1.

Introduction: How might the author provide a more concrete opening that identifies a
specific situation and diverse and competing responses to it? How might the writer further
identify the significance of the issue?

I believe your introduction is a good start. You may want to add a statistic on how
much technology is involved in college. This could be a statistic on how many students
own computers or what courses include online assignments. Also, you may want to add
a clearer example on how it is actually an issue.

2. Thesis: Examine the writer’s thesis. What thesis model does it follow? How might it more
clearly present the positions it is disputing or distinguishing itself from? How might its main
claim be deeper, more concrete, more surprising or clearer?

From the reading, your thesis appears to be either the last sentence of the introduction
paragraph or the second to last sentence. It would be better if you somehow made
those two sentences into one which would then make it sound more like a thesis. This
is because you have the cause in the second to last sentence and then the effect on the
last sentence. Your thesis reads to be constructed using the fill in the gap model
because you’re writing about how it’s overlooked that students misuse technology.
Also, you can introduce some examples of how it is misused (ex. Games, messaging in
class, cheating etc.).

3. Structure: Review each paragraph: Where are clearer topic sentences? What points remain
to be discussed? Which paragraphs seem repetitive or lacking full examination? Which
paragraphs lose focus on their main idea?

Your topic sentences do introduce the ideas you talk about in the paragraph. However,
throughout the body paragraphs you do get more personal when you state the part
about being an international student and about your friend that is addicted to his
phone. I’m not sure if this is allowed since it is an article to a scholarly audience? Again,
I’m not sure but if it is, I think you should elaborate more on how much time your friend
spends on his phone and how you personally as a college student use your phone to
maybe take pictures of slides/notes and how it helps you to study/ write down notes
later on…Another thing I’d like to add is I didn’t quite understand the reasoning behind
why you added the sentence about cigarettes and cake, it seems out of place. I think
you should explain it regarding the citation you used in the sentence before. Also, I like
your example on how it is tempting to open a notification because it really is.

4. Evidence: Evaluate each body paragraph. Does each paragraph provide 2-3 specific
evidence to support that paragraph's claims? Is the connection between paragraph point
and evidence discussed? What additional research might the writer look for to deepen their
argument?
 Each paragraph does include at least one piece of evidence to support each paragraph’s
claim. I just think you should work on elaborating on them more. You can maybe add a
less personal example. Also, you incorporated a source about how conversation is
different through phone and in person, however I don’t see how it relates to the whole
student issue. Your idea about how it affects sleep is kind of random and I think you
should provide a source for it if you’re going to keep that piece of evidence. However, I
don’t think you should use it since it is a broader example that you used.

5. Alternative Views: Does the writer discuss alternative views? Are they then refuted? What
alternative views remain unexamined?

Reading your essay, your alternative view appears to be how it’s used for taking notes
later on, e-books, the dictionary and the thesaurus. I don’t think there’s a more
stronger alternative view you can use since technology is mostly used for the reasons
you introduced. However, you may want to explain what you meant when you
presented the source in that paragraph. What are those features you mention? And
how do they help students in studying?

6. Integration of sources: Look at each reference to another source. Where are introduction
of sources and signal phrases missing? Where are in-text citations missing or inaccurate?
What other research do you feel should be provided.

You do a good job of using signal phrases and introducing your sources. I just think your
source about how communication is different in person and through phone does not
relate to your argument. You should add a statistic on your source about how it affects
sleep.

7. Style and Mechanics: Generally, what do you find are the areas of editing and style that
the writer needs to focus on?

I think you should focus on elaborating on your ideas a bit more. It would be helpful if
you further explained your sources and why it was important to mention them.

8. Conclusion: How does the paper conclude? What might make the conclusion more
interesting?

Your concludes on giving advice on how students should use their phone. It would be
more interesting if you would say things like “give yourself this much time to study
instead of being on your phone and you’ll see improvement”.

9. Works Cited: Review the Works Cited page. Is the page formatted according to MLA
criteria? Which citations appear inaccurate?

For your works cited, you should capitalize the c in “Cited”. Your entries should in
alphabetical order by last name and there should not be any big gaps. I believe Novak
talked something about making indents so there’s not big spaces.