WHEN THERE ARE NO ANSWERS - Jennifer Harwood

SAMPLE CHAPTER ONE

The Nightmare That Won’t End

What I’ll always remember most was his sense of humor. For whatever reason,

we were on the same wavelength. I have never met anyone else who seemed to care as

much about me. He was such a good, nice, decent guy, one of those you didn’t care to

bring home. He made me feel like I was the greatest thing in the world. I still find myself

drifting back to thoughts of him, even after 15 years. It doesn’t seem like it should have

been that long ago. When I hear that song on the radio, I go back to him in my mind. I

will always have him with me, and he will always be alive inside my heart. It is so

special when you find someone who shares all the laughs with you and understands you

totally. We had so much fun. We laughed and laughed, laughed ‘til we’d cry; until that

day. After, there was no more laughter following my tears.

—Sharon, 37

In my work as a clinical social worker, I have conducted thousands of crisis evaluations,

mostly in emergency room settings, with people contemplating suicide. The stories and

methods shared many similarities. Some only considered suicide passively, but really

wanted to make the inner pain stop. Others, more actively suicidal, had given up all hope

that things would improve. They struggled with this issue for a long time, from months

to years.

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 When the time came to act on the plan, three typical characteristics emerged:

1) A well thought-out plan - including how to protect the families;

2) The presence of suicide notes, written not to cause additional pain, but to

explain in advance for the pain and suffering their families would experience;

3) A lack of apology for the act, as they saw it as the best solution, and

expression of kindness to loved ones.

The purpose of this book is to help normalize the reactions of those left behind, to

help understand what the person may have been going through, and to offer hope for

recovery, remembrance, and peace.

Grief is a normal reaction when we suffer a loss. Most people go through the

process of grief in stages. According to Elisabeth Kubler Ross, the author of On Death

and Dying and a pioneer in the field of the process of dying, five stages of grief exist:

denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. However, when a person commits

suicide, other emotions and reactions emerge from loved ones that many consider

abnormal.

Many survivors struggle with why their loved one chose suicide as an option.

While the reasons vary, some common reasons “why” may include mental health or

substance abuse issues, divorces or other stress-inducing situations or lifestyle choices,

health issues, unresolved past issues, or their own inability to cope with grief over their

own losses. One woman I worked with, Jill, thought her husband was progressing nicely

in his recovery from addiction. She perceived his kindness the final few weeks before his

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suicide as an attempt to repair their relationship. It never dawned on her, she said, that he

was preparing for his death. She could not understand how he was unable to release his

past and move on. “After all, he has been sober for 19 months,” she said. Why, then,

was he still so depressed?

Another day, Sam called to inform me of the suicide of his son and my client,

Matt. I could hear the shock in Sam’s shaking voice as he described what occurred that

day. Matt had left the relationship with which he was struggling, and his daughter told

him the night before she forgave him. The way Sam saw it, his son experienced events

that provide happiness; after all, things just worked out in a most positive way. However,

Sam failed to understand the level of grief Matt was moving through. The new beginning

Sam mistakenly perceived was, in fact, his son’s process of saying goodbye.

Whatever the reason, we may never specify why someone deemed suicide the

only viable act. However, we get somewhere when we ask, “What type of thoughts and

feelings may have led someone to consider and carry out with suicide?”

Throughout this book, I incorporate excerpts from my past clients to offer insights

into the minds of some who have attempted suicide. This will help us enter the world of

despair of our loved ones, not to condone their actions, but to begin to understand and,

eventually, forgive not only them but ourselves as well.

“If it were not for my family right now, I would probably die. I wish I were out of

this. I love my family so much. I don’t want to hurt them. I feel so bad inside right now.

Why now? I have to be able to function well right now for work, but I am barely

functioning at all. Susanne said I scared her because I don’t invest anything in me.

Maybe she is right. The hell I am walking through right now is unbearable. My

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existence hurts. I am always going to be alone with my thoughts. Scary. How can I

stay, but how can I go?”

—22-year-old who attempted suicide

This woman is struggling with her despair and attempts to find a way out, and the

reality of what her family will ultimately go through. The confusion, anguish, and

confounded state she finds herself in only increased her despair, increased her need to

escape.

A 2000 National Vital Statistics Reports report by S.L. Murphy, “Deaths: Final

Data for 1998”, listed some common statistics involving suicides:

• For every completed suicide, there are eight to 25 attempts.

• The ratio is higher in women and youth and lower in men and the elderly;

• More women than men report a history of attempted suicide, with a gender ratio

of 2:1;

• The strongest risk factors for attempted suicide in adults are depression, alcohol

abuse, cocaine use, and separation or divorce;

• The strongest risk factors for attempted suicide in youth are depression, alcohol

and other drug use disorders, and aggressive or disruptive behaviors;

• Suicide takes the lives of about 30,000 each year; and

• For every death by suicide, there are 25 attempts.

Despite the fears of some who felt the changing roles of women in our society

would create more opportunity for affective disorders, and thus, increased incidences of

suicide, the completion rates for suicides of women has remained dramatically lower than

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for men. Typically, men tend to use more lethal means, such as guns and hanging; thus,

attempts are more successful than for women, who use less lethal methods, such as

overdoses and other poisonings.

“I don’t really think I could ever go through with it, but you never know what

could happen on those winding roads. If I knew my children could be taken care of by

the life insurance, it wouldn’t bother me to have an accident. I wish I were dead, but

more than that, I wish God would just take me. I can’t stand these feelings, but I don’t

think I could put my family through this. I’m just so confused, so sad, so desperate! I

just don’t see a way out of this pain!”

—Female, 28, contemplating suicide

“If I ever do it, I will make sure I don’t mess that up like I have messed up the rest

of my life. I’ll make damn sure there is no room for error! I have a gun and I’m not

afraid to use it. I don’t want to wind up a vegetable my family has to take care of. That

would be ten times worse!”

—Male, 46, contemplating suicide

In these stories, we see the differences between men and women in the passive or

active level of intentions. Although both are real contemplations, men look to direct

means for success while women tend to look for ways out of pain and suicide is the

option chosen.

Suicide carries a social stigma that wraps like albatrosses around the necks of

those who have attempted or completed the act. The stigma extends to those left behind.

For every completed suicide, a minimum six people are directly impacted. Since 1971,

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one out of every 59 Americans has survived a suicide. Some survivors experience

others’ reactions to them as shock, condemnation, revulsion, or pity. They feel not only

grief and anger, but also guilt, depression, exhaustion, hostility, terror, and vulnerability.

People often implicitly or explicitly accuse them of neglecting the one who died. Why

weren’t they attentive enough to see what was happening? How could they drive the

person away emotionally at his or her most vulnerable time? Why did they leave the

despondent person alone with a gun, bottle of pills, or keys to the car? Why didn’t they

trust their gut feeling and go back to the room one more time? Why did they say, scream

or yell such provocative words? What else could they have done? They should have

known! How could they have been so insensitive?

Add the continuing religious and ethical prejudices that exists only slightly below

the surface, stir it up, and you have a toxic cocktail that defies recovery and healing.

In a 1995 study “Counseling survivors of suicide: Implications for group

postvention”, M.M. Moore and S. Freeman found that a family member’s suicide is

considered the most painful death for families. Family members perceive the loss as

senseless, and they’re often forever searching for the answer to the big question: “Why”?

They may also grieve the opportunities lost because of the suicider’s despondency and

eventual death, and feel considerable guilt over a sense of failed responsibilities to the

deceased. A poem written by the best family friend of a client captures the intensity,

range and confoundedness of these feelings:

Your dark streak killed a spirit

Meant to grab hearts
by their most sacred, vulnerable parts

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 and guide them into promised lands
as rich with light, loam, green love
as the hills and woods
you called home for twenty years.

You had it all, brother –

that way of commanding the stage,
eyes that absorbed detail
with the awareness of a cat,
heart that could drag souls
from deepest cavepool shadows
and bring them face-to-face
with their monsters and demons.
You just laughed at those forces,
brushed them away from others,

Until they got fed up

with losing souls to your hard work
and turned on you.
When they did, you started taking down
those who loved you most,
because you could no longer handle the pain
they redirected your way.
I eluded your grasp. Barely.

I’d never picked up the pieces of a fallen brother

until the night you walked into the bunkhouse
called your son, blamed him for everything
while screaming inside at your daughter trapped
in a horrendous marital jail,

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 the grandkids trapped with her
by a man you hated,
a man just like the one you’d become.
You shut the bunkhouse door on your wife,
shoved her beauty and devotion
into her face like a dirty sock
and put a gun to the place
that hurt most inside you – your heart.
You sprayed your rage into the faces
of the rest of us.

It would have been easier to deal

had you simply vacated and left us
with the memories of who you once were
instead of escaping your diseased flesh tomb
and hovering all around, causing a ruckus,
Lazarus on a bender,
making sure the two women who loved you most
stayed in lockdown, where you put them
when you could no longer acknowledge beauty.

I’m tired of picking pieces of your flesh

and misdirected spirit
out of the hearts and souls
of those you left behind.
Go on, brother. Take your lost soul
into the light
and remember what once attracted
so many people to your flame.
Back here, we’ll clean up your mess

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 put ourselves together
and soldier on with a depth of love
you so mightily expressed
until the day those monsters and demons
got tired of your victories
caught you off-guard
and swallowed you up.

We may not feel it appropriate to discuss the situation or the person after a

suicide. However, this type of talk is not only appropriate and healthy, but also very

necessary. In fact, silence often leads to suicide – and continued silence stifles the ability

of survivors to heal. Many survivors feel they possess little or no right to grieve, that

they cannot openly discuss the tragedy with people, and that they should not speak the

person’s name because of the negative thoughts and impressions of others. Many

survivors find it difficult to accept that their loved one’s death came from suicide. The

risk for isolation and abandonment associated with grief, already problematic, only

increases due to a survivor’s hesitance to openly grieve and speak of the deceased person

without social criticism.

“You were the most important element in my life and you left me, and nothing

will ever equal its importance. No more “daddy’s little girl.” And now look where you

are. The worst part comes when I can’t cry anymore, because I just get even angrier and

bitterer (sic). There is only complete silence that permeates my skin and my being. I get

even more furious when silence makes me think of you!”

—Woman, 28, Father suicided in 2004

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 The palpability of the woman’s anger, desperation, sorrow and helplessness is so

absolute that we can feel it in her words. Imagine how she feels. It took her two years

after her father’s suicide to face the matter—and another several months after that to

write about it. She also suffered from a rash of personal problems, include despondency

bordering on suicidal tendencies, no doubt exacerbated by her tumultuous relationship

with her father and his decision to end it all before they had a chance to talk or heal.

Three years after the man’s suicide, she at last reached a point where she could wake up

every morning and remember the goodness in her father—and face a life not defined by

immediate crises or fires to put out.

The majority of suicides are committed by persons suffering from very deep

depression. For them, this is a logical solution. Clinical depression symptoms include

persistent sad, anxious or "empty" moods, loss of interest or pleasure in activities,

restlessness, irritability, excessive crying, feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness,

hopelessness, and/or pessimism, sleeping too much or too little, early-morning

awakening without the ability to get back to sleep, other types of sleep disturbances,

appetite disturbances, weight loss or overeating and weight gain, decreased energy,

fatigue, thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts, difficulty concentrating,

remembering or making decisions, and persistent physical symptoms that do not respond

to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain.

“I wish I could stop thinking about all this. I wish it would stop! My head hurts.

My body hurts. I feel so alone. God, I feel so alone. I need someone to understand. I

wish I didn’t need to talk or feel or think. I wish I didn’t have to do anything. I am so

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tired. Why do I feel so rattled and nervous inside? I feel like a wreck. It’s like I’m

shaking inside all the time. Even when I feel ok, I still feel like there is something right

on the edge. It’s like there are waves that run inside me, only contained by the necessity

to do so. What is it? What’s inside me? Will it ever end? How much can I take? How

much longer do I have to?”

— Journal excerpts from Woman, now 31, who attempted at 19

In this excerpt, we see some of the physical symptoms of depression manifest.

The despair of wondering “what is wrong with me” continues into the physical aspects,

and expand the depression.

One man in his late 60’s came into the hospital where I worked. He was very

calm, polite and very sure of himself. He asked to speak to a therapist. As we sat down,

he shared a decision he made – he would end his life. “I just wanted to be sure this was a

hospital that would be able to take care of an emergency situation,” he said.

My first thought was that he wanted an intervention to assist with the depression

and suicidal thoughts. I was wrong. “My wife has recently died, my children are

estranged from me, I am retired, most of my friends have passed away, and I just don’t

want to be alone anymore,” he said. “The reason I came here was to make sure that when

I shoot myself, medical staff would be available to harvest my organs. Although I am

old, I am healthy and there may be someone who could use them. It seems a waste to not

take them.”

The “waste” was his despair and loneliness. We did intervene and keep this

gentleman safe for a time; however, it may not have been enough. When he left the

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hospital, he smiled broadly and thanked the staff. Watching him walk away, the thought

tore at me that no one, myself included, can change the course of another’s life. I cannot

tell you what happened to this man; I did not see him again. I hope he realized someone

cared very much about him, and that he cared about his own life again.

There is general consensus among the professionals who work with suicide that it

follows a series of neurobiological and psychological breakdowns. Suicide occurs when

traumatic stress induces psychological pain so unbearable that death appears the only

relief. It also entails changes in brain chemistry and physiology. Suicidal individuals

manifest varied chemical imbalances, the most notable of which is depleted serotonin, a

neurotransmitter that inhibits self-harm. Additionally, suicidal individuals and those with

chronic pain share an experience of recurrent stress and intense pain that decreases

endorphin levels in the brain, thereby increasing their vulnerability.

Clients who have attempted suicide share with me time and time again how they

never meant to hurt anyone. They saw suicide as their way of relieving their families of

that which they considered themselves - a burden. Family or friends were rendered

powerless to take any corrective action. For the victim, it was a way out. I’ll give you an

example of this powerlessness from the life of a man who carried out his suicide. One

evening, the man’s wife called a family friend. She told him that her husband seemed

serious about killing himself this time, after years of hearing his idle threats. This time,

she said she saw it in his eyes.

“You know, in some states, they have the Baker Act, where you can have

someone picked up by the cops and locked up in a psychiatric hospital for their own

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protection,” the man told her. “I think that’s your only recourse right now.”

“I agree. But I can’t handle it right now - can you do it?”

Immediately after getting off the phone, he called the man’s other lifelong friend.

They agreed to make the contacts necessary to see if their suicidal buddy could be

protected from himself. Each spent the day calling authorities and learning how the

process worked in the southern state where the man lived.

That’s as far as they got. A day later, while the authorities were deciding when to

make their move, the man took his final step. He drugged himself up with an inordinate

amount of Valium and other pills, locked himself in a storage area, called his son to say

goodbye, then shot and killed himself.

Hearing stories of persons who attempted or contemplated suicide may also help

gain perspective on just how real the despair was, how hopeless they seemed, and how,

very often, not wanting to hurt their loved ones was the only reason they did not act

sooner. It does not mean that the love given to them was not good enough. Instead,

suiciding may have been their way of showing love back - by letting go.

“I am so very sad right now. I feel alone and cold, almost empty. It is like my

sadness is so deep and hard I can’t see anything else. I hurt. I wish I were not here. I

do not know what I feel right now other that pain. I am empty. I wish I didn’t care so

much about people. My family…friends…I don’t want to hurt them. But maybe they

would be better off if they didn’t have me to worry about. I can see in their eyes how

they worry. They want to help, and it would be great if they could. But I don’t think

anyone or anything can help me. I don’t see any way out of this pain. I hate trying. I

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feel like it is a waste of time, but I don’t want to hurt anyone. I have already hurt so

many people. But do I ever get a chance to help myself stop hurting? Will I ever figure

out why it hurts so much inside me? If I don’t know, who could ever tell me??

—Attempted at 22 years old

The days and weeks after a loved one’s suicide are tremendously difficult. These

survivors will never forget the deceased person, and there is no reason they must. At

first, though, it adds to the pain. These are times of feeling confused and forgetful; this is

normal, to be expected. One may also experience exhaustion and overwhelming pain.

This grieving may take several years before one feels a sense of true recovery. It is vital

to undertake the grief work, and a commendable choice to begin recovery. Bear in mind

that you’re on a journey, and the time will arrive when the pain will not be such a

pervasive, front-burner matter. By working through your grief and allowing the feelings

to come forth, the process begins. Remember, as with any type of grief, it will not

always hurt this bad. The initial opening of the wounds is the most painful.

“All I really need from you is for you to be here. Things would be so much

easier. I just need you to hug me one more time and say, “Little Girl, it will be alright.”

—Woman, 28, Father suicided in 2004

Here, the depression stage is very active. The stages of grief will not necessarily

be in any type of order—but they will occur.

Other people can be a tremendous help at this time. Sharing pain with others

produces a way to heal. We realize our feelings are similar. Together, lasting support

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systems can be built with others going through these same situations. Take comfort in

knowing there are many others who have experienced this before.

Literature shows that the grief reactions of suicide survivors are more intense than

with other types of grief. For that reason, among others, a suicide survivor should enter

into a helping situation as soon as possible after the tragedy - some say within 24 hours.

Unfortunately, there are very few suicide support groups in existence. There is an

overall lack of these types of services in all areas, such as rural communities. A support

group can be a formal structure conducted by a professional, or an informal gathering of

people who come together for a common purpose. In a support group, as with any other

type of therapy, there is no right or wrong, only opinions and experiences that are shared.

Suggested solutions or actions that work for one might not suit another. This is

customary. Either several persons can work together to write and develop materials, or

an individual can work independently on his or her healing.

If several persons choose to begin a support group, they may know a group of

interested people. If more members are needed or desired, one can contact the local

funeral homes or mortuary for perspective members. Often with a suicide, family

members request information on such a group to attend in order to process the experience

they’ve just endured.

This material can also be used independently, but I would suggest that at least one

“go-to” person be available with whom a safe discussion of these exercises can occur.

I must underscore something; This material is not meant to be a substitute for

professional help. Many survivors may need more intense treatment or assistance. While

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some survivors do experience suicidal thoughts after the death, it does not mean they will

act. However, if the survivor is experiencing suicidal thoughts that cause alarm,

immediate professional help may be needed.

One of the first ways to heal is to allow ourselves to feel. We may feel anger at

the person for suiciding. We may ask ourselves “Why?” and “If I’d only…” questions

until our heads ache. Any of these feeling and questions are normal. We must process

what has happened and wrap our minds around the reality, so allow yourself to feel how

you feel.

As you begin to process this experience, it is important to remember that no

matter what happens, you will survive. Hold on to the knowledge that recovery is

possible. Survivors may feel like they are going “crazy”, but remember, this is a time of

mourning. There is no right or wrong way to feel. You might feel angry or express anger

toward others, the world, or even your own religious perceptions. This, too, is okay to

feel and express appropriately. Be cautious that feelings of guilt do not fester into shame.

Processing the exercises in this book is a major way to begin to deal with the guilt before

it can internalize.

“I kept thinking that this was a dream…that all I had to do was stay calm and

logical and this would all get back to normal. Later that night when it started to really

sink in, I felt like I was going to tear apart inside! All I wanted to do was hit something,

scream, run, find out who was responsible for this and make them take it back! I kept

thinking back over the last few hours before it happened, replaying what I needed to go

back and change, what I should have done differently, what I shouldn’t or should have

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said! The only word that kept running in my head was “NO!”

—Sharon, 37

Sharon’s initial pain, confusion, anger, and bargaining is evident in this excerpt.

Her reaction is very common and there is a tremendous need to know what to do next.

This is one of the main reasons this book is so important—it provides you the opportunity

to begin to do something.

Take this journey one day at a time; it will not end quickly. There are many

feelings to process, especially with a suicide. There may be emotional setbacks in this

journey, as with any self-exploration or grieving process. It may be wise to put off any

major life decisions until the emotional pain has lifted somewhat. Take care of yourself,

and find supportive friends and others to listen and to allow your healing tears to flow.

This is crucial. Remember that no one solely influences another person’s life. This was

not a choice you made or wanted, but this is what happened. You do not have to like it,

approve of it, or justify it; you do have to eventually accept it and move forward. Being

aware that others are also in pain is a way to help each other with the healing. Be patient.

There may be some who tell you how you “should” and “need to” feel. If possible, steer

clear of these people, no matter how well intentioned; there is no right or wrong in any

type of grief. Talking about the suicide over and over is normal and healthy; the need to

talk is a normal feeling. These questions need to be explored and re-explored until we

are able to accept the conclusions that remain. As a surviving friend, loved one or

attempter, you will never quite be the same again. However, remember: the definition of

acceptance is not “forgetting.” Acceptance moves us beyond survival to healing.

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