2/5/2020 Sexual Self-Esteem: A Short Course | HuffPost Life

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Sexual Self-Esteem: A Short Course

Sexual self-esteem affects every sexual choice you make -- who you choose to have
sex with and when, whether you limit yourself sexually and how, and whether you
choose to use protection or not.

By Gila Shapiro
Psychotherapist and Certi ed Sex Therapist.

07/20/2016 01:08pm EDT | Updated July 21, 201 7

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Like all living things, we are inherently sexual beings. Our

sexuality is rooted in how we understand and define ourselves,
how we perceive others, and how we see the world. Sexuality is
a multi-dimensional, complex mix of physiological,
interpersonal, cultural, emotional, and psychological factors.
It's important for us to reflect on all these aspects of ourselves
and the role they play, as the relationship we have with our
sexuality reflects our sexual self-esteem. And just as we talk
about the value of developing healthy self-esteem, so too,
should we be paying attention to developing a healthy sexual
self-esteem. As a sex therapist, this is one of the things that I
am most often asked about. So, here are some key aspects to
sexual self-esteem that in my experience, are worth exploring.
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When I talk about sexual self-esteem, I'm referring to the

feelings you have about your body, and your confidence level
in how you relate intimately to someone else. It's what you
bring of yourself, both emotionally and physically, to sex and
relationships -- what you do with that and how you share that
with someone else. Sexual self-esteem affects every sexual
choice you make -- who you choose to have sex with and when,
whether you limit yourself sexually and how, and whether you
choose to use protection or not.

1. Feelings about your body: How you feel about your

body affects your ability to express yourself sexually.

Our bodies house our sexuality -- it is through the body,

essentially, that sexuality finds expression. So being aware of
just how we feel about our bodies, is revealing. A client once
described her anxiety about how her stomach looked when she
sat on top of her partner. She shared that she would either
suck in her stomach or try to reposition herself so that it
appeared flat. The focus on her stomach took her out of the
sexual moment and instead of the pleasure and connection she
wanted with her partner, she instead felt like a spectator to her
sexual experience. Her partner sensed that she was
disconnected and interpreted it as a lack of attraction to him
and a lack of interest in sex. As a result, both gradually stopped
initiating sex and they began to lose their sexual connection.
So, clearly, our internal voice about our body, echoes loudly.
Of course, the way we see our body is highly influenced by
magazines, billboards, TV and web ads that offer us idealized
images of what our bodies 'should' look like, even though these
images have little relationship to what most of us actually do
look like.

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Here's what can help.

Do a body scan: It's worth taking time to reflect on how you

feel about your body -- every part of it. Think about what parts
you like and dislike. Are there parts that you feel ashamed of?
Reflect on all of it, as a lack of confidence can show up in
subtle ways. Don't forget your genitals. How do you feel about
them? My experience as a sex therapist has shown me how
influenced people are today by the mainstreaming of porn, so
that both men and women compare themselves to what they
see -- comparing labia, breasts, penis size. Is this something
you do?

And then ask yourself: Who gets to decide how you feel about
your body? Cosmopolitan? Your co-worker, the stranger at the
gym? Who owns your body? Does that billboard you drive past
every day challenge your self-acceptance. This kind of self-
awareness gives you the opportunity to think about these fixed
ideas you may have about your body, and with that, begin to
do things differently.

2. Your sexual narrative: The stories we have and

hold on to.

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We all have sexual stories that begin in early childhood, and

these stories influence our later sexuality. The stories come out
of the way sex was spoken about (or not) in the family; the
religious or cultural ideas about sex in communities; how your
caregivers felt about their bodies and showed affection to one
another; the experience of touch; first experiences of
masturbation, etc. Some sexual stories generate feelings such
as shame, guilt and anxiety. Is this how it feels for you?

Here's what can help.

Get to know your sexual story: Did you talk about sex in your
family or community? When you were growing up, what
attitude was communicated to you about the different parts of
your body? For example, when you were a baby and naming
parts -- eye, nose etc. -- were your genitals given a cute name
or simply called "privates" and were you told that they were
not to be spoken about or touched? What kind of relationship
could you expect to have with a nameless, often ignored or just
shameful body part? What kind of effect did these experiences
have on you?

Form new narratives: Challenge your ideas and beliefs about

your sexuality. (Do they continue to work for you? Are they
helpful?) Becoming aware of what has influenced you, gives
you the power to develop new ways to tell your sexual story

3. Communication: Communication is the foundation

of a great sex life.

We spend a lot of time worrying about technique -- we read

books and magazine articles that promise all sorts of results if
only you do this or that. And then we spend most of our time
in bed worrying about whether we remembered the "right"

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move. People come in to my office and ask how they can

improve technique. My response is to say that they shouldn't
worry about what they think their partner thinks of their
sexual skills, and should rather just communicate! Talk to your
partner. Ask, 'Does what I'm doing feel good?' or say 'I like it
when you do ...'. Because we are unique individuals, each of us
has a unique sense of what feels good for us. So you won't
know for sure unless you ask! And don't assume that your
partner will know what feels good for you either. You need to
communicate what you like or what turns you on. Your
primary sexual relationship is with yourself. It is not your
partner's responsibility to know what feels good for you.

Here's what can help.

Reflect on your feelings about sharing your sexual preferences:

How do you feel about communicating what you like or want?
Do you judge yourself for what you like? Withholding that
information can certainly lead to a dissatisfying sexual
experience. You may feel more vulnerable talking about sex in
bed, so it's worth having conversations outside of the
bedroom. And when you do, be sure to make eye contact, listen
without judgement, acknowledge what your partner is saying.
And if you're not sure of something, ask.

4. Sex and Meaning. Sex means different things to

different people.

Lastly, there's sex and meaning. What does sex mean to you?
Sex itself is just a body part doing something to another body
part -- perhaps it's a finger doing something to an anus or lips
doing something or a tongue or maybe it's just a penis into a
vagina -- there's no intrinsic meaning to these actions, just the
physical mechanism of movement. But as humans, we are

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meaning makers-we make meaning out of everything and we

attach a LOT of meaning particularly to sex. Sex can mean
power, connection, physical pleasure, a declaration that now
we're a couple. It can be a bargaining point or the symbol of a
contract - in short, it can mean as many different things as
there are people in the world. And so of course, sex can mean
completely different things to the two people in a relationship,
and people rarely discuss their respective meanings. For
example, a client of mine, eager to be in a committed
relationship, usually had sex with men on the second date. She
often didn't hear back from the men she had just slept with
and this confused her. For her, sex was an expression of
emotional intimacy and she assumed it was for her sexual
partner as well. It often feels too difficult or simply doesn't
occur to a couple to discuss what sex means to each of them
before having it.

Here's what can help.

Take a moment to think about what sex means to you. Be clear

with both yourself and a partner before a sexual encounter,
about just what exactly you're about to do, means to both of
you. It's okay to have different meanings, it's just helpful to
have the information in order to make a clear sexual decision.

What I've offered you here are some key points to consider and
reflect on. They are the fundamental ideas that repeatedly
show up in my work with clients. I encourage you to use them
to really think about the way you relate to your body, your
internal dialogue about sex, and how you express your sexual
needs. The more self-acceptance you have about your sexuality
-- the whole thing, every stretch mark, dimple and saggy
buttocks, every fantasy and desire -- the more engaged your
sexual experience and sexual satisfaction.

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MORE: CO M M U N I CAT I O N H E A LT H Y L I V I N G SEXUALITY

WOMEN SELF HELP

Gila Shapiro
Psychotherapist and Certi ed Sex Therapist.

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