Perla Nuñez

Allison Bocchino

Writing 2

16 March 2020

Revision Matrix

Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I How this change

WP submission: question I received: made to what I impacts my paper:
initially wrote​:

WP1: “...but the Allison: Sounds odd “...but the images The change helped
images included included throughout make the wording of
throughout flyers also flyers also help emit the sentence sound
help protrude different emotions…” better, and the word
different emotions...” doesn’t make it sound
odd.

WP1: Clear, short Allison: 3rd body Events that are The change to this
sentences in the paragraph is relatable to students’ sentence helped the
paragraphs are used confusing situations and apply topic sentence match
to target students to their everyday the information I
because they include lives are used on provided throughout
events that are flyers to target this paragraph. My
relatable to their students. topic sentence gave
situations, and can the impression that I
apply to their day to was focusing on
day lives. sentence structure,
but I was focusing on
ideas of a flyer.

WP1: Along with Allison: Topic Along with relatable Changing the words
relatable topics, using sentence of 4th topics, the author “different
different conventions paragraph could also uses different conventions” to
allows the authors of be clearer. rhetorical devices to “rhetorical devices”
flyers to be be convincing and helped better specify
convincing and maximize the number the purpose of the
maximize the number of people who attend fourth paragraph.
of people who attend their events.
their events.

WP1: A problem with Myself: Can you be A problem with the Readers now have a
that is that only so more specific with layout of the flyer is clear understanding
much can be said in “that” refers to? that only so much can of what I am talking
the flyer because of be said because of the about when I say “a
the size constraint it size constraint it problem with that.”
holds on the author. holds on the author.

WP1: Paragraphs like Myself: Is there Paragraphs on flyers Getting rid of “like
those on flyers do not anything you can get do not overwhelm those” because it
overwhelm students rid of in this students who look at isn't necessary to
looking at the flyer sentence? them due to short but have in the sentence,
due to short but concise words. since the only genre I
concise words. talk about is flyers.

WP1: Usually flyers Allison: 2nd Looking at the Yoga Adding this example
also contain a small paragraph would be Nights flyer the provided a concrete
paragraph that has improved by use of paragraph towards example of what a
some background examples the bottom reads paragraph on a flyer
knowledge of who “De-stress, recharge, may include as I
will host the event and get zenned with started to mention
and what will be yoga instructor Jamin within the second
included. Ment. Yoga Nights is body paragraph.
a free 90 minute yoga
class that features
interactive socials…”
With only those two
sentences from the
small paragraph so
much information has
already been given to
the audience- helping
give insight to
students so they can
prepare and know
what to expect out of
the event.

WP1: Those flyers Allison: ? The flyers made by The changes helped
you walked past have Myself: The phrase UCSB’s different make my sentence
been made by “are help make” groups will be what more clear to the
different school made it confusing and makes the moving reader and I removed
groups or I think some words experience less the phrase that didn’t
organizations and can be removed. stressful and make sense. I added
help make the overwhelming by UCSB to specify
experience less encouraging students “school group.”
stressful and to attend the various
overwhelming by events held on
encouraging students campus.
to attend the various
events held on
campus.

WP3: Using multiple Myself: When Using multiple Including this change
sources within the rereading I noticed sources within the of “Ridgeway”
discourse community, the word “she” was discourse community, instead of “she”
such as Jackman and being used a lot, but such as Jackman and allowed for the
Correll, she was able it was hard Correll, Ridgeway readers to better
to gain the credibility connecting “she” to a was able to gain the follow who I referred
she needed to state specific person. credibility she needed to when I say “she.”
the claim she was to state the claim she Otherwise, the
making and have her was making and have sentence became
intended audience her intended audience confusing.
take notice of the take notice of the
problem. problem.

WP3: “treated as a Allison: Don’t need a “treated as a side It shows that although
side topic in U.S. space here topic in U.S. I made a mistake the
sociology.”​ 1 sociology.”​1 first try of citing
Chicago style, I
understand my
mistake and now
know the correct
format.

WP3: The use of Allison: I was also The use of alliteration This change helped
alliteration not only confused about the made it quick and clarify what I was
made it quick and relationship between easy for the readers to previously trying to
easy for the readers to alliteration and recite the words as state but failed to do
recite, but it sets a tone-could you they read through the correctly. Instead of
tone of seriousness expand on how lines. In addition, this explaining the
because status is alliteration leads to a rhetorical device relationship between
being depicted as serious tone? helped bring attention tone and alliteration, I
something that is to these three did it with alliteration
driven and descriptive words of and how it
determined to create inequality, which in emphasizes certain
inequality. turn made readers words.
realize how serious
inequality is.

WP3: Using multiple Lena: seems sort of Using multiple Since this paper was
sources within the informal sources within the being written in a
discourse community, discourse community, formal setting, the
such as Jackman and such as Jackman and change of the words
Correll, she was able Correll, Ridgeway “hear her out” were
to gain the credibility was able to gain the changed to match the
she needed to state credibility she needed formal tone of the
the claim she was to state the claim she paper.
making, and have was making and have
other members of the her intended audience
community hear her take notice of the
out (intended problem.
audience).

WP3: “...did when Myself: Could you ...did when Ridgeway The separation of the
Ridgeway used it. split this paragraph used it. paragraphs allowed
Many times poems into two different Poems follow a me to go more into
follow a certain ones? certain structure that depth on my rhyme
structure, such as makes them very scheme and separate
having a certain distinguishable to any that change I made in
number of lines audience. my poem from the
within each stanza or other changes made
certain number of throughout the
syllables.” translation.

WP3: In addition to Allison: I’m curious Focusing more The change allowed
that all three poems I about the rhyme specifically on the reader to get an
looked at were more scheme you used and Frost’s “The Road inside on why I
free flowing, and not how you decided on Not Taken” I noticed decided to format the
as strict in their your stanza structure. that his poem poem the way I did. It
composition and included a rhyme has more background
considering they scheme of ABAAB on my decisions.
served as examples I within each stanza of
found it best to the poem. As the poet
follow a similar for my translation, I
pattern. did want to include
some form of rhyme,
which is why I used
Frost as an example
out of the three
examples I had
considering he had a
more visible pattern
to the rhyme. I
mirrored his structure
of four stanzas, each
five lines long
 following an ABAAB
rhyme scheme.

WP3: Many times Myself: I think you When making a This change allowed
poems follow a could do a better job poem, poets pay me to expand on my
certain structure, such at explaining why attention to the thought process of the
as having a certain you broke some of iambic pentameter or translation, and
number of lines the genre’s rules. whether syllables are provided more
within each stanza or stressed or reasoning as to why I
certain number of unstressed. I decided decided to include
syllables. However, I to bend those rules some parts of the
decided to bend those and not pay too close genre’s format and
rules in the making of attention to them as I break others.
my poem. wrote my translation.
The reason being that
I was more focused
on getting the
message across in a
memorable way with
rhyme, instead of
focusing my time on
mastering the poem’s
specific form.

WP3: Poems do not Myself: issue with They do not This change showed
necessarily have to be use of comma necessarily have to be that the common was
done in a rigid (punctuation error) done in a rigid not being used
structure, most of the structure, most of the correctly, so I had to
time people follow time people follow fix it. The comma did
those guidelines to those guidelines to not separate two
facilitate their process facilitate their process independent clauses
of making a poem, of making a poem joined by a
and get an idea of and get an idea of conjunction, meaning
where to start. where to start. there was no use for
it.