Just outside Stockport.
ORPHAN 1: Why did you leave it, and come here to Manchester?
OLIVIA: I didn’t leave. The nuns threw me out. I kept misbehaving.
ORPHAN 2: What did you do?
OLIVIA: I flicked ink pellets at the Sisters when their backs were turned.
(The Orphans giggle.).
OLIVIA: I drew a moustache on a picture of the Order’s founder.
(More giggles.)
OLIVIA: And I burped after meals.
(More giggles.)
ORPHAN 4: Well, you won’t burp after meals here. You’ll more likely throw up.
OLIVIA: Why, what are they like?
ORPHAN 1: They’re the same every day.
ORPHAN 2: Breakfast, dinner and tea, it’s the same revolting swill. It’s…it’s… (She
struggles to describe it.)…yucky!
ORPHAN 3: It’s garbage!
ALL ORPHANS: It’s slop!
OLIVIA: Why do you put up with it?
ORPHAN 4: What else can we do? Nowhere else we can go. No parents.
ORPHAN 1: No relations.
ORPHAN 2: Some of us remember our parents.
ORPHAN 3: Most of us don’t.
ORPHAN 2: Do you remember yours, Olivia?
OLIVIA: No. I think they died in an accident when I was a baby. But look… (She
takes a locket from around her neck.) This might be my mother...

(The Orphans gather round to look, and express admiration, etc.)
ORPHAN 4: She’s very like you.

ORPHAN 1: She must be your mother.
OLIVIA: Perhaps she is – but I’ll never know.
ORPHAN 2: You mustn’t let Mrs. Murdstone see that. She’ll take it off you.
OLIVIA: She wouldn’t dare!
ORPHAN 3: She would – and she does. She takes all our trinkets off us.
ORPHAN 4: She says when we’re old enough to leave she’ll give us them back,
unless we’ve misbehaved.
ORPHAN 1: And of course, she always finds some way we’ve misbehaved, even
when we haven’t.
ORPHAN 2: So no-one ever gets them back.
ORPHAN 3: Then she sells them.
OLIVIA: Well, she’s not having mine. (She puts the locket in her pocket.)
ORPHAN 4: We were just like you, Olivia, when we first arrived. We had spirit; we
had hopes.
ORPHAN 1: They soon get dashed.
OLIVIA: Is it that bad?
ORPHAN 2: You wouldn’t believe it. You know what we do, for fourteen hours a
day? We sew.
ORPHAN 3: Every day, except Sunday, sew and sew.
ALL ORPHANS: Sew and sew.
OLIVIA: What do you sew?
ORPHAN 4: Old clothes, which Mrs. Murdstone sells on for a profit.
ORPHAN 1: And mailbags – they’re the worst of all, they tear your fingers to shreds.
OLIVIA: Sounds like Mrs. Murdstone is a right so-and so.
(The Orphans titter.)
ORPHAN 2: Don’t let her hear you say that, or she’ll have you sewing double-time.
OLIVIA: But I’m useless at sewing. The Nuns tried to teach me, but I kept
making mistakes. I once sewed up the bottom of Mother Superior’s
habit so badly she couldn’t get into it.
(The Orphans laugh.)
ORPHAN 3: Well, you’d better learn fast, otherwise you’re in big trouble.

(Enter Mrs. Murdstone, with Dicken, a middle-aged dogsbody, who is not blessed
with the brightest of intellects. He has a West-Country accent.)
MRS. M: Did I hear someone mention trouble? I hope none of you are thinking of
causing any, for, as you know, my punishment is swift and terrible.
What do you say, Dicken?
DICKEN: Donkeys.
(The Orphans titter.)
MRS. M: Did I give you permission to snigger?
(The Orphans go silent, cowed).
MRS. M: Dicken, explain yourself. What have donkeys got to do with discipline?
DICKEN: It’s just that anyone would have to be a donkey to make trouble.
MRS. M: Not quite the way I’d express it, but I take your point, and so, I trust, do
all of you young ladies. I also hope you girls have explained the strict
standards I expect to Olivia.
ORPHAN 4: Yes, Mrs. Murdstone.
MRS. M: And, now, it’s time for breakfast.
(All the Orphans groan.)
MRS. M: I thought you’d be pleased. Dicken, start serving your culinary

masterpiece!
DICKEN: (Totally baffled) Duh... do what?
MRS. M: Dish out the gruel, man! Girls – line up – and enjoy!

TRACK 2: SLOP!
(The Orphans, including Olivia, go up to the table, collect their bowls and spoons,
then return to their places, sit cross-kneed and eat the slop, all during the course of
the song.)
ORPHANS: SLOP! EVERY MEAL IS THIS SLOP!

EVERY DAY WITHOUT STOP
ALL WE GET IS THIS STICKY GOO,
SMELLS LIKE GLUE, AND TASTES LIKE IT TOO!
ORPHANS: SLOP!
MRS. M: IT’LL HELP YOU GROW UP
ORPHANS: BUCKETFULS OF THIS SLOP!
MRS. M: IF IT DOESN’T BLOW UP!
ORPHANS: SCUM THAT FLOATS TO THE TOP.
MRS. M: THOUGH IT MAKES YOU THROW UP,
AND YOUR TUMMIES MIGHT GET UPSET, DON’T FORGET,
IT’S ALL THAT YOU’LL GET!
ORPHANS: SHE CALLS IT GRUEL, IT’S MORE LIKE SLIME.

WAS THERE EVER MORE CRUEL A CRIME
THAN THIS DISGUSTING SLOP?
WITH ITS WIND WE GO POP!
WISH THAT WE COULD JUST DROP THE LOT
DOWN THE NEAREST DRAIN.
BUT TIME AND AGAIN.
NO MATTER HOW WE PLEAD,
THEY FEED US MORE AND MORE
OF THIS REVOLTING SLOP!
MRS. M: KEEPS YOU ON THE HOP!
ORPHANS: (Shouted) It’s slop!
(Olivia is the only one who hasn’t tasted her slop yet.)
OLIVIA: I can’t believe it’s that bad.

ORPHAN 1: Just you taste it.
(Olivia does so, and splutters.)
OLIVIA: Ugh! It’s not fit for pigs. I’m not putting up with it. (She gets up)
ORPHAN 2: What are you going to do?
OLIVIA: You’ll see. (She walks up to Dicken, bowl & spoon in hand.) Please,
sir, I want less.
MRS. M: Less! Aaah! (She swoons into Dicken’s arms.) Dicken, I’ve come
over all funny.

DICKEN: You’re not making me laugh.
(Mrs. M. recovers, with a glare at Dicken.)
MRS. M: I could have sworn I heard this child say she wanted less.
OLIVIA: You heard right. I want less slop – starving dogs wouldn’t eat it.
Besides, look, what’s this fly doing in it? (She holds it under Dickens’
nose.)
DICKEN: Looks like the breast-stroke. Don’t shout too loud, or everyone will want
one.
OLIVIA: (To Mrs. M.) I want less slop. And, while we’re about it, less sewing.
We all want less, don’t we girls.
(The Orphans, cowed, keep silent.)
OLIVIA: I said, don’t we, girls?
(Still an awkward silence.)
OLIVIA: What’s the matter with you lot, afraid to stand up for your rights?
MRS. M: (Fierce & formidable.) Rights? Rights? Listen to me, young lady, in
here you have no rights. You’re here to work, and do as you’re told.
You want less, Miss – less you’ll get. Less freedom, less light, less
company, less everything. Dicken!, Put her in the Hole!
(The Orphans gasp.)
OLIVIA: What’s the Hole?

ORPHAN 3: A windowless cell way underground.
ORPHAN 4: No mattress or pillow, just a concrete slab.
ORPHAN 1: The mildew runs down the walls.
ORPHAN 2: And so do the spiders.
MRS. M: (Savagely, to the Orphans.) Did I say you could speak? Do you want
the hole too?
ORPHANS: No, Mrs. Murdstone.
MRS. M: (To Olivia.) Well, girl, you’ve been here two minutes, and already
you’re making trouble. Let’s see if three days in the Hole dampens your
rebellious nature. Dicken, take her down!
OLIVIA: You’ll have to catch me first. (She runs out.)
MRS. M: I’ve grown to detest that Olivia! But she’ll be back in two minutes.
DICKEN: No-one done ever escape from ‘ere.

(The Orphans cluster round a “window” looking out – possibly a place close to the
wings, with a light directed on them.)
ORPHAN 1: Look, she’s running across the yard.

ORPHAN 2: She’s trying to climb the gates.
ORPHAN 3: Can’t be done. They’re too high.
ORPHAN 4: No – look! She’s at the top!
ORPHAN 1: She’s over!
ORPHAN 2: She’s free!
(All the Orphans cheer.)
MRS. M: Silence when you cheer! Dicken, after her!

DICKEN: But I’ll never climb the gate – I’m too old.
MRS. M: (Quietly patient.) What’s that at your belt?
DICKEN: The keys to the gate.
MRS. M: Precisely. (She roars at him.) Get going and fetch her back.
DICKEN: Yes, Mrs. Murdstone. (He hurries out.)
MRS. M: And as for you lot – in case you get any ideas of following Olivia’s
example, it’s just water for you for the rest of the day – and you will all
have an extra two hours’ sewing.
(Orphans groan.)
MRS. M: Groan as much as you like - blame it on Olivia! (She exits.)

ORPHAN 1: I don’t blame Olivia. I wish I had her spirit.
ORPHAN 2: It’s going to be an awful day – but it was worth it!

TRACK 3: ORPHANS (REPRISE)
GROUP 1: ORPHANS, ORPHANS, ORPHANS, ORPHANS,

GROUP 1: GROUP 2:
AH. WORKING HARD AS SLAVES,
DO YOU THINK THAT’S RIGHT?
GROUPS 1 & 2: GROUP 3:

AH. SHUT UP IN AN ORPHANAGE
AH, AH. DAY AND NIGHT.
ALL: ORPHANS, ORPHANS, ORPHANS, ORPHANS,

NO-ONE CARES ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF SIGHT!
(SHOUTED) IT’S NOT RIGHT!
(End of Scene One.)

SCENE TWO: A COUNTRY LANE
(Enter Olivia.)
OLIVIA: That horrible orphanage! It was worse than the Convent, if that’s
possible. Those poor girls – the grown-ups don’t seem to care about
them at all. All they do is bully them, and treat them horribly, and use
them to make money. It’s not fair.
If I were a grown-up, I’d rescue them, straight off, that’s what I’d do, no
messing. Or would I? Would I grow up cold and unfeeling, like the
Mother Superior or Mrs. Murdstone? Is that what being grown-up does
to you? Maybe it’s because they’ve never had happiness in their lives –
well, neither have I, but I’m certainly not going to let that get me down.
TRACK 4: HAPPINESS SOMEWHERE
OLIVIA: THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOME HAPPINESS SOMEWHERE,

CAN’T JUST VANISH WITHOUT TRACE.
SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD SOMEONE MUST CARE.
SOMEWHERE THERE’S A BETTER PLACE.
AND IF I COULD FIND SOME HAPPINESS SOMEWHERE,
I’D SPREAD THAT HAPPINESS AROUND.
BUT NO MATTER HOW I’VE TRIED,
NO MATTER HOW I’VE CRIED,
NO HAPPINESS HAVE I FOUND.
I’VE HEARD ABOUT IT, BEEN TOLD ABOUT IT,

I’VE READ ABOUT IT TOO.
BUT UNTIL I’VE KNOWN IT FOR MYSELF,
I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT IT’S TRUE.
THERE MUST BE SOMEBODY OUT THERE
WHO HAS HOPE AND LOVE TO SHARE.
FOR THERE HAS TO BE SOME HAPPINESS SOMEWHERE,
AND I WILL FIND IT, COME WHAT MAY.
YES, THAT’S WHAT I INTEND.
I’LL REACH MY JOURNEY’S END
WHEN HAPPINESS COMES MY WAY.
THERE MUST BE HAPPINESS SOMEWHERE.
SOMEWHERE.
(Enter Dicken.)
DICKEN: There you are, Missee.

OLIVIA: Dicken! Have you come to take me back?
DICKEN: Do you really think I’d take you back to that hell-hole?

OLIVIA: But you’ll get into trouble with Mrs. Murdstone.

DICKEN: She’ll never know. I’ll tell her I couldn’t find you.
OLIVIA: Dicken, you’re not from these parts, are you?
DICKEN: No, Missee – oi be from Bristol.
OLIVIA: Why don’t you go home instead of putting up with Mrs. Murdstone?
DICKEN: It’s the only life I know.
OLIVIA: And why do you make the same awful slop every meal?
DICKEN: It’s what Mrs. M. showed me to do.
OLIVIA: But there’s all kinds of things... soup would make a nice change. You
could grow your own vegetables, and then Mrs. Murdstone couldn’t
grumble about the cost.
DICKEN: Aye. Hadn’t thought on that. Darned if I don’t give it a go! Thank ‘ee,
Missee, it’ll give me something enjoyable to do. Anyways, where be
you going?
OLIVIA: London.
DICKEN: London? Donkeys!
OLIVIA: What?
DICKEN: Donkeys! There be a farm with donkeys just down the road. You could
always ride one down to London.
OLIVIA: But that would be stealing.
DICKEN: Nay, Missee, just borrowing. Mind ‘ee, if they caught ‘ee at it, they’d
hang ‘ee for sure. Best not take old Dicken’s advice, it’ll only get ‘ee in
trouble.
OLIVIA: Oh, Dicken, I thought you were as mean and nasty as all the grown-
ups I’ve met, but you’re really very nice. (She kisses his cheek.)
DICKEN: (Going all bashful.) I’ll never wash that cheek again. Not that I ever
do.
OLIVIA: Goodbye, Dicken.
DICKEN: Goodbye, Missee…nay, Olivia.
(They exit opposite ways.)
(End of Scene Two.)

SCENE THREE: COVENT GARDEN, LONDON
(Five Flower-Sellers (in the middle is Eliza Doolittle) are seated with their baskets of
flowers. All around them are a chorus of Londoners, including street traders, two or
three “ladies of the streets”, two or three men wearing a green flower in their
buttonholes. Other characters at Director’s discretion.)
TRACK 5: LONDON
ALL: COME TO LONDON, FOR IT’S THE PLACE TO BE.

IT’S A GREAT CITY, IS LONDON.
ONCE YOU GET HERE, THERE’S LOTS TO DO AND SEE
IN THIS GREAT CITY OF LONDON.
MAYFAIR THROUGH TO CHINATOWN,
GO TO LEICESTER SQUARE,
THERE IS NOT A FINER TOWN ANYWHERE.
FOR IT’S LONDON THAT CASTS A MAGIC SPELL
UNDER WHICH YOU WILL FALL.
KEEP YOUR PARIS OR NEW YORK,
LONDON’S THE BEST CITY OF ALL, OF ALL, OF ALL,
THAT’S LONDON!
(Most of the crowd disperse, leaving the Flower-Sellers, and three gentlemen, one of
whom is Ebenezer Scrooge (wearing mittens and with a stick) and another of whom
is George Bernard Shaw (bushy beard.) Alternatively all can stay on, as in a busy
London street scene, provided they don’t distract from the action. Eliza Doolittle is in
the middle of the Flower-Sellers. The others are Doris, Flo, Queenie, (all Cockneys)
and Annie (who speaks posh). The first Gentleman walks by.)
ELIZA: (Calling out to him.) Come on, sir. Buy a nice bunch of flowers for
your girlfriend. Only tuppence!
GENTLEMAN: I’m married.
ELIZA: Then buy a sixpenny bunch for your girlfriend.
GENTLEMAN: Done.
(He hands over a sixpence, Eliza gives him a bunch of flowers, and he exits.)
DORIS: Eliza Doolittle, how do you do it?

QUEENIE: Eliza could sell ice to an Eskimo.
ELIZA: Well, you got to make a living, ain’t yer?
ANNIE: I never sell a quarter as much as Eliza! What am I doing wrong?
FLO: You know your trouble, Annie? You talk too posh.
ELIZA: Let’s face it, dearie, you ain’t Cockney, like wot we are.

QUEENIE: That don’t make her a bad person.

ELIZA: Did I say it did, Queenie?
ANNIE: Here comes a gent now. I’ll try my luck.
(Ebenezer Scrooge, with a stick, starts to pass by.)
ANNIE: Excuse me, sir – would you be so kind as to purchase a small posy of
flowers?
SCROOGE: Flowers? Humbug! The only flowers I want are on my grave – ‘cos I
won’t have to pay for them. Humbug! (He waves his stick furiously at
Annie & exits.)
DORIS: You picked the wrong one there, dearie. Do you know who that was?
ANNIE: Who?
DORIS: Ebenezer Scrooge!
FLO: The meanest, most miserable skinflint in all of London!
QUEENIE: He’s even meaner than my old man!
(They all laugh.)
ELIZA: Annie, I’m curious about you. Where you from? Wiv your la-di-da
accent, you could pass for a proper lady.
DORIS: More than can be said of you, Eliza.
ELIZA: I could be a lady, Doris, if I set my mind to it.
DORIS: Ga’arn!
ELIZA: I could, too.
QUEENIE: Then why did we hear you singin’ that song the uvver day?
ELIZA: What song?
FLO: You know, about all your wantin’ was a warm room and comfortable
chair?
ELIZA: Oh, that! Just a song I heard somewhere. No, Flo, I envy Annie and the
way she talks. What I want to be most in the world is a lady.

TRACK 6: I WANT TO BE A LADY
(N.B. if not already on as passers-by, etc., the Chorus can enter.)
ELIZA: I DON’T WANT A ROOM SOMEWHERE,

I DON’T WANT A FIRE AND A COSY CHAIR.
THERE’S JUST ONE THING I WANT TO BE,
AND THAT’S A TOFF WOT HITS IT OFF
WIV THE ARISTOCRACY!
I WANT TO BE A LADY.
THAT’S WHAT I LONG TO BE.
HOLD MY LITTLE PINKIE UP,
WHEN I DRINK A CUP OF TEA WITH DIGNITY.
I WANT TO BE A LADY,
EVER SO SMART AND POSH.
WHERE I USED TO CURSE AND SWEAR, I WILL JUST DECLARE
“OH, GOSH! HOW TERRIBLE!”
NEVER COMING BACK TO COVENT GARDEN

UNLESS I’M TAKEN DOWN THE OPERA.
WON’T SAY “WATCH IT, JACK!”, I’LL SAY “BEG YOUR PARDON”
IT’S MUCH MORE LADYLIKE AND PROPERER.
YES I WANT TO BE A PROPER LADY,
DRIPPING WITH DIAMONDS AND PEARLS.
I’LL BE GOING PLACES, JUST SEE ME AT THE RACES
WITH DUKES, AND BARONS AND EARLS.
YES, I’M GONNA BE A LADY,
JUST WATCH ME, GIRLS!
(She dances like a “lady”, mockingly. Then the Chorus and Flower-Sellers sing
together:)
CHORUS: FLOWER-SELLERS (optional):

SHE WANTS TO BE A LADY. GET HER!
WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?
EVER SO SMART, AND POSH. GET HER!
WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE’S KIDDING?
WHERE BEFORE SHE’D CURSE AND SO LADIDA,
SWEAR,
NOW SHE’LL JUST DECLARE WANTS TO BE A STAR.
“OH GOSH! BUT SHE’LL NEVER BE A LADY!
HOW TERRIBLE!”
ELIZA: NEVER GONNA SELL ANOTHER FLOWER,

BOUQUETS FROM FELLERS WON’T BE HARD TO FIND.
IT WILL BE WELL WITHIN MY POWER
TO LEAVE A TRAIL OF BROKEN HEARTS BEHIND.

ELIZA: FLOWER-SELLERS (optional):

YES, I WANT TO BE A PROPER LADY, GET HER, GET HER!
WELL, JUST YOU GET
DRIPPING WITH DIAMONDS AND HER, GET HER!
PEARLS.
I’LL BE GOING PLACES. OUR ELIZA,
JUST SEE ME AT THE RACES NOTHING CAN SURPRISE HER.
WITH DUKES, AND BARONS AND
EARLS. DUKES AND EARLS.
YES, I’M GONNA BE A LADY:
JUST WATCH ME,
GIRLS! SHE WANTS TO BE A LADY!
GET HER!
DORIS: You’ll never be a lady, Eliza. You’re too common.

ELIZA: Don’t you be too sure. I ‘ad a lovely dream last night.
QUEENIE: I ‘ad a nightmare. It’s called my husband.
(The Flower-Sellers laugh or cackle, according to characters.)
ELIZA: I dreamt this old Professor geezer took me up, and learnt me how to
talk posh. He showed me how to behave in society circles, and in less
than a year, I ended up a proper lady, mixing wiv all the toffs.
(George Bernard Shaw (GBS) has been standing close to Eliza, listening to what
she’s saying, and now addresses her (with a hint of an Irish accent).)
GBS: Excuse me, madam.

ELIZA: (Spotting a potential customer.) ‘Ere you are, sir, tuppence a
bunch… Hey, don’t I know you, mister? Ain’t you that cricketer fellow
wiv the beard, W.G. Grace?
GBS: I’m afraid not. I’m George Bernard Shaw.
ELIZA: Never ‘eard of you. ‘Ave you, girls?
(Annie shakes her head, the rest say “Nar!”.)
GBS: But I’m a famous theatre critic and playwright.

FLO: We never go to the theatre.
DORIS: The Music Hall’s what we like.
QUEENIE: (Sings) My old man said follow the van
(Eliza, Flo & Doris join her in the second line.)

THE FOUR: And don’t dilly-dally on the way.
(All laugh/cackle.)
GBS: I couldn’t help overhearing what you were saying about your dream.
ELIZA: So?
GBS: Most interesting. It’s given me an idea for a play. Would you care to
take tea with me at the Ritz?
ELIZA: The Ritz! Ga’an! You’re kidding me.
GBS: No, I am in earnest, I assure you. We can discuss your dream in
greater detail.
ELIZA: Blimey! All right, Mr. George Bernard Shaw, you’re on. What did I tell
you, girls? It may be for only half an hour, but I’m going to be a real
ritzy lady!
(Exit Eliza & GBS.)
DORIS: Eliza will never be a lady in a month of Sundays.

FLO: You’re the only one wot could make a lady, Annie. You got the posh
accent.
ANNIE: Must have been how I was brought up.
DORIS: How was you brung up, Annie?
QUEENIE: Yeah – you never let on about your past.
ANNIE: I wish I had a past to talk about. All I can recall is waking up in a
hospital up North. Must have been – oh, ten years ago. I remember
everything after that – coming to London, and everything – but
before that, nothing.
QUEENIE: You poor fing!
FLO: I’ve heard about that – it’s called alopecia.
DORIS: You mean amnesia. Alopecia is when you go bald.
QUEENIE: Like my old man. Clinically bald and clinically lazy.
FLO: Doris is right. Annie’s got antimacassar.
QUEENIE & DORIS: Amnesia!
FLO: Well, anyway, I heard about a docker once got hit on the head wiv a
crate he was loading. Lost his memory for five years. Then someone
hit him over the head in a pub fight, and it all came back.
QUEENIE: Maybe we should hit you over the head, Annie. (All laugh)
DORIS: Don’t you know nuffink at all? Not even a little clue?
ANNIE: All I’ve got is this.
(She takes a locket from round her neck and passes it to Doris.)

DORIS: Oh, isn’t that lovely? Look, Queenie.

QUEENIE: You were a bonnie baby, Annie. Look, Flo.
FLO: You’ve grown up as pretty as your picture, dearie.
(She hands the locket back to Annie.)
ANNIE: Oh, it’s not me.

FLO: Who is it, then?
ANNIE: I don’t know – but I wouldn’t part with it for all the world.
QUEENIE: Ain’t you ever got married, then?
ANNIE: No. I’ve had offers. But I couldn’t. It just didn’t seem right, I don’t know
why...
DORIS: Maybe you was married, dearie, and your husband is wandering all
rahnd England lookin’ fer yer.
FLO: Stop it, Doris, you’re makin’ me cry. (She sniffles into a
handkerchief.)
DORIS: You always was a romantic, Flo.
QUEENIE: I was a romantic once. Then I married my old man. Well, you’re a
mystery all right, Annie. Oh, well, let’s not dwell on it – let’s all cheer up
and ‘ave a cup o’ char at Sid’s Caff.
(The Flower-Sellers pick up their baskets and exit. Enter Fagin and the Artful
Dodger.)
FAGIN: Well, Dodger, wot d’you think?

DODGER: I fink we’re done for, Fagin, unless we can get another gang togevver,
quick.
FAGIN: I’m inclined to agree, Dodger. Otherwise, I can see you and I having to
get honest jobs.
(Dodger faints. Fagin hastily revives him.)
FAGIN: Dodger, Dodger, I didn’t mean it. It just slipped art.

DODGER: Fagin, wash your marf art wiv soap. You know you an’ me ain’t cut art
for honesty. No, we gotta fink. We gotta plan.
FAGIN: I’ll tell you the truth, Dodger – I miss all the lads. Even that young
Oliver wot did for us. Ah, well, that’s over and done with, got to look to
the future. We had some good times, though, didn’t we, Dodger?

TRACK 7: GOOD TIMES
FAGIN & DODGER: WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES, DIDN’T WE?

WE HAD A GREAT TEAM THAT WON’T BE FORGOTTEN.
FAGIN: EVERYONE PULLED THEIR WEIGHT,
AND I’D JUST LIKE TO STATE
I MISS THEM SOMETHING ROTTEN.
DODGER: WE HAD A GOOD THING GOING FOR US,
FAGIN: BUT THEN IT ALL WENT DOWN THE DRAIN.
BOTH: BUT WHAT THE HECK! LET’S START ALL OVER
AND THE GOOD TIMES WILL COME AGAIN.
(Fagin’s old gang of boys appear at the back in spooky lighting, making them almost
seem ghosts. As their names are called, they acknowledge by gesture – not too big
to distract!)
FAGIN: THERE WAS ME, FAGIN,

DODGER: AND ME, THE ARTFUL DODGER,
FAGIN: THERE WAS JACK THE LAD,
DODGER: AND LITTLE JIM.
FAGIN: THERE WAS BOB, THERE WAS BILL,
DODGER: THERE WAS WALTER, THERE WAS WILL,
BOTH: AND THE GREAT BIG LAD WE CALLED TINY TIM.
FAGIN: THEN YOUNG OLIVER TWIST CAME ALONG,
AND SOMEHOW IT ALL CAME UNSTUCK.
DODGER: IT WEREN’T HIS FAULT THAT THINGS WENT WRONG.
FAGIN: THAT IT WEREN’T,
BOTH: BUT WHEREVER HE IS, WE WISH HIM THE BEST OF LUCK.
WHAT A TEAM WE HAD!

GANG (+ CHOIR): WHAT A TEAM WE HAD!
FAGIN & DODGER: WHAT A DREAM WE HAD…
GANG (+ CHOIR): WHAT A DREAM WE HAD…
DODGER: WE THOUGHT IT WOULD LAST AND LAST
FAGIN: BUT NOW IT’S ALL IN THE PAST.
ALL: WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES, DIDN’T WE?

WE HAD A GREAT TEAM THAT ALL PULLED TOGETHER.
WE GOT RICHER EACH DAY, WE WERE WELL ON THE WAY
TO BEING THE GREATEST EVER!
DODGER: WE HAD A GOOD THING GOING FOR US,
FAGIN: BUT THEN IT ALL WENT DOWN THE DRAIN.
ALL: BUT WHAT THE HECK! LET’S START ALL OVER
AND THE GOOD TIMES WILL COME AGAIN.
YES, THE GOOD TIMES WILL COME AGAIN.
THE GOOD TIMES WILL COME AGAIN.
(The Gang Exit. Enter Olivia.)

FAGIN: Dodger, do you see what I see?

DODGER: Wot?
FAGIN: That girl? Don’t she remind you of someone?
DODGER: Who?
FAGIN: Oliver Twist. Just as green-lookin’ as he was when he came to London.
DODGER: Fagin, you ain’t thinkin’ of usin’ A GIRL?
FAGIN: Desperate times demand desperate measures. Let’s do it.
DODGER: You’re on!
(Fagin & Dodger approach Olivia.)
FAGIN: Hello, child. You look lost.

OLIVIA: I am, sir. I’ve just come to London.
FAGIN: Then you’re a lucky girl to have met us, ‘cos wot we don’t know about
London ain’t worth knowing. Poor child, you look cold and hungry.
OLIVIA: That I am, sir.
FAGIN: What’s your name, dearie?
OLIVIA: Olivia.
FAGIN: Well, Olivia, how would you like to earn a penny?
OLIVIA: What do I have to do?
FAGIN: I’ll give you a simple test. If you pass, there’s lots more pennies to be
earned.
OLIVIA: What is it? Reading? Arithmetic?
DODGER: Do us a favour. Do we look like teachers?
FAGIN: Look, there’s a posh gentleman coming this way. I want you to go up to
him and ask the way to Shoreditch.
OLIVIA: I thought you knew everywhere in London.
FAGIN: (Momentarily flustered, to Olivia.) Er…they’ve moved it… road
works, you know.
OLIVIA: Well, it’s a funny sort of test – but all right.
(Enter George Bernard Shaw and Eliza.)
GBS: Thank you, Eliza. I enjoyed our chat, and I have the plot of my new
play in my mind. I’m going to call it Pygmalion.
ELIZA: ‘Ere! You callin’ me a pig?
GBS: (With a laugh.) No, it’s the heroine of a classical legend.
ELIZA: You can’t have a title like that. You need somethin’ catchy, somethin’
the public’ll go for.
GBS: Any suggestions?

ELIZA: Somefink to do wiv London. London Bridge is Fallin’ Darn – no, that
ain’t no good…wait, I got it! My Fair Lady!
GBS: My Fair Lady? No commercial value whatsoever…
FAGIN: (To Olivia) Go on. Now.
(Olivia approaches GBS.)
OLIVIA: Excuse me, sir.

GBS: Yes, what is it, child?
OLIVIA: Do you know the way to Shoreditch?
GBS: (As Dodger sidles up to him.) Shoreditch! I wouldn’t want to know the
way to Shoreditch. And nobody I know wants to either. I believe it’s
somewhere in that direction.
(GBS waves his arm vaguely. Dodger, meanwhile has been “picking his pocket”. He
waves a wallet at Fagin.)
FAGIN: Let’s scarpa.
(Fagin & Dodger run off.)
GBS: What the… (He feels his inside pocket.) Help! I’ve been robbed! My
wallet’s been stolen. (To Olivia.) You, child, you’re responsible. I shall
summon the police.
ELIZA: No, it weren’t ‘er fault. I saw who did it – it was an old geezer and a
young lad.
GBS: She must be their accomplice.
OLIVIA: They gave me a penny to ask you the way. I didn’t know they were
going to rob you. (She starts to cry.) Here, you can have their
penny…
(She offers GBS the penny.)
GBS: A penny! There was ten pounds in that wallet. No, this is a case for the
police.
ELIZA: ‘Old on, Mr. George Bernard High-and-Mighty Shaw. What’s your
name, girl?
OLIVIA: Olivia.
ELIZA: And ‘ow much money you got, Olivia?
OLIVIA: (Holding up the penny.) This penny.
ELIZA: Nuffink else?

OLIVIA: No. I’ve just arrived here. I was going to find some work.
ELIZA: (To GBS) Don’tcha see? This little girl was offering you all she ‘ad in
the world. If it was the other way rahnd, would you offer ‘er all your
riches – ‘cos I know you’re well off, aintcha?
GBS: (To Olivia) Young lady, I owe you an apology. Here – (He reaches in
an inside pocket, and takes out a wallet.) Here’s a pound for you
(He gives Olivia a pound note) …and one for you, Eliza… (He gives
Eliza a pound note.) I’m afraid I was a crusty old curmudgeon, who
jumped to the wrong conclusion.
ELIZA: But your wallet – it was nicked. I saw it wiv my own two eyes.
GBS: A false one, my dear. I was warned by my friend Oscar Wilde about the
danger of pick-pockets.
ELIZA: So there weren’t a tenner in it?
GBS: Just something I couldn’t use, which they’re welcome to.
OLIVIA: What was that?
GBS: Two tickets to the Opera. It’s Wagner, I believe, and five hours long. I
bid you good evening. (He doffs his hat and exits.)
ELIZA: ‘Ere, you hungry?
OLIVIA: I could eat a horse.
ELIZA: Don’t tempt fate. There’s many round these parts that do. Look love, I
earnt this parnd easy – I’ll buy us a slap-up meal.
OLIVIA: Oh, that would be lovely – but I’ll pay, I’ve got a pound, too.
ELIZA: No, dearie, your need is greater then mine. You got anywhere to stay?
OLIVIA: No.
ELIZA: Then you can kip wiv me tonight. Ain’t no room to swing a cat in my
place, but if you don’t mind squeezing in…
OLIVIA: That’s very kind of you, ma’am.
ELIZA: Ma’am? Blimey, ain’t you polite, girl? You call me Eliza, and I’ll call you
Olivia. Olivia what, by the way?
OLIVIA: St. Francis.
ELIZA: Olivia St. Francis? Never ‘eard of a name like that before.
OLIVIA: I was named after the convent where they brought me when I was a
baby.
ELIZA: You an orphan, then?
(Olivia nods.)
ELIZA: Shame. Even more reason to see you’re treated proper. Tomorrow, I’ll
set you up with Mrs. Dilber. She runs what she calls a Poor School for
Girls. She’s a kindly old soul, and she sails a bit close to the wind at
times, but we all got to make a living, ain’t we? Anyway she treats the
kids good, don’t you worry abart that. Come on, then. Let’s go to my
place and get changed. I can maybe borrow some clothes for you from

Mrs. Peabody downstairs. Then, Olivia, you and I will ‘ave the best fish
an’ chip supper money can buy.
OLIVIA: Do you know what, Eliza?
ELIZA: What?
OLIVIA: I’ve never been this happy in my life before.
ELIZA: Sounds as if you ain’t had much fun, girl.
OLIVIA: I haven’t.
ELIZA: Well, it’s about time you did. Tell you wot – after we’ve had the grub, I’ll
take yer to the Music Hall. Let’s go, Olivia – you and I are going to take
the tarn by storm tonight.
(They exit. Enter Lamplighter, Fagin & Dodger.)
LAMPLIGHTER: Evenin’, Fagin. Wotcher, Dodger.

DODGER: Hello, Charley. Nights are drawing in.
LAMPLIGHTER: So they are. Same number of lamps to light, though.
FAGIN: It’s a hard life. (To Dodger.) Hard for us, too, Dodger. An empty wallet.
Never had that happen before. It’s an embarrassment to a man of my
professional stature, that’s what it is.
DODGER: Not quite empty, Fagin. (He holds up two tickets.) Look, two tickets to
the opera.
FAGIN: Yes, but no money. Bloke must be skint.
DODGER: Can’t be skint if he can afford these. May as well use them.
FAGIN: You mean flog them? Now you’re talking.
DODGER: No, not flog ‘em. Use ‘em properly.
FAGIN: You don’t mean...?
(Dodger nods and points to the Opera House.)
FAGIN: But you don’t like opera. I don’t like opera. Nobody likes opera.
DODGER: Some people must, uvverwise it wouldn’t be full every night. Come on,
Fagin, it won’t cost us. Who knows, it might be fun – and how do you
know you don’t like it if you ain’t tried it?
FAGIN: I met an opera singer once.
DODGER: Oh, yeah? Wot was he like? Did he throw tantrums and spit his dummy
out, like I’ve heard they do?
FAGIN: How should I know? He was Italian. Couldn’t understand a bloomin’
word he said. Seemed a nice enough bloke, though. But I did hear he
had a tragic accident on stage.
DODGER: Go on! Serious, was it?

FAGIN: Finished his career, poor feller. You see, he used to train on spaghetti.
Mornin’, noon and night, nothin’ but spaghetti. Then one night in the
opera he tried to hit a top C, his voice cracked, and lassoed the first
three rows of the stalls.
DODGER: I knew you was windin’ me up. Fagin.
FAGIN: You ain’t serious, though, are you, Dodger? About us going in there?
DODGER: Sure I am. Let’s not look a gift ticket in the marf.
FAGIN: Well, all right. But if I die of boredom, you pay for my funeral.
DODGER: Don’t be such an old grouch. We might enjoy it.
TRACK 8: LET’S GO TO THE OPERA
DODGER: LET’S GO TO THE OPERA.

LET’S GO SEE THE SHOW.
LET’S GO TO THE OPERA.
WE MIGHT ENJOY IT,
YOU NEVER KNOW.
FAGIN: THE TENORS MAY BE CORSETED,
DODGER: AND THE SOPRANOS RATHER STOUT.
BOTH: BUT LET’S GO TO THE OPERA,
AND WE’LL HAVE A GREAT NIGHT OUT!
(The Opera-goers enter (waltzing on). Dressed as finely as possible, they can include
everyone who has been used so far (including Orphans & Flower-Sellers, in different
costumes, make-up, etc.) Judges to be on stage scoring)
CONCEIRGE: Call that dancin’! This is more like it – you ain’t seen nuffin’ yet…
(Cut music to modern dance music – “THE POWER” and dance troupe (led by
Nathan O) perform. Judges to enter to watch and give scores – TENS!)
FAGIN: Come on, you ‘aven’t given it a chance! Let’s go back…to the opera…
ALL EXCEPT LET’S GO TO THE OPERA.

LAMPLIGHTER: LET’S GO SEE THE SHOW.
LET’S GO TO THE OPERA.
IT’S THE IN PLACE,
DON’T YOU KNOW.
EVERYONE WANTS TO BE SEEN THERE,
MIXING WITH QUEENS AND KINGS.
AND THE OPERA ISN’T OVER
‘TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS!
(All dance into the Opera House, except the Lamplighter.)

LAMPLIGHTER: (Spoken) One hour! Two hours! Three hours! Four hours!
(The Opera-goers, except for Fagin & Dodger, stagger out.)

ALL EXCEPT WE’VE BEEN TO THE OPERA.

LAMPLIGHTER: FOUR HOURS AND A HALF!
URGHHH
DURING ALL THE OPERA
THERE WAS NOT A SINGLE LAUGH.
EXCEPT WHEN DURING THE ARIA
THE TENOR TRIPPED AND FELL.
AND HE LANDED ON TOP OF THE FAT LADY,
WHICH WAS PROBABLY JUST AS WELL!
(Enter FAGIN & DODGER. Fagin is bored stiff; Dodger is enthusiastically

transported.)
(Dialogue over music)
FAGIN: Dodger, I’ve lost the will to live.

DODGER: I loved it. Best fing I’ve ever seen. I’ve made me mind up – I want to be
a singer.
FAGIN: Yeah – and I want to be a ballet dancer.
DODGER: I’m serious, Fagin. I’m going to be a famous singer.
FAGIN: But, Dodger, I can only do dishonest.
DODGER: You can be my agent.
FAGIN: Now you’re talkin’!
ALL: (Sung) AND THE OPERA WASN’T OVER

‘TIL THE FAT LADY SANG.
AND HERE SHE IS!
(Enter THE FAT LADY (padded). She can be dressed very Wagnerian – breast plate,
spear, helmet with horns, etc.)
FAT LADY: LA, LA, LA, LA, LA , LA

LA, LA, LA, LA, L-AAAAA
LA, LA, LA, LA, LA , LA
L-AAAAA
ALL: AND THE EVENING IS FINALLY OVER NOW THE

FAT LADY’S SUNG!
(End of Scene Three.)
(N.B. There can now be an interval.)

SCENE FOUR: MRS. DILBER’S POOR SCHOOL FOR GIRLS
(Mrs. Dilber is discovered with her girls.)
MRS. D: Good morning, girls.

THE GIRLS: Good morning, Mrs. Dilber.
MRS. D: Are you ready for today’s lesson in life, and how to cope with it?
GIRL 1: I think we know it off by heart now, Mrs. Dilber.
MRS. D: Good. Then you won’t have any trouble repeating it. Are you all ready?
THE GIRLS: Yes, Mrs. Dilber.
(Enter Eliza.)
ALL GIRLS: Eliza!
(They all rush up to her and give her a cuddle, like old friends.)
MRS. D: Girls, let Eliza breathe.
(The Girls retreat.)
MRS. D: What can I do for you, Eliza? It’s not the day for your lesson.
ELIZA: (Calls out.) Olivia!
(Enter Olivia.)
ELIZA: Olivia is a particular friend of mine, Mrs.Dilber, and I’d like you to take
‘er in.
MRS. D: For you, Eliza, anything. Hello Olivia, and welcome to Mrs. Dilber’s
Poor School for Girls. I, of course, am Mrs. Dilber, and these are my
girls. Say hello to Olivia, girls.
ALL GIRLS: Hello, Olivia.
OLIVIA: I think I’m going to like it here.
ELIZA: Of course you will, otherwise I wouldn’t ‘ave brung you. Nar, you will
come and see me, won’t you?
OLIVIA: You know I will.
ELIZA: And I’ll see you wiv the other girls when I come to teach my weekly
lesson.
OLIVIA: What is it you teach, Eliza?
ELIZA: Elocution and English Language, like wot is spoke by our own dear

Queen. Must be off. Got a living to make. ‘Bye, Olivia.

OLIVIA: Goodbye, Eliza.
ELIZA: ‘Bye, Mrs. D.
MRS. D: ‘Bye, Eliza.
ELIZA: ‘Bye, girls.
GIRLS: ‘Bye, Eliza.
(Eliza exits.)
MRS. D: Well, girls, let’s make our latest arrival feel at home. Make friends with
her, and tell her what we do here.
(The Girls cluster round Olivia.)
GIRL 2: We get up about seven. Those of us who sleep here.

GIRL 3: We have milk and bread and jam for breakfast.
GIRL 4: Then we have a couple of hours of lessons.
GIRL 1: Reading, writing, arithmetic.
GIRL 2: History, geography.
OLIVIA: And elocution and English Language?
GIRL 1: Like wot is spoke by our own dear Queen.
(All laugh.)
GIRL 3: Then there are useful skills, like housework.

GIRL 4: And cooking.
GIRL 1: And knitting and sewing.
OLIVIA: Oh, not sewing – I’m useless at it.
GIRL 2: What are you good at, Olivia?
OLIVIA: Singing.
GIRL 3: Well, that’s a new one. We don’t learn that here.
GIRL 4: Perhaps you could teach us.
OLIVIA: I’d love to.
MRS. D: Alright, girls, stop your chattering, while I have a few words with our
new pupil. Well, Olivia, what do you think?
OLIVIA: It’s lovely. I’m going to enjoy it here. But how do you do it? It must cost
a bit to run.
MRS. D: I was coming to that. We ain’t a charitable institution, and we have to
earn our own keep. There’s lessons in the morning, and the rest of the
day you earn the dosh. We got a laundry, which brings in a fair income,

and some of the girls muck in.

GIRL 1: Some of us do mending and darning.
GIRL 2: Some of us make clothes and ladies’ hats for sale.
MRS. D: Some are in part-time service with the gentry, or work in shops. Others
go out collecting for charity.
OLIVIA: What charity?
MRS. D: The charity that begins at home, dearie. Everyone hands over what
they earn, be it a penny or a pound. Half goes to the upkeep of this
place, I takes my cut, and the rest is for the girls. Are you happy with
that?
OLIVIA: That sounds more than fair.
MRS. D: Seems that Olivia wants to join us, girls. (The girls cheer.) Now, we’ll
have to decide what work she’s suited for.
GIRL 3: She says she’s good at singing.
MRS. D: Is she now? Alright, then, Olivia, let’s hear you.
OLIVIA: You mean sing? Now?
ALL GIRLS: (Starting a chant.) Sing…sing…sing …sing…sing…sing.
OLIVIA: Very well. Just a simple little tune. I only know a few of the words, but I
can “La” the bits I don’t know.
TRACK 9: IF THERE’S A STAR
OLIVIA: IF THERE’S A STAR TO WISH UPON,

LA, LA, LA, LA……, LA, LA………
LA, LA, LA, LA…….
LA, LA, LA, LA…….
LA, LA……, LA……, LA, LA…….
IF THERE’S A STAR TO DREAM UPON,

LA, LA, LA, LA……, LA, LA………
LA, LA, LA, LA……., LA
LA……, LA, LA……,
I HOPE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.
MRS. D: That’s lovely. Olivia. Wasn’t that nice, girls?
(The Girls agree.)
MRS. D: I ain’t never had to place a singer before, but I’ll ask around. In the
meantime, why don’t you join our charity team.
(Some Girls cheer.)

MRS. D: Belle, Belinda, Little Dorrit, step forward.
(Girls 1-3 step forward.)
MRS. D: These are the girls that work the East End, and very well they do, too.
GIRL 2: Loadsamoney!
(All laugh.)
MRS. D: But you’re such a good team I don’t want to split you up.
(Girls 1-3 return to where they came from.)
MRS. D: Olivia, you’d better join Emily and Charlotte.
(Emily and Charlotte come forward.)
MRS. D: They work the West End.

EMILY: People are richer in the West End.
CHARLOTTE: And meaner. It’s really tough getting money out of them.
OLIVIA: We’ll have to be even tougher, then.
(All cheer.)
MRS. D: I think you’re going to do well here, Olivia. Emily, Charlotte, where’s
your pitch today?
EMILY: Covent Garden.
MRS. D: Good. You can take Olivia with you, and teach her the business.
OLIVIA: Covent Garden? That means I’ll see Eliza again.
MRS. D: Don’t spend too long chatting with her. She’s a terrible gossip, is
Eliza. Come on, everyone, to work. No, darn it, it’s Sunday tomorrow,
let’s all have a holiday!
(All cheer.)
MRS. D: I don’t know – you’ve only been here ten minutes, Olivia, and already
you’ve got me to give us a holiday. But what the heck - we’ve had a
good week, so we can afford a little break. We’ll start again on
Monday - but first, as Olivia wasn’t here for it, let’s repeat today’s
lesson.

TRACK 10: THAT’S LIFE!
MRS. D: TODAY’S LESSON ISN’T READING OR WRITING OR ARITHMETIC.

TODAY’S LESSON IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT.
IT’S HOW TO GET BY IN LIFE, AND I THINK YOU’LL AGREE WITH ME,
YOU’VE GOT TO BE PREPARED OR LIFE WILL KNOCK YOU FLAT!
LIFE IS A SHAM, IT’S A SCAM,

IT’S A SCRAMBLE TO SURVIVE.
GIRLS: THAT’S LIFE!
MRS. D: LIFE IS A TRICK, IF YOU’RE SLICK
AND YOU’RE QUICK YOU’LL STAY ALIVE.
MRS. D: YOU NEED SOME LUCK, IF YOU’RE STUCK.
YOU MUST DUCK AND YOU MUST DIVE.
MRS. D: LIVING ON THE EDGE OF A KNIFE,
ALL: THAT’S LIFE!
GIRLS: THAT’S LIFE! THAT’S LIFE!

YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE A PLAN.
FOR LIFE. YES, LIFE
WILL DO YOU DOWN IF IT CAN.
IN LIFE, IN LIFE, THE WINNER TAKES ALL.
GRAB IT, OR YOU’RE HEADING FOR A FALL.
THAT’S LIFE!
MRS. D: GIRLS:
LIFE IS A SHAM, IT’S A SCAM, THAT’S LIFE! THAT’S LIFE!
IT’S A SCRAMBLE TO SURVIVE.
THAT’S LIFE! YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE A PLAN.
LIFE IS A TRICK, IF YOU’RE SLICK FOR LIFE. YES, LIFE
AND YOU’RE QUICK
YOU’LL STAY ALIVE. WILL DO YOU DOWN IF IT CAN.
THAT’S LIFE!
YOU NEED SOME LUCK, IN LIFE, IN LIFE,
IF YOU’RE STUCK,
YOU MUST DUCK
AND YOU MUST DIVE.
THAT’S LIFE! THE WINNER TAKES ALL.
LIVING ON THE EDGE OF A KNIFE, GRAB IT, OR YOU’RE
HEADING FOR A FALL.
THAT’S LIFE! THAT’S LIFE! THAT’S LIFE! THAT’S LIFE!
MRS. D: GOT TO GET A GRIP ON IT,

OR YOU’LL TRIP AND SLIP ON IT.
ALL: THAT’S LIFE! THAT’S LIFE!

SCENE FIVE: COVENT GARDEN
(The Flower-Sellers are in their usual places, except Annie, who is absent.)
ELIZA: Where’s Annie?

DORIS: I live in the next room to her, and I heard a terrible crash early this
morning.
FLO: What happened?
DORIS: She fell downstairs, and bumped her head.
FLO: Poor fing!
DORIS: She says she’ll be along as soon as her headache wears off.
QUEENIE: Wish my headache would wear off – but he was snoring when I left him
this morning!
(All cackle/laugh.)
FLO: Oh look, here comes Annie now.
(Annie joins them, with her basket of flowers.)
ELIZA: How are you feeling, love? Heard you had a little accident.
ANNIE: Oh. I’m alright – just a little fuzzy.
QUEENIE: Was you knocked out, dearie?
ANNIE: Yes – and the funny thing was, when I came round, it was as if I wasn’t
in my own home. I was lying in a field somewhere, and there was fire,
and lots of smoke, and people shouting… and a baby crying.
DORIS: You must ‘ave bin dreaming.
ANNIE: No – it was too real for a dream.
ELIZA: You know what you’ve had – a flashback.
ANNIE: What?
ELIZA: You got a bump on the head – and it’s started bringing back memories.
FLO: Maybe it’s cured your ambrosia.
QUEENIE: Amnesia.
ELIZA: Who knows, dearie. And if you do start getting more flashbacks, I know
just the person to take you to - a detective who can find out who you
really are.
ANNIE: Won’t that cost a lot of money?
ELIZA: Nar. He owes me a favour. Anything else come back to you?
ANNIE: Just a little tune. (She “La”s the first 8 bars of Song 9: If There’s A
Star.)

DORIS: That’s nice, dearie.

QUEENIE: Ain’t you got a luvverly voice?
ELIZA: I ain’t never heard that song before? What is it?
ANNIE: I don’t know. Just kind of came into my head. I know there are
some words to it, too, but I can’t remember them.
FLO: They’ll maybe come back to you when you start getting over your
aspidistra.
ELIZA, QU. & DORIS: Amnesia!
ELIZA: Come on, Annie, I’ll take you to him now. It’s a bit of a trek to
Baker Street, so we’ll get a cab.
ANNIE: That’ll cost a fortune.
ELIZA: No, dearie, I’ll get Billy Archer the cabbie to take us. He owes me a
favour.
QUEENIE: Strikes me half of London owes you a favour, Eliza.
ELIZA: Three-quarters, Queenie, three-quarters.
(Eliza & Annie exit.)
(Enter Olivia, Emily & Charlotte, with collecting tins.)
FLO: Hello, girls, what are you up to?

EMILY: Collecting for charity.
CHARLOTTE: But we don’t want any money from you.
OLIVIA: It wouldn’t be fair – the charity we’re collecting for is ourselves.
QUEENIE: Good luck to yer – you’ll need it.
FLO: You’ll have a tough time getting money off the rich folks round
here.
DORIS: They’re as tight as a duck’s…bottom.
OLIVIA: We’ll see. Here comes a crowd now. Emily, Charlotte, show me
how it’s done.
(Enter a Crowd. Emily & Charlotte rattle their tins, calling out “Charity”, to no effect.
In the Crowd, un-noticed by Olivia, are Fagin & The Artful Dodger.)
OLIVIA: You’ll have to do better than that, girls. Let me show you.

TRACK 11: THE CHARITY RAG
(As Olivia starts singing, the Crowd, who’d previously ignored Emily & Charlotte,
immediately start paying attention.)
OLIVIA: IF YOU’VE GOT CASH, WHY GO AND HOARD IT?

GIVE US A COIN, YOU CAN AFFORD IT.
THERE IS NOTHING QUITE LIKE THE CHARITY RAG.
EMILY: BURNING AN ‘OLE, THERE IN YOUR POCKET,
THINK OF THE GOOD IF YOU UNLOCK IT.
THEN YOU CAN BE PART OF THE CHARITY RAG.
CHARLOTTE: DRAGGED FROM RELUCTANT WALLETS,

YOU MAY THINK IT’S LIKE STEALING.
BUT THERE IS NOTHING LIKE
THAT VERY SPECIAL WARM-HEARTED FEELING
OLIVIA: WHEN YOU HAVE HELPED SOMEONE WHO’S NEEDY.

YOU’LL FEEL SO GOOD.
EMILY: O, YES, INDEED-Y!
THEN YOU CAN ENJOY THE CHARITY RAG!
ALL 3: IF YOU’VE GOT CASH, WHY GO AND HOARD IT?

GIVE US A COIN, YOU CAN AFFORD IT.
THERE IS NOTHING QUITE LIKE THE CHARITY RAG.
BURNING A HOLE, THERE IN YOUR POCKET,
THINK OF THE GOOD IF YOU UNLOCK IT.
THEN YOU CAN BE PART OF THE CHARITY RAG.
EMILY & CHARLOTTE: DRAGGED FROM RELUCTANT WALLETS,

ALL 3: WHEN YOU HAVE HELPED SOMEONE WHO’S NEEDY.

YOU’LL FEEL SO GOOD. O, YES, INDEED-Y!
THEN YOU CAN ENJOY THE CHARITY RAG,
THE CHARITY RAG!
OLIVIA: DON’T YOU FEEL MUCH BETTER
GIVING SOMEONE A CHANCE.
AND NOW YOU’RE IN THE MOOD,
EVERYBODY COME ON AND DANCE.
(Emily, Charlotte & Olivia, dance round the Crowd, collecting. The Crowd is so swept
up by their sheer bravado that they put lots of money in the tins – coins, even notes.)

ALL 3: DRAGGED FROM RELUCTANT WALLETS,

CROWD: WHEN WE HAVE HELPED SOMEONE WHO’S NEEDY.

WE FEEL SO GOOD. O, YES, INDEED-Y!
AND WE CAN ENJOY THE CHARITY RAG.
THE 3 GIRLS: THE CHARITY RAG!
ALL: YEAH!
EMILY: Golly, Olivia, we’ve never collected so much before.

CHARLOTTE: We’ve taken more in three minutes than we usually take in a week.
OLIVIA: We’re not finished yet. Here comes somebody else.
(Enter Scrooge. Olivia goes up to him, shaking her tin.)
QUEENIE: No use trying him, dearie. He’s Ebenezer Scrooge.
(The Crowd gasps.)
OLIVIA: I don’t care if he’s the Frankenstein monster – he can still cough
up. (To Scrooge) Mr. Scrooge, I’m sure you want to join all these
good people in giving to charity.
SCROOGE: Charity! Humbug!
OLIVIA: You can’t mean that, I’m sure. Think of all the poor and destitute,
who suffer so greatly.
SCROOGE: Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?
OLIVIA: There are, indeed sir. But many would rather die than go there.
SCROOGE: Then they had better do so, and decrease the surplus population.
(Another gasp from all.)
OLIVIA: You, sir, are a disgrace, and you need to be taught a lesson, and
I’m sure you will be one day. You may be determined to hang on
to your money, but I’m just as determined to relieve you of it.
SCROOGE: Young lady, no-one has ever had the effrontery to talk to me like
that. I like you, and I admire your nerve. You remind me of myself
when young. Therefore, I’m about to do something I have never
done before, and don’t intend to do in the future. Here’s a penny.
(He puts a penny in her tin. The Crowd reacts in disbelief.)

OLIVIA: Just a penny?
(She rattles the tin under his nose.)
SCROOGE: Very well. Another sixpence.
(He puts a sixpence in her tin. Again the Crowd reacts.)
OLIVIA: Sixpence? Someone as rich as yourself – a mere sixpence!

SCROOGE: Young lady, your persistence is commendable – but beginning to
annoy me. Let this be the last, do you hear –
(He puts another coin in her tin.)
SCROOGE: Here’s a florin.
(The Crowd cheers. Scrooge addresses them.)
SCROOGE: And if any of you lot let on about this to my business associates, I’ll…
I’ll… I’ll cancel Christmas!
(All laugh and then, except Olivia, Fagin, and the Artful Dodger, exit.)
DODGER: Well, if it ain’t little Olivia.

OLIVIA: You! You nearly got me into big trouble.
FAGIN: Them disreputable days are behind us, dearie, and indirectly, it’s darn
to you. Much to the disgust and despair of the criminal underworld,
we’ve retired and gone straight. And as luck would ‘ave it, it turns out
Dodger ‘ere has been blessed wiv this natural gift for the thespian arts.
DODGER: Do what?
FAGIN: The stage, Dodger, the stage. He’s also got this great singin’ voice,
too. Gilbert & Sullivan heard him at it, and straightway they cast him in
a new little piece they’re tryin’ art.
OLIVIA: Well, I’m very glad to hear it.
FAGIN: We couldn’t ‘elp hear you singin’ just now, and you’re just the person
we need.
DODGER: You see, Gilbert & Sullivan are lookin’ for a girl just like you for the
show. It’s called “Trial By Judge” and they’re looking for someone to
play The Daughter.
OLIVIA: I don’t know. I love singing, but I’d have to ask Mrs. Dilber…
FAGIN: Mrs. Dilber? I know the old bag – pardon me, the dear lady.

DODGER: We can swing it with her – besides there’s money in it for you.
FAGIN: I only take ten percent for discovering you, dearie. I take ten percent of
Dodger here, too.
DODGER: Well, Olivia, what do you say?
OLIVIA: If it’s all right with Mrs. Dilber, yes. I’d love to do it.
FAGIN: Attagirl! Come on, then, let’s have a chat with her.
DODGER: Then we’ll introduce you to Gilbert and Sullivan.
(They exit.)
(End of Scene Five.)

SCENE SIX: SHERLOCK HOLMES’S STUDY
(Holmes and Dr. Watson are discovered.)
WATSON: Holmes, you don’t look your usual cheerful self this morning.
HOLMES: I’m bored, Watson. No case to apply my exceptional mind to for more
than a month. No international incidents to uncover. No royal
indiscretions to hide. No fog-shrouded Dartmoor mysteries to unravel.
Unless something turns up soon, I fear my intellect might decay – even
down to your level.
WATSON: That bad, eh?
(Enter Mr. Hudson, Holmes’s housekeeper.)
MR. H: Excuse me, Mr. Holmes, but you have two visitors.
HOLMES: (Instantly more cheerful.) Show the ladies in.
MR. H: Yes, sir. (She exits.)
WATSON: Good Heavens, Holmes, how on earth did you deduce they were
ladies.
HOLMES: Mr. Hudson’s hair was tidy. He always likes to look good for lady
visitors.
WATSON: Your powers are uncanny, Holmes.
(Enter Mr. Hudson, Eliza and Annie.)
MR. H: A Miss Doolittle and another lady, sir.
(Mr. H exits.)
HOLMES: Eliza! lovely to see you. Watson, this is Eliza Doolittle, my favourite
Flower-Seller. She was instrumental in helping me solve the Case of
the Flower Shop of Horrors – one of your best literary successes, I
understand.
WATSON: Miss Doolittle, it’s a pleasure to meet you.
(They shake hands.)
ELIZA: Likewise, I’m sure. The story wot you wrote abart me was really terrific.
HOLMES: Well, Eliza, what can I do for you?
ELIZA: Not for me, but my friend Annie here. She’s lost her memory, and I
want you to find it for her.

HOLMES: Hmmm. Interesting. Not the usual kind of case I take on, but a
challenge, none the less. Tell me, Annie, is there anything at all you
can remember?
ANNIE: This morning I got this flashback of me, lying in a field, with smoke and
noise, a baby crying, and bits of metal everywhere.
ELIZA: You never told me about the metal, Annie.
ANNIE: It’s just come back to me.
HOLMES: And how long have you had this memory loss, Annie?
ANNIE: For ten years, near enough. The first thing I can remember is waking
up in hospital. Before that that everything’s a blank.
WATSON: Post traumatic shock syndrome.
ELIZA: ‘Ere – watch your language, Doctor. Ladies present.
HOLMES: (Laughs) A purely medical term, my dear. The good doctor is probably
correct in his diagnosis. And where was this hospital, Annie?
ANNIE: In Stockport.
HOLMES: (Decisively) Come, Watson.
WATSON: Where are we going?
HOLMES: To the offices of “The Times”. There we shall look up all the back
pages of ten years ago, and see if there are any clues in those
esteemed pages. Eliza, Annie, stay as long as you like. I’m sure Mr.
Hudson will be only too pleased to offer you some tea and cakes.
(He exits. Watson follows, but pauses at the exit.)
WATSON: Mr. Hudson: these Victoria sponges are superb. (He exits.)
ELIZA: Well, Annie, we have the best detective in the world on your case. If he
can’t find out who you are, no-one can.
ANNIE: Oh, I hope he can, Eliza.
ELIZA: Come on, let’s have some tea and Victoria sponge.
ANNIE: I’ll join you in a minute.
(Eliza exits.)

TRACK 12: WHO AM I?
(N.B. If cloths are used, bring them in now to help facilitate scene change.)
ANNIE: WHO AM I? I WISH I KNEW.

WHO AM I? WHAT CAN I DO?
TO FIND THE PERSON YOU SEE,
TO FIND THE SOMEONE WHO’S ME?
WHO AM I? WHAT WAS MY PAST?
DID GOOD THINGS EVER COME MY WAY?
THE YEARS MAY HAVE GONE, BUT STILL I’LL CARRY ON
‘TIL I FIND OUT WHO AM I SOME DAY.
(Blackout. Exit Annie.)
(L/X spot on downstage corner into which a Girl enters carrying a placard which
reads The Savoy Theatre.)
PLACARD GIRL: And now over to the Savoy Theatre for the final scene of “Trial By
Judge” (She exits.)
(End of Scene Six.)

SCENE SEVEN: THE SAVOY THEATRE (ON STAGE)
(The Chorus are discovered – (not the Flower-Sellers, Holmes, Watson, etc.))
TRACK 13: HERE COMES THE JUDGE
USHER: HERE COMES THE JUDGE.

ALL BE UPSTANDING.
(All rise as the Judge makes a stately entrance and takes his seat.)
(USHER): AND THOUGH THE JUDGE HAS NO UNDERSTANDING

OF THE WRONG-DOER’S MENTALITY,
IT MATTERS NOT A JOT.
FOR THE JUDGE WILL FIND HIM GUILTY,
CHORUS: WHETHER GUILTY OR NOT!
JUDGE: Bring in the defendant.

USHER: Bring in the defendant!
(Enter a Police Constable with the Criminal)
JUDGE: Constable, what is the defendant charged with?

CONSTABLE: Before I speak, I’d like to say something.
JUDGE: Proceed.
CONSTABLE: The defendant has asked for three hundred and forty seven other
offences to be taken into consideration. They include burglary, fraud,
pick-pocketing, breaking and entering, safe-cracking and highway
robbery.
JUDGE: Minor misdemeanours. Fined, one penny. Constable, what is the
offence for which he was arrested?
CONSTABLE: Last night I was proceeding in a south-easterly direction when I
observed the defendant under a lamp, eating an apple. When he had
finished consuming the said fruit, he dropped the core on the ground!
(Gasps of horror all round.)
JUDGE: You mean to say he littered the streets of our fair city?
CONSTABLE: Yes, M’Lud.

JUDGE: This is definitely a hanging offence. Prisoner in the dock, how do you plead?
CRIMINAL: In a grovelling manner.
JUDGE: Before I sentence you for such a heinous crime, have you anything to say in
your defence?
CRIMINAL: Not ‘alf!
TRACK 14: THE CRIMINAL’S SONG
CRIMINAL: I WAS A CRACKING CREDIT TO THE CRIMINAL COMMUNITY,

WHERE POCKETS COULD BE PICKED,
I PICKED AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY.
THOUGH YOU MAY BE INCLINED TO INCREMENTAL INCREDULITY,
I WAS A CRACKING CREDIT TO THE CRIMINAL COMMUNITY!
CHORUS: HE WAS A CRACKING CREDIT TO THE CRIMINAL COMMUNITY!
CRIMINAL: MY OCCUPATION KEPT ME FIT, AS IT WAS FAR FROM SEDENT’RY.

ALTHOUGH IT MAY BE MUCH DESPISED
BY PERSONS PRONE TO PEDANTRY.
I WENT ABOUT MY BUSINESS
WITH A JOKE AND WITH A PLEASANTRY.
MY VICTIMS NEVER ASKED ME TO
RETURN THE GIFTS THEY LENT TO ME!
CHORUS: HIS VICTIMS NEVER ASKED HIM TO
RETURN THE GIFTS THEY LENT TO HE!
CRIMINAL: (Slower) IF I COULD FIND A WAY TO GIVE MY FAMILY SECURITY,

UNDOUBTEDLY I WOULD BECOME A PARAGON OF PURITY.
ALTHOUGH I MAY HAVE LED A LIFE THAT’S
BEEN ALLIED TO LAWLESSNESS…
(Spoken, searching for the rhyme.) Lawlessness…lawlessness…ah, yes!

(Sings) I PROMISE TO BECOME A MODEL CITIZEN,
WELL, MORE OR LESS!
CHORUS: (Gradually speeding up to original tempo)
HE PROMISES TO BE A MODEL CITIZEN, WELL MORE OR LESS,
WELL MORE OR LESS, WELL MORE OR LESS,
WELL MORE OR MORE OR MORE OR LESS!
CRIMINAL: (Original tempo)
I KNOW I COULD BECOME A USEFUL MEMBER OF SOCIETY, AND
LEAD A BLAMELESS LIFE, WITHOUT A MOMENT’S IMPROPRIETY.
FOR ONCE AND ALL I SWEAR THAT I COULD GIVE UP CRIMINALITY,
AND MY CAREER WILL BE CONCLUDED WITH COMPLETE FINALITY!
CHORUS: YES, HIS CAREER WILL BE CONCLUDED
WITH COMPLETE FINALITY!
WITH COMPLETE FINALITY, FINALITY, FINALITY!

JUDGE: Despite your convincing argument, I am not inclined to clemency. Before I

pass sentence, is there anyone else who can present mitigating evidence?
(The Daughter (Olivia) steps forward.)
DAUGHTER: Yes, sir. I am the defendant’s daughter, and I would just like to say this…
TRACK 15: THE CONVICT’S CHILD
DAUGHTER: OH, PLEASE DON’T IMPRISON MY FATHER.

ALTHOUGH HE HAS BEEN WICKED AND WILD.
FOR IF YOU IMPRISON MY FATHER,
THEY’LL CALL ME “THE CONVICT’S CHILD”.
YOU MAY HAVE GOOD REASON TO DOUBT HIM,
BUT HE HAS BEEN CRUELLY REVILED.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’LL DO WITHOUT HIM,
SO PITY THE CONVICT’S CHILD.
MY LIFE WILL BE OVER FOR EVER,

AND SO WILL MY POOR MOTHER’S TOO.
BUT I KNOW THAT MY FATHER CAN BE GOOD,
IF YOU WILL BE GOOD TO HIM TOO.
CHORUS: DAUGHTER:
OH,
PLEASE DON’T IMPRISON HER FATHER.
PLEASE DON’T IMPRISON MY
ALTHOUGH HE’S BEEN WICKED AND WILD. FATHER.
SO WICKED AND WILD.
FOR IF YOU IMPRISON HER FATHER, IF YOUR IMPRISON HIM
THEY’LL CALL HER
“THE CONVICT’S CHILD”. “THE CONVICT’S CHILD”.
DAUGHTER: SO PITY THE CONVICT’S CHILD.
(The Chorus & Usher burst into tears. The Judge wipes his eyes.)
JUDGE: Young lady, you have moved both the court and myself with your plea,
and have persuaded me to show your father mercy. I release him into
your custody. Make sure he picks up his apple cores in future.
DAUGHTER: Yes, sir.
JUDGE: Court adjourned.
USHER: All rise.
(All stand as the Judge exits. As the Judge is by the exit he turns, looks at the

Daughter, and bawls. He exits, wiping his eyes. The Usher leaves.)
CRIMINAL: Thank you, young lady. You did well. Here’s the five pounds I promised
you. Oh, and by the way – what’s your name, again?
TRACK 16: THE CRIMINAL’S SONG (REPRISE)
CRIMINAL: IT TAKES A MAN OF VISION TO USE FRAUDULENT PATERNITY

TO GET OUT OF IMPRISONMENT WHICH COULD BE FOR ETERNITY.
AND NOW I CAN ASSERT,
WITH AN ASSERTION THAT’S A CERTAINTY
THAT I WILL MAKE A COMEBACK TO THE CRIMINAL FRATERNITY!
CHORUS: YES, HE WILL MAKE A COMEBACK TO THE CRIMINAL…
CRIMINAL: CRIMINAL…
DAUGHTER: CRIMINAL…
ALL: FRATERNITY!
(End of Scene Seven.)

SCENE EIGHT: COVENT GARDEN
(Flo, Queenie, Doris & Annie are discovered.)
ANNIE: Hello, where’s Eliza?

DORIS: At Mrs. Dilber’s.
FLO: Gone to give the girls anuvver lesson.
QUEENIE: Elocution and English Language?
THE OTHER 3: Like wot is spoke by our own dear Queen
(All laugh)
FLO: ‘Ave you ‘eard anyfink from that Shylock Holmes, Annie?
QUEENIE: Sherlock!
ANNIE: No, not yet.
DORIS: It’s been free weeks nar.
(Enter Eliza.)
FLOWER-SELLERS: ‘Ello, Eliza.

ELIZA: ‘Ello, girls. Ain’t it good news abart Olivia?
(Annie sways and almost faints.)
QUEENIE: What’s up, dearie?

ANNIE: Came over all faint again. Olivia? Did you say Olivia?
ELIZA: Oh, yeah, you’ve never met her, ‘ave yer? She’s a lovely little girl
– and nar she’s the talk of the town wiv her singin’.
ANNIE: How old is she?
FLO: Abart eleven or twelve.
(Annie sways & almost faints again.)
DORIS: You don’t look at all well, luv.

QUEENIE: It’s her memory comin’ back. Just like my old man’s when ‘e
comes home tipsy.
DORIS: Shouldn’t have thought e’d remember anyfink in that state.
QUEENIE: I give ‘im a helping hand – wiv my rollin’ pin!

(All laugh.)
(Enter Holmes & Watson.)
HOLMES: Ah, there you are, Annie.

ANNIE: Mr. Holmes, Doctor Watson. Any news?
WATSON: We have indeed.
HOLMES: Annie, it seems that ten years ago you were a passenger in a train
crash outside Manchester.
ANNIE: Oh, no! So that’s what my flashback was!
WATSON: We also found a clue in a handbag in a police station in the area. A
birth certificate of a baby…
(Before Holmes can finish enter Dodger, Fagin, Olivia (and the actor playing The
Judge, if not Fagin). Also, from a different entrance, some of the Crowd appear. As
Dodger, Fagin (+ other Judge actor) & Olivia get centre, applause breaks out, to
which they bow & curtsey.)
DODGER: Thank you, thank you. I deserve it.
(Enter George Bernard Shaw.)
GBS: A triumph, an absolute triumph. I haven’t enjoyed an evening so much

in ages. Why, hello, Eliza. I see your little companion has become a
star.
ELIZA: Always knew she would. Olivia, give us a song.
OLIVIA: Oh, I couldn’t.
QUEENIE: Go on, dearie.
(The Flower-Sellers encourage her.)
OLIVIA: All right. It’s a little tune, and I don’t know all the words, but I’ll “La”
those I don’t.
OLIVIA: (Sings, unaccompanied.) If there’s a star to wish upon
ANNIE: (Getting up, sings, unaccompanied.) I wish the best for you.
(Olivia stops, puzzled.)
OLIVIA: How did you know that?

ANNIE: How did you know it?
OLIVIA: It’s something I’ve known all my life, but no-one else does.

ANNIE: Except the one who sang it to her little child.
(She takes the locket from her neck and holds it out towards Olivia.)
ANNIE: Olivia?
(Olivia takes the locket from her neck and holds it out towards Annie.)
OLIVIA: Mother?
(They rush into each others arms, and embrace. The Flower-Sellers blub.)
OLIVIA: Mother! What happened? I thought you were… why did you leave
me with those horrible nuns?
ANNIE: I didn’t know a thing about it, darling. We were in a train crash, and
I lost my memory. But now it’s all come back, and, oh – ten years
to make up – oh, Olivia…
OLIVIA: That song you made up. How does it go? The bits I don’t know.
TRACK 17: IF THERE’S A STAR (REPRISE)
OLIVIA: IF THERE’S A STAR TO WISH UPON,

ANNIE: I WISH THE BEST FOR YOU.
ALWAYS BE GLAD, NEVER BE SAD,
ALL YOUR WHOLE LIFE THROUGH.
BOTH: IF THERE’S A STAR TO DREAM UPON.
OLIVIA: DREAMING IS WHAT I’LL DO.
AND IF THERE’S A STAR TO HOPE UPON
I HOPE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.
BOTH: I HOPE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.
DORIS: Oh, ain’t it lovely?

QUEENIE: I’m going to go right home, and give my old man a big kiss.
FLO: I’m so glad Annie’s recovered from her Indonesia.
DORIS & QUEENIE: Amnesia!
ELIZA: Well. Who’d have thought it? My two favourite people – mother
and daughter.
OLIVIA: It’s thanks to you, Eliza.
ANNIE: Yes, you’ve been a good friend...
HOLMES: Well, Annie, Eliza, it seems the case solved itself of its own
accord.
WATSON: Don’t be too modest, Holmes. You’d just arrived at the solution.

HOLMES: Yes, but I couldn’t have told it in a happier fashion. Oh, and Eliza –
I’ve just had a word with my good friend Shaw, here. He told us of
your dream. Now Watson knows a Professor Henry Higgins, and
he’s willing to take you on.
ELIZA: Wotcha mean, take me on?
WATSON: Make you into a lady.
ELIZA: Blimey! Wot’s ‘e a Professor of?
HOLMES: Linguistics and phonetics.
ELIZA: Wot’s that when it’s at ‘ome?
GBS: Elocution and English language.
ELIZA: Like wot is spoke by our own dear Queen?
GBS: Precisely.
(Enter Mrs. Dilber.)
MRS. D: Olivia! There you are! Congratulations – I’m so pleased for you – and
so are all the girls. I’ve given them the day off specially.
(Mrs. Dilber’s Girls run on, and hug and cuddle Eliza & Olivia.)
OLIVIA: Mrs. Dilber, Girls – I’ve got some wonderful news. I’m not an orphan
any more. This is my mother.
(Reaction of surprise and delight, as they all crowd round Olivia and Annie.)
ANNIE: Well, Olivia – it looks like you’ve had an eventful life. Any more
surprises for me?
(Enter Dicken.)
DICKEN: Missee Olivia! If it ain’t Missee Olivia!

OLIVIA: Dicken! What are you doing here?
DICKEN: Donkeys.
OLIVIA: I beg your pardon.
DICKEN: I own a string of donkeys now, and give chillen rides on ‘em at seaside.
Just up to London for a day trip.
OLIVIA: Everyone, this is on old friend, and a very kind man.
(Various handshakes with Dicken.)

OLIVIA: So you left the orphanage, then?

DICKEN: Aye, missee. Not afore it were closed down, though, and Mrs.
Murdstone dismissed, thanks to you. The girls followed your example,
they did, an’ run away, an’ it all came out, an’ there were a great stink
about it. Anyways, over an’ done with, now, and everyone’s happier for
it.
FAGIN: It seems as if everyone’s happier when Olivia comes into their life. Not
necessarily richer, but happier.
GBS: I’ll drink to that.
QUEENIE: So will my old man!
FAGIN: Let’s all drink to that.
(Enter Scrooge.)
SCROOGE: And I’m paying!

TRACK 18: OLIVIA (FINALE)
(Enter all the men who aren’t already on.)
ALL THE MEN: OLIVIA! OLIVIA!

IS THERE ANYONE AS SMART
AS OLIVIA? OLIVIA!
YOU WILL SURELY LOSE YOUR HEART
TO SUCH A PRETTY LITTLE GIRL,
SETS YOUR SENSES IN A WHIRL.
OLIVIA, WE’VE LOVED YOU FROM THE START.
(Enter all the girls who aren’t already on, except the Fat Lady.)
ALL THE GIRLS, except OLIVIA:

ALL OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN MADE BETTER BY OLIVIA. AH.
WE WILL ALWAYS BE INDEBTED TO OLIVIA. AH.
YOU’LL BE IN OUR THOUGHTS, WHETHER NEAR OR FAR,
TO US, OLIVIA, YOU’LL ALWAYS BE A STAR!
ALL THE MEN: ALL THE GIRLS, except OLIVIA:

OLIVIA! OLIVIA! ALL OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN
MADE BETTER BY OLIVIA.
IS THERE ANYONE AS SMART AH.
AS OLIVIA? OLIVIA! WE WILL ALWAYS BE INDEBTED TO
YOU WILL SURELY LOSE YOUR OLIVIA.
HEART, TO AH.
SUCH A PRETTY LITTLE GIRL, YOU’LL BE IN OUR THOUGHTS,
SETS YOUR SENSES IN A WHIRL. WHETHER NEAR OR FAR,
OLIVIA, TO US, OLIVIA,
WE’VE LOVED YOU FROM THE START. YOU’LL ALWAYS BE A STAR!
(Enter the Fat Lady.)
FAT LADY: WELL, I’M THE BIGGEST STAR, LA LA LA LA LA.

I’M SINGING, TRA-LA-LA. LA LA LA LA LA,
WHICH MEANS THE SHOW IS OVER, SO TARRA!
MEN: OLIVIA!
WOMEN: OLIVIA!
OLIVIA: OLIVIA


PHOTOCOPIABLE
LYRICS

Track 1: Orphans
(The first group of Orphans marches on.)
Group 1: Orphans, orphans, orphans, orphans,

Shut up in an orphanage day and night.
(The second group marches on. The two groups sing simultaneously:)
Group 1: Group 2:
Orphans, orphans, Orphans, orphans,
Ah. Working hard as slaves,
Do you think that’s right?
(The third group marches on. The three groups sing simultaneously:)
Groups 1 & 2: Group 3:

Ah. Nobody to listen
Ah, ah. To our plight.
All: Mrs. Murdstone is in charge.

Group 3: She’s rough,
Group 2: She’s tough,
Group 1: She’s ever so large.
Group 3: She treats us like we were dirt.
All: She’s like a sergeant-major in a skirt!
Orphans, orphans, orphans, orphans,
Orphans, orphans, orphans, orphans,
No-one cares about you when you’re out of sight!
(Shouted) It’s not right!

Track 2: Slop!
(The Orphans, including Olivia, go up to the table, collect their bowls and spoons,
then return to their places, sit cross-kneed and eat the slop, all during the course of
the song.)
Orphans: Slop! Every meal is this slop!

Every day without stop
All we get is this sticky goo,
Smells like glue, and tastes like it too!
Orphans: Slop!
Mrs. M: It’ll help you grow up
Orphans: Bucketfuls of this slop!
Mrs. M: If it doesn’t blow up!
Orphans: Scum that floats to the top.
Mrs. M: Though it makes you throw up,
And your tummies might get upset, don’t forget,
It’s all that you’ll get!
Orphans: She calls it gruel, it’s more like slime.

Was there ever more cruel a crime
Than this disgusting slop?
With its wind we go pop!
Wish that we could just drop the lot
Down the nearest drain.
But time and again.
No matter how we plead,
They feed us more and more
Of this revolting slop!
Mrs. M: Keeps you on the hop!
Orphans: (Shouted) It’s slop!

Track 3: Orphans (Reprise)
Group 1: Orphans, orphans, orphans, orphans,

Group 1: Group 2:
Ah. Working hard as slaves,
Do you think that’s right?
Groups 1 & 2: Group 3:

Ah. Shut up in an orphanage
Ah, ah. Day and night.
All: Orphans, orphans, orphans, orphans,

No-one cares about you when you’re out of sight!
(Shouted) It’s not right!

Track 4: Happiness Somewhere
Olivia: There has got to be some happiness somewhere,

Can’t just vanish without trace.
Somewhere in this world someone must care.
Somewhere there’s a better place.
And if I could find some happiness somewhere,
I’d spread that happiness around.
But no matter how I’ve tried,
No matter how I’ve cried,
No happiness have I found.
I’ve heard about it, been told about it,

I’ve read about it too.
But until I’ve known it for myself,
I can’t believe that it’s true.
There must be somebody out there
Who has hope and love to share.
For there has to be some happiness somewhere,
And I will find it, come what may.
Yes, that’s what I intend.
I’ll reach my journey’s end
When happiness comes my way.
There must be happiness somewhere.
Somewhere.

Track 5: London
All: Come to London, for it’s the place to be.

It’s a great city, is London.
Once you get here, there’s lots to do and see
In this great city of London.
Mayfair through to Chinatown,
Go to Leicester Square,
There is not a finer town anywhere.
For it’s London that casts a magic spell
Under which you will fall.
Keep your Paris or New York,
London’s the best city of all, of all, of all,
That’s London!

Track 6: I Want To Be A Lady
(N.B. if not already on as passers-by, etc, the Chorus can enter.)
Eliza: I don’t want a room somewhere,

I don’t want a fire and a cosy chair.
There’s just one thing I want to be,
And that’s a toff wot hits it off
Wiv the aristocracy!
I want to be a lady.
That’s what I long to be.
Hold my little pinkie up,
When I drink a cup of tea with dignity.
I want to be a lady,
Ever so smart and posh.
Where I used to curse and swear, I will just declare
“Oh, gosh! How terrible!”
Never coming back to Covent Garden

Unless I’m taken down the opera.
Won’t say “watch it, jack!”, I’ll say “beg your pardon”
It’s much more ladylike and properer.
Yes I want to be a proper lady,
Dripping with diamonds and pearls.
I’ll be going places, just see me at the races
With Dukes, and Barons and Earls.
Yes, I’m gonna be a lady,
Just watch me, girls!
(She dances like a “lady”, mockingly. Then the Chorus and Flower-Sellers sing
together:)

Chorus: Flower-sellers (optional):

She wants to be a lady. Get her!
Who does she think she is?
Ever so smart, and posh. Get her!
Who does she think she’s kidding?
Where before she’d curse and swear, So ladida,
Now she’ll just declare Wants to be a star.

“Oh gosh! But she’ll never be a lady!
How terrible!”
Eliza: Never gonna sell another flower,

Bouquets from fellers won’t be hard to find.
For it will be well within my power
To leave a trail of broken hearts behind.
Eliza: Flower-sellers (optional):

Yes, I want to be a proper lady, Get her, get her!
Well, just you get
Dripping with diamonds and Her, get her!
pearls.
I’ll be going places. Our Eliza,
Just see me at the races Nothing can surprise her.
With Dukes, and Barons and
Earls. Dukes and Earls.
Yes, I’m gonna be a lady:
Just watch me,
Girls! she wants to be a lady!
Get her!

Track 7: Good Times
Fagin & Dodger: We had some good times, didn’t we?

We had a great team that won’t be forgotten.
Fagin: Everyone pulled their weight,
And I’d just like to state
I miss them something rotten.
Dodger: We had a good thing going for us,
Fagin: But then it all went down the drain.
Both: But what the heck! Let’s start all over
And the good times will come again.
(Fagin’s old gang of boys appear at the back in spooky lighting, making them
almost seem ghosts. As their names are called, they acknowledge by gesture
– not too big to distract!)
Fagin: There was me, Fagin,

Dodger: And me, the Artful Dodger,
Fagin: There was Jack the Lad,
Dodger: And Little Jim.
Fagin: There was Bob, there was Bill,
Dodger: There was Walter, there was Will,
Both: And the great big lad we called Tiny Tim.
Fagin: Then young Oliver Twist came along,
And somehow it all came unstuck.
Dodger: It weren’t his fault that things went wrong.
Fagin: That it weren’t,
Both: But wherever he is, we wish him the best of luck.
What a team we had!

Gang (+ Choir): What a team we had!
Fagin & Dodger: What a dream we had…
Gang (+ Choir): What a dream we had…
Dodger: We thought it would last and last
Fagin: But now it’s all in the past.
All: We had some good times, didn’t we?

We had a great team that all pulled together.

We got richer each day, we were well on the way
To being the greatest ever!
Dodger: We had a good thing going for us,
Fagin: But then it all went down the drain.
All: But what the heck! Let’s start all over
And the good times will come again.
Yes, the good times will come again.
The good times will come again.

Track 8: Let’s Go To The Opera
Dodger: Let’s go to the opera.

Let’s go see the show.
Let’s go to the opera.
We might enjoy it,
You never know.
Fagin: The tenors may be corseted,
Dodger: And the sopranos rather stout.
Both: But let’s go to the opera,
And we’ll have a great night out!
(The Opera-Goers enter (waltzing on).
All Except Let’s go to the opera.

Lamplighter: Let’s go see the show.
Let’s go to the opera.
It’s the in place,
Don’t you know.
Everyone wants to be seen there,
Mixing with queens and kings.
And the opera isn’t over
‘Til the Fat Lady sings!
(All dance into the Opera House, except the Lamplighter.)
Lamplighter: (Spoken) One hour! Two hours! Three hours! Four hours!
(The Opera-Goers, except for Fagin & Dodger, stagger out.)
All Except We’ve been to the opera.

Lamplighter: Four hours and a half!
Urghhhh
During all the opera
There was not a single laugh.
Except when during the aria
The tenor tripped and fell.
And he landed on top of the Fat Lady,

Which was probably just as well!

(Enter Fagin & Dodger. Fagin is bored stiff; Dodger is enthusiastically
transported.)
(Dialogue over music.)
Fagin: Dodger, I’ve lost the will to live.

Dodger: I loved it. Best fing I’ve ever seen. I’ve made me mind up – I
want to be a singer.
Fagin: Yeah – and I want to be a ballet dancer.
Dodger: I’m serious, Fagin. I’m going to be a famous singer.
Fagin: But, Dodger, I can only do dishonest.
Dodger: You can be my agent.
Fagin: Now you’re talkin’!
All: (Sung) And the opera wasn’t over

‘Til the Fat Lady sang.
And here she is!
(Enter the Fat Lady.)
Fat Lady: La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, L- aaaaa
La, la, la, la, la, la
L- aaaaa
All: And the evening is finally over now the
Fat lady’s sung!

Track 9: If There’s A Star
Olivia: If there’s a star to wish upon,

La, la, la, la……, la, la………
La, la, la, la…….
La, la, la, la…….
La, la……, la……, la, la…….
If there’s a star to dream upon,

La, la, la, la……, la, la………
La, la, la, la la,……., la
La……, la, la……,
I hope all your dreams come true.

Track 10: That’s Life!
Mrs. D: Today’s lesson isn’t reading or writing or arithmetic.

Today’s lesson is more important than that.
It’s how to get by in life, and I think you’ll agree with me,
You’ve got to be prepared or life will knock you flat!
Life is a sham, it’s a scam,

It’s a scramble to survive.
Girls: That’s life!
Mrs. D: Life is a trick, if you’re slick
And you’re quick you’ll stay alive.
Mrs. D: You need some luck, if you’re stuck.
You must duck and you must dive.
Mrs. D: Living on the edge of a knife,
All: That’s life!
Girls: That’s life! That’s life!

You’ve got to have a plan.
For life. Yes, life
Will do you down if it can.
In life, in life, the winner takes all.
Grab it, or you’re heading for a fall.
That’s life!

Mrs. D: Girls:
Life is a sham, it’s a scam, That’s life! That’s life!
It’s a scramble to survive.
That’s life! You’ve got to have a plan.
Life is a trick, if you’re slick For life. Yes, life
And you’re quick
You’ll stay alive. Will do you down if it can.
That’s life!
You need some luck, In life, in life,
If you’re stuck,
You must duck
And you must dive.
That’s life! The winner takes all.
Living on the edge of a knife, Grab it, or you’re
Heading for a fall.
That’s life! That’s life! That’s life! That’s life!
Mrs. D: Got to get a grip on it, or you’ll trip and slip on it.
All: That’s life! That’s life!

Track 11: The Charity Rag
Olivia: If you’ve got cash, why go and hoard it?

Give us a coin, you can afford it.
There is nothing quite like the charity rag.
Emily: Burning an ‘ole, there in your pocket,
Think of the good if you unlock it.
Then you can be part of the charity rag.
Charlotte: Dragged from reluctant wallets,

You may think it’s like stealing.
But there is nothing like
That very special warm-hearted feeling
Olivia: When you have helped someone who’s needy.

You’ll feel so good.
Emily: O, yes, indeed-y!
Then you can enjoy the charity rag!
All 3: If you’ve got cash, why go and hoard it?

Give us a coin, you can afford it.
There is nothing quite like the charity rag.
Burning a hole, there in your pocket,
Think of the good if you unlock it.
Then you can be part of the charity rag.
Emily & Charlotte: Dragged from reluctant wallets,

All 3: When you have helped someone who’s needy.

You’ll feel so good. O, yes, indeed-y!
Then you can enjoy the charity rag,
The charity rag!

Olivia: Don’t you feel much better

Giving someone a chance.
And now you’re in the mood,
Everybody come on and dance.
(Emily, Charlotte & Olivia, dance round the crowd, collecting. The crowd is so
swept up by their sheer bravado that they put lots of money in the tins – coins,
even notes.)
DANCE
All 3: Dragged from reluctant wallets,

Crowd: When we have helped someone who’s needy.

We feel so good. O, yes, indeed-y!
And we can enjoy the charity rag.
The 3 girls: The charity rag!
All: Yeah!

Track 12: Who Am I?
Annie: Who am I? I wish I knew.

Who am I? What can I do?
To find the person you see,
To find the someone who’s me?
Who am I? What was my past?
Did good things ever come my way?
The years may have gone, but still I’ll carry on
‘Til I find out who am I some day.
Track 13: Here Comes The Judge
Usher: Here comes the Judge.

All be upstanding.
(All rise as the judge makes a stately entrance and takes his seat.)
(Usher): And though the judge has no understanding

Of the wrong-doer’s mentality,
It matters not a jot.
For the Judge will find him guilty,
Chorus: Whether guilty or not!

Track 14: The Criminal’s Song
Criminal: I was a cracking credit to the criminal community,

Where pockets could be picked,
I picked at every opportunity.
Though you may be inclined to incremental incredulity,
I was a cracking credit to the criminal community!
Chorus: he was a cracking credit to the criminal community!
Criminal: My occupation kept me fit, as it was far from sedent’ry.

Although it may be much despised
By persons prone to pedantry.
I went about my business
With a joke and with a pleasantry.
My victims never asked me to
Return the gifts they lent to me!
Chorus: His victims never asked him to
Return the gifts they lent to he!
Criminal: (Slower) If I could find a way to give my family security,

Undoubtedly I would become a paragon of purity.
Although I may have led a life that’s
Been allied to lawlessness…
(Spoken, searching for the rhyme)…lawlessness…lawlessness…ah, yes!
(sings) I promise to become a model citizen,

Well, more or less!
Chorus: (Gradually speeding up to original tempo.)
He promises to be a model citizen, well more or less,
Well more or less, well more or less,
Well more or more or more or less!

Criminal: (Original tempo.) I know I could become a useful member of society,

And lead a blameless life, without a moment’s impropriety.
For once and all I swear that I could give up criminality,
And my career will be concluded with complete finality!
Chorus: Yes, his career will be concluded
With complete finality!
With complete finality, finality, finality!

Track 15: The Convict’s Child
Daughter: Oh, please don’t imprison my father.

For he has been wicked and wild.
For if you imprison my father,
They’ll call me “the convict’s child”.
You may have good reason to doubt him,
But he has been cruelly reviled.
I don’t know what we’ll do without him,
So pity the convict’s child.
My life will be over for ever,

And so will my poor mother’s too.
But I know that my father can be good,
If you will be good to him too.
Chorus: Daughter:
Oh,
Please don’t imprison her father.
Please don’t imprison my
Although he’s been wicked and wild. Father.
So wicked and wild.
For if you imprison her father, If your imprison him
They’ll call her
“The convict’s child”. “The convict’s child”.
Daughter: So pity the convict’s child.

Track 16: The Criminal’s Song (Reprise)
Criminal: It takes a man of vision to use fraudulent paternity

To get out of imprisonment which could be for eternity.
And now I can assert,
With an assertion that’s a certainty
That I will make a comeback to the criminal fraternity!
Chorus: Yes, he will make a comeback to the criminal…
Criminal: Criminal…
Daughter: Criminal…
All: Fraternity!
Track 17: If There’s A Star (Reprise)
Olivia: If there’s a star to wish upon,

Annie: I wish the best for you.
Always be glad, never be sad,
All your whole life through.
Both: If there’s a star to dream upon.
Olivia: Dreaming is what I’ll do.
And if there’s a star to hope upon
I hope all your dreams come true.
Both: I hope all your dreams come true.

Track 18: Olivia (Finale)
All the Men: Olivia! Olivia!

Is there anyone as smart
As Olivia? Olivia!
You will surely lose your heart
To such a pretty little girl,
Sets your senses in a whirl.
Olivia, we’ve loved you from the start.
All the Girls
except Olivia: All our lives have been made better by Olivia. Ah.
We will always be indebted to Olivia. Ah.
You’ll be in our thoughts, whether near or far,
To us, Olivia, you’ll always be a star!
All the men: All the Girls, except Olivia:

Olivia! Olivia! All our lives have been
Made better by Olivia.
Is there anyone as smart Ah.
As Olivia? Olivia! We will always be indebted to
You will surely lose your heart, to Olivia.
Such a pretty little girl, Ah.
Sets your senses in a whirl. You’ll be in our thoughts,
Olivia, Whether near or far,
We’ve loved you from the start. To us, Olivia,
You’ll always be a star
Fat lady: Well, I’m the biggest star, la la la la la.

I’m singing, tra-la-la. La la la la la,
Which means the show is over, so tarra!
Men: Olivia!
Women: Olivia!
Olivia: Olivia!


PERFORMING AND COPYING LICENCES FOR

Olivia Junior
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We now offer a sliding scales of performance/copying licence charges if your school
has fewer than 200 pupils on roll: the smaller your school, the less you pay.
Please indicate below the number of children on roll.
If you wish to stage Olivia Junior
please copy this form and fax or post it COMPLETED to:
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17/110416/6 ISBN: 978 1 84237 093 3

No part of this publication may be transmitted, stored in a retrieval system, or reproduced in

Permission to perform this show from the publisher ‘MUSICLINE PUBLICATIONS’ is

All Rights Strictly Reserved.

Cast List .............................................................................................................................. 2

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

Plus:- Chorus of Londoners, Fagin’s “Ghost Gang” (8 boys), Opera-Goers, and

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

SPEAKING ROLES BY NUMBER OF LINES

* Olivia/Daughter .............................................................................................................. 138

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

CAST LIST IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER (WITH LINE COUNT)

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

LIST OF CHARACTERS IN EACH SCENE

Scene One Scene Five

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

Scene One [Orphanage]

Scene Three [Covent Garden]

Scene Five [Covent Garden]

Scene Six [Sherlock Holme’s Study]

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

Scene Seven [Savoy Theatre]

Scene Eight [Covent Garden]

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

LIGHTING AND SOUND

Scene Two. No specific lighting required.

Scene Four requires no specific lighting effects.

Scene Five should be lit as for the start of Scene Three.

Sound Effects (SFX)

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

SCENE ONE: MRS. MURDSTONE’S ORPHANAGE FOR GIRLS

(The first group of Orphans marches on.)

GROUP 1: ORPHANS, ORPHANS, ORPHANS, ORPHANS,

GROUPS 1 & 2: GROUP 3:

ALL: MRS. MURDSTONE IS IN CHARGE.

ORPHAN 3: It’s Mrs. Murdstone!

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

(The Orphans scream.)

MRS. M: Silence when you scream!

(All fall silent.)

(The Orphans groan.)

(The Orphans sit down and Olivia joins them.)

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

Talk about a tyrant.

(The Orphans giggle.).

OLIVIA: I drew a moustache on a picture of the Order’s founder.

OLIVIA: And I burped after meals.

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

(The Orphans gather round to look, and express admiration, etc.)

ORPHAN 4: She’s very like you.

(The Orphans titter.)

(The Orphans laugh.)

© Musicline Publications Ltd.

(The Orphans titter.)

MRS. M: Did I give you permission to snigger?

(The Orphans go silent, cowed).

(All the Orphans groan.)

MRS. M: I thought you’d be pleased. Dicken, start serving your culinary

© Musicline Publications Ltd.