Chapter 16

Reading the Signs

In This Chapter
! Showing that you’re interested
! Paying attention to all the signals
! Recognising different types of gestures

I n order to interpret body language accurately you have to notice it first. If

you think this sounds pretty obvious, you’re right. And yet some people
just don’t pay enough attention to how someone else is behaving. Then
they’re surprised when the person tells them he’s unhappy, he’s angry, or
he’s packing up and leaving home. ‘But you never told me’, is the response. ‘If
you’d paid attention, you’d have realised’, comes the reply.

Noticing how people behave is the first step towards understanding. After
that you can begin to interpret what their behaviour means. Be careful at this
point. The experienced observer knows that it takes more than one gesture
to convey a message.

Think of body language in the same way as you do the spoken word. If you
want to communicate a concept you have to speak several words, or even a
few sentences, to express what you mean. Body language works the same
way. One gesture doesn’t tell the whole story. It takes several actions, work-
ing together, to signal a person’s feelings, thoughts, and attitudes.

In this chapter you explore and interpret gesture clusters and see where
there may be contradictions between what someone says and how he says it.

Taking an Interest in Other People

When people are wrapped up in themselves, they often don’t notice how
someone else is behaving. Big mistake. By failing to spot the signs, you edit
out valuable information. The way a person behaves can complement, sup-
plement, and even supersede what he’s saying.
258 Part IV: Putting the Body into Social and Business Context

By observing people’s body language, you’re on the inside track to knowing

what’s going on between them. Whether you’re observing participants in a
business meeting, a family negotiation, or watching a couple in a restaurant,
by being aware of how the people position and move their bodies, you may
end up understanding more about their relationship than they do.

Here’s a list of the telltale, mainly facial, expressions for different emotions:

! Happiness: Lower eyelids are slightly raised, crinkling around the outer
edges of the eyes, eyes sometimes narrow; the corners of the lips move
up and out and lips may part to expose upper teeth; cheeks are raised
with an apple-like bulge; C-like wrinkles pull up from corners of raised
lips to the sides of the nose. Body is open and forward moving.
! Surprise: The eyebrows zoom upwards in a curve, wrinkles spread
across the forehead; eyes open wide showing their whites; jaw drops;
mouth slackens. Head hunches into raised shoulders.
! Sadness: Inner ends of the eyebrows rise; eyes appear moist; mouth
drops at the corners and the face appears limp; lips may quiver.
Shoulders hunch forward; body is slack.
! Fear: Similar to surprise with subtle differences. Raised eyebrows are
pulled together (not as much curve in the brow as in surprise). Forehead
furrows in centre (when surprised, furrow carries across the brow).
Whites of the eyes show; lips are pulled back; mouth is slightly opened.
Shoulders are hunched, with a backward movement to the body.
! Anger: Eyebrows pulled down and inward; vertical crease between the
brows; eyes narrow and take on a hard, staring look. Lips close tightly,
and turn down at the corners; nostrils may flare. Hands are clenched,
body is forward moving.

Be subtle when watching other people. If they feel they’re being scrutinised,
they may become antagonistic toward you.

James, a highly respected and acclaimed prize winning scientist, is quite a bit
older than his current wife. At a private dinner party held in his honour he
was invited to speak informally while coffee was being served. Earlier in the
day he had been the guest speaker at a luncheon meeting of colleagues and
supporters. At that time he spoke with reasonable authority and clarity. In
public view, his wife looked at him adoringly, laughed at his jokes, and led the
applause. By the end of the evening James was tired. His stories rambled, his
words were mumbled, and his jokes fell flat. As he spoke, his wife whispered
and giggled with her young, handsome dinner partner, occasionally casting a
glance towards her husband and pointing to her watch as if to tell him that it
was time for him to wrap it up. When he finally sat down, his wife scowled at
him across the table before turning again to the man on her right and resum-
ing their intimate discussion. By the way James’s wife behaved throughout
the day and evening, it was clear that their relationship was both complex
and complicated.
 Chapter 16: Reading the Signs 259
Drawing Conclusions from
What You Observe
To read body language signals accurately you have to consider the combina-
tion of gestures, whether they match what the person’s saying, and the con-
text in which you’re seeing them. For example, when someone scratches his
nose, that’s not necessarily an immediate indication of guilt. He just may
have an itchy nose. If, however, his eyes dart about, he’s chewing his lip, his
legs are crossed, and one arm is tightly folded over his body, you’re safe in
betting that he’s in a negative state.

The following sections explain how to go about drawing thoughtful conclusions.

Looking at the sum total of the gestures

When observing body language watch for all the behaviours. Making a judge-
ment based on one gesture may lead you down the wrong path. If the sides of
a person’s lips are lifted up, don’t assume he’s happy. Look to see what his
eyes are doing. If he’s got a vertical line running between his brows and is
leaning forward, he’s showing you that he’s interested, not angry.

A smile is not just a smile and a kiss is not just a kiss, no matter what the
song says. The sides of the mouth going up while the sides of the eyes pull
down gives two meanings. The mouth says happy and the eyes say sad.
When in doubt, trust the eyes.

If you want to be believed make sure that your body language accurately
reflects what you’re saying. People always believe what they see more than
what they hear.

Drumming fingers can indicate boredom, but can also indicate anxiety, ner-
vousness, and other types of stress. Staring into space with dull eyes says
he’s bored. Staring into space with engaged eyes tells you that he’s listening.
Crossed arms across his chest may indicate that he’s feeling cold, or that he’s
adverse to what you’re saying. Observe the gestures in context. When in
doubt of a person’s attitude, look to see how his body’s positioned.

If you want to tell a person’s mood look to the following for clues.

Signalling stress
One way of telling when someone is feeling stressed is to observe his face
and hands. If he’s rubbing his eyes or the bridge of his nose, holding his
head, or stroking his neck, you can bet he’s feeling under pressure. When you
respond in a way that relieves that pressure, he’s forever grateful.