IELTS-planet writing

In some cultures the old age is more valued, while in some cultures youth is more valued. Discuss both
views and give your opinion?

Many cities around the world have different views about the value of the elderly and young people. Normally, Commented [tn1]: Good

the old is more appreciated than the young. While I accept that this may suit many people, I believe that others
show their pride in different ways. Commented [tn2]: Unsure about what you mean here. Thus,
your opinion is unclear.
To begin with, older people who have a long time to experienced multiple jobs, harvesting more hands-on Commented [tn3]: ,who
skills for their career. With abundant professional, they are able to avoid the pitfalls of the past. Furthermore, Commented [tn4]: Have. Don’t use a word if you are unsure.
Using simple words in the appropriate context is more effective.
the ability to deal with pressing multitasking simultaneously allows them to go through efficiency. Therefore,
they can gain more values for their current companies and society. This will be proven by looking at how the Commented [tn5]: This has no meaning

elderly Japanese people can play a prominent part in tutoring students from academic knowledge. Commented [tn6]: You overcomplicate your sentence which
make it hard to understand what you are trying to say.
However, vigorous and enthusiastic young men who embrace innovative ideas are capable of assimilating into Commented [tn7]: The reader would be unsure about what
they go through.
new things. As a result, they can keep abreast of latest breakthroughs in technological innovation to counteract
Commented [tn8]: It is difficult to make sense out of this
the traditional stereotype of management and manufacturing. Moreover, without being constrained by family sentence. “furthermore, the elderly has the skill to deal with
commitments, it would be extremely suitable for them to immerse themselves into their works. For instance, stressful work that requires multitasking. “
Economy University found in recent years that 72% of successful start-up companies are established almost by Commented [tn9]: Be more beneficial for
the young especially young generation. Commented [tn10]: ….society than the young.
Commented [tn11]: Is
In conclusion, some cultures may choose to value the old age, but it seems to me that age is just a number. If
Commented [tn12]: In Japan
young people’s capacity is acknowledged and respected, they can develop their competence and make
Commented [tn13]: “Has an important role in teaching
contributions to the fullest extent.
students academic knowledge. “ I am sure that you can write
sentence like this easily. Remember that it is very easy to have
misunderstanding in writing as everyone perceives things
differently. If it is hard for you to come up with the sentence, it will
Grade be impossible for others to understand.

4 Commented [tn14]: The idea in this sentence is not exactly the

Task Your view is not clearly presented. You appear to not understand the
result of the previous idea; therefore, you cant use “ as a result”.
Response question. A lot of your sentences have vague meaning.
Commented [tn15]: The latest
Cohesion and 4-5 As it is difficult to make sense out of your sentences, ultimately Commented [tn16]: Good sentence, but this doesn’t support
Coherence cohesion and coherence mark is also low the previous sentence.
Commented [tn17]: Easier
Vocabulary 5 You have all the vocabularies that a writer band 7 or 8 have. However,
Commented [tn18]: “And gain positive outcomes” –this helps
the difference is you need to practice to use them appropriately and in your example makes more sense
the right context. It might sound unnatural when you try to add as Commented [tn19]: not academic
many fancy words as you can in your essay. Simple words such as have,
Commented [tn20]: abilities are
do, is, are , involve…… are just as powerful
Commented [tn21]: you need nouns here not adj
Grammar 5 There are grammar mistakes that affect the sentences’ meaning. You Commented [tn22]: this is a surprised conclusion. You didn’t
really need to work on your grammar mention this in your paragraph

Overall 4-5 I know this is harsh as you seem to try very hard. It is not easy to write
simple, but when you have the hang of it, it is not difficult. Keep
posting your essay. I will be interested to see your progress.

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