Sunday Tea with Me… Why We Should Smile More at our Hubbies

Photo by Shona Cole

My daughter and I love having tea on the deck in the mornings talking about girl things. She had a
pressing question for me one morning. One of the things she had heard recently from a friend was
“Everyone was so busy helping me prepare for the wedding--How come no one prepared me for the
marriage?!” It kind of shook her up to think that you could spend so much time and energy getting
ready for a wedding only to have forgotten to get ready for the most important part--How to have a
great marriage!

So, we’ve started a bible study on this topic (considering she is already 19) and I thought I’d share
some marriage-reviving lessons that we’ve learned from the book we’ve been reading. Yesterday’s
chapter really struck me as very important! In fact, it made me squirm to tell you the truth. I’m afraid I
have been guilty of this kind of stand off in the not so distant past.

The author bluntly asked ...

 Are you struggling with the ‘poor me’ attitude
in your marriage?
She says, “When he first fell in love with you, you were a sweet little thing, full of
laughter and fun. From the very bottom of your soul you were thrilled with him. Every
day you woke up planning some activity that involved you both. Is he still married to the
same sweet little thing, or have you become a long-faced, sickly complainer?

Love is like a flower: you can’t expect it to grow without

sunshine. Has your lover seen your sunshine lately? Is he
still your lover? What would he say? “

She goes on to quote Proverbs 15:13, “A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance.”
Everyone is drawn to a smile. Who and what you are is reflected in your face. Does your
husband see you as a happy thankful woman? Does he smile when he looks at you, amused
at the cheerful little grin on your face the the totally delightful things you think and say—
even the dumb things? Learn to charm him with our mischievous “only for him” grin.”

Later she continues the chapter in a letter to a wife, whose husband is being unfaithful...
 “Yes he is wrong, but your negative response, though
justified, will certainly lead to the destruction of your
marriage.

Your negative responses are not going to make your husband suddenly be the mature man
who does what he ought. My husband says, “No man has ever crawled out from under his
wife’s criticism to be a better man—no matter how justified her condemnation.”

Your husband will never be pressured into loving you, even if you are his wife. You
cannot be pitiful enough to force him to love you. (and later) What you don’t know is that
men do not repent for the sake of an angry, critical wife. Your husband is going to love
what is lovely to him. It is a mistake for a wife to take her position for granted, to assume
that love and contentment exist because ‘we are husband and wife.” In a perfect world,
being married to a perfect man,your vows would be sacred. But that will not work in our
present culture. Cultivate his love for you. Pray that you can remind him of the loveliness
and beauty that first attracted him to you.”

Never demand that a man love you and cherish you because
he ought to. Earn every smile and shared moment.

Why Marriage Can Be Challenging… What I explained to my daughter, is that because two people
who get married, are both, in reality, ‘sinners’ or self-centered, there are going to be conflicts. If, in
the daily process of learning to give and take, you begin to feel like he isn’t doing ‘his part’…not being
thoughtful enough or caring enough or giving you enough attention, or being short with you, and if
you decide to withhold your smiles, friendship, approval and admiration until he starts ‘treating you
right’, you will find yourself in a deadly game. It might be years before things derail but by the time
you realize it, you may find out you have already lost. And with that attitude…focused on how “HE is
treating ME”, you will never feel that he has met your expectations. Guess what the result is--he
never gets your smiles!! And you never get to feel his love in return. This is a recipe for disaster! Who
wants a marriage like that?
The best advice I ever got about marriage was to keep short accounts! Forget and forgive everything
that happened before today. Give your spouse a clean bill of health just like the Lord Jesus does for
you EVERY day! Then you won’t be holding grudges and you can smile again, hug, and cuddle, and
be the cheerleader your husband so desperately needs. And he will LOVE you for it! You will be ‘his
girl’ again! I promise!!
The bible clearly says,
Give, and it shall be given to you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together,
and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye
give to others, it shall be measured to you again. Luke 6:38

If you read this in context, it has absolutely nothing to do with money and everything to do with
relationship! Don’t believe me?? Just try it for a few days. Lay down your rights and you will find love
overflowing in your heart.

It’s very easy to allow walls to be built in a marriage, if you are not regularly forgiving your spouse
and even overlooking things, for the sake of a close relationship with each other. No one ever thinks
the other spouse is doing his part. Be assured that your lack of friendliness, kindness, and compassion
are just as visible to your spouse as his lack might be to you. (And both of you probably feel quite
justified in holding back!) Remember that the disciples asked how many times they must forgive their
brother and the Lord replied, “7 x 70” meaning of course..as many times as they need forgiveness.

Someone has to take the first step and give without expectation of getting back and when you do this
and do it consistently, (the heart of genuine Christian love), you will rekindle the love and fellowship
that brought you together in the first place. So call a truce today…a cease-fire if you will…if you find
yourself feeling like ‘poor me’. It takes two to have a fight, but one of you can change everything by
choosing to love the other..because it’s the right thing to do.

“Always remember, that the day you stop smiling is the day you stop trying to make
your marriage heavenly, and it is the first day leading to your divorce proceedings!
STAND BY YOUR MAN!” (Debbie Pearl)

The bible says it best in I Peter 3:9

New Living Translation (©2007)
 Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate with insults when people
insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God
has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.
In closing the author says,

“Being pitiful, hurt, discouraged, and even sickly is one side of a “bad marriage’ coin. Men
in general , are repulsed by women who project this image. A man’s spirit tells him his
woman is rejecting him and manipulating him when she regularly manifests a broken spirit,
and he will react with anger. The other side of the bad coin includes having a bitter, angry,
and resentful spirit.

Toss that old, destructive coin out the door before it buys you a divorce! Make a decision,
right now, to break the ‘poor me’ habit. Tomorrow, wake up with joy in your heart and
home.

Establish a new habit. What can I do today that will make

him smile?
Click here for the best book about marriage that I have ever read next to The Love Dare!

Love...Donna

I don't sing very professionally, but if you'd like to hear a pretty little song that I wrote for Tim
when we first got married click here.
Here are the words....

Our Love

When first we met and hearts did greet,

some special something woke.
With friendly smiles and openness,
and kindly words we spoke.

Then happy times and visions shared,

and fellowship in God,
Brought oneness and companionship,
the first fruits of our love.

chorus: Our love,

is as strong as a mountain..
as sweet as a meadow..
as deep as the sea.

Our love...
 is as gentle as a whisper.
Our love is all that love was meant to be,
because it comes from God,
our love will last..until eternity..
I'm so glad that God chose you...
for me!

VS.2
When it was young our love was like,
the glow of burning embers,
so quick to grow yet fragile,
oh yes, my heart remembers..
But now our loves keeps growing,
as time moves swiftly on.
we find a love more steady,
and a fire burning strong.

Vs.3
The struggles and the burdens,
the weakness in the one,
gives the other chance to live and love,
in the image of the Son.
I know our love will blossom,
our hearts, the hurts, will prune,
and oneness by the Grace of God,
will keep our love in bloom.

This post by Becky of Jones Journey, was a perfect example of how

to respond in a difficult situation... I"m so proud of her!!
Way to go Becky!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Wisdom....I hope
A few minutes ago I was over at my house fixing some chicken spaghetti for a homebirth party
we will be going to in a little bit. As I was scurrying around the kitchen I see my 13 year old
brother in law coming over escorting Tyrel. I asked what they were doing since everyone else
was hanging out over at Granola's.

MJ told me that Tyrel had pooped in his underwear. I immediately felt myself giving way to
being mad. Not at Tyrel, but at Stephen. I have to deal with this day in and day out all the
time. And yet, when everyone is over visiting at Granola's and I'm already missing out on that,
he sends him to me to deal with it, rather than dealing with it himself.

I grabbed Tyrel's arm and dragged him to the bathroom to deal with his mess. All the time
seething at how inconsiderate, lazy and mean my husband was being. Now this is NOT my
normal attitude. I adore my sweet husband. In our almost 5 years of marriage we have almost
never had an argument and when we do they are short lived.

I finished dealing with Tyrel, sat him down in the rocker to think about NOT doing that again
any time soon. He is nearly 3 and should NOT still be doing that.

I went back to fixing lunch, but this time with a dark cloud hanging over me. Telling myself all
the things Stephen does wrong. Getting more mad as the time passed. Then I thought to
myself. Great, I want to introduce Stephen to my friends I met at retreat today, and we're
going to be mad at each other. Because I had every intention of telling him everything that was
running through my head. Then I thought, Wait a second, we haven't fought. He doesn't even
know I'm mad. What if I got happy, and never made a fight of it? Why does the day have to
turn out bad? So I prayed and asked God to help me change my attitude. Not fake change it,
but really get happy. Because really what is one more change of pants in the grand scheme of
things. Within moments I was chatting happily with Tyrel, not upset at all.

Now here I sit with the spaghetti in the oven, waiting to leave. And so glad I didn't choose to
ruin this day.
Posted by Becky at 10:19 AM 2 comments
http://bsjonesjourney.blogspot.com/

Thanks so much for sharing Becky!!

In Christ's Love...Donna

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Labels: From the Heart, marriage

16 comments:
School for Us, May 22, 2010 9:47 PM

What a lovely post! My favorite part was to "keep short accounts." God does indeed start each
day new with us, and we should do the same to our husbands... and our children, too! Thanks for
sharing.

Olivia~, May 23, 2010 7:47 AM

Thank you for this post! I am going to smile at my husband all day today! I am so happy you are
inspired about your home! It reall is soooo fun!
Squishy hugs,
Olivia
ps your tea setting is darling

Beautifully Veiled, May 23, 2010 7:48 AM

 Yes, the "keep short accounts" is wonderful! When we got saved my husband brought me in and
forgave me of all past, present, and future stuff that I had ever done or ever will do. (and that was
a LOT, most people would divorce their wife for the things I did--even christians) Things are
pretty much over once done. For me, however, that has been one of the hardest things to do. It is
a daily work in me to forgive, and to forgive quickly. If we would all keep short accounts, the
church would probably grow by leaps and bounds, families would stay together...it would be a
different world!
So today, I will purpose once again to SMILE and keep short accounts!

Nancy's Notes, May 23, 2010 2:23 PM

Oh my, what a beautiful tea set! I'd love to sit and tea with you! I do think the keep short
accounts is truly profound!

Happy I found your blog.

Nancu

Dayle Allen Shockley, May 23, 2010 4:17 PM

Awesome post.

Olga, May 23, 2010 6:00 PM

What a wonderful post! So much wisdom and truth. I'm going to print it out and keep it with my
other inspirational articles, so I can re-read it again in the future.
Thank you.

Becky, May 23, 2010 9:25 PM

Hello there. I do not mind at all if you link to my post. I am glad that you liked it.

I think I know what Bible study you must be doing, because I recognise the quotes (If you told
what it was I missed it. I skim read the post as I should be in bed already. lol) I have not done the
study with it, but have read the book several times.

My husband and I got married at 18 and 19 years old, but thankfully we have had lots of Godly
council and it has been pretty smooth sailing for us. A little bumpy at times, but overall
wonderful.

Maria Killam, May 23, 2010 9:35 PM

I did a course years ago that gave the best advice for understanding men. And it was this; Men
live to make their woman happy. A man will not marry a woman that he has decided he cannot
make happy. And so now, say you are married and you are never HAPPY, but area always
complaining (in other words, when your husband does something because he's clearly trying to
make you happy BE HAPPY).

So when a man has decided that he cannot make you happy he then shifts his focus from trying
 to make you happy, to trying to stay out of trouble with you. This is when he starts lying and
withholding information because now he is in survival in his relationship with you!

And I thought--wow how true is that, men will say things like "Aw give me another beer, I'm in
trouble anyway so I might as well have another one" women, do not use that kind of language.

Anyways Donna, I love your posts--this was another awesome post on the power of forgiveness,
I can tell by your pictures that your husband is still committed to making you happy, because you
forgive easily and are happy!!
xo
Maria

~ Maria ~, May 23, 2010 9:41 PM

Your tea set is just beautiful!!! And your post, very encouraging and inspirational.

It is a joy to see Our Lord working in the hearts of women that are willing to follow HIM.

When you allow Our Lord to show us what kind of wives to be, the Joy of Our Lord fills our
lives and hence, we are better for it!

Be blessed dear friend,

Maria

Geetha Srinivasan, May 23, 2010 10:06 PM

wonderful post Donna... i liked the part about being the sweet little thing that is full of laughter
and fun.

And lovely song. I sure will stop by your poetry blog!

BTW yes we took Sripathi to TCH in March. And we'll be there again in June.

Trudy Callan, May 24, 2010 2:13 AM

This was a great post and a great reminder, Donna. I also love your song. Very sweet.

Anonymous, May 24, 2010 5:49 AM

This is such a wise post. I realised that my husband has been coming home lately to a sour-faced
wife, slumping on the sofa after just having finally got the kids to bed - mad at him because he
was home so late and I had had to 'do it all myself...'.
I can't believe I didn't even turn off the TV ! Fortunately, I came to this realisation , but your post
really says it all.
And it's not really just about putting on a good face for your husband, it is really just about being
polite. What other visitor to our home would I treat with such rudeness?

diamond in the rough, May 24, 2010 5:55 PM

 I lose perspective so often! Thanks for the timely reminder for me to earn my man's love.

Deb, May 25, 2010 6:15 PM

I don't always take the time to comment on your posts, and I'm sorry for that. I get distracted
quite easily...could be menopausal brain!! Anyway...very good post!!! Gave me much food for
thought!

Copied from my homemaking blog, Comin' Home.